HERE COME THE RUSSIANS

Why are literary meanderings called columns? They don't support anything and, unlike the military, they don't march. Now when the esteemed boss man Tom Allon discussed with me some years ago contents of these meanderings, he emphasized the local and community nature of the various publications in which they would appear. I heartily agreed, as I am notoriously agreeable. Consequentially, I must have written at least four columns in the last five years that dealt with local affairs. All the rest were paeans of praise for the Wanker Bush and the Cheney Dick. As the Wanker rides off to his ranch, he is proclaiming Johnny Son of Cain as his potential successor. And he in turn has selected one Catholic-turned-apocalyptic-Christian as his walking mate to restore the U.S.A. to what it was before the atheists, agnostics, Jews, Muslims and vegetarians came and handed it over to Satan and the liberals. Fortunately, Sarah Palin is not blind to the dangers facing our country. She knows that you can see Alaska from Russia, and that thousands of these commie spies are being trained in foreign-service duties by watching her shoot moose and wolves from the air. I do not understand the objections to Sarah as a future president. She has seen Russia and knows when Putin flies over. And they get along quite well, as their names are similar. She told Ms. Couric she has read papers and magazines that "were in front of her," unlike the rest of us who use them behind us. Sarah is a straight shooter, as we know from all of the animal heads on her wall, and she possesses the wisdom and intellectual qualities similar to those of an outstanding thinker, former VP Dan Quayle. Both Johnny Son of Cain and Sarah Bridge to Nowhere Palin have quick responses to tricky liberal questions. When Johnny was asked how many houses he had, quick as a flash he said, "I'll get back to you on that." When Sarah was asked what regulations Johnny had initiated in the Senate regarding financial dirty doings, she said, "I'll get back to you on that if I find any." How does the aforementioned have anything to do with the local community affairs? Well (always start a sentence with "well" when you are caught), I know for a fact that New Jersey has been watching New York for a long time from across the Hudson, which could be a maritime boundary, and farther north we share a land boundary. If they can see us, what's to stop Russians invading New Jersey and stationing spies all along the river to see what Bloomberg and Paterson are up to? Johnny Son of Cain was saved years ago by Keating of the Lincoln Savings and Loan Bank. There is no record of Barack Obama getting the same treatment. Jesus heard the rumor that Barack is a Muslim, and that José Biden is a Catholic-and everyone knows there are none of those sorts allowed into Heaven. But if possible, despite their size and weight, someone should talk to their respective mothers about being born again. Some people think that a B.A. is a degree, but it's just code for a "Born Again." Check my website [malachymccourt.com] and read Malachy McCourt's History of Ireland.