Bash Compactor: Hey, Hooker

Standing in a room filled with porn stars, male escorts and other half-naked dudes with dubious nighttime pedigrees should probably evoke some sort of thrill. But I felt nothing. I’ll blame it on being hopped on knockoff cold medicine after a long day of sitting in front of a glowing screen.

[The Hookies] took place at Club Rebel in Chelsea last Friday and, because I’d agreed to present an award at the ceremony for escorts, I showed up feeling a little woozy and decided to continue to self-medicate with well vodka.

When I arrived, a friend who’d showed up earlier told me of a minor scuffle at the door: The doorman wasn’t going to allow entrance to Robin Byrd, the 52-year-old former porn actress and entrepreneur, who was there to interview the bad boys on the “red carpet” before the show began. Perhaps because she looks like she’d be more comfortable in a room full of truckers than the glossy boy toys on display this evening, they doubted her cred.

Alas, they did let La Byrd in, and she stood alongside porn actor [Mike Dreyden] to interview the nominees as a pack of aging men (and potential clients?) flicked their tongues like Gila monsters, sensing desperation, hoping for something damp. Let the awards begin!

The blond-bombshell duo of [Raven O] and [Sherry Vine](http://www.sherryvine.com/) took the stage as hosts, assisting in handing out awards for Best Top, Best Fetish Escort, Best Ass (it was a tie) and Best Boyfriend Fantasy. The crowd surged forward, and the presenters—Michael Lucas, Rob Roth, Michael Musto—hung back in the bathroom stalls to avoid the crush of musk. [Ladyfag](http://www.myspace.com/ladyfag), who was presenting the award for Best Tattoos, stayed at the edge of the stage to taunt the winners and liven things up since, like most awards events, there’s not much action.  

“They should give an award for best personality!” [Tommy Defendi], winner of the Mr. Chicago title for being the Second City’s top escort, bellowed at one point as the wooden acceptance speeches continued.

“Right, because most guys hire escorts for their personality,” drolly replied [Edge editor Steve Weinstein], who later presented Best Mature Escort to Chase Hunter.

When it was my turn to take the stage, I felt a bit out of my league and shy under the bright lights. “The award for Best Writer/Blogger goes to…[Diesel Washington],” I emitted lamely, trying to muster up some stage presence. But I didn’t need to “perform” since the winner, a tall, tattooed black man who proceeded to take his shirt off to a chorus of whoops, took the stage. I was obviously just an amateur.