You Try Being Gay and Having Cerebral Palsy and Being Funny; Upgrade Your Palm Pilot in Soho this Weekend; Cutthroats 9 Bring Unsane's Corpse to NYC; Bye-Bye, 'SOU; Mini-Blurbs

"One time this woman asked me a great question," he says. "She was like: 'Is the reason that you're gay because you're a cripple and can't get lucky with women, so you have to sleep with men for sex?' I really took that to heart. So now I do a monologue in which I start this foundation called Fuck the Disabled, to encourage women to sleep with crippled people to keep them from turning gay."

Greg's FTD foundation, complete with corresponding infomercial, comes to life in his movie Keeping It Real: The Adventures of Greg Walloch, which premieres this Friday. Interspersing video clips of Greg performing live at Dixon Place and Joe's Pub with interpretations of his finer material, Keeping It Real is fully legitimized by the presence of Stephen Baldwin, who has a cameo.

"In one part of my movie I talk about one of the big issues affecting the gay community today, which is, you know, illiteracy. To combat it, I start this program called the Chelsea Gay Men's Literacy Fund. Stephen plays an illiterate Chelsea gay boy and he's pretty good at it." He'd better be?Stephen has not yet topped his turn as "MacGuyver Smoker" in 1998's Half Baked.

Keeping It Real: The Adventures of Greg Walloch is 82 minutes long; it premieres at the Two Boots Pioneer Theater (155 E. 3rd St. at Ave. A, 254-3300) this Friday at 8 p.m. Tickets are $5, and if you're in the area, remember the first rule of the Lower East Side: Niagara (112 Ave. A at 7th St., 420-9517) is a very, very bad bar. Don't go there.

...Speaking of places you shouldn't go, at least up until six weeks ago: Lower Manhattan now owns the unfortunate distinction of being on the World Monuments Watch List of 101 Most Endangered Sites. That's right, every two years the World Monuments Fund compiles a register of historic places around the globe threatened by war or pollution (also included: Iraq's Erbil Citadel); this year more than 65 embattled landmarks below Canal St. have qualified the area.

You can support Lower Manhattan?and you should because it's smelling a lot better?by dropping in on Saturday's Soho and TriBeCa Stroll, one of the events sponsored by Crossing Canal: A Celebration of Downtown New York, which runs this weekend and next week and whose goals should be obvious. It might be a bit chilly for a neighborhood stroll, but check out your incentives, courtesy of Lynn at the TriBeCa Partnership.

"First there's going to be a treasure hunt using new Palm Pilot technology," she says. All you Palm geeks, listen: "What you do is you go to a number of stores, find the high-beam boxes at each store and point your Palm at them. That will pick up a virtual business card and coupon for you. The person who can collect the most of these in the best time gets a Palm 505 as a prize."

That sounds like easy pickin's for anybody who wants a new Palm Pilot and is a fast walker. Also be on the lookout for free cocktails, live music, fashion strolls and other goodies at various shops in the area. You can start at Origins (402 W. B'way at Spring St., 219-9764), which is offering chair massages, mini-facials and hors d'vours. That's this Saturday from 11 a.m. to 7 p.m. and it's totally free.

...Do not weep for disbanded New York institution Unsane. Chris Spencer's group, a pioneer of heavy music in the 90s, has been dead since 2000, but its ugly corpse is all over his new band, the Cutthroats 9. They come to CBGB this Tuesday having put out one of the year's better releases, a six-song EP called Anger Management that's filled with an indescribably nasty lead guitar sound. It sounds like someone dragging a beaver's tooth across a sheet of aluminum; you have to check it out. It was the first thing I asked Chris about as he rode to Denver for the first show of his band's tour.

"I don't really use any pedals at all, just really overdriven high-output pickups on mid-70s guitars...that's a Stratocaster you're hearing there," he explained. Spencer went on to shed some light on the demise of Unsane, which is pretty low-level for such a high-intensity group: "I moved out to California to work on some property that my brother got and just started playing with guys out in San Francisco, you know? When I left town, it was like, there's no Unsane from California. It's sort of a New York band, so I wouldn't want to fuck with it."

Cutthroats 9 play disgusting, loud, instrument-smashing stoner-core that's like Limp Bizkit without the hat. They play CBGB (315 Bowery at Bleecker St., 982-4052) this Tuesday at 9 p.m.; also on the bill is LES fixture JJ Paradise Player's Club. Admission is $8.

...In other heavy music news, Jan. 2 will be a sad day for lovers of non-crap radio as staple NJ station WSOU 98.5 officially drops its noncommercial active rock/metal format.

WSOU held a spot down for the last 15 years as the only place you could hear bands like Unsane and Cutthroats 9. Admittedly, they played a lot of music that sounded like fat people shitting real slow, but their broadcasting power will be sorely missed. Don't try to write e-mails or anything, because parent college Seton Hall has already voted to change the station's format to reflect "the diversity and the values of the university." Bye-bye, 'SOU. You'll be missed.

...Mini-Blurbs from a Friday Night in Midtown West: Got a call from NonStop Entertainment earlier in the week inviting me to Saci (135 W. 41st St., betw. 6th Ave. & B'way, 278-0988), so I rounded up friends from high school and got them in free. It wasn't easy?first I waited on line in the newly minted cold wearing a hat with a ghost on it that said "Last Minute Costume." Then the tag-team of inept coat-check ladies gave me two sets of tickets after losing the first set. Then the open bar, promised to be open until 11:30, closed at 11 (I arrived at 11:07). Then I had to track down a bald man with a goatee to get my other friends in, like some game of club Where's Waldo. Then the music was so loud that the crust in my pubes melted and puddled on the dance floor.

The night was saved, though, by a nifty midnight fashion show featuring the NonStop models (I knew it was them because while they were onstage, the DJ kept whispering "NonStop Entertainment"). They modeled lots of camouflage gear; also, it looks like small breasts are in this season.

Following Saci, I dropped by Barrymore's (267 W. 45th St., betw. B'way & 8th Ave., 391-8400) to mingle with some after-theater folks. The bartender was polite, if tough to summon, and the quietude was welcome. I then made my way to my friend who looks like Jimi Hendrix's house for late-night recuperation before catching a 5:32 a.m. train to Swarthmore, a college outside Philadelphia. It's a pisser to get there, but nonstop fun and a gorgeous campus once you arrive.