Free Enterprise is a new film directed by Robert Meyer Burnett, and it’s playing at the Art Greenwich starting Aug. 6. The film is a sort of coming-of-age story about a couple of Trekkies and their misadventures with wine, women and more women.
The movie features Eric McCormack, who also stars in a television show called Will & Grace. Some show I’ve never seen because the premise just sounds way too dumb. A gay guy and a straight girl sharing an affordable apartment in New York. Yeah, right. There are no affordable apartments in New York.
The film’s got a lot of other actors who play swell Trekkies. But the movie’s real star is Captain Kirk. He’s billed in the picture as “Bill,” and the credits list him as William Shatner. Why? I have no fucking clue.
Anyway, Shatner does a great job playing some actor from Canada who at one time or another in his career played a starship captain, but who’s now looking to do a musical based on the life and times of Caesar.
I got to speak with James Kirk via telephone. I assumed he was on his ship, his voice transported by subspace frequencies. But his agent said he was in L.A.
Hi! Captain Kirk! How are you?
Good, thanks! Are you in New York, or here?
Oh, New York. On Earth.
What newspaper is this for?
NYPress. We’re kinda like the Village Voice, only…
Yeah… Whatever happened to the Voice?
Oh, nothing. They just suck now.
Yeah, you don’t hear about them anymore.
Okay, you’re in this movie, Free Enterprise.
Yeah. So you’re listed in the credits as “William Shatner.” What’s up with that? Why doesn’t it list your real name, Captain James T. Kirk?
Because Captain Kirk is the property of Paramount Studios, and belongs in a science fiction film called Star Trek. This is Free Enterprise, and the story is two young guys coming of age who always referred to William Shatner as their guru. They finally meet him and he’s very uncool-like. He’s very un-guru-like.
Well, speaking of property and stuff, I’m in a punk band called Furious George…
Yeah, we’re being sued by Houghton Mifflin, the owners of Curious George. And I was wondering if you knew what I should do. I mean, you probably have some experience in this sort of thing…
What’s their lawsuit?
That “Furious” sounds too much like “Curious.”
Um, I would concentrate on the fact that you have “George” in common. And because the pervading emotion is “furious,” you would say George is no longer “curious,” he’s “furious.” The George you have in common, but the emotion is different. That seems to me to be the rationale on how to handle this situation.
Thank you, Captain Kirk!
In Free Enterprise you do a great rap about Caesar. I didn’t know they still had hiphop in the 23rd century.
They don’t. But those were my salad days.
How did they find you for the film? I thought Malcolm McDowell killed you.
They found me under a large rock. And before you have any comment on that, the rock was actually rock ’n’ roll.
[laughs] You and Spock are like the Big Jews in Space, right?
We try to proselytize as much as possible.
Right. How come the Enterprise isn’t shaped like a giant Star Of David? I mean, the saucer section does look like a bagel with lox, but…
I was hoping you wouldn’t say gherkin.
Right. So, um, did you shave your chest back in the day?
I shaved and oiled my chest.
See, I wanna do that too! It looks really good! As a kid growing up, I always talked about doing that to look like you and everyone would laugh at me. I bet it gets itchy, huh?
Not if you use the right oil.
And what kind of oil is that, Captain Kirk?
Olive oil. It’s kind of an old Italian secret.
But you’re Jewish!
I know, but there are Jewish-Italians, you know.
Do you think chicks dug you because of your shaved chest, or was it the whole Jewish-captain-with-the-large-warp-drive thing?
No, it was my full mouth.
Okay. I just finished reading your book Get A Life! Plus now I’m reading your Star Trek Odyssey book with The Ashes Of Eden, The Return and Avenger.
You’re doing your research after the fact, huh?
No. Actually I’ve been reading them for a long time. It takes me fucking forever to read a book. Video games keep interrupting. Anyway, I gotta ask you something. I gotta know the truth. Did all those things really happen to you? To Captain Kirk?
It all happened. Every word I write has an element of truth behind it.
Okay then, who gets more pussy, you or Captain Picard?
Well, Captain Picard sticks his bald head where no man would go. So I guess he’s irrational in his search.
Nurse Chapel was really hot and…
Oh, I can’t wait to see this in print…
Nurse Chapel is hot. So is that Yeoman Rand. Did you ever do a threesome with both of them?
Um, no, they couldn’t count to three. [laughs]
Where the fuck was the bathroom on the Enterprise? What if you had to take a leak? Or go number two?
We took a pill and vomited in a closet.
Is there punk rock in the 23rd century?
Well, um, there is punk. But rock has long since been disassociated. But there are a lot of punks around.
If you fuck aliens from other planets, do you still have to wear a condom?
Safe sex is best practiced throughout the universe.
One last question…
I hope so.
Really, it is. Why does Star Wars suck so bad?
Because they have a glottal flap and they can’t get the air down their throat as fast.
Thank You Captain Kirk. Or William Shatner. Whatever.
Oh, it’s been my dubious pleasure.