This week’s horoscope.

Written by None - Do not Delete on . Posted in Posts.



Frivolity
is your main agenda, according to some. You’re liable to take it to extremes,
enrolling in classes like Astral Projection and Cloud Sculpting 101, wherein
you devote the bulk of your time to pursuits that, if you asked those naysayers,
couldn’t possibly be worthwhile. Listen to them if you wish, but consider
this first: Isn’t enjoyment of life at least as important as some intangible
benefit you might reap in the future? If you can’t ignore your detractors
outright, at least ask them what they think you ought to be doing instead of
what you really want to do. When you lay your options side by side, I think
your choice will be clearer than ever: Go play, already.




Taurus
(April 20-May 20)



You’re
a golden bull this week. People will feel inclined to worship you on pedestals
constructed from their own self-sacrificial intentions. Please bear in mind:
As flattering as all this attention must be, it’s not healthy–for
you or them. Climb down from the pedestal and make your hapless admirers realize
that you all belong on the same level (whether it’s down here or up there).
This may be harder than you think, but persist anyway; the relief you feel when
you’re no longer bearing the burden and responsibility of people’s
faith and devotion will more than outweigh the ego massage of taking it on.




Gemini
(May 21-June 20)



When a possum
crawled into his wall to die a few years ago, my friend Chris was haunted for
months by what became known as the Smell. The lingering scent of death and rot
refused to be suppressed, ignored or banished, and the offending corpse lay
completely out of reach of any human intervention, leaving him no choice but
to just live with it until eventually it faded. This is something like what
you’ve endured the past few months–a tremendous burden that you couldn’t
help feeling a little sorry for at times, even while you resented it. It was
so omnipresent that you occasionally almost forgot to notice it, so at first
this may seem like one of those moments–until you take a deep breath and
realize that this time, it’s actually, finally, gone.




Cancer
(June 21-July 22)



You believe
in second chances, don’t you? At least you did the last few times you needed
one. So don’t be a hypocrite now. When you’ve screwed up, people have
been kind enough to cut you a break or a deal. Now that you’re the one
who’s been fucked by someone else’s mistake, you’re in a position
to be petty, demanding and unforgiving, or to be gracious and compassionate.
You know what to do, sweet Cancer. Even if the latter requires tremendous amounts
of self-sacrifice, self-control and slick compensation, I hope you choose it.




Leo (July
23-Aug. 22)



Your heart,
lately, is like one of those beat-up old jalopies that nobody drives anymore,
the kind that won’t start until you get it rolling in neutral and then
kick it into gear. You need to ask a few friends to start throwing their backs
into it, shoving it until it’s moving fast enough to stay running on its
own. It would be a shame to let the beautiful thing sit in the backyard and
rust when it could be cruising open roads and taking gorgeous people for the
rides of their lives, with a little help from you and those who love you already.




Virgo
(Aug. 23-Sept. 22)



No revolution
would ever stand a chance without Virgos. You’re rarely in the front lines;
it’s what happens after a successful coup (whether that overthrow happens
inside a relationship, job or nation) that determines whether or not it’ll
be successful, or worse than the regime it displaced. In other words, without
the organizational savvy of your tribe, gun-toting rebels would soon fall apart,
leaving nothing as their legacy except destruction. When you’re privy to
the seeds of a revolution this week, let those in charge know whether you’re
behind it or not; believe it, you’re in a position to make it or break
it.




Libra
(Sept. 23-Oct. 22)



I guess
you’re lucky you haven’t yet figured out how to exactly manifest your
latest whimsical dream job, or you’d be stuck in a position as an Advanced
Pillow Tester and Inspector, in which you’d scrutinize cushions for plumpness,
throwing heft, bite-resistance and tumble-braking. In other words, the kind
of job that’d be fun for about a day–once the novelty wore off, it’d
be about as tedious as it gets. Along with an increased ability to make all
your wishes happen comes responsibility. Until your fantasies are really in
line with what you want and need in the long-term and not just the moment, you
won’t consistently be able to make them come true.




Scorpio
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)



If the walls
are talking, no one’s listening. I certainly don’t want to feed into
any latent psychoses that might be lurking in your subconscious, but the universe
has been whispering subtle clues and very quietly offering divine guidance over
the past week. Unfortunately, you’re either just deaf enough to miss these
hints, or ignoring them. If it’s the former, simply paying attention ought
to be enough to help you play catch-up; if you’re being deliberately obtuse,
however, you almost deserve what you get. Don’t let self-defeating attitudes
keep you from making shit happen; if you miss out, it’s not just you who
suffers–it’s everyone who shares your heart, head or house.




Sagittarius
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)



Resist looking
under the rug where all your life’s grunge has been swept the past three
months, because when you discover it still lurking there, perhaps multiplying
and festering, you’ll become too depressed to do anything about it. That
mess needs to be cleaned up soon, make no mistake, just not this week, when
it’ll just bury you in filth instead of motivating you to clean it all
up. For now, ignore the disgusting detritus of your recent screw-ups. Instead,
please concentrate on not adding to them by staying focused on the tasks at
hand.




Capricorn
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)



Sometimes
when her students were exceptionally restless, especially on hot days in late
spring, my elementary school teacher would turn out the lights and instruct
us all to put our heads down on our desks for a little while. Naturally, if
this had been a routine thing, it would never have worked; we’d have wreaked
all sorts of mischief. But the change from our daily grind was so welcome, it
had exactly the effect intended; we were soothed and calmed. You need this kind
of breather; a real break from the oppressive burden of your routine. Turn out
the lights, Cap. Put your head down on the desk for a while and just breathe.




Aquarius
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)



Stop begging
at the dinner table like the family dog. Sitting and staring longingly at what
you want so badly won’t get it for you; table scraps are strictly forbidden
in the house you live in. However, that doesn’t mean that what you desire
is absolutely out of reach; it just requires more resourcefulness, patience
and persistence than you’ve so far demonstrated. How much do you want it?
Only the greatest degree of creativity and ingenuity will yield it to you. Now
that you know what’s necessary to get what you desire, all that’s
left is to either commit, full-on, to getting it or just give up and go lie
down.




Pisces
(Feb. 19-March 20)



Right now
the distances you’re covering are so vast that being halfway to your destination
still feels like you haven’t started. But don’t worry, the desert
you’re crossing isn’t as limitless as it feels; in truth, you only
have to cover as much ground as you’ve already managed. Just because the
green oasis of your destination still lies beyond the wavy heat trails drifting
across your sight doesn’t mean it’s still as unreachable as it was
a couple months ago. Persist, sweet Piscean, in spite of the obstacles and distances
that seem to be ahead. You’re more than strong enough to make it, even
if you don’t feel that way right now, and the lush paradise beyond these
shifting sands is worth the sweat and tears.




caeriel@yahoo.com


This week’s horoscope.

Written by None - Do not Delete on . Posted in Posts.



While the
sun illuminates your usually murky domain, things seem clearer than usual, but
also larger, more epic and momentous. The dim depths of your soul’s ocean
are flooded with light, revealing the myriad nefarious oddities that reside
there. All month you’ve fidgeted under the dazzling, revealing radiance
of that benevolent but occasionally overwhelming star. This week, the Sun finally
exits your stage, leaving you to your more comfortable (if confusing) soft-edged
reality. Luckily, by that time you’ll have located and harnessed a couple
of new tools or companions that can help you navigate those shadowy deepnesses.
And if you haven’t managed to track down the necessary gizmos or guides
you’ll need for the next leg of your adventure, get on it–you have
a few days left.




Aries
(March 21-April 19)



You’re
trapped in a game of leapfrog, and you’re not doing much jumping. Shit.
Being used for the advancement of others sucks, and according to the rules of
the game you’ve tacitly agreed to, you’re supposed to just sit there
and take it. Fuck that. Stand up, already. Make yourself so tall that those
who seek to pass you over will crash into you instead. So what if it’s
not your turn? It’s your turn when you make it your turn. Yep, there’s
a chance you could get knocked down by the next behemoth hopping up this path.
So what? You were down already. What have you got to lose?




Taurus
(April 20-May 20)



Your most
useful skills aren’t ones you acquired at the university. You just can’t
learn some of this shit in school. Remember when your favorite uncle taught
you how to break into a car? Or when your big brother gave you advice about
women (or men)? Your best friend hooked you up with the most badass way to get
rid of bill collectors, Jehovah’s Witnesses and telemarketers once and
for all. You know this is the shit. So why cling to book-learning when it comes
to your latest fucked-up quandary? The problem is primed to move–if only
you’d apply Grandma’s stewed prune recipe to the blockage, instead
of what some lameass taught you in college.




Gemini
(May 21-June 20)



Used-car
salesman you’re not. Most Geminis are famous talkers but not great at the
hard sell. It’s too crass. It’s always been your way to subtly allow
the other person to come up with what you always intended as if it were her
own idea, then just agree. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t, but
it’s consistent enough that you haven’t felt any pressing need to
consider alternative strategies. It’s never been a driving ambition of
yours to get too good at manipulating people, anyway. However, since
your buddies will never suggest what you want now without tangible prompting,
something a little less subtle (but still a far cry from selling anyone a lemon
they don’t need) is called for this week. Experiment until you figure out
what works for you, and them.




Cancer
(June 21-July 22)



Emerge from
the dim crying depths of your room. Cancer, the New Moon in Aries heralds a
month of almost unprecedented emotional lightness, with more glee than gloom,
more delight than depression and more hilarity than horror. So although you
must be lauded for sparing your friends from the worst of your recent moodiness
(whenever you were capable of working it out on your own, which was often),
your sad sulking days are over, at least for the moment. Go have fun, for fuck’s
sake. Go be a carefree kid in every way you can. Go play.




Leo (July
23-Aug. 22)



Keep your
blood sugar levels up. It can sometimes seem like you have boundless reservoirs
of energy and determination to tap into–whenever you’re motivated
not to be lazy–but these, despite their extraordinary depth, still have
limits, and if you’re not careful to maintain your well-being in the midst
of any long-haul endeavor, you could stall suddenly. What I’m trying to
say is that your internal fuel gauge isn’t all that accurate, and that
your huge gas tanks could be running on empty even while the arrow points to
full. To stay on the safe side this week, do what you know you ought to be doing
to take care of yourself, instead of relying on simply what you feel you need.




Virgo
(Aug. 23-Sept. 22)



A little
stress is good for you. You of all people know this; without a certain constant
undercurrent of tension and urgency, you get bored and restless. But, obviously,
there are limits. Don’t hover too close to the line between too much and
just enough this week, because you never know when a surprise could push you
over the threshold. There’s no guarantee you’ll have to deal with
anything unexpected, but it doesn’t seem entirely unlikely. Give yourself
an emotional buffer; risk being bored and chill out a little. That way, if the
shit hits the fan, you’ll be ready to rock out, not pass out.




Libra
(Sept. 23-Oct. 22)



Join the
crowds out on the dance floor, Libra. You’ve been a wallflower for ages
now. Stop thinking that just because no one’s asked it means no one’s
interested. You can take the initiative, you know. And besides, if you want
to dance, dance! Screw waiting for a partner. Live for yourself, young hopeful.
If you manage to really and truly do that, you’ll not only be happier,
you’ll be more magnetic, and exciting, and compelling–in other words,
the more happily you can dance (or do anything) alone, the less often, ironically,
you’ll find yourself actually alone.




Scorpio
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)



Be careful
when you open your mouth this week. Your best strategy may be to pretend that
you are a mutant superhero (or supervillain) whose voice is so devastatingly
loud that you smash windows with an errant hiccup and raze buildings with a
scream. This much power ought to be used responsibly. Don’t let your words
wreak devastation on those you love. However, this doesn’t mean you need
to shut up, at all. To the contrary, let’s pretend that your silence also
is a superpower, one that makes living things wither away. So finally, there’s
only a single path left for one as gifted and puissant as you: to speak, always,
but to say only the things you absolutely mean.




Sagittarius
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)



I need a
nap. My eyes won’t stay open. I’m sleep-deprived. My concentration
falters. Long sentences daunt me. (I might fall asleep midway through them.)
So I’m keeping it short. (For both our sakes.) Do the same this week. If
a task surpasses you, break it down. In smaller chunks, it won’t intimidate
you. Take it easy. Practice serenity. Tackle one piece at a time. The puzzle
will reveal itself. Be patient. Take one small step, then the next. Don’t
worry about how many more there are to go. You’ll arrive at your destination
eventually. (I did.) Coming next week: really long sentences, and deities born
full-grown.




Capricorn
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)



You’re
a singular sensation waiting to happen. You just haven’t found your audience
yet, the ones who’ll adulate and worship you for the things you’re
so good at. You’ve located isolated fans, but they haven’t coalesced
into a social phenomenon, a sweeping tsunami of Capricorn appreciation that
will consume and flatten everything in its path. Okay, I’m being dramatic;
this isn’t a Janet’s-boob-caliber to-do you should be expecting here.
But even though its effects will be more localized than that fiasco, you’ll
be far more worthy of the attention–which, in turn, will be more real,
and actually last long enough to matter.




Aquarius
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)



If only
you could convert your skin to solar panels, and recharge your internal batteries
off the dazzling luminousness of the cavalcade of attention you’ve been
receiving lately. I’m not even sure if it’s the kind of interest you
enjoy; from here the glare seems blistering. But I do know one thing: Since
it’s not about to abate, you can’t escape it, short of changing your
name and going into hiding. Therefore, this week you ought to concentrate on
finding a way to keep it from draining you, and make it actually revitalize
you, instead.




caeriel@yahoo.com


This week’s horoscope.

Written by None - Do not Delete on . Posted in Posts.



Nina Simone
(a fellow Piscean) sang, so beautifully: "Like a flower waiting to bloom,
like a light bulb in a dark room, I am sitting here waiting for you to come
home and turn me on." That made me think of you, because this kind of longing
is a powerful force in your life right now. I envy you, actually. There’s
someone special who’s patiently waiting for you to come turn them on, or
vice versa. That’s a lucky and rare thing, sweetheart. Wherever that person
is–that’s home. Go home, baby. Go home.




Aries
(March 21-April 19)



The smoky
lenses of your perception have steadily darkened all winter, leaving your world
shrouded in layers of frigid cynicism. Luckily, the springy lightness of your
essentially hopeful nature has retained a hint of green, even while buried under
snow and ice. Now, with spring imminent, the load of doubt weighing you down
will melt, giving you the chance to send forth new shoots, and new branches
and new leaves, ready to soak up sunlight, love and the other things that nurture
you. They’re also able to generate buds that will, in time, burst open
abundantly into exotic blooms the likes of which you’ve never seen before,
let alone produced. But we’re getting ahead of ourselves. This week, find
your neglected hope and start nurturing it. When the glacier pinning you evaporates
in the coming weeks, I want you to be ready to explode with new growth and innocence.




Taurus
(April 20-May 20)



You’re
a hippo in a deliciously cool mud wallow. That’s not some weird commentary
on your weight; I’m referring to your state of mind. You have immense reasons
to be content, comfortable, at ease. No one’s going to mess with you right
now, and you’ve got everything you need at hand. So why wander from the
wallow? You’ll be missing something soon enough and have to return to the
hunt, or the search, or a familiar state of longing. Why go there prematurely?
Enjoy what you’ve got, and don’t pollute it with the greed of wanting
more. Got it, Taurus? It’s quite simple. Just wallow.




Gemini
(May 21-June 20)



Don’t
be too zealous about guarding your personal space this week. Astrological influences
indicate you’re going to have to just deal with elbows in your side on
the subway or unwelcome hangers-on at the office or kids in leech mode, or go
quite mad trying to fend them all off. Hey, it’s inconvenient, but it could
be worse. People want and need to be close to you; it’s unfortunate that
it’s closer than you’d like, but you have to admit it’s still
better than everyone giving you a wide berth and not approaching you at all.
In other words, try to see it this way: a little too much is better than none
at all.




Cancer
(June 21-July 22)



With this
week’s full moon in Virgo, you’ve got an amazing opportunity to set
up your next seven steps in any direction, and a reasonable assurance that all
will conform exactly to design. Seven steps may not seem like much to most people,
but you and I know that your ability to accurately plot into the future has
been extremely limited lately, so more than a half dozen stages of a plan going
precisely right is an incredible luxury. Recent distractions have made you fall
behind the schedule you created for yourself at the beginning of the year. Now’s
your chance to catch up and get back on track. Don’t waste it.




Leo (July
23-Aug. 22)



Have you
lost hope? Fuck, don’t let those arguments (masquerading as realism) convince
you that to persist now would be like throwing tons of time and energy into
a black hole from which nothing will ever, ever emerge. They’re wrong,
so don’t let this kind of thinking reach infinite mass and drag you down
forever. Fighting it head-on, however, would also be a mistake. There’s
only one way to move through the powerful gravitic forces of these insanely
heavy thoughts–surrender to them, but keep a tight grip on the psychic-silk
dragline to your determination and hope (no matter how "unrealistic").
Say: "You’re right. This will probably all end in tragedy. But I’m
going for it anyway, full-on, in case there’s a chance it won’t."
That chance does exist–but only if you believe in it.




Virgo
(Aug. 23-Sept. 22)



Virgo Macy
Gray sings: "Sugar wishes don’t change what is real, or how it feels…"
That’s your mantra this week, sweet baby. It’s good to have hopes
and delicious desires, but just dreaming of them ain’t going to make them
a reality, at least this week. You’ve got to deal with what’s real,
and possibly work quite hard to make your fondest fantasies manifest. In other
words, you get to do just what you’re good at; roll up your sleeves and
sweat to make things happen–and consequently enjoy them more fervently
and fully when they do.




Libra
(Sept. 23-Oct. 22)



The evening
news is all about fear. Start noticing that their nightly message is a litany
of new things for you to worry about or be afraid of. The vast majority of these
things will never happen to you, and fretting won’t make them less likely,
in any case. Cut the newscast–and anything else that adds to the sum total
of your fears–from your psychic diet. Make absolute fearlessness your goal.
Anything that doesn’t fall under the lean guideline of "reasonable
caution" is health-destroying mental fat, so eliminate it. Then go have
fun, because what else is left to do?




Scorpio
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)



You sometimes
feel like you’re on a mighty lonely journey, eh, Scorpio? That you’ve
been walking solo for just ages now, and the only people you pass are going
in the opposite direction. But you’re not alone–you’re just late.
All your sweet soul companions have arrived, just ahead of you, at the oasis
you’re approaching, and are patiently waiting for you to get there. Don’t
expect huge crowds, only an elite few. But take heart–there’s a high
likelihood that when you catch up to the group, you’ll find a remarkable
and fascinating companion or three, to accompany you along the next stretch.




Sagittarius
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)



Obsession.
It’s a mental trip you Sags are all but immune to, at least compared to
most of the other signs. However, when it strikes you, it’s just as intense
as it is for those singleminded Aries or nervous Virgos. You’re teetering
on the edge of that precarious and all-encompassing state, so tread carefully
right now. You need the sun you’re drawn to. You crave its warmth and beneficence.
But you also need some protection from it, or you’ll go blind with longing.
So take a careful step back, don some shades, slather on some psychic sunscreen,
and go bask in deliciousness, instead of frying in ridiculousness.




Capricorn
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)



It’s
not that you don’t have an emotional side–something you’re often
ridiculously accused of lacking. This is because it sometimes seems that way,
because of your exceptional ability to temporarily bypass even the most intense
feelings to get shit done when necessary. However, the wisest of us never doubt
for a second that you’re as deep as they come. While you could do without
those idiots who think otherwise, it’s still in your best interest to not
present such a stoic, practical face to the world. Emote. Let your softest,
fuzziest side show. You might be amazed at who reaches out to touch it.




Aquarius
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)



If humans
survive for another 10,000 years, at least segments of our species will be so
transformed that they’ll be virtually unrecognizable as human. They will
call into question exactly what it means to be human; whether our species is
what it is because it retains a certain shape, or a certain method of thought,
or certain philosophies. I got into this train of thought because I was thinking
of how you’re going to wrap your mind around this week’s conundrums.
The things you desire (and possibly need) are likely to be presented to you
in unfamiliar shapes and packages. So what do you want, Aquarius? The present
itself, or does the wrapping matter, too?




caeriel@yahoo.com


This week’s horoscope.

Written by None - Do not Delete on . Posted in Posts.



During your
birthday season I want to remind you, with love, of the power of your internal
contradictions, which you more often let baffle you than enlighten you. This
coming year, keep in mind that when you are at your worst, you are also, perversely,
closer to being at your best than at most other times. When you are experiencing
one of life’s darker moments, the veil between you and serenity is actually
thinner than usual. Put it this way–the deep hole you’re in at those
moments is actually the hollow interior of a mountain on the other side of your
inner planet. Dig through and you’ll be on top your world again.




Aries
(March 21-April 19)



Surrender
to the primitive this week. Bang on a drum. Fuck in a tree, or a hot spring,
or simply with mad animal abandon. Your power right now derives directly from
your internal Neanderthal, from you-as-monkey, from your gut and your skin and
your chaotic primal source. Forgive your busy brain its incessant prattling,
but don’t give it much heed, either. All those fluttering thoughts aren’t
where it’s at. Obviously, you’ll need to use your head often this
week, just because that’s what your life demands. However, please try,
whenever possible–whenever there’s a choice between instinct and dull,
dry reason–to choose the one that makes an explosive supernova of your
heart, not the one that merely makes sense.




Taurus
(April 20-May 20)



Don’t
question the ease. When your half-assed efforts yield brilliant results, flow
with it. That’s just how your week is. I know how hard you usually have
to work for things before you catch a break, so simply accept the sweet deals,
the effortless lays and the winning numbers. You rarely get things handed to
you on such shiny silver platters. Wear an inflamed sense of entitlement, for
one week only, instead of clothes. It’s all you need. One minor caveat:
Don’t get used to it. Come next week, you’ll have to dress yourself
and work for a living, just like everyone else.




Gemini
(May 21-June 20)



You swallowed
a sword and forgot to pull it back out. Ouch! You’ve become so casual and
offhand about devouring danger that now you’re faced with that 33-inch
blade working its way through your system, the hard way. I wish I’d noticed
it when you still could have grabbed the hilt and extricated yourself from this
edgy situation, but now it’s too late. Seek out some astrological lube
to swallow, quick. Not sure how to find it? It’s easily identifiable–anything
(or anyone) that gives your stomach butterflies. Found some? If I were you,
I’d lie down at that spring and drink deep, all week long.




Cancer
(June 21-July 22)



Like the
other water signs, you’re blessed with seven secret senses that the rest
of us can only guess at. You’ll need to rely on them, especially the equivalent
of your emotional sonar and radar, since the dangers and opportunities swimming
past you (or toward you) through the ether are invisible to the naked eye, disguised
as people you’d never notice, let alone bat a flirtatious eyelash at. These
sharks and octopussies merit your wariness and discernment, so make sure all
secret systems are go. Don’t believe the hype that you’re stuck with
the same basic sensory equipment as everyone else. Trust the fluttery sensations
at the edges of sight and under your skin. This week, they’re what’ll
keep you safe (or stimulated).




Leo (July
23-Aug. 22)



With the
sun swimming in the glimmery waters of the Piscean Sea you are even more inclined
than usual to relish the glamour of things you can’t understand, to be
drawn to mystery and surrender to the unknowable. Fine. I applaud your courage,
imagination and passion. Just one warning or promise, before you wade in over
your head: The places you’re wanting to go will probably be good for you,
but may also require a huge shift of personal paradigm. What I mean is, for
months or years now you’ve kept the royal coin of your kingdom POWER side
up. If you truly want to venture into these new territories, it’s time
to flip that coin. The other side, of course, says: letting go.




Virgo
(Aug. 23-Sept. 22)



You can’t
bubble-wrap your heart through this one, baby. You’ve managed to protect
it through a number of rough tumbles and scrapes by swaddling it in layers of
insulation, but it’s time to open your chest and walk around with heart
on sleeve, instead of trapped and sheltered inside the cage of your ribs. Believe
me, it’s not as scary as it sounds; it’s actually exhilarating. You’ll
notice colors, music, scents and flavors you’d swear you’ve never
experienced before. And you’ll be that much closer, more accessible and
more available to the other delicious sensations coming your way. I can’t
tell you more. It’d ruin the surprise.




Libra
(Sept. 23-Oct. 22)



Don’t
let nostalgia fuck you; a few months pass, and suddenly your tendency to romanticize
the past destroys your equilibrium. That asshole you dated and dumped last year
suddenly seems "not so bad." You can’t remember, quite, what
compelled you to cast off that dead weight. "Maybe," you speculate,
"I was being too picky." No, you weren’t. Don’t trust your
fickle memory this week, especially if it disagrees with your diary, or your
closest compadres. The antidote to all this Vaseline-lensed reminiscence? Focus
on the exciting promise of the future or, better yet, making those thrilling
possibilities available to you NOW.




Scorpio
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)



Two key
parts of the Scorpionic diet are stomach butterflies and the kind of hackle-raising
shivers you get when you’re terrified and walking into a haunted moonlit
graveyard, or a new love, or the end of a beloved chapter of your life. Unfortunately,
lately you’ve been starving. You’re practically wasting away. Fuck,
Scorpio, it’s your own fault. You’ve been passing the seedy alleys
and dark hearts that thrill and deliciously devastate you. This week, start
exploring derelict places and tempting yourself with forbidden fruits. Whether
or not you actually find any hidden treasure or eat any exotic produce, you’ll
have cured, finally, your spiritual anorexia.




Sagittarius
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)



Talk about
feeling torn. The forces influencing you this week may stretch you to the point
of snapping. The irony is that neither enthusiastic devotee has malicious intent;
it’s your own popularity and desirability that’s the culprit. Spare
your admirers, and yourself, the destructive backlash of you coming apart at
the seams, by gently loosening their grips, especially one of them. That might
mean making a choice you were unprepared for, but since you were likely to spoil
one or both connections with a minor breakdown, go for damage control. This
way you can save one, and possibly both.




Capricorn
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)



Watch out
for those innocent tricksters, the Pisceans, this week, as they’re liable
to fool you big time without even trying. In fact, they’ll be so guileless
that you’ll end up, if you’re not careful, feeling like you fooled
yourself. That could end up sending you on a bender, or at least a self-destructive
wallow, and none of us needs that. There’s no need to be overcautious or
excessively suspicious. But when a mischievious Pisces invites you to play one
of his or her sweet games (which could be hilarious fun), make sure you just
play, and don’t go so far that you get played.




Aquarius
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)



If anyone
has hope of overcoming the bullshit True Love Programming we’ve all been
trained to believe in and live by, it’s you, Aquarius. We look to you for
inspiration, this week, on how to live outside of the ridiculously unattainable
expectations we’ve been bred with. What are the solid elements of partnership,
the ones that can outlast the fickle ebb and flow of sexual desire and romantic
passion? And how to find the partners who are willing to meet you there, sex
or no sex? It’s a tricky, slippery slope, and whether or not you ascribe
to this path or philosophy in the long term, I’m confident that by spending
this week paying attention to questions like these, you’ll get at least
one or two gems that will improve every relationship you have from here on out.




caeriel@yahoo.com


This week’s horoscope.

Written by None - Do not Delete on . Posted in Posts.



A cow in
Gujarat, India, accidentally swallowed 1722 diamonds dropped by a local merchant.
Now the poor guy is keeping a vigil over the beast, waiting for it to shit out
the precious stones. Similarly, you’ve mislaid a bunch of your own personal
treasure, and you’re in the same boat as that unlucky fellow. If you want
your riches back, you’ll have to sift through a lot of shit to find it.
Go ahead and tap into some of your long-held reserves of patience and persistence.
It’ll pay off. But eventually you’ll have to throw up your hands and
let some of your former fortune go. At that point, just walk away, counting
your blessing.




Aries
(March 21-April 19)



They’re
handing out books in Mexico City’s subway–to help fight crime. They
theorize that not only will distributing seven million paperbacks improve the
atmosphere, it will help educate people and make them less likely to rob others.
I can’t say I buy their hypotheses, but so what? Giving books away probably
will have more positive than negative repercussions. Likewise, the measures
you’re considering may not be quite enough to get the job done, but go
through with them anyway. You and everyone else involved will end up better
off and that much closer to coming up with the solutions that will finish off
these particular quandaries, once and for all.




Taurus
(April 20-May 20)



Quit making
excuses. Yeah, you have some legitimate reasons for bailing on some of your
more daunting responsibilities and opportunities, but mostly you need to admit
that all the obstacles you’re citing are so surmountable, mere molehills
compared to some of the mountains you’ve climbed in the past. So what’s
stopping you? From here it looks like either laziness or an unprecedented lack
of courage. Buck up. If you wait for them to construct a ski lift to the top,
you’ll be waiting way too long, and miss out on the long, exhilarating
rides down the other side.




Gemini
(May 21-June 20)



As I was
walking my dog in the frigid cold outside last night, I heard the inane, macabre
tinkle of an ice cream truck coming down my street. I was convinced I was mistaken;
what idiot would try to sell frozen treats in sub-zero weather? Further investigation
revealed that a Mr. Softee truck was indeed parked nearby, hawking its wares,
and what’s more, people were buying! The few passersby were so bemused
and amused by the incongruity of the situation that they just had to buy a cone.
When I reviewed your astrological forecast for the week, I thought of this situation–it’s
not exactly prime season for people to buy what you’re selling, but if
I were you, I’d put it all out there anyway. You might be surprised.




Cancer
(June 21-July 22)



Homing pigeons,
it turns out, don’t take their bearings from the sun; instead they follow
the roads. A British team of researchers found that the birds would navigate
their routes based on highways below them, even to the point of turning at junctions
and going around roundabouts. So why the hell are you sweating trying to follow
intermittent and vague internal signs? You’re not the first person to walk
this emotional road. Sure, trusting your instincts is a good basic strategy,
but sometimes, when they’re not entirely clear, you can just follow the
same street signs and highways as everyone else or, you know, ask directions.




Leo (July
23-Aug. 22)



This is
a shitty time for your sense of entitlement to fail you. Where’s your fabled
cockiness? Your indomitable self-confidence? When something this good and unprecedented
happens to you, you’re not supposed to cringe and doubt your worthiness.
Instead, regally and graciously receive it as your rightful due. Also, resist
questioning the obvious value or veracity of the treasure in front of you. It’s
real, it’s here, it’s worth more than you could ever know and it’s
yours. Yes, you’re very, very lucky. Never forget that, or cease to be
thankful for it. But just accept it already.




Virgo
(Aug. 23-Sept. 22)



Be prepared
for minor yet profound surprises this week. An example of what to look out for:
having the wallet you lost three years ago returned, with all photos, cards
and cash still inside (all $18 of it); or your former best friend finally calling
you after coming to his senses about his foray into the evil cult of Scientology;
or discovering evidence that your childhood pet really did go to live on a farm
for years, instead of being put to sleep, as you’d suspected. In the grand
scheme of things, big deal; you’d already let these things go ages ago,
gotten over it and happily moved on. But allowing a few more blessings into
your little world can only improve it, so why wouldn’t you?




Libra
(Sept. 23-Oct. 22)



The only
time my downstairs neighbors are ever nice to me (fuck, the only time they even
acknowledge me) is when they need something, like access to the roof
(through my apartment); the rest of the time they seize every opportunity to
undermine my position here (tattling to the landlord about my dog, or about
any guest who might be visiting from out of town). So I don’t believe they
warrant any special treatment or niceties from me, based on their behavior.
Still, I’ve never once acted directly against their interests, not because
they don’t deserve it, but because I don’t deserve to become
that petty person. This week, when you have the choice between being righteously
nasty or undeservedly sweet, choose the latter–for your sake, not theirs.




Scorpio
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)



Your worst
and most incriminatory actions tend to sprout from a feeling of smallness, or
not mattering. Now, everyone feels this way from time to time–only you
Scorps are such effective and dangerous people that when you act out, there
are usually serious repercussions. Therefore, may I suggest taking proactive
steps to avoid that feeling of inconsequentiality? For instance, I’m learning
German, and it feels good to spend time every day acquiring a tangible new piece
of knowledge. Starting today, follow my example, and become, in whatever way
you wish, more than you were yesterday, and the day before, and so on. Soon
you’ll be so big inside yourself that the thought of doing anything the
least bit petty or mean won’t even occur to you.




Sagittarius
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)



I can’t
believe it’s come to this: a lecture about wallflower syndrome. You Sagittarians
are notoriously larger-than-life, so I’m just plain shocked that you’re
considering taking in your own oversize britches. There’s a fine line between
humility and selling yourself short, and you’ve crossed it–in the
wrong direction. "It’s better to be humble than arrogant," I
hear you muttering, in your own defense. Screw that. You’re among the best,
so just fucking own it. If you don’t, some cheap hack is going to get what
you deserve because he’s willing to sing his own praises when you’re
not.




Capricorn
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)



Your life
is a fairy tale this week–or as close as real life gets–and not the
boring parts of those stories, either, like when the princess pricks her finger
on a spindle and sleeps for a hundred years. Instead, look for more exciting
action, like becoming the beneficiary of an almost magical godmother figure,
engaging in victorious battle against an evil, tyrannizing dragon or finally
proving yourself the rightful heir to a throne (of sorts). No more biding your
time in an ivory tower waiting for something to happen. Come on, Rapunzel. Let
down your goddamn hair already. The prince is waiting.




Aquarius
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)



Thank you,
Aquarius, for being receptive to outlandish ideas these past few weeks. This
is a good general move for you, as history shows that some of your best plans
are hatched out of the oddest eggs (and often go through some serious ugly duckling
stages along the way before they mature into the elegant solutions they’re
destined to become). So keep it up; your diligent open-mindedness is the only
key you need to unlock the doors behind which lie your most fascinating and
successful paths. Feel like settling for the third-best route into your future?
Just stop listening.




caeriel@yahoo.com


This week’s horoscope.

Written by None - Do not Delete on . Posted in Posts.


Slow down,
you maniac. You’re not a racecar driver careening around corners, protected
by years of training, safety equipment and a gravel trap to slow you down if
you skid off the track. Your breakneck speeds might be thrilling, but they’re
also reckless, and pointless besides. This isn’t a race. You’ll get
to where you’re going–assuming you don’t wipe out and crash (simultaneously
dragging half the other drivers off the road along with you). To avoid that
horribly unpleasant (and completely unnecessary) eventuality, gently put your
foot on the brake. Turn on your stereo, crack a window, appreciate the scenery
and just, in general, enjoy the ride.



Pisces
(Feb. 19-March 20)


Pisceans
can fall into a trap of self-distrust. Because you’re usually of two (or
three, or five) minds about virtually everything, it can be incredibly difficult
to figure out just what to do. Unfortunately, this is part of your very nature.
(Your sign’s symbol is two fish tethered together, swimming in opposite
directions.) It’s a strength to see things from so many different angles,
but it can also lead to inaction or inability to commit. Don’t let that
happen to you. You may never be 100 percent about something, but I think if
you poll your heart, gut and mind, you should be able to form an internal consensus
and actually choose something (or someone). Don’t wait for the moment
when everything clicks because it may never come. Instead, hold out for
the instant when most things click, and go for it.



Aries
(March 21-April 19)


When you’re
stuck in quicksand, don’t thrash around or panic. Fidgeting and trying
to get free will only facilitate your suctioned descent into muck. Instead,
try to lie still and float–and holler for rescue. If help isn’t forthcoming
(which it simply may not be), don’t flip out. You can get yourself
out of the mess–you just have to be very patient. Move slowly and carefully
against the viscosity of the trap. This week, flailing is your absolute worst
option (followed by shitting your pants, freaking out or even just worrying).
Relax and go as slowly as you possibly can, and you’ll float effortlessly
free of your sticky situation. Struggle and you’ll sink like a stone.



Taurus
(April 20-May 20)


Sometimes
fantasies are easy to make happen. The best ones, in your book, are also the
least complicated: Spending a night wrapped in the arms of the one you love
is far more enjoyable and achievable than some other signs’ more ambitious
and elaborate dreams. Keeping it simple is exactly the way to maintain happiness
this week. No need for convoluted plans of action. Definitely don’t overthink
your situation or draft elaborate scenarios for how to improve upon it. You’ll
please yourself (and everyone around you) best by simply doing what feels right.



Gemini
(May 21-June 20)


Sarcasm
will get you nowhere (since those you’re forced to deal with this week
are liable to take you seriously). Neither will flattery, however, because it’s
bound to come off (despite the actual intentions behind it) as insincere and
manipulative. In other words, quiet earnestness, as boring as that may be, is
your best ticket to clear communication for now, and anything that involves
layers of meaning or innuendo will simply backfire. So chill out, prankster.
We all know you’re witty and clever and fucking brilliant. But now we want
to know: Just how real and uncomplicated can you be?



Cancer
(June 21-July 22)


You’ve
got lovely bones. I’m referring to the solid underpinnings of your emotional
world, which is based in all that’s beautiful, true and honest about human
connection. Unfortunately, they’ve been partially obscured by fatty feelings,
emotional cellulite you’ve acquired, through crappy circumstance and occasional
foul treatment, as a kind of buffer. But there’s no need for that layer
of spiritual blubber anymore. You’re quick and smart enough to dodge the
few karmic missiles still aimed in your direction. So go on an emotional diet,
starting this week: Eat your words before you say them, if you discover they’re
coming from a place of fear or self-protection. If that leaves you feeling exposed
and vulnerable, you’ve done the right thing. For the wonderful something
coming your way, you want to be as naked, open and receptive as possible.



Leo (July
23-Aug. 22)


The rubble
from the avalanche that buried you months ago is finally shifting. You haven’t
managed to climb clear yet, but at least you’ve been able to move. That
must feel amazing, after being just plain stuck for so long. There’s light,
air and the promise of imminent freedom–finally. Start digging yourself
out, of course, Leo, but be careful. Scrambling heedlessly could trigger another
avalanche that leaves you buried worse than before. There’s no need for
fear, overthinking or glacially slow movement. Just keep your eyes and ears
open, and take your time.



Virgo
(Aug. 23-Sept. 22)


You hate
things hanging over your head. I’m not talking mistletoe here; I’m
referring to urgent, unfinished tasks. In fact, having one of these specters
haunting you can be nearly incapacitating until you’ve finally done your
duty. Unfortunately, because of the unique vagaries of complicated timing required
this week, you are going to have to choose your moments carefully and act when
a window of opportunity appears, regardless of what else you’re trying
to finish that minute. In other words, you might as well get used to doing one
thing while you’ve got three other half-finished things lurking in the
background of your mind. If you don’t, I can guarantee: You’ll end
the week without finishing a single one of them.



Libra
(Sept. 23-Oct. 22)


You asked
for it. "Go ahead," you dared your critics. "Dish it out. I can
take it." And you can, as it turns out. But it still sucks to be receiving
verbal rundowns of your flaws and failings at every turn. It almost makes it
impossible to aspire to actual self-improvement because you’re so busy
weathering storms of scathing censure. Still, you might as well batten down
your emotional hatches and let your detractors get it out of their systems.
Once they do and you’re still not only standing, but soaring, they won’t
be able to help being impressed.



Scorpio
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)


Nobody knows
the trouble you’ve seen–or caused. That’s right, except me; I’m
onto you. I know that only about half the shit you’re responsible for actually
gets credited to you. I’ve been conspiring to keep it secret as well, in
order to prevent your already tarnished rep from being sullied further. But
since at least a couple of your secret coups are about to be oh-so-publicly
exposed this week (or maybe next week), I say beat the astrological muckrakers
to the punch. Own up to (and simply own) what you’ve done. It’ll take
the wind out of their sails and right into yours.



Sagittarius
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)


First thoughts
are usually your most powerful ones. It’s when you stop to rethink things
that they get distracted, distorted and diluted. That’s why you Sags are
almost always at your best when you’re acting from your gut instinct without
much pause for reflection (except in retrospect). Unfortunately, living in a
city has taken a lot of the oomph out of your usually tremendous initiative.
Banish the phrase "On second thought" from your lexicon. Commit to
the wisdom of your subconscious mind this week, and just go with your deepest
impulses. It might land you in a little trouble, but it will ultimately get
you closer to your own best (truest) path.



Capricorn
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)


Your flawless
perspicacity is renowned the world over. There’s one virtue to spending
a good chunk of your life as your crowd’s resident wallflower: You have
a lot of time to think, analyze and come up with incredibly astute (and oft
hilarious) conclusions. But this week is about action, baby, not observation.
You know as well as anyone that unless you’re able to actually use your
hard-won knowledge and wisdom, there’s no point to acquiring it. Unfortunately,
this week’s window of opportunity is vanishingly slim. Unless you leap
on it without hesitation, you’ll miss it.



caeriel@yahoo.com

This week’s horoscope.

Written by None - Do not Delete on . Posted in Posts.



Freakazoid.
That’s what the dorkiest of your attackers will be calling you this week.
It doesn’t even matter what you’re actually doing; people will spin
it so it makes you look weird. I say own it. Just go ahead and be your most
bizarre self. Say you’re expressing your "inner Bjork." The benefits
are threefold: You’re more likely to gain respect (albeit from the strangest
contingent of your friends) than lose it. Second, you may (re)discover the forgotten
geek or clown inside, whose skills or attitude would really come in handy just
now. Last, and best of all, you’re almost certain to have fun–more
in one stretch than you have in months.




Pisces
(Feb. 19-March 20)



Don’t
be snappish or petulant, no matter the temptation. You’re an oyster polluted
by astrological irritants that are bound to make you respond to virtually everything
with aggravation, not gratification. But the things people are giving you aren’t
specifically intended to push your buttons; they’re actually as impersonal
as dirt. Don’t spit them right out, no matter how bad they taste. Don’t
swallow them either, to turn to ulcers in your gut. Instead, chew on them for
a while; right now you have the power to turn shit into pearls, as long as you’re
patient, persistent and willing to suffer just a little (but no more or less).
Pearls, I say! To do anything else would almost be a crime.




Aries
(March 21-April 19)



The obstacle
in front of you is much like an elementary school bully. He’s got the advantage
of size and aggression but no clear agenda. So he does stupid-ass shit like
stepping side-to-side to block your path, repeatedly, just to piss you off.
There’s nothing you can do to appease him; getting a rise out of you will
only encourage him, and failing to do so will only inspire him to greater efforts.
I say knock him down now before things escalate too much. Make it count, so
that when he finally picks himself up he’ll think twice before fucking
with you again.




Taurus
(April 20-May 20)



With Mars
cannonballing into your sign this week, your temper, sex appeal and energy levels
should flare internally, but don’t let them erupt into action yet. Instead,
keep yourself simmering, like a sleeping Vesuvius full of molten fury, just
beneath the surface. You’ll have a much better opportunity to spend this
fervent force next week, so keeping the lid on until the right moment will really
pay off, if only you can manage it. That might be more difficult than it sounds,
because your fuse really has been trimmed quite short; mostly it’s going
to be about avoiding petty situations that might ignite it.




Gemini
(May 21-June 20)



Get down
off your soapbox before someone knocks it out from under you. You’re absolutely
right, but this is just the wrong time to make your point. No one is apt to
listen to you be preachy, overly philosophical or even merely educational. Not
that you need to stifle your important message; you just need to alter the format
a little. People are all ears when you’re telling jokes, hilarious anecdotes
from your past and straight-up trashy gossip. Slide your sermons, philosophies
and lessons into those formats and people will flock to you, not run away.




Cancer
(June 21-July 22)



You’re
not cotton candy, babe. You’d like to come off as sweet, light, colorful
and casual as spun sugar, but you’re just not. You’re heavy, dark
and rich, like flourless chocolate cake with espresso. Since the main problems
you may encounter this week have to do with pretending to be something you’re
not, simply don’t do that. There are times for acting, make-believe
and plain old lying, but this week ain’t one of them. Be absolutely real,
without embellishment or digression, because anything less will so obviously
be crap that people won’t have any qualms about hanging up, walking away
or kicking your ass.




Leo (July
23-Aug. 22)



You like
to feel special. What else is new? Welcome to the human condition. Only Leos
can take it to more of an extreme, occasionally picking partners or friends
based on their ability to give you that "special feeling," rather
than any particular commonality or quality of their own? Luckily for you, that
bit of shallowness rarely lasts long in a friendship, and you learn to admire
and appreciate all the beautiful qualities your flatterers possess, besides
silver tongues. This week, honor those qualities–everything that draws
you to a person besides how they make you feel about yourself–by making
sure they know how much you appreciate them.




Virgo
(Aug. 23-Sept. 22)



You’re
a three-year-old playing with an armed grenade. You simply have no idea what
you have in hand, nor how dangerous it is. Fortunately, you have enough coordination
to keep the thing from exploding; you just lack knowledge–or did, before
I warned you. Now that you know, you can closely examine all the people or situations
you’ve idly been tossing about, carefully set down the potentially explosive
one and quietly (but quickly) back away. You might feel tempted to succumb to
a martyrish urge to hold onto it so no one else need bear the brunt of that
detonation, but don’t. This ain’t your bomb, and you don’t deserve
to cope with its fallout. Put it down while you still have hands.




Libra
(Sept. 23-Oct. 22)



"Force
me to do what I want." That’s your mantra this week, and you should
be using it to encourage everyone around you to help you overcome your own resistance
to success. Your goals are close, possibly even reachable, but for some reason
you’re having a hard time motivating. You need more than a kick in the
butt. You need to be chained to your dreams and allowed to do nothing but advance
toward them. You need to be whipped and tortured into actually fulfilling your
greatest aspirations. Believe me, we are all ready to see you shine and succeed–even
if we have to bust your ass until you do.




Scorpio
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)



Travel someplace
and follow the recommendations of the guidebook you bought, and you’ll
have a positive, satisfactory experience. Diverge from the guidebook’s
limited information and you risk disaster, or you could find the secret
hotspot that’s way better than anything in the travel guide, simply because
no one knows about it. Get off the beaten path this week. Trust your instincts.
Why settle for adequate second best when you don’t have to? Keep the guidebook
handy, so you can gauge what average might be. Then don’t quit looking
until you’ve found much, much better. You will.




Sagittarius
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)



Have you
begun construction on your panic room? You’ve been experiencing such an
unusually high amount of anxiety (for you, at least; a typical Cancer would
consider this level of worry very low) that I’m half-expecting you to invest
in a sturdy steel room where you can hide from all the things you’re scared
of. The good and bad news is that your many apprehensions are purely in your
own head. It’s bad news because a bomb shelter would do little to shield
you from your own overactive imagination. But it’s good news because that’s
all it is. And an overactive imagination can be tamed into merely an
active, vital and vibrant one.




Capricorn
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)



The problem
with having a higher standard for yourself means your opponents can play dirty
and sometimes gain an advantage over you. Don’t let their lack of ethics
make you compromise yours, though. You don’t need to cheat. You may lose
on the sprint when they hitch a ride for part of the race, but you have the
strength, speed and courage to gain back the lead. If you don’t doubt yourself
or give up, you’ve got this marathon in the bag. You’re just better,
that’s all, and now you have the means to prove it, showing up all the
unscrupulous bastards who think they’ve got you beat.




Caeriel@yahoo.com


This week’s horoscope.

Written by None - Do not Delete on . Posted in Posts.



Welcome
to the headlines, Aquarius. All of a sudden your deeds are written in the biggest,
boldest font on everyone’s personal news page, and your greatest moments
are being written up in your crowd’s annals of heroism or infamy (depending
on their nature). Since you’re astrologically scheduled for this kind of
attention in the next couple weeks, if I were you I’d make sure my greatest
acts were worthy of the front page, so I wasn’t too embarrassed
when they put them there regardless. Go help an old lady cross the street or
something so we don’t have to read anything lame, like, "Stingy Aquarian
lives off ramen noodles for three weeks!"




Pisces
(Feb. 19-March 20)



If it weren’t
for the weather, this would be a great week to stroll naked in the streets.
There’s just no shame in your game these days, and it shows. This is a
good thing. We’ve made some of the other bad signs stay after school, wash
the chalkboards and clap the erasers of your past. In other words, thanks to
their diligence and your own creditability, you’ve got more or less a clean
slate, at least in all the rooms you use most frequently. There might be a dark
secret or two written in chalk on the walls of some basement storage closet,
but let’s not worry about that now. You’ve got some important lessons
to teach (and learn), and now you have the space and time to do so.




Aries
(March 21-April 19)



Spice things
up a little bit. We’re not talking the old standbys of salt, pepper and
Tabasco. Dip into slightly more exotic flavors, like cumin, paprika or saffron.
In other words, branch out. Don’t just make your same old familiar flavors
mouth-scorchingly hot; try some new ones. This is not something I usually need
to encourage you to do, but since you’re feeling irrationally cautious
without good reason, I thought I’d give you a friendly, encouraging slap
on the ass. When you stop growing, changing and being willing to experience
new things, that’s a kind of death. You’re nowhere near in danger
of that, but your reticence does make you seem a bit…old. Prove me wrong:
Open your mouth and say, "Ahh…"




Taurus
(April 20-May 20)



Your feet
might as well be bolted to the floor when you make up your mind. A tsunami couldn’t
move you without obliterating your whole damn house. Unfortunately, a tidal
wave of that magnitude is coming your way. It has the power to uproot the building,
and you with it. So even if you don’t change your mind, you might want
to play the "choose your battles" card and duck out of this fight.
There’ll be plenty more skirmishes with the universe this year, and most
of them you can actually win–but not if you get taken out in the first
round.



Gemini
(May 21-June 20)



You are
the Spam Conqueror, the Missing Sock Finder, the Bad Breath Blaster. You are
our hero, the every-schmo’s mutant, who can actually do something about
our day-to-day miseries. Take that, X-Men! There are those who may be far richer,
more powerful, more beautiful or supernaturally gifted. But can they keep our
inboxes free of unwanted solicitations, discover the hideouts of our absent
footwear or eradicate the halitosis of our otherwise perfect dates? No! Don’t
berate yourself for not having 10-inch adamantium claws or being able to control
the weather. Your abilities are far more valuable to those around you.



Cancer
(June 21-July 22)



This is
a good week to stand at the picket fence and gossip with your neighbor, Madge,
about whose kids are the milkman’s. Or it would be, if you lived in another
century. Some of your recent actions are hopelessly anachronistic, and while
that’s endearing on some level, it’s not going to get you results
unless you find someone else who’s stuck in exactly the same decade as
you. It’s hard for someone who loves old things, familiar faces and places,
and the tried and true to embrace the new. But unless you upgrade your outlook
to cutting edge, your antiquated attitudes will put you right out of business.




Leo (July
23-Aug. 22)



You’re
either useless or invaluable this week. There’s no middle ground for you
proud Lions. So the trick is finding the niches where people will regard you
as supremely indispensable, and avoiding the ones where you’ll just get
in the way. This is simple, given your breadth of self-knowledge–as long
as you don’t let your pride delude you. You have a tremendous repertoire
of skills you can do adequately, but an average performance won’t cut it
right now; it will, in fact, get you in trouble. However, there are quite a
few things you know you rock at. Stay busy with those and you can’t
go wrong.




Virgo
(Aug. 23-Sept. 22)



Don’t
make things personal or political. You’re in such a difficult, murky gray
area. I don’t envy you for the lose-lose situation you may find yourself
in this week, since someone whose goodwill you desire will probably end up feeling
betrayed. Sucks, but just remember this: When you’re asked to make judgment
calls between your two best friends, your mom and dad, or your boss and coworker,
your only real ally is the objective truth. If you play favorites, everyone
will see through you, resent you and lose respect for you. On the other hand,
if you make the right call, the one in the wrong may hate you now but forgive
you soon.




Libra
(Sept. 23-Oct. 22)



Sure, you
found a ladder all the way to the top. Too bad it’s made of breadsticks
that would never support your weight. Still, I wouldn’t wait around to
see if they get stronger as they get staler. What you have here is an amazing
opportunity to see how to get where you want to go, even if this exact
method won’t take you there. That’s all that’s been holding you
back: knowledge, not a failure of strength, talent or determination. Once you’ve
figured out your route, you’ll be able to build your own, stronger ladder
straight to the next level up, and climb it, unhindered, in no time.




Scorpio
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)



My dad sent
me a huge tin of butter cookies for Christmas that have proceeded to haunt and
tempt me for the past month. You’re facing a similar lure: You know what’s
in front of you is no good for you, in the long or short-term, yet it’s
so delicious and so available, it’s almost impossible to say no. Believe
me, I know. I’ve eaten half the tin by myself, and butter cookies are crap
compared to what’s being presented to you on a silver platter. My only
advice: Do the equivalent of stuffing yourself so full of broccoli that you
couldn’t eat another bite, not even of a delicious, buttery cookie.




Sagittarius
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)



If you found
maggots in your pudding, a fingernail in your salad or cockroaches in the spaghetti
sauce, it might very well kill your taste for those things forever, or at least
a very long time. So I can understand why you’d be turned off to romance,
after the distasteful things you’ve had to bite into and swallow. But please
remember to not get too stuck on your past. Pudding, salad or sauce made by
a new cook is much less likely to be infested with unwanted ingredients. Don’t
let your new connection be plagued by the same impurities as the one you just
flushed. Cleanse your emotional palate and chow down.




Capricorn
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)



You are
an ouroboros, a snake eating its own tail. That is, you’ve been devouring
yourself slowly, just to keep going. But that self-destructive, if fascinating,
behavior, is about to change, because new prey will soon present itself. Don’t
go getting all predatory and mean, though; this new source of nourishment isn’t
something you need to stalk and consume whole. S/he’s more like a fruit
tree, giving you constantly replenishing pieces of himself or herself, without
harm (karmic or otherwise) coming to either of you. It’s such a win-win
(s/he wants to give you "fruit" just as much as you want to eat it),
I’m quite envious.




caeriel@yahoo.com


This week’s horoscope.

Written by None - Do not Delete on . Posted in Posts.



You have
tremendous respect for your elders. You’ve long been impressed with the
virtue of wisdom born of experience. You have trouble being rude to anyone with
white hair. Unfortunately, although your attitude is pretty laudable 90 percent
of the time, there is that contingent of old people for whom experience has
only brought bitterness, not wisdom. They turn into crotchety old hags and geezers
and don’t necessarily deserve the reverence you’d normally give them.
Don’t go around knocking over cranky old ladies or beating up the cantankerous
curmudgeon shaking his fist at you, though. Just make sure people really deserve
your respect before you give it to them.




Aquarius
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)



Don’t
let yourself become obsessed with a vendetta. That’s the wrong path to
pursue. Yeah, the shit you’ve had to deal with lately probably deserves
some vengeance, but you’re not exactly in a position to coolly dish it
out. Instead of making things escalate, back off. Chill out, and forgive. If
anyone’s capable of this saintly behavior, it’s you. I can’t
give you any reason that you’d find compelling in this moment except this:
Six months from now, you’ll sorely regret any of the shit you perpetrated
in the name of revenge, and be sincerely glad for all the shit you didn’t.




Pisces
(Feb. 19-March 20)



Life is
timing. This can happen on a small scale–like which bus you catch–or
on a grand scale, like what year you were born; that can really screw
you. For example, lusting after your 19-year-old neighbor is totally fine when
you’re 16, but a little more problematic when you’re 46. See what
I’m getting at here? There’s some shit on your plate that you can
do something about, and some that you just have to let go of. It’s actually
obvious which is which, if you take a step back from your emotions: Go get the
plastic surgery so you look 10 years younger. But forget the teenager regardless.




Aries
(March 21-April 19)



You’re
spoiled. We all are. We live in a time when virtually any kind of food is available
at any time of year, when the least of us lives mostly better than royalty a
few centuries ago. I like to periodically remind you (and myself) of this basic
fact, so we don’t get too caught up in feeling sorry for our essentially
minor dramas. If the average human lifespan were still 35, most of us wouldn’t
have time for the ridiculous "crises" we devote much of our waking
days to. This week, get down to what’s real inside the big picture, not
just the little frame surrounding your day.




Taurus
(April 20-May 20)



You feel
pretty safe. Unfortunately, the protective umbrella you’re taking refuge
under is no sturdier than a flimsy canvas awning trying to withstand a meteor
strike. That’s not to say you’re going to suffer anything as calamitous
as a comet collision. But you still might want to take steps, because your shelter
is more feeble than you think. It’s not doing you any good, so abandon
it. Your best bet is dodging the meteor; walk out from under your essentially
useless umbrella so you can actually look up, see it coming and get out of its
fucking way.




Gemini
(May 21-June 20)



Don’t
confuse intense sexual attraction with true love. They are two separate things–and
while it’s amazing when they overlap, which they often do, that’s
not necessarily the case here. Amazing physical chemistry is incredible fun,
and by all means enjoy it and throw yourself into it. But at the same time,
when you have a spare moment, reserve the coolest part of your brain to look
at who you guys are out of bed. Forming a partnership of any kind based on something
as changeable and fluid as animal passion is foolhardy at best and downright
stupid at worst.




Cancer
(June 21-July 22)



Last night,
my neighbor was hammering something at 4 in the morning. I can’t understand
how anyone living in a city, with people above, below, and on either side of
them, can feel okay about doing something that loud and invasive at such an
absurd hour. Yet that kind of self-involved oblivious attitude is not so different
from the one you’ve been trying on for size this past week. It may not
be quite as inconsiderate or obviously rude as doing construction work in the
wee hours, but it’s still being unmindful of the various emotional trips
that might be going on around you. Since giving them some airtime could mean
a better audience for your inner drama, you might want to consider it.




Leo (July
23-Aug. 22)



There’s
more than one way to skin a cat. Just keep that in mind this week–because
you’re the cat that’s in danger of being stripped of most of your
protective outer layers. Those wily hunters aren’t likely to try the most
straightforward and traditional methods of taking you down; they’re more
surreptitious and subtle than that. So be on guard. Going down at the hands
of these assholes is by no means a sure thing–before I told you, it was
only 50/50; now that you know, you’re much more likely to walk away with
a few scalps instead. And if you do happen to get figuratively skinned, don’t
freak out about that. Your ego has more regenerative capacity than Wolverine.




Virgo
(Aug. 23-Sept. 22)



I’ve
been bouncing back and forth between writing, running errands, playing with
my dog and half a dozen other necessary tasks. It feels a lot like being a Virgo,
actually, and part of me sees the joy of having this many balls in the air and
being skilled enough not to drop a single one. Damn, you’re sexy. Unfortunately,
most people don’t have enough of an awareness of what it takes to live
a life like yours, so they only see a harried, decent person, with no free time,
and hardly any of your inherent hotness. If they could walk a day in your shoes,
they’d get it. But since that’s not possible, seize the one or two
opportunities you’ll get this week to show, not tell, exactly how badass
and capable you are.




Libra
(Sept. 23-Oct. 22)



People suck,
don’t they? Which makes your recurring and powerful craving for partnership
with one of them all the more galling and frustrating for you. Your desire isn’t
wrong or anything–although you should certainly keep it from eclipsing
personal development and spiritual progress–but it is self-defeating. Your
eminent availability makes you, in an ironic, fucked-up way, less of a desirable
candidate, because unattainability is a sickly compelling aphrodisiac. You shouldn’t
start playing games to hide your true desires, however. Just slow them down.
Try this: Progress any relationship at half the speed you’d wish. Wouldn’t
you prefer to get to where you’re going, even if it takes twice as long
as you’d like, rather than not get there at all?




Scorpio
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)



Don’t
start burning the furniture for heat just yet. You may feel inspired to take
desperate measures to meet the apparently desperate need you’re feeling.
But things aren’t as dire as you think or as they seem. Just wait a few
days; in retrospect, you’ll be able to see it was your uncertainty that
was killing you (or seeming to), not your circumstances. Practice patience and
listen hard. Once you’re armed with a little more knowledge, your soul
will be in substantially less anxiety or pain, and your butt will thank you
for not destroying the couch.




Sagittarius
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)



Unplug.
You’ve had your soul charging from the same outlet for long enough. Your
batteries are now at 100 percent. Staying here longer will only waste your time
and best opportunities to attain your current lofty aspirations. By "here,"
I mean this mental and/or physical junction, where you’re poised to make
a big leap of faith in yourself. You’ve been rightfully building up your
strength, like a video- game character fortifying his life meter before tackling
a difficult level. But now you’ve got all the skills, the fortitude and
the desire to conquer not only this level, but the whole game. Go for it. You
can worry about what game you’ll play next when you’re done with this
one.




Caeriel@yahoo.com


This week’s horoscope.

Written by None - Do not Delete on . Posted in Posts.



Your heart
is in need of the kind of wakeup call your mouth gets when you bite into something
tart first thing in the morning. It should leave you tingling around the edges,
cringing pleasantly from the intensity of the flavor and nourishing you with
deliciousness. Luckily, this kind of morsel is in reach of your tongue right
this second. I can’t believe you haven’t noticed, or if you have,
you’ve turned up your nose in anticipatory distaste. Fuck that shit. It’s
been a while since you tried something new, and here’s something you might
actually like–a lot. So open your mouth, stick out your tongue, and lick.




Aquarius
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)



Learn from
Leos. They’re your astrological opposites, but you’re not as different
as you think; you’re both affable, social and maintain large groups of
friends and acquaintances (but allow only a select few to get close). In fact,
the only significant difference between you is not methodology but motivation.
In other words, you both do similar things, but while their actions are driven
by emotion and the inertia of enthusiasm, yours are prompted by the urgings
of your overactive mind and the restless stirrings of imagination and inspiration.
In other words, while they could benefit from your logic, reason and cool-handed
touch, you could learn a lot (and go a lot further, too) with a hearty, turkey-baster-sized
injection of their passion.




Pisces
(Feb. 19-March 20)



Pull up!
Pull up! Just grab that stick and haul back, because the plane you’re on
is going to nosedive and crash otherwise. A few months ago, that prospect wouldn’t
have fazed you, but now that you’ve achieved some impressive height and
even spent time at cruising altitude, it’d be a shame not only to have
to start all the way back at sea level, but to have to rebuild the plane first.
Turbulence and minor dips along the way are to be expected on a journey like
yours, but there’s no reason to lower the wheels just yet.




Aries
(March 21-April 19)



You don’t
need to tame your body. It’s not your enemy. Don’t be afraid of the
various smells and substances it produces; they’re just part of being human.
One of the shittiest things about being members of Western culture is that we
develop ideals about our bodies that are unrealistic, regarding how pleasantly
scented and perfectly shaped they ought to be. In actuality, while there’s
no dearth of people who want to sleep with models (thanks to very effective
cultural programming), there are also millions who are going to get off on your
bigger booty, smaller dick or stumpy ankles. Since you’re more liable to
meet and get along with one of these folks this week, own what you got. Be proud.




Taurus
(April 20-May 20)



I didn’t
bother counseling you to construct elaborate vows for this year’s New Year’s
resolution because you simply haven’t needed anything as arbitrary as a
cliched holiday to make decisions for yourself and your life this past year.
You’ve been remarkably self-motivated, as well as self-scheduling. Maybe
I was wrong, because this past week you’ve slowed down, perhaps burdened
with too much holiday weight. I can’t help believing that you were the
only one in charge of all your butt-kicking this past year, so why start off
the new one with a less effective M.O.? Having said that, I will add: It may
be time to give yourself another motivating slap on the ass.



Gemini
(May 21-June 20)



I’ve
had whole series of celebrity dreams lately, mostly focusing on C- or D-list
celebs whom I couldn’t give two shits about. Still, it reflects the widening
focus of my waking life: I’m trying consistently to consider things and
people outside my usual realm of experience and my modest social circle. Can
you please do that too, Gemini? I’m worried that you’ve become too
ensconced and involved in your own limited little world, too carried away by
the minor soap opera dramas of your office or household. The solution, of course,
is a trip–either mental or physical–to a distant, eminently different
location. Dream it or live it; it really doesn’t matter. Just get out of
the neighborhood for a while and meet some new people.




Cancer
(June 21-July 22)



You’ve
been taking things one step too far lately. You managed to get over the hurdle
of figuring out what exactly it is that you want, no problem. But then instead
of simply asking for it clearly, you bite your tongue and start analyzing the
best way to ask for it, the one most likely to get results. Unfortunately, your
process, by its very nature, outwits and invalidates itself. In other words,
you’re overthinking things, and it shows. No one wants to be manipulated,
and when they can tell that’s what’s up, it inevitably backfires.
This week, be as direct and forthright as possible–I suspect you’ll
be pleased with your results.




Leo (July
23-Aug. 22)



Just as
a migratory bird returns to the same spots each year, its route based on memorized
landmarks it learned from its predecessors, you’ve been a creature of habit
on a grand scale. That is, you’ve revisited identical mental locations,
in the same order, for years now. The hapless fowl does it because it’s
a matter of life or death, but you do it, frankly, because you’re lazy
sometimes. This week, break free of instinct or habit and venture into some
totally new territory. Who knows? You could discover a feeding ground more bountiful
than the ones you know, or pioneer a mating dance that gets all the babes.




Virgo
(Aug. 23-Sept. 22)



Do you want
to be really and truly happy? Like, ecstatic with heart-soaring delight? Tough
shit. As long as you want it, you can’t have it, at least not this week,
or even this season. Right now, if I were you, I’d settle for adjectives
like serene and content. The kind of bliss you’re craving has to sneak
up on you right now, and it’ll never catch you unless you just stop looking
for it. So settle down. Sometimes it’s appropriate to hunt down joy, but
not right now. Hey, don’t freak; this is really a good thing–all you
have to do to find your bliss is to slow down and chill out long enough for
it to catch up with you.




Libra
(Sept. 23-Oct. 22)



I don’t
remember getting this scar. It happened during a drunken episode; I woke up
the next morning with a scratch on my forearm and no recollection of how I acquired
it. Like me, you’ve been contemplating scar tissue you’re not sure
how you got; only yours is emotional rather than physical. My scar is so small
it doesn’t do anything to inhibit my movement or make me feel ugly, but
yours is taking up slightly more space. This is a good week for the kind of
spiritual plastic surgery that can erase some or all of the damage. Watch out
for your chance; it’ll come in the guise of a revered older person who’s
suffered something similar.




Scorpio
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21



This week
you get to play one of your favorite roles: sommelier of vice. You may know
pot, sake or sex better than you know wine; regardless of your field of expertise,
someone is dying to consult you and learn from your experience. Teach them,
Obi-Wan. The best part about having an apprentice in your favorite realm of
iniquity is that you can have a lot of fun with your lessons–and there’s
the very good possibility that at some point very soon, the student will become
the teacher, and that’s always a good time.




Sagittarius
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)



Holy fuck,
you’re wound tight these days. Loosen some of the strings on your instrument;
they’ve all gone sharp. Take a break from those you’ve been playing
with and retreat somewhere quiet for a while so you can reflect and retune.
It doesn’t matter that the instrument you’re playing is your heart
and soul, not a violin or stand-up bass. It can warp and be ruined by abuse
just the same. Take your time. There’s plenty of beautiful music to be
made, but unless you deal with all this unresolved or unaddressed tension, it’s
going to sound like shit.




Caeriel@yahoo.com


This week’s horoscope.

Written by None - Do not Delete on . Posted in Posts.



All your
minor aches and pains (or maybe one big hurt) have been eclipsing your potential
enjoyment of life lately, but I’m happy to say that certain astrological
influences are kicking in like a prescription painkiller this week, to at least
give you the freedom to move without any twinges from emotional arthritis. So
rise up out of that wheelchair, throw away those crutches and make your ancient
soul boogie like you’re 16 again. If you do it with enough enthusiasm and
commitment, you probably won’t need crutches of any kind once the astrological
anesthetic wears off.




Aquarius
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)



Okay, so
only a few of the kindnesses you’ve been offered lately were free and clear
of strings. So what? Sometimes accepting a favor incurs an obligation. Don’t
sorely resent the conditions applied to the beneficence bequeathed upon you.
It’s still generous and kind, even if ulterior motives lurk behind it.
Hardly anything’s unconditional. You know what’s wrong with you? You’ve
been spoiled by all the sweet munificence you were the recipient of last year,
all unsullied by anything so tedious or rude as an expectation. Now it’s
back to the way things are a lot of the time, and it’s not so bad: You
give a little, you get a little.




Pisces
(Feb. 19-March 20)



There’s
plenty of change jingling in your pocket, but your billfold is painfully slim
these days. That is, you’re heavily laden with tiny, almost meaningless
blessings, but the big ones are coming few and far between. It might be time
to tighten your belt and take pleasure in the little things for the next month
or so. But there’s no need to plunge into a Great Depression. You may not
currently be lucky enough to find a $1000 bill on the street, but I’m guessing
that if you add up all the small change you’ve accumulated, it might equal
at least a few hundred.




Aries
(March 21-April 19)



I hate to
say it, but your happiness may depend on how well you can kiss ass this week.
Consider your options: You can sacrifice a little pride, pursue the admittedly
political path and play nice–this route is short, sweet and straight up
to something you could call success. The other, perhaps more principled and
definitely more ego-driven course is long and arduous, and not nearly a sure
thing. I won’t choose for you. Each direction has positive and negative
facets. All I will say is: If you’re undecided about which of these options
is the better one for you, make up your mind now, because the fork in the road
is just ahead.




Taurus
(April 20-May 20)



You think
it’s wise to wash your hands often and cover your mouth when you sneeze,
to help prevent spreading the flu. So why do you balk at taking similar precautions
when it comes to protecting yourself and others from bad ideas? You know what
I’m talking about. There are some concepts, attitude or spiritual philosophies
that are likely to make you unhappy, unproductive and miserable, rather than
benefit you in any way. They’re like little mental viruses; they sneak
in and sabotage your relationships, your work ethic or your faith. Sure, you’re
probably robust enough to get over them, but why catch them in the first place?




Gemini
(May 21-June 20)



Big changes
are coming. In order to prepare for them, pretend you have a new roommate moving
in. Clear out some space in the kitchen cabinets, a shelf in the fridge and
a handful of hangers in the hall closet. Literally do this. The exercise of
making room, however slight, for another person, will have several benefits:
First of all, you can earn karmic credit by getting rid of some old crap and
donating it to Goodwill. Secondly, your whole life will wind up more organized
and streamlined. Last and most important, the process of making physical space
in your house will help you find an extra room, or at least a niche, in your
heart and soul for another person or two to move in, finally.




Cancer
(June 21-July 22)



You’re
in for a hypersaturated week. This is what happens when you allow yourself to
wake up and stop worrying for a while. Everything gets really colorful and vivid
and intense, and you don’t even have to take drugs. Enjoy your Technicolor
life, and quit, once and for all, letting anxiety dominate every second of your
day. It’s still going to be part of you; but let this week be about staking
out some worry-free territory. I’m talking specifically about laying claim
to your happiness, and just enjoying it when it hits, rather than worrying about
when it will go away. There are many reasons why this is a good idea, but the
best one is simply this: You deserve to be unreservedly happy. Stop stopping
yourself.




Leo (July
23-Aug. 22)



Because
you’re contending with your most compulsive urges (hey, relax; in this
department half the zodiac is worse than you), I urge you to force yourself
to focus on things that are good for you, like salad, long walks, reading, or
gift-giving. Take them (instead of heroin abuse, binging on butter cookies or
one too many jack and cokes) to the extremes you’re prone to lately. While
too much of a good thing can be bad, too, it’s still rarely as awful as
too much of a bad thing. For example, compulsive generosity may make you broke,
but probably really, really happy, too.




Virgo
(Aug. 23-Sept. 22)



Now that
you’ve unburdened your little rowboat of all its heaviest and most irksome
duties, you’re bobbing happily toward shore. I have a confession: You probably
weren’t as close to sinking as you probably felt. I just wanted you to
ditch some of the shit that’s dragging you down. Sorry, but I knew you’d
have a hard time being angry with me, considering how much better you feel now,
as a result. Now that you actually have a little room to take on new passengers
or cargo, may I suggest you avoid crap like the dross you dealt with last month,
and only take on people and things that will be unequivocally fun?




Libra
(Sept. 23-Oct. 22)



A little
goes a long way this week. Changing the knobs on an old dresser or adding a
stunning accessory to an otherwise mundane outfit can transform its whole look.
You’ve been bored for a while; with your appearance, your attitude, your
friends, your job or your house–whatever it is, fix it up this week. Since
the tiniest amount of time, effort or cash can wreak huge changes and massive
enhancements, there’s no good reason not to do it. So get off your lazy,
overstuffed ass. By the time you sit down, an hour or two later, you’ll
be tremendously glad you did.




Scorpio
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)



More often
than not, relationships seem to be more about the other person than about you.
I’ll use an extreme example to explain what I mean: Leos, at least initially,
are much more likely to love how you make them feel about themselves than anything
in particular about you. People are excited about what you evoke in them, what
parts of themselves achieve expression around you, and basically who they are
when they’re with you. So don’t get all down on yourself if you get
rejected. They’re really just rejecting the self that came out to meet
you.




Sagittarius
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)



Imagine
if you still had to trek to an outhouse to shit, even in the dead of winter,
in a blizzard. That’s something like the task ahead of you; you may have
to brave extremely harsh conditions you couldn’t possibly be used to, in
order to accomplish a necessary task. That’s the crappy bad news, but hopefully
the good news will help balance it out: Once you’ve bundled yourself in
warm layers and hazarded the cruel extremes you’ve been dreading, you’ll
find that someone has replaced your homely and modest outhouse with a stunning
spa, featuring heated tiles, gold-plated commodes and bevies of beautiful butt-wipers.
In other words, prepare for the worst, but once you’ve endured the nastiest
of it, things will probably be a lot better than you expected.




Caeriel@yahoo.com


This week’s horoscope.

Written by None - Do not Delete on . Posted in Posts.



A couple
of near misses could have you on high alert this week–but should you be?
After all, those close calls were with an event or person you can’t be
sure would be definitely bad (or good) for you. Be bold. The next time it whizzes
toward you, step into the path of that particular karmic bullet. Trust your
ability to turn most situations to your advantage, education and eventual advancement.
Yes, it’s still a kind of Russian Roulette, but your chances are excellent–nine
times out of 10, you’ll end up happier and better off. You’re just
that good.




Capricorn
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)



Ask for
what you want this week. This is a habit you’ve been cultivating in general,
and hopefully you’ve found that if you clearly articulate your dearest
desires, you’re much more likely to get them. This week, particularly focus
on your most important unmet need–this isn’t necessarily the most
pressing one, just the one that matters the most in the long run. Then figure
out what would satisfy it, and just flat-out request it, in simply the most
lucid and honest words possible, even if it means taking out a personals ad,
making a phone call to a neglected rich uncle, or confronting your boss.




Aquarius
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)



Reprogram
yourself. Don’t assume you’ve been immune to the kind of programming
imparted to you by your parents, peers and society. Don’t worry; this won’t
require that you listen to smarmy self-help tapes, subscribe to ridiculous cultish
philosophies or do anything else you’re naturally averse to. Simply acknowledge
the new habit you’d like to acquire or the old one you’d like to lose,
then diligently practice that wish, whether it’s eating less junk food,
going to the gym more often, or ditching your tobacco habit once and for all.
If you start it this week, you have a better chance of your new way of life
actually taking root and sticking with you than if you try it during any other
week all winter.




Pisces
(Feb. 19-March 20)



Be a glutton
for perspective. Seek out high places and other vantage points where you can
see for long distances, catch glimpses of big pictures and just generally view
your life through a wider lens than you have in half a year or more. Don’t
miss this window; if you achieve the whole-life panorama I’m wishing for
you, it’s yours to refer to for months to come. If you don’t take
the time to check it out now, you may not be able to find it again for the next
month and a half, and you’ll also be missing out on all the good shit you
could do with your expanded viewpoint during those six weeks.




Aries
(March 21-April 19)



Rams start
life with so much flash and pizzazz, it becomes your daily challenge to outdo
yourself–until at some point you cross a line of karmic progression toward
your astrological neighbors, the Taureans, where you understand the beauty of
the spotlight, of presentation, but it’s no longer the be-all, end-all
of your existence. From then on you devote your life to quality, not just glory.
Jump the gun and hop forward a few steps in your own evolution this week. You’ll
have several opportunities to choose momentary stardom over working for subtler,
long-lasting achievements this week. Please let them slide on by.



Taurus
(April 20-May 20)



Style matters
to you Taureans. Sometimes, how you do something is almost as important as what
you do. If you can’t manage your goal with a little flair, you occasionally
question whether or not to do it at all. Unfortunately, your panache levels
are quite low this week, while your ability to get things done is at a three-month
high. Don’t waste it because your efforts may lack a little luster. They’re
still worthwhile, even if they don’t seem thrilling and glorious. Besides,
the people whose opinions you care the most about are more impressed by a solid,
consistent record of accomplishment than they are about a few singular moments
of brilliance.




Gemini
(May 21-June 20)



You’re
in a game of dodgeball I wish you’d lose. You’ve been playing for
a couple years now, and you’ve gotten so wily and agile that I despair
that you’ll never encounter a player good enough to knock you on your ass
and give you what you so desperately need. On the one hand, when you finally
do get a stinging slap in the face from an over-inflated emotional kickball,
you’ll know you’ve finally met your match, for good or ill. On the
other, the person with whom you’re exchanging volleys now could one day
be your match (even if they’re not now), if you’d just ease up long
enough for them to catch up. This week, try that.




Cancer
(June 21-July 22)



Fuck your
feelings. I mean, by now you’ve gotten pretty good at harnessing their
impressive force and letting them mostly function as strength, not handicap.
They no longer justify quite the intensive focus you’ve lately devoted
to them. So shift your attention away from the less-pressing needs of your soul,
so you can actually notice the lucrative opportunities brought within reach
by the Capricorn New Moon, out in the concrete world. You should have at least
five chances this week to tangibly improve your lot in life. Bonus points go
to any Cancer who catches and takes advantage of them all.




Leo (July
23-Aug. 22)



Leos are
spenders. Whether it’s cash, political capital or karmic currency, our
tribe tends to exploit it lavishly, living like royalty (and helping our friends
do the same; it’s no fun being decadent alone), until it’s all gone,
at which point we’re also quite good at hunkering down and living frugally
until the next windfall or paycheck comes our way. However, I ask that you curb
your natural (and in many ways admirable) instincts this week, because by saving
just a little bit of whatever comes your way, you’ll have much greater
opportunities to spend it on far better things in the weeks to come, both for
yourself and your chosen family.




Virgo
(Aug. 23-Sept. 22)



Go sledding,
if possible, or skydiving, or snowboarding, or anything along those lines. Your
tendency to plan everything is great, and has earned you a rep as an eminently
capable person. But it’s good to remind yourself periodically of the joys
of tumbling wildly out of control, even if only for a few minutes. It’s
good to let that feeling sink into your body and influence the way you live
your life the rest of the time. So go do it; don’t just nod and say, "He’s
right, I ought to remember that." Let the experience sink into your bones
and then radiate outwards. You won’t lose your ability to plan efficiently
or get shit done. But you are likely to loosen your grip a little, be less anxious
and have way, way more fun.




Libra
(Sept. 23-Oct. 22)



There’s
a relationship in your life that’s a little bit like caramel: so sweet
it’s sticking to your teeth and giving you cavities. I’m not saying
it’s bad for you, per se, but there could be ways to eliminate some of
its unhealthier aspects without losing any of its deliciousness, sort of like
diligently brushing your teeth immediately after eating sticky candy, so it
wreaks as little havoc on your enamel as possible. Take those precautions this
week. It’s a win-win: You’ll see a much better way to get along, and
neither of you is likely to burn out or overdose for a long, long time.




Scorpio
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)



There’s
a difference between knowledgeable wrongdoing and an unconscious mistake. Errors
in judgment far worse than anything you’re capable of are generally more
excusable because they’re done without the awareness of what’s so
bad about them. Unfortunately, you can pretend no such naivete. Keep everything
strictly on the up-and-up this week, lest you get called out for being less
scrupulous or honorable than you really are. That’s exactly the opposite
of the kind of attention you need. Instead, lead by example, and just show off
what you have in spades besides cleverness: integrity.




Caeriel@yahoo.com


This week’s horoscope.

Written by None - Do not Delete on . Posted in Posts.



Appreciate
what you’ve got. Quit whining and griping about what’s missing from
your big picture, and show all those surprisingly generous people who’ve
been devoting their time and energy to trying to make you happy, supported and
well taken care of, that you’ve actually noticed their munificence. They’re
due a little thankfulness, not crankiness. If you don’t spill a little
gratitude, you may end up having the tables turned, and be on your knees instead
of the pedestal you’ve enjoyed of late. In other words, if you bite the
hand that feeds you this week, chances are you’ll end up licking the boot
that kicks you.




Capricorn
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)



Don’t
talk shit. The temptation is powerful, given that you’ve just discovered
how often you’ll receive the benefit of the doubt, because of all the time
you’ve put in being reliable and trustworthy. Considering the great prizes
to be won through your bluffing and trash talk, I can see how it’d be hard
to resist. Please, Cap, for your own karmic sake, defy those temptations and
maintain instead your sterling rep. Hopefully, you simply won’t be as enticed
by that bad behavior when I tell you this: Once you’re caught in a lie
(something that almost inevitably will happen), most of the offers will be retracted,
and repayment of every single dollar will be required. Is that in any way worth
the loss of your dignity and integrity?




Aquarius
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)



Your sarcasm
may get the better of you this week, if you’re not careful. You’re
likely to encounter a surfeit of overly earnest folks who are easily offended
by your occasionally biting wit, even if only the lightest, most playful nip
was intended. So what? You don’t need them. But you also don’t need
them to be offended, especially since your intention was to make them laugh.
So choke back your edgiest humor for a week, and spare some tender egos a little
bruising. Or don’t, and shrug when the thin-skinned ninnies run screaming.
It’s all the same to me.




Pisces
(Feb. 19-March 20)



Phew. The
aggressive and overcharged influence of Mars is finally about to leave your
sign. That planet has made you hurtle in lunatic directions, willy-nilly, just
to rid yourself of all that extra energy. And as you know all too well, that
random scampering and scuffling has gotten you into trouble more often than
not. So the astrological news is mixed: On the one hand, once you’re completely
rid of that hyper-aggro stimulus, you’ll probably have less energy; on
the other, you’ll possess more time and peace, things you need plenty of,
in order to climb out of the deep holes you dug and fell into over the past
couple months.




Aries
(March 21-April 19)



Those tender
Pisceans had trouble coping, at times, with the chaotic fire lit under their
asses by your fierce ruling planet, Mars. But once it slips into the realm of
your sign (next week) you won’t have any problem taming and integrating
the corresponding surplus of energy into your life. You’re on a good path
right now, so I have faith that even if you speed up, you won’t careen
wildly off-course, but will just make good time in the right direction. Just
to be safe, take this last week, before your gas tank gets filled to the brim
with high-octane fuel, to make sure your maps are in order and you’re sure
of the route to where you’re headed. Then relax and wait for the astrological
moment when you’ll gleefully, without any trepidation, declare, "Full
speed ahead!"



Taurus
(April 20-May 20)



I spent
the week taking care of nagging little things I hadn’t done. These were
all easy tasks that had a disproportionate effect on my daily quality of life.
In other words, I should have assigned them a much higher priority, given how
simple they were and how much better they made things. I was so relieved and
surprised about the amazing effort-to-effect ratio that I thought I’d share
it with the sign most in need of that tiny kick in the ass. According to my
astrological calculations, that’s you, Taurus. Get out the list, and replace
the light bulbs, oil the hinges, and sew the missing buttons you’ve been
neglecting. You’ll be glad you did.




Gemini
(May 21-June 20)



A Gemini
friend asked me how people would react if I made predictions like, "Don’t
go out today or a piano will fall on your head." I told him most of them
would scoff and do just as they pleased, and the few who couldn’t see through
the inanity of that kind of prophecy were probably better off staying in anyway.
None of those idiots would fall under your sign, thankfully. Geminis are by
their very nature too crafty to be beguiled by blanket statements and self-important
decrees. Wield your healthy skepticism wisely and often this week, Gem, because
it won’t steer you wrong.




Cancer
(June 21-July 22)



Margaret
Lee Runbeck wrote: "Happiness is not a station you arrive at, but a manner
of traveling." Consider her well-chosen words often this week and during
the next few months, until they’ve completely eclipsed and replaced your
current bitter-making mantra: "I’ll be happy when…" Shit
goes down, manna falls from heaven, but unless you can navigate it all with
more or less the same disposition, you’re screwed and strapped into an
entirely unpleasant roller coaster I suspect you wanted off of 10 years ago.
Cut free of the bullshit that’s holding you in and get off the damn coaster.
Life’s exciting enough without it.




Leo (July
23-Aug. 22)



Staying
on top of the latest trend doesn’t interest you, generally. True, virtually
every Leo has a phase (sometimes as short as a week or two, sometimes as long
as a decade) where that’s important to them, but generally being au courant
isn’t that high on your priority list. However, being stylish is a desire
that never fades from the proud lion’s list of wishes. Thus you naturally
tend to gravitate towards looks and attitudes that are best categorized as classic,
timeless, and eternal. While none of them is really those things, it doesn’t
matter. For all intents and purposes, old-school cool suits and serves you better
than nouveau anything ever could, especially this week.




Virgo
(Aug. 23-Sept. 22)



You could
use a good deep-tissue massage. If you can spare the dough, treat yourself to
just that, and if you’re too poor to splurge, at least call in one of the
many favors you’re perpetually owed and get one of your best-qualified
friends to give you the knead you need. I’m concerned because you’ve
let a few old attitudes and ideas stagnate and crystallize inside you, manifesting
as stiff and inflexible muscles (both mental and physical), slowing all forward
progress significantly. As you know, these things are intricately interwoven.
Thus, loosen the muscles, and you’re much more likely to shake free of
those limiting concepts as well.




Libra
(Sept. 23-Oct. 22)



What do
you want to do today? What about tomorrow, next week, and next year? If you’ve
got it all planned out, you’re fucked. It’s good to have goals and
general directions in which to head. But if you tailor your future and try to
control or conceive of every detail, you’re really just screwing yourself
over. Why? Because the best things that are going to happen to you in the next
year are those things you didn’t plan for–provided you allow
them enough room to enter your life. These are things you encountered along
the way to where you thought you wanted to go, but could never have expected.
Keep moving. But keep an eye on the scenery along the way.




Scorpio
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)



You didn’t
even know they were doing construction on your soul’s main avenue. But
when they finally open up all the lanes this week, you’ll notice what you
didn’t before–that movement through there has been awfully sluggish
and congested. Happily, you’ve got all lanes in both directions fully functional,
at least this week, and although they may have to shut down parts of your spiritual
highway for maintenance in the weeks and months to come, it’s not soon
likely to be the jammed two-lane highway it has been for months just past.




Caeriel@yahoo.com


This week’s horoscope.

Written by None - Do not Delete on . Posted in Posts.



Kisses have
tremendous power in fairy tales; they’re useful for waking sleeping beauties,
poisoning lovers, turning frogs into princes, or invoking powerful magicks,
both benign and nefarious. All that’s the stuff of glamorous myth, right?
Wrong, at least lately: There’s something of that enigmatic enchantment
in your very own lips this week, if you’ll but use it. Be careful what
you waste your mysterious magnetism on, though. It may be a one-shot deal, and
if you blow it on a doughnut instead of the person you want to marry, you’ll
be kicking yourself for a hundred years.




Capricorn
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)



At the moment,
you’re like Marmite, that obnoxious yeast by-product that most Brits treasure
and no one else can tolerate. You’re the delicious flavor cherished by
those for whom it’s familiar but sort of revolting for those who’ve
never tried it before. Don’t take offense. Those who love you are pleased
that no one else knows how amazing you are; that way they don’t have to
share you. And those that don’t yet know how magnificent you are may regard
you as something of an acquired taste they’d like to acquire. Besides,
what you’re about changes over time. You may be Marmite this week, but
chocolate next week–and hardly anybody doesn’t like chocolate.




Aquarius
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)



This is
a week of white lies. You’ll find yourself pressured to tell them, often,
in order to shield those you love from truths they’re better off not knowing,
or at least not knowing from you. Hey, I’m not here to judge you; the vast
majority of the time you really do have others’ best interests at heart.
I’m just worried about the slim minority of the time, when the untruths
you speak are actually calculated to protect you, not anyone else. Call yourself
on these gray fibs, because when you get caught in them (as you almost surely
will), you won’t receive forgiveness (so easily attainable for those other
well-meaning falsehoods) so much as payback.




Pisces
(Feb. 19-March 20)



Scientists
believe they may have just discovered a variety of baleen whale they’d
never before knowingly encountered. To be several years into the 21st century
and still uncovering a species as big as a whale is a telling indication of
how little we yet know. Remember this: Anyone who’s got it all figured
out–and you’ll be encountering a lot of these assholes this week–doesn’t
know jack shit, and isn’t even smart enough to realize that. What you don’t
know yet is as big as the ocean, at least, and there are some pretty wondrous
and humongous things swimming around in there; I personally can’t wait
until you discover one or two of them, sometime in the next month or two.




Aries
(March 21-April 19)



Don Eastep
entered a Texas chili cook-off contest–with no chili. Instead of preparing
his own, he snuck spoonfuls from the 80 other contestants’ pots, and submitted
the resulting melange as his own unique recipe. He won. Although it pissed a
lot of people off in that case, it’s still a tactic I recommend for you
right now. Borrow essential and coveted qualities from all your nearest and
dearest, so you can meet the great demands of this week. Armed with your compadres’
best facets, you’ll be more than a match for whatever challenges you encounter;
you’ll win the prize, too.




Taurus
(April 20-May 20)



You’re
cushiony. I’m not so much referring to your figure as your vibe. Lately,
many people have been using you (mostly with your consent, and even encouragement)
as a buffer between themselves and the world’s sharp or hard places. You’re
good like that, and you’re certainly strong enough to shield some of your
less resilient friends from those harsh realities, at least some of the time.
But don’t let them use up all of your bounce, or the next time you take
a mild fall (looks like January sometime), it’ll hurt way more than it
should.




Gemini
(May 21-June 20)



I was watching
a comedic skit on an old Mr. Show in which everyone’s inner voices
were characterized by an old lady, a biker, a Japanese businessman and a gay
guy. This made me think of you, and how much you need to reject the paradigm
of twinhood, especially if you think of yourself as split between your best
and worst impulses. The truth is, of course, infinitely more complex, and to
know yourself that completely would take all the fun out of it. Still, it’s
time for you to adopt a new model, in which your various (often contradictory)
urges could have voices you listen to (or ignore) without being forced to fit
into boxes like Good or Bad.




Cancer
(June 21-July 22)



You’ve
got too many keys on your ring. You’ve locked and unlocked so many hearts
that at this point, you’re practically a janitor of the soul. Although
it fills you with a certain satisfaction to walk around jangling that giant
loop of glittering keys, fondly recalling all the times you’ve used them,
and what you used them for, please notice that your behavior is preventing any
new keys from being added to the collection. It’s time to throw a few away
that you no longer need or no longer dare use, to make room for a tantalizing
handful more. If I haven’t been obvious enough: Stop clinging to the past
so you can finally unlock the future.




Leo (July
23-Aug. 22)



Despite
their reputation for often being actors, most Leos actually have a really hard
time pretending to be anything they’re not. You’re so busy being yourselves
(amazingly, I might add) that it’s difficult for you to disguise or suppress
that–and what’s the point? Well, there is a point to it this week,
believe it or not. By this time in your life you’ve realized that as magnificent
as you are, you’re hardly perfect. In order to invite a teaspoon more perfection
into your life, you need to make your bowl of ingredients look a little less
full than it already is. In other words, be humble, modest, and quiet this week.
Be a wallflower for once, sweetheart. Just watch what happens. Shhhh. Just watch.




Virgo
(Aug. 23-Sept. 22)



I’ve
never seen you as close to snapping as you’ve come, on several occasions,
in the last month. I’m sorry, Virgo. I think everyone assumes that since
you’re always so pragmatic and together, that you’re somehow more
immune to those breakdown-inducing stresses we all suffer from occasionally.
We virtually expect Cancers to explode into nervous histrionics, but when a
Virgo coughs up more than a few tears, we’re too surprised to react appropriately.
Instead of leaping to your aid, we sputter and gasp in amazement, doing you
no good at all. So please forgive us, and when your rescuers swoop in, belatedly,
this week, graciously accept their support and succor–it’s better
late than never.




Libra
(Sept. 23-Oct. 22)



Plop a squat,
Libra. Pick up a magazine. Why, you ask? You tell me. From here it looks like
you’re hanging out in the waiting room of your life. I don’t know
who’s supposed to pop out of a little door and tell you it’s time
for your appointment, time to start actually living life. It’s a ridiculous
notion, but just in case that person is me, I’m covering my ass. I don’t
want to be the excuse you use to keep from fully engaging with the world. So
put down that Highlights magazine and swing open the door. It’s
time.




Scorpio
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)



More than
any other, your species has been painstakingly dissected and analyzed. I’m
sure you poor Scorpios are sick of being studied so closely; these microscopic
inquiries into your character are as annoying as they are invasive. You’ve
done admirably well at preventing yourself from stinging those who seek to scrutinize
the inscrutable, but enough is enough. It won’t help your reputation, but
it will do wonders for your peace of mind: Make an example of the next three
people who try to "figure you out." I predict they’ll be the
last trio of uninvited explorers into the uncharted territory of your sacrosanct
soul for a long, long time.




Caeriel@yahoo.com


This week’s horoscope.

Written by None - Do not Delete on . Posted in Posts.



You’re
more shadow than person right now. Instead of grasping and appreciating your
full, multidimensional complexity, people are mostly perceiving you in two stark
dimensions. There’s little you can do about that, unfortunately; you can’t
force people to look at you in exactly the way you wish. The best you can do
is cut a striking profile in silhouette and hope that it’s enough to hold
the interest of these shallow fools, until you fall into a different light and
they can see all the Technicolor dimensions of who you really are.




Capricorn
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)



What’s
this? Why, your normally reserved demeanor flies right out the window when a
certain person enters the room! You light up like a Christmas tree, darling,
all sparkly and warm–and it’s obvious to everyone who knows you except
this one sweet person (who must be amazing to elicit such an incredible burst
of radiance from your shyest depths). That person, delightfully, thinks you’re
always this lively and vivacious, so s/he has no idea what a difference s/he
makes. S/he deserves to know, already, as much as you deserve to get to shine
and embody your best brightest self all the time–something that just might
happen once you spill your secret.




Aquarius
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)



Novel-writing
is a process. As I work on mine, I’m constantly astonished at the incredible
evolution certain characters have undergone from conception to present moment.
They might as well be totally different people, they’ve diverged so completely
from how I first imagined them. But I could never have envisioned them as they
are now, without first having conceived of them as all their previous incarnations.
The lesson in all this? You can’t rush the process. As much as you’d
like to simply leap to the finish line, and to who you’ll be then, that’s
impossible. You can’t get to point F without visiting points A through
E first; therefore, enjoy each stop for what it’s worth.




Pisces
(Feb. 19-March 20)



Much of
your bad luck is preventable. You may have been the victim of some of the shit
the world throws at people–but that’s at least partially because you’ve
been making yourself such a broad target, through a range of (or perhaps just
one particularly effective bit of self-destructive behavior. Don’t be a
martyr; it’s tiresome, and ultimately not all it’s cracked up to be.
Instead, take a step outside yourself. Get the help you need, and quit your
awful, insidious (and often deviously subtle) soul-killing habits. Do it now,
because each spin around any self-destructive spiral is worse than the one before.




Aries
(March 21-April 19)



I was too
rebellious to read books I was assigned in school; I hated that they interfered
with whatever reading I was doing on my own. Consequently, I never experienced
many amazing books until years later, when I was suddenly kicking myself for
not giving Toni Morrison or Charles Dickens a chance when some wise teacher
had instructed me to. I’m just thankful that I was smart enough to eventually
expose myself to their explosive brilliance; now I feel deliciously scorched
by it. This week, you, too, are due to finally reap the benefits of taking advice
you refused years ago. You may not wish, exactly, that you’d taken it to
heart then, but you’ll be awfully glad that you took it now.




Taurus
(April 20-May 20)



You’re
an acquired taste these days. That’s not a bad thing; much of the best
food, music and people can be described that way. The bad news is that your
universal appeal has waned; you’re probably propositioned less than in
the old days. The good news more than makes up for it: The overtures you do
receive are consequently more thoughtful, serious and worthwhile. Entertain
them with an open mind and heart. Be proud, sweet Taurus. You’ve become
more yourself in less time than even I expected, and that’s never a bad
thing.




Gemini
(May 21-June 20)



Amish teens
are encouraged to venture out into the world in order to understand what they’re
giving up (like drugs, dancing, television) before they make the conscious choice
to join the church and community for life. This period is called Rumspringa.
It’s an amazing tactic; as a consequence of being allowed this freedom
and choice, Amish children have an amazingly high return rate; more than 80
percent of them, after tasting the supposed luxuries of the world their community
shuns, still decide to return and commit themselves to the simpler life in which
they were raised. Before you give up anything this week, or in the weeks to
come, make sure you’ve had your own proper Rumspringa, and drunk deeply
at the well you’ll be abstaining from. Then make your choice (or not) with
a clear conscience, knowing it couldn’t be more conscious.




Cancer
(June 21-July 22)



Eat plenty
of fruit. Here’s hoping the physical fiber you take in can help clear up
the numerous emotional blockages that are due to come your way this week. So
you don’t end up spiritually constipated, I suggest you consume plenty
of bran and comedy. Laughter is the bran of the soul; as cheesy as that is,
it’s also true. The more deeply and often you can guffaw, the less time
you’ll spend feeling numb, in shock, or paralyzed by emotional indecision.
Your theme this week is movement, whether it’s your bowels or emotions.
Do what it takes to ensure you’re regular.




Leo (July
23-Aug. 22)



Grin, you
silly beast. For the first time since the weather turned brisk, you can stop
being crestfallen and cautious, and be contented and courageous instead. While
the sun’s in the realm of your fiery Sagittarian cousins, you’re more
likely to receive the benefits of the doubt, the better halves of the bargain,
and numerous other advantages conferred on you by the kindhearted souls who
surround you. You’ve spent a month worrying your fool head off. Now that
things are bound to go a little more smoothly for you, stop that shit. Just
lay back and enjoy it, and remember: Smile.




Virgo
(Aug. 23-Sept. 22)



Back when
modern science was in its infancy (it was called "natural philosophy"
in those days), they considered mercury, or quicksilver, the stuff from which
all matter was made. They also believed that when it hardened, it turned to
gold. This week your soul, ruled by the planet Mercury, has some of the qualities
once attributed to the substance of the same name. Your ability to profoundly
identify with virtually everything you encounter could confound you, if you
don’t expect it; or you could revel in it, if you have the presence of
mind to notice what a good feeling it is. Yes, everything has its roots in you–just
as your roots are nurtured or educated by everything. Once you really, really
realize that, you might as well possess your weight in gold; you’ll be
just that rich.




Libra
(Sept. 23-Oct. 22)



Stop feeling
so trapped. I’m not sure what it is (job? relationship? family?) that’s
stifling and oppressing you, but you’re getting a bit ridiculous now. You
have more luxury and opportunity than most people in most of the rest of the
world in most of the rest of history. When you look at it that way, the lock
to the prison holding you in is obvious: your unwillingness to sacrifice some
of that luxury, comfort or safety. Get over it. The price you have to pay is
more than worth what you’ll get back. Loosen your purse strings, already,
and open your arms wide to welcome the bounty you’ll receive in return.




Scorpio
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)



You’ve
been playing Mother May I with some mysterious authority that you can’t
even see, and consequently only taking mincing little baby steps toward your
goal. I don’t know what gods or karmic forces you fear angering, and I
certainly don’t want to jinx anything for you, but this week you can take
at least one giant step forward without getting sent back to the start line.
Go ahead, enjoy that humongous leap; you’ve been such a good player so
far that this one bold move will be overlooked or forgiven. Besides, you should
know by now–it’s almost always easier to ask forgiveness than permission.




Caeriel@yahoo.com


This week’s horoscope.

Written by None - Do not Delete on . Posted in Posts.



Authorities
are now worried about something absurd and dangerous: pillow-bombs on airplanes.
They believe that al Qaeda terrorists are trying to manufacture an odorless,
explosive material called nitrocellulose that could be smuggled onto flights
as the stuffing inside pillows, stuffed animals and overcoats. This week, the
worst threats to your well-being come disguised as the most innocuous things
or people you can think of. Suspect everything, especially the things least
likely to arouse suspicion. In other words, if it’s adorable, squishy,
or totally devoid of sharp edges, run for your life. If you can cut yourself
against it, however, it’s probably more or less safe.




Sagittarius
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)



Strip. It’s
probably too cold to be dancing outside in your skivvies, but you should be
as naked as possible, as often as healthily possible, in as many ways as possible.
In other words, eliminate as many barriers–both physical and emotional–between
you and the world as you can. There are times to be cautious and guarded; this
isn’t one of them. Everything that hits you this week (whether seemingly
good or bad) is like sunshine and rain to a newly sprouted plant. It’s
exactly what you need to grow and blossom. If you shield yourself from it, you’ll
only stunt your own long-term potential. Instead, embrace it and bloom.




Capricorn
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)



Be careful
not to trip this week, because at least half a dozen conniving conspirators
are waiting in the wings to kick you while you’re down. If you manage not
to fall, you’ll never see them; they’re like cowardly hyenas who’d
never dare to face you at your full strength. Therefore, watch your step, puff
out your chest, and roar a lot. If you manage to get through the next ten days
without fucking up or being hamstrung, you’ll be home-free. The craven
scavengers hoping to benefit from your failure will scatter and disappear, in
search of easier prey.




Aquarius
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)



The bed
you’ve made in which you now must lie–is a curious mixture of comfy
and scratchy. This is what you get for hedging your bets. Still, I’m glad
you did. Sometimes it’s best to put all your eggs in one basket and just
hope it works out, but you were smart enough to realize that, given your odds,
you’d be better off not pinning all your hopes on just one thing. So what’s
happened is like a storm cloud with both a dark, thunder-filled belly, and a
brilliantly golden bright side. Brave the weather as you must, but don’t
focus on it. Instead, concentrate on unfolding the silver lining of your situation,
until it covers everything. I think you’ll find it stretches much further
than you expected.




Pisces
(Feb. 19-March 20)



Watch out
for the tar pits of your soul. I’m referring to those chasms of seething
anger and resentment exposed by the erosive nature of recent events. They’re
dangerous. There’s nothing you can do about their existence, but I suggest
you skirt them carefully. Given your current mental state, you might recklessly
want to toss a shitload of deadweight–both human and emotional–down
into those black depths, but refrain. You don’t want anyone or anything
precious to fall into them–regardless of how you feel about that person
or thing right this second–because once they tumble into that mess, you’ll
never be able to pull them out.




Aries
(March 21-April 19)



Pretty fucked-up
surprises abound this week. You might discover that the girl you’ve been
kissing is your long-lost sister, or your worst enemy is your dad in disguise.
Very Luke Skywalker, I know, and the exact scenarios you experience probably
won’t hit extremes like these. However, examine your most intense relationships
this week. I predict that unforeseen (and probably unforeseeable) connections
between you and those you love (or hate) could change everything about your
interactions for a long time to come. Whether that’s good or bad depends
on how rigidly attached you are to the old way you two got along (or didn’t),
and how creative you can be when inventing a new framework for your relationship.




Taurus
(April 20-May 20)



This is
a balls-out party week for you, Taurus, especially the weekend. You’re
not going to get jack done if you try to buckle down and be efficient or productive.
What with your ruling planet Venus reveling in the reckless domain of those
wandering, lusty Sagittarians, and the full moon showing her round white ass
in your sign on the 8th, being on top of work duties is simply not your forte
this week. Get the absolute essentials out of the way as quickly as you can,
so you can concentrate on things at which you’ll excel: getting yourself
laid, drunk and a cameo on the next installment of Girls Gone Wild.




Gemini
(May 21-June 20)



Don’t
overreact. A burst of exceptionally cold emotional weather could have you scrambling
into your fur parka and burning your furniture for heat. Your reflexes are on
a hair-trigger this week. However, if you rush to extremes of self-protection,
you won’t have anywhere left to go when, say, winter really hits.
This cold snap is just a harbinger of things to come. I’ve no doubt you
can handle it, as long as you don’t start sweating beneath too many layers
now. Just chill out and check yourself before you freak out. There’s no
need to risk frostbite, but don’t overcompensate, either. Your mantra:
This is gonna be just fine.




Cancer
(June 21-July 22)



You’re
not under siege, although we might think so, considering how much time you’ve
spent constructing elaborate defenses of your emotional dwelling. In fact, you’ve
been so busy crafting massive stone walls and deep, monster-populated moats
to protect you from purely theoretical attacks (that haven’t yet manifested,
and may never), that you’ve neglected to maintain the things that’ll
shield you from the ambient stresses of life that we all have to deal with,
which aren’t even specifically aimed at you. It’s the equivalent of
freezing rain spilling through a leaky roof and icy drafts creeping in around
rattling windows. Chill out on your preparations for an ambush or invasion,
and just concentrate on making your inner world someplace worth living.




Leo (July
23-Aug. 22)



You’re
much better live than you are in a photograph or recording. There’s something
about the way you engage people and enfold them in the warmth and generosity
of your spirit that inevitably colors how you’re perceived by them, forever.
Without the benefit of that special, engaging glow, people might not find you
as impressive or beautiful in two dimensions as they do in three. Therefore,
insist that anything important you do this week happens in person, instead of
online or over the phone. A smile, handshake or significant look from you, in
real time, could make the deal that’d never happen without it.




Virgo
(Aug. 23-Sept. 22)



For all
your nervous energy, you also possess an impressive reservoir of patience. Unfortunately,
it’s drought season, and you won’t have your usually limitless quantities
of tolerance and serene endurance to draw upon. So don’t be too hard on
yourself if you become snappish or testy under duress that wouldn’t normally
make you break a sweat. You’ve got so much karmic cash stashed in your
account that you ought to be forgiven twice over for each and every cantankerous
comment you make this week. And you know what? Anyone who doesn’t give
you the benefit of the doubt isn’t worthy of you anyway, so fuck ’em.




Libra
(Sept. 23-Oct. 22)



Smartass.
That’s a title you’re coming to deserve more and more lately, as you
react to most of your life’s stresses with sarcastic good humor. It’s
refreshing, because, to be honest, your unrelenting earnestness–as well-intentioned
as it was–had begun to drive some of your friends a little insane. We’d
all rather take a clever jab in the ribs for our foibles or faux pas than an
overly sincere scolding. Embrace the perversity and darkness of your unfolding
sense of humor. It’s a good thing. However, be aware of one thing–once
everyone’s got an inkling of how well you can dish it out, we’ll be
expecting you to take it, too.




Caeriel@yahoo.com


This week’s horoscope.

Written by None - Do not Delete on . Posted in Posts.



Let your
creation achieve independence. Giving what you’ve made a life of its own
that transcends yours is a powerful act, albeit a humbling one. (That Kermit
could outlive Jim Henson is beautiful.) Your astounding capacity for transformation
and invention means there are many beings, both real and imaginary, who owe
you for what they’ve become. Although it’s sometimes difficult for
both parties to let go of that, you must do so this week. Frankenstein, wave
goodbye to your monster. Let him have his own desires, dreams, relationships
and free will. What you’ll lose is someone who’s indebted, or even
subservient. What you’ll gain, when your progeny returns to shake your
hand, is adoration, respect and an equal.




Sagittarius
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)



You rarely
get second chances. Life is not a video game. When playing Grand Theft Auto:Vice
City
you can restart the unit as many times as it takes until you beat the
game. Out here in the real world, you’ve almost always got one shot, not
as many as you may need. Unfortunately, there are parts of your life that you’ve
unknowingly subjected to a video game mentality: "Next time around I’m
going to try it differently." Wake up. Do it differently now. Make yourself
happy now. Make your life work for you now. If you’re not doing what you
really want to do right this second, when will you be?




Capricorn
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)



You are
an entire universe unto yourself. Trillions of creatures rely on you for life.
Most of those beings are microscopic bacteria populating parts of your body,
either symbiotically or parasitically, but there are also at least one or two
slightly larger beings whose emotional galaxies are inextricably intertwined
with yours. Each twist of your internal helix of philosophical constellations
throws their orbits out of whack. Be aware of that this week. There’s nothing
inherently wrong or right about the situation, but since the sharp-edged vortices
of your darkest thoughts can open gaping black holes in somebody else’s
soul, you might want to make sure you spawn a few brilliant suns for them, too.




Aquarius
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)



Make sure
you bundle up. Chilly winter weather doesn’t have to be heinous torture;
the difference between misery and contentment is proper insulation. But although
the climate’s likely to be pretty brisk this week, that’s not exactly
what I’m talking about. Instead you should be donning layers of padding
between you and the frosty emotional temperatures gusting across your landscape.
They could be bracing, even invigorating, or they could be horrible and damaging,
depending on how geared up you are. If you’re not prepared to wear the
mental equivalent of seven layers of cotton, wool, and Gore-Tex, you ought to
jump on a plane headed for the equator, fast.




Pisces
(Feb. 19-March 20)



Severe stress
makes you want to roll into a ball and hide. Who can blame you? Heed your instincts
when they demand you curl up self-protectively. However, instead of cowering,
roll intrepidly into the difficult situations you’re dreading. After all,
the quandaries you’re shrinking from won’t dissolve on their own.
Be a ball. Spheres are resilient, and when you’re in this cautious emotional
stance, threats and weapons headed your way will almost certainly be deflected.
Roll with anything else that comes your way, make forward progress whenever
you can and the depressing impediments to your happiness will be behind you
at least ten times sooner than they would’ve been, otherwise.





Aries
(March 21-April 19)



Try the
old-fashioned way first. Whatever you’re attempting is more likely to get
done, on time, if you do it the tried-and-true way you used to do it, instead
of the supposedly more efficient modern methods you’re thinking about using.
In this case, ignore the voices of "progress" or "reason"
hawking faster, better or easier ways. Their schemes may be superior usually,
but they won’t be this time. Do it the way you know. Whether the task is
writing a book, getting a second date, or screwing someone over, you’re
better off with a fountain pen, floral bouquet or voodoo doll than a computer,
tattoo or lawsuit.




Taurus
(April 20-May 20)



My dog adores
cats. He’s had this kinky cross-species romance thing going for as long
as I’ve known him. He’ll stand at the window making eyes at the neighbor’s
cat across the way for as long as she sits on the sill staring back at him.
You should identify with his star-crossed love this week. Like him, you worship
something or someone you shouldn’t, and in most cases, the feelings are
somewhat less than mutual. You should resist your massive propensity to take
it personally. It’s really not about you; it’s simply because you’re
the wrong color, gender, weight, or species. Get over it, or not–either
way, stop feeling bad about it, please.




Gemini
(May 21-June 20)



You’re
Snow White in the forest. Hold out a finger and a chirping bird will swoop down
to land on it. Starving deer will emerge from their wooded hideouts to nibble
from your hand. Unfortunately being a multifaceted Gemini is a double-(or quadruple-)
edged sword. You’re just as likely to fry up the songbird for dinner or
skin the doe as simply enjoy their company. Similarly, the prince(ss) that comes
out of the woodwork in answer to your innocent song of longing may glimpse your
equally powerful dark side and run screaming. Don’t try to hide your most
shadowy urges. Instead, make it your goal to find the royal consort who’d
run screaming if you didn’t have that dark side.




Cancer
(June 21-July 22)



I had a
dream in which you’d transformed into a polar bear who hunted seals with
gleeful and effective violence. I took it to mean that you’ve recently
grown enough snowy white emotional insulation that you can now brave icy and
dangerous situations with impunity. Not only that, but you’ve grown to
such massive size and ferocity that you’re now the biggest, baddest thing
inhabiting the frigid waters you’ve been swimming in for a couple months
now. You have nothing to fear for the moment–except bigger polar bears.
Luckily, you can see them from a long way off. So relax, finally–just don’t
get cocky or careless.




Leo (July
23-Aug. 22)



Imagine
the thrill of finding something as valuable and sentimentally rich as a cache
of treasure you hid a decade ago. There’s a small likelihood this week
that you might uncover a repository of cash and goodies you’d concealed
and completely forgotten about. Even more likely, however, is the possibility
of digging up heretofore unrecalled wisdom you possessed and discarded ages
ago. We’re constantly recycling ourselves, becoming new people. One person’s
trash is another’s treasure. You’re a different person than you were.
Isn’t it possible that the junk of your past could be the rich bounty of
your present?




Virgo
(Aug. 23-Sept. 22)



Don’t
throw yourself out with the garbage. There’s every likelihood, as you continue
the endless cycle of purging your life of all the useless detritus it’s
accumulated, that you’ll accidentally mix your keys, wallet, or cellphone
with the trash. Be careful of that this week, and also of disposing of some
of your useful personal qualities, which could get dumped along with the selfishness,
pettiness or self-destructive levels of efficiency you’re trying to get
rid of. Instead of being forced to chase the garbage truck down your street,
demanding to rummage through the rubbish in search of your credit cards or your
self-respect, simply be careful not to throw them out in the first place.




Libra
(Sept. 23-Oct. 22)



You’re
a pancake on a griddle, sizzling in hot oil. It’s a little tortuous and
smoky right now, but pretty soon you’ll be lathered with the sweet balm
of syrup and lovingly devoured, because you’ve become so delicious. Your
trial by fire is necessary, and in fact desirable, since at the end of it you’ll
be more popular and put-together than you have been for years. Just make sure
that the person who’ll get the first taste of the new you is worthy of
it, and will add the right flavors to it. None of this margarine and fake syrup
bullshit; you deserve real butter and maple goodness, all the way.




Caeriel@yahoo.com


This week’s horoscope.

Written by None - Do not Delete on . Posted in Posts.



You’re
a human laser beam. Leos shine, Libras glow, Geminis sparkle. Those Aries burn
hot and magnesium-bright. But when you decide to turn on your radiance, it’s
fierce, dangerous and concentrated, like a laser. Be careful where you point
it this week, because all eyes will be turned in your direction. It’s all
fun and games until someone loses a retina. Your thorny task: Find the one person
with the emotional equivalent of ruby quartz goggles; in other words, someone
who can take the full force of your undivided attention and not even break a
sweat.




Sagittarius
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)



There are
times when you long to lose yourself in the anonymity of a crowd, to recreate
yourself a dozen times a day with hundreds of different strangers. And there
are times when you crave the comfortable familiarity of old friends, where nothing
needs to be explained; speaking at all isn’t entirely necessary. This week,
you may have trouble deciding which–if either–of those you want. However,
keep in mind the tired saw: If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Before
you attempt to shock your trusted companions to the core, or chum up to new
acquaintances as if you’ve known them half your life, consider a third
option: keeping to yourself for a while. If you don’t, you may open doors
you’ll wish you’d kept closed.




Capricorn
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)



Your week
may be uncannily sci-fi, a la Matrix or eXistenZ. Which level
of reality you’re currently operating on will be less clear than it has
in a long time, as you experience lucid dreams and a surreal waking life. Meanwhile,
you’ll also have trouble trying to decipher double-entendres in conversations,
or reveal subtext in the actions of those you’re interested in. At some
point, you’ll have to throw up your hands and give up on trying to pare
back the layers and just go with what is, without a lot of complicated and confusing
interpretation. You’re not being shallow by only paying attention to the
surface of things–you’re avoiding the fatal over-thinking that’s
your only other option.




Aquarius
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)



This week
presents you with a ray of real hope. You’ve persisted under chronically
overcast skies for weeks now, never sure if your main endeavor has any chance
at all–no matter how remote–of actually succeeding. Well, it does,
and on the 22nd and 23rd you should get at least a couple of very real clues
about your odds. Don’t get too excited. It’s not a lock. You don’t
have this one in the bag. But so what? You have a chance, a real one–and
that’s more than you had last week. Now all that’s left is for you
to go for it.




Pisces
(Feb. 19-March 20)



You had
to leave your boots, pants and lucky underwear behind, sucked down by the mucky
mire of your last four weeks, but you’ve finally slogged out of that swampy
landscape onto slightly firmer ground–albeit more than half-naked and still
surrounded by the dangerous fens you blithely walked into during the summer.
Although you entered the quagmire obliviously, without even noticing, it’s
going to take all your mental acuity, concentration and determination to navigate
your way out without getting chomped by an alligator, bitten by a snake or consumed
by quickmud. Don’t relax, Pisces. You’re only out of danger when your
eyes are open and you’re paying attention to every step you take.




Aries
(March 21-April 19)



This is
the last good week this year for a long-neglected thorough cleaning of your
house and life. I know most people do this kind of thing in the spring, but
you’re too busy during that season. When t-shirt weather hits, you want
to run around and enjoy it, not stay inside deciding which clothes you’ll
donate to goodwill. But meanwhile, a ton of useless detritus piles up, both
inside your closet and your soul. You’ve got to get rid of it sometime.
It’s a tedious task whenever you tackle it, but it’s likely to be
slightly easier and less annoying this week, so why not get it out of the way?




Taurus
(April 20-May 20)



I wish I
knew the secret of your seduction, Taurus. I’ve only ever managed to romantically
interest those of your tribe purely by accident. I still don’t know what
I did right. Like me, many people are wondering what the trick is. Oh, you had
no idea you had all these admirers? Perhaps you shouldn’t be guarding your
personal information quite so zealously. It’s costing you romance, fun,
and even friendship that I think you’d be mostly better off with than without.
Clue me in and I’ll pass the information along to those who need it, before
they completely lose interest, or hope.




Gemini
(May 21-June 20)



Cloned animals
are usually flawed, and if they manage to get born at all, their lifespans are
short. Your copied attitudes and philosophies are similarly weak and ephemeral
right now. Don’t simply take someone’s word for something and adopt
it as your new belief. In general, it’s good to learn from others’
mistakes, so you don’t have to make them yourself. Nevertheless, this week
having your own experiences and making your own judgments (and, yes, faux pas)
is far more important. In other words, come to your ideas and attitudes completely
authentically and single-handedly, or just don’t go there at all, lest
the bubble of your convictions bursts as easily as the heart of a cloned pig.




Cancer
(June 21-July 22)



Women with
female support during the birth process require less pain relief and are less
likely to have forceps deliveries or cesareans than those who lack the encouragement
and assistance of other women. This makes perfect sense to me. What’s some
guy going to be able to say or do more credibly or supportively than a mother
who’s been through it? You may not be experiencing childbirth this week,
but you’ll similarly survive and even flourish under your current stresses
if you share them with someone who’s been through something similar. Find
a kindred spirit. Even though you may initially bond on the basis of your pain
or confusion, you’ll probably discover that your commonalities extend to
places far beyond that, like hilarious fun, comforting affection or lusty sex.




Leo (July
23-Aug. 22)



Recent studies
have found that housecats can infect their human owners with a parasite that
changes their personalities. Toxoplasma gondii tends to make women more
vivacious (and promiscuous), while men infected with it generally become anti-social,
scruffy and aggressive. While your infectiousness is less literal, your ability
to bring out the sex kitten or alley cat in those you know has reached impressive
heights this week. Be careful which internal Pandora’s boxes you open in
your friends, because you don’t want next week’s horrified mantra
to be: "I’ve created a monster."




Virgo
(Aug. 23-Sept. 22)



The bad
news is, you’re not going to be much more productive, effective or efficient
this week than you have been the last couple. I know that frustrates you. But
at least you’ll be able to relieve another kind of frustration, which brings
me to the good news: Your bed is suddenly a hotbed of pleasurable activity.
Although the results you achieve there may not be quantifiably measurable, spending
hours in the sack is most assuredly not a waste of time. Lay down, as
soon as humanly possible, by yourself, or with a friend or two. Almost anything
you can accomplish between the sheets–be it sleeping, dreaming, pillow
talk or fucking–will rock, even if the rest of your life is a little lame.




Libra
(Sept. 23-Oct. 22)



You’re
luminous, just in a slightly fucked-up way. That is, the parts of you that are
glowing and attracting attention aren’t necessarily the ones you were hoping
to light up and shine. It’s frustrating, isn’t it, to be waving your
arms and begging people to notice your new hair color, attitude or underwear,
and all they focus on is your scuffed shoes, dog or new laugh line or crow’s-foot.
Unfortunately, there’s not much you can do this week about what people
notice and what they don’t. So what are you going to do with your Day-Glo
ass? Work it. Be a goddamn firefly.




Caeriel@yahoo.com


This week’s horoscope.

Written by None - Do not Delete on . Posted in Posts.



You’ve
looted and pillaged more hearts, homes and underwear than you probably should
have, recently. Now you have more booty than you know what to do with. Try to
carry all your loot, and you’ll inevitably lose every bit. Instead, strategically
ditch some of it, so you can keep a tighter grip on what’s left. Unfortunately,
the kinds of treasures you’ve filched won’t stay buried on a deserted
isle until you’re ready to cash them in. They’ll dig themselves up
and haunt you if you’re not careful. Instead, get them stolen by another
pirate. Said buccaneer may be tricky to identify (he won’t be wearing an
eyepatch or yelling "shiver me timbers"), but once you do, give him
the opening he needs to take what you no longer want.




Scorpio
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)



Your greatest
challenge these days is overcoming habits of distrust, fueled by false assertions
like: "If I trust no one, I can’t be betrayed." Don’t let
the times you’ve been fucked over in the past unduly influence your present.
A little caution is prudent; you don’t need to plunge heedlessly into situations
that are way over your head, like you did when you were 19. But you really ought
to do more than just dip your toes in. After all, you’re a better emotional
swimmer now than you were then. Forget diving headlong without checking the
depth. But get in the water, already.




Sagittarius
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)



Downplay
your coolness. No one wants to be just another horse in your vast stable of
conquered studs and/or fillies. You’ve seen and done so much (and so many
people) that it’s hard for the new objects of your affection to feel worthy
or at all comparable. Therefore, without lying (I know how you despise dishonesty),
downplay your past adventures. There’s no need to parade all your crazy
famous friends, world travels or transcendental experiences on your third date.
The person you’re wooing is already impressed with you; go much further
right now and you’ll just scare them off.




Capricorn
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)



How has
your rigidity limited you, this past year? I can count at least 11 examples
of situations in which things weren’t "exactly right," so you
simply ignored them. How many great people have you denied yourself a connection
with because of one disagreeable feature? How many opportunities have you missed?
I’m not saying you should reject your instincts. Just loosen up a little.
The next four and a half months are rife with amazing opportunities and incredible
people. However, none of them are going to precisely match your preconceived
notions of how they should be. If you can’t transcend those limited conceptions,
you’ll just plain miss out.




Aquarius
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)



You’re
going to get caught Xeroxing your ass in the copy room this week, or your boyfriend
or girlfriend will spot you cruising online for the threesome you haven’t
told them about yet. As embarrassing and potentially repercussive as these situations
might be, they’re almost as likely to be sexually and comedically fruitful,
rather than damaging. It really could go either way, depending on how you play
it. Wield humor, charm and your sense of lighthearted mischief to make things
go your way. Denial, remorse, deceit or guilt is what will get you in trouble,
so consider "No Shame" your mantra this week.




Pisces
(Feb. 19-March 20)



Your identity
is smack in between who you believe yourself to be, who you’re aiming to
become, and what you do every day. I’m trying to convey a lesson in action
and intention. In essence, you are what you do, and the longer you do it, the
more you are it. Get it? So you can call yourself an artist, intend to
be an artist, but if what you actually do is sell drugs, your ass, or your soul
to make ends meet, you’re at least partially that other thing, and the
longer you continue in that supposedly provisional situation, the more it fits
you. You don’t want to be a whore, drug dealer or temp slave forever, so
make sure your temporary measures are truly that–temporary. Starting today,
do something, every day, that fits who you really want to be, and not
just who you currently have to be.




Aries
(March 21-April 19)



Your cellphone
and laptop batteries have lost their charge. They won’t work for long before
they need to be plugged back into the wall. You’re the same way; your ability
to sustain a high output of energy is temporarily limited. That’s okay.
As long as you’re aware of it, it won’t be too hard to simply make
sure you give yourself frequent rest breaks and down time to recharge. This
phase won’t even last long enough for anyone else to notice. What they
will notice, however, is if you don’t take time to revitalize
yourself, and you fall flat on your face as a result. You’ll have a harder
time living that down than making people overlook the fact that you took an
extra coffee break every day this week.




Taurus
(April 20-May 20)



All your
old hiding places are in imminent danger of discovery. It’s time to remove
your lockbox, diary or family jewels from their usual secret nooks and conceal
them someplace new. You can thank me later for this timely warning, because
now when your indictors whip open your closet doors hoping to triumphantly expose
any lurking skeletons, they’ll find nothing but clean clothes and shoes.
They’ll look like idiots, and you’ll be able to send those self-righteous
assholes packing–and rest assured that they’ll never do anything that
fucked-up or hypocritical again, at least not to you.




Gemini
(May 21-June 20)



You’re
like a malignant, old-school jack-in-the-box, quietly lulling those around you,
singing an innocuous tune, then springing at them with knives in hand, an evil
grin emblazoned across your face. The first couple times, this is a thrilling
surprise for people just getting to know you, who graciously label you "excitingly
unpredictable." Then it gets tired, and you earn the label "tragically
unreliable," or just plain obnoxious. Therefore, be careful whom you jump
out at this week. Your mischievous ambush could win you a kiss, free trip or
lifetime supply of free lovin’, or it could cost you your job, your relationship,
or lifetime supply of free lovin’.




Cancer
(June 21-July 22)



You’re
Frogger this week. Your life is like that ancient video game. You’ll be
dodging trucks and crocs and watching your footing for weeks to come, lest your
ego or spirit get squashed beneath somebody’s emotional 18-wheeler. Don’t
get freaked, though. You may feel all squishy and exposed for the moment, but
at least you’re fast and wily, and come the Scorpio New Moon, you’ll
develop a new sort of armor by mutating from cute, ordinary frog to hallucinogenic
toad, with the power to make people trip their asses off, or lay them out for
weeks.




Leo (July
23-Aug. 22)



You occasionally
have trouble turning off the roar to expose the purr. It’s difficult to
dial down the confidence level to reveal the tenderness and vulnerability that
usually lurks beneath–however, that’s just what’s necessary this
week. If you don’t, the people who are hoping for and craving the kind
of cozy compassion you can exhibit will be scared off by your brassy nerve,
and decide you’re all spark and no heat. Show those who desire it that
there’s a place for them curled close to your heart, so they aren’t
frightened by the long claws and giant ego between it and them.




Virgo
(Aug. 23-Sept. 22)



You’re
not a puppet in someone else’s play; you’re a free-willed piece in
someone else’s puzzle. Your current quandary: Whenever you figure out where
you fit into the big picture, and start to slide into place, you realize all
the other pieces have shifted around you, so you have to either jam yourself
in despite a suddenly imperfect fit, or begin reevaluating where you best belong
now. Have faith. The higher forces fucking things up for you have your best
interests in mind. They’re not letting you find an adequate niche right
now because they don’t want you to get stuck inside a merely adequate situation
when the perfect one awaits, a little further down the line.




Caeriel@yahoo.com


This week’s horoscope.

Written by None - Do not Delete on . Posted in Posts.



You’ve
had great chances to show off your kindness, generosity, and compassion recently.
I’m quite impressed and, truth be told, a little turned on. You’ve
made it clear that you’re willing to dig deep and appreciate beauty that’s
blemished, and complicated people, and messiness of all kinds. This week you’ll
have many opportunities to blow us all away with even more unprecedented displays
of messy emotion, like foolhardy passion, ridiculous munificence and the bigheartedness
and open arms of a lusty saint. Rise to these occasions, as you’re more
than capable, and you’ll not only make the hero worship lists of at least
three new people, you’ll probably get laid, too.




Scorpio
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)



There’s
heavy traffic ahead. You’re going to be stuck in a bumper-to-bumper jam
for the foreseeable future. There’s no avoiding it; the standstill blocks
the only available route to your destination. Sucks, don’t it? But it could
be worse; at least you have this warning, so you can stock up on good music,
refreshments, and best of all, a companion to keep you entertained while you’re
trapped in the stop-and-go. You also have this scant consolation: Once you’ve
cleared the gridlock, you’ll have nothing but open highway for at least
three weeks, and best of all–no speed limit.




Sagittarius
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)



The conflicts
are piling up. These disturbing discrepancies aren’t caused by differences
of opinion, politics or real-life questions like, "Who’s gonna get
the girl?" They’re caused by timing. You’re trapped in your own
version of a badly dubbed kung fu movie, where sound and picture just don’t
line up. Working your ass off to make things work and interpret bad translations
has helped you squeak by so far without any major mishaps or faux pas. However,
the backlog of missed opportunities and slightly botched paperwork has become
too cumbersome and messy. Put a few things on hold so you can address the deeper
problem you’ve been putting off. If you don’t, you’re likely
to suffer a regrettable (especially because it’s preventable) blunder this
week that’ll have you kicking yourself for months.




Capricorn
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)



In some
ways, you’re as accommodating, tactful and peace-loving as a Libra; more
than anyone, you loathe getting bogged down in petty disagreements. That’s
why it’s key this week that you be at your most diplomatic, obliging and
sweet, or risk being mired in niggling debates and needless drama over trivial
disputes. These things don’t matter, but for some reason you’re the
only one who thinks so. Eventually, these idiots will come to their senses and
quit bugging you about this shit. They may even apologize for doing so. But
for now, take the path of least resistance, even if it’s not your ideal
route–it’s still better than the emotional traffic you’d find
everywhere else.




Aquarius
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)



Love is
tricky and strange–but how would you know? Okay, maybe your love life ain’t
perfect, but surely you’ve noticed by now that you’re slightly luckier
in love than those around you, if you look at the big picture? Be a yenta this
week. Whether or not you’re currently romantically entangled, you’ve
had an easier time acquiring those entanglements than most of the people you
know–many of whom want them much more than you do. Help them out. Give
your romantically challenged friends a leg up, with advice, matchmaking, or
just good old-fashioned pimping. Do it to repay the universe for the blessings
you’ve received. You owe it one.




Pisces
(Feb. 19-March 20)



It’s
a confusing time for Pisceans, one that’s changing from moment to moment.
First you think you’ve got things figured out better than you have in years,
and minutes later you decide you’re more lost than you’ve ever been.
I don’t envy you, but at times like these you need to dig deep and step
up. You can’t be lazy or take the easy way out, and sometimes that means
you need the help of your friends. So take their advice when they give it to
you. They have pure motives and an ideal perspective. Trust that they know what
they’re talking about, would you? They do.




Aries
(March 21-April 19)



It’s
Full Moon time again, only this year you know exactly what to do with that surge
of confusing and hard-to-control energy. You’re Dr. Frankenstein in his
lab, about to channel a tremendous bolt of lightning for your own slightly nefarious
purposes. Fortunately, the powerful and impressive creature you’re about
to waken will be less confused than his sad monster was. Once it’s conscious
and walking around, you’ll be virtually unstoppable. Just make sure you
use your newly awakened might to help others, as well as yourself, or the villagers
may come after you and your creation with torches and pitchforks.




Taurus
(April 20-May 20)



Einstein
once said, "You do not really understand something unless you can explain
it to your grandmother." That’s the kind of in-depth knowledge you’ll
need to cultivate if you hope to make it through the week unscathed. You can’t
be satisfied with simply scratching the surface; you’ve got to plumb deeply
enough to know how things work from the inside out. This applies to everything
in your life that you’re the least bit interested in, from the mechanics
of your car engine to the inner workings of your lover’s soul. If you have
any doubt about the thoroughness of your comprehension, ask yourself if you
could make Grandma get it.




Gemini
(May 21-June 20)



The mirror
you’re looking at is more valuable than you think. Unlike conventional
mirrors, this one shows you your own best potential. Believe in it. It tells
no lies–only you could make it a liar, if you choose, by deliberately thwarting
its beautiful vision. That’s what I’m worried about; there’s
a tiny part of you that is just perverse enough to fuck things up just to see
what’d happen. Don’t do that, Gemini. You’re fortunate enough
to find someone who has faith in your greatness, latent or actual. Don’t
break that mirror. It’s bad luck.




Cancer
(June 21-July 22)



Forget the
bullshit about idle hands being the devil’s workshop. I’m more worried
about your idle mind, because within it lie the seeds of your own downfall.
Left with too much time and energy to spare, your brain is all too capable of
creating new and unpredictable forms of self-sabotage. In other words, keep
busy this week, and everything will be just fine. Don’t give yourself time
to stew and ponder and wonder. Those fruitless activities will just make you
miserable, both internally, and externally, and ultimately fuck things up, big
time.




Leo (July
23-Aug. 22)



Leos aren’t
renowned for their subtlety. You can be tactful and manipulative, but delicacy
ain’t your forte. You generally prefer forthright honesty. Lately, this
has felt like a great weakness, because people seem to want you to play games
you’re either incapable of or just no good at. Luckily, there are a few
who appreciate the unadorned truth. See, everyone lies, or hides parts of the
truth or simply withholds the truth of what they feel because it’d make
them too vulnerable to admit it. That’s what makes what you’re capable
of all the more valuable. If you can be nakedly honest this week, you’ll
be immortal, or at least as close as any of us can get–certainly no one
you tell the truth to will ever be able to forget you.




Virgo
(Aug. 23-Sept. 22)



During your
solo game of emotional musical chairs, timing is paramount. You never know when
the music will stop, and what mood you’ll end up in. What might annoy you
in one moment could tickle your funny bone in the next, or make you cry, or
bore you. This is a good thing. Your role right now is to shake things up (especially
yourself) and be a catalyst for change. You can’t do that if everyone’s
got you all figured out, and can predict your next 10 moves. Luckily, since
even you don’t know how you’ll feel or what you’ll do in five
minutes, guessing where you’ll be 11 days from now is impossible. And believe
it or not, that limbo full of beautifully chaotic randomness, impulsiveness
and limitless possibility is exactly where you need to be.




Caeriel@yahoo.com


This week’s horoscope.

Written by None - Do not Delete on . Posted in Posts.



Keep your
nose clean, kid. While it’s definitely a good call to make sure you’re
consistently booger-free, that’s not exactly what I’m talking about;
Librans are famously well-kempt. I’m referring to, instead, the slightly
dirty affairs you’ve been thinking of getting mixed up with, in the name
of profit or ego, things you just know, deep down in your gut, are not right–for
you or anyone else with, like, morals. Don’t sell out, at least not in
this way–you’d give up too much and get way too little. Besides, all
ethics aside, the kind of public cleaning-up you’d suffer–something
like when your Mom whipped a disgusting crumpled tissue out of her purse to
blot your mortified six-year-old nose–just ain’t worth it.




Scorpio
[oct. 23-nov. 21]



Few people
come off as instant marriage material. The secret to your popularity, such as
it is: You tend to wield just the right amounts of in-the-sack nastiness, and
take-home-to-Mom sweetness. It’s a rare combination, and it’s largely
responsible for the disproportionate number of head-over-heels admirers you
usually garner, compared to other signs. Unfortunately, your balance is out
of whack right now. You’ve shifted, temporarily, so far in one direction
that you’re attracting all the wrong types: prudish pedants who wish they’d
saved themselves for marriage (obviously so inappropriate for you) or
malign sluts who can’t be bothered to remember your name (not quite as
inapt, but still unsuitable, considering your current standards and circumstances).
In general, fervently avoid new entanglements this week, and by all means, if
anyone proposes marriage or even a no-strings lay, run away.




Sagittarius
[nov. 22-dec. 21]



Get down
on the floor and play with the kids. It’s what you need, to sprawl surrounded
by toys and the joyful egotism of a child, and just have fun. Forget the misery
of your responsibilities for at least thirty minutes a day all week. If you
don’t have a kid on hand to play with, pretend. Buy some Legos and build
stuff or indulge in some good old-fashioned crayon art. Your inner child is
lost in the big bad woods surrounded by the big bad wolves of your adult world.
Find and befriend him or her once again, before s/he gets eaten alive.




Capricorn
[dec. 22-jan. 19]



All your
mineshafts are depleted. Accept it. You’ve been sending psychic miners
down these familiar holes, day after day, and they’re returning empty-handed,
or with dead canaries. Face it; you’ve unearthed every last diamond, vein
of gold or even chunk of coal from these exhausted dig sites. It’s time
to seal them up well so you don’t lose any kids or puppies down their dark
depths, and start exploring new ground. You may have to purchase some mental
territory traditionally occupied by your neighbors, but it’s in your nature
to annex new land. No need to be ashamed of it, especially considering the good
uses you’ll be putting your new-found wealth to, once you figure out where
to dig it up from.




Aquarius
[jan. 20-feb. 18]



You’re
a dwarf with a battle-axe, at once comical and very, very scary. The problem–you’re
not used to being laughed at unless you’re the one making the joke. Still,
it’s all in good fun, and there’s no question about your effectiveness;
your weapon, as usual, is razor sharp. Be big about the dichotomy you’re
sporting right now. Recognize that beneath the chuckles–which you should,
by all means, participate in, if possible–people are taking you very seriously.
Then do what you gotta do, laughing all the way.




Pisces
[feb. 19-march 20]



What you’re
trying to do is akin to tearing the hairs off your own head, to weave them into
a new shirt to wear. It’s shortsighted; you’ll end up bald with a
collar and half a sleeve. Spare yourself the pain and just look beyond the tip
of your own nose, darling. The outcome of your current venture is obvious to
everyone but you. That’s not to say you should abandon it, necessarily–although
that might really be the best option–but you ought to consider at least
changing your methods to ones that could actually work.




Aries
[march 21-april 19]



Although
you can realistically claim to have more energy than anyone you know, it’s
important to know what kind of energy you have in abundance. It’s
difficult to bridle your shifting flames and ride them marathon distances. Long
hauls are much harder for you than short sprints, which, as everyone knows,
you rock at. That’s not to say you can’t cover great expanses and
even make good time doing it. You just have to take a different approach. What
is a long haul, except dozens of short sprints? Break it down into manageable
chunks. You may not win the race, but in this case winning ain’t important–what’s
important is reaching the finish line.




Taurus
[april 20-may 20]



You’ve
been so hungry for thrills lately that I don’t want to even mention the
unspeakable places you’ve been sticking your vibrating cellphone. Unfortunately,
you can’t just force excitement to happen. Trying to inject it into your
life right now will only result in the psychic equivalent of a heroin addiction
and ultimately prevent you from experiencing some of the more legit, healthy,
and high-quality adventures coming your way soon. Luckily, although this week
may contain none of the tumultuous and electrifying ups and downs you’ve
been craving, it should provide enough gentle and engaging pleasures that you
can keep from indulging in any more embarrassing perversions of modern technology.




Gemini
[may 21-june 20]



You don’t
know whether to giggle or weep. Lately, no one’s cut you a break or given
you the benefit of the doubt–instead they’ve leveled accusations of
not taking things seriously enough, or, perversely, treating everything like
a joke. You’re starting to think you just can’t win–and that’s
where things get dangerous. It’d be more accurate to assume that you just
couldn’t win. By the time Mercury slides into Libra on the 6th,
you’ll have finally figured out just what’s expected of you–when
to laugh out loud and when to keep a straight face.




Cancer
[june 21-july 22]



You’ve
got a problem; it may not be especially big, but it’s taking up an awful
lot of mind-space. It’s like one of those painful zits that you just wish
you could pop but it’s too deep to get to. Like a pimple, it’s probably
better to just leave it alone, at least for now. It’s untouchable. Instead,
concentrate on the things you can control, the mental equivalent of eating
right and gently cleaning your face with good product. If you’re good about
it, you’re predicament will, like a zit, probably just dissolve and disappear
on its own.




Leo [july
23-aug. 22]



For me to
tell you you’re especially vulnerable or receptive to those Geminis right
now would be redundant; you’ve already noticed. You might even have a clue
that there’s a surprising amount of reciprocity there, too. But did you
know that you have in your back pocket the perfect Band-Aid for your favorite
Gem’s Achilles heel? Luckily for you, they’ve got a similar remedy
that will cure your own most tender wound. It might be the kind of thing where
you can slap bandages on each other’s sore spots, wish each other well,
and go on your merry way–depending on what your particular injuries are.
But if you’re at all open to it, I recommend sticking around and seeing
what happens next. I have a feeling it’ll be worth your while.




Virgo
[aug. 23-sept. 22]



It’s
not like you to wait until the last minute, but that’s really what you
ought to do right now. That’s because your current objective is more like
a short sprint with hurdles than a long-distance marathon. There’s no point
in exhausting yourself cramming in additional training now. Either you’ve
got what it takes or you don’t, and squeezing in a few extra practice runs
will only tire you out and make you less on your game, come the big event. Slack,
even though it contradicts your very nature. Loaf as if your dreams and hopes
depend on it. They do. When it’s time to get off your ass and fly, you’ll
know.



Caeriel@yahoo.com


This week’s horoscope.

Written by None - Do not Delete on . Posted in Posts.



According
to South Park, holding in your farts can make you spontaneously combust. According
to me, holding in your grief can give you sinus infections. Containing your
anger can make you bitter and passive. Worst of all, repressing your desire
for love (and the bits of human neediness that come with) will leave you lonely
and exhausted. When passing gas to avoid unspeakable explosions, some times
and places are more appropriate than others. The important thing is finding
those apposite occasions. Same thing goes for your emotions. By all means, wait
until the right moment to express them, but when that moment comes, don’t
hold anything back–let ’er rip.




Scorpio
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)



People may
use unfamiliar words to describe you this week, like "comforting,"
and "gentle" and "safe." You’re not accustomed to feeling
like a homemade quilt, a puppy or a cup of hot cocoa. These edgeless sources
of warmth are generally quite different than the blaze you usually provide–which
is fierce enough to burn as well as heat things up. But your scorch-factor is
dialed quite low this week. Your barely repressed desire to scald and scare
has been subverted into a more passive wish to just be there for those who need
you. This won’t last long–but ending it won’t be your doing.
For now, let those who want it bask in your comfy warmth, because they’ll
be demanding you crank things to more dangerous temperatures soon enough.




Sagittarius
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)



You’re
grilled cheese, you’re chocolate, you’re the fucking Beatles. Whether
they particularly like you or not, the people you encounter have to acknowledge
your basic–and nearly universal–appeal. Those who don’t are fooling
themselves, and aggravating me and your other fans. Still, those caffeine-free,
lactose-intolerant, rock ’n’ roll haters don’t matter much in
the grand scheme of your life. There’s a time and a place to convert those
straddling the fence to the Cult of You, but this ain’t it. For now, graciously
please your loyal followers and politely ignore your detractors, no matter which
group is more vocal.




Capricorn
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)



To all my
fellow skeptics: Sure, astrology is bullshit. It’s a load of fucking hooey,
and I don’t use that word lightly. But get this: It’s also real.
It’s as real as the stock market, and you believe in that enough to do
day trading, right? Financial advisors like Crawford Perspectives and Cycles
Research think it’s worth checking out, too. According to Forbes.com, they’ve
generated double-digit returns with investments based on astrological indicators.
My point–something like astrology is only as real or important as you make
it. But so are a lot of other things, and you occasionally find them useful
enough to believe in.




Aquarius
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)



Trim your
nose hairs, wax your back, clip the toenails–all metaphorically, of course.
Although the one(s) you most want to impress may also be checking out physical
particulars like these, what they’ll primarily be looking at are psychic
hangnails. What teeth have you left unbrushed, which pimples unpopped and split
ends unsnipped? Make sure your conscience is as clean as a whistle, your ego
not overinflated, and your humble charm dialed all the way up. If you spend
as much time grooming your mental health this week as those vain Librans do
primping in the bathroom, you’ll do just fine.




Pisces
(Feb. 19-March 20)



You can
be mighty perplexing to those who wish they could see a more tangible and predictable
connection between your intentions and your actions, because very often–especially
lately–what you do is almost exactly the opposite of what you said you
wanted to do. So what? You’re a flip-flopper; that’s just part of
your Piscean nature. However, since at least one of those observing you is in
a position to give you something you greatly desire–but only if you fulfill
their slightly unfair expectations–it might be in your best interest to
embody a little less contradiction and a little more reliability. Luckily, this
week’s astrological forces will help you do just that.




Aries
(March 21-April 19)



You may
have to sing for your supper this week, or your sex, or your promotion, or your
role as center of attention–or all of these things. Luckily, you love being
put on the spot, even while you profess to hating it, because it gives you a
chance to shine. I’m warning you because you shouldn’t pass up any
opportunity to prove yourself–you may not get a second. A moment of false
modesty ("No, no, I simply couldn’t!") will send the spotlight
on to the next person who simply can and will, and you’ll have to do without
dinner, fucking, a raise, or popularity.




Taurus
(April 20-May 20)



There is
simply no way I could nail your horoscope on the first try. It takes several
drafts for me to cram what I want to say into the space I have to say it in,
and to articulate it as precisely and concisely as possible. Less is more. In
your laudable efforts to get it right the first time, you’ve sprawled your
sentiment across three states. No one wants to read an essay in smoky skywriting.
This week, pare things down to their simplest forms. Cut your 50-word marriage
proposal down to five. That’s all you need.




Gemini
(May 21-June 20)



You’re
sweet, always there for people, constantly cheerful, good company. There’s
little I can offer you in the way of advice, but if I had to come up with one
thing: You’re too independent. You’re so self-sufficient that
you don’t give those who long to get closer to you any openings to be there
for you. I’m not saying you should go all soft and weak and needy. But
you could move a half-step in that direction. Receptivity and vulnerability
are this week’s keywords. Sometimes getting is more important than giving,
and since many folks you know are all too eager to give to you, why not offer
them the chance?




Cancer
(June 21-July 22)



It’s
a good week to meet new people, but not to get to know them. That’s a tricky
distinction, especially because the first impression you’re generating
right now is magnetically irresistible. Unfortunately, behind the surface of
a friendly face-to-face, all your magnetic poles are misaligned–things
are bound to get prickly and uncomfortable, because you’ll rub your new
acquaintances the wrong way, and vice versa. It’s better to be glib, charming
and only hint at the depths you possess, instead of inviting your enchanted
potential friends to plunge in. Save that for next week, when their rough edges
won’t catch against yours.




Leo (July
23-Aug. 22)



This week,
you’ll despise everyone. Not the whole week; hopefully your contempt will
contain itself to one or two tragic minutes, when your generally sunny perspective
is overwhelmed by the miserable, self-destructive failings of our race. I hope
that you can transcend your disdain quickly because if you’re anything
like me, you hate hating everyone. It sucks when some ugliness you encounter
eclipses all the beauty and kindness and dreaming we also create. Surround yourself
with people who consistently inspire or delight you, so you won’t get stuck
in the black mood when it hits. And if you happen to be away from the dreamers
you love when shit goes down, take my words on faith: There is good in
the world, even if you can’t see it. Just wait. It’ll turn up.




Virgo
(Aug. 23-Sept. 22)



Patience
isn’t one of your best virtues, so you can understand all too well when
those who are waiting on you start to get antsy and worried. They’re used
to your usual instantaneous action. You’ve spoiled them by creating a world
in which things are almost easier done than said. Now, when what you’re
working on simply can’t be finished faster than it is, no matter how efficient
or dedicated you are, people are bound to get impatient. Don’t let them
rush you, though. Despite their urgency, results really are more important than
a record time. And since you rarely do anything half-ass, when they see how
well you’ve done, they’ll quickly forget how long it took.




Caeriel@yahoo.com


This week’s horoscope.

Written by None - Do not Delete on . Posted in Posts.



You’re
a kid on a swing in a playground. Goaded by your school chums, you’ve pumped
until the chains are buckling at each apex of your arc. Now they’re screaming
for you to jump. You know you can. You know it would actually feel good, that
effortless glide through the air, the exciting tumble to the ground. You even
know, in your gut, that you probably wouldn’t get hurt. But your fingers
won’t release! Luckily, you haven’t stopped pumping. You’re still
primed to fly as far and fast as you ever were. You may have missed a few good
opportunities already, like when your buddies offered to cushion your fall with
their bodies. But you have chances yet left. All you have to do is let go.




Libra
(Sept. 23-Oct. 22)



Don’t
freeze up in fear. This week you’re likely to encounter a few things that
you’d probably rather not experience. They might be pretty unpleasant.
But rigidly trying to ignore them or escape them without being touched (mentally
or physically) won’t work, and will just make the situation that much worse.
Be open, be loose, be flexible. It’s not like the drunken homeless guy
(or whatever form the unfamiliar new thing will take) is actually a threat to
you, unless bad breath makes you die. Heed what’s going on. I promise you’ll
learn something. You’ll probably have a good laugh about it, too–and
who doesn’t need more of those?




Scorpio
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)



Lately you’ve
shunned the open, sunny rooms of the mental house you’ve built; you’ve
crawled into the spaces between the walls, slithered behind radiators, peeped
through paintings and shimmied up chimneys. I appreciate that you’re trying
to experience all the places between or behind the familiar (slightly tired)
ones you’ve already visited. You’re looking for something new, or
something old that you might have missed. But the things you’re craving
are too big to fit into the places where you’re looking for them. If you
want something grand and beautiful to come live in your house, you can’t
make room for it in a walk-in closet; you’d better build on a whole new
addition.




Sagittarius
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)



You’re
being poisoned by your environment. This is besides the toxic vengeance we wreak
on ourselves in our sick self-sabotage, like pollution, pesticides, free radicals.
You, specifically, are being sickened (physically or spiritually or both) by
your unique living situation. Check for radon, evil roommates or just an overall
sterility that doesn’t reflect, stimulate, or amplify the richness of your
inner life. Sagittarians are meant to move a lot, to wander and learn, and take
in a wealth of diverse stimulation. So when you settle down, even for a little
while, let alone years, you need to make sure the place you’ve put roots
in has plenty of magic to help you keep growing, or you wither like a plant
out of sunlight. Make your environment reflect you and what you believe–now.
If you can’t make that happen, it’s time to leave.




Capricorn
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)



You have
the power to make a seed sprout just by staring at it. Water boils when you
get mad. A kiss from you has enough juju to wake the dead. What to do with this
suddenly amplified and concentrated (and hard to control) personal power? Anything
you want. The trick is figuring out what you want, fast, before your batteries
run back down to normal levels. You’re likely to inadvertently manifest
the next three wishes you make. I just hope they’re things you actually
want, not just things you think you want.




Aquarius
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)



Backpedaling
Uranus is retreating into your sign this week. What does this mean? Earlier
this year, you were a dynamo of power, blowing obstacles from your path with
blasts of psychic energy and decisive force. You’re not quite so aggressively
endowed right now. You’re more like a black hole with infinite gravitational
attraction. Whatever you direct your attention at, unless it’s firmly rooted
in place, will be sucked inexorably toward you and crushed against your iron
will–or embraced by your open arms. You can’t easily control the fact
that almost everything will soon be hurtling in your direction. But you can
decide what happens to it when it gets there.




Pisces
(Feb. 19-March 20)



What’s
the magic word? I’m not talking about Miss Manners bullshit somebody taught
you as a kid. I’m talking about the thing you can say that almost always
gets you what you want. It could be: "Come over and fuck me," or "I
know what you did last summer." It could just be "please." Whatever
it is, I know you’re careful not to overuse it, lest it lose its effectiveness.
But this is no week to pull punches. You need what you need, and you need it
now, so do what you gotta do to get it.




Aries
(March 21-April 19)



The more
you trust, the more your trust will be rewarded–mostly. The unfortunate
exceptions to this rule, however, teach us distrust so quickly it’s scary.
Sadly, distrust works the same way–the more you suspect someone, the more
likely they are to fulfill your worst expectations. Why do we let the negative
experiences have so much more power than the positive ones? Because pain is
easier to remember than pleasure. This week, you have a chance to change all
that. Your best hopes will yield the best results, as long as you don’t
give an inch to your worst fears (which are equally likely to manifest if you
do). It’s an exercise in faith. Think good thoughts, good shit will happen.
Think life sucks? It will.




Taurus
(April 20-May 20)



Frequent
laughter is exactly the medicine you need, and you’re finally realizing
that having fun is more important than some of the other things you’ve
been putting all your energy into. Life is short, and material success might
play a factor in your maximum enjoyment of it. But I believe a much greater
role in your general happiness can be played by the goofiest people you know.
Forget physical sex appeal, financial status, gender or any of that superficial
stuff–look to the people who make you laugh best and most often. Invite
them deeper into your life. Make room for them, and for the fun you’ll
have. You’ll not only live longer as a result, you’ll live way, way,
better.




Gemini
(May 21-June 20)



Where have
you gone? Some of your friends are convinced you’ve fallen down a well
somewhere, and just can’t get cellphone service down there. Maybe you have.
From my astrological readouts, it looks like nearly all of the arrows and buckshot
headed your way will miss their target. Meanwhile, you’re free to concentrate
on the introvert-type stuff you’ve been neglecting. Just don’t stay
down in your well of solitude for too long. Climb up before week’s end
or your worst enemies will discover your best hiding place, which just can’t
happen; you’re a sitting duck down there.




Cancer
(June 21-July 22)



Watch your
weight. You’ve suddenly become so receptive that desserts are effectively
twice as fattening as usual. That’s the downside of your current state.
The upside is that you’ll be twice as fed by spiritual nourishment. Thus
your recent near-starvation diet will seem a little more like a feast. And that’s
not all. It’s just like the universe to throw in a bonus package when you’re
already reeling with newfound wealth. The Full Moon in Pisces is likely to throw
more than a bone your way; it’ll probably toss you a whole steak.




Leo (July
23-Aug. 22)



Your psychic
inbox is full of spam. Your life is rife with useless distractions and annoying
reminders of the pettiness you’d rather be free of. You need a better junkmail
filter, but you’re not sure how to implement it without shutting out at
least some of the people you would like to hear from. Just like no one’s
figured out a hassle-free way to keep their email-box free of porn, there’s
no easy way to keep your life crap-free. But if you pay attention this week,
you should discover at least one way of more effectively screening out the noise
and hearing more of the music.




Caeriel@yahoo.com


This week’s horoscope.

Written by None - Do not Delete on . Posted in Posts.



Turn up
the volume. You’re doing really well, Virgo, at expressing your wants and
needs explicitly and articulately. You’re just not doing it loudly or aggressively
enough. Communicating with perfect lucidity is useless if you’re so quiet
that the people who need to hear what you’re saying simply can’t.
They’re mostly so eager to please that they end up guessing–and guessing
wrong, which leads to all sorts of other complicated wrinkles and annoyances.
Avoid having to balance those good intentions against your disappointment: Grab
a megaphone and start yelling. It might feel unnatural to hurl your wishes into
the air with all the force your lungs can muster, but you’ll get over it
when each and every one comes true.




Libra
(Sept. 23-Oct. 22)



Take off
your blinders. It’s simply time to stop fooling yourself. You can’t
blame the deception you’re suffering from on anybody else; you’re
not naive enough for anyone to pull wool this thick over your eyes. The only
person who could maintain this unbelievable charade is you. The problem: a war
between your gut and your desire. You want something to be true, or real, while
deep down you know it’s not. It’s hard to admit to yourself the truth
of the situation because it’s anathema to your hopes (which are slightly
unrealistic, but only for the moment). You’ll never give yourself a chance
to actually find a situation that fits your wishes–until you see the current
one for what it is, and extricate yourself from it.




Scorpio
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)



You need
to be cuffed and spanked. Or maybe you need to cuff and spank someone else.
The astrological omens aren’t very clear about who deserves this punishment,
which could be humiliating, sexy, hilarious–or all of the above–for
everyone involved. Whether you’re the distributor of discipline this week
or the castigation catcher, I’m sure you’ll have fun (and happily
review a couple half-forgotten lessons). Just don’t make a habit of this.
As exciting and interesting as it can be to tear down useless walls (in your
soul or somebody else’s), it’s more important that you save your strength
and time for the impressive construction work of the coming months: structures
dotting your shared inner landscape that are more massive and cooperative (and
beautiful) than anything you’ve ever attempted before.




Sagittarius
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)



My favorite
architect and artist, Sagittarian Friedensreich Hundertwasser, once said that
"the straight line is godless and immoral" and that "the uncritical
use of straight lines has reduced our cities to concrete deserts." I urge
you to consider this message in the coming weeks, when the straight line, although
it may be the shortest distance between two places you want to be, is
almost certainly the worst path you could take, killing a bunch of the chaotic
life flourishing in your mental terrain. Instead, when considering your destinations,
please imagine the most complicated, spiritually nourishing route, with no regard
for efficiency–that’s the one you want to take not only to get where
you’re going, but to get there enriched, instead of sterilized.




Capricorn
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)



While I
was advising those Scorpios to participate in some much-needed restraint and
punishment, I have the opposite advice for my dear Goat friends: You’ve
been chained up way too much, and taking your normally motivational self-flagellation
to unhealthy extremes. Ease up. Unlock at least half the encumbrances grounding/restraining
you, and let a few things slide for a while. Pretend you’re delicate and
fragile, like a freshly cut flower. You need to be lovingly trimmed, nourished
and enjoyed, not worked out and worked over. You can go back to your robust,
high-speed, high-efficiency employment and amusement next week when they won’t
leave you drooping and half-dead with wilt and exhaustion.




Aquarius
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)



Your life
is rife with deficiencies. I’m not talking parts of your personality; we
both know you’re pretty much one of the most chill, well-adjusted people
out there. I’m talking about what you’re taking in–and what you’re
not. There’s a certain element, as essential as Vitamin C, that’s
just plain missing from your life. You know what I’m talking about. You’d
better find a way to supplement your spiritual diet with some form of what’s
absent, or you may come down with a bad case of soul scurvy. Hint: You already
know a perfect (and willing) source of your malnourishment’s remedy. It’s
only a phone call or email away.




Pisces
(Feb. 19-March 20)



Don’t
disempower yourself. You’ve gotten a bit lax at keeping your most self-destructive
urges in check. You shrug and say, "I’m a Pisces; we’re prone
to extremes," and don’t question it any further. Then you just let
yourself go there, when perhaps resisting or moderating those inclinations might
be better. The next time you feel yourself sliding down that slippery slope,
catch a toehold with the question: "Am I really going to learn something
useful and new about myself? Or am I just wasting money, time, and well-being
for some empty fun (that’s probably not even that fun)?"




Aries
(March 21-April 19)



This week
I’d like you to concentrate on overcoming the misery of gadgetry. You’re
too much under the influence of some of the technology that surrounds you, and
you end up feeling–rationally or irrationally–that you’re its
servant, and not the other way around. Revolt against your cellphone, television
or internet addiction. Reduce their behemoth proportions to more reasonable
priority levels. Your first week off high-dosage tech might be rough, but by
week three, you’ll be happier and more engaged with the world than you
have been in a year.




Taurus
(April 20-May 20)



Your naturally
iron stomach may protect you from mild food poisoning, but that’s no reason
to purposely ingest anything even slightly toxic. Sure, go ahead and exercise
your digestive advantage if you have a good reason, like: It’d be fun to
go on a bender with your college buds, impress a chick with your pufferfish
ingestion or kill that parasite you picked up in Zimbabwe. But I’m guessing
that none of the reasons you’re given (or can think up) are even half as
good as the ones I mentioned, so by all means, don’t be stupid. If you
see something (or someone) toxic, stay away.




Gemini
(May 21-June 20)



You might
as well throw in the towel this week, because all your ventures will probably
fall flat. If you succeed right now, it’ll most likely be by accident,
not by trying as hard as you can. Don’t abandon your loftiest ambitions,
just put them on hold for a week or two. They’ll still be there later,
when the inhibitive astrological influences don’t have you pinned to a
board. I’d rather you tackle them fresh at that time, rather than flailing
ineffectually at them for weeks amidst mounting frustration. Instead of aiming
high, just concentrate on the little shit, enjoying life’s daily pleasures:
Take lots of showers, stay cool, eat delicious food, listen to good music, play
with the dog. When it’s fruitful to go back to conquering the world again,
I’ll let you know.




Cancer
(June 21-July 22)



Hard and
fast rules of morality won’t serve you well. Sometimes, albeit rarely,
violence, assholism, theft or deceit is justified. I’m not presenting an
ends vs. means argument here. I’m simply pointing out that occasionally
one of those extremes represents the lesser of evils. I’m discouraging
the infamous Cancer Cling on all fronts, but this week most of all I wish you’d
resist rigidity regarding your principles. If you can’t think outside the
arbitrary ethical boxes you’ve drawn, you won’t be able to deal when,
like right now, all your viable options lie outside of them.




Leo (July
23-Aug. 22)



Since you’re
not currently in their grips, this is a good week to take an objective, practical
look at your fears. List them in order of potency, not conquerability–the
latter is irrelevant just now, because there’s actually no wall you can’t
topple. Then line them up against a brick wall and shoot them dead. Sadly, this
week doesn’t herald an end to all fear (like you, some of them have
more than nine lives, and will return in a new form), but you should be able
to utterly kill (and be rid of forever) at least two or three.




Caeriel@yahoo.com


This week’s horoscope.

Written by None - Do not Delete on . Posted in Posts.



My trackpad
froze up. My poor aging iBook has had it, I thought. The cursor wouldn’t
move, and my repeated restarts (my only available recourse) did nothing to correct
it. When I finally brought the thing in to get it fixed, though, everything
worked fine. As annoying (and relieving) as this tale was for me, it’s
perfectly in synch with your week. Call the doctor, repairperson or therapist,
now. The problem you’re having will clear up just as magically and mysteriously
as it appeared, once you’ve taken real steps to deal with it–but not
before.




Libra
(Sept. 23-Oct. 22)



There were
Blackout of ’03 t-shirts on sale before some people even had their power
restored. Seriously. I saw them, and thought of you and the way you’ve
been hyping your experience–before you’ve even had a chance to experience
it. I know you’re excited about your plans, but at least complete them
before you begin bragging about them, or making memorabilia. Be warned: It’s
bad enough that any "pre-game" buildup dramatically increases your
chances of being bitterly disappointed with what actually happens. It gets worse:
Your blabbing could jinx you, and prevent the much-anticipated event from even
happening. In other words, run your mouth about, say, going horseback riding
and you’ll break a leg before you ever step into a stirrup.




Scorpio
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)



Your cold
and distant ruling planet, Pluto, is moving forward again for the first time
since March. Here’s hoping that your heart, which has been similarly frigid
and unreachable (at least to some people), might seem a little more approachable
now that it’s more in synch with the rest of the universe. You know what
I’m talking about; you may still be such a dynamo in the sack that you
think your fuckbuds are blinded by their multiple orgasms. Nope. They know you
haven’t quite been there the way you used to be. Wake up. Knocking boots
won’t hold anyone’s attention for long unless there’s some soul-to-soul
sweetness, too.




Sagittarius
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)



I fought
in a condiment war a couple weeks ago. A couple hundred people gathered in the
streets, armed with squirt pistols, water balloons and squeeze bottles filled
with mustard, mayonnaise, syrup and hot sauce, and joyfully blasted the shit
out of each other. Sticky and stinky as I rode the subway home to throw out
my clothes and shower off, I thought about you. Conflict may be unavoidable,
but isn’t there some way you could make it fun for all concerned? It’ll
resolve itself regardless, whatever method you choose; the outcome is virtually
guaranteed. But wouldn’t it be better to get there with smiles on your
faces?




Capricorn
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)



Come on,
you horny goat. I know you’ve already gotten off twice more than usual
today, but I believe you actually have another one in you. Try a sexy, cuddly
catnap. In 20 minutes, I predict you’ll surprise even yourself and be good
to go again. In other words, this week you may feel that you’ve already
blown your wad. In truth, your wad is, er, bigger than you think. Give yourself
a chance to dig deep and find out what you’re really made of–and capable
of–especially because it’ll be so fun for everybody else, too.




Aquarius
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)



This week
you’re likely to laugh so hard you pee yourself, or cry loudly enough to
wake the neighbors, or rage so intensely you break furniture–or all of
these and more. It’s not that your emotions are especially heightened,
it’s that they’ve hit a wall. Thus you don’t experience them
until they’ve developed enough force to smash their way through, at which
point they’re, well, sort of extreme. Hey, don’t sweat it. Just go
with it, and remember this week next time you want to make fun of those melodramatic
Cancers for acting just like you are now.




Pisces
(Feb. 19-March 20)



My favorite
aspect of the big blackout: that 50 million minds were sprung from their routines.
All those people simultaneously shook off the programming of their familiar
lives and stopped running on automatic for a while. Hopefully, it wasn’t
too scary for too many people–but even fear has its place when it comes
to shaking things up. What will it take to wake you up and keep you present,
in the coming weeks? Do you need a jolt of gut-wrenching fear, or a fire under
your ass? Better scare or motivate yourself, because if you don’t, forces
in the universe will–and they’re a lot less gentle than you’d
ever be.




Aries
(March 21-April 19)



For those
seeking a happy horoscope, I implore you: Please stop reading now. I’m
very sorry to have to bring you the kind of news I’m about to disclose.
If you lack the stomach to learn of your impending misery, turn the page now.
Besides the tragic circumstances ahead, I have only this pathetically meager
sliver of hope or comfort to offer: Everyone experiences misery, often, throughout
their lives–and they almost always get to experience joy again, if they
patiently and persistently seek it. Now, regarding the depressing forecast (here’s
your last chance to turn back): You are almost certainly bound to have your
expectations built up, then squashed by a load of empty hype this week. Still,
there may be a gem or two worth salvaging among the wreckage of your shattered
hopes (or dreads).




Taurus
(April 20-May 20)



Don’t
join the witch-hunt, Taurus. Even though your neighbors and coworkers have called
you out, torches and pitchforks in hand, refuse their urgent madness. It’s
not too late to cling to sanity and common sense, even when all those around
you have utterly abandoned them. You’ve done well this year, shedding your
undeserved reputation for thoughtless conservatism, but here’s where you
must don the mantle of thoughtful moderation and caution. Only someone
as strong and solid as you can hope to do the job; when those around you decide
to leap to (and act upon) ridiculous conclusions, swat them down in midair,
and shake some sense into them.




Gemini
(May 21-June 20)



It’s
scapegoat season again, and you’re miles from any haven where hunting is
off-limits. Your world’s shifty right now; even the alibis you use to evade
taking the fall may turn on you if you’re not careful. It could be frustrating
to take a smack across the head for a sin you didn’t commit, but resist
the temptation to deflect that attention by pointing your own raygun of culpability.
At least you know you’re innocent (even if no one else believes
it). Blaming someone else (especially when you’re not sure they’re
guilty) would erase that innocence, and only make you deserve the punishments
you’re getting.




Cancer
(June 21-July 22)



Let’s
call this Glamour Week for you Cancers. While stylish elegance is certainly
easily attainable for you right now, I was referring to the older definition
for that word: glamour as illusion. Your sensitivities are highly attuned to
crafting a proper deception or alteration of perception, and what that takes:
details, details, details. You’ve got the skills to pull off whatever big
trick you want; flawlessly forge a crop circle in a field somewhere, craft a
sexy new history for yourself to tell to strangers you meet, seduce someone
you’d normally perceive as out of your league. You’re already a convincing
liar when you want to be–but somehow you usually get found out. Here’s
why: Your conviction is important, but it’s the impeccable minutiae around
it that seals the deal.




Leo (July
23-Aug. 22)



Leos are
at once arrogant and insecure. Your self-perceptions are all cast in stark relief,
black and white. For instance, you’re utterly convinced that every significant
person in your life either loves you or despises you, when the reality is usually
a muddy blend of the two. I know it’s a challenge, when your ruling planet
is the sun, to shake off the night-or-day perceptions that have plagued you
lately, but it’s important that you clearly see things as they are–ironically,
not as clear or clean-cut as you’d believed them to be. Look for your answers
in the twilight, instead of at noon or midnight. That in-between time is where
they all live.




Caeriel@yahoo.com


This week’s horoscope.

Written by None - Do not Delete on . Posted in Posts.


Virgo
(Aug. 23-Sept. 22)



Partying
is for other signs. The focus of your birthday month, unfortunately, is work,
not fun. Tragically, the universe channels nothing but tough love for you Virgos.
Hey, don’t nag (or stab) the messenger; I’ll applaud you if you say,
"Fuck it," take off for Cancun and spend your savings on piña
coladas. However, I doubt your ambitious goals will allow such a happy jaunt.
They require a shitload of hard labor, and the cold fact is, you’ll have
an easier time accomplishing said labors while the sun is coursing through your
sign than during any other big block of time all year. Blow it off if you want.
Woohoo! But if I were you, I’d punctuate my toil with a glee-filled reckless
night or two, but mostly concentrate on getting shit done, when it’ll take
half as much time and effort as it will later.



Libra
(Sept. 23-Oct. 22)



Half-assed
gestures have gotten old. It’s time for you to do something, anything,
definitively. This week, don’t spend more than 30 minutes internally debating
anything. Make a decision, stick to it and follow through on whatever’s
required of you. You’ve put out so many mixed messages in the past month
that your friends are ready to sign you up for an ESL class. Make yourself understood,
because more than anything else, people in your life need to know where they
stand with you. No more equivocation. Bullshit p.c. sentiments like "I
hate labels" are too fucked to tolerate right now, and people won’t.
If someone asks you something, say "Yes" or "No," not "Maybe."



Scorpio
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)



Integrative
medicine, which utilizes a combination of Western medical techniques and a myriad
of so-called "alternative" therapies, like acupuncture, homeopathy
and lifestyle changes, is fundamentally different than typical Western medical
practice. It recognizes each individual as different, requiring different treatments,
and treats the doctor-patient relationship as a partnership, whereas traditional
doctors treat symptoms, not patients, and consider themselves unassailable authorities
and patients merely passive recipients of the drugs they prescribe. Being a
natural healer (and yes, destroyer; they go hand in hand), you’ve long
known that the same problem can and should be solved different ways by different
people. Now recognize that your crisis won’t respond to traditional treatment.
Come up with your own way to cure yourself. You can.



Sagittarius
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)



Selflessness
is your call word. The most important things you do this week are likely to
be about and for everyone but you. Yes, you’ll have the spiritual fulfillment
that comes with kindness and generosity, but this is not about fluffing your
ego. Do right by the folks you love because it is right, not because
you need it to feel right about yourself. So whether you’re dishing out
pity fucks or soup kitchen scraps, remember who they’re for: the people
who need these things, not the sweethearts who deliver them. Not you, but them.



Capricorn
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)



Don’t
wait until you’re backed to the wall. Right now you have choices, albeit
difficult ones. As thorny as your current options seem, let me assure you that
you don’t want to get to the point at which you have none left. You’re
loath to face the hungry tigers or stinking vats of shit behind doors one and
two, but they’re not going anywhere. Door three’s positioned just
out of sight behind one (or perhaps both) of the doors in front of you, but
you’ll never see the happier reality glimmering behind it until you wade
through the crap and claws between here and there.



Aquarius
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)



Tiptoe.
The only way you’re going to get where you’re going right now is through
stealth. All the beasts and monsters guarding the prize have been nearly awakened
by your recent clumsiness; they’re more alert and violent than ever before.
Absolute silence and patience are all that will get you past those lightly sleeping
dragons. Therefore, strip off the clanking armor you’ve been wearing and
leave your arsenal of cumbersome weapons behind. They won’t do you much
good in the labyrinth you’re entering; if the dragon awakens, you’re
cooked.



Pisces
(Feb. 19-March 20)



Unfuck your
mind. You’ve finally realized how often you’ve fallen prey, in the
past, to two classic Piscean traps: 1. Many of the buffers and safe zones you’ve
created for your own psychological safety have ultimately resulted in trapping
and suppressing you, instead of keeping the harshness of the world out. In other
words, they’re more prisons than havens. 2. You’ve accepted too much
at face value, because it was easier than constantly questioning things. Passively
absorbing society’s programming has made you less wise or courageous about
money, love, stability and responsibility than you’d otherwise have been.
It’s time to correct those errors. It may be harder to weed out all the
shitty ideas and thorn walls that have taken root than it would have been to
prevent them from being planted in the first place, but it must be done, nevertheless.



Aries
(March 21-April 19)



Mars, your
ruling planet, will be physically closer to Earth on August 27 than it has been
in nearly 60,000 years. Astrologically, that means you’ll notice a marked
amplification of your natural superpowers (with some or all of them careening
out of your immediate control) as well as an increased tendency to make foolish
mistakes. Don’t get aggravated or embarrassed by your gaffes; most of us
find them endearing, not annoying. But be cautious regarding your more esoteric
skills. In other words, be exceedingly careful what you wish for. You’re
likely to get two of it.



Taurus
(April 20-May 20)



The proof
of (and validation for) your dependability has endowed you with more self-confidence
than ever before. You’ve really got your shit together; so much so that
you’re more open to adopting a new pet or conceiving a child than you’d
previously been. There’s no question whether you can hack the added pressure
and responsibility. You’re solid. But recognize that your ability to carry
that burden is independent of your desire, which could very well change in a
month, year or decade. If you have any doubts at all about taking that on, get
yourself a goldfish, not a golden retriever.



Gemini
(May 21-June 20)



You’ve
made so many people around you quietly eat their words that now you’re
pretty much the only skinny person you know. It’s nice to prove people
wrong when they think the worst (or second best) of you, and I’m glad you’ve
had the opportunity. But don’t let it go to your head. Rubbing your current
righteousness and superiority in people’s faces will backfire, and
earn you a painful comeuppance. Don’t give your naysayers the pleasure
of seeing you get blindly cocky, nor the ecstasy of witnessing you being taken
down a notch. Shut up and be happy, successful, and best of all–right.




Cancer
(June 21-July 22)



It’s
all about preventive medicine. You have the power to wield spiritual prophylactics
more effectively than condoms. I’d strongly advise that you do so. The
alternative is almost certainly contracting an unpleasant malaise or ennui that
would be tougher to shake than syphilis. I’d rather not see anything so
dull cut into the fun you’re supposed to be having, so party safely, Cancer.
Don’t rely on luck, morning-after pills or the divine grace of your good
karma. They simply can’t be counted on right now. In other words, stick
to this rule of thumb: Before you stick your head or heart into anything this
week, wrap it.



Leo (July
23-Aug. 22)



Quit your
job. That’s right. Take a fucking leap of faith. The damn thing isn’t
fulfilling you, and the financial rewards aren’t worth what it’s costing
your soul. Leos should be proud and free, not burdened with thousands of niggling
obligations. The way to do right by yourself is to figure out a way to do what
you really want, and live off it. Poor and emancipated is better than enslaved
and rich; believe me, I know. It’s okay if you don’t quit today, or
tomorrow. Leaps of faith can be planned; they can be smart. But eventually (and
sooner is mostly better than later), you just have to jump.



 


 


This week’s horoscope.

Written by None - Do not Delete on . Posted in Posts.


Leo (July
23-Aug. 22)



Sometimes
no one else cares that you’re the center of the universe. They revolve
around you on their individual trajectories, interacting with one another and
completely ignoring the massive blazing sun they’re all orbiting. This
is natural; no matter how fabulous you are, people can’t pay attention
to you continuously, or they’ll start wishing you’d implode, just
to do something different. So when you pull off another amazing stunt this week,
don’t waste your breath yelling: "Look at me, everybody! Look at…um,
look over here… Everybody?" Just revel by yourself. When your fans
are ready to adore you again, they’ll come flocking all on their own.




Virgo
(Aug. 23-Sept. 22)



Your phone
may ring off the hook this week. Everyone wants an update on all your current
projects. It may surprise and flatter you that so many people care so deeply
about the things you’re working on (which often don’t even directly
involve them). But don’t get sucked in. You were making really good time
on your many missions, until you started having to give progress reports every
12 minutes. Make your voicemail message say, "I’ll call you when I’m
finished," focus on what you’re doing, and get shit done.




Libra
(Sept. 23-Oct. 22)



A cramped
quickie in an airplane bathroom isn’t exactly your style. Admission to
the Mile High Club isn’t that important to you. Fine, I don’t blame
you. But you can take that attitude to extremes. I’m sure that someone,
somewhere, did meet the love of their life after responding to a come-hither
look from a beguiling flight attendant. Sticking to some idealized version of
how things are supposed to play out will ultimately leave you lonely and old,
still waiting for circumstances to be "just so." Throw that shit out,
already. Make your own romance and, yes, it will almost certainly involve doing
things that aren’t "by the book"–they’re probably not
even in the book.




Scorpio
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)



Lurking
is a forte of yours. It may not be a skill you loudly tout or list on your resume,
but it’s certainly more useful than knowing how to use Excel. Recognizing
the right moment to pounce and when to bide your time is an amazing talent.
Exercise that slightly sinister patience this week, instead of succumbing to
the outside influences urging you to act now. You know, without the shadow of
a doubt, that if you’re patient you’ll eventually get exactly what
you want, whereas striking now only gives you a 50/50 chance. Why push it?




Sagittarius
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)



Many Sagittarians
differentiate their life’s chapters by the kind of good fortune they experienced
the most of during them. Think of past eras: the one when you got lucky in love,
the one when your business took off, the one when you inherited money and won
prizes. That’s why you may be even more disappointed than those Leos that
your ruling planet, Jupiter, is only in their sign for another two weeks. It’s
going to be that much harder for you to shine and have fun once it rolls over
into Virgo. Enjoy this last fortnight in the spotlight, Sag. You’ll miss
this time once it’s gone.




Capricorn
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)



Endings
make most people sad. It’s natural to mourn the loss of something beloved.
But I’m worried about you Caps, who occasionally despise change so deeply
that you rigidly resist rolling with it. Don’t get pinned under the steamrolling
tide of progress (even if it is, as you often claim, backwards progress). Instead,
fervently espouse the philosophy that’s your only sliver of hope: Each
ending engenders a new beginning; one door closes, another opens; and the cliches
go on and on in this vein. Tell you what–I’ll stop spouting them once
you start taking them to heart.




Aquarius
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)



You’re
perfectly comfortable where you are. No matter how enticing the invitations
you’ve received, they’re probably not enough to make you drag your
ass out of the metaphorical armchair you’ve settled into. That’s why
I’m here. Comfort is nice, and laziness is part of the human character.
But that’s not necessarily a good thing. I’m all for enjoying life,
but we’ve taken this to extremes here in the West, where people are generally
fatter and more appeased (I won’t say satisfied) than ever before. Think
of the deeper satisfaction that comes from fulfilling your dreams, even if the
work to get there is grueling and hard. Then turn off the tv, get up out of
the chair, and go for it.




Pisces
(Feb. 19-March 20)



The world’s
making sense again, finally. All the elements of your universe are running,
more or less, in the same direction. Enjoy it, but don’t get used to it.
You’re doomed, at least for the moment, to just barely figure things out
before they get jumbled up again. You’re in an hourglass that gets flipped
just when you’ve figured things out. The good news: Each time things turn
over, it’s a little easier to suss out your new terrain, so you have more
productive time than you did the chapter before. The better news: You only have
three more flips until you’ll be able to smash free from the hourglass
completely.




Aries
(March 21-April 19)



Beware brown-nosers.
You usually do; you’re not nearly as susceptible to profligate ass-kissing
as some other signs. Although you may be unable to avoid those obsequious apple-polishers
this week, you can keep from giving them any energy. They’re just another
form of vampire, after all, seeking to leech off your hyper-radiance. Don’t
get annoyed–that’s as pointless as being flattered by their insincere
ingratiation. Unfortunately, you can’t ignore them completely, as much
as you might like to. Take the tai chi approach: the path of least resistance.
A noncommittal yes to their ridiculous requests will do far more to peel their
lips off your buttcheeks than a flat-out no or a straight-up lie.




Taurus
(April 20-May 20)



Prettiness
may be a short-term advantage, but it’s often a long-term disadvantage.
It sometimes precludes people from developing other skills necessary to survive.
By the time their good looks fade, they’ve got nothing else going on. They’re
losers. I’m not saying you’re one of them–you’re far too
practical to get hung up on your own cuteness. But in your avid appreciation
for beauty, you may be enabling someone to ride entirely on their looks, to
their own eventual detriment. Don’t let that happen. Tell your gorgeous
girlfriend that you’re going to have to ignore her, at least until she
learns to read.




Gemini
(May 21-June 20)



Your list
of favorites is taller than you are. You have no problem deciding between a
myriad of ice cream flavors or dozens of sexy celebrities. But the compendium
of what you dislike is a jumbled mess. Which tastes worse, really, calf brains
or fried grasshoppers? Unfortunately, your choices this week may be riddled
with unsavory options. Since abstention isn’t possible, you may have to
decide between awful alternatives, determining not what you love best, but what
you hate least. The silver lining of this crappy scenario–there’s
the chance that one of the many sucky selections you’ll make this week
could turn out to be a pleasant surprise: something you actually like.




Cancer
(June 21-July 22)



Moral code
is important; for Cancers it’s integral to your very personality. However,
this week is all about differentiating between principle and practice. You’re
already too prone to get yourself into a huff over nitpicky details of experience,
loudly proclaiming when anyone questions you: "It’s the principle
of the thing!" Can’t you see you’re making yourself crazy? Not
every battle must be fought. It doesn’t matter that you’re in the
right every time if you’re also in an institution for the mentally unstable.
Pick your fights carefully this week, and in the weeks to come, based on your
own experience. Make it personal. If it doesn’t actually affect you
(only your beliefs about how things "should be"), leave it alone.


This week’s horoscope.

Written by None - Do not Delete on . Posted in Posts.



Even knowing
what you know about the self-fulfilling nature of your self-perceptions, it’s
hard to constantly believe in your own fabulousness. Although your ultimate
goal should be absolute ego-freedom from others’ opinions, it’s okay
to accept an outside boost every now and then to help you get back on track.
Luckily, this week you have any number of admirers who’ve taken special
notice of what you’ve done lately, and how well. Let one or two of them
buy you dinner, but remember: These people are more than just founts of compliments.
Anyone who’s willing to selflessly believe in and support your magnificence
must be pretty great. While you’re graciously accepting their praise, make
sure they know you know they’re hot shit, too.



Virgo (Aug.
23-Sept. 22)



If anyone
is used to sharing, it’s you. You even have to share your ruling planet,
Mercury, with those unruly Geminis. But just because you’re good at it
doesn’t mean you should have to do it all the time. Be selfish this week,
Virgo. Hoard your goodies, for just a little while. It’s sweet to be openhanded,
but you’ve been maxing out on the self-sacrifice. It’s time to be
generous to yourself. If you don’t want to end up getting nailed to a cross
somewhere, follow my advice: Don’t revert to your old, munificent habits
until you’ve had at least seven days in a row during which you’ve
spent more time, money, and energy on yourself than on everyone else combined.



Libra (Sept.
23-Oct. 22)



Like those
Virgos, you’re good at sharing. Unlike them, you don’t get sick of
it quite as easily–in fact, you’re far more likely to be guilty of
over-share than any other sign. Hey, that’s no bad thing, even though some
of the more judgmental signs might sometimes think so. So what? Screw them.
Obviously, you’re not meant to end up with one of those people.
Go ahead and tell everyone you meet everything about you, from old band-camp
stories to what you ate for breakfast. You’ll know who your real friends
are: those people who are genuinely interested.



Scorpio
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)



I have felt
more of a kinship with you Scorpios this past year than with my own sign. I’ve
watched my personal obsessions with sex and death wax and overflow in ways I’d
only previously observed in members of your dark crew. I’m not alone, either;
many people are identifying with you lately. More people actually get what you’re
all about than ever before. This is both bad and good. Bad, because you may
have to give up the I’m-a-Deep-Loner-Who-No-One-Understands routine that
you love so much. But good, because your family of kindred spirits has just
nearly doubled. Here’s another good thing: Kindred spirits make great sex
partners.



Sagittarius
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)



This is
as good as it’s going to get for a while. I’m not saying start settling
for second best. It’s just that some times are better than others for making
quick progress or improving your lot in life. This week you’re likely to
encounter incredible resistance when you try to move up in the world. Don’t
give up entirely. Just cool it for a week or so. Bide your time and chill out.
Instead of trying to force your way through, wait for the opening that’s
bound to come–if not next week, then certainly the week after. If you’re
not exhausted from fruitlessly trying to forge ahead, then you’ll be able
to rocket upwards with three weeks of pent-up force.



Capricorn
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)



Do it right
the first time. That’s the gist of the advice doled out by my favorite
author, Neal Stephenson. He says it applies whether you’re writing fiction
or computer code; it’s always harder to go back and try to debug faulty
code or fix bad writing. This advice is relevant to you, specifically to the
project you’ve just begun. Since you could do a slapdash, quickie job right
now, then spend a period eight times as long fixing it, or you could
take merely twice as long as the quickie version to nail your task perfectly
(and never worry about it again). I recommend you choose the latter option.



Aquarius
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)



Aquarians
make great friends. It’s not that you’re especially gifted with sensitivity
or thoughtfulness–in fact, you’re often incredibly self-centered (don’t
sweat it, most fascinating people are). It’s that when a friend asks you
to do something, you always, always do it, whether it’s helping them move,
picking them up from the airport, or just listening to them vent. It’s
really great–for those who know the secret: asking. That’s the key
that’s been missing from the friendship lexicons of some of your newest
pals. Please fill them in, by telling them, "If you ever need something,
just ask for it, and it’s yours."



Pisces (Feb.
19-March 20)



You can
stop trying to figure out who’s going to end up with who on Sex and
the City
now. I already know: Miranda will land Steve; Samantha, Jerry;
Carrie and Charlotte will end the series alone. Hey, hey, before you get in
an uproar about me ruining your favorite show, stop and realize: I don’t
know what the hell I’m talking about. I made up that shit just like someone
else in your life will make up shit to fuck with your head this week. Now that
you know how it is, don’t let them get you in a tizzy with their totally
fake information, okay?



Aries (March
21-April 19)



You’re
so good at saying just the wrong thing at the worst time, thereby totally aggravating
a situation that, say, a politically minded Aquarius could have defused with
a kind word and a joke. Another astrologer might throw up his hands and say
there’s just no hope for you, but not I. At the same time, I’m aware
that I can’t increase your diplomacy in one measly paragraph. You do have
one recourse, however: Parlay your tactlessness into an advantage. Every weakness
can be played as a strength. For instance, those who know you’re incapable
of subtle manipulations might trust (and adore) you all the more, knowing you’ll
never screw them around.



Taurus (April
20-May 20)



You’re
shedding worse than a golden retriever in high summer. The detritus you’ve
been casting off has gathered in corners, piled in tall, flaky drifts against
the walls, and populated the dust-bunny homesteads beneath your bed. Discarded
relationships, attitudes, forgotten friendships, unhealthy habits–they
all lie pell-mell around your apartment, office, and gym. You’ve forgotten
what color the floor was under all that mess. I know you’re exhausted from
your great efforts. But you’re not done; those bad habits and failed philosophies
still litter your existence, even if they’re not currently in use. That’s
like kicking heroin but leaving needles and paraphernalia everywhere. Get that
shit out of your house, already, before you’re buried in it.



Gemini (May
21-June 20)



You’re
not used to being resented. You’re generally so laidback, easygoing, and
friendly that when people–despite your mellow attitude–take offense,
it catches you off guard. Unfortunately, people are likely to take most of what
you say in exactly the wrong way this week. That’s the shitty news, that
you’ll have to deal with a lot of undeserved shade and pissiness. The good
news, however, is that all the slights and social punishments you’re subjected
to are likely to have unexpected beneficial fallout–more reward than you’d
ever have gotten if all had gone according to plan.



Cancer (June
21-July 22)



The best
thing I can say is at least you won’t be alone for a while. The company
you’re keeping may not currently fulfill you in every way, but you’re
not lonely
. After spending many a lonely hour this past year, that, at least,
should be welcome news. Okay, it’s hardly a best-case scenario. But it’s
not like you’re trapped; you can easily extricate yourself whenever you
like. Meanwhile, there are plenty of great things going on, and with a little
work, maybe there’ll be a few more. Stick it out for a while, without making
any insane commitments. See what happens. Maybe your current thing will bloom
into Prince(ss) Charming. If not, you can always run off with him or her when
s/he finally shows up.




Caeriel@yahoo.com


This week’s horoscope.

Written by None - Do not Delete on . Posted in Posts.



You’re
too strong to worry about this shit. So that you don’t mistake this week’s
piddling obstacles as actual problems, pretend your various adversaries, enemies
and unwell-wishers aren’t trying to crush you or trip you up; they’re
just trying to make you laugh. You’re that powerful–so mighty that
their various attempts to mess up your shit can only be jokes. For you to pay
notice to them as if they deserved your attention–or worse, to be bothered
by them–only demeans you. So laugh. Throw back your head and guffaw as
if all their cherry bombs, collection notices and knives in the back are just
delightful good fun.





Virgo
(Aug. 23-Sept. 22)



Being a
writer, I love language. I especially adore those words that somehow seem like
what they are, like awkward and moist. Can you seem like what
you are, Virgo? There’s long been a disconnect between how people perceive
you and how you perceive yourself. Yet I believe it’s in your power–and
best interest–to unmistakably radiate what you’re all about, thereby
increasing your likelihood to attract what (and who) you need to attract. You’ll
also vanquish people’s illusions about you before they have a chance to
be disappointed. Be like sizzle and sound like what you are this week,
so people get it, finally.





Libra
(Sept. 23-Oct. 22)



I love that
the "superheroes" in The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen
are limited and flawed. Too many of the supernaturally endowed characters in
popular fiction are too powerful; they’re not challenged by anything short
of equally puissant supervillains. The truth is, most heroes are painfully imperfect
and hardly omnipotent; most times they’re average humans in extreme situations.
I like that. I also like that so many acts of heroism are performed quietly,
without fanfare or self-aggrandizement. Still, since you’ve been so generous
in invisibly doling out your own laudable labors, you deserve some credit. So,
thanks. Some of us know what you’re doing, and we appreciate it.





Scorpio
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)



African
women of the Kikuyu and Luo tribes are able to carry up to a fifth of their
body weight on their heads with absolutely no increase in energy consumption
(most other creatures’ calorie-burning would increase 20 percent). Even
when they carry greater loads (they’re able to transport up to 70 percent
of their own body weight), they’re way more efficient than the rest of
us. You, too, have developed a similar talent–although the loads you carry
with no seeming effort are all mental and spiritual, not physical. There’s
no need to be a martyr about it, but there’s also no need to only carry
half of the burdens you share with others in your life. Take on more, if you
feel up to it, and when your loved ones ask why, tell them: "Because I
can."





Sagittarius
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)



You’re
slicker than an oil spill right now. That’s not necessarily an enviable
state. Too many people already regard you as a devastating natural disaster,
and dread letting you near their boyfriends, girlfriends or children, for fear
of having to scrub away the residue of that encounter with a Q-tip for months
to come. How can you minimize your environmental impact? Without being facile:
by cleaning up your act. I don’t mean sacrificing all the ideals you’ve
espoused for so long, but I believe you’re ready and able to actually take
on some of the responsibility and commitment you’ve been avoiding, without
losing any of those values. Do so this week–and people will welcome you
into their lives, not shun you from them.



Capricorn
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)



You may
wish for a Comfort Assistant, someone who’d discreetly follow you around
attending to your every need. In addition to making sure you always had a delicious
beverage on hand and that the ambient temperature was delightful, they’d
perform a variety of other duties: You’d get foot massages every time you
sat down. They’d intercept those you loathe, so you’d never have to
directly deal with them. Pillows and genitalia would be ably fluffed before
your use of them. However wonderful all this may sound, I can’t help thinking
it’d get tiresome after a while (albeit a long while). Because life is
about doing stuff, don’t shirk any pie you can stick your fingers into.
When it comes to either being uncomfortable or not experiencing anything at
all, choose the former, not the latter.





Aquarius
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)



Clumsiness
is your worst enemy this week. It sucks to be in danger of defeat by your own
potential ineptitude, but it can’t be denied; nothing the world can throw
at you can do more damage right now than your two left feet. Therefore, watch
your step, Water Bearer. I’m not even that worried about you; you’re
resilient. You’ll eventually recuperate from any missteps you make now–but
will the people and things you break recover once you’ve crashed into them?
Move slowly and carefully right now–if you can’t handle that, just
stand still until I tell you it’s safe to move again.





Pisces
(Feb. 19-March 20)



At first,
when parts of your world started running backward, it was an awkward transition.
How to resolve this clock with that one, running in reverse? (Forget
arriving on time anywhere.) Lately, however, with enough of your world
now turned on its head–at least 51 percent, to be exact–it’s
all the shit that’s still running the old way that’s out of place.
Your new reality is the dominant one, so stop trying to maintain your old habits.
They’ll no longer do you enough good to justify themselves. One of these
habits–a repulsive dinosaur of a habit–will fight this, to the death.
Fuck it. No, better yet–just kill the damn thing. It’s long past time
it went extinct.





Aries
(March 21-April 19)



I’ve
been obsessed with redecorating my kitchen. For a week now, I’ve spent
every spare waking minute gently negotiating the room from disaster to divine
functionality. My all-consuming drive has reminded me of you, Aries–especially
the way it leaves me exhausted and without any emotional or physical slack.
There are ways and ways, Aries, and your self-designated deadlines aren’t
doing anyone any good–especially when they leave you so incapacitated you
can’t work for days. Isn’t it better to have five days a week at 80
percent than two at 110 percent?





Taurus
(April 20-May 20)



If you have
any superficial tendencies, you’d best at least temporarily discard them
now–because the person you need the most so doesn’t look like you
wish they did. If you can’t shed your prejudices more easily than they
can shed their skin, you’re in big trouble, because it means you’ll
have to go without the food that best nourishes you for a year, or longer. If,
however, you can turn a blind eye to the petty value systems you were programmed
with ages back, you’ll get as spiritually fat as your new lover or teacher
just may be, in the flesh.





Gemini
(May 21-June 20)



Somehow
whenever I buy prefab furniture (I know; I deserve whatever I get), there are
always about two screws missing from the box. I discover this near the end,
when I suddenly have to decide which screws are the least integral to the overall
design. Which can I leave out without the whole thing collapsing? You’ve
got a similar challenge. You have only enough pieces to mostly put together
the reality you’ve been constructing for yourself. Now you must decide
which two elements you can leave out without everything just falling apart.





Cancer
(June 21-July 22)



Your ability
to tell the truth is at an all-time high. I’m not talking your usual crystal
clarity, frankly revealing what you’re all about; I’m referring to
your ability to tell the truth–and, by inference, the untruth–of what
others are saying. This integrity instinct will come in the form of gut
feelings or other visible omens that must be heeded if you’re to receive
any benefit at all from my horoscope–even if they fly in the face of your
rational intelligence, the advice of your friends, or your compassion. In other
words, giving someone the benefit of the doubt could be the worst thing you
could possibly do right now. Trust your gut!





Caeriel@yahoo.com


This week’s horoscope.

Written by None - Do not Delete on . Posted in Posts.



Bide your
time, baby. Save your strength. This first week of your birthday month promises
to be a fun one, but you’ll soon learn it’s nothing compared to the
next two. Don’t blow your wad now–you’d regret it after the Leo
New Moon on the 29th, when you’ll want every bit of juju and mojo you’ve
been storing up. Cash in your chips then, when the payoff will be exponentially
more than the modicum of amusement you’d receive now. Yes, yes, be present–enjoy
yourself in the moment. All I’m saying is don’t burn out so you end
up sitting out when the party really gets going.




Virgo
(Aug. 23-Sept. 22)



The hens
have finally come home to roost. Okay, they haven’t yet arrived, but you
can see them on the horizon, clucking and pecking and working their way back
to the coop. So be patient, and by all means resist the tangibly growing temptation
to count your chickens before they hatch. In my metaphor, the poultry represents
that project you’ve been putting every spare scrap of energy, attention
and time into. But just because you’ve successfully enticed all those finicky
fowl doesn’t mean they’re automatically going to lay eggs. So don’t
get cocky. You’ve got one more hungry fox to catch and kill before you
have anything to crow about.




Libra
(Sept. 23-Oct. 22)



Whether
or not you have a soulmate (or five, or hundreds) out there I don’t know.
I’ll leave that debate to you. I’m just here to ground your vision
a little, because too often people who believe in that stuff leave it all to
chance. Unfortunately, most of us are just not that lucky. Usually you have
to work to find your soulmate. Even, if by some extraordinary chance
you meet some perfect prince(ss) charming in some destiny-evoking way, there’ll
be work involved, eventually. The other shoe will drop. Stop waiting
for, expecting, or even hoping for perfection. Nothing’s perfect–count
that among your blessings. Perfection is a lot of pressure. Take the
imperfections and run with them. Given a chance, you’ll realize that they’re
more perfect than perfect could ever be.




Scorpio
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)



You’re
virtually impossible to get over. Believe me, I know; I doubt I’ll ever
be completely over the two big loves of my life (both Scorpios). The marks
you leave are mostly indelible, whether they’re scars from blows you’ve
struck, or love bites. You can’t help it, which sucks for you. I’ve
known Scorpios who’ve cloistered themselves to keep from involuntarily
hurting anyone. Unfortunately that doesn’t help–people are just as
likely to injure themselves by running into the walls outside your self-created
monastic retreat, trying to get to you. So don’t try in vain to hide your
pheromonally charged combustible attractiveness from the world. Get out there
and use it. If you want my experience-informed two cents, it hurts a lot less
to run into your open arms (even if it means getting pushed away) than into
your unfeeling back.




Sagittarius
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)



This week
is so unromantic. There’ll be no red roses, no candlelit dinners, no scented
lingerie. So fucking what? You’ve got something better. Don’t mourn
that cheesy crap, not when you could have copious amounts of frank discussion
about anything and everything that crosses your mind. People have rarely been
this eager to candidly engage you with back-to-back heart-to-hearts. Use this
rare and ultimately amazing opportunity. You’ll soon discover that getting
and giving honest answers to longstanding questions can be more romantic than
a heart-shaped hot tub could ever be.



Capricorn
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)



You may
not have the first-glance impact of some of the other signs. But you do have
something else–increased desirability relative to a person’s experience.
That is, with each spin someone takes around the block, you get hotter. It’s
sort of like reverse beer goggles; as illusions and self-deceptions get stripped
away, the brand of consistency and reliability (and undercover sexual vigor)
you represent becomes more and more appealing. That’s good news for you
Caps, who are often lonelier than most; when you do get some interest–like
you may this week–you can be assured, it’s as real as it gets.




Aquarius
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)



Georgina
Beyer is one of my heroes. She rolled into Carterton, one of New Zealand’s
most rural, conservative hick towns, as a Maori transsexual ex-prostitute and
shortly thereafter she was mayor. A few years after that, she became the parliamentary
representative for that district, chosen by a largely white, conservative electorate.
The reason? Her candor and accessibility. From the get-go, she owned up to who
she was and who she’d been. That’s the only way for you to go, Aquarius.
Don’t hide anything about where you’ve been and what you’ve done.
I mean it. Don’t hide anything.




Pisces
(Feb. 19-March 20)



Right now,
you’re kicking yourself for having such bad timing, for starting that new
venture at a time when you apparently weren’t psychologically prepared
for it. You’ve been questioning whether your rapidly increasing mental
backpedal is a reaction to your frontier exploration or just an unfortunate
coincidence. It sucks, regardless, because it’s hard to forge new territory
when you’re fearful, lazy, undisciplined or all three. The good news is
you’re not allergic to the unknown. The bad news–exterior forces are
influencing you to have adverse reactions to it. Still, that bad news can be
good news–it’s nothing you have to get over, just something to push
through. Don’t cave and give up. Forge ahead.




Aries
(March 21-April 19)



I was at
an event a couple weeks ago (thrown by an elusive veteran underground-party-throwing
collective called Rubulad) that reminded me of you, Aries. People got half-price
admission for wearing costumes. That kind of monetary encouragement of active
participation instead of voyeuristic observation is right up your alley. You’re
sick of people only being half-there (or less). Your philosophy is, if you’re
going to do it, really do it. Start brainstorming ways to get people
to truly go there (Hint: Try making it harder for them not to) and practice
on the people who really need it. I’m not one; I only paid $5 to get in
that night.




Taurus
(April 20-May 20)



What you
need is someone who wants–nay, needs–to give you exactly what
you crave. It’s all well and good to find a companion who’s willing
to provide what you ask for (often as part of a mutual benefits bargain) but
somehow that’s not as satisfying as finding the person who absolutely requires
being able to scratch exactly where you itch. See? I get the concept. But I
urge you: Rethink it. Imagine this: That person can be "created."
Desire can be taught. Willingness is a good enough start–given patience
and enthusiastic encouragement, it can easily blossom into full-fledged desire.
It’s way more fun to get satisfaction this way than to endure the years
of searching and waiting required to find someone who already knows how to give
you exactly what you need.




Gemini
(May 21-June 20)



Biting your
tongue hurts so bad you rarely do it. You don’t have time, patience or
tolerance for self-censorship. As you know all too well, that gets you into
trouble more often than not. That’s why you’re lucky when you get
to enjoy weeks like this one, where your honesty and tactlessness create positive
effects that outweigh the negative ones at least two to one. Speak out, you
silver-tongued vixen. Charm, chastise, compliment and criticize with absolute
license. Nothing you say can hurt you more than a slap on the face, and will
ultimately get you more respect than contempt.




Cancer
(June 21-July 22)



My Saturn
Returns is kicking my ass. Saturn Returns happens when the planet revisits the
spot it occupied when you were born (which usually takes about 29 and a half
years). Saturn makes you confront pressing unanswered questions, or face repressed
fears. But you already knew that, on some level; with Saturn reigning from your
sign, you’re getting at least an echo of all those phenomena in your own
life. People emerge from their Saturn Returns in their early 30s stronger, wiser,
more directed and self-actualized than ever. When your close brush with Saturn
is over, what will you emerge with?




Caeriel@yahoo.com


This week’s horoscope.

Written by None - Do not Delete on . Posted in Posts.



How far
have you come, Cancer? Another birthday’s gone by; it’s time to honestly
assess the distances you’ve traveled–mentally, spiritually, or even
in practical terms like location or career–since this time last year. It
might be disheartening if you discover that you’re more or less in the
same place. That’s one of the tricky challenges of being a Cancer; you’re
rocked by such dramatic internal fluxes, you can’t always tell which way
you’re going. There’s a way to remedy that, though. Set a goal. Vagueness
is your enemy here. Pick a destination, an island to swim toward regardless
of the turbulent state of your emotions. Soon you’ll finally stop treading
water and start getting somewhere.




LEO (July
23-Aug. 22)



Your belief-driven
supertalents are waxing, Leo. It’s an uncommon thing, to think yourself
into a better place, and you’ve rarely been better at it than you are now.
You can literally heal yourself–mentally and in many cases physically–with
the power of your thoughts. You also have the exceptional ability to attract
exactly what you need, in exactly the right amounts, merely by clearly visualizing,
articulating, and asking for it. Not bad, eh? Most people have to jump through
many more hoops to get what they want. Your hoops are unbelievably few. Start
hopping through them, already.




VIRGO
(Aug. 23-Sept. 22)



Artist Taryn
Simon’s current work, entitled The Innocents, documents the lives
of people who served time for crimes they didn’t commit. She questions
photography’s use as eyewitness accounts, because wrongful convictions
often occur from a victim’s response to photographs and lineups during
law enforcement’s identification process. Images can blur the line between
possible fiction and remembered truth, with dire consequences for the innocent
people who are convicted as a result. Virgo, what you really think, feel, and
remember is being skewed by local forces and concepts. Strip them away to reveal
your true desires, before someone (like you) has to pay a price he shouldn’t
have to afford.




LIBRA
(Sept. 23-Oct. 22)



You’re
behind bulletproof one-way glass right now, Libra, which is both empowering
and limiting. You could turn on the lights and expose yourself to the world,
but you might not be able to see who’s actually witnessing you. Or you
could watch surreptitiously and invisibly from behind your metaphorical mirror.
Is it more important to you to understand how others work, or to have them see
what’s going on inside you? The obvious good news is that you’re in
a prime position to safely have either possibility. The bad news is you can’t
have both; you have to choose.




SCORPIO
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)



You define
equality flexibly. In fact, you rarely subject yourself to the same standards
as those you apply to your intimates. Your philosophy, "different strokes
for different folks," works for you because you know that what might be
right for you may not be right for some, and vice versa. Happily, you have an
unparalleled ability to get people to accept your seeming double standards (It’s
surprising how many Scorps get their lovers to agree to: "I’m allowed
to sleep around, but you’re not."). However, that power is your Achilles
heel. Use it responsibly. When negotiating the different rules of your relationships,
make sure they at least balance out in the end, even if all the specifics are
different, because I promise: Whatever unfairnesses you get away with now will
come around to bite you in the ass later–and it’ll hurt.



SAGITTARIUS
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)



Nature’s
power thrills me. Blizzards, thunderstorms and heat waves all give me a hard-on.
But I admit my love for climactic extremes is made possible by the buffering
privilege of a warm blaze in the fireplace, a sturdy roof over my head or an
air conditioner. You’re the same way. You crave danger, adventure and hardship–but
only because you’re lucky enough to be protected from their worst-case
scenarios. Recognize the nets between you and the hard, unforgiving bottom of
the barrel, and instead of turning up your nose at those whose risks seem
superficially less than yours (but in reality are much more dangerous, due to
their lack of safety gear), admire their courage instead.




CAPRICORN
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)



In your
private battles between sentimentality and profit, the latter almost always
wins. Most Caps will gladly sell their childhood toys on eBay if there’s
enough money in it. Contrast that with those packrat Cancers who wouldn’t
part with their ragged teddy bears for a million bucks–literally. You actually
have much in common with your average Cancer, though; neither of you usually
lives in the present moment. While they’re busy nostalgically rehashing
their pasts, you’re avidly planning your exciting future. Rewrite your
experience of life. Don’t make the mistake of occupying the opposite extreme
and clinging to all the tattered remnants of your distant past, though. Instead,
simply enjoy the teddy bears you have right now. You will, after all, be selling
them soon enough.




AQUARIUS
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)



Make yourself
up to look like you’ve recently suffered a black eye or a fat lip. You’ve
got to find some way (dark humor works) of letting people know where you’re
at. You’ve been getting so beat up by the universe–but those marks
don’t show. Wearing some visible bruises is a tangible signal to the people
who love you that you’re in need of some extra nurture, guidance and sanctuary.
Sound good? Whip out the eyeliner and blue eyeshadow and give yourself a shiner.
All that stuff will fly your way soon enough.




PISCES
(Feb. 19-March 20)



Even you
notoriously kind Pisceans have had incidents in which you’ve accidentally
made someone cry. The worst part is, those who’ve suffered have often deserved
it least. How you’ve wished that misery on your bastard ex who fucked you
over, instead of your good buddy whose straw broke your camel’s back! I
mention this because your famously long fuse is burning dangerously close to
the bomb. Be careful with whom you interact this week. It’d be a shame
if someone you loved pushed you over that edge and got burned in an explosion
they didn’t deserve.




ARIES
(March 21-April 19)



Heartache
never ends. You know this. You also know that it’s simply the flip side
of the coin whose other face brings some of life’s chief pleasures. While
it’s true that you can’t have the good stuff without the bad, you
can unfortunately get stuck with the shittiness for years and experience simply
none of the loveliness. It’s dangerously simple, really: All you have to
do is to cynically stop believing the loveliness is even possible, and just
like that, it’s not, anymore. Sucks, don’t it? Since you’re so
close to that line of perpetual misery (you may even have just crossed over),
turn back now, darling, please. Your next big love may be hard to find and forever
in coming, but it’ll come–as long as you don’t disavow its existence.




TAURUS
(April 20-May 20)



For the
first time ever, scientists have discovered a solar system that’s potentially
similar to ours, revolving around a star dubbed HD 70642, about 90 light years
from Earth. Out of the 100-plus extrasolar planets we’ve discovered so
far, none of their systems had more-or-less circular orbits like ours. This
is the first we’ve found that could very well contain an Earth-like, life-sustaining
planet. Now that humanity’s finally taken this scientific step toward recognizing
there may be life out there we can relate to, won’t you? You’ve been
alone way too long. There’s relatable life in the universe, Taurus, and
it’s not light years away. It might even be right next door. Go find it.




GEMINI
(May 21-June 20)



Geminis
are never dumb. You may not all be geniuses, but you’re almost always
some of the sharper tools in the shed. That’s why it’s so easy for
you to get judgmental about the idiots you encounter. Unfortunately, those morons
are probably not as ridiculously thick as they first appeared, and could actually
have more to teach you than you think. Give people the benefit of the doubt
this week. The next time someone asks you, "How come I no think much good?"
do your best to help them, not make fun of them.




Caeriel@yahoo.com


This Week’s Horoscope.

Written by None - Do not Delete on . Posted in Posts.



You have
a thing for Capricorns. Admit it. It’s kind of a love-hate magnetic attraction,
like you despise them but want to jump their bones or smother them with kisses
anyway. Luckily, it’s mutual–they pretend (or even think) that they
can’t stand all that moist attention, but deep down they’d be sad
if it wasn’t there. Luckily, this week, you can both not only admit it,
but enjoy it, with a minimum of eye rolling and snappishness, especially between
the 11th and 14th. It may not be exactly harmonious, but it should still be
fun.




Leo (July
23-Aug. 22)



What happened
to you, Leo? You’re not becoming a Virgo, are you? You’re usually
a big believer in imperfections. The cracks in the wall are what make it interesting,
not the smooth expanses in between. You know this; you live your life by making
big sweeping, dramatic efforts, without getting too caught up in the details,
which you trust to sort themselves out. So why are you becoming so obsessed
with making this project perfect? You’ll just screw it up trying.
Go for beautiful, dramatic, expressive–but don’t bother with boring
old perfect.




Virgo
(Aug. 23-Sept. 22)



My neighborhood
has terrible cell phone reception. I commonly spot dozens of people standing
outside on the sidewalk trying to converse via their tiny mobile phones. All
this effort makes me think of you. You don’t know it yet, but you’re
just out of range of the kind of attention you want to receive. That invisible
zone is just a few steps to your right, or maybe your left. Well, I don’t
know exactly where it is, but it’s close; start moving around, whispering
your mantra ("Can you hear me now?") and soon you’ll have at
least four bars of loving and crystal-clear sweet nothings, right in your ear.




Libra
(Sept. 23-Oct. 22)



Whether
you sign on to Friendster or just lay it out on a piece of paper, I want you
to list all the people you know this week, and the people they know (that you
know about). It’s important that you see how you affect the world, without
even trying–just by being. Everything you do is rippled out through
your friends, to their friends, to their friends, and so on. Get my drift yet,
Libra? I’m doing my best to counteract your absolutely false self-denigration.
All I’m trying to say, really, is there’s no way you could not
matter, no matter how hard you tried. You’ve already irrevocably changed
our world–almost entirely for the better. We, the friends of your friends’
friends, thank you. Now thank yourself.




Scorpio
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)



You may
wish you could just hit SAVE this week, in real life instead of on your computer.
That way you could start over if things went sour. I wish you could, too. You’re
at that point where you’ve done pretty well so far, but if you continue
to try to finish the task at hand–whether it’s an actual project,
a conversation or a marriage proposal–you could really screw things up.
Of course, you can’t really leave things half done; you’ve got to
finish the job. Take a deep breath, plunge in and remember: You have every chance
of failing miserably and irredeemably, but you also have every chance of success
that equals your wildest dreams.




Sagittarius
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)



Your realm
of the possible just shrank, didn’t it? Poor thing. Accepting new limitations
is always hard. Lose a foot, and it may seem like your days as a long-distance
runner are gone forever. Rest assured that, despite the wall you’ve hit,
there are ways beyond your new constraints. You just can’t see them yet,
because you have to mourn your foot first (or whatever it was you lost). Once
you’ve finished suffering thoroughly, your brain will finally begin to
see options that it refused to look at before. (For example, prostheses are
super high-tech and badass now.) Yes, things suck for the moment, but you’ll
be running marathons again, I promise. You just need a little time.




Capricorn
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)



People are
judgmental about being judgmental. How dare you have rigid standards, or stick
to your first impressions of someone? They’re so quick to condemn you for
your occasional lack of tolerance, Cap. Fuck ’em. Tolerance isn’t
always a good thing. It has its place, and it’s probably better to err
on that side of things, but trusting your gut and acting on it is important,
too, even if it’s not politically correct. Since your instincts are in
profound disagreement with most of those around you this week, stick to your
guns. Trust your judgment. Don’t fold like a house of cards. Sometimes,
it’s good to be flexible. Other times, like this week, it’s better
to simply be right.




Aquarius
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)



You’re
a Swiss Army knife covered in rust. You have tools to address all your current
(thankfully extremely minor) predicaments; you just can’t get to them.
They’re all fused together and unusable. So what? So you drop the ball
on a couple of dinky dilemmas. Don’t start rethinking long-held self-perceptions
and replacing them with a version of you that’s inept or ineffectual. You
are, in fact, one of the most versatile and capable people around (along with
the Sags and Caps that precede you). You’re just having a bad week. Do
your best, but when things go screwy, just shrug, let it go and walk away. Before
you know it, your tools will again be rust-free, shiny and ready for use.




Pisces
(Feb. 19-March 20)



You don’t
get the autograph thing. Why do people even want some crappy piece of paper
with a hastily scrawled signature on it? It’s not like the signer invested
it with any personal meaning. So who cares? Well, people do. I can’t explain
it either–why they want the things they want. Since the kinds of demands
that will be made of you this week will seem worthless and wasteful, it’s
going to take a certain amount of patience and tolerance from you. Whatever
they want, it’s worth nothing to you. Don’t aggravate yourself by
trying to understand why they want it. Just give it to them.




Aries
(March 21-April 19)



Beware of
mumblers, feinters and outright fakes this week. It’s going to be hard
to shake the feeling that you’re not quite "getting" everything
that’s going down around you–because you’re not. All you can
do is ask people to repeat themselves at least once before you smile and nod,
don’t get too freaked when things go a different way than you expected,
and half-anticipate that there might be some fibbing from anyone you meet regarding
what they do, their marital status or any other personal statistics. I don’t
want you to get all suspicious and paranoid. Just be willing to peel a layer
or two off of everything and everyone you encounter before you get naked yourself.




Taurus
(April 20-May 20)



This week
is your padded cell. That’s not to say it’ll make you insane. (Unless
you use them in your personal life, there are no straitjackets or mind-altering
substances involved.) It’s just that the world is presenting you with all
its rounded edges this week. Your reality is pillow-lined. However tempting,
don’t react with your cynical side, cutting open all the goose down and
sending feathers flying in a crazed rage. Just enjoy the fact that you’re
being shielded from some of the universe’s harsher edges. It won’t
last long–it never does. Life will get rough again. For now, enjoy
the fact that when you fall, you bounce.




Gemini
(May 21-June 20)



I dreamt
we made contact with intelligent, dog-like aliens. We had trouble communicating
with them because their language was only one-third barks and yips. Eventually,
we realized body language and scent played equal roles. I woke up and thought,
"No wonder Gemini’s not getting it!" You’re missing two-thirds
of what you need to understand what’s going on. You’ve done an admirable
job with the paltry clues you’ve been given, but a whole puzzle they do
not make. Never fear: You’ll soon have at least another third of the enigma
figured out; with that much done, the rest is easy.




Caeriel@yahoo.com


This week’s horoscope.

Written by None - Do not Delete on . Posted in Posts.



You’ll
never be immune to the shit other people throw at you, especially those you
love. There’s just no vaccination against caring, at least for you Cancerians.
That’s actually good news. Many other signs, temporarily beaten by life,
go numb, and spend whole years seeing in black and white and not feeling much
of anything. That’s not really living, as you know. So bear the pain, and
try to look at it this way: You may suffer more than most, but you’ll also
live more than most. When you die, you can look back on your life and say: "I
lived life to the fullest; I had no choice." Now, is that such a bad thing?




Leo (July
23-Aug. 22)



Your friends
might call you Quick Draw McGraw this week; your tears and laughter are on hair-triggers.
You’re normally a sentimental sap anyway, but your average Kodak commercial
is probably going to affect you like The Color Purple, and your neighbor’s
kid telling you a knock-knock joke will roll you better than The Queens of
Comedy
. There’s not much you can do about those ticklish emotions lurking
so close to the surface. So, Thin Skin, surround yourself with people (Cancers
would be good) who’ll be sensitive to your hyper-empathy, not sneer at
it.




Virgo
(Aug. 23-Sept. 22)



Although
your knack for appearing in two places at once is peaking, it’s not enough
to cover all your bases–especially the extreme emotional demands being
made on your poor, stretched-out soul, which is getting more threadbare than
Grandma’s vintage panties. Thinning out your schedule (your usual last-ditch
solution to dire circumstances) won’t cut it; more drastic measures are
in order. Unfortunately the part of your life that’s most expendable right
now is your healthy allotments of "Me Time." On the other hand, you’re
less in need of self-pampering than you have been in ages. So put down that
Harry Potter book. Take care of the people who need you more than you do.




Libra
(Sept. 23-Oct. 22)



You’ll
pass on the harlot harem or stable of studs. You’re a one wo/man guy/gal.
There’s nothing wrong with that tried-and-true (if a bit old-fashioned)
philosophy. Unfortunately you sometimes run into a cliched bit of torture: choosing
between equally tempting available lovers. Your options are obvious: Stick with
the comfortable familiarity of your current paramour, or dive in to the exciting
potentiality of the new prospect. There’s a third choice, however, and
I wanted to make a point of telling you about it, aware as I am of your traditional
sensibilities: Since this situation is one where you could ethically have your
cake and eat it, too–if you were only open to the situation that allowed
that possibility–won’t you consider not depriving yourself, and your
lover(s)?




Scorpio
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)



Unlike those
slightly prudish Librans, you’d kill for a bevy of fuckable beauties at
your beck and call. That’s not to say you’re not loyal once you’ve
committed to someone (au contraire, you’re in the zodiac top-three in that
department), but between Someones you’re only too happy to sow whole fields
of wild oats. That’s why I’m so pleased about this week’s astrological
forecast: You’re likely to have as many horny helpers as you could want.
If you’re already happily chained to someone, they’re likely to show
you at least two new aspects of themselves, in bed and out. Either way, you
win.




Sagittarius
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)



Sagittarians
are often drawn to extreme sports–not because you have a death wish, but
because you have a life wish. You never want to feel like living is just waiting
to die. In order to remind yourself what life’s all about, you feel the
need to walk the edge of the other side, so you can relish being on this side
all the more. Luckily, this week, you’re likely to discover a new thrill
that helps you remember what being 100 percent awake and alive is all about,
and it doesn’t involve jumping from a plane, swimming with sharks, or playing
in traffic. This one doesn’t entail your putting your life on the line
at all–just your heart, your sanity, or both.




Capricorn
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)



You’ll
simply be unrecognizable in the coming weeks, as gushing emotions rage out of
control in a way that’s entirely atypical for you–which is part of
the problem. Damming feelings and only allowing small trickles to visibly escape
into the outside world creates a reservoir of unexpressed emotion, just waiting
to burst free. Eventually, that barrier fractures, causing a nervous breakdown,
or at least major drama, destroying most of the fragile structures you’d
repressed the feelings to create in the first place. If your dam ruptures, ride
the flood (since resisting it will only make things worse). If it doesn’t,
accept the fact that it inevitably will–unless you diligently spend the
next few months developing pressure-release valves, conduits for those emotions
to get out without knocking things apart.




Aquarius
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)



Your craving
for junk food just tripled. You might find yourself at the grocery store filling
your cart with corn dogs, corned beef and candy corn. This perplexing fixation
on foods that are bad for you is related to a spiritual ailment. Your soul is
aching for comfort, sweetheart, and seeking solace in the fatty arms of candy
bars and candied yams is the only outlet you’re letting it have. Unless
you want to balloon up during a self-denigrating downward spiral, I suggest
you seek some other forms of spiritual nourishment, and fast–because Ben
& Jerry’s is awfully convenient.




Pisces
(Feb. 19-March 20)



I’ve
been witnessing Pisces putting on collars lately. I attribute this to your deep
craving for simplified choices. If you "belong" to someone, even in
your own head, it limits all that devastating, overwhelming freedom. Are you
crazy!? I can understand being exhausted by picking between plentiful paths,
but this is what you’ve been working for: absolute freedom, or as close
to it as you can realistically come. Now that you’re here, why do you want
to submit to the constraints of a restricted reality again? Don’t doubt
yourself. You have the strength, will and ingenuity to brave the rigors of frontier
spiritual territory. Don’t return to the compromised existence you led
before you conceived of your own manifest destiny.




Aries
(March 21-April 19)



You’re
in a kind of etheric hall of mirrors. You keep bumping into various versions
of yourself–this one fat, this one wiry, this one blurred beyond all recognition–and
getting yourself totally turned around. Now you don’t know which way is
out, up, or in–never a good state for you poor Rams, who like to point
yourselves in a certain direction and charge. That tactic won’t work here,
or for another month or so at least, so it’s time to brainstorm new strategies,
ones that won’t involve broken mirrors (and the requisite bad luck that
accompanies them).




Taurus
(April 20-May 20)



Give the
cherry tree one more chance, one more season, to bear fruit before you chop
it down. You planted that tree in your fertile soul-soil ages ago. By all rights,
it should be sweetly feeding you and your friends by now. There’s a reason
why it hasn’t, though: you. There’s only one limiting factor between
you and the delicious bounty that should be yours. The reason you haven’t
found and eliminated it yet is because you haven’t been looking for it.
This week, figure out exactly what you’re doing to hold yourself back;
once you do, it’ll be a cinch to just stop doing it.




Gemini
(May 21-June 20)



Even the
arms of your lover, mother or best friend won’t feel that comforting right
now. That’s because you’re growing up, Gemini. That doesn’t mean
you can never take refuge in those arms again–you just can’t right
now. Those people will never deny you, but you must inevitably deny yourself,
so you can develop the self-nurturing skills you need. You’re supposed
to be the most versatile of signs, dammit, and that means being able to give
as good as you get. Be strong and self-reliant, Gemini. Don’t return to
familiar sanctuaries until the solace you can provide yourself is at least 90
percent as good as what you get from your mom.




Caeriel@yahoo.com


This week’s horoscope.

Written by None - Do not Delete on . Posted in Posts.



While he
was in dress rehearsal for a stage production of The Three Musketeers,
my roommate’s car almost got stolen. Luckily, one of the stagehands glimpsed
the theft-in-progress and alerted the cast, who immediately rushed out to the
parking lot, all bedecked in capes and foils, and surrounded the vehicle, swords
pointed at the bewildered bandit, trapping him inside until the amused police
arrived. Since you’re all dressed to play a hero, why not live the role?
Something very precious and important to you is about to be absconded with.
Rush out to its rescue, your comrades-in-arms at your side, and don’t let
the heart-burglar escape until s/he’s returned the stolen goods and been
safely locked away.




Leo (July
23-Aug. 22)



Sometimes
it seems like the more self-actualized you get, the more single you are. There’s
a grain of truth to this, but only a grain, even if it seems like much more.
Let me explain. All that self-knowledge is holding you back from most
relationships, because it’s limiting your ability to settle for just anyone,
to accept unreasonable compromises just so you don’t have to be alone.
The more you don’t mind being alone with your lovely self, the less likely
you are to make room for anyone who won’t add to your life. Be patiently
alert, sweet Leo. All the so-so suitors in the world could never fill you up,
but the magnificent dreamboat you’re waiting for will come, eventually.
When s/he does, you’ll know and, hopefully, be ready.




Virgo
(Aug. 23-Sept. 22)



Walking
along minding your own business may not be enough to stay out of trouble this
week. Determined passersby are likely to stick out legs to trip you or toss
slippery banana peels underfoot. Now that I’ve warned you, you have a pretty
good chance of avoiding a nasty spill. However, if it happens anyway, don’t
make a big scene; that cloud’s likely to have a silver lining. I don’t
want to give away the surprise, but I will say this: Sometimes you have to fall,
just to see who comes along to help you get back up.




Libra
(Sept. 23-Oct. 22)



Last night
I hung out with two other writers. We compared notes on our various works-in-progress,
and commiserated about how challenging bookwriting is. Even though it wasn’t
concretely useful, it felt good to share the trials and tribulations of writing
my sci-fi novel with people who might understand. Then I thought of you, Libra.
Like me, too much of what you do happens in isolation. Even though it’s
good work for you, it can be lonely or frustrating. This week, find some fellows
suffering in the same boat as you and talk shop over a cold drink. I guarantee
you’ll go back to work refreshed and more recharged than you have been
in a long time.




Scorpio
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)



You can
stop dangling your suffering and deep, philosophical misery as bait for unwise
do-gooder prey. If catching the unwary in the steel jaws of your malign mental
traps is your only agenda right now, you’ll be deeply disappointed this
week. And hungry, too. The lurk-and-pounce strategy just stopped working, and
won’t be effective for at least another month, so it’s time to consider
a new method of filling any potential gaps in your life. I can’t advise
you on what will work best, but I can tell you this: Self-destructive tendencies
are at a yearlong low right now, so anything that banks on people doing what’s
not good for them won’t be successful–but the opposite could work
wonders.




Sagittarius
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)



You’re
as multi-layered as an onion, as fresh as a new apple and as nutritious and
good for those around you as broccoli. Too bad most people lately have been
focusing on the worst of you, assuming that you’ll make them cry, spoil
everything you touch and be a bad-tasting obligation. Sadly, there’s not
much you can do, Sag. Overcoming people’s presuppositions and judgments
about you is hard, no matter how incorrect they are, since they won’t let
you close enough to change their minds. Therefore, this week focus on stuff
that will make you shine from a distance. If your actions are big, bold and
impressive enough, you’ll draw people to you despite their negative first
impressions.




Capricorn
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)



You’re
not the least emotional sign in the zodiac, but you are the least expressive
of those emotions. That’s why you have trouble resolving the pity-party
your ruling planet, Saturn, is having over in the mushy sign of Cancer with
the chatty planet, Mercury. You’re likely to catch yourself whining and
complaining about the most ridiculous things whenever you’re not paying
attention and keeping your brattiest side strictly in check. Don’t hate
yourself for this only slightly obnoxious behavior. Frankly, everyone has to
vent sometimes. I think most people around you, instead of being annoyed that
you’re bitching, will be relieved that you’re human, just like them.




Aquarius
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)



I almost
don’t want to write you a horoscope this week, because it might give you
the wrong idea. You’re flying so low under almost everyone’s radar
right now that you’re not likely to get much attention or energy from anyone
you don’t force yourself on. This could be a rough adjustment after the
last few weeks, when people couldn’t stop focusing on you, even when you
weren’t around. Don’t worry, that unhealthy cycle of obsession/neglect
will end soon–right after people get done ignoring you for a while. Don’t
fight it. Just do your own thing and try not to take it personally when your
phone doesn’t ring for a few days.




Pisces
(Feb. 19-March 20)



Negative
thinking doesn’t have to be bad. For instance, when you’re making
a block print, you have to focus on all the stuff you don’t want
in the final print, so you can carve it away, leaving only the good stuff. In
that spirit, engage in a little reflection on your most, let’s say, unconstructive
qualities. Only by noticing them and clearly defining them will you ever be
able to rid yourself of them. It’s imperative that you do so, since the
tight spaces you’ll deeply desire to slip into later this summer will require
that you be at your leanest and most baggage-free state.




Aries
(March 21-April 19)



All your
challenges–even the petty irritating ones–are actually opportunities
to show off just how patient and enlightened you’ve become. In the grand
scheme of things, nothing truly bad will happen to you this week. In fact, most
of what you’ll experience will ultimately be more positive than negative.
You simply may have trouble seeing it that way, since this week’s presents
are likely to come wrapped in annoying paper. Still, assume that the gifts inside
are worth the layers of redundant and bothersome packaging and tear through
it instead of refusing them altogether. You’ll be at least a little glad
you did.




Taurus
(April 20-May 20)



"Something’s
not quite right." That sentiment will haunt you all week. As you navigate
various situations, your subconscious may nag you with the perception that your
fly is open, your shoelaces are untied or there’s spinach in your teeth.
Unfortunately, your ability to nail down and identify exactly what might be
wrong is at a barrel-bottom-scraping low. The bad news is, you can look forward
to a couple weeks of hearing about all the gaffes you made without quite noticing.
The good news: If you don’t spend your whole week fruitlessly trying to
track down and prevent your mistakes, the work you can do in spite of them will
absolutely eclipse them.




Gemini
(May 21-June 20)



You’re
not naturally a politician. Kissing babies and shaking hands on the campaign
trail feels contrived. This is when that Twin versatility comes in handy. Since
you can’t totally avoid the slightly odious tasks you’re required
to do, dredge the back rooms of your multiple personality disorder and whip
out those lesser-used personae who might actually be good at what you have to
do. Yes, your tasks (and the parts of you that get off on doing them) are somewhat
tedious, but believe me: Showing off, yet again, how cleverly endowed and multifaceted
you are can only help your reputation, not hurt it.




Caeriel@yahoo.com


This Week’s Horoscope.

Written by None - Do not Delete on . Posted in Posts.



Hell hath
no fury like a Cancer scorned. I’m certainly keeping out of your way as
your rage burns a swath of devastation across the most thickly forested areas
of your psychic landscape. Those deep woods represented some of your darkest
and most inhibitive fears; once you’ve calmed down, you’ll be able
to salt the earth with a rational resolution that comes from the deepest, truest
part of you, so those terrifying paranoid fantasies can never grow back to obstruct
your progress again. Even better than all that: When you’re done tending
to this beleaguered patch of spiritual soil you’ll see what that sinister
jungle concealed and barricaded: a clear path to the achievement of your most-often-foiled
dream, with no obstacles left but time and process.




Leo (July
23-Aug. 22)



You’re
consistent; I’ll give you that–which is why many of your friends will
be surprised when you do an attitude-about-face this week. The source of your
sudden change-of-heart: two minor visitations (either in person, on the phone,
via email, or in your dreams) from people you rarely see (but who are a lot
more important to you than you let on). Thus when the following days’ major
events occur, your usually predictable response is turned on its head–in
a good way. Your new reactions are a vast improvement over what you would’ve
done a week ago, but don’t stop there–also let the people who changed
your life know they did.




Virgo
(Aug. 23-Sept. 22)



Floor it.
Your most idealistic plans (previously nearly vanquished and dismissed by your
cynical realism) are suddenly more possible than ever before, thanks to an almost
uncharacteristic synergy between heart and mind. That expanded personal power
has opened some big barn doors of opportunity for you. Just don’t let your
sparklingly imaginative plans fizzle when an unexpected hitch (a necessary trip
or unexpected visitor) threatens to disrupt your momentum. Yes, it’s a
speed bump, but if I were you, I wouldn’t even slow down. Just put the
pedal to the metal and fly over it.




Libra
(Sept. 23-Oct. 22)



Up until
now, you’ve had trouble living up to your own standards, but this week,
what you say and what you do have just become one. The ideals you espouse are
easier than ever to embody–so easy that you’ll wonder why you’ve
never been able to match your impractically optimistic dreams of self-actualization
before. Don’t question things too intently, however–soon enough everything
will revert to previous levels of difficulty. So work it while you can; the
more practice you can get living up to your own high standards before that happens,
the better.




Scorpio
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)



Don’t
be bitter. Yeah, everyone around you is holding out their hands and receiving
manna from heaven. It’s definitely not fair that all these people should
receive windfalls and opportunities while the only thing nearly landing in your
lap is a falling chunk of blue ice from an airplane bathroom. But come on, whining
about how life’s not fair won’t get you anywhere good–on the
contrary, it might make people more likely to rub your face in your own shitty
bad luck. So buck up, Scorpio. Grin and try to feel happy for the beneficence
that’s landed everywhere but here.




Sagittarius
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)



Your rational
intellect and your irrational emotions are ganging up on your strictest internal
taskmaster like a pair of unruly schoolchildren turning after-school detention
into anarchy. Let them throw your inner dominatrix-teacher into helpless chaos;
although she’s helped you achieve certain things, she’s worse than
useless now, as she’s holding you back. Your inner nerd and prankster have
learned all they can from her restrictive school. Now it’s time to let
them run amok out in the real world without her stifling discipline. Don’t
get rid of her forever–just lock her in a room for a while. There might
be a time when you’ll need to invite her back. I’ll let you know when.




Capricorn
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)



Astrological
forces this week are conspiring to bestow heaps of blessings and free gifts
on nearly everyone (except for those Scorpios, poor kids)–but most of all
you, Capricorn. It’s almost too easy; you barely have to do anything to
deserve the cornucopia that’s coming your way. In fact, all that you need
to do to open your doors to the bounty that awaits you is, um, open your doors.
That is, create as many openings as possible for the universe to present you
with juice and juju: Buy lottery tickets, enter raffles and smile at strangers.




Aquarius
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)



Your innards
may feel like they’re tied in a knot, but that’s actually a good thing,
as different parts of your psyche conspire to help other parts with their respective
agendas. In this case, your intellect and intuition are collaborating to help
manifest your most outrageous and private fantasies (the ones you’ve been
too embarrassed to ask for before), while your usually hidden passion and semi-ignored
soul are primed to help you uncover some of the clues to the achievement of
your more worldly plans, clues your logical brain and practical connections
were too pragmatic to see.




Pisces
(Feb. 19-March 20)



Usually
you operate like a pantheon of gods: Each is individually powerful, but because
of internal theistic politics, a lot of that might and effectiveness is checked
by their forces working against and contradicting one another. The infighting
has been especially bad lately–making you so conflicted that the universe
has kicked your ass with almost no resistance the past month. All that’s
about to change, though. This week all those inner deities will be united for
a common cause: finally figuring out how to surmount your biggest, baddest,
longest-held fear–and achieve unprecedented (and lucrative) success while
doing it.




Aries
(March 21-April 19)



Your dreamy
romantic self is going to run into the most pessimistic, naysaying side of you
this week. Make them sit down for herbal tea and black coffee, respectively,
and finally come to an agreement that your whole self can get behind. Resolving
your continuing idealism with your fiery realism may be more difficult than
brokering peace in the Middle East, but it’s no less important; this is
a riddle that must be solved before you blow yourself up, and leave nothing
but rubble–certainly nothing worth fighting for. Make sure these disparate
parts of you are as comfortable and content as possible, then lock them in a
room and don’t let either one leave until every point of contention is
addressed.




Taurus
(April 20-May 20)



Expect your
inner menagerie to mostly grow this week, as the bunnies fuck the lions and
the giraffes screw the turtles, giving you a whole host of internal mutant offspring
possessing special abilities to work with. All these strange new urges and talents
could attract a host of new acquaintances, friends and lovers. Surprising? Sure,
you may feel more like a freak than you ever have before, but that’s good
for you Taureans: Maybe you’ll finally get the concept that your most unique
characteristics, no matter how odd, are also your most powerful.




Gemini
(May 21-June 20)



This week
you may feel like your mom left you in the supermarket, and couldn’t even
be bothered to have you paged over the in-store intercom. But before you let
your abandonment issues plunge you into a weeks-long depression, open your eyes
and wander the aisles a little. Yeah, your negligent nanny probably ditched
you, but you’re actually primed to meet a stranger more fulfilling and
supportive than she ever was. The bottom of your safety net may drop out, but
before you even have time to scream, you’ll land on the much more solid
floor beneath, which you never knew was there. Isn’t it worth losing a
familiar mediocre relationship, if you’re going to get one that’s
much better?




Caeriel@yahoo.com


This Week’s Horoscope.

Written by None - Do not Delete on . Posted in Posts.



The other
night, I dreamt I was directing a new horror movie called Noise about
a house that killed people using sound. I woke up loving the idea of a supernatural,
conscious house (even a malign one), and then I thought of you, and your recent
conception that less-than-benevolent forces are at work against you. No, I can’t
definitively prove that your car, apartment or elevator isn’t out
to get you. But I’d like to suggest that you’re out to get yourself,
in that peculiar form of subtle self-sabotage you’re infamous for. So the
next time you’re shocked by the "door close" button or get your
finger slammed in the car door, look for the possible poltergeist in your own
soul, not outside.




Cancer
(June 21-July 22)



Orchids’
closest relatives might be asparagus. These ancient flowers are unlike most
other blooms (although irises and daffodils are distant second cousins). They’re
like you–they look like one thing but are actually, inside, more like another.
That is, you might appear shallowly and vainly beautiful, like a perpetually
blooming flower, but you’re actually deep and nutritious, like the orchid’s
other relatives, yucca and onions. Go out and buy an orchid to nurture this
week–you need a reminder of the startling contrast between how people perceive
you and how you really are, so you never make the mistake of believing other
people’s opinions of your limitations.




Leo (July
23-Aug. 22)



Most Leos
exercise such a high degree of control over virtually every aspect of their
existences that they seek temporary asylum from their own power. It feels good
to take a break from being in charge for a while. For years now, you’ve
gotten your servility fix one way, but your old outlet for exercising humility
will soon no longer be a healthy option. This week start researching new way
ways to explore your passive, receptive side. This time, you might have to give
up even more jurisdiction. Trust. As long as you choose the right person or
situation to turn them over to, you’ll get the reins of your life back
undamaged, and in plenty of time to keep from steering off-course.





Virgo
(Aug. 23-Sept. 22)



Do not,
I repeat, do not throw in the towel, no matter how grim the situation.
Giving up is never the answer, even if it gives you the illusion of "control"
over your reality. It’s better to try for the one vanishingly slender chance
for success or survival, no matter how unlikely it seems. There’s really
no logical reason why you’d do anything else. Yes, the odds may seem (or
even be) stacked against you. However, that’s no reason to fold like a
house of cards. It’s very simple: If you don’t try for victory, you
definitely won’t achieve it; if you do, you’ll probably lose
anyway–but you just might win.





Libra
(Sept. 23-Oct. 22)



If I were
a magician (either in the Harry Potter sense or in the archetypal tarot sense),
my laptop would be my magic wand. Without it, I wouldn’t be able to cast
most of the spells I use to survive and navigate my way through the world. It
can’t easily be replaced; therefore, I’m protective of it. There’s
a parallel in your life. There’s one principle tool you use to facilitate
life or comfort, whether it’s your car, your family name or your exceptional
good looks. In any case, don’t give anyone else power over it this week
unless they’re prepared to give you a better version of what you’ve
already got.




Scorpio
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)



Being important
to people can, at times, be such a burden. It’s the endless Scorpionic
struggle: how to balance your intense need for introspection and deep, undisturbed
reflection with your powerful urge to share your wisdom, philosophical musings
and soul-rooted passion with other people (who consequently fall in love with
you, worship you or enthusiastically despise you–or all three). Sometimes
the two nearly-conflicting (but actually complementary) compulsions don’t
arrive in synch with your outer reality. That is, you need to retreat when people
most need your love, guidance and discipline, and you feel the inclination to
reach out when people are least receptive to what you have to offer. Luckily,
this week you’ll be exactly in tune with which role the universe wants
you to play.




Sagittarius
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)



With the
full moon doing its annual pilgrimage through your sign, your need for speed
may become irresistibly intense. Very little can satisfy this urge besides an
expensive voyage on a Soviet rocket or a record-breaking cross-country road
trip. Not for you is the endless high-velocity circling of a track; you need
to be actually going somewhere–the faster the better. Go ahead,
indulge your craving (as if I could stop you). Just make sure the cannon’s
pointed in generally the right direction (and there’s a net to catch you
where you’re going) before you fire yourself from it.




Capricorn
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)



Lately your
cynicism has spiraled out of control. Far be it from me to refute your now time-tested
disbelief regarding lasting romantic love. But there are some things you do
believe in, like other kinds of love, and friendship and creation. It’s
time to envision a realistic positive future for yourself, one that excludes
the stuff you simply no longer believe in, but includes all the stuff you do,
in such creative combinations and quantities that you’ll end up happier
than in any previously imagined future. Get on it. The sooner you invent the
possibility of your new reality, the sooner it can manifest.




Aquarius
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)



I feel like
you’re listening to me from behind my closet door or watching me via telescope
from the apartment across the street. I’m not alone, either; many people
have felt your tangible presence in their lives lately, whether or not you’re
actually there. If only you could reap some reward from this stretched out psychic
footprint. Wait! You can! It’s useful to have all these people thinking
of you while they’re alone. Drop subtle hints about what you need or want;
the next time you see the people who heard them, you’re likely to get it.




Pisces
(Feb. 19-March 20)



Take a shower.
Do a colon cleanse. This week you need to finally rid yourself of the still-clinging
emotional detritus of your last chapter, whatever it takes. It ended last month,
for fuck’s sake! Try an all-over skin peel, a Catholic exorcism or the
local Santeria shamaness’ best voodoo cure. Whatever you do, don’t
end the week still allowing (or worse, holding on to) the outmoded fears and
beliefs that defined your last spin around the block. Eject the monkey from
its free ride on your back. Try to toss it in front of the car, finally, so
you can run over and kill it.




Aries
(March 21-April 19)



Hey pegleg.
Lately, you’ve compensated for your self-perceived handicaps with accessories
and attitude that’ve made you far more appealing than you were before you
started considering your own flaws. Yes, self-examination has, ultimately, made
you sexy. If you lost an eye, you’d be hotter in an eye patch than most
people are with a full pair of eyes. You’re probably a bit less piratical
(and literal) than I’ve suggested in making up for your minor failings,
but don’t underestimate the ability of those compensations to attract and
charm. So get out there and pillage the local scene for all available booty
for your bedroom and gold for your teeth.




Taurus
(April 20-May 20)



Biting the
hand that feeds you is never a good idea. You know this. Yet somehow, this week,
you may not be able to resist nipping it a little. Is it because you resent
the beneficence that comes at the cost of someone else’s generosity? Not
really. Is it because you don’t like the strings attached to what’s
being given? Nope. There is a reason, though–once you figure out
what it is, you’ll no longer be inclined to chewing the fingers of your
benefactor. Even better, you probably won’t need them to support you in
any way, any more.



Caeriel@yahoo.com


This Week’s Horoscope

Written by None - Do not Delete on . Posted in Posts.



Geminis
are a quirky lot, often misunderstood by other signs. You do things uninspired
bores rarely appreciate, like take color photographs of other people’s
puke on the sidewalk, skin or stuff the family pet, post-mortem, and put it
on display, or collect creepy antique toys. You’re used to people thinking
you’re a freak, just because you have a little more creative imagination
than they do. So don’t flip when this week’s choice of activities
raises a few eyebrows. Who cares whether or not they comprehend what you’re
up to? The cool ones you give a shit about get it, and we wouldn’t want
you to stop for anything.





Cancer
(June 21-July 22)



The in-laws
are moving in–at least that’s what it feels like when Saturn invites
himself over for a grueling two-year stay. Just like living with your stern,
disapproving father-in-law, who’s always tsk-tsking over your shoulder,
this may require some compromises, especially ones involving your stepping up
your game a notch or two. Look at it this way: You could spend the entire time
sorely resenting the intrusion, or you could use it to drive you to bigger,
better and bolder achievements, along with a greater tolerance for and resistance
to your critics (who will only multiply and diversify as your greatness becomes
more obvious).




Leo (July
23-Aug. 22)



Your energy
is lionlike: Mostly, you’re lazy, conserving your strength, trusting your
reputation to bring you what you want. But you’re also capable of phenomenal
short-term drive that’s virtually unrivaled by any other sign, the equivalent
of chasing, catching and killing an antelope. When you put your mind to something,
you’re pretty much unstoppable and unmatchable, whether the activity is
sex, artistic creation, cross-country driving or performing an aria. But since
these spurts of intense verve are limited (which is why you’ll be able
to produce them deep into your old age, unlike your Aries cousins) you must
carefully decide when and where you’ll apply them. Although five potentially
dispatchable antelope will run by this week, at best you’ll only have the
energy to down two. Choose well.




Virgo
(Aug. 23-Sept. 22)



Virgos change
either glacially slowly, or at Mach 3. When you’re so busy with other things,
it’s hard to make room to consider radical alterations to your routine,
so everything happens in minute, almost imperceptible increments. But when you’ve
decided to devote your whole self to a new path, it happens faster than the
naked eye can perceive. Suddenly you’re a whole new person. This week you
face a choice: Manifest the change you’re headed for anyway, by temporarily
dropping some of your supposedly essential activities (and subsequently play
catch-up for the next three weeks), or get everything done that you’re
"supposed to," and not finish switching life-path lanes until the
end of the summer.




Libra
(Sept. 23-Oct. 22)



Librans
are emotional people, despite your reputation for coolness. It’s not that
you don’t experience your feelings; it’s that you’ve managed
to put a screen between that experience and the outside world, so what you outwardly
present is usually edited, not raw and unfiltered (like those tempestuous Cancers).
However, there is something about unequivocally sharing your emotions with others
that changes your experience of them. Since it’s good practice, try to
at least knock a hole in the walls between heart and face, if you can’t
tear them down entirely. Believe me, what you’ve got coming this summer
is so good, the thinner your skin, the better off you’ll be.



Scorpio
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)



You despise
being trapped in one role, no matter how integral or important it might be.
You get bored. That’s why a Scorpio with her finger stuck in a cracked
dam might pull it out, just to see what would happen when a flood ensued, swamping
the valley below. However, I urge you to leave your finger plugging the hole
a little longer. The paths you’re about to walk might be interesting once
they’ve been plunged into chaos, but they’ll be a lot more fun (and
populated by extremely grateful people) if you’ve just saved them from
it.




Sagittarius
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)



You’re
up in the clock tower of your mind with a rifle, ready to take aim and gun down
the parts of yourself you’re sick and tired of. Don’t be capricious,
now. You could really do yourself some damage, but stick to the plan: Those
aspects of your personality that are really vestiges of a former self you no
longer need–who are, in fact, holding you back–are the parts that
need to go. You asked them to leave already–quite politely, I might add–and
they refused to budge. So now you’re going to shoot them down in cold blood.
Kind of harsh? Not when you consider that their vampiric sapping of your strength
is all that’s so far kept you from achieving your best and brightest dream.




Capricorn
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)



Your squishy
emotions are squeezing into the driver’s seat, trying to wrest control
from the rational ambitions that have traditionally directed your course. Either
the steering wheel or the pedals will fall to their pushy power; this is your
last chance to decide which you’ll yield to their irrational and changeable
guidance. If you let your emotions and intuition determine your path for the
next two years, your intellect can at least set the pace. This invents the possibility
that you’ll steer wildly off-course (and experience more happiness and
less success than you were likely to have otherwise). On the other hand, if
your mind keeps control of the wheel and yields jurisdiction over the gas and
brake, you can keep going in the same direction you have been, but your feelings
will choose exactly how fast (or slow) you’ll get there.




Aquarius
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)



The bomb
squad just left. For a while there, they suspected there was something in you
that was about to explode, violently strewing death and destruction all around
you. They thought they’d managed to defuse the thing, so they packed up
their protective gear and drove away. Unfortunately, all they really did was
reset the clock on that ticking internal grenade. Now it’s up to you to
figure out how to disarm the thing before it injures anyone, especially yourself,
or at least extricate it and toss it clear so it can detonate somewhere where
no one will get hurt.




Pisces
(Feb. 19-March 20)



That feral
kitten of a concept or person you’d finally managed to coax into your life
had at long last learned to trust you. It’s too bad that the unavoidable
decision or action you’re likely to make this week will spook him, bad.
Unfortunately, there’s nothing you can do to earn back his confidence right
now. All you can do is keep putting out saucers of cream and leaving a window
open for him. Be very patient. I suspect he’ll come back on his own, eventually
(I’m betting sometime around December).




Aries
(March 21-April 19)



Don’t
kick yourself when you finally learn something this week that you maybe should’ve
figured out ages ago, like your best friend is gay, or the coworker you always
have to cover for is really, really sick. You’ve been ridiculously blind
to the obvious for a while, but that’s part of your charm. The other part,
of course, is what you’ll do now that clarity and understanding are yours.
Hopefully your behavior towards these people wasn’t based on what you’d
overlooked. Now that you know, treat them more or less the same as when you
didn’t.




Taurus
(April 20-May 20)



Every action
you initiate pushes you in a specific direction. Be aware this week what conscious
or unconscious goals you may be manifesting, because your acts will have extra
thrust; sitting on your ass and watching television will make you obese and
miserable faster than you’d think. You Taureans often need to be encouraged
to ditch responsibilities so you can have some fun; this week, however, it’s
best to hold off on the goofing off unless it specifically serves your long-range
goals. Your effectiveness is up 23 percent. Make use of it. Just be careful
about unwanted fallout from things you didn’t mean to do: Don’t run
unless you want to get there fast, and don’t sing unless you want to be
heard.




Caeriel@yahoo.com


This week’s horoscope.

Written by None - Do not Delete on . Posted in Posts.



Chances
are, you were probably one of the millions who braved the queues and crowded
theaters to experience one of the blockbuster movie events of the past month,
so this week should feel vaguely familiar–only this time the lines that
wrap around the block are here to see you. Okay, maybe things won’t quite
get to that extreme, but you will see the numbers of petitioners seeking your
clever wisdom and perky vibe rise dramatically, along with their determination.
In other words, long lines and crowds won’t thwart your persistent admirers–so
why not make it easy for them? Get out your autograph pen and your most winning
smile. You’ll need them.




Cancer
(June 21-July 22)



I’m
actually very excited about living with a Cancer again. Along with a host of
other new fans, I’ve lately learned to admire and appreciate your quirky
clan–and how to accommodate your moods; a key skill when interacting with
you on a daily basis. It’s weird how many people are finally realizing
how solid you are, despite your eminently dynamic and tempestuous surface. Could
it be that the imminent arrival of Saturn’s taciturn force in your sign
is parting the waters of your changeable emotions, revealing the reliable bedrock
that’s always lain beneath?




Leo (July
23-Aug. 22)



I’m
worried about you, Leo. In recent months, you’ve really come into or remembered
the sources and applications of your great strength, and developed a positive
feedback loop of confidence. Although you’re not necessarily in danger,
I’m here to warn you, anyway–the kinds of problems that are most likely
to haunt you now aren’t other predators or kindred forces of nature–they’re
of the tiny variety that you can barely see, and that your might can barely
touch, like disease-laden fleas, venomous spiders or disturbing, strength-sapping
dreams. Since you can’t easily fight or avoid these kinds of foes, you
need allies who can. A Pisces best friend or Cancer roommate would be ideal.




Virgo
(Aug. 23-Sept. 22)



You’re
not excessively prone to nostalgia. Digging up old comic books or love letters
and musing over them for hours isn’t your style. In fact, you’re the
most likely sign to trash them during some extremely thorough spring cleaning.
You’re right when you consider the past a hindrance–having the jumbled
litter of old chapters hampering your movements now (both literally and figuratively)
is a shitty prospect. However, your history can also strengthen you, by reminding
you of hard-earned wisdom born of mistakes you’ve made. Go ahead and eliminate
most of the clutter of your life, but not all of it–there are a few lessons
I’d rather you remember than relive.




Libra
(Sept. 23-Oct. 22)



If your
brain were a house, it’d be like the common areas (kitchen, living room,
bathroom, bedroom) had gone dark, with all the traditionally darker places,
like basements, attics and closets, brightly illuminated. What to do with this
sudden exposure of your skeletons, dusty baggage and nearly useless relics of
nearly forgotten chapters? Take a break from your usual patterns to address
this stuff. Some of it might be useful, if you rethink its application. You’ll
also have no better time to finally trash the crap you know you’ll never
use again.




Scorpio
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)



Traditionally,
you’ve had as many people running toward the darkness and danger you represent
as away from it. Unfortunately, the vast majority of the former were unhealthy
masochists, driven by powerful urges toward self-destruction. Not so bad when
you were in pure sadist mode, but less than ideal once you developed a conscience.
Luckily for you, the proportion of healthy, well-balanced people who simply
have an appetite for the deliciously sexy shadows lurking in your soul’s
nooks and crannies is about to rise. To make room for them, ditch all the folks
you’re not good for, because being not good for someone isn’t good
for you.




Sagittarius
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)



Stop procrastinating.
Just sit your ass down and get to work (I know you Sags only shirk tedious desk-duties,
not vigorous physical labor). You simply can’t put off your dreaded chore
any longer; if you try, your window of opportunity or success will close, maybe
forever. So don’t waste another second, please. Your friends and I would
do it for you if we could, just to get it over with, but that’s not possible.
Just do it! I can’t wait for you to get out from under this ton of apprehension,
especially because in retrospect, your task will only weigh an ounce.




Capricorn
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)



Your fillings
won’t pick up alien radio transmissions; your brain isn’t apt to start
channeling the wisdom of ancestral shamans. For all your much-lauded and criticized
pragmatism, it simply can’t be denied: Your sign is the most firmly rooted
in the here and now. As the world’s most present people, you have responsibilities–and
leading by example is only one. This week, listen to the kooks who are transmitting
the wisdom of long-dead witches or galactic neighbors. Most of it’ll be
hackneyed tripe, but there might be a minuscule percentage that’s actually
authentic (and sublimely useful)–and only you can tell the good from the
bad. Please do so; we need every grain of outside perspective and guidance we
can get.




Aquarius
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)



You’re
immune to imposition by other minds; whether in the form of overt possession,
chemical-induced brainwashing or charismatic cult-speak. That special invulnerability
cuts both ways, though, by making you impervious to some really good ideas or
mental technology. That’s why, like every hyper-capable superhero, you
need a good sidekick you can trust, who’ll let you know when you’re
overlooking something important or worthwhile you’d be better off absorbing.
You’d be surprised at how many kernels of useful wisdom are buried within
otherwise cornball ideas and philosophies–with your new ally’s aid,
you should be able to notice, extract and use them.




Pisces
(Feb. 19-March 20)



Big surprise.
The way Pisces interact with one another is complicated–just like everything
else related to your sign. On the one hand, you understand one another with
a psychic empathy that amazes bystanders. On the other, you can be so different,
you’re like separate species. That’s strikingly dissimilar to those
other signs that share tribal kinships, like Leos or Virgos–they’re
more alike than different in almost every case. However, there are times, like
this week, when your Fish-to-Fish alliances can transcend all your quirky idiosyncrasies,
and you can get on the same page on every level. While in that state of eerie
and unstoppable unity, nothing lies beyond your grasp. Since it never lasts
for long, plan on what you’d like to achieve now, so when that astrological
communion strikes, you’ll be able to grab it.




Aries
(March 21-April 19)



Some worms
contaminated by radioactivity near Chernobyl are switching from asexual to sexual
reproduction. Instead of simply cloning themselves, they’re combining genes
from two parents to produce a child who shares the best qualities of both, enabling
the species to eliminate damaged genes and produce more worms with built-in
radiation protection. Emulate them, mentally: An interesting new idea you’ll
encounter (and be inclined to adopt) this week will be only so-so as-is. But
if you combine it with a robust (if slightly tired) concept you’ve cherished
for ages, it could be the key to the most exciting, inspiring path you’ll
walk this year.




Taurus
(April 20-May 20)



Art, even
pop art, should reflect life. Unfortunately, too much of current art, from X-Men
movies to Harry Potter novels, is frustratingly consequence-free. Important
characters never die (or stay dead), nor really even suffer for long. As you
know all too well, real life is rife with misery and final endings. That’s
not about to change, so we can choose to ignore it as long as possible, or understand
it as soon as possible. Since really living fully and deeply (one of your principle
goals, I know) is impossible when you’re shying away from certain ideas
and realities, use art to help you confront them: When deciding which stories
and worlds you immerse yourself in this week, make sure they relate directly
to your life, not just provide an escape from it.




Caeriel@yahoo.com


This Week’s Horoscope.

Written by None - Do not Delete on . Posted in Posts.



Gird for
battle as your Twin selves duke it out internally this week. One of the gladiators
fighting for your future wields virtually all of your most basic, longstanding
principles. His opponent in the arena champions some of your best and most outrageous
dreams. I don’t know who to root for, since the victory of one may help
you salvage an ailing relationship, while triumph by the other would almost
certainly lead to unprecedented financial opportunity (which Twin’s win
will yield which result is a secret I’ll let you sort out on your own).




Cancer (June
21-July 22)



For months
now, you’ve been pounding fiercely on a certain locked and barricaded door,
with almost no sign that the solid barrier would ever give. Lately, there are
promising clues that the hinges are primed to crack and shatter, clearing the
way to your long-delayed entrance. Unfortunately, along with the coming liberating
influence of Gemini’s perkily optimistic New Moon, Saturn’s overcautious
and unduly wary impact is making itself known. Steel yourself against the kind
of fear-based reality (ironically described as "realism") Saturn advocates,
lest you become too timid to cross the threshold that’s only just opened
itself to you.




Leo (July
23-Aug. 22)



My sister’s
favorite childhood prank was to lurk in the hall closet when my dad came home
from work. She’d leap out and scream like a banshee when he opened the
door to hang his jacket, scaring the shit out of him. It worked again and again;
even though she performed this stunt frequently, he never learned to expect
her presence. You may identify with my father this week; so preoccupied with
other concerns that you get nailed by the same (retrospectively obvious) trick
two or three times in a row. Don’t kick yourself too hard, though–the
things you’re working on are important enough to justify a little absent-mindedness.
But do spare a little brainpower to prevent being shafted even one more time.




Virgo (Aug.
23-Sept. 22)



Like the
most interesting mutants and superheroes, your powers this week might seem acutely
undesirable, as you become enthrallingly irresistible to your enemies and virtually
impervious to the seductions of those you purport to love. It’s just not
a good week to try to secure or solidify partnerships with your friends; it
might be better to avoid interaction altogether, since it’s more likely
to be alienating than alliance-forming. So you get to hang out mostly with your
suddenly worshipful foes (swayed by pheromones, cosmic influences or political
expedience–chances are, they won’t understand it any better than you
do). It sorta sucks, but look at it this way: Wouldn’t it be great to come
out of this chapter with more team members instead of more competition?




Libra (Sept.
23-Oct. 22)



Protect
your family jewels–they’re the universe’s primary target this
week. That’s the downside–the extreme likelihood that you’ll
get a swift kick where it hurts the most. Unfortunately, since your injury’s
likely to be etheric, no amount of chainmail or the kind of protection you can
buy in a sporting goods store will do any good. Never fear; there is an upside.
You’re equally likely to score an empathetic new ally–someone who’s
so good at soothing your suffering that you might actually be glad you got hurt.




Scorpio
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)



Traditionally,
each Scorpio only makes one roundtrip journey to her personal underworld, during
which she learns the lessons and acquires the skills she’s renowned for.
It’s this brush with profound darkness that lends Scorps their devastating
reputations. Whether or not you’ve already made your trip to hell and back,
you’re due for a journey in that direction. Don’t worry; you’re
only going about halfway there, just far enough to point to your private purgatorial
pit and say, "Oh yeah, that’s where it is." Once you’ve
reminded yourself of its location, you’re that much less likely to stumble
upon it by accident, and even though you can’t put off (or erase the memory
of) your trip there forever, you can at least postpone it until you’re
really ready.




Sagittarius
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)



Second time’s
the charm. Surprisingly, your second sightless swing at the piñata is
bound to crack it open, showering you and your friends with a waterfall of cheap
candy. But this kind of blind luck can’t last; your obviously unguided
attempts may have scored two times in a row, but they’d never work thrice.
Enjoy the delicious windfalls you’ve received, but don’t expect more
of the same. This is no time to slack–instead, you should be brainstorming
strategies. Your random luck has just run out. From here on in, at least for
a while, you’ll have to make your own.




Capricorn
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)



Now that
you’re beginning to trust your gut a lot more, your deepest instincts may
refute or question the more logical, cold choices you made before they came
into play. Your intuition, trained and shaped by years of complex, analytical
thinking, is sharper than most people’s ever gets. Heed it, to a fault,
since it’s soon to become your dominant internal influence, whether you
like it or not. Your other option is to send yourself into a recurring tailspin
as you constantly second-guess your own best bets. You can be a semi-clairvoyant
cynosure or a vacillating victim of your own conflicting urges. It’s your
choice.




Aquarius
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)



The good
guys, hemmed in by ethical principles, can’t usually play as dirty as the
bad guys. They’re less likely to exploit their opponents’ Achilles’
heels while those villains are determined to win at any cost. I mention this
because although there’s no real change in your range of abilities this
week, the spectrum of available options is about to expand. Do your unquestionably
good ends justify those morally uncertain means? I can’t answer that for
you, since maintaining your integrity might cost so much, it’ll be all
you have left.




Pisces (Feb.
19-March 20)



Don’t
get cocky. Even though you’re up against opponents as laughable as the
Wonder Twins, your arrogance could be your downfall. Don’t discount your
enemies too quickly. Their absurdly limited abilities couldn’t possibly
take you down when you’re playing your best game; therefore the chief danger
is allowing yourself to be distracted enough to not give it your all. It’s
sort of a weird dichotomy–while your best is ten times more than good enough
to get the job done, just a little less could keep you from winning the game.




Aries (March
21-April 19)



Reputations
can help or hurt; make yours work for you this week. See, everyone thinks they’ve
got you all figured out; you’re renowned for unshakeable forthrightness
and invariably direct dealings. As laudable as that behavior is, it’s a
handicap this week, when subtlety is key. You’re not capable of outright
deviousness; I know this. Luckily, there’s no need to resort to dishonesty
or ethically questionable manipulation–just a little mystery. That’s
right–this week is mostly about biting your tongue. Instead of loudly announcing
exactly where you’re going and what you’ll do there, let them guess.
Since they’ll all guess wrong, you’ll be able to do exactly what you
want, how you want, with no interference or objection at all.




Taurus (April
20-May 20)



You won
a weekend with your favorite dynamic duo in the superhero auction. For at least
a couple days this week, they’ll support and supplement everything you
do with their own specialized resources. Even though each on his own is somewhat
ridiculous, their synergistic effectiveness is a force to be reckoned with.
Use the powers of your shadow allies while you have them, but don’t overestimate
what you can do, either. To give you some idea what you’re capable of:
You may not be able to leap tall buildings in a single bound, but you can still
reach the second story. Stopping bullets with your bare hands is a bit ambitious
as well–try dodging them instead.




Caeriel@yahoo.com


This week’s Horoscope.

Written by None - Do not Delete on . Posted in Posts.



Last year,
your friends voted you Most Likely to Turn Down a Good Thing. Luckily, you’ve
finally managed to put your most suspicious and self-limiting tendencies behind
you and allow yourself a greater measure of happiness. Good! You deserve it.
Please, when this week presents you with a package that just seems too good
to be true, quell those old doubts urging you to refuse it. Yes, it might look
better than it actually is, but so what? Your minor disappointment with its
few flaws will hardly compare with your excitement when you discover that it’s
mostly real. Accept the bounty coming your way. It’s not too good to be
true; it’s just good enough.




GEMINI
(May 21-June 20)



That woozy
butterfly feeling in the pit of your stomach is there for a reason. You’re
next in line for the biggest, baddest ride in the amusement park. It’s
taken you months to even brave the queue, which stretches for blocks, and you’ve
chickened out two or three times before. Only this time you’re determined
to go through with it. There’s absolutely no one between you and the next
available car, only a long line of leering partiers to face should you wimp
out again. You have the right to be nervous; just don’t let your anxiety
get the best of you. In mere moments you’ll be strapped in and on your
way, with nothing left to do but throw your hands up and scream in giddy, terrified
delight.




CANCER
(June 21-July 22)



Your body
knows better than your brain when you need a break. Getting sick can be a signal
from your subconscious mind to your sometimes less-than-astute consciousness
that you need to slow down, finally. Listen to that, before it gets so bad that
you have no other choice. You’re smart enough to not let things get that
extreme, aren’t you? Take the time this week to loaf around on your couch
eating chicken soup and taking lots of naps, so that when the wildness of next
week’s Scorpio full moon rolls around, you’ll be more than ready for
it.




LEO (July
23-Aug. 22)



Eliminate
envy from your emotional vocabulary this week. If you’ve been paying attention,
you’ve probably noticed that, duh, nothing lasts forever. Even people really
on top of their games fail, eventually. If you’re lost, you’ll find
your way again, as long as you have faith and perseverance. So you’re surrounded
by people who are solidly on their paths. Good for them. Trying to knock them
off course with your jealousy won’t help you discover your own route to
victory. No one likes to see a Leo fail; it’s too heartbreaking. Trust
that everyone’s pulling for you, regardless of their place in life, and
root for them too. It’s a win-win, if you let it be.




VIRGO
(Aug. 23-Sept. 22)



My crystal
ball reveals three prominent figures in your week: a circus barker, a court
jester and a cheap prostitute. The carnival caller might speak in great detail
about how to live your life, but he’s the one you should least listen to
on this subject. The joker might proffer a lesson on how to be funny and popular,
but heeding his advice would lead to more tragedy than comedy. The whore’s
dying to tell you about the ins and outs of love and lust, but please, close
your ears. Astonishingly, the barker has the most to teach you about romance
and innocence, the hooker holds the key to hilarity and the fool possesses the
best wisdom on how to live your life happily. In most cases this week, on any
subject, heed whoever gives you the least advice, most quietly.



LIBRA
(Sept. 23-Oct. 22)



Don’t
just observe; participate. Although this week will be rife with Kodak moments,
hiding behind a camera will only separate you from their intensity and joy.
Be present, and don’t let anything come between you and your experience.
Let the vividness and power of your life right now etch itself into your brain.
Save your film for all the inevitable mediocre times we all have to slog through;
you can romanticize them later. Since this week’s events will be fully
engaging, just enter each perfect minute as fully as possible. Do that, and
you won’t need pictures or videotape; your memory will be more than enough.




SCORPIO
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)



You’re
supposed to be the zodiac’s most sexed-up sign. So what is this? A dry
spell? You say you’re consciously choosing this emotional abstinence, but
I suspect the source of your decision lies in fear and remorse. Many Scorpios
experience pangs of guilt for their tough-love style. Is that why you’ve
backed off from real intimacy–for fear of dishing out more hurt? Come on.
You’re wiser than that. You can’t protect the world from yourself
forever, only do your best to not intentionally do harm. Even though you can’t
chop off your own stinger, you’re so much better now at keeping it out
of the way. If your paramours are determined to run themselves through with
it in spite of your best efforts, that’s really not your fault.




SAGITTARIUS
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)



Re-enter
the fray. Your inner coach benched you for a week or two there, to give you
a chance to recover from a couple hard knocks and a bad play or two. Now it’s
time to live up to your reputation as the team’s star player. Shake off
recent mistakes, put on your helmet and get out on the field. Your worst fears
won’t be realized. People are willing to look at the long view of you;
a few screw-ups won’t damage their trust. Get out there! I promise; you’ll
be passed the ball first thing, and from there, you know exactly what to do.




CAPRICORN
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)



Most of
your unluck in love is self-administered. You’re just not usually a casual
dater. Either you let someone into your intense little world or they’re
so far out you can barely see them. So don’t get down if it’s been
seven years since you last said, "I love you," and meant it. That
just means one of the following things: You’ve been slightly overcautious
and need to loosen up just a little, you’re just waiting for something
unquestionably real or most likely, a little of both. You can’t exactly
choose to be lucky in love, but you can decide to stop enforcing your bad luck.




AQUARIUS
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)



Aquarians
are silly. Even once you’ve earned your PhD, you can still appreciate a
good fart joke or play unselfconsciously with your nieces and nephews. Your
talent for mixing serious long-term dedication to cherished goals and ideals
with giggling, horseplay, and a willingness to laugh at anything, even yourself,
is at its peak. In fact, the more you can inject humor and glee into your most
meaningful and significant moments, the more likely your beloved ambitions will
be realized, sooner and better than you ever imagined. Laugh, you goof. You’re
closer than you think.




PISCES
(Feb. 19-March 20)



Don’t
let the fear take over, especially once your ruling planet, Neptune, starts
sliding backward through the sky next week. You may feel like a squishy, boneless
sea creature trying to withstand a violently erosive flash flood, but I urge
you to hold your ground despite all that. You have a whole week to grow a spine
and some thorny roots to help hold up against external pressure to devolve and
regress. Just remember–don’t become too rigid or stiff; not only would
that increase your likelihood of snapping and breaking instead of bending, but
it will greatly inhibit the speedy forward motion you’ll be capable of
in less than a month.




ARIES
(March 21-April 19)



Who has
time for appropriateness? Certainly not you, and especially not this week, when
everything will have the feel of playing basketball in your church clothes.
Don’t let repressive internal voices force you to go home and change; by
the time you return, the game will be over. Instead, go with each moment as
it comes this week, and screw convention. I hate to sound like a flaky hippie,
but go with the flow. Luckily, this week the path of least resistance will also
be the one that’s most fun.




Caeriel@yahoo.com


This week’s horoscope.

Written by None - Do not Delete on . Posted in Posts.



Reckless
you’re not. Even at your wildest (which can, admittedly, be very wild),
you’re more responsible than most other signs. Still, I advise you to throw
caution to the winds this week. Your creative juices have dried up a little,
and even though that makes the fruits of your labors all the more sweet, like
raisins, you’d benefit from a flood-like incursion of new energy–and
the only way to break some of the inner dikes you’ve built to keep you
rigidly on course is to really lose control, even for a little while. Be irresponsible!
Wreak havoc! You’re more than capable of repairing the minor damage you
might inflict, and besides, considering all the crazy shit you’ve put up
with from your friends, you have more than a lion’s share of understanding
and forgiveness coming your way.




GEMINI
(May 21-June 20)



I dreamt
you were rolling up an old carpet when you suddenly noticed a decrepit old corpse
in there. You panicked; you couldn’t remember killing anyone, but who else
could have? I take it to mean that you long ago swept some minor sin you’d
perpetrated under the rug, and basically forgot about it. But instead of dissolving
into dust as it probably should have, it’s been festering and growing until
it’s become a problem that far out-sizes your original, slightly evil act.
You can’t just take the predicament out with the trash; it’s bound
to haunt you eventually. Deal with it this week, before it gets any bigger or
reanimates.




CANCER
(June 21-July 22)



Kick the
ass of anyone who tries to make their case with you using legalese, corporate
jargon, or soft-peddled euphemization. Order them to tell it like it is, or
suffer the consequences. If "softening enemy targets" means "killing
children by accident," you want to know. There are nasty villains invading
your life who’d like to put neutral-sounding words between you and their
rather malevolent actions. Consider yourself warned. If you’re not diligent
about forcing everyone to use painfully clear language, you could be agreeing
to something you definitely want no part of.




LEO (July
23-Aug. 22)



You’ve
done a good job of singing in the rain so far; that is, keeping your spirits
high and your radiance turned up, despite less than ideal circumstances. I’m
glad you remembered that what actually happens to you is only half of your experience;
how you react to it is the half you can control. Unfortunately, there’s
no gap in the clouds for at least another week. Fortunately, you’re likely
to stay fully charged and shining despite all that. Isn’t that better,
in a way? Laughter through tears is always richer than just a plain old chuckle
by itself.




VIRGO
(Aug. 23-Sept. 22)



Hey, Squirt.
You poor thing; you’re likely to have people talking down to you all week.
If you’re not fully cognizant of what’s going on, you’re in serious
danger of acting like the baby you’re being addressed as. However, the
best way to show up all those condescending losers you’re forced to deal
with isn’t calling them on it; you’re too likely in that case to sound
like a petulant child. Your ideal recourse is ignoring them instead, and dispatching
your duties with your typically amazing aplomb. Eventually, left to their own
devices, those patronizing pricks will realize what assholes they were and apologize
to you on their own. Resist rubbing it in their faces too hard, and keep your
response to a simple, "I know, dear. I know."




LIBRA
(Sept. 23-Oct. 22)



Just because
someone you know and respect is willing to publicly advocate your viewpoint–thereby
giving it legitimacy it otherwise lacked–doesn’t make it automatically
correct. While standing by your convictions is an admirable quality, when those
beliefs are misplaced, it just makes you look pathetic and ignorant. As that
may well be the case this week, at the very least double check the facts upon
which your certainty is based. Don’t disappoint all those who are counting
on your notorious fair-mindedness. Changing your mind every other day displays
vacuous vacillation. Revising your opinion based on a convincing and compelling
argument demonstrates virtuous versatility.




SCORPIO
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)



In the weeks
after his booed (and cheered) comments at the Academy Awards, sales for Michael
Moore’s book, Stupid White Men, rocketed it back to #1 on the bestseller
lists, and the Dixie Chicks’ record sales rose after Natalie Maines spoke
out against fellow Texan, U.S. President Bush. In other words, despite what
mainstream media might have you believe, rebellion is very in right now. Whatever
you’re up against, don’t be afraid to speak out. You won’t be
punished or condemned, even if it seems like you will be. Au contraire; you’re
most likely to be generously rewarded instead.




SAGITTARIUS
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)



Make your
opponents laugh. Humor is almost always the best way to express dissent or a
viewpoint that’s unpopular among your adversaries (for visual aids, check
out www.jesushates-your.com). You of all people should avoid preachiness in
all its forms; you were blessed with wit and charm that would be ill-served
by a well-intentioned but tedious sermon. This week, you have the chance to
change the minds of most of those perched on fences in your neighborhood. I
guarantee that the best way to knock them off their precariously balanced positions
is instigating a good, deep, belly laugh.




CAPRICORN
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)



Keep your
ear to the ground. If you pay attention, you’ll notice some subtle hints
regarding an idea that’s percolated in the back of your mind for so long
that you’d nearly forgotten about it, suggesting that it’s primed
for exploration and manifestation. Listen for the slow rumble of distant hooves;
the much-needed cavalry you requested months ago is finally on its way. Your
long patience is about to be rewarded. The "battle" you feared to
begin way back when, because it would be too costly and arduous, will now flow
so smoothly in your favor that to call it a struggle at all would be patently
incorrect.




AQUARIUS
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)



My car has
been immobile and pathetic for two months now, with a flat tire and a smashed-in
window. I’ve just been too broke to fix it, but I’m hoping to remedy
that soon and get my poor Volvo rolling again–which reminded me of you.
An important part of your personality has been abandoned and broken down at
the side of the road for ages, but this week your inner mechanic should have
it up and running again, finally. Think of how good it will be to finally have
the freedom you’ve been missing, to roll down the windows and feel the
wind in your hair. Just beware a cheap fix. Do it right; you don’t want
to overheat or go kaput five miles down the road.




PISCES
(Feb. 19-March 20)



Change is
in the air. Although the sharp right turn you’ve just taken will inevitably
involve some compromises, the positives will far outweigh the negatives, if
only you’d notice. Unfortunately, one small drawback is likely to eclipse
all the benefits this week. Be sure to look past your momentarily inflamed emotions.
If you do, the swelling will soon go down, and the overwhelmingly positive nature
of your recent decisions will be so obvious you’ll wish you’d never
paid the slightest bit of attention to the tiny fleck of shit that initially
flew in your eye when it all hit the fan.




ARIES
(March 21-April 19)



Ladies and
Gentlemen, Elvis has left the building. In fact, bid good riddance to every
last vestige of bloated glamour still lingering in the corners of your life.
From now on, it’s sleek, elegant, healthy flash with substance, not the
empty, self-destructive glimmer and glitz you were settling for before. With
Venus in your sign and your ruling planet, Mars, in the realm of those heady,
brilliant Aquarians, you’ve got brains to back your beauty and reason behind
your rhyme. You’re operating on a grander scale. Forget Atlantic City cheese;
you’re Vegas now, baby. Vegas!




Caeriel@yahoo.com


This Week’s Horoscope

Written by None - Do not Delete on . Posted in Posts.


ARIES
(March 21-April 19)



Your brand
of tactless honesty is usually written off (and forgiven) as the innocent truth.
"Out of the mouths of babes…" Politically biting your tongue
just ain’t your style. However, since your frankness is likely to be ill-received
this week ("He should know better!") you might want to either learn
some restraint or find a real baby (or babe) to be your mouthpiece for a while,
and deliver the blunt candor you’re dying to put out there. However, if
you choose the route of ventriloquism over that of forbearance, just make sure
no one catches you.




TAURUS
(April 20-May 20)



Grandchildren
are meant to be spoiled. Some of your favorite things, like wine, cheese and
beer are "spoiled," in a manner of speaking. I know all this is just
semantics, but the principle behind them is sound: You’re walking a line
of ruin with someone you know and love. Your fears of blighting the relationship
with neglect or the wrong kind of attention are understandable, and you might
want to just call the whole thing off before the "fresh until" date
is past. However, I believe your instinct is valid; by allowing the connection
to ferment a little, you may end up with vinegar, or it could blossom into a
whole new–delicious–thing. Personally, I think it’s worth the
risk.




GEMINI
(May 21-June 20)



Your mantra
this week is, "No, you’re wrong." Say it, often. Do not, do not,
absolutely do not nod and pretend to agree with something and then passive-aggressively
do your own thing anyway. You will be called on it. Confrontation is
your only recourse, baby. If you disagree with something someone says or does,
speak up! Your heartfelt opinion is worth far more this week (and most weeks)
than any show of support. The task I’m setting you–speaking your mind–may
seem easy, until I tell you about the other part: The things you may be required
to comment on are those that are traditionally the hardest to be honest about:
fiances, in-laws, friends’ artistic endeavors and children. Good luck.




CANCER
(June 21-July 22)



Next week
is the perfect time to make peace with a bitter rival, along with anyone else
you may have offended in the recent past (or near future). That’s right,
your ability to sincerely apologize, smooth ruffled feathers or otherwise soothe
bruised egos is peaking next week with the Libra full moon. That’s not
permission to just act out all week, wreaking havoc on your friends’ sensitive
emotions with brutal honesty or reckless behavior. But if there are a few things
you’ve been longing to say or do for ages, but have been too polite or
sweet for, this is a good week to get them out of your system.




LEO (July
23-Aug. 22)



It’s
hard to run with your foot in your mouth. That’s right, your own errant
tongue is likely to get you into trouble this week, interfering with an opportunity
you otherwise had in the bag. Just goes to show: well-earned confidence is usually
impressive, but cockiness only works in bed. It sucks to screw up during final
negotiations, especially by saying something you really didn’t need to
say; but don’t spend the whole week kicking yourself. Yeah, you closed
a door, but there’ll be other chances. Your big mouth is likely to knock
another one off its hinges in three weeks or less.




VIRGO
(Aug. 23-Sept. 22)



Back when
I lived in Santa Fe, my roommates were sweet but irresponsible about certain
household tasks–like buying toilet paper. Finally, after I’d been
the sole TP provider for months, I decided to hide my stash in my room and see
how long my five roommates went without buying any. I was amazed and disgusted
at their creative fortitude as they lasted nearly two weeks, using rags, magazines,
news- paper, and I’m loath to imagine what else. You’re engaged in
a similar game of emotional chicken. Don’t let it play all the way out.
You really don’t want to see the lengths your challengers will go to. Just
give in and buy the toilet paper. It’s not worth the angst otherwise.




LIBRA
(Sept. 23-Oct. 22)



I hope you
find yourself mostly amidst flattering candlelight or outside, illuminated by
the light of the stars, instead of harshly exposed by glaring fluorescents this
week, because you’ll be enduring enough spotlight-intense scrutiny as it
is. No need for the world at large to perceive what are, in fact, only minor
blemishes and flaws. We know you’re not perfect, and anyway you’re
usually humble enough to admit as much. But we still like to believe in your
near-perfection, if only because it makes our world prettier and more fun to
be in. For all our sakes, downplay your defects this week, and indulge us in
the glamorous illusion of your flawlessness.




SCORPIO
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)



Whenever
I’m feeling particularly oppressed by my relative poverty, it helps to
remember the specifics of how I felt when I worked better-paying jobs that I
hated; how my ambitions, dreams and very self were being thwarted, and the amount
of money I got in exchange was nowhere near worth it. Similarly, a choice you’ve
made is weighing heavily on you, because the shittiness of the present moment
is eclipsing the crappy stuff you had to deal with before your life change.
Meanwhile, all the good stuff from way back then is shining forth. Before you
let romantic nostalgia carry you unhealthily backwards, remember–really
remember–how awful that time was, and why you made your decision. You’re
on the path; stick to it.




SAGITTARIUS
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)



You marshal
the best combination of high activity with least high-strung personality. You
manage to be incessantly on the go while staying eminently laid back and relaxed
at all times. (What people don’t know is that you’re chronically late
to all your obligations, but so what?) However, this week will challenge that
emotional balance, as an ebb in your frenetic schedule actually causes your
blood pressure to rise. Sometimes chilling out and improving your tan works
for you, but not this week. To cut down risk of meltdown, make sure your day
planner is chock full.




CAPRICORN
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)



How disappointed
would you be to spend weeks striving toward a treasure just to find it’s
as cheap as an aquarium decoration? All the gold is just painted on. Unfortunately,
that may be something like your experience this week. Still, all is not lost.
You didn’t come all this way for nothing. If you’re astute (and have
a clever astrologer to tip you off) you’ll soon realize that the fortune
you’ve been aiming for all this time is just an ingenious distraction.
The real treasure is buried right nearby. Dig it up, sweet Cap. You earned it.




AQUARIUS
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)



Your chief
talent has almost entered the realm of the paranormal. You may not have the
ability to fly, breathe underwater or talk to animals, but the skills you’ve
developed are nearly as good. That’s right–you’ve practically
achieved superhero status just by getting really, really talented at something.
I’m not going to give you the lame-ass lecture about power and responsibility,
because you know all that. However, I am going to share two other cliche bits
of advice that you seem to have forgotten: 1. Use it or lose it. 2. God(dess)
helps those who help themselves.




PISCES
(Feb. 19-March 20)



You’ve
often said the primary difference between you and crazy people is volume. Although
your statement was made mostly tongue-in-cheek, I hope it’s more than half-true,
because the universe is demanding that you make a stab at really expanding to
fulfill your full potential–and that’s going to require some slightly
insane decisions. Don’t worry, you won’t have to venture anywhere
near psychotic serial-killer status; your lunacy will be of the wildly eccentric
variety. Just paddle down the mad river of your own oddest urges, on your little
raft of sanity. You’ll get to your fabulously desirable destination without
a single hitch.



This Week’s Horoscope

Written by None - Do not Delete on . Posted in Posts.


ARIES
(March 21-April 19)



Lakes of
fire wouldn’t prevent you from rescuing someone you loved. I believe that;
unfortunately you might have to actually prove it this week, as grueling tests
of your constancy may lie ahead. Any soul less devoted than yours would beat
a rapid retreat. Prepare yourself for third-degree burns; sometimes love defies
all logic, reason or rationalization. Just remember, Aries: Sometimes people
screw up. Sometimes bad shit looks worse than it is. You believe that some of
these criminals–karmic or real-life–only need love. I agree; somebody
ought to love them–and that somebody is you. Ready your ice kayak and your
burn cream. The flaming reservoir awaits.




TAURUS
(April 20-May 20)



Although
most traditional wineries still stopper their bottles with actual cork, many
employ more modern plastic plugs. They claim that they can guarantee more consistent
results with the synthetic versions, which are less likely to be flawed or influence
the flavor of the wine itself. Taureans, as steadfast sensualists, tend to prefer
the old-fashioned, classier corks. Winemaking should be an art, not a science–with
mishaps and surprises and imperfections. A similar, much less intoxicating but
much more relevant debate is happening in your life. Stick to your guns, for
all our sakes. Most people would prefer the love-infused imperfection you’d
advocate over the cold (if scientifically accurate) version you’re up against.




GEMINI
(May 21-June 20)



Toss your
keys into the bucket as you enter the swinger’s party. At the end, each
wife will select a set and go home with someone else’s husband. Sounds
like a probable nightmare, doesn’t it? Unfortunately, it’s uncomfortably
similar to what you might experience this week. Since you’re likely to
have at least a moment or three of intimacy with someone you’d never expect
to, try to remember that it’s probably as embarrassing and traumatic (and
secretly titillating) for them as it is for you. That should help a little,
along with the knowledge that it’ll be over and nearly forgotten very soon.
Oh, and wear clean underwear. That’ll help too.




CANCER
(June 21-July 22)



You believe
that things you ingest have almost limitless power to improve your life, from
Prozac and vitamins to antibiotics and Viagra. So why are you so resistant to
the idea that you could be suffering from an outside influence as heady as those
seemingly magical remedies? Whatever emotional problems you’re having don’t
necessarily come from within. Astrological indications suggest that some of
them could have their sources in something that’s as common and deviously
potent as sugar (hell, it might even be sugar; the stuff is evil). More
than anything I want you to free yourself from the yoke of outside emotional
oppression. The first step comes this week: figuring out exactly what that yoke
is.




LEO (July
23-Aug. 22)



Imagine
you fell in love with someone who was nearly eight-feet-tall. You’d intimately
share the trials your seven-foot-seven lover had to endure living in a world
made for shorter people. Empathetically, you’d stoop when walking through
doorways, cringe while cramming into cars and stoically ignore people’s
insensitive stares and rude comments. I can’t imagine you shrinking from
such a challenge. When faced with a similar (if perhaps less obvious) trial,
exercise your world-famous loyalty. I’ve bet all that your steadfastness
will prove superior to whatever tests it must endure. Prove me right, please.




VIRGO
(Aug. 23-Sept. 22)



If you were
a cow, you’d have four stomachs–and each one would be packed with
partially digested vegetation. You couldn’t possibly eat another bite of
even something as innocuous as a mouthful of grass. Don’t put anything
else on your plate, or common sense forbid, your mouth, this week. Why risk
screwing up everything just to accomplish one more measly task? Relax. Just
sit back, chew your cud and digest what you’ve already taken on. If you
dare thwart my helpful advice you won’t just make yourself sick; you’ll
explode. Really.




LIBRA
(Sept. 23-Oct. 22)



Those who
live in candy houses shouldn’t tease fat people. From my vantage point
you’re perched in a gingerbread tower snidely throwing hard candies at
a horde of insatiable gluttons. Are you crazy? Chumming the waters just before
you jump in is probably not the best idea, and since these sharks have the power
to drag you in against your will, it’s an especially bad call. Quit before
it’s too late, Libra. It’s still possible to preserve the rock candy
heart of your edible abode, even if the chocolatey outer walls get devoured.
Use that marvelous tact you’re so renowned for and quit antagonizing the
specific people who have the most potential and desire to take you down.




SCORPIO
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)



Unless interstellar
travel becomes convenient in a way that contradicts current laws of physics,
the only meaningful or profitable trade between interplanetary cultures would
be an exchange of ideas. Ideas and information are already as valuable as concrete
goods in many situations–and will someday make traditional coinage obsolete.
I mention all this because a prophetic example of this very situation is likely
to play out in your near future. No one wants to buy your stuff–it’s
what’s in your head and heart that has high market value. Therefore, since
your thoughts are your best currency, be careful how you spend them.




SAGITTARIUS
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)



Your confidence
is badly shaken. Here’s why: over the last few months your usual talent
for combining the ridiculous and the sublime has gone severely awry. There have
been tasteless disasters like gold-plated dildos and overly serious fashion
interventions. But just because the recent surprises you’d planned turned
out, in retrospect, to be horribly useless and fell depressingly flat instead
of evoking the laughs you intended doesn’t mean you’ve forever lost
your droll touch. Some of the astrological impediments to your successful combination
of dour and delightful have been removed, and this week you should be able to
make people laugh and think at the same time, finally. Have faith in your unique
ability’s belated return, and use it.




CAPRICORN
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)



Paranoia,
to some degree, is understandable, given the state of the world today. But don’t
let it get so out of hand that you become obsessed (or driven, as only a Cap
can) with one idea, like building a makeshift bomb shelter in your basement,
or plotting a move to New Zealand. As Saturn’s unruly children, you’ve
suffered enough. Don’t compound your misery with unnecessary concerns.
The universe has always been hard on you–because you need that pounding
to become the forces to be reckoned with that you are. But this week you’re
being rewarded with a long overdue break. I hope you stop beating yourself up
long enough to notice it.




AQUARIUS
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)



Chita Rivera
rocks. Your fellow Aquarian, who’s enjoyed half a century of Broadway fame,
is still so sexy and athletic at 70 she’s the envy of women (and gay men)
twenty or forty years younger than she is. Only Aquarians and Capricorns (who
age backwards) can hope to merit adjectives like "alluring" and "agile"
into their old age. So you’d better stop bitching and moaning about what
are, in general, minor flaws. Take your cue from Chita. You’ve barely tapped
your potential. You’ve got decades to go, and the way it looks from here,
you still haven’t hit your peak.




PISCES
(Feb. 19-March 20)



Millions
of protestors worldwide are probably wishing certain national leaders were more
like Cincinnatus of ancient Rome. When the Senate asked him to save them from
a perilous siege, he reluctantly left his farm and led the Roman army to victory.
Immediately afterwards, he shed the power they’d forced upon him and returned
to his plow. Sometimes violence is required–but restraint and disinclination
towards it are always good qualities. Most Pisces would never be guilty of such
a sin, but certain of your closest companions have seized the reins of power
and held on to them far longer than was strictly necessary. Gently encourage
them, as only you can, to finally let them go.


This Week’s Horoscope

Written by None - Do not Delete on . Posted in Posts.


Aries
(March 21-April 19)



Stephen
King once jokingly claimed that he derived inspiration for his terrifying prose
from the pickled heart of a slave boy who lived before the Civil War, which
he kept in a jar on his desk. Although the famous author of horror fiction doesn’t
actually own such a thing, you might take inspiration from his tall tale, because
certain unlikely talismans in your life have recently become supercharged with
power to arouse and instigate you. Since you have a special need to be on your
best game, make use of these and any other lucky charms or advantages you might
possess.




Taurus
(April 20-May 20)



I wish you
could subject pieces of your soul to physical treatments this week. For instance,
your pride really needs a good ironing; recent events have left it wrinkled
and unwearable–and you deserve better than that. Your general outlook,
stained as it is with cynicism and gloom (also triggered by certain experiences
of late), could use a good spin through the washing machine. A good scrub and
an infusion of some fresh-smelling optimism would really help things. Although
obviously a literal enactment of these actions is impossible, can’t you
go there in your head? Treat your problems like tough stains or fashion faux
pas, and either systematically scrub them clean or throw them out.




Gemini
(May 21-June 20)



Misery loves
company–so watch out. Whiners and mopers are drawn to you like flies to
shit this week. Don’t let them land; the last thing you need is the oozing
maggots of their depression squirming through your psyche. That’s not to
say you should be a fair-weather friend and refuse help to loved ones in need.
Just be discerning; figure out who you can actually pull from the mire of their
melancholy and who’s more likely to drag you in. Some people are just determined
to feel bad for a little while, as part of their process, and there’s nothing
you can do about it–so don’t try.




Cancer
(June 21-July 22)



Shave your
head. Start a cult. Quit your tv addiction. This is the best week this year
to put your most radical inspirations into effect. All those "crazy"
ideas you thought you might like to try are more likely to succeed now than
at any other time. The Aries new moon is primed to lend extra vigor and follow-through
to any dramatic changes you’d consider. So go for it. And if you don’t
do it this week, you might as well shelve the whole idea, at least for a while–if
you can’t work up the nerve for it now, you’re not going to be able
to for a long time.




Leo (July
23-Aug. 22)



I spent
the whole day scrubbing my apartment for a party I was hosting. I was amused
throughout by the irony of cleaning the place just so it could be trashed hours
later. Sound familiar? Your heart is my apartment. It could imminently play
host to a very fun–but messy–party, but no one’s going to want
to show up and stay unless you get it all tidied up. What a sty! My god, the
underwear from your last fuck is still lying on the floor! Motivating to scrub
your most sacrosanct emotional retreats so you can play host to a new guest
or guests might be difficult, especially since they’re liable to mess it
all up again, but come on, now. It needs to be done anyway, so just do it.



Virgo
(Aug. 23-Sept. 22)



My friend
saved a dog’s life. He saw her fall through the melting ice of a pond she’d
been playing on. No one seemed to notice, or care, so he plunged into the water,
breaking the thin ice with fists and boots so he could rescue the hapless hound,
heedless that he’d have to show up at work an hour later soaked to the
chest with icy pond water. He saw a problem–and seemed to be only one.
So he decided to solve it himself, the only way he could–as should you.
No matter that the quandaries you perceive are more complicated, layered, incredibly
inconvenient, and generally daunting than usual. Think of what you stand to
gain, not lose. My friend’s clothes and shoes were ruined–but he saved
a life.




Libra
(Sept. 23-Oct. 22)



Caligula,
of ancient Rome, as a show of contempt for the incumbent senators, is reputed
to have given his favorite horse, Incitatus, a consulship. He said the creature
would do a better job than any actual humans vying for political positions.
Beware of attitudes like the notorious emperor’s. Bite your acid tongue.
As much as you may want to read someone or rub his face in his own ignorance
or incompetence, show some restraint. Your disdain is probably entirely justified,
but your sarcasm will get you into more trouble than it’s worth. Is a moment’s
sweet satisfaction worth weeks of subsequent aggravation? I doubt it.




Scorpio
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)



A lawyer
smashed his pickup truck through the gates of his own gated community in a fit
of frustration. He was tired of having to identify himself at the entrance to
preserve his neighbors’ "prestige and property values." You understand,
don’t you? Follow his example. The emotional barriers that are supposedly
protecting you are as ineffectual and obstructive as the rent-a-cops and flimsy
gates of his community. They’re just restricting you, slowing you down,
and lending you a false sense of security. Screw that. Do what the attorney
did: Drive through them, and sue anyone who tries to stop you.




Sagittarius
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)



A sudden
shift in altitude can make your eardrums pop. Sometimes, the effect is dramatic.
You hadn’t noticed that your ability to hear clearly had become impaired
until the muted ambient sounds sprang suddenly into clarity and booming volume.
That’s the best way I can describe what you may become aware of–if
you’re paying attention–when your ruling planet, Jupiter, returns
to forward motion after months of retrograde movement. I’m just warning
you so you won’t be shell-shocked, alarmed, or frightened when your life’s
vividness abruptly escalates–instead, be delighted, excited, and inspired.




Capricorn
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)



When brainstorming
strategies this week, return to your Capricornian roots–consider absolutely
every option available. Later, you can discard certain tactics based on ethical
or philosophical grounds, but don’t limit your imagination right off. For
example, if your goal were seduction, your first impulse might be to try a purely
romantic approach, using flattering candlelight, flattery, rose petals, and
champagne. But you shouldn’t, at least at the outset, ignore the uglier
(but arguably more certain) options of drugging or paying your potential partner.
Since your best approach lies somewhere between your most effective and least
objectionable alternatives, make sure you’re aware of them all.




Aquarius
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)



Don’t
overthink. You’re sort of a superbrain in general, but your tendency to
look for complex solutions is your downfall this week–since the answers
to most of your problems are so blindingly obvious and simple that you’re
sure to miss them. Your troubleshooting is often too in-depth, too soon. Before
you begin eagerly dismantling a supposedly "broken" machine, make
sure it was plugged in when you tested it, first. Your emotional quandaries
might be astoundingly easy to solve this week as well–so why complicate
them with circuitous, meandering resolutions?




Pisces
(Feb. 19-March 20)



Ugh. You
were enticed from afar by what appeared to be a beautiful, aromatic rose. Upon
closer inspection it turned out to be one of those huge, insectivorous flowers
that reek of rotting meat. Take a breath (through your mouth, if necessary).
There’s still beauty to be found here, if only in evolution’s inelegant
but effective design. Try not to be too disappointed that it’s not what
you expected, or were even looking for. Accept what is. Watch the flies buzz
in to their dooms and smile. If you can graciously and enthusiastically receive
what’s given, asked for or no, you’re more likely to get what you
really want, as soon as it’s available.



This Week’s Horoscope

Written by None - Do not Delete on . Posted in Posts.



Naked protestors,
hundreds of them, populated downtown Santiago a week and a half ago as a petition
for peace. Please imitate those uninhibited Chileans. Your goals are best met
by strategies that are as fun, sexy and startling as their nude lobbying. Show
some skin, get wild–and then once you have everyone’s attention, ask
for what you want. It’s as simple as clearly articulating your desires
to an attentive audience (and universe). And hey, look at it this way–even
if you don’t get exactly what you were looking for, you: a) probably had
a good time; b) gave everyone a thrill; c) generated yet another great story
to tell your grandkids someday.




Aries
(March 21-April 19)



Hang-glider
strapped to his back, Mercury’s poised on a wobbly Piscean precipice, preparing
to careen wildly into your sign with euphoric oddball grace. Once his smoothtalking
energy is hitched to that of your rowdy ruling planet, Mars (currently occupying
the territory of those steadfast Capricorns), you’ll be fully charged with
both drive and jive. The last time you had anything approaching this dynamic
duo simultaneously silvercoating and supercharging your actions, you earned
a promotion, the unshakeable loyalty of a friend, the begrudging respect of
a longtime critic, or all three. What will you do this time?




Taurus
(April 20-May 20)



Humor mitigates
tragedy. That’s the lesson of the week–although you hopefully won’t
suffer any major calamities, you will have ample opportunity to practice effective
combinations of silliness and seriousness. Pay attention; this could be one
of your principal social talents if you choose to develop it. Only Bulls consistently
possess the right amalgamation of wit and wisdom to do this properly, as well
as the awareness that to lead a happy life you must develop the ability to laugh
in the face of despair. Since you can help so many desperate people do that,
you’d be wicked not to.




Gemini
(May 21-June 20)



You’re
more wiseass than wise, usually, but you’re still too smart to openly defy
the overzealous authority figures currently encroaching on your personal space.
However, you’re cunning enough to know that there are ways to fuck someone
over, even when you can’t shake your fist in his face or kick some ass.
Nevertheless, resist those tiny opportunities for vengeance and rebellion. They
may feel good in the short term, but they’re hardly longterm solutions.
You’ll only glimpse your next opportunity for a much more profound, lasting
and positive form of reckoning if your eyes aren’t riveted to petty concerns.
Don’t worry. They’ll get theirs, and you’ll get yours. Just be
patient.




Cancer
(June 21-July 22)



Watch The
Fly
–it’s a perfect example of how a tiny inconsistency, imperfection
or error can blow up into a huge catastrophe this week. Disaster is wholly avoidable–but
will require extra effort, care and attention. On the flipside, while you’re
diligently sitting on every molehill to keep it from swelling into a mountain,
you can take advantage of the magnifying tendency of this week’s cosmic
influences–because it works positively as well as negatively. That means
every miniscule good deed you do brings you one giant step closer to sainthood,
and every diminutive act of creativity (even something as silly as a doodle
on a sticky-note) could balloon into a phenomenal opus, almost without any effort
from you.



Leo (July
23-Aug. 22)



Leos, despite
their imperiousness and inflated sense of entitlement, are rarely hubristic.
You can usually remember how silly you are, even while dishing out orders (for
everyone’s good, of course). But this week you are in danger of subtly
crossing a line that you’d probably prefer to stay on this side of. Remind
yourself, any way you can, that while you’re the sovereign ruler of your
own little kingdom, you’re hardly a god. Harping on your imperfections
is never a good idea, but remembering them might be in order this week.
So don your crown, but before you do, inscribe it with this gentle self-admonishment:
"Needs improvement."




Virgo
(Aug. 23-Sept. 22)



Torture,
for a Virgo, is throwing out your back. Suddenly, you can’t do anything
for yourself; you’re required to depend on everyone around you while you
lay as flat and still as possible–and nothing gets done quite how you like
it. Yes, it’s about time you realized: You’re high maintenance. But
take consolation in the fact that under normal circumstances you’re quite
good at maintaining yourself. Since you have some slack-time this week–and
a fully functioning back–set things up so that next time you’re laid
out, you’re not too put out.




Libra
(Sept. 23-Oct. 22)



A nudge
won’t do. Even a swift kick in the ass might not be enough. So I’m
going to do my full-on best to shove you toward decisiveness. For two months,
you’ve been contemplating an admittedly tremendous leap of faith. But we’re
sick of watching you sway on the edge of that abyss. Jump already, or go back
to the couch and watch some more tv. It’s time to finally shit or get off
the pot. Make your decision this week, please. It’ll feel so good to finally
commit that living with your choice will be no sweat, I swear.




Scorpio
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)



You sadistic
sweetheart. Everyone knows what the sadist within you is like at his/her worst.
But at subtle, slightly restrained and conscious best, you’re wonderful
to be around, because you challenge and push boundaries. People tend to rise
to those challenges, and end up far less limited than they were before your
crafty, delicate torture began. Only an idiot would suggest you try to eliminate
your tenderly brutal impulses, because it’s both impossible and ridiculously
unnecessary. However, curbing them is in order. It’s the same lesson you’ve
had to learn again and again: Healer and destroyer are simply two sides of your
coin. It’s your call which way it lands.




Sagittarius
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)



Everyone
has moments of horrified realization: "I’ve become my mother!"
"I have too many cats; I’m turning into the neighborhood crazy lady!"
"I’m 30 and I’ve never had a serious relationship." Sagittarians
generally lead an enviably carefree existence. You let most shit roll off your
back. The problem with that attitude is that when the scary stuff strikes, it
really nails you. Not that you should start worrying about everything, like
those chronically concerned Cancers. But when you have a moment or three, like
you will this week, start asking yourself those hard questions so you won’t
be floored by the answers when they finally hit.




Capricorn
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)



Spring Break
is here early this year, for you Goats. Time to get silly, adventurous and–if
at all possible–downright wild. Capricorns, as a rule, tend to be overly
serious, especially when it comes to relationships. Have a fling. Better yet–have
three, four or more. Have your cake, eat it too, then go back for cookies and
ice cream. This is the best week in months to indulge your deepest, most repressed
Dionysian urges. You can go back to your monkish good behavior next week, but
please, take a long weekend to let loose. Engage in activity worthy of any Girls
Gone Wild
video. You never know when (and if) you’ll get your next
chance.




Aquarius
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)



Imaginative
bedroom frolics might be in order this week, but just because Venus and Neptune
are having kinky sex in your sign doesn’t mean that’s all that frisky
creative energy is good for. You’ve sometimes got very rigid ideas about
Things You Do and Things You Don’t, but you shouldn’t fear to cross
those lines every once in a while. Enjoying tying up your boyfriend once in
a while doesn’t make you a full-fledged bondage fetishist (not that there’d
be anything wrong with that, either). The same goes for nonsexual activities
that lie outside your "normal" boundaries. Since numerous treasures
lie outside your routine realm of experience, an adventurous spirit is just
what the doctor and those boinking planets ordered.



Caeriel@yahoo.com


This week’s horoscope

Written by None - Do not Delete on . Posted in Posts.



At 35 degrees
Fahrenheit, the weather makes you crazy. The charcoal sky dumps chill rain over
a perfectly good snowfall, converting those perfect, clean, beautiful expanses
of pure white to foot-soaking gray slush piles for you to plod in. Frustrating,
ain’t it, especially since my weather metaphor refers to your inner world,
not the outdoors. Don’t fret too much about the miserable state of your
soul’s streets, since there’s nothing you can do about it until the
frigid sludge makes its languid way into the sewers. In the meantime, slip into
some hip-waders so you can do what you gotta do, slush or no.




Aries
(March 21-April 19)



Robin Hood,
save us. Although no one expects you to actually steal from the rich to give
to the poor, something akin to that feat is demanded of you this week, at least
on an emotional level. Borrow from the well-adjusted (namely, you) to care for
the spiritual orphans in your life. It’s misleading to think that you can
make anyone mentally healthy, but you can facilitate healing by eliminating
other distractions or obstacles to successful life strategies. It’s a win-win
situation, really. For having such a self-centered reputation, Aries, you sure
feel good about helping other people–and in so doing, you help yourself.
I guarantee you that for every person you lend a hand to, your peace of mind
will increase accordingly.



Taurus
(April 20-May 20)



Mission
accomplished. Only you didn’t even know you were on a quest until it was
over! Sometimes good things happen that way, like this week, when your best
successes will occur almost totally by chance. If only all accidents were this
happy. Don’t kick yourself for not thinking of the brilliance you stumbled
on. You manifested your serendipitous circumstance somehow, if only subconsciously,
and you deserve it. Plenty of time to plot a host of genius coups later. For
now, enjoy your unplanned triumphs. No one else need know they were mostly unintentional.




Gemini
(May 21-June 20)



Before you
embark on this whole trip about feeling persecuted, examine the circumstances
surrounding your supposed discriminatory maltreatment. You may have reason to
feel singled out, but the universe is not out to get you; there’s
not much actual malicious intent behind your misfortune. During an extended
visit at my friend’s house, his puppy chewed both pairs of shoes I’d
brought with me, leaving the dozens of other sneakers, boots, and slippers next
to them ungnawed. I may have been the only one who suffered from his teething
rituals, but I’m not feeling like Job. Nor should you. Accept that your
solitary tribulations were unplanned and move on.




Cancer
(June 21-July 22)



Second chances
rock. I rarely count on doing things correctly or well the first time I attempt
them. Usually my initial stab at something is sloppy and terribly imperfect.
But I gladly and gleefully repeat the activity as many times as it takes, each
time improving and expanding on the last version, until I’ve refined my
method. However workable my approach is, it’s also time-consuming and frustrating.
That’s why I envy you weeks like the next two, where not only is any ambition
easily within your reach, but you can conceive of accomplishing it in a way
I can hardly imagine: Doing it once, without practice, and getting it exactly
right, the very first time.




Leo (July
23-Aug. 22)



Trust the
universe, my beloved Lion. Before you pawn your precious heirloom jewelry to
pay the rent, or sell your tender ass on the street corner to keep the electricity
on, take a deep breath. It’s rough when things are this tight, especially
for luxury-loving Leos. Don’t panic, or sink into a doldrums of regret,
deploring past extravagances. You will be taken care of before you’re forced
to resort to extremes like those I mentioned. However, you might have to skimp–for
a little while–on the lifestyle to which you’ve become accustomed.
So what? Tighten your belt and console yourself that at least you’re thinner
and cooler (poverty builds character) than you were before.




Virgo
(Aug. 23-Sept. 22)



Impatient
skepticism will be your predominant feeling this week, as you’re forced
to endure annoyingly pointless events like canine birthday parties or globally
organized protest marches. Futile exercises like these don’t accomplish
anything besides wasting time–something you chronically have too little
of. However, I suggest you endure them with good grace, saintly patience, and
a smile. Since they’re unavoidable (especially because shirking them would
lead to more tedious or awful scenarios down the line), you might as well make
the best of them. And who knows? They might do somebody, somewhere, some good.




Libra
(Sept. 23-Oct. 22)



It’s
your party, and you’ll cry if you want to. Fine. But that’s been your
attitude about a lot of things lately, and some of us are a little tired of
it. Your adamant determination to feel bad about things that aren’t, in
the grand scheme of things, all that bad, is confounding. I yield the point
that you’ve had to deal with some shit lately, and you have every right
to grouse about it. But keep in mind this one fact: The lousy times will continue
as long as you whine about them–and only that long. So quit your bitchin’
already.




Scorpio
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)



Few take
life more seriously than Scorps. That’s why it seems odd that so many of
you are so funny. You seemingly effortlessly elicit more smiles than whole hordes
of clowning Geminis. I believe it’s because you’ve tapped into one
of the essential truths of existence; if you can’t laugh at futility and
unknowability–and, ultimately, tragedy–you might as well die now.
Humor is the only antidote to the poisonous misery that life periodically throws
at you. Scorpions know venom; that’s why you make such amazing healers.
Work your magic on the people around you–they need it more than usual right
now. Make them laugh, cry, and laugh some more.



Sagittarius
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)



The phrase,
"too much freedom," does not compute, in your world. Unfortunately,
you’re in the minority; many people fear the great responsibility that
comes with space and choice, and the self-motivation required. Sadly, most people
just don’t know what to do with themselves most of the time. It’s
a failure of courage and imagination I hope you’ll never be guilty of.
However, don’t be too disparaging when people fall short of your standard.
Hope for the willingness to embrace absolute liberty, but don’t be too
harsh when they hold out their wrists to be shackled instead. Excite and instigate,
don’t judge and condemn. Your role as arbiter: tired. Your role as catalyst:
inspired.




Capricorn
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)



Cappies
are hardly the most innocent sign of the zodiac. But you’re so closemouthed
about your exploits that sometimes you come off that way. The truth–as
you and I know well–is that there’s almost nothing you won’t
try, given the right circumstance–and a certain amount of discretion. Often,
the most important factor determining whether or not you’re up for something
is who will find out. I urge you to discard that inhibition, at least temporarily,
because it’s very important that you explore some interesting and slightly
controversial stuff, in a setting where people will certainly notice. Instead
of worrying about who will find out, and letting that thwart you from what you
really want to do, assume everyone will find out, and…so what?




Aquarius
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)



Walls can
be built many different ways. You can stack stones, mortar bricks, or pour concrete.
They each have advantages and disadvantages. Some are cheaper or faster, others
are more durable but more painstaking to construct or too expensive. This week,
although you feel compelled to erect an internal barrier against theoretical
dangers, I suggest using the cheapest, fastest, most slapdash method you can
conceive of. I predict that in a couple weeks you won’t feel so threatened
by those perceived perils. Spend less time now, so you can spend less time later
demolishing the suddenly useless blockade. If it needs emotional dynamite to
come down, it’s too sturdy. If it’ll blow down under a strong sneeze,
it’s just about right.




Caeriel@yahoo.com


This Week’s Horoscope

Written by None - Do not Delete on . Posted in Posts.



There’s
no excuse to sit on the couch eating bonbons, Pisces—at least not this
week. With the sun’s nuclear force fueling you and Mercury and Neptune
engaged in a mind-meld almost entirely for your benefit, communicating your
ideas in a way that inspires you and others to actually do something about them
has rarely been simpler. Don’t waste your Tony Robbins-esque motivational
might—especially since your message is so relevant to so many in your life,
on numerous levels. We need you to lovingly kick our asses with your sweet wisdom.
Get up on that soapbox and preach, please. Amen, hallelujah.



Aries
(March 21-April 19)



My last
fight made me think of you. I actually lost my temper (a rare event) and threw
a cup of lukewarm chai at someone. Although that ridiculously juvenile and pathetic
gesture didn’t win me any points, I have to admit it felt sort of good.
This week, as you enter the crossroads I just left, consider your options: One
fork, down which you keep your cool, will more likely advance your agenda—if
in a totally lame, anticlimactic way. The other fork, the one where you blow
your lid and vent emotional steam, won’t win your argument for you. It’s
a tough choice. Think about it this way: It’s nice to get what you want,
but they say that people who express their anger live longer. It’s your
call.



Taurus
(April 20-May 20)



Sweetness
is the way to go. Forget a lame, linear agenda of always getting your way or
exactly what you want (sweetness alone rarely works for that). But if you’re
up for attempting a deeper game—a more evolved schema—like simply
aiming for a positive/constructive outcome to any given situation, honey will
work better than vinegar. This less selfish goal allows for surprising scenarios
that rock; that are, in fact, far superior to the ones you’d have manifested
on your own. This week, channel as much rich, molasses-thick kindness as you
can—forgetting the clenched, fake sweet of saccharin or the harsh tang
of vinegar—and you’re more likely to get more deeply satisfying shit
than the stuff you thought you wanted before.



Gemini
(May 21-June 20)



My dad used
to play this joke in which he’d rub a jalapeño pepper along the
rims of others’ drinking glasses. As they sought to quench the burning
with their beverages, they’d only aggravate the problem. Someone’s
played this kind of juvenile prank on you, Gem. Don’t fall for it. The
first two solutions your jittery brain will come up with can only exacerbate
the situation, not ameliorate it. When you start feeling the sting, don’t
frantically flail trying to extinguish it. If you resist your initial panic,
you’ll notice the pain isn’t as intense as it initially seemed—and
you’ll be able to find a realistic answer to it—one that will actually
work.



Cancer
(June 21-July 22)



You are
honestly the hardest sign to write a weekly horoscope for, Cancer. The problem:
your ruling planet is the moon, which slips from sign to sign with slutty abandon
every two and half days, and has myriad anonymous encounters with other planets
along the way. During that time, you’re likely to experience any number
of shifting moods, which might or might not mutate or catalyze significant events
in your life. I try to look at the bigger stuff, but sometimes—as you know—the
little shit is what’s most important—like this week. Ignore the tsunamis
that come your way. It’s the little waves before or after that are more
likely to knock you down.



Leo (July
23-Aug. 22)



Building
a rock wall is an art. You can’t just haphazardly stack stone; your structure
will collapse repeatedly into a shifting and dangerous mound of heavy granite.
The size, shape and heft of each stone has to be carefully evaluated and considered
in reference to the others to ensure a tight, stable fit. Constructing the inevitably
variable but necessarily dependable boundaries that define the edges of your
life is an even more painstaking process. As you develop and delineate the emotional
frontiers in your closest relationships this week, be careful. Don’t just
stack stone. Breathe deeply, take your time and do it right.



Virgo
(Aug. 23-Sept. 22)



University
of Tokyo’s Engineering Professor Susumu Tachi has developed invisibility
technology. He’s created retroreflective material that mirrors whatever’s
behind it, giving the illusion of transparency. Even though donning a cloak
of invisibility may seem just too Harry Potterish for you to take seriously,
you might wish you had one, anyway, this week. The more ably you fly under the
radar and avoid any and all notice, the better off you’ll be. Luckily for
you, you have your own form of imperceptibility that works without magic or
cutting-edge technology, since it’s based entirely on your own sense of
timing, tact and gut instinct. Use it.



Libra
(Sept. 23-Oct. 22)



Light acts
as both particle and wave, depending on the situation—but never both at
the same time; it can only be observed in one state or the other at any given
moment. This essential paradox resembles the koan of your existence right now.
(A koan is a riddle Zen Buddhists use to focus the mind during meditation and
enhance their intuitive powers.) Stop flipping your shit trying to wrap your
head around it. It’s something you can only understand with your heart.
Once you do, you’ll realize that not only can you be more than one apparently
contradictory thing—you have to be.



Scorpio
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)



You have
fleas, scabies and crabs. Although they’re manifesting more on the psychological
plane than the physical one, they’re no less injurious and real. These
tiny parasites have been burrowing under your spiritual armor for way too long
now. At first they seemed such a minor nuisance that you lazily refused to go
through the admittedly excessive hassle of actually ridding yourself of them.
But now their numerous, miniscule bites and irritations have mounted to an agonizing
itch that threatens to cloud every thought and obscure every action. Exterminating
them once and for all may be tortuous and complicated, but it’s never going
to get easier. Better now than later.



Sagittarius
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)



It’s
like you’d almost quit smoking. You’d done the patch/ inhaler/gum
thing, and finally kicked the physical cravings, if not the psychological ones.
You were just starting to actually taste food again. Your lungs had just begun
to heal. That’s why it’s so upsetting to see you fall off that wagon.
What’s missing from your disciplinary regime? A real decision—the
kind people make when they find out they’re pregnant or have cancer. Don’t
wait until your situation gets that extreme. If it’s a decision you’d
make under those circumstances, it’s one you should make in any case. Please
do so.



Capricorn
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)


I’m
no Zeus. Rarely do ideas spring, like goddesses, fully formed from my forehead.
Instead, they’re usually born as tiny, barely discernible seeds that only
develop into actually workable concepts after much nourishment and care. Many
of them never sprout at all, but I water every one, just in case. Although you’ve
experienced the occasional epiphany, your creative methods usually resemble
mine, out of necessity—which is why I’m surprised to see you neglecting
so many idea-plantlets. Stop waiting for an Athena-quality brainchild to be
born—even by spiritual C-section. Instead nourish the promise of each germ
of an idea you already have—there’s no other way to discover if it’ll
end up teeny or titanic.



Aquarius
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)



You bounce
between impractical genius and grounded brilliance; usually the trick is timing—knowing
which to utilize when. That’s where I can help. For instance, this is a
lousy week for mundane affairs, like balancing your checkbook, looking for a
job or negotiating a business deal. It’s much better for magnificent leaps
of imagination: learning to live happily on practically no money; envisioning
a lucrative career doing only what you want; or traversing the chaotic emotional
terrain between you and your fellow human beings. It’s like you’re
farsighted, instead of myopically focused on local minutiae—the more out
there something is this week, the better you can navigate it. Save the routine
trivia for later (or never).



Caeriel@yahoo.com


This Week’s Horoscope

Written by None - Do not Delete on . Posted in Posts.



There’s
no excuse to sit on the couch eating bonbons, Pisces—at least not this
week. With the sun’s nuclear force fueling you and Mercury and Neptune
engaged in a mind-meld almost entirely for your benefit, communicating your
ideas in a way that inspires you and others to actually do something about them
has rarely been simpler. Don’t waste your Tony Robbins-esque motivational
might—especially since your message is so relevant to so many in your life,
on numerous levels. We need you to lovingly kick our asses with your sweet wisdom.
Get up on that soapbox and preach, please. Amen, hallelujah.



Aries
(March 21-April 19)



My last
fight made me think of you. I actually lost my temper (a rare event) and threw
a cup of lukewarm chai at someone. Although that ridiculously juvenile and pathetic
gesture didn’t win me any points, I have to admit it felt sort of good.
This week, as you enter the crossroads I just left, consider your options: One
fork, down which you keep your cool, will more likely advance your agenda—if
in a totally lame, anticlimactic way. The other fork, the one where you blow
your lid and vent emotional steam, won’t win your argument for you. It’s
a tough choice. Think about it this way: It’s nice to get what you want,
but they say that people who express their anger live longer. It’s your
call.



Taurus
(April 20-May 20)



Sweetness
is the way to go. Forget a lame, linear agenda of always getting your way or
exactly what you want (sweetness alone rarely works for that). But if you’re
up for attempting a deeper game—a more evolved schema—like simply
aiming for a positive/constructive outcome to any given situation, honey will
work better than vinegar. This less selfish goal allows for surprising scenarios
that rock; that are, in fact, far superior to the ones you’d have manifested
on your own. This week, channel as much rich, molasses-thick kindness as you
can—forgetting the clenched, fake sweet of saccharin or the harsh tang
of vinegar—and you’re more likely to get more deeply satisfying shit
than the stuff you thought you wanted before.



Gemini
(May 21-June 20)



My dad used
to play this joke in which he’d rub a jalapeño pepper along the
rims of others’ drinking glasses. As they sought to quench the burning
with their beverages, they’d only aggravate the problem. Someone’s
played this kind of juvenile prank on you, Gem. Don’t fall for it. The
first two solutions your jittery brain will come up with can only exacerbate
the situation, not ameliorate it. When you start feeling the sting, don’t
frantically flail trying to extinguish it. If you resist your initial panic,
you’ll notice the pain isn’t as intense as it initially seemed—and
you’ll be able to find a realistic answer to it—one that will actually
work.



Cancer
(June 21-July 22)



You are
honestly the hardest sign to write a weekly horoscope for, Cancer. The problem:
your ruling planet is the moon, which slips from sign to sign with slutty abandon
every two and half days, and has myriad anonymous encounters with other planets
along the way. During that time, you’re likely to experience any number
of shifting moods, which might or might not mutate or catalyze significant events
in your life. I try to look at the bigger stuff, but sometimes—as you know—the
little shit is what’s most important—like this week. Ignore the tsunamis
that come your way. It’s the little waves before or after that are more
likely to knock you down.



Leo (July
23-Aug. 22)



Building
a rock wall is an art. You can’t just haphazardly stack stone; your structure
will collapse repeatedly into a shifting and dangerous mound of heavy granite.
The size, shape and heft of each stone has to be carefully evaluated and considered
in reference to the others to ensure a tight, stable fit. Constructing the inevitably
variable but necessarily dependable boundaries that define the edges of your
life is an even more painstaking process. As you develop and delineate the emotional
frontiers in your closest relationships this week, be careful. Don’t just
stack stone. Breathe deeply, take your time and do it right.



Virgo
(Aug. 23-Sept. 22)



University
of Tokyo’s Engineering Professor Susumu Tachi has developed invisibility
technology. He’s created retroreflective material that mirrors whatever’s
behind it, giving the illusion of transparency. Even though donning a cloak
of invisibility may seem just too Harry Potterish for you to take seriously,
you might wish you had one, anyway, this week. The more ably you fly under the
radar and avoid any and all notice, the better off you’ll be. Luckily for
you, you have your own form of imperceptibility that works without magic or
cutting-edge technology, since it’s based entirely on your own sense of
timing, tact and gut instinct. Use it.



Libra
(Sept. 23-Oct. 22)



Light acts
as both particle and wave, depending on the situation—but never both at
the same time; it can only be observed in one state or the other at any given
moment. This essential paradox resembles the koan of your existence right now.
(A koan is a riddle Zen Buddhists use to focus the mind during meditation and
enhance their intuitive powers.) Stop flipping your shit trying to wrap your
head around it. It’s something you can only understand with your heart.
Once you do, you’ll realize that not only can you be more than one apparently
contradictory thing—you have to be.



Scorpio
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)



You have
fleas, scabies and crabs. Although they’re manifesting more on the psychological
plane than the physical one, they’re no less injurious and real. These
tiny parasites have been burrowing under your spiritual armor for way too long
now. At first they seemed such a minor nuisance that you lazily refused to go
through the admittedly excessive hassle of actually ridding yourself of them.
But now their numerous, miniscule bites and irritations have mounted to an agonizing
itch that threatens to cloud every thought and obscure every action. Exterminating
them once and for all may be tortuous and complicated, but it’s never going
to get easier. Better now than later.



Sagittarius
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)



It’s
like you’d almost quit smoking. You’d done the patch/ inhaler/gum
thing, and finally kicked the physical cravings, if not the psychological ones.
You were just starting to actually taste food again. Your lungs had just begun
to heal. That’s why it’s so upsetting to see you fall off that wagon.
What’s missing from your disciplinary regime? A real decision—the
kind people make when they find out they’re pregnant or have cancer. Don’t
wait until your situation gets that extreme. If it’s a decision you’d
make under those circumstances, it’s one you should make in any case. Please
do so.



Capricorn
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)


I’m
no Zeus. Rarely do ideas spring, like goddesses, fully formed from my forehead.
Instead, they’re usually born as tiny, barely discernible seeds that only
develop into actually workable concepts after much nourishment and care. Many
of them never sprout at all, but I water every one, just in case. Although you’ve
experienced the occasional epiphany, your creative methods usually resemble
mine, out of necessity—which is why I’m surprised to see you neglecting
so many idea-plantlets. Stop waiting for an Athena-quality brainchild to be
born—even by spiritual C-section. Instead nourish the promise of each germ
of an idea you already have—there’s no other way to discover if it’ll
end up teeny or titanic.



Aquarius
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)



You bounce
between impractical genius and grounded brilliance; usually the trick is timing—knowing
which to utilize when. That’s where I can help. For instance, this is a
lousy week for mundane affairs, like balancing your checkbook, looking for a
job or negotiating a business deal. It’s much better for magnificent leaps
of imagination: learning to live happily on practically no money; envisioning
a lucrative career doing only what you want; or traversing the chaotic emotional
terrain between you and your fellow human beings. It’s like you’re
farsighted, instead of myopically focused on local minutiae—the more out
there something is this week, the better you can navigate it. Save the routine
trivia for later (or never).



Caeriel@yahoo.com


This Week’s Horoscope

Written by None - Do not Delete on . Posted in Posts.


Aquarius
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)



Stand-up
basses are the sexiest musical instruments ever. Even the homeliest fellow or
gal can look seriously hot while coaxing a thrumming deep groove out of one
of those beautiful instruments. It’s a marvelously tangible example of
two of my favorite notions, both of which will help you boost your ailing ego
this week: 1. You are what you do, not necessarily what you look like. Your
actions can do far more for your sex appeal than plastic surgery. 2. It’s
tired but true: Beauty rests in the eye of the beholder. It doesn’t matter
if you think you’re all that. All that matters is that someone will–if
you let them.



Pisces
(Feb. 19-March 20)



Kook. Unlike
most people, whose mental conflicts generally occur between dull reason and
outlandish imagination, yours are odd battles between unquestionably zany ideas.
(You usually bar entrance to tediously rational ones.) It’s one of many
reasons we adore you–but it’s dangerous, sometimes, too. If I could
press a stethoscope to your head and listen to your brainwaves, I imagine they’d
sound like a pair of dueling banjos. As the fingerpicking gets faster and more
furious, you get so swept up in the frenzy without even once noticing how out-there
the opinions or plans you’re contemplating are. Take a cue from those wild,
good ol’-timey instruments and instead of feverishly debating between untenable
visits to Pluto or Alpha Centauri, simply return to Earth.



Aries
(March 21-April 19)



Your meltdowns
are usually self-induced. You frequently approach that precipice of mental overload,
for no good reason. It’s like you’re trying to watch tv, listen to
the radio, surf the Internet, talk on the phone and drive–all at once.
Maybe it’s stuff that must be done, but crammed into too little time or
space. Don’t overtax your impressive but still limited ability to absorb
and respond to information by making it all overlap–that tactic will result
only in what you’ve experienced too much of lately: a continuous undercurrent
of anxiety, even panic. Simplify, darling, simplify. This week, take your time,
and reduce the number of things you’ll attempt in any given moment to two,
one or none.



Taurus
(April 20-May 20)



Beauty can
handicap. Everyone’s met that pretty person who’s never had to develop
herself, because her good looks yield easy results. Character-building is often
painful and hard; someone who’s never experienced its benefits might shy
away from it, if given the opportunity. Taureans rarely shrink from doing things
right, though, even if it’s unpleasant or difficult. As a result, they’re
sturdier and more fascinating, if a little more battle-scarred. Remember that
taking the thornier path has made you the stronger and more profoundly lovely
person you are today, so that when you’re faced with this week’s two
options, you’ll choose the right one.



Gemini
(May 21-June 20)



The detritus
of a thousand other projects can only impede you. Your synapses need room to
flex and stretch. It’s hard to originate new ideas and attitudes while
surrounded by layers of aging mental clutter. Make space in your head for mental
gymnastics. Take advantage of the sympathetic relationship between outer and
inner worlds: clean your house. As without, so within: if you only clear a tiny
area in the corner, you’re only going to have tiny ideas. But if you liberate
a ballroom, football field or galaxy inside your brain, you can entertain concepts
of any size, from microscopic, to behemoth, to celestially vast.



Cancer
(June 21-July 22)



Rich folk
of previous centuries commissioned the most famous and talented artists of their
times to paint their portraits. This mutually beneficial arrangement guaranteed
some form of immortality for those old-school aristocrats, supported and added
to the culture that made their wealth and civilization meaningful, and also
made sure the talented visionaries of their time had money with which to eat
and live. Have loftier goals than fulfilling one or two people. This week, mimic
that (admittedly imperfect) system at its best, and discover ways to help yourself
while helping and pleasing others as well.



Leo (July
23-Aug. 22)



Inflexibility
often accompanies age, particularly among those opinionated, superior Leos.
Just because your abilities and tastes are better than most people’s
doesn’t mean they’re the best, or even as exceptional as they could
be. Don’t be an old dog who won’t learn new tricks. Keeping an open
mind and robust emotional resilience is the key to feeling alive. Life is not
just about the pursuit and satisfaction of known pleasures and the avoidance
of notorious annoyances. Make room for the new. The novel joys can only enrich
you, and the fresh disturbances will build character–and Leos can never
have too much.



Virgo
(Aug. 23-Sept. 22)



Luxurious
decadence is mostly wasted on you Virgos. While you can theoretically appreciate
frivolous pleasures like breakfast in bed, bubble baths and all-day beauty treatments,
you have to be forced to indulge in them. It’s like pulling teeth to get
you to lie around and accept pampering and bounty. However, since all this week’s
blessings will come packaged in the form of supposedly superfluous lavishness,
I suggest you resign yourself to at least a few hours of pleasurable idleness.
You don’t have to slave and toil to earn all of life’s gratifications.
Sometimes you’re given a complimentary pass to Easy Street where they’re
doled out for free. When you’re handed one this week, use it, won’t
you?



Libra
(Sept. 23-Oct. 22)



You’re
a god. Or at least royalty. You’re more powerful than almost everyone who’s
ever lived. For example: Practically any type of food is handily available to
you, accompanied by expert preparation and service, if you don’t feel like
cooking; you have more information at your fingertips than did most governments
before the last two decades; and newfangled gadgets (cellphones and the like)
bequeath on you virtual superpowers, such as telepathy and clairvoyance. So
quit your bitchin’. Despite your very real problems, you’re better
off than most of humanity throughout history, and more empowered to solve them.
Ignore the few evil impediments to your happiness and start really noticing
the veritable mountains of blessings designed to facilitate it.



Scorpio
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)



Hit the
emotional reset button, already. Obviously, that’s a little more complicated
than clicking <RESTART>. However, you’ve got to figure out a way
to get yourself to that internal zero place, where you can react to every situation
freshly, instead of being bogged down with the tired and outdated remnants of
old programming. Don’t misunderstand; you shouldn’t erase your entire
mental hard drive. The goal isn’t amnesia; you don’t need to forget
all that’s gone before–just prevent burial beneath past experience.
Let memories sustain, heal and empower you, but never limit you.



Sagittarius
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)



Agent Orange
you’re not, quite. But Sagittarians are notorious plant-killers, although
it’s usually herbicide-by-neglect, not malicious intent. Still, I can’t
help thinking that if you learned to keep a plant alive–that is, gave consistent
and reliable loving care and attention to something small, silent and undemanding,
you’d be impeccably prepared for the challenges of the coming weeks and
months. Gone are the days when the things you were required to do were explicitly
spelled out for you, especially in regard to emotional maintenance. The only
way you’ll learn the consequences of neglect in the world of your relationships
is the hard way–when it’s too late to do anything about it, and the
only thing left to do is toss the brown and withered husk of what’s left
out with the weekly trash. Water the plants; water your life.



Capricorn
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)



Winter bites.
This is my first real winter after years spent in balmier climates. Now
I’m exposed to frigid temperatures and bone-cracking winds that are just
fucking sick and wrong. You may consider me a wimp with thin blood and not enough
meat on his bones; perhaps you’re accustomed to Antarctic chills. Please
have sympathy for me, anyway. This week, considering where people are coming
from is more relevant and evolved than judging them based on your own experience.
Your standards aren’t The Standards. Luckily, it works both ways: if you
compassionately remember that things that are astonishingly simple for you might
be colossal challenges for others, they’ll be kind in return when you trip
over tricks they mastered ages ago.



This Week’s Horoscope

Written by None - Do not Delete on . Posted in Posts.


Aquarius
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)



Your luck
is failing. This is not a good week for those mad adventures that require legendary
escapes, like the sprint-and-slide-under-the-lowering-garage-door move. Also
skip the ones that call for gambling your entire fortune on the bet with the
longest odds. This week, the door will catch you, and you’ll lose your
wad. It’ll just be humiliating. You’ll have to limp home with an empty
wallet, dejected. However, there is one small stroke of good fortune to go along
with the crappy black-cloud-of-doom-and-gloom: your ability to spot a sure thing
just increased exponentially.



Pisces
(Feb. 19-March 20)



Her Majesty
is coming to your town. It doesn’t even matter which country she’s
a figurehead of. Nor does it matter whether you’re one of her thrilled
fans, ready to line the streets with her other pennant-waving worshippers, or
if you’re just going to roll your eyes with jaded bemusement and try to
go about your day as usual. Whether or not you buy into the arbitrary royalty
bullshit is irrelevant. What matters is you won’t be able to ignore this
visit. The whole town is going to be turned upside down by her arrival. Traffic
will be snarled for miles, and her paparazzi will be everywhere you want to
go. What to do, when you can’t ignore or prevent something? Pretend it’s
a giant ocean wave, coming your way, and duck beneath the crest, hold your breath
and ride it out.



Aries
(March 21-April 19)



Elitist
mentality, be gone! It’s time for a belated New Year’s resolution.
I didn’t mention it last month, because you weren’t emotionally positioned
to give it a go, but you are now. Cut down on your snootiness. It’s no
major fault; Rams are generally unpretentious and personable. But you are opinionated,
and those few who still bear the brunt of your judgment suffer, big-time. For
your own sake, as well as those unfortunates, reduce the amount of contempt
you feel by at least 20 percent. Stop looking down on whoever it is you look
down on, whether it’s a group as a whole (inbred Appalachian hicks, Staten
Islanders or the French), or individuals (your boss, an anorexic friend or your
roommate the cat-lover). Be more egalitarian than ever–and don’t look
down your nose at those who aren’t quite so evolved.



Taurus
(April 20-May 20)



Your body
knows. It’s hard to really "get" some things, like snowboarding,
swimming or riding a bike, until they physically sink in. Vividly imagining
a process is way less tricky than commanding your limbs to manifest it. Some
intentions operate the same way. Until they become automatic, it’s easy
to lapse into less-healthy or -fruitful patterns. Fear not. The knowledge you’ve
struggled to learn is burrowing ever deeper. Soon it will inhabit your bones,
and flow through your veins, not just your head. Remember when Dad taught you
to ride that bike? You fell down every time he let go of the seat, until one
time, you didn’t–and you almost never fell again.



Gemini
(May 21-June 20)



Real monsters
are virtually extinct. Most things people fear these days, by way of monsters,
are unlikely possibilities generated by overworked minds. Yawn. You know this.
So why have you been cringing and dramatically limiting your behavior based
on fiends that are as imaginary and ridiculous as the furry creature that lives
under your bed and the ghoul who inhabits your closet? There are only about
five actual bogeymen left in the world, and you’re not in immediate danger
from any of them. Go back to your old habits of living fearlessly. If you have
trouble remembering how, just remind yourself with this terror-squelching mantra:
"I am the bogeyman."



Cancer
(June 21-July 22)



Wiping the
mental blackboard clean is a good start. It was covered in primitive chalk doodles
dating from kindergarten, practically–very basic stuff you absorbed and
outgrew ages ago. But don’t stop with updating the lessons you had scrawled
there–trash the whole damn thing. You don’t just need new material
to learn, you need new methods of learning–faster, more exciting, better
ones. A scrubbed blackboard is so limited. Replace it with a huge plasma touchscreen
with millions of colors. Forget the dated material you’d been working with,
and prepare yourself to absorb the cutting-edge lessons you’re finally
ready to learn.



Leo (July
23-Aug. 22)



Become what
you love. It’s simple, once you believe it’s possible. Leos excel
at self-fulfilling prophecies. Many forces conspire to make us become what we
despise. Hate is a powerful and perversely magnetic emotion. But that trap is
avoidable. Take what and who you adore and admire off their pedestals. They
are amazing–but so are you. You’re their equal–all you
need to do is admit it to yourself, and trim some of the self-sabotage, like
excess fat on a side of beef, from your life. It’s that simple: replace
longing with being, and become what you love.



Virgo
(Aug. 23-Sept. 22)



According
to my calculations, you’ll encounter more hair-raising adventures, close
scrapes and deliciously tight spots in the next few weeks than will any two
other signs, all in the course of your day-to-day routine. They should design
a videogame about you. Of course, only other Virgos would be able to beat it,
and what Virgo has time to play Xbox? Still, try to remember that you’re
at your best when you’re playing your life, not stressing about
it. Treat it like a videogame, with each obstacle simply the challenge of the
next level, and you’ll not only get more done than you would if you were
exasperated and struggling, you’ll have way more fun, too.



Libra
(Sept. 23-Oct. 22)



Too often,
we look outside ourselves for what we feel is lacking in our lives. Sometimes,
that works. Most of the time, our quests just screw us up. This week, don’t
bother hunting what you think you’re missing. It’s not out there,
and you could end up squandering huge amounts of energy and resources searching
for it. Don’t bother asking anyone else where to find it, either. They’ll
just be clueless, annoyed and helpless, because they won’t know this one
fact: You are already what you seek, even if you haven’t realized
it yet.



Scorpio
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)



Arctic terrain
is complicated to navigate; snow is treacherous, and obscures landmarks. Since
your inner world is buried under massive drifts, you need strategies to get
around and avoid getting stuck. Constantly digging yourself out will exhaust
you unduly, and numb you with emotional frostbite. One way to keep from sinking
into the powdery depths: lighten your load. Near-frozen travelers need their
equipment to survive; the unjustifiably heavy emotions weighing you down are
more easily shed. Explorers also tie themselves together to avoid losing one
another in the glaring white. There’s at least a friend or three who’ll
temporarily tether themselves to you. Take them up on the offer, so you can
cross that tundra together, not alone.



Sagittarius
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)



Feast or
famine, the cycle dictates. Sometimes things are as uncomplicated, predictable,
exuberant and bountiful as a parentally supervised Easter egg hunt. Other times,
you’re stuck wandering a vast expanse of featureless desert, hunting an
elusive oasis, blistered by the sun. There’s no simple way to avert this
pattern of alternating extremes. However, I can share one tip that will help
you stay on the fortunate side longer. You know how grateful, relieved and ecstatic
you are when you find one of those infrequent watering holes during the arid-wasteland
half of the cycle? The more you can evince that appreciative bliss for every
cheap chocolate egg you discover on the bountiful side, the longer you’ll
be blessed enough to stay there.



Capricorn
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)



Most people
have them, but Capricorns are especially prone to what I call soulmate dreams,
in which you experience ecstatic union with another being, who’s often
not even the gender you’re usually attracted to–occasionally not even
human (a tree, river, mountain)! Naturally, these dreams aren’t predictive.
If such exist, don’t expect to necessarily view your actual soulmate during
your oneiric journeys. They’re not prophecy, they’re practice. This
week, manifest as often as possible the kind of enlightened and all-encompassing
love you feel in those dreams, please. The fallout will be richer and better
than you ever imagined.


This Week’s Horoscope

Written by None - Do not Delete on . Posted in Posts.



Let the
past be your force field. Much of psychotherapy is based on the premise that
many of your problems and unhealthy mental patterns stem from traumatic or painful
experiences in your youth. That may be true, but I’d argue that the inverse
is also valid: If negative incidents from your childhood can hurt or hinder
you now, your warmest memories have the power to heal and empower you. Dredge
your past for those glowing gems of well-being and joy, and use them to shield
you from the depressing moments that threaten to drag you down now. I contend
that two minutes of innocent youthful bliss can translate to at least two weeks
of adult contentment, if properly wielded. Prove me right.



Pisces
(Feb. 19-March 20)



Love is
real. It may last only five minutes, or five months or 50 years. But just because
it changes or vanishes doesn’t mean it wasn’t real while it was there.
A half-century romance is actually just a vast collection of five-minute love
affairs between the same people, strung closely together. Regard all your loves,
past, present and future, as what they are: beautiful moments. They’re
not illusions just because they’re not a lifetime-long. I’m reminding
you because the world is conspiring to make you forget this week: All the love
you’ve had, have and will have is real–it’s just not forever.



Aries
(March 21-April 19)



It’s
frustrating to keep making the same mistakes. It might feel like you’re
not making progress, but you are. Slowly but surely, you’re evolving through
cycles of ever-increasing wisdom. How can you tell? You know less than you ever
did. That is: the more you know, the more you realize you don’t know. But
don’t be depressed by the depth and breadth of your ignorance (which we
all share). It’s a wise captain who perceives the vastness of the sea she
has left to explore–and only that captain can have the courage and vision
to roam as far as you will.



Taurus
(April 20-May 20)



Nagging
works on me, every once in a while, if what I’m being goaded to do is what
I really want to do anyway. I’m a bigtime procrastinator, especially when
the project I’m neglecting is as ambitious, time-consuming and just plain
hard as the one I’m working on these days. So I encourage my friends to
gently remind me, often, that it’s what I really want to do, underneath
all my resistance to it. Since you’re as reluctant to try to realize some
of your deepest desires as I am, I suggest you do the same. You need help to
push through your own resistance or laziness. This week, remind yourself, and
be reminded, as often and in as many ways as possible, about what you really
ought to be doing. Then do it.



Gemini
(May 21-June 20)



Usually,
Geminis are notorious forward-thinkers. But every so often you’re seized
by powerful fits of reminiscence that infiltrate the present and make you do
weird stuff. Remembering one glorious summer might prompt you to blast the heat
and have a bathing suit party in the dead of winter. Fondly recalling the days
when you believed in Santa gets you stuck in a chimney trying to recreate the
magic for kids you know. These aren’t necessarily bad things, but because
your reconstructed moments will never live up to the originals, I suggest you
not spend too much time on them. When nostalgia knocks this week, answer the
door, but don’t invite it in for tea.



Cancer
(June 21-July 22)



Revamping
mental systems that don’t work well makes sense to you. If one attempt
failed, why not try it again a different way? However, the next two weeks ideally
lend themselves to a different kind of improvement. Instead of revising your
past disappointments, the universe would rather you revisit your past successes.
You’re used to hitting on a technique that works reasonably well and sticking
with that. This week, consider tampering with success. Your potential to improve
upon earlier accomplishments is virtually unlimited. Why settle for "okay"
results when you could have fantastic ones?



Leo (July
23-Aug. 22)



The telephone,
in its first incarnation, was so inefficient users had to yell into their transmitters,
and strain to hear the tinny reproduction of the other person hollering on her
end of the line. This probably sounds familiar. You’ve been working way
too hard just to maintain some kind of connection or communication. But this
week history will repeat itself, revisiting the chapter where they figured out
a way to amplify the signal so people could hear each other at normal speaking
volume. So quit trying so hard, because pretty soon you won’t have to–what
you need to hear will come in loud and clear, and what you need to say will
be understood almost without saying it.



Virgo
(Aug. 23-Sept. 22)



Helping
people is what you do. You can’t help but help. It’s a compulsion.
For example, most of the Virgos I know (and one in particular) are quick to
give me the lowdown on their horoscope each week–how accurate it is, or
how dead wrong. I value the feedback (however unsolicited), although I contend
it’s impossible for something as general as this to be accurate for everyone
all the time. The best I can hope for is to try to get it right for most people
most of the time. You’re in a much better position, luckily: your kind
of help, when you’re really on top of your game, like this week, means
no one falls through the cracks.



Libra
(Sept. 23-Oct. 22)



Permeable
armor is what you need. Your problem? When you’ve dropped all your defenses,
you’re moodier than a moon-ruled Cancer during menopause. Your natural
inclination is to react to whatever and whoever is around you (and usually to
fill whatever void you perceive). Thus your constantly changing outer circumstances
become your constantly changing inner ones. Obviously, just blocking everything
out completely isn’t the answer, either. The trick is letting the right
stuff through, and keeping the rest where it belongs–sort of the way silk
long underwear can wick away moisture while simultaneously helping to keep you
warm. This week, tinker with your emotional defenses until they can, say, block
bullets while letting sunshine through.



Scorpio
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)



Make a habit
of breaking your habits. The less you do things by rote, the better off you
are. Scorpios all too easily get trapped in repetitive cycles that they can’t
always see are caused by their own recurring actions. And as you well know,
your tribe doesn’t react too well to feeling trapped–you tend to lash
out and sting whoever’s within reach (often yourself). Don’t be kneejerk
about anything this week (or preferably, ever again). I know it’s lamely
easy to suggest being present, compared with the challenge of always actually
being present. But since your happiness rests on reacting freshly to each moment
as if it were completely new, please try. I promise I’ll try, too.



Sagittarius
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)



Money fucks
shit up. It infects relationships with poisonous impulses. People start resenting
others for having too much. Best friends angrily dissolve relationships over
unpaid debts. Money-related insecurities abound, among rich as well as poor
folk. Luckily, your life is less complicated than Joe Millionaire. It’s
easy enough to take the money out of the equation. That’s right, for the
next week or two, ground your relationships like errant teenagers: cut off their
allowances. Chances are, they won’t die, even if they were sucking on that
green teat. They’ll just thrive in a new, healthier way.



Capricorn
(Dec.22-Jan. 19)



The Magician
archetype, in the Tarot, is adept at manipulating the concrete world. In order
to manifest his desired reality, he uses any tool at his disposal, without attaching
judgment or morality to those tools. Capricorns are usually adept Magicians,
able to wield power to equip themselves with money and sweet situations. That’s
why I’m surprised that you’ve shied away from using some of the tools
and options available, in order to achieve your goals. This isn’t one of
those "Do the ends justify the means?" situations. These means don’t
require justification, only humility. Swallow your pride, Cap–if it will
get you what you want.



Caeriel@yahoo.com


This Week’s Horoscope

Written by None - Do not Delete on . Posted in Posts.


Capricorn
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)



The swampland
only seems to go on forever. You’ve been plodding miserably through hip-deep
bog for weeks now, with a two-ton safe strapped to your back and a person under
each arm, and actually making respectable progress despite these considerable
impediments. But this week, you’re Popeye out of spinach. That prodigious
strength may drain unexpectedly from your limbs, leaving you, your valuables
and your buddies in the lurch–except for the beautiful and fortuitous fact
that you’re likely to find firm, dry land again, right around the same
time. So don’t freak about the sudden diminution of your might. It just
means you can put your burdens down, stop slogging and start sprinting.



Aquarius
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)



You’re
an indoor cat faced with an open window. You’ve been shitting in a tiny
box for years, and now the vast unknown calls; the tantalizing expanses of your
neighbor’s gardens beckon. It might be scary, and, realistically, dangerous–there
are cars and angry green-thumbed hose-wielders out there–but don’t
hide under the bed. Leap. Enough with your slightly cloistered existence and
cheap catnip toys. Get out there and poop in some real dirt, chase some real
birds and get it on with that very real, very sexy pussy across the street.



Pisces
(Feb. 19-March 20)



Procrastination
has its rewards. Washing a whole stack of dirty dishes gives you more of a sense
of accomplishment than rinsing just one or two–especially since the added
work of ridding them of crusted, caked leftover food makes it harder. Likewise,
it’s more satisfying to sweep up a huge pile of crud and pet hair than
the paltry wisps you’d get if you did it daily. However, don’t take
this pattern to unhealthy extremes, where your dust bunnies develop sentience
and rebel, and your filthy plates cultivate a mutant strain of bubonic plague.
A number of neglected duties teeter on the verge of tumbling over this precipice
of angst. Take care of them.



Aries
(March 21-April 19)



Shit happens.
You know this, but this week who or what it happens to may make it seem more
important or devastating than usual. For instance, scratching the paint on a
brand-new Jaguar is more horrible than scuffing an ancient Rabbit. I’m
here to remind you that these are arbitrary distinctions. Yes, it sucks, but
since there’s nothing you can do about it, why make it worse by working
yourself up into a fearsome state of agitation? These are little things in the
grand scheme. Chill. Pretend your sports car is a beater, take a deep breath
and relax.



Taurus
(April 20-May 20)



You’re
fondue. It was all the rage a couple decades ago, just like you’re all
the rage now. Everyone wants to dip into you, get your flavor all over everything.
That sounds kinkier than it is, unfortunately. But your participation and opinion
are more in demand than ever, so be careful how thinly you spread yourself.
Too many hands in the fondue pot is just gross. Don’t let things get that
nasty. Pick and choose who you invite to chow on your deliciousness. Remember,
hot and sticky and melting all over is sexy; scraping the bottom of the pot
with a crust of bread just ain’t.



Gemini
(May 21-June 20)



My signature
has, over time, degenerated into an indecipherable squiggle at best only loosely
related to my actual name. Although your handwriting is probably more consistent
than mine (though not necessarily any prettier), there are other things (like
relationships) you’ve let deteriorate until they’re unrecognizable–so
different from what they started out as that an uninformed observer would never
believe you if you told him. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing–my
illegible scrawl is still valid–but you might want to make sure they still
work for you in their transmogrified forms. If not, I’m sure you could
reverse some of the damage, with a little practice, or simply leave them behind.



Cancer
(June 21-July 22)



You’re
a migratory bird gone wrong, this week. You rejected your instinctive urge to
fly south for the winter, because you’d happened upon a seemingly inexhaustible
treasure trove of fattening and delicious seeds. You decided to brave the cold
to stay near your avian cornucopia. Now you’re regretting that decision.
Don’t. Maybe it wasn’t the best choice. But you made it, and it’s
simply too cold and late to make the journey to your usual winter home. Instead
of suffering undue chagrin, make the best of things. It’s not all bad–quite
a lot of it is good, in fact. Focus on that. The other good stuff will fly back
your way soon enough.



Leo (July
23-Aug. 22)



Reverse
engineering–dismantling a completed product so you can see how it works,
and replicate it–is the key this week, although I’m referring to spiritual
technology, not, say, a DVD player. Let me explain. You’re doing great
in the school of personal evolution, but you’re failing one subject (we
both know which). I’d hate for you to stay back a grade just to get this
secondary subject up to par, when you’re doing so well in all other areas.
But I’d rather you didn’t proceed further without this particular
soul-skill as part of your repertoire. Luckily, you know what it looks like
to possess this proficiency along with the arsenal of talents you already have.
Start from there, the finished product, and work your way backwards, until you’ve
figured out exactly what you’re missing, and how to replace it.



Virgo
(Aug. 23-Sept. 22)



You might
as well eat chocolate cake for breakfast. It’s another one of those weeks
in which, to paraphrase Robert Burns, "the best laid schemes o’ mice
an men going oft agley." So why bother clinging too strongly to them? Go
with what feels good for once, since doing what you "should" will
most likely not only go wrong, but cause you aggravation, as well. By next week
you’ll be able to return to manifesting your most noble intentions and
well-reasoned plots, but for now, help yourself to a hefty slice of triple-fudge
and a mound of whipped cream and call it a hearty first meal of the day.



Libra
(Sept. 23-Oct. 22)



Once a year
in January, back when I lived in San Francisco, my friends and I would spend
a whole day collecting discarded Christmas trees, tying them to the roofs of
our cars or stacking them in our pickup trucks. That night, we’d have a
huge, crackly bonfire on the beach, and party into the wee hours. It was always
fun and wild and magical, as if all the complex Xmas memories those trees were
witness to curled into the air and our lungs on fragrant smoke. This week, take
inspiration from that image, as you salvage other people’s discarded dreams
and transform them into powerful and amazing moments of your own.



Scorpio
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)



The craze
among my high school friends was to experiment and discover how simply we could
live. We tried going without shampoo, underwear, refined sugar, leather clothing,
tv and dairy products, among others. Some of those things eventually got reincorporated
into our lives, and some we found we could live quite happily (often more happily)
without. Try it. There are a handful of things you suspect you’d be healthier,
better off or more whole without. Take a break from them. If you find they’re
indispensable, you can always add them back into your life, with renewed appreciation
for them. And if it turns out they were shackles holding you back–well,
ridding yourself of them is its own reward.



Sagittarius
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)



History
repeats itself. But each rotation around the cosmic wheel is changed by expanding
and escalating technology. On a different plane, personal history also repeats
itself. This history may be less immediately or obviously affected by things
like the Internet or smallpox vaccines (although naturally these are important
influences as well) than by advances in spiritual technology–in other words,
shifts in perspective and attitude. As you review familiar landscapes and themes
this week, don’t duplicate past chapters. Even though the present may seem
eerily similar to what’s happened before, your reactions don’t have
to be. Change them, and things will almost certainly work out better than last
time.


This Week’s Horoscope

Written by None - Do not Delete on . Posted in Posts.


Capricorn
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)



When Capt.
Robert Jenkins exhibited his ear (severed eight years earlier in a skirmish
with the Spanish coast guard, who believed him guilty of smuggling) in the British
House of Commons, it so inflamed public opinion that the Prime Minister was
reluctantly forced to declare war in 1739 (now known as the War of Jenkins’
Ear). He may have been trying to incense people to correct an ongoing wrong,
or he could have simply wanted them to exact belated vengeance on his behalf.
Before you use a personal matter to manipulate people, consider: Are your motivations
pure? Don’t wave that shriveled bit of ear around unless you’re prepared
for the consequences. Remember, the fewer wars you start, the cleaner your karma.



Aquarius
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)



You’re
a divine conduit for inspired cosmic force. Once it enters you, however, it’s
like a raging torrent hitting a colander: it splits into innumerable smaller
trickles. All that energy fractures into myriad foci, instead of just a couple
massive, exciting projects. Thus progress on most of your goals is excruciatingly
slow. This week, put most of your life on the back burner, temporarily. It’s
time to get a little serious and take on the challenges that will really exercise
your potential. Block up all those tiny drains on your brilliance and attention,
leaving only the most important two (or at most, three).



Pisces
(Feb. 19-March 20)



Water every
seed you plant; throw a little warmth and sunlight its way. I’m referring
to your relationships. Your ability to perceive potential is usually an asset,
but not now. Your great strength–intuition–becomes a great weakness
when you use it to self-sabotage. Don’t get a glimpse of scarily exciting
latent possibilities and declare: "I’m not ready for what I think
this might be." Fuck that. If it’s here now, go with it, ready or
not. It may be your last chance for ages; that particular patch of ground won’t
be fertile again for a long time, and the big "What if?" that’ll
haunt you if you don’t explore it will last much longer still.



Aries
(March 21-April 19)



So many
of the things you enjoy are like girl-on-girl mudwrestling: illusory, short-term
fun. Those women are there for a quick buck or a cheap thrill. They’re
usually more psyched to shower off and go home–and not with each other.
My point is there’s nothing wrong with a little fun, but so much of your
life is candy, and at this point you’re borderline diabetic. There’s
no need to cut desserts from your menu, but this week, consider adding more
substantial and nutritious "foods" to your daily regime, things that
won’t burn away in a flash but might actually sustain you for a long, long
time.



Taurus
(April 20-May 20)



Getting
what you want right now is about as easy as training a cat–in other words,
almost impossible. Cats aren’t inherently eager to please you, like dogs.
They’re most interested in pleasing themselves, like some of the people
you’re forced to deal with. You’ve tried reason, positive reinforcement,
gentle nagging, passionate entreaties and a multitude of other strategies. It’s
down to two last options: either you simply make it harder or more unpleasant
for them to not do what you want than to do it; or you give up completely, and
let it go.



Gemini
(May 21-June 20)



Pluralism,
the idea that there are numerous other worlds harboring intelligent life, was
taboo in the 17th century, when the powerful Catholic Church was desperate to
believe that Earth was the center of the universe and God’s creation. One
pluralist, Bernard de Fontanelle, however, delighted in the unpopular concept:
"When the heavens were a little blue arch, stuck with stars, I thought
the universe was too strait and close. I was almost stifled for want of air.
But now it is enlarged in height and breadth… I begin to breathe with more
freedom, and think the universe to be incomparably more magnificent than it
was before." You should identify. Despite external pressure to the contrary,
your universe just got a lot bigger and more fascinating. Breathe easy.



Cancer
(June 21-July 22)



Smell, our
seemingly most primitive sense, is often linked to spiritual or esoteric ideas.
Sainthood and divinity, for instance, have often been associated with pleasant
scents (many saints were purported to exude delightful aromas, like roses or
violets). Beyond mere scent, pheromones seem to have a lot to do with whom we’re
attracted to, trust or simply like or dislike. Skeptics might argue it’s
bullshit for you to heed a gut feeling that’s probably based on some chemical
interaction happening below the level of conscious thought, but I hope you don’t.
It might be bullshit some of the time, but not this week. While you’re
looking for the lessons and experiences you most need, don’t think. Just
follow your nose.



Leo (July
23-Aug. 22)



Pretend
you’ll momentarily be handed the direct cellphone number to a famous celebrity
you admire (or lust after), an influential politician or some human embodiment
of divine inspiration or enlightenment. You’ll have 15 minutes to pick
his or her brain and find out everything you wanted to know about being popular,
sexy, powerful or wise. What will you ask? Plan carefully. You don’t want
to waste precious minutes hemming and hawing, or exchanging gossip and recipes.
Cut right to the real meaty stuff. Once you have your list of questions, answer
them: The universe, for a limited time, is giving you unprecedented insight
regarding the answers to your most pressing concerns. Heed those resolutions.
They’re all exactly right.



Virgo
(Aug. 23-Sept. 22)



Kicking
ass is one solution. You’re certainly capable of whipping some serious
butt to get what you want, right now. It may even seem necessary, and not all
that undeserved. But playing rough is going to burn some bridges, bridges you
probably won’t need–but you never know. I don’t intend to stop
you if you still want to open a can of whup-ass, but if you wait about half
a week, you might be able to get the same results with nothing more violent
than a lashing from your silver tongue. You decide which will be more effective,
and fun.



Libra
(Sept. 23-Oct. 22)



When your
goose starts laying golden eggs, it changes everything. Before, you’d think
of it as a source of the occasional breakfast omelet, and, eventually, a delicious
holiday dinner. But afterward, you’re suddenly aware of just how special
and precious it is, and start treating it differently (providing it with special
nesting material and organic feed). That attitude shift is acceptable regarding
a goose, but if you change the way you treat a person based on what they give
you, you’ll seem like a big ol’ ho. Your best bet: Treat everyone
as if they might someday be laying golden eggs in your honor. Then if they ever
do, you’ll be all set.



Scorpio
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)



Scorpios
dangerously confuse nostalgia and regret. The former is fondly imagining your
mom’s teenage years, when she used to iron her hair flat and go make out
in the back of her boyfriend’s dad’s wood-paneled station wagon. The
latter is obsessively reliving, mentally, a past decision you wish you could
change. Unfortunately, too many Scorps get trapped in a sadistic cycle, where
each bemoaned choice begets more bad choices, because you’re paying more
attention to your past than your present, until years later, you finally notice
you’ve wasted your life. Quit it! Shake it off. Pay attention to what (and
who) is happening now. Stop beating yourself up for an ancient mistake, so you
can keep from making more errors to regret later.



Sagittarius
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)



Sitting
pretty on your throne of blessings and abundance, you might not feel inclined
to take risks. Why bother? You’re all set, and you’ve traditionally
ascribed to the philosophy of not fixing what ain’t broken. But please
consider: is it really better to take chances when you’re down and out,
and each failure will really hurt? Sure, no one will blame you for just relaxing
and enjoying what you have. But I wouldn’t recommend waiting to play roulette
until you really need to win at it. Imperil your comfort zone, while you have
one, so you won’t have to take risks when every fall will kill.



This Week’s Horoscope

Written by None - Do not Delete on . Posted in Posts.



Hindus,
like the ancient Greeks and Egyptians, among others, revere a vast pantheon
of gods and goddesses, instead of relying on just one god to satisfy all their
religious needs. I’d like you to apply that strategy to your love life.
Instead of holding out for The One, some magical person who can fulfill every
part of you, invent the possibility that different people are more suited to
provide for your various desires. Instead of requiring that one person become
your everything, modify that strategy. Let one person become most things, and
allow a host of others to fill in the gaps.



Aquarius
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)



Wish fulfillment
is one of your fortes–when it comes to your own. You’ve been manifesting
your dreams expertly for ages–and astutely flying under the radar while
doing it, obviating jealousy. It’s not that you’re especially selfish,
just self-absorbed (which isn’t necessarily a bad thing: if more people
took the time to understand themselves and clearly articulate their dreams,
more of them would be living those dreams). However, don’t miss making
a deposit in the Good Karma Bank when you get a chance to help someone else
realize an ambition this week. One hint: the less beneficial fallout you stand
to receive, the more good karma you get (in other words, buying your roommate
a flat-screen tv doesn’t count).



Pisces
(Feb. 19-March 20)



Don’t
misinterpret an inconsistent, staticky connection as lack of interest or appreciation.
You’re basically a radio station broadcasting an especially eclectic selection
from Antarctica. You might feel tempted to play the same standard pop fare as
everyone else, just to get instant popularity, but don’t. Attracting listeners
may be challenging, but once you do, they’ll be way more steadfast than
those Top 40 clones. There are plenty of people who can tell you’re playing
music they want to hear; it just takes a while to get locked onto your signal.
Don’t change up your high-quality programming yet. Just turn up your transmitters
and wait.



Aries
(March 21-April 19)



You may
have survived grueling family gatherings and/or similar ordeals last week through
the stealthy use of a hip flask full of whiskey, or some other artificial aid.
Though that lesser evil helped prevent the arguably greater evil of drama or
stress, self-medicating with alcohol or whatever other cheap-ass solution you
chose isn’t good for the long-term. Don’t start your new year with
reliance on props, cheat-sheets or external advantages. You have the resources
to resolve these situations on your own. Relying too heavily on outside sources
of "strength" will just make you soft and weak. This year, resolve
to stretch and fortify your emotional resilience by doing the stressful family
gathering sober, instead of, say, making yourself ultimately more fragile (while
pickling your liver).



Taurus
(April 20-May 20)



You easily
resolve conflicts of interest between head and loins, unlike those squirrelly
Geminis or those oversexed Scorpios. You rarely deviate from your prearranged
priority status dictating whether brain or crotch gets to call the shots, but
I urge you to this week, since your best courses of action will lie opposite
your standard procedures. If you’re used to putting rational thought ahead
of your lustiest urges, let libido reign supreme for once. Or if you habitually
let your seven-year itch govern, allow your most compelling mental arguments
to actually convince you otherwise.



Gemini
(May 21-June 20)



Slow, steady
and certain are your mantric keywords right now. It’s probably aggravating
that your planetary ruler is the speediest and least linear of the lot, Mercury.
He zips forward at breakneck velocities, then reverses course, seemingly randomly,
for indefinite periods of time, all the while wreaking havoc with your (and,
let’s face it, everybody’s) intentions and emotions. (It could be
worse, though: you could be a Cancer, subject to that most fickle and changeable
of heavenly bodies, the moon.) Luckily, you’re no mindless automaton, driven
by inhuman astrological forces. Although you’re not immune to Mercury’s
occasionally manic influences, you can resist them. Exercise your free will,
remember those keywords and you may just avoid being awarded the title of This
Month’s Superflake.



Cancer
(June 21-July 22)



Raw pink
wounds oozing pus and blood aren’t sexy at all, but once they’ve healed,
you’ll happily brandish the physical scars of things you survived as proof
of your ruggedness and durability. Hot. But for some reason you hide your emotional
scars, as if you’re ashamed of them. Don’t be; you couldn’t have
prevented them any more easily than the flesh-and-blood wounds you’ve endured.
Besides, lacking scars would be proof that you’re only half-living–something
way more embarrassing than having been hurt in the past. With the new moon in
Capricorn this week, it’s an ideal time to realize that your emotional
scars can be just as sexy and compelling as your physical ones; it’s all
about how you wear them.



Leo (July
23-Aug. 22)



Leos are
deservedly famous for their loyalty, and that’s most obvious when your
astrological ruler, the sun, is in that persistent and solid sign, Capricorn.
Your devotion isn’t easily shaken; you’re willing to weather a lot
for those you love. This isn’t blind praise, though; I mention it because
it actually falls into that double-edged category Greatest Strength/Greatest
Weakness. As you’ve experienced, sadly, your fealty can backfire miserably.
This week, aspire to be as generous with your love as usual, but before you
are, make sure the recipients: a) really want it and b) deserve it.



Virgo
(Aug. 23-Sept. 22)



Even your
intuition is fallible, albeit rarely. Since you temper your gut instincts with
pragmatism and cool thought, trusting them is usually a safe bet. If a Virgo
friend told me she’d experienced love at first sight, I would normally
urge her to run with that–she wouldn’t casually come to that conclusion
(unlike some Aries, who fall in love three times a day)–but not this week,
or the next two weeks. With your ruling planet, Mercury, zooming backwards in
Capricorn, you might be prone to profound hunches that feel solid but are actually
wrong. Don’t rule them out; but postpone acting conclusively until the
end of the month, when you’ll really know for sure, either way.



Libra
(Sept. 23-Oct. 22)



In the early
part of the 19th century, new machines threatened to put many skilled textile
laborers out of work. The Luddites were a secretive group of those workers who
attacked mills and smashed the machines, risking serious punishments (that often
included hanging) if they were caught, in order to keep their jobs. You might
be tempted to try something similar–destroy, utterly, the perceived threat
to an inner domain you considered sacrosanct. However, learn from the Luddites.
They couldn’t halt progress, only slow it down. Don’t stand in the
path of the inevitable. You can’t dam that river. Either forge across it
now, while you still can, or better yet–ride it.



Scorpio
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)



People make
light of Scorpios, brusquely dismissing you as being unduly obsessed with sex
and death. I recognize this apparent fascination as your challenging spiritual
exploration of everything that’s most real about human existence. Accompanying
that soul-spelunking is a profound craving for sanctuary, for a feeling of safety
Scorpios rarely get to enjoy. The reason? Every time you find some haven, you
take that opportunity to venture deeper into the darkest and most dangerous
parts of your psyche. I don’t mean to discourage you in your important
philosophical adventuring, but even you need a break once in a while. This week,
seek out the safety you crave, but don’t use it as an opportunity to heighten
your challenge. Just relax and enjoy it for once, instead.



Sagittarius
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)



You would
think, because I wear it every day, that I’d take the time to fix my winter
coat, which got ripped early in the season. But for some reason, I never think
about it except when I’m wearing it outside or deeply involved in something
else. Sound familiar? I’m hereby resolving to go sew up the tiny tear as
soon as I’m finished with this, in hopes that you’ll do the same.
That ostensibly insignificant thing that’s been nagging you, daily, is
actually more important than it seems, and needs to be taken care of–the
sooner, the better. Don’t put it off. Just do it, now.



Caeriel@yahoo.com


This Week’s Horoscope

Written by None - Do not Delete on . Posted in Posts.



Wendell
and Cass are gay penguins who live at the New York Aquarium. Homosexual matings
were once considered uncommon (but have now been observed in most wild animal
species), so these two got a lot of attention about eight years ago, when they
first got together. Now, they’re more notable for having, say, an exceptionally
neat nest, than for both being male. I mention it because this week you’ll
notice that something you once considered strange has become accepted and familiar.
Don’t freak out about your heretofore-overlooked shift of consciousness.
It’s part of your natural mental evolution. When you encounter a bizarre-now-familiar
element of your life, just say, "Oh, another gay penguin," shrug,
and move on.



Aquarius
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)



Let the
future be a complete surprise. This may seem like obvious advice, until you
consider your incredible foresight, and how much you’ve come to rely on
and trust it. Your ability to accurately forecast future events and probabilities
has made you overconfident, and you consequently sacrifice being really present
at times. Shake off the conviction that you know how events will play out. Things
could really go either way. Unless you want to live in chagrined hindsight all
week, forego trying to look ahead, and just pay attention to what’s happening
now.



Pisces
(Feb. 19-March 20)



Eudaimonia,
in Aristotelian philosophy, is described as a state of happiness derived from
a life of activity governed by reason. Let’s face it; you’re not the
most logic-driven person. You’re not even a Vulcan-identified Trekkie.
But try to (temporarily) replace the emotion-guided rudder that’s steering
your ship with one powered by rational intelligence. Cool thought will serve
you better for the foreseeable future than even your renowned intuition ever
could. It may be difficult to make the switch, but for a week it won’t
kill you to be guided by this rule: whenever they conflict, brain trumps gut.



Aries
(March 21-April 19)



Mail-order
brides do not make good gifts. You know that now. I hope you’ve also learned
to not shove any of your other quick-fix solutions onto anyone else, even if
you’re still willing to occasionally attempt them for your own problems.
Since virtually none of the quandaries you’re doomed to encounter this
week can be solved with a one-step resolution, don’t waste your time trying–you’ll
invariably complicate and intensify the situations that way. Forget shortcuts.
Instead, consider the very real probability that these destinations can only
be approached by the scenic route, and go that way.



Taurus
(April 20-May 20)



The bucket
of water completely dissolved the old witch like brown sugar, just as you’d
been told. What you weren’t informed of, before you doused Her Wickedness
with ice-cold water, is that you’d be asked to take over her job. Ooops.
You thought you were in charge of vanquishing, not replacing. There’s not
much you can do about that now. Still, I can’t help thinking that things
worked out for the best. Prove me right: You got rid of some form of incarnated
evil in your life and were granted their role as your "reward." Don’t
just tackle the job; do it better, with no more than half as much iniquity,
since you can.



Gemini
(May 21-June 20)



Treasured
vinyl records will warp when left in direct sunlight too long, but your roommate
didn’t think of that, did she? Still, as valuable, emotionally and financially,
as that mint-condition White Album was, in the grand scheme of things it’s
virtually meaningless. Don’t overreact to shit like that this week, however
tempting it may be. The more you dwell on petty non-issues as if they were important,
the more tempted the universe will be to deliver something big that really matters,
just to get your perspective straight. Yep; this week the cosmos is that aggravated
mom who yells at her crying children: "Shut up, or I’ll really give
you something to cry about!"



Cancer
(June 21-July 22)



Tethered
at either end by major holidays (whether or not you personally celebrate them),
this week is astrological no-man’s land. Imagine being led, blindfolded,
onto a random amusement park ride by someone you only half-trust. One thing’s
for certain: Whether it’s a massive rollercoaster, ready to whip you unpredictably
in any direction, an exhaustingly tedious Ferris wheel ride, or the gruesome
intensity of being pinned to a wall by centrifugal force while the floor drops
out, you’re stuck on it for the duration. My advice: Remember that some
people take rides just like these for fun. Since no one’s going to stop
the ride halfway through so you can get off, smile and make the best of it.



Leo (July
23-Aug. 22)



Lloyd’s
of London will insure virtually anything, perhaps even something as hard to
define as self-confidence. That’s fortunate, since you’re screwed
without yours. You’re riding high on the sunshine-y power of your healthy
ego in full-force, but if you let that brilliance falter, you could end up spiraling
into a damaging pattern of diminishing returns that could leave you depressed
all winter. So equip yourself with a parachute. Lloyd’s, at least, will
make you filthy rich, should your confidence fail. But even if you can’t
afford the exorbitant premiums they’d surely charge you, there are other
ways to underwrite your poise, so you end up with a win-win situation either
way. The irony–the better your safety net, the less likely you’ll
need it.



Virgo
(Aug. 23-Sept. 22)



What are
some of the lessons you’ve learned? Gold lamé looks better on drag
queens, being the M.C. isn’t as much fun as it looks, and having your reputation
precede you everywhere is actually exhausting, thanks to the heightened expectations
that go along with. Personally, I’m excited that you tried on such a radically
different pair of shoes and walked way more than a mile in them. You’ll
survive the emotional blisters and callouses that resulted, and this week you’ll
return to your familiar version of reality proficient in at least one new skill
you never thought you’d have.



Libra
(Sept. 23-Oct. 22)



Pomp and
circumstance have their places, but leave them there, among the graduation ceremonies
and British courtrooms. There’s no need to whip out formal robes or powdered
wigs just yet. Just keep it real. When it comes to the deep, soul-to-soul shit,
you can’t hide behind "rules of order." You’ve repeatedly
chosen to enter the lawless world of love and lust. Don’t fool yourself
into thinking you can impose order on that chaos. Little from the outside world
intrudes on the reality you create and share with someone else. Since most of
this week’s important events and interactions will take place in that little
world, just live there–as fully as you can. The more wholly you can occupy
that space, the more you’ll be able to extract for use in the "real
world" outside.



Scorpio
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)



If DNA evidence
were brought to bear in processing most of the emotional crimes you’re
accused of, you’d be convicted every time. Fortunately, you can’t
easily be sued for breaking hearts or making people mad with lust. But the karmic
statute of limitations is a bit longer than the legal one, and you might encounter
some repercussions from some mental misdemeanors you committed way back when
(innocently enough; in your defense, it seemed like everyone was having fun
at the time). Don’t resist the cosmic subpoena; some part of your soul
craves an accounting, and the punishments you’ll be sentenced with won’t
be as gruesome or insufferable as you think, and will be drastically outweighed
by the lingering guilt you’ll subsequently be able to shed.



Sagittarius
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)



Dairy industry
hardliners have a solution for those people who "claim" to be lactose-intolerant:
drink more milk. Since you’ll be deluged with advice like that this week,
learn to see through the motivations behind it, which have more to do with sinister
ulterior motives than your own best interests. Your emotional allergies can’t
be resolved by overloading them any more than a body can be taught how to break
down milk sugars. Instead, find saner solutions that won’t have you cramped
and shitting for hours. For instance, many people who can’t digest cow-milk
based products can happily assimilate stuff crafted from goat’s milk (which
is lower in lactose). Find your own enjoyable alternative.




Caeriel@yahoo.com


This Week’s Horoscope

Written by None - Do not Delete on . Posted in Posts.



Being buried
alive was a popular (and occasionally justified) public paranoia during the
18th and 19th centuries. Some people considered the possibility so likely that
they equipped their graves with bells they could ring from inside their coffins,
to signal for rescue. While you won’t have to literally claw your way out
of a casket this week, you may have to metaphorically, unless you take proper
prophylactic steps. Your craving for freedom occasionally compels you to risk
valuable pieces of your life, like treasured relationships, by disappearing
or playing possum; inciting people to slap on an epitaph and leave you buried
with all their past mistakes. Don’t let yourself be covered over and left
for dead. Get a big, loud bell to ring. If things are alive and kicking, despite
appearances, make sure everyone knows it.



Capricorn
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)



TV lawyers
lead amazing lives. They’re paid to be sexy, compelling and persuasive,
and achieve their agendas with a minimum of paperwork or bureaucracy. Unfortunately,
real life doesn’t usually confine itself to what serves a dramatic narrative.
Actual lawyers spend the bulk of their time filing forms and doing research,
with only the occasional excitement of arguing a case in court. Charm and eloquence
alone won’t cut it this week, if you hope to get what you want. You’re
not auditioning for the role of mover-and-shaker. You’re actually moving
and shaking, and that involves, ironically, sitting down and doing all the nitty-gritty
work. Don’t worry–even though the process may at times be tedious,
the results won’t be.



Aquarius
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)



Time machines
are, according to modern physics at least, impossible. But physics aside, you
might as well have a DeLorean that enables you to revisit past mistakes and
wipe the slate clean. Usually when you’re granted a second chance, it’s
colored by the blunders you made the first time around. This week, however,
you get another opportunity to do things right without being handicapped by
memories of how you did them wrong before. One warning: If you miss this opportunity
to correct old screw-ups, you’re fucked. You don’t get a second chance
at second chances; the universe is kind, but not that kind.



Pisces
(Feb. 19-March 20)



Perfect
your Snow Dance. Your recent emotional scrapes may be minor, but they’ve
left parts of your soul rubbed so raw that they can’t happily bear encounters
with the harsh, gritty edges of unvarnished reality. The best way to give yourself
the psychic space to heal your scuffed spirit so the abrasions go away without
infection is to generate a temporary buffer between you and life’s uglier
faces. A downy blanket of pristine white snowfall would be perfect to obscure
reality’s dirtiest parts, and by the time it all dissolves into disgusting
gray slush, you’ll not only be hale and whole, you’ll have the equivalent
of thigh-high, fur-lined waterproof boots.



Aries
(March 21-April 19)



Rams have
massive, sturdy, curled horns, ideal for knocking heads with predators and competitors.
But that generally non-lethal formidability has led to some reckless behavior
on your part. When you don’t like something, you’re usually quick
to lower your head and shove it off the mountain, without much regard for the
consequences. This week, however, a little more subtlety and foresight is required,
as the universe temporarily straightens those metaphorical weapons, transforming
them from perfect ramming tools to ones more apt to gore and pierce. As you’ll
soon learn, an exponential increase in strength and effectiveness is best met
with restraint and caution, not bloodlust. Embrace the irony, instead of resenting
it: the more power you have, the less you get (or need) to use it.



Taurus
(April 20-May 20)



Bigfoot
is dead. Taurean Ray L. Wallace spent nearly five decades impersonating the
elusive primate, bringing the myth alive. He bemused many a Sasquatch hunter
with tracks he made while wearing enormous carved wooden prostheses on his feet.
Whether or not anything like Bigfoot actually exists, Mr. Wallace engendered
believers all over the world. In many ways, it no longer matters whether Bigfoot
is real–one of its chief proponents became just as legendary and interesting.
All Taureans have this power, to compel and excite with the force of their convictions
or passion. This week, use yours to make the world more magical, not less.



Gemini
(May 21-June 20)



The Full
Moon shines in your sign this week, bringing with it a rare internal unity of
purpose and intention that, if properly harnessed, could resonate for weeks
to come–and result in unprecedented forward motion on one (yes, just one–that’s
sort of the point) of your high-priority goals. Usually you solve the problem
of chronically split motivations with incredible multi-tasking skills–and
everyone is impressed with how you capably manage an inhuman workload while
downloading an ungodly amount of porn. But for the next couple of weeks at least,
you’ll be able to forget 9/10ths of your distractions and just concentrate
on one great thing. Don’t perpetuate your slapdash, semi-crazed inclinations
out of force of habit. You’ve got some serious focus right now; use it.



Cancer
(June 21-July 22)



Emotional
expressions come in many forms, and you have to learn to interpret and accept
them as such. You’re gifted with an eloquence of self-expression to match
your tidal emotions, but most people lack that skill, and are forced to couch
their feelings in actions that require some interpretation, or even deciphering.
That’s where your practically psychic intuition comes in. Use it to take
up the slack that spans the gap between what they want to say and what you want
to hear. Instead of demanding that an expression of love or anger or sadness
comes in a familiar package, accept and understand it in whatever form it’s
delivered, be it dirty joke, burnt breakfast, or expensive present.



Leo (July
23-Aug. 22)



Absence
may make the heart grow fonder, but this week brokered distanced makes it fondest.
Let me explain. Thanks to the constant preoccupation and agitation you’ve
been wearing like accessories lately, your actual presence will mostly work
against you this week. However, avoiding the spotlight doesn’t mean you
need to be forgotten or uninvolved. A sexy letter or dirty voicemail message
will go a long way towards whetting the appetites of those you miss the most.
Then when you finally reemerge from your current busy, distracted state, your
friends will welcome you with enthusiasm, not the annoyance they’d have
suffered if you’d made them endure your ADD.



Virgo
(Aug. 23-Sept. 22)



Unless you
want "I was just trying to help…" to be your mantra this week,
don’t help anybody–at least not until you’re specifically asked.
You’re (in)famous for your altruistic self-initiative, but you’re
more likely to get in someone’s way than actually render aid this week.
Don’t trip the old lady you’re trying to help across the street. Take
a well-deserved break instead. Never fear, you’re still on the route to
sainthood, if not martyrdom. You can go back to your habitual, well-intentioned
assistance next week, when it’s not as likely to backfire and cause more
trouble than it’s worth.



Libra
(Sept. 23-Oct. 22)



As much
as you’d like the inscription to read, "This is for [you], without
whose support and encouragement, I’d never have made it," you can’t
tell someone to write that when you provide them with backing and cheer. Please
do support and encourage your personal heroes, but don’t obligate and compel
them at the same time. Unless it’s explicitly spelled out, favors don’t
come with automatic indebtedness. The stars require me to add the obvious, and
risk your offense and wrath: Don’t just hand over your time and energy
without mentioning the strings. Sever them completely, or keep your "help"
to yourself.



Scorpio
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)



Treat the
whore like a princess, and the princess like a whore. This rule of thumb, creatively
applied (you won’t be encountering many actual imperial heiresses or prostitutes),
could be used to address virtually every circumstance you’re likely to
encounter this week. You’re infamous for your ability to pierce and act
upon what you find in the heart’s hidden places. It takes balls to spit
on royalty or see the veiled beauty in a bag lady. But that’s one thing
every Scorpio (male or female) has got in spades: balls. Use them.




Caeriel@yahoo.com


This Week’s Horoscope

Written by None - Do not Delete on . Posted in Posts.



"Physician,
heal thyself," isn’t exactly a fair concept. For instance, you can
be an accomplished helper of others–thanks to the benefit of perspective–but
miserably inept when it comes to helping yourself. Such is the case this week.
It’s not incompetence, simply the virtual impossibility of seeing things
from an outside perspective. Don’t compound your suffering by dwelling
on your cluelessness. Have the humility to ask someone, anyone, for help. A
baby, sitting in the right place, could point your way out of this mess. One
last note–don’t kick yourself for not seeing the obvious until someone
in diapers pointed it out to you. It wasn’t obvious–and won’t
be–until exactly that moment.



Capricorn
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)



Capricorns
aren’t packrats; you’re stockpilers. You absolutely love being
prepared. If you have a fireplace or wood-burning stove, you’ll gleefully
stack cords and cords of firewood to burn all winter. You also love having money
in the bank, plenty of food in the pantry and freezer, and even a few admirers
tucked away on hold, in case of an emergency. That’s why it’s confusing
that you should choose to suffer instead of dipping into those reserves. Reward
yourself for your diligence and foresight. Use them when you have to, like this
week.



Aquarius
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)



Divine inspiration
is pretty random. You can’t just tell the universe, "Okay, give me
definitive proof that God exists." I tried that, opening mental conduits
to the rushing torrent of information that I imagine the cosmic unconscious
to be. Instead, I was rewarded with precise insight on how to read and understand
baseball statistics. So… I’ll work with that. You do pretty well tuning
out the outside world and generating an impressive oeuvre out of your own inner
workings. But you’d do even better synthesizing that precise control with
the chaos the world throws at you. Open up, Aquarius, and you’ll hit more
homers this season than you ever have before.



Pisces
(Feb. 19-March 20)



Tag-team
wrestling sucks when your partner is already out for the count, while your pair
of opponents are still in tip-top shape and raring to go. Don’t be bitter.
The past couple weeks you were blessed with generous amounts of backup support
and inspiration. This is the universe’s way of making sure you can still
kick ass on your own. Don’t worry; you can–without even resorting
to playing dirty. Your many partnerships have taught you some surprising and
effective moves. Use them, and don’t dwell on your apparent abandonment.
Once both your adversaries are pinned to the mat, your friends will confess
their preparations to jump to your defense, and their pride that you never really
needed them to.



Aries
(March 21-April 19)



Talking
about, unfortunately, often substitutes for actually doing. It’s much easier
to discuss writing a novel, effecting political changes or planting a field
than actually doing it–and the more you talk about it, the more you rob
energy and inertia from trying to get it done. I’m concerned because I’d
rather see you accomplish your admirable goals than continue to blab about them.
You usually ascribe to the philosophy that actions speak louder than words,
which is why it’s surprising to see you babbling so much, instead of getting
things done. In other words: this week, shut up and work.



Taurus
(April 20-May 20)



Tauruses
are the least likely sign to see Jesus in a tortilla, be anally probed by alien
abductors or get splashed by the Loch Ness monster. Still, you might become
more superstitious after this week. When "coincidences" stack so precisely,
you may wonder if there’s more than just random chance at work. No one’s
asking you to become an avid leprechaun hunter or poltergeist investigator.
But once you accept that your fate might be nudged occasionally by forces outside
your awareness or understanding, you’ll be much happier than when you insisted
on pinpointing a rational explanation for everything.



Gemini
(May 21-June 20)



Work it.
Sometimes you have to sell it just a little, and an expert communicator like
you should never settle for a mediocre sales pitch; you’re capable of so
much more. A striptease is more likely to whet your lover’s appetite for
a new flavor you’d like to try than a frank discussion over dinner. My
other tip: Don’t give up after the first try. There’s a difference
between gentle persistence and obnoxiousness, and you’re keen enough to
not cross that line. If this week you don’t succeed, try again next week,
when the full moon in your sign will enhance your charms.



Cancer
(June 21-July 22)



Hermit mode
continues this week. You lapsed into your shell recently, and it might be good
to continue that precedent, so you can be properly recharged for the forced
socialization of the upcoming holiday season. It really is okay to be introverted
and antisocial for a couple weeks at a time, so don’t feel pressured to
be a social butterfly because of some arbitrary rule you’ve set for yourself.
Besides, come next week, when the full moon shines in that most extroverted
of signs, anything people-oriented goes. And I mean anything. You’ll be
so popular you could get famous playing the accordion. Why not try?



Leo (July
23-Aug. 22)



Enjoy your
last full week in an oasis of fortuity. While you and Sagittarius host each
other’s ruling planets, you’ve been blessed with a remarkable and
mutually advantageous natural alliance. If you haven’t taken full advantage
of it yet, you should now, before it’s over. Thanks to all the eminently
lucky Sagittarians in your life, the universe is primed to deliver all those
things that require more than hard work and determination alone. For example,
this week is your best chance to find an all-winter cuddle partner, if you don’t
have one already, or discover your soulmate, in stray-kitten form, primed for
rescuing. In other words, your exceptional good fortune extends beyond a winning
game of craps. Wasting it on something as cheap and unsubtle as a game of chance
would be a shame.



Virgo
(Aug. 23-Sept. 22)



President
Bush is a moron. I wish more people would say so, instead of just thinking it.
I applauded Canadian Prime Minister Chretien for defending his aide when she
let her opinion slip where it could be overheard, and disappointed when the
ridiculous resulting hubbub forced her to resign anyway. If W had to face some
actually vocal opposition leadership in his own government, or more outspoken
critics elsewhere, it wouldn’t be such a big deal. Anyway, I don’t
blame her, but I expect more of you: when your words come back to haunt you
this week, don’t back down. Own them, and stand your ground.



Libra
(Sept. 23-Oct. 22)



An archway’s
most important stone is the keystone, the wedge-shaped piece of rock at its
apex. It’s placed last and locks all the other stones into position, creating
an elegant and stable design, capable of bearing great weight. You’ve been
carefully stacking stones for a new emotional support structure, intended to
provide a better gateway to your lovely inner landscape. So far your construction
has been propped up with the equivalent of wooden scaffolding while you searched
for the perfect piece to hold it all together. Your quest has continued so long
that, unfortunately, you now run the risk of your impatience getting the best
of you. Don’t force the wrong piece into place (not when the right one
is this close!) because it’ll just crack under the pressure, or fall out.
Be patient, please, or your hard work will crumble to rubble.



Scorpio
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)



Astrophysicists
get excited about events that happen over billions of years, because the more
we learn about them, the closer we come to understanding the basic structure
of reality itself. But why should we care about the collision course of two
incredibly colossal black holes an incomprehensibly vast distance away? Unfortunately,
your inner workings, although as arguably important as intergalactic dynamics,
are similarly hard to relate to, for other people. They don’t necessarily
understand what’s going on, or–more importantly–how it affects
them. This week, clue people in, even if it means simplifying things. Don’t
describe the ongoing nuclear fission reaction sustaining our sun and your soul,
just say, "Fire…hot," and leave it at that.



Caeriel@yahoo.com


This Week’s Horoscope

Written by None - Do not Delete on . Posted in Posts.



The travelogue
of your week, converted to road-trip format for easier navigation: The first
five days we swerved around twisting, narrow mountain roads. We were constantly
rewarded with stunning scenic views and the satisfaction of navigating challenging
terrain with ease, but we didn’t get very far, as the crow flies. Just
as we emerged from the foothills at week’s end, the stereo died, somewhat
mysteriously, but we chose not to investigate because we’d just hit the
highway, which was straight and flat and pierced the distant horizon. It was
our chance to really make some headway, so we said screw having a stereo, rolled
down the windows, gunned the engine and sang.



Capricorn
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)



Dislike
can be objective, but more often it stems from something I call The Mirror Effect:
your own worst facets reflected in someone else. It’s painful to be around
someone who constantly reminds you of your shortcomings. Surmounting this kneejerk
reaction requires a conscious act of will, along with a widened margin of self-acceptance.
You have some amazing incentive to overcome your aversion to reflections of
your own worst traits, since those you hate the most can be your best allies
this week–and, depending on how well you transcend your judgment, possibly
for a long time to come.



Aquarius
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)



Some scientists
believe that early man’s partnership with wolves may have given our species
the edge over the brawnier Neanderthals. It certainly makes sense; by all accounts
early homo sapiens were, by far, smaller and frailer, and possibly not
as intelligent in certain ways. Now that your survival is as tenuous as that
of our ancient ancestors, consider duplicating their strategy to deal with your
adversary, who’s bigger, stronger or faster than you: they teamed up with
packs of efficient killers in a mutually beneficial arrangement that has survived
millennia. This week, pick your allies as well as they did, and you’ll
kick ass too.



Pisces
(Feb. 19-March 20)



I don’t
buy the astrological bullshit that arbitrarily assigns an area of the human
body to each sign (Aries gets the forehead, with each consecutive sign getting
the next section down, leaving you guys with those humble, underrated appendages,
the feet). However, I’m willing to go out on a limb with my own radical
conclusion: you can tell how a Pisces treats her heart by how she takes care
of her feet. If they’re callused, does she pumice them and slather them
in lotion to make them soft and resilient again? Does she paint the nails and
show them off, or keep them smothered and hidden at all times? Could you be
kinder to your feet? Yes? I bet you could be kinder to your heart, too.



Aries
(March 21-April 19)



Even new
beginnings are a process. You might have to start over seven times before you
get it right. But that’s okay; you understand that it’s nearly impossible
to get from starting point A to destination D without stopping by B and C along
the way. Wielding that awareness, start making your New Year’s resolutions
this week, while it’s still a month away. You have a chance for some phenomenal–and
spiritually lucrative–changes, come 2003, if you can hit upon the right
combination of new attitudes and ideas. That’s going to entail some experimenting,
trial-and-error, which will require time. Get started now.



Taurus
(April 20-May 20)



According
to the Evangelical Environmental Network, their Lord and Savior is pissed about
pollution. They’re launching a campaign called "What Would Jesus Drive?"
to encourage people to use more environmentally friendly vehicles. Putting aside
the concept of ecological irresponsibility as sin, can you follow their example?
When was the last time you applied what you purport to believe in to your daily
life? Astrological conditions indicate this would be an excellent time to implement
concrete changes that bring your life closer to your own ideological ideal.



Gemini
(May 21-June 20)



People joke
about your split personality, but secretly they’re impressed with your
keen efficiency. Unlike some other duality-embracing signs, your inner diversity
doesn’t slow you down. You’re capable of encompassing contradiction
without getting bogged down grappling with indecision. However, despite your
phenomenal talent for swift and shrewd choices, I’m begging you to slow
down. Impulsively choosing a path would be as bad as overthinking it (another
mistake to avoid). Some of your possible roads lead to unfinished bridges or
thick, impassable barriers. Take a minute or three to really consider which
way is best; despite the delay, it’s bound to be quicker than having to
retrace your steps.



Cancer
(June 21-July 22)



Tradition
sucks. Thanks for being courageous or desperate enough to break free of limiting
ideas about "how things are done." You know better. Last time, you
followed all the rules and the situation still blew up in your face.
You’re justifiably bored with that illusion of predictability. It may be
much scarier being a pioneer into emotional frontier land, but that’s all
that’s left. Now it’s just you and the truth of how it’s been
all along: You can never know what to expect, despite what you’re taught
or told. Don’t be afraid, venturing into that unknowable landscape. Be
thrilled.



Leo (July
23-Aug. 22)



Psychologically,
you’re smack dab in the middle of your two best astrological allies: Aries
may be 70 percent enthusiasm–it’s easy to get him excited about a
project–but only 30 percent follow-through, so you can’t bank on him
sticking with it. It’s much harder to wrangle a commitment from those self-reliant
Sagittarians, but once you do, they can usually be counted on to see it through.
That information could help you choose confederates for your current plots,
but more importantly, it could give you insight into your own psyche: right
now you need more Sagittarian energy in your life–internally and externally.
In other words, be wary of jumping onto a new wagon this week, but if you do,
ride it all the way to the end of the road–and bring some friends.



Virgo
(Aug. 23-Sept. 22)



My Virgo
roommate Amy couldn’t stand the infestation of mice that plagued our house
in Santa Fe–it bothered her so profoundly and persistently that she could
barely sleep at night. But she was also too kindhearted to be effective. She
tried an endless and oft-comical variety of imaginative solutions to rid our
home of the little vermin, including everything from asking them, in her nicest
voice, to go, to humane new-age traps they were much too smart for. Occasionally,
like poor Amy, you’ll be faced with choosing between a beloved idea about
yourself and actually solving a problem. The worst thing you can do is waffle.
Kill the damn rodents, already, or add their names to the lease.



Libra
(Sept. 23-Oct. 22)



Your internal
seesaw is whacked. It may be depressing if you’re one of those Libras with
her scale out of balance, with so much on one side you can barely move, but
consider yourself fortunate. Most of you are in a worse quandary, switching
dramatically from one extreme mode to another, forgetting that any state between
comatose and caffeine-tweaked even exists. Luckily this is an excellent week
to bring your psychic scale to a balanced state that’s actually reasonable.
If your teeter-totter is all play or all toil, it’s easy to fix: get to
work, or take time off. But if it’s overloaded on both sides, it’s
time to ditch some stuff and give yourself some slack. There’s a huge spectrum
between frenetic and unconscious. Occupy some new spaces on it.



Scorpio
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)



Public opinion
regarding your sign is flying so high, it’d be hard to find a jury to convict
you of the crimes your tribemates are traditionally accused of. In the past
year, your astrological brethren have remade the Scorpio image more successfully
than any high-paid p.r. firm ever could. You’ve shaken past impressions
that you’re a petty, vicious, poisonous motherfucker. Now, you’re
a thoughtful, sensitive and powerful warrior with the courage to stand by your
convictions. Of course, the public is fickle. This week, you have the opportunity
to perform another locally great deed, and solidify your upstanding new image.
Or not–if you’re feeling a bit trapped, you could skip the good deed,
wait for opinion to turn, then whip out your sting.




Caeriel@yahoo.com


“This Week’s Horoscope”

Written by None - Do not Delete on . Posted in Posts.



Vultures
have incredible immune systems. Habitually dining on rotting flesh makes them
hardy; they’re naturally gifted with strong stomachs and a powerful resistance
to viral and bacterial agents that would kill a less resilient creature. You
couldn’t be less like those scavenging birds, but you might want to take
your cue from them anyway. Your spiritual immune system could use some toughening
up, especially considering some of the fucked-up crap that’s likely to
come your way next month. Wouldn’t it be useful if the next time someone
condemned you to eat shit and die, you could (metaphorically, at least) eat
shit and live?



Capricorn
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)



Hunter-gatherer
cultures used everything from the beasts they killed, from muscles and organs
to teeth and skin and bones. They couldn’t afford to waste anything. I’m
similar in my treatment of cars–I tend to drive them until they die. (At
least one–my beloved Volvo sedan, Little Beige–chose to commit suicide,
rolling from a parked position, down a hill, swerving into the only brick building
on the block.) This week, emulate me and those tribal huntsmen: since you don’t
know when you’ll next receive new shipments of some of the stuff you need
almost as much as food, be sure to use and enjoy every scrap of what you’ve
already got.



Aquarius
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)



I despise
flying. Although I’m occasionally forced onto a plane out of convenience
or timing, I’d much rather make my journey on the ground–I’ve
crossed the continent at least 15 times that way. It’s how I remind myself
of the overused, but nevertheless valid, truism: the journey is more important
than the destination. Don’t make your current mental voyages as intuitively
incomprehensible as entering one sterile airport and emerging from another one,
with an unpleasant ride in a loud metal tube in between. You’ll be a lot
more likely to enjoy and understand the weird places you end up if you know
exactly how you got there and what you passed along the way. Retracing your
steps, if you have to, is a lot easier that way, too.



Pisces
(Feb. 19-March 20)



Your subconscious
mind is a rescue dog. Your task is as admirable as theirs (to sniff out people
trapped in the devastation of disaster). If all they find is corpses, those
heroic hounds get so despondent they won’t eat or play. Thus their handlers
make sure to end the day with a successful rescue–arranged, if necessary–so
the well-trained pups can discover, delightedly, "survivors." Encountering
obstacle after obstacle as you have can be as depressing as a day of digging
up dead people. Handle yourself. Sustain your spiritual stamina by setting yourself
up for success every now and then, so you can keep doing your job until it’s
done.



Aries
(March 21-April 19)



Extremist
Aries David Blaine (famous for freezing himself in a block of ice for almost
three days, among many other feats) hid $100,000 somewhere and left clues to
the hoard’s discovery in his book, Mysterious Stranger. At its root,
this may just be a shameful ploy to get people to read the book. But it has
the added side benefit of encouraging participation, of getting people engaged
and involved, and I can’t wholeheartedly condemn art that does that. This
week, your admirable ends justify at least some means. Use what works. If appealing
to someone’s greed is the only way to get them where you want them to go,
by all means, do it.



Taurus
(April 20-May 20)



Half of
the snottiest gay couple I know once confessed to me: "N. and I aren’t
together because of any real love. We just know neither of us will ever do any
better." I urge you to reject, in all its forms, any self-defeating "logic"
like this, Taurus. While your week may contain many tempting and seemingly valid
copouts, like the one those guys use as the glue holding their relationship
together, don’t fall for them, since doing so would preclude having access
to the real, and far superior, possibilities due to come your way soon enough.



Gemini
(May 21-June 20)



Geminis
are consummate nibblers. You rarely see a Gemini retreating, post-feast, to
an armchair to belch and unbutton his pants to accommodate a swollen gut. Your
moderation would be admirable, if it were completely honest. (Given enough time,
most Geminis can eat their weight in leftovers.) This tendency to snack instead
of gorge all at once can extend to aspects of life that have nothing to do with
food, especially relationships. Unfortunately, in that arena, your discreet
nibbling could be interpreted as distaste or lack of desire. Since you’re
going to want to "eat" it all eventually anyway, go ahead and chomp.
Your gluttony will be appreciated–and mutual.



Cancer
(June 21-July 22)



Dig deep.
You may resist articulating your feelings because they sound ridiculous out
loud. But don’t let them lurk deep in your soul’s most secret crannies,
malignly pulling strings and making you act out in absurd ways. Emotions are
irrational; it’s hardwired into their essential nature. Try to understand
them anyway. These feelings are probably rooted in hormones, bowel movements,
existential dread, loneliness, sexual frustration or myriad other possible factors–but
not whatever you’re actually directing them at. Be careful of that. This
week, instead of acting out, figure it out.



Leo (July
23-Aug. 22)



On the African
plain as well as astrologically, lions and lionesses play dramatically dissimilar
roles. The formidable lions, with their impressive manes and powerful roars,
make such a show that no one ever messes with them; they rarely have to demonstrate
just how redoubtable they are. Lionesses, on the other hand, are the hunters
and providers for their loved ones. They prove their mettle daily, without making
such a stink about it. Still, there’s something to be said for each style.
You’d do well to switch it up, Lionesses–strut more and consequently
wrangle less. A little show of claws and teeth goes a long way toward not having
to use them. And lions, stop telling everyone how badass you are and just show
them, once in a while.



Virgo
(Aug. 23-Sept. 22)



Canids,
from wolves to poodles to dingoes, have managed to populate virtually the entire
planet. They all come from a single ancestor, called the dawn dog, which originated
about 40 million years ago on the plains of North America. Their evolutionary
strategy: extreme adaptability. Your own personal evolution should borrow from
the genetically resourceful genus canidae. Don’t get locked into
any one version of yourself. Since in the next month you may be required to
manifest anything from savagely effective timber wolf to pampered Shih Tzu to
loyal Labrador retriever, and a host of other specialized extremes besides,
make sure you’re ready and able to move in whatever direction the situation
demands.



Libra
(Sept. 23-Oct. 22)



Identity
issues continue. Last week, I encouraged you to pretend to be someone you’re
not, if it matched your admirable aspirations. As the planets alter their subtle
cosmic dance, however, your challenges change: too many people are on the verge
of discovering your most secret personalities, of connecting the dots between
your inner Peter Parkers and Spider-Men. It goes without saying that your superheroic
effectiveness would be dramatically impaired by concrete discovery along these
lines, which is why you should never allow that to happen. This week, do whatever
it takes to throw your clued-in companions off the scent, and preserve your
clandestine alter egos.



Scorpio
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)



Gliding
through the cosmos, famed as the prime repository, distributor and fount of
universal bliss, there is a place known only as The Funk Palace. This interdimensional,
eternally happening party place is currently manifesting in your slice of heaven,
and playing host to two of the solar system’s most fabulous bigtime celebrities,
Mars and Venus, which means you get a tight-beamed transmission of personal
magnetism for all of December. It’s not exactly fair, since you’re
still enjoying the booty and bounty you acquired during your birthday month,
but instead of dwelling on the delicious injustice of your good fortune, you
should concentrate on the real question: What are you going to do with all this
juicy sexual charisma? Or better yet: Which lucky souls are you going to share
it with?




Caeriel@yahoo.com


This Week’s Horoscope

Written by None - Do not Delete on . Posted in Posts.



Camping
out on the toilet sucks. You know how wretched it is to eat something you shouldn’t
have and spend the next day and a half miserably expelling it from your body.
I can’t usually predict actual food poisoning from planetary movements;
however, more esoteric concerns occasionally make themselves plain. For instance,
if I were you, I’d be careful about what I said this week, and how I said
it. Since eating your words is a distinct possibility, make sure they’re
ones that won’t make you choke, cramp, or puke.



Capricorn
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)



Friendships
are like trees. They can sometimes grow stiff and brittle with age and crack
under unexpected strain, but usually the good ones have an arboreal longevity,
and an ability to weather fierce storms and harrowing droughts. New friendships,
however, are not so robust, whatever their potential. At this stage in their
lives, they’re like barely awakened seeds or springy but fragile saplings;
don’t make the mistake of treating them like the mighty oaks they might
become. This week, nurture those delicate and promising new sprouts. Don’t
piss on them or make them endure forest fires, just because you think they should
be able to. Pamper them now; they’ll survive disaster later.



Aquarius
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)



Viewers
of a mysterious videotape in the movie The Ring are doomed to die seven
days later. Readers of this horoscope are likely to suffer a similar fate: you
won’t die in the next week, but two of your oldest and most hampering viewpoints
are likely to quietly croak in their sleep. It’s about time you were freed
from their hindering effects, and I’m thrilled that current astrological
influences make your escape a near certainty. In fact, the only thing that could
possibly save you from this delicious liberation is a stalwart refusal to let
it happen. Please don’t dig in your heels out of fear. Freedom from illusion
may be scary, but being its victim is worse.



Pisces
(Feb. 19-March 20)



Chameleons,
like you, vary their colors to suit mood, situation or environment. Your similar
changeability, in both cases, is a survival tool. It helps them avoid predators
and stalk prey; it helps you attract the huge variety of strange bedfellows
(both literal and figurative) you crave. You also share a powerful intuition
with that fascinating lizard, which can predict an insect’s movements accurately
enough to nail it with a long, sticky tongue. Long sticky tongues aside, trust
those gut feelings, which can help you find things to feed you, spiritually.
Bear with my metaphor: don’t settle for undeveloped larvae. When the substantially
more nourishing bulk of a full-grown rhinoceros beetle lumbers by this week,
be sure to reel it in.



Aries
(March 21-April 19)



Risk-taking
is one of your fortes. I never have to coax you to be more adventurous, like
I did for Taurus this week. Instead, your friends and I usually waste breath
exhorting you to exercise some restraint, and look before you leap. Not this
week; I’d rather not spoil the surprises you have in store by counseling
you to check them out ahead of time. But since the leaps required to get to
them are quite a bit farther than your usual extravagant jumps, I’ll say
this: go ahead and jump blind, since it’s more fun for you that way. But
strap on a hang-glider, or least a bungee cord, before you hurdle off the cliff.



Taurus
(April 20-May 20)



You got
so tired of nearly every risk-taking venture blowing up in your face that you’ve
pretty much stopped attempting anything the least bit chancy. Although taking
unnecessary risks can liven up your life–and are a part of what makes life
so great–I’m not going to advise you to start doing bong hits, shoplifting
lipstick or having sex in the office. However, don’t let yourself become
boring and overcautious. Sometimes life requires that you take risks that I
would consider quite necessary (and might involve the aforementioned less-necessary
risks), like giving love a chance, nurturing a hidden talent or adopting an
orphaned idea. One of those great and spiritually lucrative opportunities approaches;
please take it.



Gemini
(May 21-June 20)



Shyness
is your worst enemy this week. Since an even higher percentage of people than
usual are likely to find you too intimidating, different, boring or potentially
annoying to approach, based on nothing but your appearance alone, you can’t
leave them to draw such superficial conclusions. Ideally, everyone would just
come to you and converse, to find out what you’re all about. But the world
doesn’t work that way. Increase the odds that people will actually speak
to you (and consequently like you) by not giving them a choice; talk to everyone,
whether it’s likely you’ll become friends with them or not. You (and
they) will be pleasantly surprised at how often your preconceptions were wrong.



Cancer
(June 21-July 22)



Cancerian
psychology dictates that you’re designed to worry. Supposedly you’re
fed and defined, to some extent, by your anxieties and their relief. Fine. However,
if you must worry, at least worry about the right things. Out of your two chief
concerns–emotional and material security–one’s more realistic
than the other. Go ahead and fret a little about money–just enough to keep
you from making the extravagant purchases that’ll shunt you too deeply
into the red. But don’t worry about the loyalty and resilience of your
inner circle of friends; their occasional annoyance with your moodiness is just
that, and won’t more than temporarily disrupt the deeper current of love
beneath.



Leo (July
23-Aug. 22)



Faith is
the cornerstone of any Leo’s optimism. If you believe good things will
happen, they usually do. Even when bad shit goes down, you take it in stride
with all the blessings that also come your way–the balance always comes
out positive, eventually. Still, when Leos experience prolonged periods of less-than-amazing
luck, they can occasionally suffer long-term damage to that self-fulfilling
sunny outlook. That’s why I’m reminding you now, during the pleasant
oasis of a Sagittarius sun: winter sucks for Leos. Things won’t automatically
go your way. Nevertheless, don’t leap to the conclusion that the world
has turned specifically against you. Just dial your hopefulness to a longer
timeframe. By spring, you’ll be the zodiac’s lucky golden child again.



Virgo
(Aug. 23-Sept. 22)



Your Muses
want you busy. Fuck that business about idle hands being the devil’s tools,
but since your best ideas will emerge only when you’re not looking for
them, keeping your brain partially occupied with some task is the best way to
allow your subconscious to divulge its brilliance. When you’re actively
seeking inspiration, it’ll hide like a shy child. Don’t waste energy
fruitlessly pursuing it. Instead, distract yourself with something productive,
be it whittling, knitting or washing dishes. The afflatus will come, and you’ll
be able to do something about it as soon as you finish the project you began
so it could.



Libra
(Sept. 23-Oct. 22)



Mistaken
identities will be a recurring theme in the next fortnight. This week, people
are likely to believe you to be someone or something you’re not. Indulge
them, at least temporarily, by allowing them their illusions. You’re currently
expanding to occupy more of your full potential, and someone else’s shoes
might fit you better than your own right now. It’s not totally a lie, either:
The delicious irony that’s only possible this week is that by pretending
to be something you’re not, you invent the possibility of becoming exactly
that.



Scorpio
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
<