You’re
a golden bull this week. People will feel inclined to worship you on pedestals
constructed from their own self-sacrificial intentions. Please bear in mind:
As flattering as all this attention must be, it’s not healthy–for
you or them. Climb down from the pedestal and make your hapless admirers realize
that you all belong on the same level (whether it’s down here or up there).
This may be harder than you think, but persist anyway; the relief you feel when
you’re no longer bearing the burden and responsibility of people’s
faith and devotion will more than outweigh the ego massage of taking it on.

When a possum
crawled into his wall to die a few years ago, my friend Chris was haunted for
months by what became known as the Smell. The lingering scent of death and rot
refused to be suppressed, ignored or banished, and the offending corpse lay
completely out of reach of any human intervention, leaving him no choice but
to just live with it until eventually it faded. This is something like what
you’ve endured the past few months–a tremendous burden that you couldn’t
help feeling a little sorry for at times, even while you resented it. It was
so omnipresent that you occasionally almost forgot to notice it, so at first
this may seem like one of those moments–until you take a deep breath and
realize that this time, it’s actually, finally, gone.

You believe
in second chances, don’t you? At least you did the last few times you needed
one. So don’t be a hypocrite now. When you’ve screwed up, people have
been kind enough to cut you a break or a deal. Now that you’re the one
who’s been fucked by someone else’s mistake, you’re in a position
to be petty, demanding and unforgiving, or to be gracious and compassionate.
You know what to do, sweet Cancer. Even if the latter requires tremendous amounts
of self-sacrifice, self-control and slick compensation, I hope you choose it.

Your heart,
lately, is like one of those beat-up old jalopies that nobody drives anymore,
the kind that won’t start until you get it rolling in neutral and then
kick it into gear. You need to ask a few friends to start throwing their backs
into it, shoving it until it’s moving fast enough to stay running on its
own. It would be a shame to let the beautiful thing sit in the backyard and
rust when it could be cruising open roads and taking gorgeous people for the
rides of their lives, with a little help from you and those who love you already.

No revolution
would ever stand a chance without Virgos. You’re rarely in the front lines;
it’s what happens after a successful coup (whether that overthrow happens
inside a relationship, job or nation) that determines whether or not it’ll
be successful, or worse than the regime it displaced. In other words, without
the organizational savvy of your tribe, gun-toting rebels would soon fall apart,
leaving nothing as their legacy except destruction. When you’re privy to
the seeds of a revolution this week, let those in charge know whether you’re
behind it or not; believe it, you’re in a position to make it or break
it.

I guess
you’re lucky you haven’t yet figured out how to exactly manifest your
latest whimsical dream job, or you’d be stuck in a position as an Advanced
Pillow Tester and Inspector, in which you’d scrutinize cushions for plumpness,
throwing heft, bite-resistance and tumble-braking. In other words, the kind
of job that’d be fun for about a day–once the novelty wore off, it’d
be about as tedious as it gets. Along with an increased ability to make all
your wishes happen comes responsibility. Until your fantasies are really in
line with what you want and need in the long-term and not just the moment, you
won’t consistently be able to make them come true.

If the walls
are talking, no one’s listening. I certainly don’t want to feed into
any latent psychoses that might be lurking in your subconscious, but the universe
has been whispering subtle clues and very quietly offering divine guidance over
the past week. Unfortunately, you’re either just deaf enough to miss these
hints, or ignoring them. If it’s the former, simply paying attention ought
to be enough to help you play catch-up; if you’re being deliberately obtuse,
however, you almost deserve what you get. Don’t let self-defeating attitudes
keep you from making shit happen; if you miss out, it’s not just you who
suffers–it’s everyone who shares your heart, head or house.

Resist looking
under the rug where all your life’s grunge has been swept the past three
months, because when you discover it still lurking there, perhaps multiplying
and festering, you’ll become too depressed to do anything about it. That
mess needs to be cleaned up soon, make no mistake, just not this week, when
it’ll just bury you in filth instead of motivating you to clean it all
up. For now, ignore the disgusting detritus of your recent screw-ups. Instead,
please concentrate on not adding to them by staying focused on the tasks at
hand.

Sometimes
when her students were exceptionally restless, especially on hot days in late
spring, my elementary school teacher would turn out the lights and instruct
us all to put our heads down on our desks for a little while. Naturally, if
this had been a routine thing, it would never have worked; we’d have wreaked
all sorts of mischief. But the change from our daily grind was so welcome, it
had exactly the effect intended; we were soothed and calmed. You need this kind
of breather; a real break from the oppressive burden of your routine. Turn out
the lights, Cap. Put your head down on the desk for a while and just breathe.

Stop begging
at the dinner table like the family dog. Sitting and staring longingly at what
you want so badly won’t get it for you; table scraps are strictly forbidden
in the house you live in. However, that doesn’t mean that what you desire
is absolutely out of reach; it just requires more resourcefulness, patience
and persistence than you’ve so far demonstrated. How much do you want it?
Only the greatest degree of creativity and ingenuity will yield it to you. Now
that you know what’s necessary to get what you desire, all that’s
left is to either commit, full-on, to getting it or just give up and go lie
down.

Right now
the distances you’re covering are so vast that being halfway to your destination
still feels like you haven’t started. But don’t worry, the desert
you’re crossing isn’t as limitless as it feels; in truth, you only
have to cover as much ground as you’ve already managed. Just because the
green oasis of your destination still lies beyond the wavy heat trails drifting
across your sight doesn’t mean it’s still as unreachable as it was
a couple months ago. Persist, sweet Piscean, in spite of the obstacles and distances
that seem to be ahead. You’re more than strong enough to make it, even
if you don’t feel that way right now, and the lush paradise beyond these
shifting sands is worth the sweat and tears.

You’re
trapped in a game of leapfrog, and you’re not doing much jumping. Shit.
Being used for the advancement of others sucks, and according to the rules of
the game you’ve tacitly agreed to, you’re supposed to just sit there
and take it. Fuck that. Stand up, already. Make yourself so tall that those
who seek to pass you over will crash into you instead. So what if it’s
not your turn? It’s your turn when you make it your turn. Yep, there’s
a chance you could get knocked down by the next behemoth hopping up this path.
So what? You were down already. What have you got to lose?

Your most
useful skills aren’t ones you acquired at the university. You just can’t
learn some of this shit in school. Remember when your favorite uncle taught
you how to break into a car? Or when your big brother gave you advice about
women (or men)? Your best friend hooked you up with the most badass way to get
rid of bill collectors, Jehovah’s Witnesses and telemarketers once and
for all. You know this is the shit. So why cling to book-learning when it comes
to your latest fucked-up quandary? The problem is primed to move–if only
you’d apply Grandma’s stewed prune recipe to the blockage, instead
of what some lameass taught you in college.

Used-car
salesman you’re not. Most Geminis are famous talkers but not great at the
hard sell. It’s too crass. It’s always been your way to subtly allow
the other person to come up with what you always intended as if it were her
own idea, then just agree. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t, but
it’s consistent enough that you haven’t felt any pressing need to
consider alternative strategies. It’s never been a driving ambition of
yours to get too good at manipulating people, anyway. However, since
your buddies will never suggest what you want now without tangible prompting,
something a little less subtle (but still a far cry from selling anyone a lemon
they don’t need) is called for this week. Experiment until you figure out
what works for you, and them.

Emerge from
the dim crying depths of your room. Cancer, the New Moon in Aries heralds a
month of almost unprecedented emotional lightness, with more glee than gloom,
more delight than depression and more hilarity than horror. So although you
must be lauded for sparing your friends from the worst of your recent moodiness
(whenever you were capable of working it out on your own, which was often),
your sad sulking days are over, at least for the moment. Go have fun, for fuck’s
sake. Go be a carefree kid in every way you can. Go play.

Keep your
blood sugar levels up. It can sometimes seem like you have boundless reservoirs
of energy and determination to tap into–whenever you’re motivated
not to be lazy–but these, despite their extraordinary depth, still have
limits, and if you’re not careful to maintain your well-being in the midst
of any long-haul endeavor, you could stall suddenly. What I’m trying to
say is that your internal fuel gauge isn’t all that accurate, and that
your huge gas tanks could be running on empty even while the arrow points to
full. To stay on the safe side this week, do what you know you ought to be doing
to take care of yourself, instead of relying on simply what you feel you need.

A little
stress is good for you. You of all people know this; without a certain constant
undercurrent of tension and urgency, you get bored and restless. But, obviously,
there are limits. Don’t hover too close to the line between too much and
just enough this week, because you never know when a surprise could push you
over the threshold. There’s no guarantee you’ll have to deal with
anything unexpected, but it doesn’t seem entirely unlikely. Give yourself
an emotional buffer; risk being bored and chill out a little. That way, if the
shit hits the fan, you’ll be ready to rock out, not pass out.

Join the
crowds out on the dance floor, Libra. You’ve been a wallflower for ages
now. Stop thinking that just because no one’s asked it means no one’s
interested. You can take the initiative, you know. And besides, if you want
to dance, dance! Screw waiting for a partner. Live for yourself, young hopeful.
If you manage to really and truly do that, you’ll not only be happier,
you’ll be more magnetic, and exciting, and compelling–in other words,
the more happily you can dance (or do anything) alone, the less often, ironically,
you’ll find yourself actually alone.

Be careful
when you open your mouth this week. Your best strategy may be to pretend that
you are a mutant superhero (or supervillain) whose voice is so devastatingly
loud that you smash windows with an errant hiccup and raze buildings with a
scream. This much power ought to be used responsibly. Don’t let your words
wreak devastation on those you love. However, this doesn’t mean you need
to shut up, at all. To the contrary, let’s pretend that your silence also
is a superpower, one that makes living things wither away. So finally, there’s
only a single path left for one as gifted and puissant as you: to speak, always,
but to say only the things you absolutely mean.

I need a
nap. My eyes won’t stay open. I’m sleep-deprived. My concentration
falters. Long sentences daunt me. (I might fall asleep midway through them.)
So I’m keeping it short. (For both our sakes.) Do the same this week. If
a task surpasses you, break it down. In smaller chunks, it won’t intimidate
you. Take it easy. Practice serenity. Tackle one piece at a time. The puzzle
will reveal itself. Be patient. Take one small step, then the next. Don’t
worry about how many more there are to go. You’ll arrive at your destination
eventually. (I did.) Coming next week: really long sentences, and deities born
full-grown.

You’re
a singular sensation waiting to happen. You just haven’t found your audience
yet, the ones who’ll adulate and worship you for the things you’re
so good at. You’ve located isolated fans, but they haven’t coalesced
into a social phenomenon, a sweeping tsunami of Capricorn appreciation that
will consume and flatten everything in its path. Okay, I’m being dramatic;
this isn’t a Janet’s-boob-caliber to-do you should be expecting here.
But even though its effects will be more localized than that fiasco, you’ll
be far more worthy of the attention–which, in turn, will be more real,
and actually last long enough to matter.

If only
you could convert your skin to solar panels, and recharge your internal batteries
off the dazzling luminousness of the cavalcade of attention you’ve been
receiving lately. I’m not even sure if it’s the kind of interest you
enjoy; from here the glare seems blistering. But I do know one thing: Since
it’s not about to abate, you can’t escape it, short of changing your
name and going into hiding. Therefore, this week you ought to concentrate on
finding a way to keep it from draining you, and make it actually revitalize
you, instead.

The smoky
lenses of your perception have steadily darkened all winter, leaving your world
shrouded in layers of frigid cynicism. Luckily, the springy lightness of your
essentially hopeful nature has retained a hint of green, even while buried under
snow and ice. Now, with spring imminent, the load of doubt weighing you down
will melt, giving you the chance to send forth new shoots, and new branches
and new leaves, ready to soak up sunlight, love and the other things that nurture
you. They’re also able to generate buds that will, in time, burst open
abundantly into exotic blooms the likes of which you’ve never seen before,
let alone produced. But we’re getting ahead of ourselves. This week, find
your neglected hope and start nurturing it. When the glacier pinning you evaporates
in the coming weeks, I want you to be ready to explode with new growth and innocence.

You’re
a hippo in a deliciously cool mud wallow. That’s not some weird commentary
on your weight; I’m referring to your state of mind. You have immense reasons
to be content, comfortable, at ease. No one’s going to mess with you right
now, and you’ve got everything you need at hand. So why wander from the
wallow? You’ll be missing something soon enough and have to return to the
hunt, or the search, or a familiar state of longing. Why go there prematurely?
Enjoy what you’ve got, and don’t pollute it with the greed of wanting
more. Got it, Taurus? It’s quite simple. Just wallow.

Don’t
be too zealous about guarding your personal space this week. Astrological influences
indicate you’re going to have to just deal with elbows in your side on
the subway or unwelcome hangers-on at the office or kids in leech mode, or go
quite mad trying to fend them all off. Hey, it’s inconvenient, but it could
be worse. People want and need to be close to you; it’s unfortunate that
it’s closer than you’d like, but you have to admit it’s still
better than everyone giving you a wide berth and not approaching you at all.
In other words, try to see it this way: a little too much is better than none
at all.

With this
week’s full moon in Virgo, you’ve got an amazing opportunity to set
up your next seven steps in any direction, and a reasonable assurance that all
will conform exactly to design. Seven steps may not seem like much to most people,
but you and I know that your ability to accurately plot into the future has
been extremely limited lately, so more than a half dozen stages of a plan going
precisely right is an incredible luxury. Recent distractions have made you fall
behind the schedule you created for yourself at the beginning of the year. Now’s
your chance to catch up and get back on track. Don’t waste it.

Have you
lost hope? Fuck, don’t let those arguments (masquerading as realism) convince
you that to persist now would be like throwing tons of time and energy into
a black hole from which nothing will ever, ever emerge. They’re wrong,
so don’t let this kind of thinking reach infinite mass and drag you down
forever. Fighting it head-on, however, would also be a mistake. There’s
only one way to move through the powerful gravitic forces of these insanely
heavy thoughts–surrender to them, but keep a tight grip on the psychic-silk
dragline to your determination and hope (no matter how "unrealistic").
Say: "You’re right. This will probably all end in tragedy. But I’m
going for it anyway, full-on, in case there’s a chance it won’t."
That chance does exist–but only if you believe in it.

Virgo Macy
Gray sings: "Sugar wishes don’t change what is real, or how it feels…"
That’s your mantra this week, sweet baby. It’s good to have hopes
and delicious desires, but just dreaming of them ain’t going to make them
a reality, at least this week. You’ve got to deal with what’s real,
and possibly work quite hard to make your fondest fantasies manifest. In other
words, you get to do just what you’re good at; roll up your sleeves and
sweat to make things happen–and consequently enjoy them more fervently
and fully when they do.

The evening
news is all about fear. Start noticing that their nightly message is a litany
of new things for you to worry about or be afraid of. The vast majority of these
things will never happen to you, and fretting won’t make them less likely,
in any case. Cut the newscast–and anything else that adds to the sum total
of your fears–from your psychic diet. Make absolute fearlessness your goal.
Anything that doesn’t fall under the lean guideline of "reasonable
caution" is health-destroying mental fat, so eliminate it. Then go have
fun, because what else is left to do?

You sometimes
feel like you’re on a mighty lonely journey, eh, Scorpio? That you’ve
been walking solo for just ages now, and the only people you pass are going
in the opposite direction. But you’re not alone–you’re just late.
All your sweet soul companions have arrived, just ahead of you, at the oasis
you’re approaching, and are patiently waiting for you to get there. Don’t
expect huge crowds, only an elite few. But take heart–there’s a high
likelihood that when you catch up to the group, you’ll find a remarkable
and fascinating companion or three, to accompany you along the next stretch.

Obsession.
It’s a mental trip you Sags are all but immune to, at least compared to
most of the other signs. However, when it strikes you, it’s just as intense
as it is for those singleminded Aries or nervous Virgos. You’re teetering
on the edge of that precarious and all-encompassing state, so tread carefully
right now. You need the sun you’re drawn to. You crave its warmth and beneficence.
But you also need some protection from it, or you’ll go blind with longing.
So take a careful step back, don some shades, slather on some psychic sunscreen,
and go bask in deliciousness, instead of frying in ridiculousness.

It’s
not that you don’t have an emotional side–something you’re often
ridiculously accused of lacking. This is because it sometimes seems that way,
because of your exceptional ability to temporarily bypass even the most intense
feelings to get shit done when necessary. However, the wisest of us never doubt
for a second that you’re as deep as they come. While you could do without
those idiots who think otherwise, it’s still in your best interest to not
present such a stoic, practical face to the world. Emote. Let your softest,
fuzziest side show. You might be amazed at who reaches out to touch it.

If humans
survive for another 10,000 years, at least segments of our species will be so
transformed that they’ll be virtually unrecognizable as human. They will
call into question exactly what it means to be human; whether our species is
what it is because it retains a certain shape, or a certain method of thought,
or certain philosophies. I got into this train of thought because I was thinking
of how you’re going to wrap your mind around this week’s conundrums.
The things you desire (and possibly need) are likely to be presented to you
in unfamiliar shapes and packages. So what do you want, Aquarius? The present
itself, or does the wrapping matter, too?

Surrender
to the primitive this week. Bang on a drum. Fuck in a tree, or a hot spring,
or simply with mad animal abandon. Your power right now derives directly from
your internal Neanderthal, from you-as-monkey, from your gut and your skin and
your chaotic primal source. Forgive your busy brain its incessant prattling,
but don’t give it much heed, either. All those fluttering thoughts aren’t
where it’s at. Obviously, you’ll need to use your head often this
week, just because that’s what your life demands. However, please try,
whenever possible–whenever there’s a choice between instinct and dull,
dry reason–to choose the one that makes an explosive supernova of your
heart, not the one that merely makes sense.

Don’t
question the ease. When your half-assed efforts yield brilliant results, flow
with it. That’s just how your week is. I know how hard you usually have
to work for things before you catch a break, so simply accept the sweet deals,
the effortless lays and the winning numbers. You rarely get things handed to
you on such shiny silver platters. Wear an inflamed sense of entitlement, for
one week only, instead of clothes. It’s all you need. One minor caveat:
Don’t get used to it. Come next week, you’ll have to dress yourself
and work for a living, just like everyone else.

You swallowed
a sword and forgot to pull it back out. Ouch! You’ve become so casual and
offhand about devouring danger that now you’re faced with that 33-inch
blade working its way through your system, the hard way. I wish I’d noticed
it when you still could have grabbed the hilt and extricated yourself from this
edgy situation, but now it’s too late. Seek out some astrological lube
to swallow, quick. Not sure how to find it? It’s easily identifiable–anything
(or anyone) that gives your stomach butterflies. Found some? If I were you,
I’d lie down at that spring and drink deep, all week long.

Like the
other water signs, you’re blessed with seven secret senses that the rest
of us can only guess at. You’ll need to rely on them, especially the equivalent
of your emotional sonar and radar, since the dangers and opportunities swimming
past you (or toward you) through the ether are invisible to the naked eye, disguised
as people you’d never notice, let alone bat a flirtatious eyelash at. These
sharks and octopussies merit your wariness and discernment, so make sure all
secret systems are go. Don’t believe the hype that you’re stuck with
the same basic sensory equipment as everyone else. Trust the fluttery sensations
at the edges of sight and under your skin. This week, they’re what’ll
keep you safe (or stimulated).

With the
sun swimming in the glimmery waters of the Piscean Sea you are even more inclined
than usual to relish the glamour of things you can’t understand, to be
drawn to mystery and surrender to the unknowable. Fine. I applaud your courage,
imagination and passion. Just one warning or promise, before you wade in over
your head: The places you’re wanting to go will probably be good for you,
but may also require a huge shift of personal paradigm. What I mean is, for
months or years now you’ve kept the royal coin of your kingdom POWER side
up. If you truly want to venture into these new territories, it’s time
to flip that coin. The other side, of course, says: letting go.

You can’t
bubble-wrap your heart through this one, baby. You’ve managed to protect
it through a number of rough tumbles and scrapes by swaddling it in layers of
insulation, but it’s time to open your chest and walk around with heart
on sleeve, instead of trapped and sheltered inside the cage of your ribs. Believe
me, it’s not as scary as it sounds; it’s actually exhilarating. You’ll
notice colors, music, scents and flavors you’d swear you’ve never
experienced before. And you’ll be that much closer, more accessible and
more available to the other delicious sensations coming your way. I can’t
tell you more. It’d ruin the surprise.

Don’t
let nostalgia fuck you; a few months pass, and suddenly your tendency to romanticize
the past destroys your equilibrium. That asshole you dated and dumped last year
suddenly seems "not so bad." You can’t remember, quite, what
compelled you to cast off that dead weight. "Maybe," you speculate,
"I was being too picky." No, you weren’t. Don’t trust your
fickle memory this week, especially if it disagrees with your diary, or your
closest compadres. The antidote to all this Vaseline-lensed reminiscence? Focus
on the exciting promise of the future or, better yet, making those thrilling
possibilities available to you NOW.

Two key
parts of the Scorpionic diet are stomach butterflies and the kind of hackle-raising
shivers you get when you’re terrified and walking into a haunted moonlit
graveyard, or a new love, or the end of a beloved chapter of your life. Unfortunately,
lately you’ve been starving. You’re practically wasting away. Fuck,
Scorpio, it’s your own fault. You’ve been passing the seedy alleys
and dark hearts that thrill and deliciously devastate you. This week, start
exploring derelict places and tempting yourself with forbidden fruits. Whether
or not you actually find any hidden treasure or eat any exotic produce, you’ll
have cured, finally, your spiritual anorexia.

Talk about
feeling torn. The forces influencing you this week may stretch you to the point
of snapping. The irony is that neither enthusiastic devotee has malicious intent;
it’s your own popularity and desirability that’s the culprit. Spare
your admirers, and yourself, the destructive backlash of you coming apart at
the seams, by gently loosening their grips, especially one of them. That might
mean making a choice you were unprepared for, but since you were likely to spoil
one or both connections with a minor breakdown, go for damage control. This
way you can save one, and possibly both.

Watch out
for those innocent tricksters, the Pisceans, this week, as they’re liable
to fool you big time without even trying. In fact, they’ll be so guileless
that you’ll end up, if you’re not careful, feeling like you fooled
yourself. That could end up sending you on a bender, or at least a self-destructive
wallow, and none of us needs that. There’s no need to be overcautious or
excessively suspicious. But when a mischievious Pisces invites you to play one
of his or her sweet games (which could be hilarious fun), make sure you just
play, and don’t go so far that you get played.

If anyone
has hope of overcoming the bullshit True Love Programming we’ve all been
trained to believe in and live by, it’s you, Aquarius. We look to you for
inspiration, this week, on how to live outside of the ridiculously unattainable
expectations we’ve been bred with. What are the solid elements of partnership,
the ones that can outlast the fickle ebb and flow of sexual desire and romantic
passion? And how to find the partners who are willing to meet you there, sex
or no sex? It’s a tricky, slippery slope, and whether or not you ascribe
to this path or philosophy in the long term, I’m confident that by spending
this week paying attention to questions like these, you’ll get at least
one or two gems that will improve every relationship you have from here on out.

They’re
handing out books in Mexico City’s subway–to help fight crime. They
theorize that not only will distributing seven million paperbacks improve the
atmosphere, it will help educate people and make them less likely to rob others.
I can’t say I buy their hypotheses, but so what? Giving books away probably
will have more positive than negative repercussions. Likewise, the measures
you’re considering may not be quite enough to get the job done, but go
through with them anyway. You and everyone else involved will end up better
off and that much closer to coming up with the solutions that will finish off
these particular quandaries, once and for all.

Quit making
excuses. Yeah, you have some legitimate reasons for bailing on some of your
more daunting responsibilities and opportunities, but mostly you need to admit
that all the obstacles you’re citing are so surmountable, mere molehills
compared to some of the mountains you’ve climbed in the past. So what’s
stopping you? From here it looks like either laziness or an unprecedented lack
of courage. Buck up. If you wait for them to construct a ski lift to the top,
you’ll be waiting way too long, and miss out on the long, exhilarating
rides down the other side.

As I was
walking my dog in the frigid cold outside last night, I heard the inane, macabre
tinkle of an ice cream truck coming down my street. I was convinced I was mistaken;
what idiot would try to sell frozen treats in sub-zero weather? Further investigation
revealed that a Mr. Softee truck was indeed parked nearby, hawking its wares,
and what’s more, people were buying! The few passersby were so bemused
and amused by the incongruity of the situation that they just had to buy a cone.
When I reviewed your astrological forecast for the week, I thought of this situation–it’s
not exactly prime season for people to buy what you’re selling, but if
I were you, I’d put it all out there anyway. You might be surprised.

Homing pigeons,
it turns out, don’t take their bearings from the sun; instead they follow
the roads. A British team of researchers found that the birds would navigate
their routes based on highways below them, even to the point of turning at junctions
and going around roundabouts. So why the hell are you sweating trying to follow
intermittent and vague internal signs? You’re not the first person to walk
this emotional road. Sure, trusting your instincts is a good basic strategy,
but sometimes, when they’re not entirely clear, you can just follow the
same street signs and highways as everyone else or, you know, ask directions.

This is
a shitty time for your sense of entitlement to fail you. Where’s your fabled
cockiness? Your indomitable self-confidence? When something this good and unprecedented
happens to you, you’re not supposed to cringe and doubt your worthiness.
Instead, regally and graciously receive it as your rightful due. Also, resist
questioning the obvious value or veracity of the treasure in front of you. It’s
real, it’s here, it’s worth more than you could ever know and it’s
yours. Yes, you’re very, very lucky. Never forget that, or cease to be
thankful for it. But just accept it already.

Be prepared
for minor yet profound surprises this week. An example of what to look out for:
having the wallet you lost three years ago returned, with all photos, cards
and cash still inside (all $18 of it); or your former best friend finally calling
you after coming to his senses about his foray into the evil cult of Scientology;
or discovering evidence that your childhood pet really did go to live on a farm
for years, instead of being put to sleep, as you’d suspected. In the grand
scheme of things, big deal; you’d already let these things go ages ago,
gotten over it and happily moved on. But allowing a few more blessings into
your little world can only improve it, so why wouldn’t you?

The only
time my downstairs neighbors are ever nice to me (fuck, the only time they even
acknowledge me) is when they need something, like access to the roof
(through my apartment); the rest of the time they seize every opportunity to
undermine my position here (tattling to the landlord about my dog, or about
any guest who might be visiting from out of town). So I don’t believe they
warrant any special treatment or niceties from me, based on their behavior.
Still, I’ve never once acted directly against their interests, not because
they don’t deserve it, but because I don’t deserve to become
that petty person. This week, when you have the choice between being righteously
nasty or undeservedly sweet, choose the latter–for your sake, not theirs.

Your worst
and most incriminatory actions tend to sprout from a feeling of smallness, or
not mattering. Now, everyone feels this way from time to time–only you
Scorps are such effective and dangerous people that when you act out, there
are usually serious repercussions. Therefore, may I suggest taking proactive
steps to avoid that feeling of inconsequentiality? For instance, I’m learning
German, and it feels good to spend time every day acquiring a tangible new piece
of knowledge. Starting today, follow my example, and become, in whatever way
you wish, more than you were yesterday, and the day before, and so on. Soon
you’ll be so big inside yourself that the thought of doing anything the
least bit petty or mean won’t even occur to you.

I can’t
believe it’s come to this: a lecture about wallflower syndrome. You Sagittarians
are notoriously larger-than-life, so I’m just plain shocked that you’re
considering taking in your own oversize britches. There’s a fine line between
humility and selling yourself short, and you’ve crossed it–in the
wrong direction. "It’s better to be humble than arrogant," I
hear you muttering, in your own defense. Screw that. You’re among the best,
so just fucking own it. If you don’t, some cheap hack is going to get what
you deserve because he’s willing to sing his own praises when you’re
not.

Your life
is a fairy tale this week–or as close as real life gets–and not the
boring parts of those stories, either, like when the princess pricks her finger
on a spindle and sleeps for a hundred years. Instead, look for more exciting
action, like becoming the beneficiary of an almost magical godmother figure,
engaging in victorious battle against an evil, tyrannizing dragon or finally
proving yourself the rightful heir to a throne (of sorts). No more biding your
time in an ivory tower waiting for something to happen. Come on, Rapunzel. Let
down your goddamn hair already. The prince is waiting.

Thank you,
Aquarius, for being receptive to outlandish ideas these past few weeks. This
is a good general move for you, as history shows that some of your best plans
are hatched out of the oddest eggs (and often go through some serious ugly duckling
stages along the way before they mature into the elegant solutions they’re
destined to become). So keep it up; your diligent open-mindedness is the only
key you need to unlock the doors behind which lie your most fascinating and
successful paths. Feel like settling for the third-best route into your future?
Just stop listening.

Don’t
be snappish or petulant, no matter the temptation. You’re an oyster polluted
by astrological irritants that are bound to make you respond to virtually everything
with aggravation, not gratification. But the things people are giving you aren’t
specifically intended to push your buttons; they’re actually as impersonal
as dirt. Don’t spit them right out, no matter how bad they taste. Don’t
swallow them either, to turn to ulcers in your gut. Instead, chew on them for
a while; right now you have the power to turn shit into pearls, as long as you’re
patient, persistent and willing to suffer just a little (but no more or less).
Pearls, I say! To do anything else would almost be a crime.

The obstacle
in front of you is much like an elementary school bully. He’s got the advantage
of size and aggression but no clear agenda. So he does stupid-ass shit like
stepping side-to-side to block your path, repeatedly, just to piss you off.
There’s nothing you can do to appease him; getting a rise out of you will
only encourage him, and failing to do so will only inspire him to greater efforts.
I say knock him down now before things escalate too much. Make it count, so
that when he finally picks himself up he’ll think twice before fucking
with you again.

With Mars
cannonballing into your sign this week, your temper, sex appeal and energy levels
should flare internally, but don’t let them erupt into action yet. Instead,
keep yourself simmering, like a sleeping Vesuvius full of molten fury, just
beneath the surface. You’ll have a much better opportunity to spend this
fervent force next week, so keeping the lid on until the right moment will really
pay off, if only you can manage it. That might be more difficult than it sounds,
because your fuse really has been trimmed quite short; mostly it’s going
to be about avoiding petty situations that might ignite it.

Get down
off your soapbox before someone knocks it out from under you. You’re absolutely
right, but this is just the wrong time to make your point. No one is apt to
listen to you be preachy, overly philosophical or even merely educational. Not
that you need to stifle your important message; you just need to alter the format
a little. People are all ears when you’re telling jokes, hilarious anecdotes
from your past and straight-up trashy gossip. Slide your sermons, philosophies
and lessons into those formats and people will flock to you, not run away.

You’re
not cotton candy, babe. You’d like to come off as sweet, light, colorful
and casual as spun sugar, but you’re just not. You’re heavy, dark
and rich, like flourless chocolate cake with espresso. Since the main problems
you may encounter this week have to do with pretending to be something you’re
not, simply don’t do that. There are times for acting, make-believe
and plain old lying, but this week ain’t one of them. Be absolutely real,
without embellishment or digression, because anything less will so obviously
be crap that people won’t have any qualms about hanging up, walking away
or kicking your ass.

You like
to feel special. What else is new? Welcome to the human condition. Only Leos
can take it to more of an extreme, occasionally picking partners or friends
based on their ability to give you that "special feeling," rather
than any particular commonality or quality of their own? Luckily for you, that
bit of shallowness rarely lasts long in a friendship, and you learn to admire
and appreciate all the beautiful qualities your flatterers possess, besides
silver tongues. This week, honor those qualities–everything that draws
you to a person besides how they make you feel about yourself–by making
sure they know how much you appreciate them.

You’re
a three-year-old playing with an armed grenade. You simply have no idea what
you have in hand, nor how dangerous it is. Fortunately, you have enough coordination
to keep the thing from exploding; you just lack knowledge–or did, before
I warned you. Now that you know, you can closely examine all the people or situations
you’ve idly been tossing about, carefully set down the potentially explosive
one and quietly (but quickly) back away. You might feel tempted to succumb to
a martyrish urge to hold onto it so no one else need bear the brunt of that
detonation, but don’t. This ain’t your bomb, and you don’t deserve
to cope with its fallout. Put it down while you still have hands.

"Force
me to do what I want." That’s your mantra this week, and you should
be using it to encourage everyone around you to help you overcome your own resistance
to success. Your goals are close, possibly even reachable, but for some reason
you’re having a hard time motivating. You need more than a kick in the
butt. You need to be chained to your dreams and allowed to do nothing but advance
toward them. You need to be whipped and tortured into actually fulfilling your
greatest aspirations. Believe me, we are all ready to see you shine and succeed–even
if we have to bust your ass until you do.

Travel someplace
and follow the recommendations of the guidebook you bought, and you’ll
have a positive, satisfactory experience. Diverge from the guidebook’s
limited information and you risk disaster, or you could find the secret
hotspot that’s way better than anything in the travel guide, simply because
no one knows about it. Get off the beaten path this week. Trust your instincts.
Why settle for adequate second best when you don’t have to? Keep the guidebook
handy, so you can gauge what average might be. Then don’t quit looking
until you’ve found much, much better. You will.

Have you
begun construction on your panic room? You’ve been experiencing such an
unusually high amount of anxiety (for you, at least; a typical Cancer would
consider this level of worry very low) that I’m half-expecting you to invest
in a sturdy steel room where you can hide from all the things you’re scared
of. The good and bad news is that your many apprehensions are purely in your
own head. It’s bad news because a bomb shelter would do little to shield
you from your own overactive imagination. But it’s good news because that’s
all it is. And an overactive imagination can be tamed into merely an
active, vital and vibrant one.

The problem
with having a higher standard for yourself means your opponents can play dirty
and sometimes gain an advantage over you. Don’t let their lack of ethics
make you compromise yours, though. You don’t need to cheat. You may lose
on the sprint when they hitch a ride for part of the race, but you have the
strength, speed and courage to gain back the lead. If you don’t doubt yourself
or give up, you’ve got this marathon in the bag. You’re just better,
that’s all, and now you have the means to prove it, showing up all the
unscrupulous bastards who think they’ve got you beat.

If it weren’t
for the weather, this would be a great week to stroll naked in the streets.
There’s just no shame in your game these days, and it shows. This is a
good thing. We’ve made some of the other bad signs stay after school, wash
the chalkboards and clap the erasers of your past. In other words, thanks to
their diligence and your own creditability, you’ve got more or less a clean
slate, at least in all the rooms you use most frequently. There might be a dark
secret or two written in chalk on the walls of some basement storage closet,
but let’s not worry about that now. You’ve got some important lessons
to teach (and learn), and now you have the space and time to do so.

Spice things
up a little bit. We’re not talking the old standbys of salt, pepper and
Tabasco. Dip into slightly more exotic flavors, like cumin, paprika or saffron.
In other words, branch out. Don’t just make your same old familiar flavors
mouth-scorchingly hot; try some new ones. This is not something I usually need
to encourage you to do, but since you’re feeling irrationally cautious
without good reason, I thought I’d give you a friendly, encouraging slap
on the ass. When you stop growing, changing and being willing to experience
new things, that’s a kind of death. You’re nowhere near in danger
of that, but your reticence does make you seem a bit…old. Prove me wrong:
Open your mouth and say, "Ahh…"

Your feet
might as well be bolted to the floor when you make up your mind. A tsunami couldn’t
move you without obliterating your whole damn house. Unfortunately, a tidal
wave of that magnitude is coming your way. It has the power to uproot the building,
and you with it. So even if you don’t change your mind, you might want
to play the "choose your battles" card and duck out of this fight.
There’ll be plenty more skirmishes with the universe this year, and most
of them you can actually win–but not if you get taken out in the first
round.

Gemini
(May 21-June 20)

You are
the Spam Conqueror, the Missing Sock Finder, the Bad Breath Blaster. You are
our hero, the every-schmo’s mutant, who can actually do something about
our day-to-day miseries. Take that, X-Men! There are those who may be far richer,
more powerful, more beautiful or supernaturally gifted. But can they keep our
inboxes free of unwanted solicitations, discover the hideouts of our absent
footwear or eradicate the halitosis of our otherwise perfect dates? No! Don’t
berate yourself for not having 10-inch adamantium claws or being able to control
the weather. Your abilities are far more valuable to those around you.

This is
a good week to stand at the picket fence and gossip with your neighbor, Madge,
about whose kids are the milkman’s. Or it would be, if you lived in another
century. Some of your recent actions are hopelessly anachronistic, and while
that’s endearing on some level, it’s not going to get you results
unless you find someone else who’s stuck in exactly the same decade as
you. It’s hard for someone who loves old things, familiar faces and places,
and the tried and true to embrace the new. But unless you upgrade your outlook
to cutting edge, your antiquated attitudes will put you right out of business.

You’re
either useless or invaluable this week. There’s no middle ground for you
proud Lions. So the trick is finding the niches where people will regard you
as supremely indispensable, and avoiding the ones where you’ll just get
in the way. This is simple, given your breadth of self-knowledge–as long
as you don’t let your pride delude you. You have a tremendous repertoire
of skills you can do adequately, but an average performance won’t cut it
right now; it will, in fact, get you in trouble. However, there are quite a
few things you know you rock at. Stay busy with those and you can’t
go wrong.

Don’t
make things personal or political. You’re in such a difficult, murky gray
area. I don’t envy you for the lose-lose situation you may find yourself
in this week, since someone whose goodwill you desire will probably end up feeling
betrayed. Sucks, but just remember this: When you’re asked to make judgment
calls between your two best friends, your mom and dad, or your boss and coworker,
your only real ally is the objective truth. If you play favorites, everyone
will see through you, resent you and lose respect for you. On the other hand,
if you make the right call, the one in the wrong may hate you now but forgive
you soon.

Sure, you
found a ladder all the way to the top. Too bad it’s made of breadsticks
that would never support your weight. Still, I wouldn’t wait around to
see if they get stronger as they get staler. What you have here is an amazing
opportunity to see how to get where you want to go, even if this exact
method won’t take you there. That’s all that’s been holding you
back: knowledge, not a failure of strength, talent or determination. Once you’ve
figured out your route, you’ll be able to build your own, stronger ladder
straight to the next level up, and climb it, unhindered, in no time.

My dad sent
me a huge tin of butter cookies for Christmas that have proceeded to haunt and
tempt me for the past month. You’re facing a similar lure: You know what’s
in front of you is no good for you, in the long or short-term, yet it’s
so delicious and so available, it’s almost impossible to say no. Believe
me, I know. I’ve eaten half the tin by myself, and butter cookies are crap
compared to what’s being presented to you on a silver platter. My only
advice: Do the equivalent of stuffing yourself so full of broccoli that you
couldn’t eat another bite, not even of a delicious, buttery cookie.

If you found
maggots in your pudding, a fingernail in your salad or cockroaches in the spaghetti
sauce, it might very well kill your taste for those things forever, or at least
a very long time. So I can understand why you’d be turned off to romance,
after the distasteful things you’ve had to bite into and swallow. But please
remember to not get too stuck on your past. Pudding, salad or sauce made by
a new cook is much less likely to be infested with unwanted ingredients. Don’t
let your new connection be plagued by the same impurities as the one you just
flushed. Cleanse your emotional palate and chow down.

You are
an ouroboros, a snake eating its own tail. That is, you’ve been devouring
yourself slowly, just to keep going. But that self-destructive, if fascinating,
behavior, is about to change, because new prey will soon present itself. Don’t
go getting all predatory and mean, though; this new source of nourishment isn’t
something you need to stalk and consume whole. S/he’s more like a fruit
tree, giving you constantly replenishing pieces of himself or herself, without
harm (karmic or otherwise) coming to either of you. It’s such a win-win
(s/he wants to give you "fruit" just as much as you want to eat it),
I’m quite envious.

Don’t
let yourself become obsessed with a vendetta. That’s the wrong path to
pursue. Yeah, the shit you’ve had to deal with lately probably deserves
some vengeance, but you’re not exactly in a position to coolly dish it
out. Instead of making things escalate, back off. Chill out, and forgive. If
anyone’s capable of this saintly behavior, it’s you. I can’t
give you any reason that you’d find compelling in this moment except this:
Six months from now, you’ll sorely regret any of the shit you perpetrated
in the name of revenge, and be sincerely glad for all the shit you didn’t.

Life is
timing. This can happen on a small scale–like which bus you catch–or
on a grand scale, like what year you were born; that can really screw
you. For example, lusting after your 19-year-old neighbor is totally fine when
you’re 16, but a little more problematic when you’re 46. See what
I’m getting at here? There’s some shit on your plate that you can
do something about, and some that you just have to let go of. It’s actually
obvious which is which, if you take a step back from your emotions: Go get the
plastic surgery so you look 10 years younger. But forget the teenager regardless.

You’re
spoiled. We all are. We live in a time when virtually any kind of food is available
at any time of year, when the least of us lives mostly better than royalty a
few centuries ago. I like to periodically remind you (and myself) of this basic
fact, so we don’t get too caught up in feeling sorry for our essentially
minor dramas. If the average human lifespan were still 35, most of us wouldn’t
have time for the ridiculous "crises" we devote much of our waking
days to. This week, get down to what’s real inside the big picture, not
just the little frame surrounding your day.

You feel
pretty safe. Unfortunately, the protective umbrella you’re taking refuge
under is no sturdier than a flimsy canvas awning trying to withstand a meteor
strike. That’s not to say you’re going to suffer anything as calamitous
as a comet collision. But you still might want to take steps, because your shelter
is more feeble than you think. It’s not doing you any good, so abandon
it. Your best bet is dodging the meteor; walk out from under your essentially
useless umbrella so you can actually look up, see it coming and get out of its
fucking way.

Don’t
confuse intense sexual attraction with true love. They are two separate things–and
while it’s amazing when they overlap, which they often do, that’s
not necessarily the case here. Amazing physical chemistry is incredible fun,
and by all means enjoy it and throw yourself into it. But at the same time,
when you have a spare moment, reserve the coolest part of your brain to look
at who you guys are out of bed. Forming a partnership of any kind based on something
as changeable and fluid as animal passion is foolhardy at best and downright
stupid at worst.

Last night,
my neighbor was hammering something at 4 in the morning. I can’t understand
how anyone living in a city, with people above, below, and on either side of
them, can feel okay about doing something that loud and invasive at such an
absurd hour. Yet that kind of self-involved oblivious attitude is not so different
from the one you’ve been trying on for size this past week. It may not
be quite as inconsiderate or obviously rude as doing construction work in the
wee hours, but it’s still being unmindful of the various emotional trips
that might be going on around you. Since giving them some airtime could mean
a better audience for your inner drama, you might want to consider it.

There’s
more than one way to skin a cat. Just keep that in mind this week–because
you’re the cat that’s in danger of being stripped of most of your
protective outer layers. Those wily hunters aren’t likely to try the most
straightforward and traditional methods of taking you down; they’re more
surreptitious and subtle than that. So be on guard. Going down at the hands
of these assholes is by no means a sure thing–before I told you, it was
only 50/50; now that you know, you’re much more likely to walk away with
a few scalps instead. And if you do happen to get figuratively skinned, don’t
freak out about that. Your ego has more regenerative capacity than Wolverine.

I’ve
been bouncing back and forth between writing, running errands, playing with
my dog and half a dozen other necessary tasks. It feels a lot like being a Virgo,
actually, and part of me sees the joy of having this many balls in the air and
being skilled enough not to drop a single one. Damn, you’re sexy. Unfortunately,
most people don’t have enough of an awareness of what it takes to live
a life like yours, so they only see a harried, decent person, with no free time,
and hardly any of your inherent hotness. If they could walk a day in your shoes,
they’d get it. But since that’s not possible, seize the one or two
opportunities you’ll get this week to show, not tell, exactly how badass
and capable you are.

People suck,
don’t they? Which makes your recurring and powerful craving for partnership
with one of them all the more galling and frustrating for you. Your desire isn’t
wrong or anything–although you should certainly keep it from eclipsing
personal development and spiritual progress–but it is self-defeating. Your
eminent availability makes you, in an ironic, fucked-up way, less of a desirable
candidate, because unattainability is a sickly compelling aphrodisiac. You shouldn’t
start playing games to hide your true desires, however. Just slow them down.
Try this: Progress any relationship at half the speed you’d wish. Wouldn’t
you prefer to get to where you’re going, even if it takes twice as long
as you’d like, rather than not get there at all?

Don’t
start burning the furniture for heat just yet. You may feel inspired to take
desperate measures to meet the apparently desperate need you’re feeling.
But things aren’t as dire as you think or as they seem. Just wait a few
days; in retrospect, you’ll be able to see it was your uncertainty that
was killing you (or seeming to), not your circumstances. Practice patience and
listen hard. Once you’re armed with a little more knowledge, your soul
will be in substantially less anxiety or pain, and your butt will thank you
for not destroying the couch.

Unplug.
You’ve had your soul charging from the same outlet for long enough. Your
batteries are now at 100 percent. Staying here longer will only waste your time
and best opportunities to attain your current lofty aspirations. By "here,"
I mean this mental and/or physical junction, where you’re poised to make
a big leap of faith in yourself. You’ve been rightfully building up your
strength, like a video- game character fortifying his life meter before tackling
a difficult level. But now you’ve got all the skills, the fortitude and
the desire to conquer not only this level, but the whole game. Go for it. You
can worry about what game you’ll play next when you’re done with this
one.

Learn from
Leos. They’re your astrological opposites, but you’re not as different
as you think; you’re both affable, social and maintain large groups of
friends and acquaintances (but allow only a select few to get close). In fact,
the only significant difference between you is not methodology but motivation.
In other words, you both do similar things, but while their actions are driven
by emotion and the inertia of enthusiasm, yours are prompted by the urgings
of your overactive mind and the restless stirrings of imagination and inspiration.
In other words, while they could benefit from your logic, reason and cool-handed
touch, you could learn a lot (and go a lot further, too) with a hearty, turkey-baster-sized
injection of their passion.

Pull up!
Pull up! Just grab that stick and haul back, because the plane you’re on
is going to nosedive and crash otherwise. A few months ago, that prospect wouldn’t
have fazed you, but now that you’ve achieved some impressive height and
even spent time at cruising altitude, it’d be a shame not only to have
to start all the way back at sea level, but to have to rebuild the plane first.
Turbulence and minor dips along the way are to be expected on a journey like
yours, but there’s no reason to lower the wheels just yet.

You don’t
need to tame your body. It’s not your enemy. Don’t be afraid of the
various smells and substances it produces; they’re just part of being human.
One of the shittiest things about being members of Western culture is that we
develop ideals about our bodies that are unrealistic, regarding how pleasantly
scented and perfectly shaped they ought to be. In actuality, while there’s
no dearth of people who want to sleep with models (thanks to very effective
cultural programming), there are also millions who are going to get off on your
bigger booty, smaller dick or stumpy ankles. Since you’re more liable to
meet and get along with one of these folks this week, own what you got. Be proud.

I didn’t
bother counseling you to construct elaborate vows for this year’s New Year’s
resolution because you simply haven’t needed anything as arbitrary as a
cliched holiday to make decisions for yourself and your life this past year.
You’ve been remarkably self-motivated, as well as self-scheduling. Maybe
I was wrong, because this past week you’ve slowed down, perhaps burdened
with too much holiday weight. I can’t help believing that you were the
only one in charge of all your butt-kicking this past year, so why start off
the new one with a less effective M.O.? Having said that, I will add: It may
be time to give yourself another motivating slap on the ass.

I’ve
had whole series of celebrity dreams lately, mostly focusing on C- or D-list
celebs whom I couldn’t give two shits about. Still, it reflects the widening
focus of my waking life: I’m trying consistently to consider things and
people outside my usual realm of experience and my modest social circle. Can
you please do that too, Gemini? I’m worried that you’ve become too
ensconced and involved in your own limited little world, too carried away by
the minor soap opera dramas of your office or household. The solution, of course,
is a trip–either mental or physical–to a distant, eminently different
location. Dream it or live it; it really doesn’t matter. Just get out of
the neighborhood for a while and meet some new people.

You’ve
been taking things one step too far lately. You managed to get over the hurdle
of figuring out what exactly it is that you want, no problem. But then instead
of simply asking for it clearly, you bite your tongue and start analyzing the
best way to ask for it, the one most likely to get results. Unfortunately, your
process, by its very nature, outwits and invalidates itself. In other words,
you’re overthinking things, and it shows. No one wants to be manipulated,
and when they can tell that’s what’s up, it inevitably backfires.
This week, be as direct and forthright as possible–I suspect you’ll
be pleased with your results.

Just as
a migratory bird returns to the same spots each year, its route based on memorized
landmarks it learned from its predecessors, you’ve been a creature of habit
on a grand scale. That is, you’ve revisited identical mental locations,
in the same order, for years now. The hapless fowl does it because it’s
a matter of life or death, but you do it, frankly, because you’re lazy
sometimes. This week, break free of instinct or habit and venture into some
totally new territory. Who knows? You could discover a feeding ground more bountiful
than the ones you know, or pioneer a mating dance that gets all the babes.

Do you want
to be really and truly happy? Like, ecstatic with heart-soaring delight? Tough
shit. As long as you want it, you can’t have it, at least not this week,
or even this season. Right now, if I were you, I’d settle for adjectives
like serene and content. The kind of bliss you’re craving has to sneak
up on you right now, and it’ll never catch you unless you just stop looking
for it. So settle down. Sometimes it’s appropriate to hunt down joy, but
not right now. Hey, don’t freak; this is really a good thing–all you
have to do to find your bliss is to slow down and chill out long enough for
it to catch up with you.

I don’t
remember getting this scar. It happened during a drunken episode; I woke up
the next morning with a scratch on my forearm and no recollection of how I acquired
it. Like me, you’ve been contemplating scar tissue you’re not sure
how you got; only yours is emotional rather than physical. My scar is so small
it doesn’t do anything to inhibit my movement or make me feel ugly, but
yours is taking up slightly more space. This is a good week for the kind of
spiritual plastic surgery that can erase some or all of the damage. Watch out
for your chance; it’ll come in the guise of a revered older person who’s
suffered something similar.

This week
you get to play one of your favorite roles: sommelier of vice. You may know
pot, sake or sex better than you know wine; regardless of your field of expertise,
someone is dying to consult you and learn from your experience. Teach them,
Obi-Wan. The best part about having an apprentice in your favorite realm of
iniquity is that you can have a lot of fun with your lessons–and there’s
the very good possibility that at some point very soon, the student will become
the teacher, and that’s always a good time.

Holy fuck,
you’re wound tight these days. Loosen some of the strings on your instrument;
they’ve all gone sharp. Take a break from those you’ve been playing
with and retreat somewhere quiet for a while so you can reflect and retune.
It doesn’t matter that the instrument you’re playing is your heart
and soul, not a violin or stand-up bass. It can warp and be ruined by abuse
just the same. Take your time. There’s plenty of beautiful music to be
made, but unless you deal with all this unresolved or unaddressed tension, it’s
going to sound like shit.

Okay, so
only a few of the kindnesses you’ve been offered lately were free and clear
of strings. So what? Sometimes accepting a favor incurs an obligation. Don’t
sorely resent the conditions applied to the beneficence bequeathed upon you.
It’s still generous and kind, even if ulterior motives lurk behind it.
Hardly anything’s unconditional. You know what’s wrong with you? You’ve
been spoiled by all the sweet munificence you were the recipient of last year,
all unsullied by anything so tedious or rude as an expectation. Now it’s
back to the way things are a lot of the time, and it’s not so bad: You
give a little, you get a little.

There’s
plenty of change jingling in your pocket, but your billfold is painfully slim
these days. That is, you’re heavily laden with tiny, almost meaningless
blessings, but the big ones are coming few and far between. It might be time
to tighten your belt and take pleasure in the little things for the next month
or so. But there’s no need to plunge into a Great Depression. You may not
currently be lucky enough to find a $1000 bill on the street, but I’m guessing
that if you add up all the small change you’ve accumulated, it might equal
at least a few hundred.

I hate to
say it, but your happiness may depend on how well you can kiss ass this week.
Consider your options: You can sacrifice a little pride, pursue the admittedly
political path and play nice–this route is short, sweet and straight up
to something you could call success. The other, perhaps more principled and
definitely more ego-driven course is long and arduous, and not nearly a sure
thing. I won’t choose for you. Each direction has positive and negative
facets. All I will say is: If you’re undecided about which of these options
is the better one for you, make up your mind now, because the fork in the road
is just ahead.

You think
it’s wise to wash your hands often and cover your mouth when you sneeze,
to help prevent spreading the flu. So why do you balk at taking similar precautions
when it comes to protecting yourself and others from bad ideas? You know what
I’m talking about. There are some concepts, attitude or spiritual philosophies
that are likely to make you unhappy, unproductive and miserable, rather than
benefit you in any way. They’re like little mental viruses; they sneak
in and sabotage your relationships, your work ethic or your faith. Sure, you’re
probably robust enough to get over them, but why catch them in the first place?

Big changes
are coming. In order to prepare for them, pretend you have a new roommate moving
in. Clear out some space in the kitchen cabinets, a shelf in the fridge and
a handful of hangers in the hall closet. Literally do this. The exercise of
making room, however slight, for another person, will have several benefits:
First of all, you can earn karmic credit by getting rid of some old crap and
donating it to Goodwill. Secondly, your whole life will wind up more organized
and streamlined. Last and most important, the process of making physical space
in your house will help you find an extra room, or at least a niche, in your
heart and soul for another person or two to move in, finally.

You’re
in for a hypersaturated week. This is what happens when you allow yourself to
wake up and stop worrying for a while. Everything gets really colorful and vivid
and intense, and you don’t even have to take drugs. Enjoy your Technicolor
life, and quit, once and for all, letting anxiety dominate every second of your
day. It’s still going to be part of you; but let this week be about staking
out some worry-free territory. I’m talking specifically about laying claim
to your happiness, and just enjoying it when it hits, rather than worrying about
when it will go away. There are many reasons why this is a good idea, but the
best one is simply this: You deserve to be unreservedly happy. Stop stopping
yourself.

Because
you’re contending with your most compulsive urges (hey, relax; in this
department half the zodiac is worse than you), I urge you to force yourself
to focus on things that are good for you, like salad, long walks, reading, or
gift-giving. Take them (instead of heroin abuse, binging on butter cookies or
one too many jack and cokes) to the extremes you’re prone to lately. While
too much of a good thing can be bad, too, it’s still rarely as awful as
too much of a bad thing. For example, compulsive generosity may make you broke,
but probably really, really happy, too.

Now that
you’ve unburdened your little rowboat of all its heaviest and most irksome
duties, you’re bobbing happily toward shore. I have a confession: You probably
weren’t as close to sinking as you probably felt. I just wanted you to
ditch some of the shit that’s dragging you down. Sorry, but I knew you’d
have a hard time being angry with me, considering how much better you feel now,
as a result. Now that you actually have a little room to take on new passengers
or cargo, may I suggest you avoid crap like the dross you dealt with last month,
and only take on people and things that will be unequivocally fun?

A little
goes a long way this week. Changing the knobs on an old dresser or adding a
stunning accessory to an otherwise mundane outfit can transform its whole look.
You’ve been bored for a while; with your appearance, your attitude, your
friends, your job or your house–whatever it is, fix it up this week. Since
the tiniest amount of time, effort or cash can wreak huge changes and massive
enhancements, there’s no good reason not to do it. So get off your lazy,
overstuffed ass. By the time you sit down, an hour or two later, you’ll
be tremendously glad you did.

More often
than not, relationships seem to be more about the other person than about you.
I’ll use an extreme example to explain what I mean: Leos, at least initially,
are much more likely to love how you make them feel about themselves than anything
in particular about you. People are excited about what you evoke in them, what
parts of themselves achieve expression around you, and basically who they are
when they’re with you. So don’t get all down on yourself if you get
rejected. They’re really just rejecting the self that came out to meet
you.

Imagine
if you still had to trek to an outhouse to shit, even in the dead of winter,
in a blizzard. That’s something like the task ahead of you; you may have
to brave extremely harsh conditions you couldn’t possibly be used to, in
order to accomplish a necessary task. That’s the crappy bad news, but hopefully
the good news will help balance it out: Once you’ve bundled yourself in
warm layers and hazarded the cruel extremes you’ve been dreading, you’ll
find that someone has replaced your homely and modest outhouse with a stunning
spa, featuring heated tiles, gold-plated commodes and bevies of beautiful butt-wipers.
In other words, prepare for the worst, but once you’ve endured the nastiest
of it, things will probably be a lot better than you expected.

Ask for
what you want this week. This is a habit you’ve been cultivating in general,
and hopefully you’ve found that if you clearly articulate your dearest
desires, you’re much more likely to get them. This week, particularly focus
on your most important unmet need–this isn’t necessarily the most
pressing one, just the one that matters the most in the long run. Then figure
out what would satisfy it, and just flat-out request it, in simply the most
lucid and honest words possible, even if it means taking out a personals ad,
making a phone call to a neglected rich uncle, or confronting your boss.

Reprogram
yourself. Don’t assume you’ve been immune to the kind of programming
imparted to you by your parents, peers and society. Don’t worry; this won’t
require that you listen to smarmy self-help tapes, subscribe to ridiculous cultish
philosophies or do anything else you’re naturally averse to. Simply acknowledge
the new habit you’d like to acquire or the old one you’d like to lose,
then diligently practice that wish, whether it’s eating less junk food,
going to the gym more often, or ditching your tobacco habit once and for all.
If you start it this week, you have a better chance of your new way of life
actually taking root and sticking with you than if you try it during any other
week all winter.

Be a glutton
for perspective. Seek out high places and other vantage points where you can
see for long distances, catch glimpses of big pictures and just generally view
your life through a wider lens than you have in half a year or more. Don’t
miss this window; if you achieve the whole-life panorama I’m wishing for
you, it’s yours to refer to for months to come. If you don’t take
the time to check it out now, you may not be able to find it again for the next
month and a half, and you’ll also be missing out on all the good shit you
could do with your expanded viewpoint during those six weeks.

Rams start
life with so much flash and pizzazz, it becomes your daily challenge to outdo
yourself–until at some point you cross a line of karmic progression toward
your astrological neighbors, the Taureans, where you understand the beauty of
the spotlight, of presentation, but it’s no longer the be-all, end-all
of your existence. From then on you devote your life to quality, not just glory.
Jump the gun and hop forward a few steps in your own evolution this week. You’ll
have several opportunities to choose momentary stardom over working for subtler,
long-lasting achievements this week. Please let them slide on by.

Style matters
to you Taureans. Sometimes, how you do something is almost as important as what
you do. If you can’t manage your goal with a little flair, you occasionally
question whether or not to do it at all. Unfortunately, your panache levels
are quite low this week, while your ability to get things done is at a three-month
high. Don’t waste it because your efforts may lack a little luster. They’re
still worthwhile, even if they don’t seem thrilling and glorious. Besides,
the people whose opinions you care the most about are more impressed by a solid,
consistent record of accomplishment than they are about a few singular moments
of brilliance.

You’re
in a game of dodgeball I wish you’d lose. You’ve been playing for
a couple years now, and you’ve gotten so wily and agile that I despair
that you’ll never encounter a player good enough to knock you on your ass
and give you what you so desperately need. On the one hand, when you finally
do get a stinging slap in the face from an over-inflated emotional kickball,
you’ll know you’ve finally met your match, for good or ill. On the
other, the person with whom you’re exchanging volleys now could one day
be your match (even if they’re not now), if you’d just ease up long
enough for them to catch up. This week, try that.

Fuck your
feelings. I mean, by now you’ve gotten pretty good at harnessing their
impressive force and letting them mostly function as strength, not handicap.
They no longer justify quite the intensive focus you’ve lately devoted
to them. So shift your attention away from the less-pressing needs of your soul,
so you can actually notice the lucrative opportunities brought within reach
by the Capricorn New Moon, out in the concrete world. You should have at least
five chances this week to tangibly improve your lot in life. Bonus points go
to any Cancer who catches and takes advantage of them all.

Leos are
spenders. Whether it’s cash, political capital or karmic currency, our
tribe tends to exploit it lavishly, living like royalty (and helping our friends
do the same; it’s no fun being decadent alone), until it’s all gone,
at which point we’re also quite good at hunkering down and living frugally
until the next windfall or paycheck comes our way. However, I ask that you curb
your natural (and in many ways admirable) instincts this week, because by saving
just a little bit of whatever comes your way, you’ll have much greater
opportunities to spend it on far better things in the weeks to come, both for
yourself and your chosen family.

Go sledding,
if possible, or skydiving, or snowboarding, or anything along those lines. Your
tendency to plan everything is great, and has earned you a rep as an eminently
capable person. But it’s good to remind yourself periodically of the joys
of tumbling wildly out of control, even if only for a few minutes. It’s
good to let that feeling sink into your body and influence the way you live
your life the rest of the time. So go do it; don’t just nod and say, "He’s
right, I ought to remember that." Let the experience sink into your bones
and then radiate outwards. You won’t lose your ability to plan efficiently
or get shit done. But you are likely to loosen your grip a little, be less anxious
and have way, way more fun.

There’s
a relationship in your life that’s a little bit like caramel: so sweet
it’s sticking to your teeth and giving you cavities. I’m not saying
it’s bad for you, per se, but there could be ways to eliminate some of
its unhealthier aspects without losing any of its deliciousness, sort of like
diligently brushing your teeth immediately after eating sticky candy, so it
wreaks as little havoc on your enamel as possible. Take those precautions this
week. It’s a win-win: You’ll see a much better way to get along, and
neither of you is likely to burn out or overdose for a long, long time.

There’s
a difference between knowledgeable wrongdoing and an unconscious mistake. Errors
in judgment far worse than anything you’re capable of are generally more
excusable because they’re done without the awareness of what’s so
bad about them. Unfortunately, you can pretend no such naivete. Keep everything
strictly on the up-and-up this week, lest you get called out for being less
scrupulous or honorable than you really are. That’s exactly the opposite
of the kind of attention you need. Instead, lead by example, and just show off
what you have in spades besides cleverness: integrity.

Don’t
talk shit. The temptation is powerful, given that you’ve just discovered
how often you’ll receive the benefit of the doubt, because of all the time
you’ve put in being reliable and trustworthy. Considering the great prizes
to be won through your bluffing and trash talk, I can see how it’d be hard
to resist. Please, Cap, for your own karmic sake, defy those temptations and
maintain instead your sterling rep. Hopefully, you simply won’t be as enticed
by that bad behavior when I tell you this: Once you’re caught in a lie
(something that almost inevitably will happen), most of the offers will be retracted,
and repayment of every single dollar will be required. Is that in any way worth
the loss of your dignity and integrity?

Your sarcasm
may get the better of you this week, if you’re not careful. You’re
likely to encounter a surfeit of overly earnest folks who are easily offended
by your occasionally biting wit, even if only the lightest, most playful nip
was intended. So what? You don’t need them. But you also don’t need
them to be offended, especially since your intention was to make them laugh.
So choke back your edgiest humor for a week, and spare some tender egos a little
bruising. Or don’t, and shrug when the thin-skinned ninnies run screaming.
It’s all the same to me.

Phew. The
aggressive and overcharged influence of Mars is finally about to leave your
sign. That planet has made you hurtle in lunatic directions, willy-nilly, just
to rid yourself of all that extra energy. And as you know all too well, that
random scampering and scuffling has gotten you into trouble more often than
not. So the astrological news is mixed: On the one hand, once you’re completely
rid of that hyper-aggro stimulus, you’ll probably have less energy; on
the other, you’ll possess more time and peace, things you need plenty of,
in order to climb out of the deep holes you dug and fell into over the past
couple months.

Those tender
Pisceans had trouble coping, at times, with the chaotic fire lit under their
asses by your fierce ruling planet, Mars. But once it slips into the realm of
your sign (next week) you won’t have any problem taming and integrating
the corresponding surplus of energy into your life. You’re on a good path
right now, so I have faith that even if you speed up, you won’t careen
wildly off-course, but will just make good time in the right direction. Just
to be safe, take this last week, before your gas tank gets filled to the brim
with high-octane fuel, to make sure your maps are in order and you’re sure
of the route to where you’re headed. Then relax and wait for the astrological
moment when you’ll gleefully, without any trepidation, declare, "Full
speed ahead!"

I spent
the week taking care of nagging little things I hadn’t done. These were
all easy tasks that had a disproportionate effect on my daily quality of life.
In other words, I should have assigned them a much higher priority, given how
simple they were and how much better they made things. I was so relieved and
surprised about the amazing effort-to-effect ratio that I thought I’d share
it with the sign most in need of that tiny kick in the ass. According to my
astrological calculations, that’s you, Taurus. Get out the list, and replace
the light bulbs, oil the hinges, and sew the missing buttons you’ve been
neglecting. You’ll be glad you did.

A Gemini
friend asked me how people would react if I made predictions like, "Don’t
go out today or a piano will fall on your head." I told him most of them
would scoff and do just as they pleased, and the few who couldn’t see through
the inanity of that kind of prophecy were probably better off staying in anyway.
None of those idiots would fall under your sign, thankfully. Geminis are by
their very nature too crafty to be beguiled by blanket statements and self-important
decrees. Wield your healthy skepticism wisely and often this week, Gem, because
it won’t steer you wrong.

Margaret
Lee Runbeck wrote: "Happiness is not a station you arrive at, but a manner
of traveling." Consider her well-chosen words often this week and during
the next few months, until they’ve completely eclipsed and replaced your
current bitter-making mantra: "I’ll be happy when…" Shit
goes down, manna falls from heaven, but unless you can navigate it all with
more or less the same disposition, you’re screwed and strapped into an
entirely unpleasant roller coaster I suspect you wanted off of 10 years ago.
Cut free of the bullshit that’s holding you in and get off the damn coaster.
Life’s exciting enough without it.

Staying
on top of the latest trend doesn’t interest you, generally. True, virtually
every Leo has a phase (sometimes as short as a week or two, sometimes as long
as a decade) where that’s important to them, but generally being au courant
isn’t that high on your priority list. However, being stylish is a desire
that never fades from the proud lion’s list of wishes. Thus you naturally
tend to gravitate towards looks and attitudes that are best categorized as classic,
timeless, and eternal. While none of them is really those things, it doesn’t
matter. For all intents and purposes, old-school cool suits and serves you better
than nouveau anything ever could, especially this week.

You could
use a good deep-tissue massage. If you can spare the dough, treat yourself to
just that, and if you’re too poor to splurge, at least call in one of the
many favors you’re perpetually owed and get one of your best-qualified
friends to give you the knead you need. I’m concerned because you’ve
let a few old attitudes and ideas stagnate and crystallize inside you, manifesting
as stiff and inflexible muscles (both mental and physical), slowing all forward
progress significantly. As you know, these things are intricately interwoven.
Thus, loosen the muscles, and you’re much more likely to shake free of
those limiting concepts as well.

What do
you want to do today? What about tomorrow, next week, and next year? If you’ve
got it all planned out, you’re fucked. It’s good to have goals and
general directions in which to head. But if you tailor your future and try to
control or conceive of every detail, you’re really just screwing yourself
over. Why? Because the best things that are going to happen to you in the next
year are those things you didn’t plan for–provided you allow
them enough room to enter your life. These are things you encountered along
the way to where you thought you wanted to go, but could never have expected.
Keep moving. But keep an eye on the scenery along the way.

You didn’t
even know they were doing construction on your soul’s main avenue. But
when they finally open up all the lanes this week, you’ll notice what you
didn’t before–that movement through there has been awfully sluggish
and congested. Happily, you’ve got all lanes in both directions fully functional,
at least this week, and although they may have to shut down parts of your spiritual
highway for maintenance in the weeks and months to come, it’s not soon
likely to be the jammed two-lane highway it has been for months just past.

At the moment,
you’re like Marmite, that obnoxious yeast by-product that most Brits treasure
and no one else can tolerate. You’re the delicious flavor cherished by
those for whom it’s familiar but sort of revolting for those who’ve
never tried it before. Don’t take offense. Those who love you are pleased
that no one else knows how amazing you are; that way they don’t have to
share you. And those that don’t yet know how magnificent you are may regard
you as something of an acquired taste they’d like to acquire. Besides,
what you’re about changes over time. You may be Marmite this week, but
chocolate next week–and hardly anybody doesn’t like chocolate.

This is
a week of white lies. You’ll find yourself pressured to tell them, often,
in order to shield those you love from truths they’re better off not knowing,
or at least not knowing from you. Hey, I’m not here to judge you; the vast
majority of the time you really do have others’ best interests at heart.
I’m just worried about the slim minority of the time, when the untruths
you speak are actually calculated to protect you, not anyone else. Call yourself
on these gray fibs, because when you get caught in them (as you almost surely
will), you won’t receive forgiveness (so easily attainable for those other
well-meaning falsehoods) so much as payback.

Scientists
believe they may have just discovered a variety of baleen whale they’d
never before knowingly encountered. To be several years into the 21st century
and still uncovering a species as big as a whale is a telling indication of
how little we yet know. Remember this: Anyone who’s got it all figured
out–and you’ll be encountering a lot of these assholes this week–doesn’t
know jack shit, and isn’t even smart enough to realize that. What you don’t
know yet is as big as the ocean, at least, and there are some pretty wondrous
and humongous things swimming around in there; I personally can’t wait
until you discover one or two of them, sometime in the next month or two.

Don Eastep
entered a Texas chili cook-off contest–with no chili. Instead of preparing
his own, he snuck spoonfuls from the 80 other contestants’ pots, and submitted
the resulting melange as his own unique recipe. He won. Although it pissed a
lot of people off in that case, it’s still a tactic I recommend for you
right now. Borrow essential and coveted qualities from all your nearest and
dearest, so you can meet the great demands of this week. Armed with your compadres’
best facets, you’ll be more than a match for whatever challenges you encounter;
you’ll win the prize, too.

You’re
cushiony. I’m not so much referring to your figure as your vibe. Lately,
many people have been using you (mostly with your consent, and even encouragement)
as a buffer between themselves and the world’s sharp or hard places. You’re
good like that, and you’re certainly strong enough to shield some of your
less resilient friends from those harsh realities, at least some of the time.
But don’t let them use up all of your bounce, or the next time you take
a mild fall (looks like January sometime), it’ll hurt way more than it
should.

I was watching
a comedic skit on an old Mr. Show in which everyone’s inner voices
were characterized by an old lady, a biker, a Japanese businessman and a gay
guy. This made me think of you, and how much you need to reject the paradigm
of twinhood, especially if you think of yourself as split between your best
and worst impulses. The truth is, of course, infinitely more complex, and to
know yourself that completely would take all the fun out of it. Still, it’s
time for you to adopt a new model, in which your various (often contradictory)
urges could have voices you listen to (or ignore) without being forced to fit
into boxes like Good or Bad.

You’ve
got too many keys on your ring. You’ve locked and unlocked so many hearts
that at this point, you’re practically a janitor of the soul. Although
it fills you with a certain satisfaction to walk around jangling that giant
loop of glittering keys, fondly recalling all the times you’ve used them,
and what you used them for, please notice that your behavior is preventing any
new keys from being added to the collection. It’s time to throw a few away
that you no longer need or no longer dare use, to make room for a tantalizing
handful more. If I haven’t been obvious enough: Stop clinging to the past
so you can finally unlock the future.

Despite
their reputation for often being actors, most Leos actually have a really hard
time pretending to be anything they’re not. You’re so busy being yourselves
(amazingly, I might add) that it’s difficult for you to disguise or suppress
that–and what’s the point? Well, there is a point to it this week,
believe it or not. By this time in your life you’ve realized that as magnificent
as you are, you’re hardly perfect. In order to invite a teaspoon more perfection
into your life, you need to make your bowl of ingredients look a little less
full than it already is. In other words, be humble, modest, and quiet this week.
Be a wallflower for once, sweetheart. Just watch what happens. Shhhh. Just watch.

I’ve
never seen you as close to snapping as you’ve come, on several occasions,
in the last month. I’m sorry, Virgo. I think everyone assumes that since
you’re always so pragmatic and together, that you’re somehow more
immune to those breakdown-inducing stresses we all suffer from occasionally.
We virtually expect Cancers to explode into nervous histrionics, but when a
Virgo coughs up more than a few tears, we’re too surprised to react appropriately.
Instead of leaping to your aid, we sputter and gasp in amazement, doing you
no good at all. So please forgive us, and when your rescuers swoop in, belatedly,
this week, graciously accept their support and succor–it’s better
late than never.

Plop a squat,
Libra. Pick up a magazine. Why, you ask? You tell me. From here it looks like
you’re hanging out in the waiting room of your life. I don’t know
who’s supposed to pop out of a little door and tell you it’s time
for your appointment, time to start actually living life. It’s a ridiculous
notion, but just in case that person is me, I’m covering my ass. I don’t
want to be the excuse you use to keep from fully engaging with the world. So
put down that Highlights magazine and swing open the door. It’s
time.

More than
any other, your species has been painstakingly dissected and analyzed. I’m
sure you poor Scorpios are sick of being studied so closely; these microscopic
inquiries into your character are as annoying as they are invasive. You’ve
done admirably well at preventing yourself from stinging those who seek to scrutinize
the inscrutable, but enough is enough. It won’t help your reputation, but
it will do wonders for your peace of mind: Make an example of the next three
people who try to "figure you out." I predict they’ll be the
last trio of uninvited explorers into the uncharted territory of your sacrosanct
soul for a long, long time.

What’s
this? Why, your normally reserved demeanor flies right out the window when a
certain person enters the room! You light up like a Christmas tree, darling,
all sparkly and warm–and it’s obvious to everyone who knows you except
this one sweet person (who must be amazing to elicit such an incredible burst
of radiance from your shyest depths). That person, delightfully, thinks you’re
always this lively and vivacious, so s/he has no idea what a difference s/he
makes. S/he deserves to know, already, as much as you deserve to get to shine
and embody your best brightest self all the time–something that just might
happen once you spill your secret.

Novel-writing
is a process. As I work on mine, I’m constantly astonished at the incredible
evolution certain characters have undergone from conception to present moment.
They might as well be totally different people, they’ve diverged so completely
from how I first imagined them. But I could never have envisioned them as they
are now, without first having conceived of them as all their previous incarnations.
The lesson in all this? You can’t rush the process. As much as you’d
like to simply leap to the finish line, and to who you’ll be then, that’s
impossible. You can’t get to point F without visiting points A through
E first; therefore, enjoy each stop for what it’s worth.

Much of
your bad luck is preventable. You may have been the victim of some of the shit
the world throws at people–but that’s at least partially because you’ve
been making yourself such a broad target, through a range of (or perhaps just
one particularly effective bit of self-destructive behavior. Don’t be a
martyr; it’s tiresome, and ultimately not all it’s cracked up to be.
Instead, take a step outside yourself. Get the help you need, and quit your
awful, insidious (and often deviously subtle) soul-killing habits. Do it now,
because each spin around any self-destructive spiral is worse than the one before.

I was too
rebellious to read books I was assigned in school; I hated that they interfered
with whatever reading I was doing on my own. Consequently, I never experienced
many amazing books until years later, when I was suddenly kicking myself for
not giving Toni Morrison or Charles Dickens a chance when some wise teacher
had instructed me to. I’m just thankful that I was smart enough to eventually
expose myself to their explosive brilliance; now I feel deliciously scorched
by it. This week, you, too, are due to finally reap the benefits of taking advice
you refused years ago. You may not wish, exactly, that you’d taken it to
heart then, but you’ll be awfully glad that you took it now.

You’re
an acquired taste these days. That’s not a bad thing; much of the best
food, music and people can be described that way. The bad news is that your
universal appeal has waned; you’re probably propositioned less than in
the old days. The good news more than makes up for it: The overtures you do
receive are consequently more thoughtful, serious and worthwhile. Entertain
them with an open mind and heart. Be proud, sweet Taurus. You’ve become
more yourself in less time than even I expected, and that’s never a bad
thing.

Amish teens
are encouraged to venture out into the world in order to understand what they’re
giving up (like drugs, dancing, television) before they make the conscious choice
to join the church and community for life. This period is called Rumspringa.
It’s an amazing tactic; as a consequence of being allowed this freedom
and choice, Amish children have an amazingly high return rate; more than 80
percent of them, after tasting the supposed luxuries of the world their community
shuns, still decide to return and commit themselves to the simpler life in which
they were raised. Before you give up anything this week, or in the weeks to
come, make sure you’ve had your own proper Rumspringa, and drunk deeply
at the well you’ll be abstaining from. Then make your choice (or not) with
a clear conscience, knowing it couldn’t be more conscious.

Eat plenty
of fruit. Here’s hoping the physical fiber you take in can help clear up
the numerous emotional blockages that are due to come your way this week. So
you don’t end up spiritually constipated, I suggest you consume plenty
of bran and comedy. Laughter is the bran of the soul; as cheesy as that is,
it’s also true. The more deeply and often you can guffaw, the less time
you’ll spend feeling numb, in shock, or paralyzed by emotional indecision.
Your theme this week is movement, whether it’s your bowels or emotions.
Do what it takes to ensure you’re regular.

Grin, you
silly beast. For the first time since the weather turned brisk, you can stop
being crestfallen and cautious, and be contented and courageous instead. While
the sun’s in the realm of your fiery Sagittarian cousins, you’re more
likely to receive the benefits of the doubt, the better halves of the bargain,
and numerous other advantages conferred on you by the kindhearted souls who
surround you. You’ve spent a month worrying your fool head off. Now that
things are bound to go a little more smoothly for you, stop that shit. Just
lay back and enjoy it, and remember: Smile.

Back when
modern science was in its infancy (it was called "natural philosophy"
in those days), they considered mercury, or quicksilver, the stuff from which
all matter was made. They also believed that when it hardened, it turned to
gold. This week your soul, ruled by the planet Mercury, has some of the qualities
once attributed to the substance of the same name. Your ability to profoundly
identify with virtually everything you encounter could confound you, if you
don’t expect it; or you could revel in it, if you have the presence of
mind to notice what a good feeling it is. Yes, everything has its roots in you–just
as your roots are nurtured or educated by everything. Once you really, really
realize that, you might as well possess your weight in gold; you’ll be
just that rich.

Stop feeling
so trapped. I’m not sure what it is (job? relationship? family?) that’s
stifling and oppressing you, but you’re getting a bit ridiculous now. You
have more luxury and opportunity than most people in most of the rest of the
world in most of the rest of history. When you look at it that way, the lock
to the prison holding you in is obvious: your unwillingness to sacrifice some
of that luxury, comfort or safety. Get over it. The price you have to pay is
more than worth what you’ll get back. Loosen your purse strings, already,
and open your arms wide to welcome the bounty you’ll receive in return.

You’ve
been playing Mother May I with some mysterious authority that you can’t
even see, and consequently only taking mincing little baby steps toward your
goal. I don’t know what gods or karmic forces you fear angering, and I
certainly don’t want to jinx anything for you, but this week you can take
at least one giant step forward without getting sent back to the start line.
Go ahead, enjoy that humongous leap; you’ve been such a good player so
far that this one bold move will be overlooked or forgiven. Besides, you should
know by now–it’s almost always easier to ask forgiveness than permission.

Strip. It’s
probably too cold to be dancing outside in your skivvies, but you should be
as naked as possible, as often as healthily possible, in as many ways as possible.
In other words, eliminate as many barriers–both physical and emotional–between
you and the world as you can. There are times to be cautious and guarded; this
isn’t one of them. Everything that hits you this week (whether seemingly
good or bad) is like sunshine and rain to a newly sprouted plant. It’s
exactly what you need to grow and blossom. If you shield yourself from it, you’ll
only stunt your own long-term potential. Instead, embrace it and bloom.

Be careful
not to trip this week, because at least half a dozen conniving conspirators
are waiting in the wings to kick you while you’re down. If you manage not
to fall, you’ll never see them; they’re like cowardly hyenas who’d
never dare to face you at your full strength. Therefore, watch your step, puff
out your chest, and roar a lot. If you manage to get through the next ten days
without fucking up or being hamstrung, you’ll be home-free. The craven
scavengers hoping to benefit from your failure will scatter and disappear, in
search of easier prey.

The bed
you’ve made in which you now must lie–is a curious mixture of comfy
and scratchy. This is what you get for hedging your bets. Still, I’m glad
you did. Sometimes it’s best to put all your eggs in one basket and just
hope it works out, but you were smart enough to realize that, given your odds,
you’d be better off not pinning all your hopes on just one thing. So what’s
happened is like a storm cloud with both a dark, thunder-filled belly, and a
brilliantly golden bright side. Brave the weather as you must, but don’t
focus on it. Instead, concentrate on unfolding the silver lining of your situation,
until it covers everything. I think you’ll find it stretches much further
than you expected.

Watch out
for the tar pits of your soul. I’m referring to those chasms of seething
anger and resentment exposed by the erosive nature of recent events. They’re
dangerous. There’s nothing you can do about their existence, but I suggest
you skirt them carefully. Given your current mental state, you might recklessly
want to toss a shitload of deadweight–both human and emotional–down
into those black depths, but refrain. You don’t want anyone or anything
precious to fall into them–regardless of how you feel about that person
or thing right this second–because once they tumble into that mess, you’ll
never be able to pull them out.

Pretty fucked-up
surprises abound this week. You might discover that the girl you’ve been
kissing is your long-lost sister, or your worst enemy is your dad in disguise.
Very Luke Skywalker, I know, and the exact scenarios you experience probably
won’t hit extremes like these. However, examine your most intense relationships
this week. I predict that unforeseen (and probably unforeseeable) connections
between you and those you love (or hate) could change everything about your
interactions for a long time to come. Whether that’s good or bad depends
on how rigidly attached you are to the old way you two got along (or didn’t),
and how creative you can be when inventing a new framework for your relationship.

This is
a balls-out party week for you, Taurus, especially the weekend. You’re
not going to get jack done if you try to buckle down and be efficient or productive.
What with your ruling planet Venus reveling in the reckless domain of those
wandering, lusty Sagittarians, and the full moon showing her round white ass
in your sign on the 8th, being on top of work duties is simply not your forte
this week. Get the absolute essentials out of the way as quickly as you can,
so you can concentrate on things at which you’ll excel: getting yourself
laid, drunk and a cameo on the next installment of Girls Gone Wild.

Don’t
overreact. A burst of exceptionally cold emotional weather could have you scrambling
into your fur parka and burning your furniture for heat. Your reflexes are on
a hair-trigger this week. However, if you rush to extremes of self-protection,
you won’t have anywhere left to go when, say, winter really hits.
This cold snap is just a harbinger of things to come. I’ve no doubt you
can handle it, as long as you don’t start sweating beneath too many layers
now. Just chill out and check yourself before you freak out. There’s no
need to risk frostbite, but don’t overcompensate, either. Your mantra:
This is gonna be just fine.

You’re
not under siege, although we might think so, considering how much time you’ve
spent constructing elaborate defenses of your emotional dwelling. In fact, you’ve
been so busy crafting massive stone walls and deep, monster-populated moats
to protect you from purely theoretical attacks (that haven’t yet manifested,
and may never), that you’ve neglected to maintain the things that’ll
shield you from the ambient stresses of life that we all have to deal with,
which aren’t even specifically aimed at you. It’s the equivalent of
freezing rain spilling through a leaky roof and icy drafts creeping in around
rattling windows. Chill out on your preparations for an ambush or invasion,
and just concentrate on making your inner world someplace worth living.

You’re
much better live than you are in a photograph or recording. There’s something
about the way you engage people and enfold them in the warmth and generosity
of your spirit that inevitably colors how you’re perceived by them, forever.
Without the benefit of that special, engaging glow, people might not find you
as impressive or beautiful in two dimensions as they do in three. Therefore,
insist that anything important you do this week happens in person, instead of
online or over the phone. A smile, handshake or significant look from you, in
real time, could make the deal that’d never happen without it.

For all
your nervous energy, you also possess an impressive reservoir of patience. Unfortunately,
it’s drought season, and you won’t have your usually limitless quantities
of tolerance and serene endurance to draw upon. So don’t be too hard on
yourself if you become snappish or testy under duress that wouldn’t normally
make you break a sweat. You’ve got so much karmic cash stashed in your
account that you ought to be forgiven twice over for each and every cantankerous
comment you make this week. And you know what? Anyone who doesn’t give
you the benefit of the doubt isn’t worthy of you anyway, so fuck ’em.

Smartass.
That’s a title you’re coming to deserve more and more lately, as you
react to most of your life’s stresses with sarcastic good humor. It’s
refreshing, because, to be honest, your unrelenting earnestness–as well-intentioned
as it was–had begun to drive some of your friends a little insane. We’d
all rather take a clever jab in the ribs for our foibles or faux pas than an
overly sincere scolding. Embrace the perversity and darkness of your unfolding
sense of humor. It’s a good thing. However, be aware of one thing–once
everyone’s got an inkling of how well you can dish it out, we’ll be
expecting you to take it, too.

You rarely
get second chances. Life is not a video game. When playing Grand Theft Auto:Vice
City you can restart the unit as many times as it takes until you beat the
game. Out here in the real world, you’ve almost always got one shot, not
as many as you may need. Unfortunately, there are parts of your life that you’ve
unknowingly subjected to a video game mentality: "Next time around I’m
going to try it differently." Wake up. Do it differently now. Make yourself
happy now. Make your life work for you now. If you’re not doing what you
really want to do right this second, when will you be?

You are
an entire universe unto yourself. Trillions of creatures rely on you for life.
Most of those beings are microscopic bacteria populating parts of your body,
either symbiotically or parasitically, but there are also at least one or two
slightly larger beings whose emotional galaxies are inextricably intertwined
with yours. Each twist of your internal helix of philosophical constellations
throws their orbits out of whack. Be aware of that this week. There’s nothing
inherently wrong or right about the situation, but since the sharp-edged vortices
of your darkest thoughts can open gaping black holes in somebody else’s
soul, you might want to make sure you spawn a few brilliant suns for them, too.

Make sure
you bundle up. Chilly winter weather doesn’t have to be heinous torture;
the difference between misery and contentment is proper insulation. But although
the climate’s likely to be pretty brisk this week, that’s not exactly
what I’m talking about. Instead you should be donning layers of padding
between you and the frosty emotional temperatures gusting across your landscape.
They could be bracing, even invigorating, or they could be horrible and damaging,
depending on how geared up you are. If you’re not prepared to wear the
mental equivalent of seven layers of cotton, wool, and Gore-Tex, you ought to
jump on a plane headed for the equator, fast.

Severe stress
makes you want to roll into a ball and hide. Who can blame you? Heed your instincts
when they demand you curl up self-protectively. However, instead of cowering,
roll intrepidly into the difficult situations you’re dreading. After all,
the quandaries you’re shrinking from won’t dissolve on their own.
Be a ball. Spheres are resilient, and when you’re in this cautious emotional
stance, threats and weapons headed your way will almost certainly be deflected.
Roll with anything else that comes your way, make forward progress whenever
you can and the depressing impediments to your happiness will be behind you
at least ten times sooner than they would’ve been, otherwise.

Try the
old-fashioned way first. Whatever you’re attempting is more likely to get
done, on time, if you do it the tried-and-true way you used to do it, instead
of the supposedly more efficient modern methods you’re thinking about using.
In this case, ignore the voices of "progress" or "reason"
hawking faster, better or easier ways. Their schemes may be superior usually,
but they won’t be this time. Do it the way you know. Whether the task is
writing a book, getting a second date, or screwing someone over, you’re
better off with a fountain pen, floral bouquet or voodoo doll than a computer,
tattoo or lawsuit.

My dog adores
cats. He’s had this kinky cross-species romance thing going for as long
as I’ve known him. He’ll stand at the window making eyes at the neighbor’s
cat across the way for as long as she sits on the sill staring back at him.
You should identify with his star-crossed love this week. Like him, you worship
something or someone you shouldn’t, and in most cases, the feelings are
somewhat less than mutual. You should resist your massive propensity to take
it personally. It’s really not about you; it’s simply because you’re
the wrong color, gender, weight, or species. Get over it, or not–either
way, stop feeling bad about it, please.

You’re
Snow White in the forest. Hold out a finger and a chirping bird will swoop down
to land on it. Starving deer will emerge from their wooded hideouts to nibble
from your hand. Unfortunately being a multifaceted Gemini is a double-(or quadruple-)
edged sword. You’re just as likely to fry up the songbird for dinner or
skin the doe as simply enjoy their company. Similarly, the prince(ss) that comes
out of the woodwork in answer to your innocent song of longing may glimpse your
equally powerful dark side and run screaming. Don’t try to hide your most
shadowy urges. Instead, make it your goal to find the royal consort who’d
run screaming if you didn’t have that dark side.

I had a
dream in which you’d transformed into a polar bear who hunted seals with
gleeful and effective violence. I took it to mean that you’ve recently
grown enough snowy white emotional insulation that you can now brave icy and
dangerous situations with impunity. Not only that, but you’ve grown to
such massive size and ferocity that you’re now the biggest, baddest thing
inhabiting the frigid waters you’ve been swimming in for a couple months
now. You have nothing to fear for the moment–except bigger polar bears.
Luckily, you can see them from a long way off. So relax, finally–just don’t
get cocky or careless.

Imagine
the thrill of finding something as valuable and sentimentally rich as a cache
of treasure you hid a decade ago. There’s a small likelihood this week
that you might uncover a repository of cash and goodies you’d concealed
and completely forgotten about. Even more likely, however, is the possibility
of digging up heretofore unrecalled wisdom you possessed and discarded ages
ago. We’re constantly recycling ourselves, becoming new people. One person’s
trash is another’s treasure. You’re a different person than you were.
Isn’t it possible that the junk of your past could be the rich bounty of
your present?

Don’t
throw yourself out with the garbage. There’s every likelihood, as you continue
the endless cycle of purging your life of all the useless detritus it’s
accumulated, that you’ll accidentally mix your keys, wallet, or cellphone
with the trash. Be careful of that this week, and also of disposing of some
of your useful personal qualities, which could get dumped along with the selfishness,
pettiness or self-destructive levels of efficiency you’re trying to get
rid of. Instead of being forced to chase the garbage truck down your street,
demanding to rummage through the rubbish in search of your credit cards or your
self-respect, simply be careful not to throw them out in the first place.

You’re
a pancake on a griddle, sizzling in hot oil. It’s a little tortuous and
smoky right now, but pretty soon you’ll be lathered with the sweet balm
of syrup and lovingly devoured, because you’ve become so delicious. Your
trial by fire is necessary, and in fact desirable, since at the end of it you’ll
be more popular and put-together than you have been for years. Just make sure
that the person who’ll get the first taste of the new you is worthy of
it, and will add the right flavors to it. None of this margarine and fake syrup
bullshit; you deserve real butter and maple goodness, all the way.

There are
times when you long to lose yourself in the anonymity of a crowd, to recreate
yourself a dozen times a day with hundreds of different strangers. And there
are times when you crave the comfortable familiarity of old friends, where nothing
needs to be explained; speaking at all isn’t entirely necessary. This week,
you may have trouble deciding which–if either–of those you want. However,
keep in mind the tired saw: If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Before
you attempt to shock your trusted companions to the core, or chum up to new
acquaintances as if you’ve known them half your life, consider a third
option: keeping to yourself for a while. If you don’t, you may open doors
you’ll wish you’d kept closed.

Your week
may be uncannily sci-fi, a la Matrix or eXistenZ. Which level
of reality you’re currently operating on will be less clear than it has
in a long time, as you experience lucid dreams and a surreal waking life. Meanwhile,
you’ll also have trouble trying to decipher double-entendres in conversations,
or reveal subtext in the actions of those you’re interested in. At some
point, you’ll have to throw up your hands and give up on trying to pare
back the layers and just go with what is, without a lot of complicated and confusing
interpretation. You’re not being shallow by only paying attention to the
surface of things–you’re avoiding the fatal over-thinking that’s
your only other option.

This week
presents you with a ray of real hope. You’ve persisted under chronically
overcast skies for weeks now, never sure if your main endeavor has any chance
at all–no matter how remote–of actually succeeding. Well, it does,
and on the 22nd and 23rd you should get at least a couple of very real clues
about your odds. Don’t get too excited. It’s not a lock. You don’t
have this one in the bag. But so what? You have a chance, a real one–and
that’s more than you had last week. Now all that’s left is for you
to go for it.

You had
to leave your boots, pants and lucky underwear behind, sucked down by the mucky
mire of your last four weeks, but you’ve finally slogged out of that swampy
landscape onto slightly firmer ground–albeit more than half-naked and still
surrounded by the dangerous fens you blithely walked into during the summer.
Although you entered the quagmire obliviously, without even noticing, it’s
going to take all your mental acuity, concentration and determination to navigate
your way out without getting chomped by an alligator, bitten by a snake or consumed
by quickmud. Don’t relax, Pisces. You’re only out of danger when your
eyes are open and you’re paying attention to every step you take.

This is
the last good week this year for a long-neglected thorough cleaning of your
house and life. I know most people do this kind of thing in the spring, but
you’re too busy during that season. When t-shirt weather hits, you want
to run around and enjoy it, not stay inside deciding which clothes you’ll
donate to goodwill. But meanwhile, a ton of useless detritus piles up, both
inside your closet and your soul. You’ve got to get rid of it sometime.
It’s a tedious task whenever you tackle it, but it’s likely to be
slightly easier and less annoying this week, so why not get it out of the way?

I wish I
knew the secret of your seduction, Taurus. I’ve only ever managed to romantically
interest those of your tribe purely by accident. I still don’t know what
I did right. Like me, many people are wondering what the trick is. Oh, you had
no idea you had all these admirers? Perhaps you shouldn’t be guarding your
personal information quite so zealously. It’s costing you romance, fun,
and even friendship that I think you’d be mostly better off with than without.
Clue me in and I’ll pass the information along to those who need it, before
they completely lose interest, or hope.

Cloned animals
are usually flawed, and if they manage to get born at all, their lifespans are
short. Your copied attitudes and philosophies are similarly weak and ephemeral
right now. Don’t simply take someone’s word for something and adopt
it as your new belief. In general, it’s good to learn from others’
mistakes, so you don’t have to make them yourself. Nevertheless, this week
having your own experiences and making your own judgments (and, yes, faux pas)
is far more important. In other words, come to your ideas and attitudes completely
authentically and single-handedly, or just don’t go there at all, lest
the bubble of your convictions bursts as easily as the heart of a cloned pig.

Women with
female support during the birth process require less pain relief and are less
likely to have forceps deliveries or cesareans than those who lack the encouragement
and assistance of other women. This makes perfect sense to me. What’s some
guy going to be able to say or do more credibly or supportively than a mother
who’s been through it? You may not be experiencing childbirth this week,
but you’ll similarly survive and even flourish under your current stresses
if you share them with someone who’s been through something similar. Find
a kindred spirit. Even though you may initially bond on the basis of your pain
or confusion, you’ll probably discover that your commonalities extend to
places far beyond that, like hilarious fun, comforting affection or lusty sex.

Recent studies
have found that housecats can infect their human owners with a parasite that
changes their personalities. Toxoplasma gondii tends to make women more
vivacious (and promiscuous), while men infected with it generally become anti-social,
scruffy and aggressive. While your infectiousness is less literal, your ability
to bring out the sex kitten or alley cat in those you know has reached impressive
heights this week. Be careful which internal Pandora’s boxes you open in
your friends, because you don’t want next week’s horrified mantra
to be: "I’ve created a monster."

The bad
news is, you’re not going to be much more productive, effective or efficient
this week than you have been the last couple. I know that frustrates you. But
at least you’ll be able to relieve another kind of frustration, which brings
me to the good news: Your bed is suddenly a hotbed of pleasurable activity.
Although the results you achieve there may not be quantifiably measurable, spending
hours in the sack is most assuredly not a waste of time. Lay down, as
soon as humanly possible, by yourself, or with a friend or two. Almost anything
you can accomplish between the sheets–be it sleeping, dreaming, pillow
talk or fucking–will rock, even if the rest of your life is a little lame.

You’re
luminous, just in a slightly fucked-up way. That is, the parts of you that are
glowing and attracting attention aren’t necessarily the ones you were hoping
to light up and shine. It’s frustrating, isn’t it, to be waving your
arms and begging people to notice your new hair color, attitude or underwear,
and all they focus on is your scuffed shoes, dog or new laugh line or crow’s-foot.
Unfortunately, there’s not much you can do this week about what people
notice and what they don’t. So what are you going to do with your Day-Glo
ass? Work it. Be a goddamn firefly.

Your greatest
challenge these days is overcoming habits of distrust, fueled by false assertions
like: "If I trust no one, I can’t be betrayed." Don’t let
the times you’ve been fucked over in the past unduly influence your present.
A little caution is prudent; you don’t need to plunge heedlessly into situations
that are way over your head, like you did when you were 19. But you really ought
to do more than just dip your toes in. After all, you’re a better emotional
swimmer now than you were then. Forget diving headlong without checking the
depth. But get in the water, already.

Downplay
your coolness. No one wants to be just another horse in your vast stable of
conquered studs and/or fillies. You’ve seen and done so much (and so many
people) that it’s hard for the new objects of your affection to feel worthy
or at all comparable. Therefore, without lying (I know how you despise dishonesty),
downplay your past adventures. There’s no need to parade all your crazy
famous friends, world travels or transcendental experiences on your third date.
The person you’re wooing is already impressed with you; go much further
right now and you’ll just scare them off.

How has
your rigidity limited you, this past year? I can count at least 11 examples
of situations in which things weren’t "exactly right," so you
simply ignored them. How many great people have you denied yourself a connection
with because of one disagreeable feature? How many opportunities have you missed?
I’m not saying you should reject your instincts. Just loosen up a little.
The next four and a half months are rife with amazing opportunities and incredible
people. However, none of them are going to precisely match your preconceived
notions of how they should be. If you can’t transcend those limited conceptions,
you’ll just plain miss out.

You’re
going to get caught Xeroxing your ass in the copy room this week, or your boyfriend
or girlfriend will spot you cruising online for the threesome you haven’t
told them about yet. As embarrassing and potentially repercussive as these situations
might be, they’re almost as likely to be sexually and comedically fruitful,
rather than damaging. It really could go either way, depending on how you play
it. Wield humor, charm and your sense of lighthearted mischief to make things
go your way. Denial, remorse, deceit or guilt is what will get you in trouble,
so consider "No Shame" your mantra this week.

Your identity
is smack in between who you believe yourself to be, who you’re aiming to
become, and what you do every day. I’m trying to convey a lesson in action
and intention. In essence, you are what you do, and the longer you do it, the
more you are it. Get it? So you can call yourself an artist, intend to
be an artist, but if what you actually do is sell drugs, your ass, or your soul
to make ends meet, you’re at least partially that other thing, and the
longer you continue in that supposedly provisional situation, the more it fits
you. You don’t want to be a whore, drug dealer or temp slave forever, so
make sure your temporary measures are truly that–temporary. Starting today,
do something, every day, that fits who you really want to be, and not
just who you currently have to be.

Your cellphone
and laptop batteries have lost their charge. They won’t work for long before
they need to be plugged back into the wall. You’re the same way; your ability
to sustain a high output of energy is temporarily limited. That’s okay.
As long as you’re aware of it, it won’t be too hard to simply make
sure you give yourself frequent rest breaks and down time to recharge. This
phase won’t even last long enough for anyone else to notice. What they
will notice, however, is if you don’t take time to revitalize
yourself, and you fall flat on your face as a result. You’ll have a harder
time living that down than making people overlook the fact that you took an
extra coffee break every day this week.

All your
old hiding places are in imminent danger of discovery. It’s time to remove
your lockbox, diary or family jewels from their usual secret nooks and conceal
them someplace new. You can thank me later for this timely warning, because
now when your indictors whip open your closet doors hoping to triumphantly expose
any lurking skeletons, they’ll find nothing but clean clothes and shoes.
They’ll look like idiots, and you’ll be able to send those self-righteous
assholes packing–and rest assured that they’ll never do anything that
fucked-up or hypocritical again, at least not to you.

You’re
like a malignant, old-school jack-in-the-box, quietly lulling those around you,
singing an innocuous tune, then springing at them with knives in hand, an evil
grin emblazoned across your face. The first couple times, this is a thrilling
surprise for people just getting to know you, who graciously label you "excitingly
unpredictable." Then it gets tired, and you earn the label "tragically
unreliable," or just plain obnoxious. Therefore, be careful whom you jump
out at this week. Your mischievous ambush could win you a kiss, free trip or
lifetime supply of free lovin’, or it could cost you your job, your relationship,
or lifetime supply of free lovin’.

You’re
Frogger this week. Your life is like that ancient video game. You’ll be
dodging trucks and crocs and watching your footing for weeks to come, lest your
ego or spirit get squashed beneath somebody’s emotional 18-wheeler. Don’t
get freaked, though. You may feel all squishy and exposed for the moment, but
at least you’re fast and wily, and come the Scorpio New Moon, you’ll
develop a new sort of armor by mutating from cute, ordinary frog to hallucinogenic
toad, with the power to make people trip their asses off, or lay them out for
weeks.

You occasionally
have trouble turning off the roar to expose the purr. It’s difficult to
dial down the confidence level to reveal the tenderness and vulnerability that
usually lurks beneath–however, that’s just what’s necessary this
week. If you don’t, the people who are hoping for and craving the kind
of cozy compassion you can exhibit will be scared off by your brassy nerve,
and decide you’re all spark and no heat. Show those who desire it that
there’s a place for them curled close to your heart, so they aren’t
frightened by the long claws and giant ego between it and them.

You’re
not a puppet in someone else’s play; you’re a free-willed piece in
someone else’s puzzle. Your current quandary: Whenever you figure out where
you fit into the big picture, and start to slide into place, you realize all
the other pieces have shifted around you, so you have to either jam yourself
in despite a suddenly imperfect fit, or begin reevaluating where you best belong
now. Have faith. The higher forces fucking things up for you have your best
interests in mind. They’re not letting you find an adequate niche right
now because they don’t want you to get stuck inside a merely adequate situation
when the perfect one awaits, a little further down the line.

There’s
heavy traffic ahead. You’re going to be stuck in a bumper-to-bumper jam
for the foreseeable future. There’s no avoiding it; the standstill blocks
the only available route to your destination. Sucks, don’t it? But it could
be worse; at least you have this warning, so you can stock up on good music,
refreshments, and best of all, a companion to keep you entertained while you’re
trapped in the stop-and-go. You also have this scant consolation: Once you’ve
cleared the gridlock, you’ll have nothing but open highway for at least
three weeks, and best of all–no speed limit.

The conflicts
are piling up. These disturbing discrepancies aren’t caused by differences
of opinion, politics or real-life questions like, "Who’s gonna get
the girl?" They’re caused by timing. You’re trapped in your own
version of a badly dubbed kung fu movie, where sound and picture just don’t
line up. Working your ass off to make things work and interpret bad translations
has helped you squeak by so far without any major mishaps or faux pas. However,
the backlog of missed opportunities and slightly botched paperwork has become
too cumbersome and messy. Put a few things on hold so you can address the deeper
problem you’ve been putting off. If you don’t, you’re likely
to suffer a regrettable (especially because it’s preventable) blunder this
week that’ll have you kicking yourself for months.

In some
ways, you’re as accommodating, tactful and peace-loving as a Libra; more
than anyone, you loathe getting bogged down in petty disagreements. That’s
why it’s key this week that you be at your most diplomatic, obliging and
sweet, or risk being mired in niggling debates and needless drama over trivial
disputes. These things don’t matter, but for some reason you’re the
only one who thinks so. Eventually, these idiots will come to their senses and
quit bugging you about this shit. They may even apologize for doing so. But
for now, take the path of least resistance, even if it’s not your ideal
route–it’s still better than the emotional traffic you’d find
everywhere else.

Love is
tricky and strange–but how would you know? Okay, maybe your love life ain’t
perfect, but surely you’ve noticed by now that you’re slightly luckier
in love than those around you, if you look at the big picture? Be a yenta this
week. Whether or not you’re currently romantically entangled, you’ve
had an easier time acquiring those entanglements than most of the people you
know–many of whom want them much more than you do. Help them out. Give
your romantically challenged friends a leg up, with advice, matchmaking, or
just good old-fashioned pimping. Do it to repay the universe for the blessings
you’ve received. You owe it one.

It’s
a confusing time for Pisceans, one that’s changing from moment to moment.
First you think you’ve got things figured out better than you have in years,
and minutes later you decide you’re more lost than you’ve ever been.
I don’t envy you, but at times like these you need to dig deep and step
up. You can’t be lazy or take the easy way out, and sometimes that means
you need the help of your friends. So take their advice when they give it to
you. They have pure motives and an ideal perspective. Trust that they know what
they’re talking about, would you? They do.

It’s
Full Moon time again, only this year you know exactly what to do with that surge
of confusing and hard-to-control energy. You’re Dr. Frankenstein in his
lab, about to channel a tremendous bolt of lightning for your own slightly nefarious
purposes. Fortunately, the powerful and impressive creature you’re about
to waken will be less confused than his sad monster was. Once it’s conscious
and walking around, you’ll be virtually unstoppable. Just make sure you
use your newly awakened might to help others, as well as yourself, or the villagers
may come after you and your creation with torches and pitchforks.

Einstein
once said, "You do not really understand something unless you can explain
it to your grandmother." That’s the kind of in-depth knowledge you’ll
need to cultivate if you hope to make it through the week unscathed. You can’t
be satisfied with simply scratching the surface; you’ve got to plumb deeply
enough to know how things work from the inside out. This applies to everything
in your life that you’re the least bit interested in, from the mechanics
of your car engine to the inner workings of your lover’s soul. If you have
any doubt about the thoroughness of your comprehension, ask yourself if you
could make Grandma get it.

The mirror
you’re looking at is more valuable than you think. Unlike conventional
mirrors, this one shows you your own best potential. Believe in it. It tells
no lies–only you could make it a liar, if you choose, by deliberately thwarting
its beautiful vision. That’s what I’m worried about; there’s
a tiny part of you that is just perverse enough to fuck things up just to see
what’d happen. Don’t do that, Gemini. You’re fortunate enough
to find someone who has faith in your greatness, latent or actual. Don’t
break that mirror. It’s bad luck.

Forget the
bullshit about idle hands being the devil’s workshop. I’m more worried
about your idle mind, because within it lie the seeds of your own downfall.
Left with too much time and energy to spare, your brain is all too capable of
creating new and unpredictable forms of self-sabotage. In other words, keep
busy this week, and everything will be just fine. Don’t give yourself time
to stew and ponder and wonder. Those fruitless activities will just make you
miserable, both internally, and externally, and ultimately fuck things up, big
time.

Leos aren’t
renowned for their subtlety. You can be tactful and manipulative, but delicacy
ain’t your forte. You generally prefer forthright honesty. Lately, this
has felt like a great weakness, because people seem to want you to play games
you’re either incapable of or just no good at. Luckily, there are a few
who appreciate the unadorned truth. See, everyone lies, or hides parts of the
truth or simply withholds the truth of what they feel because it’d make
them too vulnerable to admit it. That’s what makes what you’re capable
of all the more valuable. If you can be nakedly honest this week, you’ll
be immortal, or at least as close as any of us can get–certainly no one
you tell the truth to will ever be able to forget you.

During your
solo game of emotional musical chairs, timing is paramount. You never know when
the music will stop, and what mood you’ll end up in. What might annoy you
in one moment could tickle your funny bone in the next, or make you cry, or
bore you. This is a good thing. Your role right now is to shake things up (especially
yourself) and be a catalyst for change. You can’t do that if everyone’s
got you all figured out, and can predict your next 10 moves. Luckily, since
even you don’t know how you’ll feel or what you’ll do in five
minutes, guessing where you’ll be 11 days from now is impossible. And believe
it or not, that limbo full of beautifully chaotic randomness, impulsiveness
and limitless possibility is exactly where you need to be.

Few people
come off as instant marriage material. The secret to your popularity, such as
it is: You tend to wield just the right amounts of in-the-sack nastiness, and
take-home-to-Mom sweetness. It’s a rare combination, and it’s largely
responsible for the disproportionate number of head-over-heels admirers you
usually garner, compared to other signs. Unfortunately, your balance is out
of whack right now. You’ve shifted, temporarily, so far in one direction
that you’re attracting all the wrong types: prudish pedants who wish they’d
saved themselves for marriage (obviously so inappropriate for you) or
malign sluts who can’t be bothered to remember your name (not quite as
inapt, but still unsuitable, considering your current standards and circumstances).
In general, fervently avoid new entanglements this week, and by all means, if
anyone proposes marriage or even a no-strings lay, run away.

Get down
on the floor and play with the kids. It’s what you need, to sprawl surrounded
by toys and the joyful egotism of a child, and just have fun. Forget the misery
of your responsibilities for at least thirty minutes a day all week. If you
don’t have a kid on hand to play with, pretend. Buy some Legos and build
stuff or indulge in some good old-fashioned crayon art. Your inner child is
lost in the big bad woods surrounded by the big bad wolves of your adult world.
Find and befriend him or her once again, before s/he gets eaten alive.

All your
mineshafts are depleted. Accept it. You’ve been sending psychic miners
down these familiar holes, day after day, and they’re returning empty-handed,
or with dead canaries. Face it; you’ve unearthed every last diamond, vein
of gold or even chunk of coal from these exhausted dig sites. It’s time
to seal them up well so you don’t lose any kids or puppies down their dark
depths, and start exploring new ground. You may have to purchase some mental
territory traditionally occupied by your neighbors, but it’s in your nature
to annex new land. No need to be ashamed of it, especially considering the good
uses you’ll be putting your new-found wealth to, once you figure out where
to dig it up from.

You’re
a dwarf with a battle-axe, at once comical and very, very scary. The problem–you’re
not used to being laughed at unless you’re the one making the joke. Still,
it’s all in good fun, and there’s no question about your effectiveness;
your weapon, as usual, is razor sharp. Be big about the dichotomy you’re
sporting right now. Recognize that beneath the chuckles–which you should,
by all means, participate in, if possible–people are taking you very seriously.
Then do what you gotta do, laughing all the way.

What you’re
trying to do is akin to tearing the hairs off your own head, to weave them into
a new shirt to wear. It’s shortsighted; you’ll end up bald with a
collar and half a sleeve. Spare yourself the pain and just look beyond the tip
of your own nose, darling. The outcome of your current venture is obvious to
everyone but you. That’s not to say you should abandon it, necessarily–although
that might really be the best option–but you ought to consider at least
changing your methods to ones that could actually work.

Although
you can realistically claim to have more energy than anyone you know, it’s
important to know what kind of energy you have in abundance. It’s
difficult to bridle your shifting flames and ride them marathon distances. Long
hauls are much harder for you than short sprints, which, as everyone knows,
you rock at. That’s not to say you can’t cover great expanses and
even make good time doing it. You just have to take a different approach. What
is a long haul, except dozens of short sprints? Break it down into manageable
chunks. You may not win the race, but in this case winning ain’t important–what’s
important is reaching the finish line.

You’ve
been so hungry for thrills lately that I don’t want to even mention the
unspeakable places you’ve been sticking your vibrating cellphone. Unfortunately,
you can’t just force excitement to happen. Trying to inject it into your
life right now will only result in the psychic equivalent of a heroin addiction
and ultimately prevent you from experiencing some of the more legit, healthy,
and high-quality adventures coming your way soon. Luckily, although this week
may contain none of the tumultuous and electrifying ups and downs you’ve
been craving, it should provide enough gentle and engaging pleasures that you
can keep from indulging in any more embarrassing perversions of modern technology.

You don’t
know whether to giggle or weep. Lately, no one’s cut you a break or given
you the benefit of the doubt–instead they’ve leveled accusations of
not taking things seriously enough, or, perversely, treating everything like
a joke. You’re starting to think you just can’t win–and that’s
where things get dangerous. It’d be more accurate to assume that you just
couldn’t win. By the time Mercury slides into Libra on the 6th,
you’ll have finally figured out just what’s expected of you–when
to laugh out loud and when to keep a straight face.

You’ve
got a problem; it may not be especially big, but it’s taking up an awful
lot of mind-space. It’s like one of those painful zits that you just wish
you could pop but it’s too deep to get to. Like a pimple, it’s probably
better to just leave it alone, at least for now. It’s untouchable. Instead,
concentrate on the things you can control, the mental equivalent of eating
right and gently cleaning your face with good product. If you’re good about
it, you’re predicament will, like a zit, probably just dissolve and disappear
on its own.

For me to
tell you you’re especially vulnerable or receptive to those Geminis right
now would be redundant; you’ve already noticed. You might even have a clue
that there’s a surprising amount of reciprocity there, too. But did you
know that you have in your back pocket the perfect Band-Aid for your favorite
Gem’s Achilles heel? Luckily for you, they’ve got a similar remedy
that will cure your own most tender wound. It might be the kind of thing where
you can slap bandages on each other’s sore spots, wish each other well,
and go on your merry way–depending on what your particular injuries are.
But if you’re at all open to it, I recommend sticking around and seeing
what happens next. I have a feeling it’ll be worth your while.

It’s
not like you to wait until the last minute, but that’s really what you
ought to do right now. That’s because your current objective is more like
a short sprint with hurdles than a long-distance marathon. There’s no point
in exhausting yourself cramming in additional training now. Either you’ve
got what it takes or you don’t, and squeezing in a few extra practice runs
will only tire you out and make you less on your game, come the big event. Slack,
even though it contradicts your very nature. Loaf as if your dreams and hopes
depend on it. They do. When it’s time to get off your ass and fly, you’ll
know.

Caeriel@yahoo.com

People may
use unfamiliar words to describe you this week, like "comforting,"
and "gentle" and "safe." You’re not accustomed to feeling
like a homemade quilt, a puppy or a cup of hot cocoa. These edgeless sources
of warmth are generally quite different than the blaze you usually provide–which
is fierce enough to burn as well as heat things up. But your scorch-factor is
dialed quite low this week. Your barely repressed desire to scald and scare
has been subverted into a more passive wish to just be there for those who need
you. This won’t last long–but ending it won’t be your doing.
For now, let those who want it bask in your comfy warmth, because they’ll
be demanding you crank things to more dangerous temperatures soon enough.

You’re
grilled cheese, you’re chocolate, you’re the fucking Beatles. Whether
they particularly like you or not, the people you encounter have to acknowledge
your basic–and nearly universal–appeal. Those who don’t are fooling
themselves, and aggravating me and your other fans. Still, those caffeine-free,
lactose-intolerant, rock ’n’ roll haters don’t matter much in
the grand scheme of your life. There’s a time and a place to convert those
straddling the fence to the Cult of You, but this ain’t it. For now, graciously
please your loyal followers and politely ignore your detractors, no matter which
group is more vocal.

To all my
fellow skeptics: Sure, astrology is bullshit. It’s a load of fucking hooey,
and I don’t use that word lightly. But get this: It’s also real.
It’s as real as the stock market, and you believe in that enough to do
day trading, right? Financial advisors like Crawford Perspectives and Cycles
Research think it’s worth checking out, too. According to Forbes.com, they’ve
generated double-digit returns with investments based on astrological indicators.
My point–something like astrology is only as real or important as you make
it. But so are a lot of other things, and you occasionally find them useful
enough to believe in.

Trim your
nose hairs, wax your back, clip the toenails–all metaphorically, of course.
Although the one(s) you most want to impress may also be checking out physical
particulars like these, what they’ll primarily be looking at are psychic
hangnails. What teeth have you left unbrushed, which pimples unpopped and split
ends unsnipped? Make sure your conscience is as clean as a whistle, your ego
not overinflated, and your humble charm dialed all the way up. If you spend
as much time grooming your mental health this week as those vain Librans do
primping in the bathroom, you’ll do just fine.

You can
be mighty perplexing to those who wish they could see a more tangible and predictable
connection between your intentions and your actions, because very often–especially
lately–what you do is almost exactly the opposite of what you said you
wanted to do. So what? You’re a flip-flopper; that’s just part of
your Piscean nature. However, since at least one of those observing you is in
a position to give you something you greatly desire–but only if you fulfill
their slightly unfair expectations–it might be in your best interest to
embody a little less contradiction and a little more reliability. Luckily, this
week’s astrological forces will help you do just that.

You may
have to sing for your supper this week, or your sex, or your promotion, or your
role as center of attention–or all of these things. Luckily, you love being
put on the spot, even while you profess to hating it, because it gives you a
chance to shine. I’m warning you because you shouldn’t pass up any
opportunity to prove yourself–you may not get a second. A moment of false
modesty ("No, no, I simply couldn’t!") will send the spotlight
on to the next person who simply can and will, and you’ll have to do without
dinner, fucking, a raise, or popularity.

There is
simply no way I could nail your horoscope on the first try. It takes several
drafts for me to cram what I want to say into the space I have to say it in,
and to articulate it as precisely and concisely as possible. Less is more. In
your laudable efforts to get it right the first time, you’ve sprawled your
sentiment across three states. No one wants to read an essay in smoky skywriting.
This week, pare things down to their simplest forms. Cut your 50-word marriage
proposal down to five. That’s all you need.

You’re
sweet, always there for people, constantly cheerful, good company. There’s
little I can offer you in the way of advice, but if I had to come up with one
thing: You’re too independent. You’re so self-sufficient that
you don’t give those who long to get closer to you any openings to be there
for you. I’m not saying you should go all soft and weak and needy. But
you could move a half-step in that direction. Receptivity and vulnerability
are this week’s keywords. Sometimes getting is more important than giving,
and since many folks you know are all too eager to give to you, why not offer
them the chance?

It’s
a good week to meet new people, but not to get to know them. That’s a tricky
distinction, especially because the first impression you’re generating
right now is magnetically irresistible. Unfortunately, behind the surface of
a friendly face-to-face, all your magnetic poles are misaligned–things
are bound to get prickly and uncomfortable, because you’ll rub your new
acquaintances the wrong way, and vice versa. It’s better to be glib, charming
and only hint at the depths you possess, instead of inviting your enchanted
potential friends to plunge in. Save that for next week, when their rough edges
won’t catch against yours.

This week,
you’ll despise everyone. Not the whole week; hopefully your contempt will
contain itself to one or two tragic minutes, when your generally sunny perspective
is overwhelmed by the miserable, self-destructive failings of our race. I hope
that you can transcend your disdain quickly because if you’re anything
like me, you hate hating everyone. It sucks when some ugliness you encounter
eclipses all the beauty and kindness and dreaming we also create. Surround yourself
with people who consistently inspire or delight you, so you won’t get stuck
in the black mood when it hits. And if you happen to be away from the dreamers
you love when shit goes down, take my words on faith: There is good in
the world, even if you can’t see it. Just wait. It’ll turn up.

Patience
isn’t one of your best virtues, so you can understand all too well when
those who are waiting on you start to get antsy and worried. They’re used
to your usual instantaneous action. You’ve spoiled them by creating a world
in which things are almost easier done than said. Now, when what you’re
working on simply can’t be finished faster than it is, no matter how efficient
or dedicated you are, people are bound to get impatient. Don’t let them
rush you, though. Despite their urgency, results really are more important than
a record time. And since you rarely do anything half-ass, when they see how
well you’ve done, they’ll quickly forget how long it took.

Don’t
freeze up in fear. This week you’re likely to encounter a few things that
you’d probably rather not experience. They might be pretty unpleasant.
But rigidly trying to ignore them or escape them without being touched (mentally
or physically) won’t work, and will just make the situation that much worse.
Be open, be loose, be flexible. It’s not like the drunken homeless guy
(or whatever form the unfamiliar new thing will take) is actually a threat to
you, unless bad breath makes you die. Heed what’s going on. I promise you’ll
learn something. You’ll probably have a good laugh about it, too–and
who doesn’t need more of those?

Lately you’ve
shunned the open, sunny rooms of the mental house you’ve built; you’ve
crawled into the spaces between the walls, slithered behind radiators, peeped
through paintings and shimmied up chimneys. I appreciate that you’re trying
to experience all the places between or behind the familiar (slightly tired)
ones you’ve already visited. You’re looking for something new, or
something old that you might have missed. But the things you’re craving
are too big to fit into the places where you’re looking for them. If you
want something grand and beautiful to come live in your house, you can’t
make room for it in a walk-in closet; you’d better build on a whole new
addition.

You’re
being poisoned by your environment. This is besides the toxic vengeance we wreak
on ourselves in our sick self-sabotage, like pollution, pesticides, free radicals.
You, specifically, are being sickened (physically or spiritually or both) by
your unique living situation. Check for radon, evil roommates or just an overall
sterility that doesn’t reflect, stimulate, or amplify the richness of your
inner life. Sagittarians are meant to move a lot, to wander and learn, and take
in a wealth of diverse stimulation. So when you settle down, even for a little
while, let alone years, you need to make sure the place you’ve put roots
in has plenty of magic to help you keep growing, or you wither like a plant
out of sunlight. Make your environment reflect you and what you believe–now.
If you can’t make that happen, it’s time to leave.

You have
the power to make a seed sprout just by staring at it. Water boils when you
get mad. A kiss from you has enough juju to wake the dead. What to do with this
suddenly amplified and concentrated (and hard to control) personal power? Anything
you want. The trick is figuring out what you want, fast, before your batteries
run back down to normal levels. You’re likely to inadvertently manifest
the next three wishes you make. I just hope they’re things you actually
want, not just things you think you want.

Backpedaling
Uranus is retreating into your sign this week. What does this mean? Earlier
this year, you were a dynamo of power, blowing obstacles from your path with
blasts of psychic energy and decisive force. You’re not quite so aggressively
endowed right now. You’re more like a black hole with infinite gravitational
attraction. Whatever you direct your attention at, unless it’s firmly rooted
in place, will be sucked inexorably toward you and crushed against your iron
will–or embraced by your open arms. You can’t easily control the fact
that almost everything will soon be hurtling in your direction. But you can
decide what happens to it when it gets there.

What’s
the magic word? I’m not talking about Miss Manners bullshit somebody taught
you as a kid. I’m talking about the thing you can say that almost always
gets you what you want. It could be: "Come over and fuck me," or "I
know what you did last summer." It could just be "please." Whatever
it is, I know you’re careful not to overuse it, lest it lose its effectiveness.
But this is no week to pull punches. You need what you need, and you need it
now, so do what you gotta do to get it.

The more
you trust, the more your trust will be rewarded–mostly. The unfortunate
exceptions to this rule, however, teach us distrust so quickly it’s scary.
Sadly, distrust works the same way–the more you suspect someone, the more
likely they are to fulfill your worst expectations. Why do we let the negative
experiences have so much more power than the positive ones? Because pain is
easier to remember than pleasure. This week, you have a chance to change all
that. Your best hopes will yield the best results, as long as you don’t
give an inch to your worst fears (which are equally likely to manifest if you
do). It’s an exercise in faith. Think good thoughts, good shit will happen.
Think life sucks? It will.

Frequent
laughter is exactly the medicine you need, and you’re finally realizing
that having fun is more important than some of the other things you’ve
been putting all your energy into. Life is short, and material success might
play a factor in your maximum enjoyment of it. But I believe a much greater
role in your general happiness can be played by the goofiest people you know.
Forget physical sex appeal, financial status, gender or any of that superficial
stuff–look to the people who make you laugh best and most often. Invite
them deeper into your life. Make room for them, and for the fun you’ll
have. You’ll not only live longer as a result, you’ll live way, way,
better.

Where have
you gone? Some of your friends are convinced you’ve fallen down a well
somewhere, and just can’t get cellphone service down there. Maybe you have.
From my astrological readouts, it looks like nearly all of the arrows and buckshot
headed your way will miss their target. Meanwhile, you’re free to concentrate
on the introvert-type stuff you’ve been neglecting. Just don’t stay
down in your well of solitude for too long. Climb up before week’s end
or your worst enemies will discover your best hiding place, which just can’t
happen; you’re a sitting duck down there.

Watch your
weight. You’ve suddenly become so receptive that desserts are effectively
twice as fattening as usual. That’s the downside of your current state.
The upside is that you’ll be twice as fed by spiritual nourishment. Thus
your recent near-starvation diet will seem a little more like a feast. And that’s
not all. It’s just like the universe to throw in a bonus package when you’re
already reeling with newfound wealth. The Full Moon in Pisces is likely to throw
more than a bone your way; it’ll probably toss you a whole steak.

Your psychic
inbox is full of spam. Your life is rife with useless distractions and annoying
reminders of the pettiness you’d rather be free of. You need a better junkmail
filter, but you’re not sure how to implement it without shutting out at
least some of the people you would like to hear from. Just like no one’s
figured out a hassle-free way to keep their email-box free of porn, there’s
no easy way to keep your life crap-free. But if you pay attention this week,
you should discover at least one way of more effectively screening out the noise
and hearing more of the music.

Take off
your blinders. It’s simply time to stop fooling yourself. You can’t
blame the deception you’re suffering from on anybody else; you’re
not naive enough for anyone to pull wool this thick over your eyes. The only
person who could maintain this unbelievable charade is you. The problem: a war
between your gut and your desire. You want something to be true, or real, while
deep down you know it’s not. It’s hard to admit to yourself the truth
of the situation because it’s anathema to your hopes (which are slightly
unrealistic, but only for the moment). You’ll never give yourself a chance
to actually find a situation that fits your wishes–until you see the current
one for what it is, and extricate yourself from it.

You need
to be cuffed and spanked. Or maybe you need to cuff and spank someone else.
The astrological omens aren’t very clear about who deserves this punishment,
which could be humiliating, sexy, hilarious–or all of the above–for
everyone involved. Whether you’re the distributor of discipline this week
or the castigation catcher, I’m sure you’ll have fun (and happily
review a couple half-forgotten lessons). Just don’t make a habit of this.
As exciting and interesting as it can be to tear down useless walls (in your
soul or somebody else’s), it’s more important that you save your strength
and time for the impressive construction work of the coming months: structures
dotting your shared inner landscape that are more massive and cooperative (and
beautiful) than anything you’ve ever attempted before.

My favorite
architect and artist, Sagittarian Friedensreich Hundertwasser, once said that
"the straight line is godless and immoral" and that "the uncritical
use of straight lines has reduced our cities to concrete deserts." I urge
you to consider this message in the coming weeks, when the straight line, although
it may be the shortest distance between two places you want to be, is
almost certainly the worst path you could take, killing a bunch of the chaotic
life flourishing in your mental terrain. Instead, when considering your destinations,
please imagine the most complicated, spiritually nourishing route, with no regard
for efficiency–that’s the one you want to take not only to get where
you’re going, but to get there enriched, instead of sterilized.

While I
was advising those Scorpios to participate in some much-needed restraint and
punishment, I have the opposite advice for my dear Goat friends: You’ve
been chained up way too much, and taking your normally motivational self-flagellation
to unhealthy extremes. Ease up. Unlock at least half the encumbrances grounding/restraining
you, and let a few things slide for a while. Pretend you’re delicate and
fragile, like a freshly cut flower. You need to be lovingly trimmed, nourished
and enjoyed, not worked out and worked over. You can go back to your robust,
high-speed, high-efficiency employment and amusement next week when they won’t
leave you drooping and half-dead with wilt and exhaustion.

Your life
is rife with deficiencies. I’m not talking parts of your personality; we
both know you’re pretty much one of the most chill, well-adjusted people
out there. I’m talking about what you’re taking in–and what you’re
not. There’s a certain element, as essential as Vitamin C, that’s
just plain missing from your life. You know what I’m talking about. You’d
better find a way to supplement your spiritual diet with some form of what’s
absent, or you may come down with a bad case of soul scurvy. Hint: You already
know a perfect (and willing) source of your malnourishment’s remedy. It’s
only a phone call or email away.

Don’t
disempower yourself. You’ve gotten a bit lax at keeping your most self-destructive
urges in check. You shrug and say, "I’m a Pisces; we’re prone
to extremes," and don’t question it any further. Then you just let
yourself go there, when perhaps resisting or moderating those inclinations might
be better. The next time you feel yourself sliding down that slippery slope,
catch a toehold with the question: "Am I really going to learn something
useful and new about myself? Or am I just wasting money, time, and well-being
for some empty fun (that’s probably not even that fun)?"

This week
I’d like you to concentrate on overcoming the misery of gadgetry. You’re
too much under the influence of some of the technology that surrounds you, and
you end up feeling–rationally or irrationally–that you’re its
servant, and not the other way around. Revolt against your cellphone, television
or internet addiction. Reduce their behemoth proportions to more reasonable
priority levels. Your first week off high-dosage tech might be rough, but by
week three, you’ll be happier and more engaged with the world than you
have been in a year.

Your naturally
iron stomach may protect you from mild food poisoning, but that’s no reason
to purposely ingest anything even slightly toxic. Sure, go ahead and exercise
your digestive advantage if you have a good reason, like: It’d be fun to
go on a bender with your college buds, impress a chick with your pufferfish
ingestion or kill that parasite you picked up in Zimbabwe. But I’m guessing
that none of the reasons you’re given (or can think up) are even half as
good as the ones I mentioned, so by all means, don’t be stupid. If you
see something (or someone) toxic, stay away.

You might
as well throw in the towel this week, because all your ventures will probably
fall flat. If you succeed right now, it’ll most likely be by accident,
not by trying as hard as you can. Don’t abandon your loftiest ambitions,
just put them on hold for a week or two. They’ll still be there later,
when the inhibitive astrological influences don’t have you pinned to a
board. I’d rather you tackle them fresh at that time, rather than flailing
ineffectually at them for weeks amidst mounting frustration. Instead of aiming
high, just concentrate on the little shit, enjoying life’s daily pleasures:
Take lots of showers, stay cool, eat delicious food, listen to good music, play
with the dog. When it’s fruitful to go back to conquering the world again,
I’ll let you know.

Hard and
fast rules of morality won’t serve you well. Sometimes, albeit rarely,
violence, assholism, theft or deceit is justified. I’m not presenting an
ends vs. means argument here. I’m simply pointing out that occasionally
one of those extremes represents the lesser of evils. I’m discouraging
the infamous Cancer Cling on all fronts, but this week most of all I wish you’d
resist rigidity regarding your principles. If you can’t think outside the
arbitrary ethical boxes you’ve drawn, you won’t be able to deal when,
like right now, all your viable options lie outside of them.

Since you’re
not currently in their grips, this is a good week to take an objective, practical
look at your fears. List them in order of potency, not conquerability–the
latter is irrelevant just now, because there’s actually no wall you can’t
topple. Then line them up against a brick wall and shoot them dead. Sadly, this
week doesn’t herald an end to all fear (like you, some of them have
more than nine lives, and will return in a new form), but you should be able
to utterly kill (and be rid of forever) at least two or three.

There were
Blackout of ’03 t-shirts on sale before some people even had their power
restored. Seriously. I saw them, and thought of you and the way you’ve
been hyping your experience–before you’ve even had a chance to experience
it. I know you’re excited about your plans, but at least complete them
before you begin bragging about them, or making memorabilia. Be warned: It’s
bad enough that any "pre-game" buildup dramatically increases your
chances of being bitterly disappointed with what actually happens. It gets worse:
Your blabbing could jinx you, and prevent the much-anticipated event from even
happening. In other words, run your mouth about, say, going horseback riding
and you’ll break a leg before you ever step into a stirrup.

Your cold
and distant ruling planet, Pluto, is moving forward again for the first time
since March. Here’s hoping that your heart, which has been similarly frigid
and unreachable (at least to some people), might seem a little more approachable
now that it’s more in synch with the rest of the universe. You know what
I’m talking about; you may still be such a dynamo in the sack that you
think your fuckbuds are blinded by their multiple orgasms. Nope. They know you
haven’t quite been there the way you used to be. Wake up. Knocking boots
won’t hold anyone’s attention for long unless there’s some soul-to-soul
sweetness, too.

I fought
in a condiment war a couple weeks ago. A couple hundred people gathered in the
streets, armed with squirt pistols, water balloons and squeeze bottles filled
with mustard, mayonnaise, syrup and hot sauce, and joyfully blasted the shit
out of each other. Sticky and stinky as I rode the subway home to throw out
my clothes and shower off, I thought about you. Conflict may be unavoidable,
but isn’t there some way you could make it fun for all concerned? It’ll
resolve itself regardless, whatever method you choose; the outcome is virtually
guaranteed. But wouldn’t it be better to get there with smiles on your
faces?

Come on,
you horny goat. I know you’ve already gotten off twice more than usual
today, but I believe you actually have another one in you. Try a sexy, cuddly
catnap. In 20 minutes, I predict you’ll surprise even yourself and be good
to go again. In other words, this week you may feel that you’ve already
blown your wad. In truth, your wad is, er, bigger than you think. Give yourself
a chance to dig deep and find out what you’re really made of–and capable
of–especially because it’ll be so fun for everybody else, too.

This week
you’re likely to laugh so hard you pee yourself, or cry loudly enough to
wake the neighbors, or rage so intensely you break furniture–or all of
these and more. It’s not that your emotions are especially heightened,
it’s that they’ve hit a wall. Thus you don’t experience them
until they’ve developed enough force to smash their way through, at which
point they’re, well, sort of extreme. Hey, don’t sweat it. Just go
with it, and remember this week next time you want to make fun of those melodramatic
Cancers for acting just like you are now.

My favorite
aspect of the big blackout: that 50 million minds were sprung from their routines.
All those people simultaneously shook off the programming of their familiar
lives and stopped running on automatic for a while. Hopefully, it wasn’t
too scary for too many people–but even fear has its place when it comes
to shaking things up. What will it take to wake you up and keep you present,
in the coming weeks? Do you need a jolt of gut-wrenching fear, or a fire under
your ass? Better scare or motivate yourself, because if you don’t, forces
in the universe will–and they’re a lot less gentle than you’d
ever be.

For those
seeking a happy horoscope, I implore you: Please stop reading now. I’m
very sorry to have to bring you the kind of news I’m about to disclose.
If you lack the stomach to learn of your impending misery, turn the page now.
Besides the tragic circumstances ahead, I have only this pathetically meager
sliver of hope or comfort to offer: Everyone experiences misery, often, throughout
their lives–and they almost always get to experience joy again, if they
patiently and persistently seek it. Now, regarding the depressing forecast (here’s
your last chance to turn back): You are almost certainly bound to have your
expectations built up, then squashed by a load of empty hype this week. Still,
there may be a gem or two worth salvaging among the wreckage of your shattered
hopes (or dreads).

Don’t
join the witch-hunt, Taurus. Even though your neighbors and coworkers have called
you out, torches and pitchforks in hand, refuse their urgent madness. It’s
not too late to cling to sanity and common sense, even when all those around
you have utterly abandoned them. You’ve done well this year, shedding your
undeserved reputation for thoughtless conservatism, but here’s where you
must don the mantle of thoughtful moderation and caution. Only someone
as strong and solid as you can hope to do the job; when those around you decide
to leap to (and act upon) ridiculous conclusions, swat them down in midair,
and shake some sense into them.

It’s
scapegoat season again, and you’re miles from any haven where hunting is
off-limits. Your world’s shifty right now; even the alibis you use to evade
taking the fall may turn on you if you’re not careful. It could be frustrating
to take a smack across the head for a sin you didn’t commit, but resist
the temptation to deflect that attention by pointing your own raygun of culpability.
At least you know you’re innocent (even if no one else believes
it). Blaming someone else (especially when you’re not sure they’re
guilty) would erase that innocence, and only make you deserve the punishments
you’re getting.

Let’s
call this Glamour Week for you Cancers. While stylish elegance is certainly
easily attainable for you right now, I was referring to the older definition
for that word: glamour as illusion. Your sensitivities are highly attuned to
crafting a proper deception or alteration of perception, and what that takes:
details, details, details. You’ve got the skills to pull off whatever big
trick you want; flawlessly forge a crop circle in a field somewhere, craft a
sexy new history for yourself to tell to strangers you meet, seduce someone
you’d normally perceive as out of your league. You’re already a convincing
liar when you want to be–but somehow you usually get found out. Here’s
why: Your conviction is important, but it’s the impeccable minutiae around
it that seals the deal.

Leos are
at once arrogant and insecure. Your self-perceptions are all cast in stark relief,
black and white. For instance, you’re utterly convinced that every significant
person in your life either loves you or despises you, when the reality is usually
a muddy blend of the two. I know it’s a challenge, when your ruling planet
is the sun, to shake off the night-or-day perceptions that have plagued you
lately, but it’s important that you clearly see things as they are–ironically,
not as clear or clean-cut as you’d believed them to be. Look for your answers
in the twilight, instead of at noon or midnight. That in-between time is where
they all live.

Partying
is for other signs. The focus of your birthday month, unfortunately, is work,
not fun. Tragically, the universe channels nothing but tough love for you Virgos.
Hey, don’t nag (or stab) the messenger; I’ll applaud you if you say,
"Fuck it," take off for Cancun and spend your savings on piña
coladas. However, I doubt your ambitious goals will allow such a happy jaunt.
They require a shitload of hard labor, and the cold fact is, you’ll have
an easier time accomplishing said labors while the sun is coursing through your
sign than during any other big block of time all year. Blow it off if you want.
Woohoo! But if I were you, I’d punctuate my toil with a glee-filled reckless
night or two, but mostly concentrate on getting shit done, when it’ll take
half as much time and effort as it will later.

Half-assed
gestures have gotten old. It’s time for you to do something, anything,
definitively. This week, don’t spend more than 30 minutes internally debating
anything. Make a decision, stick to it and follow through on whatever’s
required of you. You’ve put out so many mixed messages in the past month
that your friends are ready to sign you up for an ESL class. Make yourself understood,
because more than anything else, people in your life need to know where they
stand with you. No more equivocation. Bullshit p.c. sentiments like "I
hate labels" are too fucked to tolerate right now, and people won’t.
If someone asks you something, say "Yes" or "No," not "Maybe."

Integrative
medicine, which utilizes a combination of Western medical techniques and a myriad
of so-called "alternative" therapies, like acupuncture, homeopathy
and lifestyle changes, is fundamentally different than typical Western medical
practice. It recognizes each individual as different, requiring different treatments,
and treats the doctor-patient relationship as a partnership, whereas traditional
doctors treat symptoms, not patients, and consider themselves unassailable authorities
and patients merely passive recipients of the drugs they prescribe. Being a
natural healer (and yes, destroyer; they go hand in hand), you’ve long
known that the same problem can and should be solved different ways by different
people. Now recognize that your crisis won’t respond to traditional treatment.
Come up with your own way to cure yourself. You can.

Selflessness
is your call word. The most important things you do this week are likely to
be about and for everyone but you. Yes, you’ll have the spiritual fulfillment
that comes with kindness and generosity, but this is not about fluffing your
ego. Do right by the folks you love because it is right, not because
you need it to feel right about yourself. So whether you’re dishing out
pity fucks or soup kitchen scraps, remember who they’re for: the people
who need these things, not the sweethearts who deliver them. Not you, but them.

Don’t
wait until you’re backed to the wall. Right now you have choices, albeit
difficult ones. As thorny as your current options seem, let me assure you that
you don’t want to get to the point at which you have none left. You’re
loath to face the hungry tigers or stinking vats of shit behind doors one and
two, but they’re not going anywhere. Door three’s positioned just
out of sight behind one (or perhaps both) of the doors in front of you, but
you’ll never see the happier reality glimmering behind it until you wade
through the crap and claws between here and there.

Tiptoe.
The only way you’re going to get where you’re going right now is through
stealth. All the beasts and monsters guarding the prize have been nearly awakened
by your recent clumsiness; they’re more alert and violent than ever before.
Absolute silence and patience are all that will get you past those lightly sleeping
dragons. Therefore, strip off the clanking armor you’ve been wearing and
leave your arsenal of cumbersome weapons behind. They won’t do you much
good in the labyrinth you’re entering; if the dragon awakens, you’re
cooked.

Unfuck your
mind. You’ve finally realized how often you’ve fallen prey, in the
past, to two classic Piscean traps: 1. Many of the buffers and safe zones you’ve
created for your own psychological safety have ultimately resulted in trapping
and suppressing you, instead of keeping the harshness of the world out. In other
words, they’re more prisons than havens. 2. You’ve accepted too much
at face value, because it was easier than constantly questioning things. Passively
absorbing society’s programming has made you less wise or courageous about
money, love, stability and responsibility than you’d otherwise have been.
It’s time to correct those errors. It may be harder to weed out all the
shitty ideas and thorn walls that have taken root than it would have been to
prevent them from being planted in the first place, but it must be done, nevertheless.

Mars, your
ruling planet, will be physically closer to Earth on August 27 than it has been
in nearly 60,000 years. Astrologically, that means you’ll notice a marked
amplification of your natural superpowers (with some or all of them careening
out of your immediate control) as well as an increased tendency to make foolish
mistakes. Don’t get aggravated or embarrassed by your gaffes; most of us
find them endearing, not annoying. But be cautious regarding your more esoteric
skills. In other words, be exceedingly careful what you wish for. You’re
likely to get two of it.

The proof
of (and validation for) your dependability has endowed you with more self-confidence
than ever before. You’ve really got your shit together; so much so that
you’re more open to adopting a new pet or conceiving a child than you’d
previously been. There’s no question whether you can hack the added pressure
and responsibility. You’re solid. But recognize that your ability to carry
that burden is independent of your desire, which could very well change in a
month, year or decade. If you have any doubts at all about taking that on, get
yourself a goldfish, not a golden retriever.

You’ve
made so many people around you quietly eat their words that now you’re
pretty much the only skinny person you know. It’s nice to prove people
wrong when they think the worst (or second best) of you, and I’m glad you’ve
had the opportunity. But don’t let it go to your head. Rubbing your current
righteousness and superiority in people’s faces will backfire, and
earn you a painful comeuppance. Don’t give your naysayers the pleasure
of seeing you get blindly cocky, nor the ecstasy of witnessing you being taken
down a notch. Shut up and be happy, successful, and best of all–right.

It’s
all about preventive medicine. You have the power to wield spiritual prophylactics
more effectively than condoms. I’d strongly advise that you do so. The
alternative is almost certainly contracting an unpleasant malaise or ennui that
would be tougher to shake than syphilis. I’d rather not see anything so
dull cut into the fun you’re supposed to be having, so party safely, Cancer.
Don’t rely on luck, morning-after pills or the divine grace of your good
karma. They simply can’t be counted on right now. In other words, stick
to this rule of thumb: Before you stick your head or heart into anything this
week, wrap it.

Quit your
job. That’s right. Take a fucking leap of faith. The damn thing isn’t
fulfilling you, and the financial rewards aren’t worth what it’s costing
your soul. Leos should be proud and free, not burdened with thousands of niggling
obligations. The way to do right by yourself is to figure out a way to do what
you really want, and live off it. Poor and emancipated is better than enslaved
and rich; believe me, I know. It’s okay if you don’t quit today, or
tomorrow. Leaps of faith can be planned; they can be smart. But eventually (and
sooner is mostly better than later), you just have to jump.

Sometimes
no one else cares that you’re the center of the universe. They revolve
around you on their individual trajectories, interacting with one another and
completely ignoring the massive blazing sun they’re all orbiting. This
is natural; no matter how fabulous you are, people can’t pay attention
to you continuously, or they’ll start wishing you’d implode, just
to do something different. So when you pull off another amazing stunt this week,
don’t waste your breath yelling: "Look at me, everybody! Look at…um,
look over here… Everybody?" Just revel by yourself. When your fans
are ready to adore you again, they’ll come flocking all on their own.

Your phone
may ring off the hook this week. Everyone wants an update on all your current
projects. It may surprise and flatter you that so many people care so deeply
about the things you’re working on (which often don’t even directly
involve them). But don’t get sucked in. You were making really good time
on your many missions, until you started having to give progress reports every
12 minutes. Make your voicemail message say, "I’ll call you when I’m
finished," focus on what you’re doing, and get shit done.

A cramped
quickie in an airplane bathroom isn’t exactly your style. Admission to
the Mile High Club isn’t that important to you. Fine, I don’t blame
you. But you can take that attitude to extremes. I’m sure that someone,
somewhere, did meet the love of their life after responding to a come-hither
look from a beguiling flight attendant. Sticking to some idealized version of
how things are supposed to play out will ultimately leave you lonely and old,
still waiting for circumstances to be "just so." Throw that shit out,
already. Make your own romance and, yes, it will almost certainly involve doing
things that aren’t "by the book"–they’re probably not
even in the book.

Lurking
is a forte of yours. It may not be a skill you loudly tout or list on your resume,
but it’s certainly more useful than knowing how to use Excel. Recognizing
the right moment to pounce and when to bide your time is an amazing talent.
Exercise that slightly sinister patience this week, instead of succumbing to
the outside influences urging you to act now. You know, without the shadow of
a doubt, that if you’re patient you’ll eventually get exactly what
you want, whereas striking now only gives you a 50/50 chance. Why push it?

Many Sagittarians
differentiate their life’s chapters by the kind of good fortune they experienced
the most of during them. Think of past eras: the one when you got lucky in love,
the one when your business took off, the one when you inherited money and won
prizes. That’s why you may be even more disappointed than those Leos that
your ruling planet, Jupiter, is only in their sign for another two weeks. It’s
going to be that much harder for you to shine and have fun once it rolls over
into Virgo. Enjoy this last fortnight in the spotlight, Sag. You’ll miss
this time once it’s gone.

Endings
make most people sad. It’s natural to mourn the loss of something beloved.
But I’m worried about you Caps, who occasionally despise change so deeply
that you rigidly resist rolling with it. Don’t get pinned under the steamrolling
tide of progress (even if it is, as you often claim, backwards progress). Instead,
fervently espouse the philosophy that’s your only sliver of hope: Each
ending engenders a new beginning; one door closes, another opens; and the cliches
go on and on in this vein. Tell you what–I’ll stop spouting them once
you start taking them to heart.

You’re
perfectly comfortable where you are. No matter how enticing the invitations
you’ve received, they’re probably not enough to make you drag your
ass out of the metaphorical armchair you’ve settled into. That’s why
I’m here. Comfort is nice, and laziness is part of the human character.
But that’s not necessarily a good thing. I’m all for enjoying life,
but we’ve taken this to extremes here in the West, where people are generally
fatter and more appeased (I won’t say satisfied) than ever before. Think
of the deeper satisfaction that comes from fulfilling your dreams, even if the
work to get there is grueling and hard. Then turn off the tv, get up out of
the chair, and go for it.

The world’s
making sense again, finally. All the elements of your universe are running,
more or less, in the same direction. Enjoy it, but don’t get used to it.
You’re doomed, at least for the moment, to just barely figure things out
before they get jumbled up again. You’re in an hourglass that gets flipped
just when you’ve figured things out. The good news: Each time things turn
over, it’s a little easier to suss out your new terrain, so you have more
productive time than you did the chapter before. The better news: You only have
three more flips until you’ll be able to smash free from the hourglass
completely.

Beware brown-nosers.
You usually do; you’re not nearly as susceptible to profligate ass-kissing
as some other signs. Although you may be unable to avoid those obsequious apple-polishers
this week, you can keep from giving them any energy. They’re just another
form of vampire, after all, seeking to leech off your hyper-radiance. Don’t
get annoyed–that’s as pointless as being flattered by their insincere
ingratiation. Unfortunately, you can’t ignore them completely, as much
as you might like to. Take the tai chi approach: the path of least resistance.
A noncommittal yes to their ridiculous requests will do far more to peel their
lips off your buttcheeks than a flat-out no or a straight-up lie.

Prettiness
may be a short-term advantage, but it’s often a long-term disadvantage.
It sometimes precludes people from developing other skills necessary to survive.
By the time their good looks fade, they’ve got nothing else going on. They’re
losers. I’m not saying you’re one of them–you’re far too
practical to get hung up on your own cuteness. But in your avid appreciation
for beauty, you may be enabling someone to ride entirely on their looks, to
their own eventual detriment. Don’t let that happen. Tell your gorgeous
girlfriend that you’re going to have to ignore her, at least until she
learns to read.

Your list
of favorites is taller than you are. You have no problem deciding between a
myriad of ice cream flavors or dozens of sexy celebrities. But the compendium
of what you dislike is a jumbled mess. Which tastes worse, really, calf brains
or fried grasshoppers? Unfortunately, your choices this week may be riddled
with unsavory options. Since abstention isn’t possible, you may have to
decide between awful alternatives, determining not what you love best, but what
you hate least. The silver lining of this crappy scenario–there’s
the chance that one of the many sucky selections you’ll make this week
could turn out to be a pleasant surprise: something you actually like.

Moral code
is important; for Cancers it’s integral to your very personality. However,
this week is all about differentiating between principle and practice. You’re
already too prone to get yourself into a huff over nitpicky details of experience,
loudly proclaiming when anyone questions you: "It’s the principle
of the thing!" Can’t you see you’re making yourself crazy? Not
every battle must be fought. It doesn’t matter that you’re in the
right every time if you’re also in an institution for the mentally unstable.
Pick your fights carefully this week, and in the weeks to come, based on your
own experience. Make it personal. If it doesn’t actually affect you
(only your beliefs about how things "should be"), leave it alone.

If anyone
is used to sharing, it’s you. You even have to share your ruling planet,
Mercury, with those unruly Geminis. But just because you’re good at it
doesn’t mean you should have to do it all the time. Be selfish this week,
Virgo. Hoard your goodies, for just a little while. It’s sweet to be openhanded,
but you’ve been maxing out on the self-sacrifice. It’s time to be
generous to yourself. If you don’t want to end up getting nailed to a cross
somewhere, follow my advice: Don’t revert to your old, munificent habits
until you’ve had at least seven days in a row during which you’ve
spent more time, money, and energy on yourself than on everyone else combined.

Like those
Virgos, you’re good at sharing. Unlike them, you don’t get sick of
it quite as easily–in fact, you’re far more likely to be guilty of
over-share than any other sign. Hey, that’s no bad thing, even though some
of the more judgmental signs might sometimes think so. So what? Screw them.
Obviously, you’re not meant to end up with one of those people.
Go ahead and tell everyone you meet everything about you, from old band-camp
stories to what you ate for breakfast. You’ll know who your real friends
are: those people who are genuinely interested.

I have felt
more of a kinship with you Scorpios this past year than with my own sign. I’ve
watched my personal obsessions with sex and death wax and overflow in ways I’d
only previously observed in members of your dark crew. I’m not alone, either;
many people are identifying with you lately. More people actually get what you’re
all about than ever before. This is both bad and good. Bad, because you may
have to give up the I’m-a-Deep-Loner-Who-No-One-Understands routine that
you love so much. But good, because your family of kindred spirits has just
nearly doubled. Here’s another good thing: Kindred spirits make great sex
partners.

This is
as good as it’s going to get for a while. I’m not saying start settling
for second best. It’s just that some times are better than others for making
quick progress or improving your lot in life. This week you’re likely to
encounter incredible resistance when you try to move up in the world. Don’t
give up entirely. Just cool it for a week or so. Bide your time and chill out.
Instead of trying to force your way through, wait for the opening that’s
bound to come–if not next week, then certainly the week after. If you’re
not exhausted from fruitlessly trying to forge ahead, then you’ll be able
to rocket upwards with three weeks of pent-up force.

Do it right
the first time. That’s the gist of the advice doled out by my favorite
author, Neal Stephenson. He says it applies whether you’re writing fiction
or computer code; it’s always harder to go back and try to debug faulty
code or fix bad writing. This advice is relevant to you, specifically to the
project you’ve just begun. Since you could do a slapdash, quickie job right
now, then spend a period eight times as long fixing it, or you could
take merely twice as long as the quickie version to nail your task perfectly
(and never worry about it again). I recommend you choose the latter option.

Aquarians
make great friends. It’s not that you’re especially gifted with sensitivity
or thoughtfulness–in fact, you’re often incredibly self-centered (don’t
sweat it, most fascinating people are). It’s that when a friend asks you
to do something, you always, always do it, whether it’s helping them move,
picking them up from the airport, or just listening to them vent. It’s
really great–for those who know the secret: asking. That’s the key
that’s been missing from the friendship lexicons of some of your newest
pals. Please fill them in, by telling them, "If you ever need something,
just ask for it, and it’s yours."

You can
stop trying to figure out who’s going to end up with who on Sex and
the City now. I already know: Miranda will land Steve; Samantha, Jerry;
Carrie and Charlotte will end the series alone. Hey, hey, before you get in
an uproar about me ruining your favorite show, stop and realize: I don’t
know what the hell I’m talking about. I made up that shit just like someone
else in your life will make up shit to fuck with your head this week. Now that
you know how it is, don’t let them get you in a tizzy with their totally
fake information, okay?

You’re
so good at saying just the wrong thing at the worst time, thereby totally aggravating
a situation that, say, a politically minded Aquarius could have defused with
a kind word and a joke. Another astrologer might throw up his hands and say
there’s just no hope for you, but not I. At the same time, I’m aware
that I can’t increase your diplomacy in one measly paragraph. You do have
one recourse, however: Parlay your tactlessness into an advantage. Every weakness
can be played as a strength. For instance, those who know you’re incapable
of subtle manipulations might trust (and adore) you all the more, knowing you’ll
never screw them around.

You’re
shedding worse than a golden retriever in high summer. The detritus you’ve
been casting off has gathered in corners, piled in tall, flaky drifts against
the walls, and populated the dust-bunny homesteads beneath your bed. Discarded
relationships, attitudes, forgotten friendships, unhealthy habits–they
all lie pell-mell around your apartment, office, and gym. You’ve forgotten
what color the floor was under all that mess. I know you’re exhausted from
your great efforts. But you’re not done; those bad habits and failed philosophies
still litter your existence, even if they’re not currently in use. That’s
like kicking heroin but leaving needles and paraphernalia everywhere. Get that
shit out of your house, already, before you’re buried in it.