The Mandate: Why Won't He Call??

Written by The Mandate on . Posted in Lifestyle, NY Press Exclusive, Sex & Relationships.


Dear Mandate,

WHY HASN’T HE CALLED?

“Why hasn’t he called?” The age old question. Let’s go through the rundown.

– He lost his phone and you’re over-thinking it. How many days have passed anyway? Oh. That many? Scratch that, he’s got his phone and you need to stop thinking about it.

– You had a piece of spinach caught between your two front teeth during dinner, which reminded him of a phobia he had buried deep down below the surface of his soul. Seeing you would mean dealing with this issue, which means dealing with emotions, and problems, and relationships. Some guys don’t like taking a look below the surface of the pond. They accept that fishes are swimming under there, but don’t try catching them.

– He heard “Pave Paradise,” and thought what a great concept that was. Maybe Joni was onto something there. So you’re his paradise, and he paved over you, trying to figure out what he had after it was gone. Men are a fickle idiotic creature, but such is life.

– You farted. He knows you farted. It’s cool and everything but… you farted.

– Why haven’t you called him?

– You have called him. Way too many times. You’re freaking him out, seriously.

– You sent him an e-mail the next day, full of oldies. In the message you told him that you thought this might brighten his day. It didn’t. It creeped him out. But it was thoughtful of you.

– It’s the Sabbath.

– He just got out of a “bad break up” and needs some time to “heal.” But verbalizing this would create a cliché. Better to just ignore you. You’ll probably figure that out for yourself, right?

– You’re too much for him. In every way. In the best of ways. He sees a future in your eyes. Your mirth. The way your skin glows in the candlelight. He felt himself falling into the end, and while the left half of his brain said let that happen, the right side said, these days aren’t over yet. Must. Live.

– He called you back a week later and suggested drinks. You jumped at the opportunity, not aware that what he meant was I want to keep you on the line, so when I feel lonely, I can remind myself that people actually find some redeemable quality in me. In doing this, any redeemable qualities are abolished. He’ll realize this later in life, but you need to realize it now. If he didn’t return your call the day of, “HE’S NOT THAT INTO YOU,” And that’s cool baby. You’re in Manhattan. Take a walk through Whole Foods.

– You’re vegan. He’s not. It’d never work. Come on.

– Because you concern yourself with questions like “why hasn’t called,” rather than refocusing that energy on something productive. He’ll call or he won’t. By next week it’s not going to make much of a difference anyway.

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