The Mandate: What to do if all’s well in the relationship, except what happens in the bedroom

Written by The Mandate on . Posted in NY Press Exclusive, Sex & Relationships.


I’ve started dating someone and we get along really well. We have romantic dinners, great conversation and so much in common. Problem: the sex is well…boring. I’m a girl who likes to have fun in bed and I’m just not gelling with his…ahem, style. Do I run? Do I say something? Sex is important but I really like this guy!

It doesn’t sound like you really have a problem. It sounds like you have a friend… Or a puppy. Or a kitten for that matter. Maybe a well domesticated monkey, which should absolutely be a legal pet and companion.

“Sex is important,” for single people. It’s something that is craved, desired and needed. It sounds like you’re looking to nail this guy down to a solid future, a relationship (cue the scary music). In which case “sex” is not “important.” GOOD sex is important. Necessary really. If you’re unsatisfied in the boudoir, it’s going to lead to passive aggressive tendencies. It might manifest itself in snide quips that you brush off as a little joke, but it will then transform into bigger and worse problems and eventually one (if not the both of you) will feel very shitty and end things for good. No relationship. No friend. Not even a domesticated monkey.

If you are the introverted type who believes that it’ll be all hunky dory because you’ve got a really great guy to talk to, and hey, “what’s a vibrator for anyways?” Don’t be so smug. If you’re not enjoying yourself, eventually he’s going to catch on, which will lead to his lack of enjoyment. He’ll start questioning his abilities and feel like less of a man, and since men have too small of a brain to compute that this could in fact be their wrongdoing, he will take it out on you rather than himself. Or he’ll take it out on you verbally, and psychologically take it out on himself leading to a dinky winky when engines need to be a-booming.

Don’t fret, there are ways to deal with this. If you’re really clicking with this guy and want it to work, confront him. Dude sounds like a dreamboat, so I’m sure he’ll be able to have an adult conversation about matters in the bedroom. If he’s the sensitive (i.e. Macho) type, try talking about it in a way that sounds sexy. Suggest trying something different. Role play. Dirty talk. Whatever gets your gears in motion.

Of course you should also keep in mind that perhaps it ain’t his problem, which is NOT to say it is yours. Some people don’t have the chemistry, and if that’s the case nothing can be done. I don’t buy into the whole astrological sign vs. sign bull shit, but I do believe in bodies telling you what feels right and what doesn’t. Listen up, she might be trying to tell you something…

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