You’re asking me what the etiquette is for stripping down buck naked, with someone who is essentially a stranger to you, and doing the nasty on his Pabst stained Star Wars sheets? Um… use a condom? I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, sex on the first date IS NOT A GOOD IDEA. Our generation/culture believes that sex is something casual, because, like the little brain monkey robots “the man” has hoped we’d be programmed into, we’ve fallen for mass media and marketing. But that’s not a very sexy answer is it?
Get to know someone first. And no, asking if they have been tested before the act does not count as a Proustian interview. Unless this is someone you have known for a very long time and you guys are “giving it a try,” there is no possible way either of you could be comfortable going between blankets. Booze of course would take care of this, letting your inhibitions loose, but that most commonly ends with a 7 a.m. walk to Duane Reade for a little Plan B action. (Don’t act like it doesn’t.) And if you have known that person for a while and you are giving it a try, that is a major shift from: let’s go grab a beer and shoot some pool tonight friend-o.
Now, if you’re dead set on getting yours on that very first date, I can’t stop you. But I might be able to help you based on what you’re looking for. If you’ve been on the market too long and you’re looking for the GF clause, you’re knocking yourself ten steps back by jumping in the sack. “But we drank a lot, and he’s really hot and respects me.” If he respects you, he’ll respect your needing to wait. If he doesn’t respect that, he’s a chump. If you’re the chump and you’re looking to jump his bones ASAP, go against all post-coitus instincts. After you have sex, get out of there as fast as you can. He’ll try to make a whole kerfuffle about it, but have your BS meter on high. How is he saying, “But no babe, I really want you to spend the night”? Is there that high inflection in the back of his voice? Yup. That’s what we call lying. And that’s cool darling, because you’re not going to fall for it. You’re going to make him feel used, because every guy wants a little holding time after sex. They jostle, jab and joke about it, but if you leave him in that dark room alone, I guarantee he’ll curl up with a pillow so he can get some of that snuggle fever covered. This also (and I’m aware that this is retarded, but guess what, so are men) will make you seem cool. Like you are a hip little chick. Don’t need no man to make you feel whole. And in that message, the man will wonder if he could possibly ever be the man that you’d want to spend the night with.
In initiating the sex if, once again, you can’t control yourself. Gently let your gentleman caller know you are a sexual being, but don’t oversell it. You should not be talking about your view of sex as a fun thing you like to do. No. Be the strong, sexy, confident woman you are. Let them know that you are in touch with your sexuality. If you’d like you can say that you enjoy sex, but anything that might come off as “I get around,” can be dangerous, so play this one close to your chest. Be very subtle, with just enough innuendo that it gets his mind-a-movin’. If his mind is moving, you really should get out there, because you’ll be leaving him wanting more. It doesn’t matter whose place you go to, though, if your dude has a roommate you should really ask yourself if this is someone you want to have sex with. Grown man + roommate = some sort of trouble.
Now, if you’re just looking for a little slap and tickle, then go all out. Sex is fun and we sometimes crave it. If you’re just looking to get it out of your system, take your shots, talk about how much you love sex and take him home. It doesn’t mean anything tonight and it sure as hell won’t tomorrow.
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