The Mandate: How to get laid after a long, long, long dry spell

Written by The Mandate on . Posted in Sex & Relationships.


My friend hasn’t had sex in a long, long time, like almost a year. She is young, attractive, but has a really time consuming and emotionally draining job. How can she find a guy to break this dry streak if she isn’t a fan of a one night stand?

Wow, you’re not kidding. A year, that is a long, long time. Especially if your friend has the looks. I don’t mean to doubt your honesty, but maybe she isn’t as hot as you say she is. I mean… A year? In New York City? Seriously?

Ok, let’s say this isn’t a prank and that your friend really is young, attractive and somehow can’t seem to get laid. Has she really tried? The city is full of horny young men who will gladly sell their own mothers for a taste of the forbidden nectar. Just make sure she is wearing something moderately sexy (try to avoid anything like this), take her to a bar, any bar, and sit there. Yes, you heard me, sit there. That is all. Maybe giggle a little. Have a drink. You can be sure that you won’t have to pay for the next one.

Now, you do point out two important obstacles to a happy sex life. Let’s talk about the job first. Granted, there are a lot of jobs out there that make it very hard for anyone to have anything vaguely resembling a social life. But as long as your friend doesn’t study the apes in Cameroon (I hear it is a full time gig), she should have time for a drink at some point. What’s more, she might actually need it a lot more than the rest of us lowly mortals. As long as she doesn’t start talking about work with Mr. Potential Prince Charming, you’re good.

Ok, so, draining job, check. Now with the other, perhaps more threatening obstacle: the infamous one night stand.

I gotta ask, what do you mean when you say “she isn’t a fan”? Are we talking chastity belt for the first 5 dates, or does she just have a poster that says “If you put out he should call you” above her bed? Chances are, she’s just looking for a nice guy who will call her back, maybe take her out for some Chinese food and listen to her problems a little before savagely ravishing her. Don’t worry, those guys exist. Believe it or not, we are not all a bunch of sex-crazed animals who are incapable of having a decent conversation to save our lives. Just an overwhelming majority. Anyway, back to your friend…

You know what, screw this. I was about to give you a detailed, Machiavellian plan to make sure your girl gets laid no matter the circumstances, but really, this would be a waste of both our times. In truth, there is only one answer to your question: Tequila shots. That’s all you need to know. Get some tequila into her, and the universe will take care of the rest.

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  • al

    a year is a long time… and tequila is a good solution. Got any tips for a loser guy whos in the midst of a 3 year dry spell and can’t drink?

  • John

    that is a long time waayyyy to long

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