The Mandate: Can my friend breakup with her boyfriend over his small package?

Written by The Mandate on . Posted in Sex & Relationships.


Photo by flux.org.uk. Photo courtesy of Flickr Commons.

My friend spent forever having a crush on a co-worker. They finally get together and start dating. Bliss right? Well, apparently, his penis is small and impotent, and the sex is unsatisfying to say the least. Can she dump him even though she’ll see him everyday? And is dumping someone over a small, impotent penis valid?

 

That’s cold. But I get it. Having never dated a man with a small penis, I can’t really relate, but I get it. Sex is important. Vital even. A relationship with bad sex is like a vegan burger. It looks nice, but really, it tastes like crap. So bad sex or no sex at all is definitely a red light, unless the guy is filthy rich and you’re a gold digger. But that doesn’t seem to be the case. Moving on.

Let us consider the moral dilemma here. Dumping someone on the grounds that he has a “small and impotent” engine is not very nice. I’m going to go ahead and say that it might even hurt his feelings a little. On the other hand, your friend isn’t going to force herself to stay with the guy just to spare said feelings. I can guarantee you an unhappy ending to that one too. But let’s see if we have room for compromise here.

You say your friend had a crush on the guy for a long time. I therefore assume that those two share some sort of connection. They may not be soulmates, but they probably have things in common, laugh together, get along well, that sort of things. It would in effect be a shame to dump the perfect guy just because his penis doesn’t seem to work properly. If she really likes him, she should give him a chance. Who knows, maybe he’s got some incredible hidden talents? Maybe he’s a great cook. Maybe he can play the trombone while doing backflips. Or maybe he gives great oral?

But no matter how much of a sweetheart the guy is, I have to agree that absence of sex would eventually cripple this relationship. But maybe they can work on that too. How many times have they done the nasty (or tried to)? Maybe he was really nervous or preoccupied with something (yes, guys have feelings too sometimes). Or maybe he’s into that kinky stuff. Erectile dysfunction is rarely a physical problem, and it may be up to your friend to make him feel comfortable. Who knows, once he gets started, he may be one of the greatest lays of all time. And if he still sucks, at least she would have given it her best shot.

Moving on to your other question. You (legitimately) wonder whether a break up will lead to office awkwardness. Honestly, it probably will. Working with your ex is never something to look forward to. However, things can go from slightly awkward to unbearably uncomfortable depending on how the breakup is executed.

Ok, let me tell you something here. You probably know this already, but I feel like a reminder wouldn’t hurt. When a guy’s manhood is questioned, he becomes a wounded animal. Terrified, and ready to bite. If he’s going down, he’s taking you with him. So for both their sake, have your friend sugarcoat that breakup talk.

Here’s some ideas on how to handle it. My personal favorites include “God spoke to me in my sleep,” “Let me tell you about my sex change” and of course the classic “I think my father is an ostrich”. But a simple “It’s not you it’s me” will do. Anything, really, that doesn’t have the words “small”, “impotent” and “penis” lined up in the same sentence. He may not believe you, he may get all confrontational (“What do you mean an ostrich?”), but his honor will be intact. He is thus a lot less likely to try and sully your friend’s reputation at work.

Most important of all, your friend must never, ever tell her coworkers what really went down. I mean, she obviously told you, but I’m assuming that she’s your BFF and shares all of her deepest secrets with you. Well, that’s fine. But if that happens at work, soon enough everyone will know. And the impotent crush will turn into a wounded animal, and retaliate the best way he knows how: by calling her a slut. Talk about office awkwardness.

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