The Holy Trinity . . . Duo . . . Trinity? Noah Wunsch on the trifecta of celebrity deaths

Written by Noah Wunsch on . Posted in NY Press Exclusive.


The Band's s Levon Helm.

If you’re a famous person you better be ducking your head… unless you’re Lindsay Lohan, any of the Kardashians or a household of “Housewives,” then please, go for a walk on a friggin’ lightning rod. Ladies and gentlemen, one of the more exciting time capsules of our time is taking place right now, the trifecta of celebrity deaths! Now I know what you’re thinking, “Oh my god that’s totally insensitive of him.” Yeah. It is. It’s super insensitive. But wasn’t your first response when Michael Jackson died, “F-ck off!” Or did you skip that and go straight to texting everyone in your phonebook, hoping you’d be the initial barer of bad news. We live in the 21st century and everything is social media saturated so we understand that something is wrong, but it just sort of melts into the whites of our eyes as we tap, tap, tap away, reading all the obituaries we can find on google news. Take a seat to your left.

So, for those of you who don’t know, Dick Clark did not outlast the cockroaches. In fact he didn’t even out last you. He kicked the jukebox and gave into that big ol’ dance floor in the sky. So let’s mark this down, we’re going to count Dick Clark as a TV personality for this category. I’m aware he was originally a concert promoter, and that’s what gained him much of his fame, but for the trifecta, that does us no good. Kaput. TV personality.

We have one TV personality and then we’ve got Levon Helm. “Who’s Levon Helm, Noah?” Shave your face, smack it a few times and then go die. Levon Helm was the man behind the sticks, the jamming helm of The Band. “Oh you mean, like, the band that Martin Scorsese made that totally rockin’ doc about?” Yes, that band. THE BAND. Clearly, he goes down in the books as a musician, which is why Dick Clark goes down as a TV personality. We got our Farrah Fawcett in the form of Dick Clark (I had a poster of him over my bed as a young kid) and we have our Michael Jackson in the form of Levon Helm.

Now, because these two old timers are a little “outdated,” I’m gonna have to say that the last member of the trio to die is gonna be super random. It’ll be someone you didn’t even know was alive still. Maybe Don Rickles. Wait, is Don Rickles still a live? Or it could be a random politico from the 80’s Dan Quayle is still alive. He’s only 65, but he killed Bush senior’s presidency, so maybe it’s time for someone to kill him. A mid-80’s star, or early 70’s king could OD on some blow this weekend. That dude from “The Blue Lagoon,” was swimming around reality television for a while. He did that phenomenal show hosted by Scott Baio, “Confessions Of A Teen Idol.” I’ve never wept so much in my life watching those raisin wrinkled men talk about the heyday of their lives. ANYONE from that show could die. In fact, I’m going to hedge my bets on one of their heads. They made me cry once, one of them is gonna make me cry again soon enough.

There’s also something I haven’t yet factored into this debate. Could these two specters be following the trifecta that Whitney Houston started? Readers… What do you think? Use the comment board below and tell us who you think is next in line.

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