The Gangsta Institute

Hey you out there. Yes you. Are you tired of being in debt? Living paycheck to paycheck? Is the crack game not what it's cracked up to be? Are bullets zinging by your head and lodging in the side door of your car?

You've tried selling bootleg CDs and DVDs. Stealing car radios can be such a headache. And the last thing you need is five-muthafuckin'-oh watching your ass like gangbusters. It's time for a career change. It's time to think about the Gangsta Institute of the Rap Arts.

In today's highly selective market, you're going to need the tools that will push album sales into the platinum stratosphere while also keeping your street cred intact.

At the Gangsta Institute of the Rap Arts, we'll teach you that and so much more. With small classes and hit-making beat producers like Dr. Dre, Timbaland, Scott Storch, Just Blaze and Kanye West by your side, it won't be long before the cracker suburbs of North Dakota are humming along to your gritty street tales and r&b hooks. But we don't stop there. Learn how to build an impressive backstory of obstacles you faced in getting a record released: Korean grocers, stick-up kids, petty thugs and, of course, the Man. We'll show you how to create a narrative arch that takes you from a shoot 'em up-what's-mine-is-mine into an urban street soldier that wants to do good in this world.

After a long day of working on lyrical flow, sit in on classes that will teach you the ins and outs of launching your own clothing line and snagging endorsements with big-time athletic-gear companies. Past graduates have scored sneaker deals with Nike, Adidas, British Knights and Puma.

At the Gangsta Institute of the Rap Arts, we believe in a future other than slinging the crack rock or having a nasty jump shot. During the evening we'll have you facing your foes in a battle of lyrical wits. While improving your ability to rhyme the phrase "up in da club," we'll show you how to dig deep into your enemy's personal life and come up with the proper dis. Our on-site instructors have decades worth of experience between them in dissing all kinds of people. Most important, we'll show you how to use violence as a way to get publicity.

Our recent alumni, including 50 Cent and his nemesis the Game, have gone on to reach the greatest of industry heights. What are you waiting for? Remember, we can't call you. Text or dizzle us at 1-800-M-O-M-O-N-E-Y. A mansion next to Martha in lily-white Connecticut awaits you.