There is basically one completely, totally unassailable rule in Italian food: don’t mix fish and cheese. Linguine vongole? Don’t you dare put parm on that. Ever hear of shrimp lasagna? No, and for good reason.
So who decided to put lobster in macaroni and cheese? I get that at some point, the bandwagon committee had exhausted the list of ways to tart up the now-ubiquitous dish (three cheeses! FIVE cheeses! truffles shaved grotesquely overtop, like the fallout from an explosion at the manure factory), but what sick bastard came up with lobster?
Sure, the King of Shellfish ™ goes well with butter, but that’s a cheap cop-out. A sofa cushion goes well with butter. That’s butter’s job. Lobster is best served with an acidic counterpoint, something to temper its richness and let your palate breathe. Without that foil, it’s just a one-note sledgehammer of fat, bashing you into gluttonous submission.
I’ll make you an offer, bar owners, restaurateurs and those considering all-mac-and-cheese food trucks: if you promise to cut it out with the bullshit luxury ingredients, I’ll promise not to grouse about paying $20 for a dish that came straight off the kids’ menu. Deal?
The only thing you should add to Regan Hofmann’s mac and cheese is sliced hot dogs. She is on Twitter @Regan_Hofmann.
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