The 52 Funniest Things About The Upcoming Death of The Pope

Written by Matt Taibbi on . Posted in Breaking News, Posts.

52.Pope pisses himself just before the end; gets all over nurse.

51.After death, saggy, furry tits of dead Pope begin inexorable
process of melting away into nothingness, like coldest of Sno-cones under faintest of suns.

50.Pope survives just long enough to be acquired by Isiah Thomas
for Stephon Marbury, 2005 #1 pick and cash considerations. “We feel like we’ve made ourselves younger
and more competitive,” Thomas says.

49.After beating for the last time, Pope’s heart sits there
like a piece of hamburger.

48.Whole world waiting until the last minute for a sudden improvement
of his condition. Long lines of girls in the Philippines kneeling and praying. Catholics everywhere
with ears pressed to radios, transfixed. Pope gives one last groan, spits, dies.

47.Upon death, Pope’s face frozen in sickening smile, eyes wide open
and teeth exposed, like a baboon.

46.Beetles eating Pope’s dead brains.

45.Pope departs Earth at a time when Hitch is top-grossing movie
in the world.

44.Gurgling sound during embalming process; real fluids in dead Pope’s
body sucked out into jars.

43.POV Dead Pope: Last glimpse of overcast Italian sky as coffin lid
closes for last time.

42.Get used to that quiet sound.

41.Humming old Polish folk song in there. That kills three minutes.

40.Humming it again, this time getting the words right. Another three

39.Can’t move. Can’t reach penis.

38.Somebody taking my job. My job!

37.Getting a little stuffy.

36.Naming all the different types of fish. Flounder, halibut, perch,
goldfish, basking shark…no, do the sharks separately…really stuffy in here, gar, swordfish,
manta ray, eels… No, don’t think about eels. Eels are scary. Boy, is it dark in here. Four minutes
gone by.

35.Doctor applies fingers to neck to check expiring Pope’s pulse. Pope’s
ear falls off.

34.In heaven, Pope keeps wrapping cars around telephone poles.

33.Silverfish pops out of dead Pope’s vestment for a moment, immediately
ducks back in.

32.Priest who administers last rites to Pope excitedly calls mother
afterward to tell her how well it went.

31.Dead Pope, still with baboon face, wheeled through corridors of
Gemelli Polyclinic in Rome, learns answer to Great Mystery.

30.Michael Jackson too broke to buy Pope’s bones.

29.New Pope inevitably ambitious cleric burning with earthly vigor
and secret desire to undo dead Pope’s legacy.

28.Bears everywhere shitting in woods.

27.We’ll never get to hear his hilarious post-tracheotomy rendition
of “Come on Eileen.”

26.Pope recovers and survives until 2009; New York Press columnist
Matt Taibbi beheaded by passing garbage truck, March 2, 2005.

25.LexisNexis search on phrase “the inner workings of the Vatican are
shrouded in mystery” temporarily crashes system; Eric Alterman unable to search for press references
to “What Liberal Media?” for 37 consecutive hours.

24.Pope spends last hours surrounded by cardinals who stand glaring
at him with folded arms, silently reminding him of the political necessity of clinging to life.

23.Doctors examining the body discover that the Pope was not only a woman,
but also Hitler.

22.Mankind scrambles to choose new leader of inflexible, sexually
morbid institutional anachronism; heretofore anonymous bureaucrat will instantly be celebrated
as world’s holiest man as he travels to AIDS-stricken Africa to denounce the use of condoms.

21.Telltale white smoke emitting from Vatican chimneys announces
a) choice of new Pope, and b) the fiery death of the 5000 back issues of Manscape and Hung
that had accumulated in the Vatican lobby.

20.Hall and Oates mulling comeback.

19.To the end, the Pope could only think of the poor and the downtrodden.

18.When he died, he stopped thinking of the poor and the downtrodden,
and his face was frozen in that baboon smile, and he thought of nothing at all.

17.In his last days, the Pope was in tremendous pain.

16.NBC Nightly News intern pulls wrong tape from drawer full
of long-ago archived video obits; world thinks Boris Yeltsin has died, wonders why Brian Williams
is calling him an “inspirational spiritual leader.”

15.Williams, after broadcast: “Who’s Boris Yeltsin?”

14.Matt Lauer to Williams: “He wrote the Contract for America.”

13.Just before death, Pope sits up in his bed, shrieks, his body bursts
into flames; everyone runs from the room.

12.Sequoia, birch, maple, willow, palm, oak, pine, fir, mapleNo,
wait, I said maple already…

11.Hello my baby, hello my honey, hello my ragtime gal

10.You dirty rat. You dirty, double-crossing rat… Proxima estacion:
. Tenga cuidado de las puertas deslizantes… It means woods and blanche
means white, so the two together mean white woods… L’tat c’est moi! Don’t think about eels, don’t think about eels…

9.Bush on the tragic event: “Our thoughts and prayers go out to this great
man and all of his many children.”

8.Bush continued: “He touched all of us in places no one else could reach.”

7. According to ancient tradition, the slamming shut of the Bronze Door
in St. Peter’s Square announces the death of the Pope.

6.Normal Vatican schedule closes that door at 8 p.m. every night and
reopens it in the morning.

5.According to numerous reports, if the Pope dies at night this time,
no one will know what to do. (This is not a joke.)

4.In 1958, reporters paid off Pope Pius XII’s physician to throw open
the hospital room window when the Pope died.

3.When a monsignor threw the window open to get some air, the Pope’s death
was erroneously reported all over the world.

2.This is what happens when weird old men in dresses communicate with
the world with doors and chimneys.

1.Throw a marble at the dead Pope’s head. Bonk!