Two apartments, both alike in furniture from Ikea…

We all come to Valentine’s Day with baggage—and not just the red, heart-shaped kind that’s full of chocolates. In honor of the holiday of lurve, I thought I would tell my favorite modern love story.

Our story begins with two unlikely lovers, pushed together by fate—and one very crowded subway car. From the moment they met, when Juliet found her face pressed into Dan Romeo’s sweaty armpit on the jolting F-Train, they behaved like two pups that had just tasted meat for the first time. They were insufferable—no!—inseparable.

Then one night Romeo and his friend Ben Volio went to meet Juliet at their favorite spot, Bar Verona, where she waited with her cousin Ty Balt—on her mother’s side—who had just moved to New York. However, when Romeo and Ben Volio arrived, a drunk dude tripped good ol’ Ben V. and Romeo, ever the good friend, stepped in to defend him. Well, one thing led to another, for you know how things go, and soon Dan Romeo could show his face at Bar Verona no mo’.

As fate would have it, the drunk gentleman in the fight was none other than Juliet’s cousin Ty. Hearing of Ty’s black eye, before his big corporate interview the next morning no less, Juliet’s family ordered her never to see that Dan Romeo again.

Given that the next day was Valentine’s, Juliet’s mother arranged a date with her friend’s son, Jeremy Paris Jr., instead. Desperate and dreading that fateful arrangement, Juliet sat in her room weeping, hoping Dan Romeo would show up, text or at the very least drunk-dial. When he did not, she imagined the worst.

She pictured him out with that two-bit ho’ Rosaline, who used to text him “Where 4 art thou Romeo?” late at night. In a fit of despair, Juliet picked up her phone and dialed 1-800-COOKIES.
When the cookies arrived, warm and gooey in their pizza box, she climbed back into her quilted tomb where she wept and ate. She took a long slow sip of milk and let the mustache sit atop her quivering upper lip.

Within minutes, she was fast asleep underneath the pizza box of cookies. A sweet escape, she felt no more pain.

Suddenly there was a knock at the door. Drunk Romeo! He knocked once, twice, three times to no avail. Could it be, was Juliet out on a date with that jerk Jeremy Paris Jr.? He remembered the spare key in the stairwell and opened her door, poised to await her return and take on JP Jr.

But what was this, Juliet asleep in her bed? What innocence! And yet why was her stomach so full? What frothy white mustache? The hard cookie rinds left in the box. Ah, woe! Let me join you in that sweet saving sleep!

With that, Romeo finished the rest of the cookies, licked the last of Juliet’s milk mustache, and collapsed beside her with one final “mmm.”

Just then Juliet’s phone made a buzz. Ah ha! She awoke. My Romeo?! But alas, it was JP Jr. confirming the details of the next night. Ah woe, woe to have such—what is this?! There she saw Romeo, asleep to her side. My love!

She hugged him close, but his stomach made a sound. That telltale churning. She smelled the peanut butter on his breath. Oh Romeo, to have joined her food coma a moment too soon!

She reached her hand across his chest and felt something hard. A box of Valentine’s chocolates—oh, what saving grace! With one final kiss, she ate the chocolates, every last one, and atop him she lay, stomach aching and full.

And so, I shall say, think wisely before you eat your Valentine’s Day troubles away. For never was a story of more indigestion and regret, as that of Dan Romeo and his true love, Juliet.

SHAKESPEARE’S LADIES
Just about all of Shakespeare’s characters are iconic symbols of the human condition,
and the same can be said of the heroines within his tales. The experimental Shakespeare ensemble Dark Lady Players will be performing Shakespeare’s Annunciation parodies Sunday, March 25, at 5 p.m. at West-Park Presbyterian Church, 165 W. 86th St. The event is free to attend and will feature actors portraying Juliet, Desdemona, Olivia and Ophelia in part-comic religious allegories for the Virgin Mary.
WILD BIRDS NEED CASH
The Wild Bird Fund’s wildlife rehabilitation and education facility, located on the Upper West Side, will be NYC’s first wildlife rehabilitation and education center. To raise money  for equipment and medical supplies, the fund will host “Wild Bird Fund Takes Flight,” Tuesday April 3, 6:30–9 p.m., at “Birdie” Vanderbilt’s mansion at 60 E. 93rd St. The group is hosting a multitude of events that evening, including a speech from acclaimed author Jonathan Franzen.

Other events will include a self-guided tour of the historic Vanderbilt residence and the Carlton Hobbs antiques gallery, a video tour of the new center, a performance by Dzul Dance, jazz renditions by Jennifer Dudley of the song “It’s for the Birds,” a showing of baby birds, squirrels, owls and hawks, a silent auction and hors d’oeuvres and wine. Tickets are $100 and can be purchased by contacting Beverly Mastropolo at 917-848-0044 or online at http://bit.ly/GCXNPr.

FAMED DEBATERS ON GOD, GAYS AND GUNS
On Thursday, March 29, Dr. Cornel West and the Rev. Osagyefo Sekou will host a discussion about Sekou’s new book, Gods, Gays, and Guns: Essays on
Religion and the Future of Democracy, at West-Park Presbyterian Church, 165 W. 86th St. West is one of the nation’s most prolific authors and a known critical activist who participated at Occupy Wall Street last year. Sekou is considered one of the most influential religious leaders of the current generation. His work as an on-the-ground activist has landed him in post-Katrina New Orleans and the World Culture Center in Berlin. There is no advance ticketing and doors open at 6:30 p.m. For more information, call the Rev. Bob Brashear at 646-541-3329.

LOCAL COUNCIL CANDIDATE HIRES BIG GUN
Ken Biberaj, the latest candidate to declare for the soon-tobe-vacant Upper West Side City
Council seat, has hired veteran political consultant firm Sheinkopf Ltd. to work on his campaign. The hire signals a serious move from a largely unknown candidate; Hank Sheinkopf has worked on many high-profile political campaigns, like President Bill Clinton’s re-election and Mayor Michael Bloomberg’s last election.

“As an Upper West Sider myself, I’m thrilled to work with a candidate who has such a compelling vision for the neighborhood’s future,” said Sheinkopf in a statement.

“We’re working hard, speaking with voters and small business owners to convey my campaign’s message,” Biberaj said.

Biberaj previously told the West Side Spirit in an interview that one of his top priorities is to get out in the community and introduce himself. Biberaj, who serves as vice-president of the Russian Tea Room and works in commercial real estate, is up against three other candidates who have each served on Community Board 7 and
are arguably more familiar faces on the Upper West Side.

JAPANESE RHYTHM: Taiko drummers from Soh Daiko perform during Japan Fest at the American Museum of Natural History. Visit www. nypress.com for more photos of the group in action. Photo Credit: Andrew Schwartz

FREE TAX HELP ON THE UWS

Sitting down to go over the taxes is an event most would equate with torture. However, residents of the Upper West Side can rest easy with several free sessions that condense the processes behind filling out tax forms. The AARP will host a number of sessions at several libraries and community centers during tax season to educate the public about filing their taxes:

• The Bloomingdale Library, 150 W. 100th St., will host classes every Friday through April 13 from 10:30 a.m. to 2:30 p.m. Call 212-222-8030 for more information.

• The Morningside Heights Library, 2900 Broadway, will host a session every Monday and Saturday through April 16 from 10:30 a.m. to 2:30 p.m. Call 212-666- 5099 for more information.

• The Riverside Library, 127 Amsterdam Ave., will hold classes every Thursday through April 12 from 11 a.m. to 3 p.m. Call 212-870-1810 for more information.

• The Project FIND Hamilton Senior Center, 141 W. 73rd St., will hold classes every Tuesday through April 17 from 10 a.m. to 2 p.m. Call 212-787-7710 for more
information.

• The West Side Campaign Against Hunger, 263 W. 86th St., lower level will hold classes every Tuesday through April 17 from 10 a.m. to 12 noon and 1 p.m. to 3 p.m. Call 212-362-3662 for more information.

• Community Tax Aid at Goddard Riverside Community Center at 647 Columbus Ave. near 92 Street will cater to single adults with income of up to $25,000 or families with income of up to $45,000. Bring last year’s tax forms and other relevant documents. Class will be held every Tuesday through April 10 from 6–8 p.m.