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Juice. Cleanse. Are any two words in the English language more hated? More feared? More cringe-inducing? No, “The Holidays” don’t count. That’s one word because you don’t count “the” in the – you know what? Forget it.

Anyway, I hope you’re ready to burn some money – I mean FAT – because we’re doing a pre-holiday juice cleanse!

How to survive a juice cleanse:

1. First rule of the juice cleanse – don’t talk about the juice cleanse.
2. Just kidding, talk about it endlessly! No one should NOT know that you’re doing a juice cleanse.
3. Be sure to choose your juices wisely.
4. The thicker the better. You shouldn’t be able to see through that juice at all.
5. Stick to the brown colored juices that have “chocolate” or “milk” in the title.
6. What? Yes it’s a juice – cow juice. Shut up.
7. Also acceptable ingredients are almonds, coconuts, dates, any variety of nut or nut butter, straight up butter. You know, to balance the acidity.
8. Don’t pay attention when the salesperson starts pushing those watery green juices. If we’re really trying to flush out toxins here, watery juices aren’t going to move SHIT. Literally.
9. If they tell you the calories in the brown chocolate-date-almond-milk-juice, they’re LYING. They just don’t sell enough of those gross clear juices and you look like an easy mark.
10. If you insist on trying the watery ones, at least opt for those with fruit.
11. Assuming they provide nutritional information, be sure to check the sugar content. The more sugar it has, the better it will taste. Plus it’s fruit sugar, not chocolate or something.
12. What? No, I was talking about chocolate JUICE before and yes of course it’s healthy they SELL IT HERE, DON’T THEY?
13. Fine. Why don’t you try this teeny green shot of grass juice then? Wheatgrass, eh? That sounds right up your alley!
14. Oh! You don’t like that, do you?
15. Always be sure to keep those reusable bags they give you. Those are not just because they feel guilty for charging so much – those are barf bags. You know, for anyone who has never tasted chlorophyll and tries to be a hero.
16. If you insist on torturing yourself with the murky vegetable waters, be sure to drink them as quickly as possible. Don’t exhale until it’s all down.
17. Don’t burp. Dear god, don’t burp.
18. Make sure the juices are as cold as possible. The colder they are, the less you will taste them.
19. That funky vegetable one should practically be frozen. In fact, try freezing it, breaking it into little pieces, and then swallowing them whole.
20. Once your reach the third “meal” of your cleanse, you may start to consider eating things you might not otherwise.
21. Put down the cat.
22. Take that pencil out of your mouth. I don’t care if they no longer use real lead in them.
23. When you get truly desperate, start wearing the same clothes you wore earlier this week. Try on the sweater you wore for that cheeseburger on Wednesday.
24. Sniff sniff. Ahhh, that’s the stuff.