By Kristine Keller

Downtown dating is like the root canal process—painful while you’re going through it but the end result leaves your sensory nerves feelin’ good. And sadly, there’s no quickie fix for that painful pearly white procedure. There is, on the other hand, a fast way to land suitors in the date-o-sphere, which is why a bevy of singletons have discovered the allure of speed dating. Like most first conversations, speed daters might ask “so, what do you value most in a relationship?” to which a secure person might respond “honesty and loyalty.” There are those who take a different approach in their answer: “I value a partner who calls and texts 20 times a day, Instagrams a picture of me and my dog in the morning, faxes me at night, and pins my face all over his Pinterest in the afternoon.” Reeling from that, the person sitting across might then snap fast and yell “NEXT!”

During a recent speed dating exercise, psychologists noted that a process known as attachment could explain interactions of this sort. Attachment theory maintains that a relationship with one’s caregiver early on in life largely determines one’s social and developmental upbringing. Those raised in reliably nurturing environments with caregivers who responded to their every need grow up “securely attached.” When these infants were hungry, they were fed; when they cried, they were shown consistent care and attention. As a byproduct, these infants grew into secure and trusting adults. The kind of adult you want sitting across from you during a lighting fire round of “How many times do you expect your boyfriend or girlfriend to call you in a day?”

Those raised under the roof of unpredictable caregivers who exhibited inconsistent care might become “anxious-ambivalent attached” adults. These children came from caregivers who were at times interested and warm, but then unavailable and distant. We have these unpredictable caregivers to blame for the stage-five clinger. Anxious-ambivalent adults are excessively needy, clingy, and constantly need validation and approval from others. They also demand constant communication with their honey for fear of abandonment—and aren’t afraid to be upfront about it during first rounds of speed dating.

Lastly, there’s the “avoidant attached” person, whose caregiver rarely responded to their distressed calls and ignored their needs entirely as infants. It’s the avoidant adult who eschews intimacy entirely due to failing to form an emotional bond with one’s caregiver early in life. It’s also the avoidant-attached person who is at risk for developing severe interpersonal problems, like lack of empathy, callous, unemotional responses and other psychopathic symptoms. A caregiver’s sensitive and responsive nature towards children serves as a model for empathy in a healthy reciprocal relationship. Without this model, children who didn’t form a secure attachment with their caregiver fail to develop the skills for a healthy functioning relationship. This person might be cold and aloof at a speed-dating jaunt having only shown up at the coercive prodding of pushy friends.

When it comes to these speed-dating soirees, NYC daters are quite savvy and intuitive when making judgment calls. Those deemed “securely” attached adults by psychologists were more favorably rated by potential suitors. Unsurprisingly, those categorized as insecurely attached were given poorer marks. The good news is that these styles of attachment can change depending on our interpersonal experiences in life. Just as a bad breakup might make a securely attached dater turn anxious-ambivalent, a positive experience could turn an avoidant-adult into a diehard romantic. And lucky for us—it’s easier to change an insecure style into one that’s secure than vice-versa. So daters of every attached-type, take heart—we’re never done evolving and changing. And eventually one of these quickie-dating episodes will blossom into a longer-term affair and if anything, that’s something everyone can feel security from.

Kristine received her master’s in psychology from NYU. She currently works at Vanity Fair. E-mail her at StreetShrinkNYC@gmail.com for questions.

Sean Lowe, star of ABC’s ‘The Bachelor,’ weighs in on everything from the ideal date to mistakes women make in their search for the perfect mate.

By Angela Barbuti

Sean Lowe will be alone this Valentine’s Day—but don’t feel bad for him just yet. The 29-year-old recently finished taping a season of ABC’s The Bachelor, where he had his pick of 26 women, all vying to win his heart. His quest for love is being aired every Monday night, with America watching as his personal life is made public. Lowe, a Texas native, was chosen for The Bachelor after competing in The Bachelorette last year, where he was the third from last contestant to be sent home. Immediately pegged as the “nice guy,” ABC rewarded Lowe for his sincerity—and six-pack abs—by selecting him as Season 13’s bachelor. He can’t tell us whether or not he found a soulmate, but definitely speaks from experience when he says, “When you meet the right person, you’ll know.”

Everyone calls you a nice guy. Do you think that’s a good assessment?

[Laughs] I think I am a nice guy. I had no idea that’s how I’d be perceived after doing The Bachelorette. Usually the adjectives that are used are ‘genuine’ and ‘sincere.’ I never really thought of myself in those terms. It’s cool that America does see that. I don’t go out of my way to be a nice guy. I’m the man that my parents brought me up to be. But I would rather be a nice guy than a jerk, I guess.

You are dating multiple women on national television. What do your family and friends think?

I think they’re really enjoying it. Of course, if anyone is allowed to make fun of me, it’s my family and friends—and they certainly do that. It seems like every Monday night they’re calling me, ragging about something I said or did. It’s all in good fun and they’re all proud of me, I know they are. I think I made them proud not only through my actions, but just the way I presented my family during this whole process.

You’ve been on some really lavish dates on the show. What is your ideal date?

Not the typical ‘Bachelor’ date. I don’t need the extravagance or the exotic settings, although that’s really nice and I’m glad I had the chance to do it. My ideal date is just something simple. I want to spend as much time with the woman as possible. Take her to a place that allows us to talk, someplace where we can really get to know each other.  That could be an intimate dinner at a romantic restaurant or dinner at my house that I prepare, or it could be just a walk through the park.

Did you expect all the drama that happens this season?

[Pauses] No, I did not. I was actually oblivious to a lot of it. [Laughs] You know, Tierra is certainly the name that’s been talked about most frequently lately and I had no idea that that was going on in the house. Outside of a few murmurs from girls who basically just said, “Well, we really don’t like Tierra.” And I would ask them, “Okay. Why? Give me some examples.” And they really couldn’t come up with any. So watching the show on Mondays has been eye-opening for me because I just didn’t know this stuff was going on.

Which moments were most memorable?

The first night was a really surreal moment. I’ll never forget Lindsay coming out in a wedding dress or Ashley, the Fifty Shades of Grey girl, who was just completely over-the-top and drunk.

What surprised you most about being “The Bachelor”?

You know, I was shocked it only took me a few weeks to really start developing relationships with multiple people. One of my greatest fears coming into this was that I really wouldn’t find a connection with anybody and it would be a waste of time. But after those first couple of weeks, I found myself really falling for AshLee and Des and Sarah. I was overwhelmed by how many great women were on the show.

Are you allowed to tell us what you’re doing on Valentine’s Day?

I can answer it. I’ll be in Dallas not doing much of anything, to be honest with you. If I have a Valentine, I wish that I could spend it with her. But obviously I can’t say if I do or don’t. I’m just going to be celebrating the day by myself.

Do people recognize you around Dallas?

Everyone is always so nice and that’s why I never turn down someone who comes up and asks for a picture. People normally say, “We were rooting for you and heartbroken when it didn’t work out with Emily. We think you’re such a nice guy and can’t wait to watch you this season.” It’s gotten really crazy and that’s one of the drawbacks from doing this whole thing. I would rather be able to go to the grocery store or out with my friends without being stopped. That’s not the case these days.

You have a degree in social science. Has that helped you on “The Bachelor”?

[Laughs] I would like to think that my social skills are above par.

What are your future plans?

It’s hard to say. I love my business and I’ll definitely be part of Factory Girl over the course of the next decade or so. It’s a business I own with two partners. We do custom furniture, handbags, all kinds of stuff. We’re basically targeting women; they’re our main demographic. That’s the exciting part of life for me. I don’t know where I’m gonna be in 10, 15 or 20 years and I like that. A year ago I would never have imagined that I’d be where I am today.  I guess I’ve learned not to map out my future, because as soon as you try to do it, God has other plans for you.

What advice would you give single girls looking to settle down?

I would say, don’t try too hard. I find that a lot of women overanalyze the smallest things that guys really are not paying attention to. Like, “how come he hasn’t texted me back? It’s been almost three hours now.” Meanwhile the guy’s probably out doing something and just lost track of time. I think as a rule, it’s better to just relax and be yourself.

Watch Sean on “The Bachelor” Monday nights at 8 p.m. on ABC. 

Two apartments, both alike in furniture from Ikea…

We all come to Valentine’s Day with baggage—and not just the red, heart-shaped kind that’s full of chocolates. In honor of the holiday of lurve, I thought I would tell my favorite modern love story.

Our story begins with two unlikely lovers, pushed together by fate—and one very crowded subway car. From the moment they met, when Juliet found her face pressed into Dan Romeo’s sweaty armpit on the jolting F-Train, they behaved like two pups that had just tasted meat for the first time. They were insufferable—no!—inseparable.

Then one night Romeo and his friend Ben Volio went to meet Juliet at their favorite spot, Bar Verona, where she waited with her cousin Ty Balt—on her mother’s side—who had just moved to New York. However, when Romeo and Ben Volio arrived, a drunk dude tripped good ol’ Ben V. and Romeo, ever the good friend, stepped in to defend him. Well, one thing led to another, for you know how things go, and soon Dan Romeo could show his face at Bar Verona no mo’.

As fate would have it, the drunk gentleman in the fight was none other than Juliet’s cousin Ty. Hearing of Ty’s black eye, before his big corporate interview the next morning no less, Juliet’s family ordered her never to see that Dan Romeo again.

Given that the next day was Valentine’s, Juliet’s mother arranged a date with her friend’s son, Jeremy Paris Jr., instead. Desperate and dreading that fateful arrangement, Juliet sat in her room weeping, hoping Dan Romeo would show up, text or at the very least drunk-dial. When he did not, she imagined the worst.

She pictured him out with that two-bit ho’ Rosaline, who used to text him “Where 4 art thou Romeo?” late at night. In a fit of despair, Juliet picked up her phone and dialed 1-800-COOKIES.
When the cookies arrived, warm and gooey in their pizza box, she climbed back into her quilted tomb where she wept and ate. She took a long slow sip of milk and let the mustache sit atop her quivering upper lip.

Within minutes, she was fast asleep underneath the pizza box of cookies. A sweet escape, she felt no more pain.

Suddenly there was a knock at the door. Drunk Romeo! He knocked once, twice, three times to no avail. Could it be, was Juliet out on a date with that jerk Jeremy Paris Jr.? He remembered the spare key in the stairwell and opened her door, poised to await her return and take on JP Jr.

But what was this, Juliet asleep in her bed? What innocence! And yet why was her stomach so full? What frothy white mustache? The hard cookie rinds left in the box. Ah, woe! Let me join you in that sweet saving sleep!

With that, Romeo finished the rest of the cookies, licked the last of Juliet’s milk mustache, and collapsed beside her with one final “mmm.”

Just then Juliet’s phone made a buzz. Ah ha! She awoke. My Romeo?! But alas, it was JP Jr. confirming the details of the next night. Ah woe, woe to have such—what is this?! There she saw Romeo, asleep to her side. My love!

She hugged him close, but his stomach made a sound. That telltale churning. She smelled the peanut butter on his breath. Oh Romeo, to have joined her food coma a moment too soon!

She reached her hand across his chest and felt something hard. A box of Valentine’s chocolates—oh, what saving grace! With one final kiss, she ate the chocolates, every last one, and atop him she lay, stomach aching and full.

And so, I shall say, think wisely before you eat your Valentine’s Day troubles away. For never was a story of more indigestion and regret, as that of Dan Romeo and his true love, Juliet.

Stop me if you’ve heard this one before: Valentine’s Day is a Hallmark sham, a manufactured non-holiday dreamed up in a craven bid to sell out-of-season roses in the middle of the long, dark winter. Singles hold this trope up like a string of garlic to ward off the vampiric specter of couples’ bliss, while longtime partners wearily use it to rationalize spending another night in sweatpants on the couch.

They’re right, to a point. There is nothing about Feb. 14 that demands plush hearts, teddy bears and cupids, boxes of chocolate and bouquets. But the original Saint Valentine made his name centuries ago when, right before his execution, he sent one final love note to his lady, signing it “From your Valentine.” Since then, the saint’s day has been a catalyst to fess up your true feelings, whether to a secret crush or the spouse you tell to empty the dishwasher more than you tell them how important they are. It’s a tradition that’s lasted more than 500 years—why mess up a good thing now?

Unfortunately, when it comes to dining on the day, too many restaurants fall back on the menu equivalent of the Russell Stover assortment: the caviar-steak-chocolate cake prix fixe. Rather than fall for this scourge of the Valentine-industrial complex, take a moment to consider the things that make your relationship unique, and do something meaningful to you. Go out for a meal that’s outside your usual routine, try a place you’ve been talking about for months, or stay in and cook something more complicated than pasta and jar sauce. Still not sure where to start? We’ve got you covered.

Was your first date a trip to the underground Flushing food court? Are you on a shared mission to try food from every country in the world? Head for Yunnan Kitchen (79 Clinton St., yunnankitchen.com), which specializes in the cuisine of this still relatively unfamiliar region of China in an atmosphere more conducive to hand-holding than most linoleum-lined Chinatown dens. Light, veg-focused fare that emphasizes unusual ingredients is the M.O. here—try the chrysanthemum salad.

Have kids? You’ve most likely been eating any meals out at ungodly early hours, in brightly lit barns that have room for tantrum throwing and crayon flinging (not that your kids do these things, of course). Do a 180 and have a Spanish night out at the tiny, dimly lit Txikito (240 Ninth Ave., txikitonyc.com). Arrive as late as you can stand to stay up—dinner in Spain doesn’t ever begin before 9 p.m.—and graze on the Basque specialty, pintxos, one- or two-bite toasts topped with everything from artichokes to foie gras.

Use V-Day as an excuse to restock your sugar high? Go for a three-course dessert meal at Chikalicious Dessert Bar (203 E. 10th St., chikalicious.com). Their seasonal approach to sweets means the menu is currently stocked with wintry options like hot caramel custard soup and butternut squash ice cream brûlée, all guaranteed to change the way you think about dessert (and keep you bouncing off the walls for hours).

Single? Take a page out of Amy Poehler’s Parks & Rec book and make it a gal-entine’s day (pal-entine’s day?). OK, you don’t have to go so far as embroidering faces on pillows, but there’s no reason not to take the day as an opportunity to appreciate whoever is special in your life, whether it’s your group of high-school besties or the people at work who listen sympathetically whenever Brenda in HR makes your life miserable. Crowd around a table at the wood-lined Rye House (11 W. 17th St., ryehousenyc.com), and raise a glass of the titular spirit (or bourbon, or scotch) from an extensive menu that’s helpfully organized by tasting notes. Bonus: This is probably the least crowded this cozy but decidedly un-romantic spot will ever get, so stretch out and enjoy the leg room.

No matter your circumstances, there’s a way to celebrate the holiday without inducing gags or yawns. This year, make sure old St. Valentine didn’t die in vain.

BeYourOwnPimp.com has released the results of another survey, this time educating us all on the most desirable traits for heterosexual men in New York City.

The site asked 9,345 of its female members to rank the qualities they want in a male partner in the categories of Income, Education, Hair Color, Eye Color, Body Type, and Vice.

Before we consider the results, let’s break that down a bit.

The number of respondents represents roughly 0.2 percent of women in New York City, but more importantly, it represents only women who would sign up for a dating service where men literally bid on how much cash they will give to a woman for a first date (in addition, of course, to paying for the date). Someone please explain to me how this is different than an escort service. I am not being facetious.

Secondly, let’s ponder the qualities we are singling out here as worthy of ranking, and note what’s missing. Income and education, I get. Hair and eye color, not so much. Sure, everyone has their preferences, but who ever turned down a date with someone attractive because they have blue eyes instead of brown? Body type, sure. Vice (meaning how much do you smoke/drink) can definitely be a dealbreaker, so fine. But what are we leaving out? Kindness? Intelligence (which can’t be found on a degree)? Sense of humor? Faithfulness? MarioKart high score? Feelings on family life and fatherhood? Political leanings? Empathy? Values? Credit score, even?

The survey reveals that The Perfect Man(TM)  ”earns $150,000 to $200,000 a year, obtained a Graduate Degree, has brown hair with green eyes, an athletic build, and is a social drinker who doesn’t smoke.”

In other words, this guy:

Photo via Flickr/byronv2

Sometimes a lady just wants to enjoy a glass of wine, some candlelight, and a little ambient activity without the bother of making plans or, quite frankly, conversation.

Unfortunately, ever since Eve solo-drank her first Appletini and damned us all, visiting even the coziest bar alone and unbothered has become nearly impossible. Until now. So pull up a barstool, swirl your Syrah, and order that charcuterie board – you’re not going anywhere.

How to visit a bar alone and in peace:

1. Be a dude.
2. If Step 1 is within reach, you may stop reading and go directly to your bar of choice. If not, read on.
3. Stop showering. Give it a few days.
4. As for what to wear, where do I begin? You know best what looks worst on you. Wear that.
5. If you’re truly lost – or for some strange reason don’t own unflattering, man-repelling clothes – I’d be happy to lend you some.
6. When entering the bar, go straight to an open seat. Look for one next to a built-in barricade, like a column, or another loud woman.
7. Order two drinks.
8. This makes it look as though you may have company after all. Perhaps he or she is using the facilities. It’s been an hour but perhaps you guys just finished dinner at an Indian restaurant. Perhaps he or she simply suffers from IBS. Regardless, once IBS is out there, no one will be hitting on anything.
9. That second drink also makes it impossible for anyone to buy your next. Even if they do manage to get past your IBS-suffering boyfriend in the bathroom.
10. And if you’re worried about getting drunk and taking advantage of yourself, make the second drink a Shirley Temple.
11. Drain your face of all emotion. Pleasant indifference is your companion for the night.
12. Resist scowling at the guy who keeps trying to make eye contact from across the bar. Your scowl, his invitation.
13. If someone does approach, just start acting really fucking weird.
14. Take any usual filter and drop it in that cute little tea light. Watch it go up in flames and describe how you’re “drifting into smoke and ashes, like the memory of loves lost in labors unfound.”
15. In fact, mention love. A lot. Like, until he leaves.
16. Everyone will expect you to bring a book. They know the trick, and they’ll use it against you. Bring a whole stack of books instead.
17. Inevitably, someone will purse his lips, furrow his brow, and say, “That book any good?”
18. Eh, you’ll say. Don’t think you’d like it. “Try me,” he’ll say.
19. Well, it’s about a girl who goes to a bar to read her book.
20. He’ll smirk and tilt his head at your witty banter – how playful! – but you’ll continue.
21. No one will just let her fucking read, you’ll say. So she finally puts the book down and talks to the man. The two of them leave together. To his place. But then, before he can even slip his key into the lock, comes the climax: she stabs him. Dead.
22. “Bye,” he’ll say. Take care, you’ll say, as you motion for another glass of wine and turn the page.

Stacks of cash not required.

Dudes, don’t let a tight wallet keep you from love, or something like it.

How to impress a lady on a first date for under $20:

1. “Forget your wallet.”
2. Feign upset and embarrassment.
3. “Find $20 in your pocket.”
4. Feign relief and good fortune!
5. Resolve to have The Best Date Ever using this, and only this, $20.
6. Blush when your date finds this playful and endearing.
7. Congratulations, now you can shamelessly make a game out of being cheap and seem all the more fun and creative for it.
8. When choosing a restaurant, think: small plates. This translates to lots of ambiance and little portions, so you and your date can share a spoonful of garnish for $13 and still have enough left for their cheapest, finest table wine.
9. What? No table wine?! Then you can forget about a tip!
10. (You didn’t have enough for a tip anyway.)
11. Flirt with the waitress while your date is in the bathroom. Ask her if she thinks the date is going well. Look cute and nervous.
12. Keep pushing the (tap) water on your date. New York’s finest! Roll your eyes at the waitress as she visits the Ladies Room yet again.
13. Explain your embarrassing(ly scheming) situation to the waitress. Maybe she’ll take pity and bring you free drinks. Your date will marvel at your power of persuasion and won’t even notice that you’ve been hitting on the waitress all night.
14. After a few sips of wine, tell your date she seems drunk – in a cute way! – and that you really appreciate her low tolerance. People have such high tolerances these days!
15. So now your date is done drinking for the night, but what should – hmm, is that her stomach growling or yours? Damn that garnish was light. Baby Cornish Game Hen Parsley Wraps sounded so hearty.
16. Don’t panic. Ask for some nuts to level your blood sugar. Blame it on your “diabetic” date during her next bathroom break.
17. Now that you’re thinking clearly, provoke the steaky guy at the table next to you.
18. Bump his chair and insult his girlfriend under your breath when you walk by. Then deny, deny, deny.
19. Enjoy the free duck spring rolls that come as a sorry-you-were-assaulted-in-our-establishment consolation dish. Make sure tax and gratuity are added after that’s been comped.
20. Request some extra mango dipping sauce, for your date. Who cares if she’s sitting right there and didn’t ask for it? She’s super picky.
21. Okay, so things aren’t going so well anymore. Your date is feeling violently ill from overhydration and wants to go home.
22. All is not lost! Once you walk her to the subway – and ask for a MetroCard swipe – you can return to the restaurant, sit at the bar, and flirt over free drinks from the waitress.
23. Two dates for under $20? Now I’ve really outdone myself.

It’s the kind of thing that happens to all of us now and then.

Just the other day, I was having lunch with a somewhat imposing young film student to talk about the possibility of his doing a YouTube video to promote my novel. He was both handsome and British, which is a combination that tends to unnerve me. He was describing a particular kind of film montage technique and I was trying hard to follow him.

“You know what I mean,” he was saying, “It’s what ______ often did at the beginning of all his early films.” The student dropped the name of a director who, I could tell from the confident tone of the student’s voice, I was supposed to know. So I murmured “Uh-huh,” though I had no idea at all who this director was.

This kind of bluffing can be risky, even though in many instances failing to confess one’s ignorance will cause you no trouble—the reference is touched upon briefly, the conversation goes on to something else and no one is the wiser. However, in this case, we stayed on the subject of said director for some time. The result? I felt lost, with a growing panic inside even as I smiled and nodded. And of course it is much worse to confess after five minutes has passed. Every second you let the pretense go on, the more ridiculous you feel when you have to admit, “Actually, I don’t know what you are talking about.” I was a prisoner—a prisoner of my lie.

There are many reasons why pretending you know something you don’t is a bad idea. The two most important of these are: 1) You are no longer a full participant in the conversation, because you are, to a certain extent, faking it. The quality of the conversation is affected, especially as you are now spending some of your energy trying not to get caught. And 2) You may actually get caught, when your conversational partner suddenly asks you something specific about the subject at hand. (“Which is your favorite of his films?”) And getting caught pretending to know about a book, a director, a town in Italy, a trendy restaurant or a politician can be much more embarrassing than acknowledging your ignorance in the first place.

It’s better to come clean. For one thing, if you admit your ignorance, the other person gets the pleasure of enlightening you. Most people like to teach people things; it makes them feel slightly superior. You are also indicating to the other person that you are actually listening to every word he is saying, that you are committed to having a meaningful conversation, not one where you just skate through. You are willing to sacrifice your ego for the benefit of the exchange.

After all, whatever the reason that you are having this conversation—with the possible exception of a job interview—it will be more successful if you are connecting as honestly and as fully as possible. And you can’t really do that if you are only partly aware of what the other person is trying to say. If the other person is describing how a particular author made her feel when she was young and you only pretend to know the author in question, you are not going to be able to empathize as much as you should.

Some people in this situation will interject something like, “Wait—have I seen her/him/it in the news recently?” in the hope of getting enough additional information that it will either jog their memory or they won’t really need to know more to continue the conversation. Others will just change the subject as soon as they can.

But ultimately, covering up takes too much energy and confessing is the best way to become better informed. After your initial embarrassment, you will feel relieved at not having to pretend. The other person may even respect you more for admitting you don’t know what they are talking about.

At lunch with the film student, I finally steeled myself, looked right into his handsome face and said, “To tell you the truth, I actually don’t know that director. I don’t know why I said I did, actually.” (I tend to use the word “actually” a lot when I am with Brits.)
“Oh, he’s fairly obscure,” he responded with a reassuring smile. And then he went on to describe exactly the kind of opening montage he meant when he brought the director up.

I vowed right then and there to try never to fake it again. There is too much to learn and too little to lose.

Jeanne Martinet, aka Miss Mingle, is the author of seven books on social interaction; her latest book is a novel called Etiquette for the End of the World. She can be reached at JeanneMartinet.com.

Amy Laurent on her new book and TV show, Miss Advised

By Beth Mellow

On the rocky road to love, many of us are guilty of getting emotionally attached too quickly, drunk texting at 2 a.m. or letting an undeserving ex back into our lives. In the hopes of becoming smarter daters and finding “the one,” we turn to relationship experts to advise us and matchmakers to help us find someone with whom we’ll click.

But would you choose a matchmaker who is guilty of the same dating faux pas as you, who is single and still on the hunt for true love?
Apparently many would, as Amy Laurent’s booming matchmaking business indicates. The thirtysomething singleton who calls the Upper East Side home has been in business for seven years and currently operates offices in New York, Los Angeles, Miami and London. Additionally, since Laurent appeared on Bravo TV’s Miss Advised, a docu-series that ended its season on Aug. 6 focused on the personal lives of three single relationship “experts,” she claims that her services are in more demand than ever. “I’ve seen an uptick in business. Applications for men and women have increased since the start of the show,” she said.

Laurent speculates that the expansion of her client roster has to do with the fact that viewers relate to her.

“What’s interesting is that while I’m out having a drink or at the gym running on the treadmill, women approach me and ask, ‘Are you that girl?’ They tell me that they totally get what I’m going through,” she said. “I think they identify with me in the sense that, like a lot of other women, I am a workaholic and I’ve gone for long periods of time when I don’t even have a date.”

In addition to the series spotlighting the day-to-day at Laurent’s office, it opened a window on her personal life. Viewers were along for the ride when her notorious ex-boyfriend, AB (pronounced “Abie”), who had left her for a job in Saudi Arabia, returns and Laurent, without hesitating, accepts an invitation to see him. On her blog, she admits that she would advise her clients against doing exactly what she did, then ponders, “So what the hell happened to me?”

Laurent continues to open up about her relationship foibles in her new book, 8 Weeks to Everlasting: A Step-by-Step Guide to Getting (and Keeping) the Guy You Want (St. Martin’s Griffin, 2012). In the book, she provides practical advice on how to manage the early, precarious part of a relationship, providing examples from the love lives of clients and friends as well as her own experiences. At one point, she discusses her brief relationship with a television writer named “Quinten” for whom she made herself too available, saying yes to any date, even if it was last minute or inconvenient.

“I’m just like you when it comes to my own heart, but when it comes to guiding you, I’m going to be clearheaded. I’m devoted to it,” she continued coyly. “I think I focus on getting people across their obstacles so I don’t have to deal with my own.”

Laurent realizes it might be risky to her business reputation, but felt it was important to honestly portray herself in her book and on the show. “I’m a very real person and I really thought, I’m so tired of all the experts out there creating this myth that we’re perfect,” she said.
Not only has Laurent used her romantic life as a source to draw from when advising clients, it was her dating experiences that attracted her to matchmaking in the first place. The East Coast native was in her twenties, living in Los Angeles and eager to meet guys. After scoping out a few ads for matchmaking services, she applied to a couple and was disappointed in the men she was paired with.

“Women didn’t pay for the service, so, because of that, I felt that I wasn’t really listened to. I thought more consideration was given to the guys because they were paying clients. I knew that there were things I would do differently if I had my own matchmaking service,” said.
Dissatisfied with her sales job at a custom brokerage, Laurent started her matchmaking company with the goal of making happy matches for both the men and women who enlist her help.

“The women don’t pay for my services, but I listen to them as much as my male clients and consider their thoughts and feelings as just as important,” she said.

Her approach, according to her company’s statistics, has been working. To date, Laurent’s matchmaking has resulted in 27 marriages, with an 80 to 85 percent success rate in finding relationships for her clients. Also, though men pay to be part of the service, Laurent and her team don’t accept poor behavior. In her book she admits to jettisoning one client for making lewd comments to dates and saying sayonara to a guy who would “grill the girls in a passive-aggressive way.”

While Laurent’s reputation for being a fair-minded matchmaker has been great for business, she admits it’s not always great for her already imperfect dating life. She explains that discussing her profession with a potential beau at a cocktail party can be awkward. “I think it’s very intimidating for a lot of men,” she said. “A lot of guys think I will be analyzing them and that it will be weird.”
Nevertheless, Laurent continues her own pursuit of love and sees the television show and book as learning experiences.

“You don’t have to be perfect to be ready to date, but you have to be open and honest. It’s been scary and I felt vulnerable, but I had to be honest with myself,” She said.

For further information about Laurent, visit amylaurent.com. Her book, 8 Weeks to Everlasting, is in bookstores and available at Amazon.com.

“Who are you, Gidget?” I asked in amazement. “Who finds romance at the beach in real life?”

But then I thought about it. The truth is, if you can get past the whole “I look horrible in a bathing suit” feeling—and can bring yourself to unplug from your iPhone for long enough—the beach is a perfect place to mingle. People at the beach are already relaxed and in pleasure-seeking mode, not to mention that everyone is semiclothed.

And so, inspired by my friend Elizabeth and with a nod to Gidget, here are some of Miss Mingle’s hottest tips for those who want to lend Cupid a helping hand this summer:

Location, location, location: Choose a beach where there are likely to be other single people. Also, place your towel and chair in a crowded section of the beach—near the surf line—rather than in a more secluded spot. This is like positioning yourself near the food table at a party—where the action is, rather than against an out-of-the-way wall.

Hunt the Stray: People who are by themselves are easier to approach than groups, especially straight men; something dreadful happens to straight men when they are male bonding. And if you should notice that great guy before you have committed to a spot, try to arrange your towel or chair so he is between you and the ocean. That way, you can not only check him out thoroughly, you can also pass him on your way to and from frequent dips. After a while, you will seem like old friends; your neighborly smile can extend to comments like “The water is so cold!” and “It’s heaven in there.”

Eavesdropping: This the most common beach pick-up technique, also known as the “Fade-in.” Listen carefully to what’s being said by two or more strangers and—at an appropriate moment—make a pertinent remark, as if you had been there all along. Often it is the lone man who will insinuate himself into women’s conversation, so girls, if you think he’s listening, be sure to allow him an opening.

The Art of Observation: This is the perfect tactic if you are alone and so is she. Making a nonpersonal comment is safe and unobtrusive. Dogs, kids, things in the sky and things in the water make perfect subjects for casual conversation. “Excuse me, but does that look like a shark out there?” is always certain to get her attention.

Surf or Turf?: When asked whether they are more likely to strike up a conversation with a stranger in the water or out, most women will choose dry land and men water. Women say they feel they look better on their towels or in their chairs, with their hair and suits dry. I find this surprising, since I myself feel much more confident with the lower half of my body submerged. But hey, that’s just me.

I find water conversation preferable, because the common activity of swimming creates a sense of camaraderie. After all, you’re in there together. More important, it is much easier to abort the conversation when you are in the water—just ride a wave or quietly sink.

If you are feeling adventurous—remember, Gidget wasn’t above a few tricks, and she always got her man—try:

The Exhibitionist: Build a large sand castle or a sand sculpture and see who comes to watch. Don’t worry if you attract children; there are plenty of divorcees out there.

Old-fashioned Girl: Ask him to help you with your beach umbrella or a bottle that won’t open.

The Flatterer: Approach her with “OK, I know I’ve seen you on TV.” Or tap him gently on the shoulder and say, “Excuse me, would you mind keeping half an eye on me while I am in the water? You look like a strong swimmer.”

Risqué Business: Ask him or her to apply sunscreen to your back.

The Accidental Tourist: If you should be lucky enough to be knocked by a boogie board into an attractive person’s waiting arms or tumbled together in a crashing wave, quip “We’ve simply got to stop meeting like this!” or “I think I just fell for you.” Or even “In some countries, we’d have to get married now.”

OK, I’ll see you out there. I’ll be the one packing the extra Coppertone.

Jeanne Martinet, aka Miss Mingle, is the author of seven books on social interaction. Her latest book is a novel, Etiquette for the End of the World. You can contact her at JeanneMartinet.com.