By Kristine Keller

Downtown dating is like the root canal process—painful while you’re going through it but the end result leaves your sensory nerves feelin’ good. And sadly, there’s no quickie fix for that painful pearly white procedure. There is, on the other hand, a fast way to land suitors in the date-o-sphere, which is why a bevy of singletons have discovered the allure of speed dating. Like most first conversations, speed daters might ask “so, what do you value most in a relationship?” to which a secure person might respond “honesty and loyalty.” There are those who take a different approach in their answer: “I value a partner who calls and texts 20 times a day, Instagrams a picture of me and my dog in the morning, faxes me at night, and pins my face all over his Pinterest in the afternoon.” Reeling from that, the person sitting across might then snap fast and yell “NEXT!”

During a recent speed dating exercise, psychologists noted that a process known as attachment could explain interactions of this sort. Attachment theory maintains that a relationship with one’s caregiver early on in life largely determines one’s social and developmental upbringing. Those raised in reliably nurturing environments with caregivers who responded to their every need grow up “securely attached.” When these infants were hungry, they were fed; when they cried, they were shown consistent care and attention. As a byproduct, these infants grew into secure and trusting adults. The kind of adult you want sitting across from you during a lighting fire round of “How many times do you expect your boyfriend or girlfriend to call you in a day?”

Those raised under the roof of unpredictable caregivers who exhibited inconsistent care might become “anxious-ambivalent attached” adults. These children came from caregivers who were at times interested and warm, but then unavailable and distant. We have these unpredictable caregivers to blame for the stage-five clinger. Anxious-ambivalent adults are excessively needy, clingy, and constantly need validation and approval from others. They also demand constant communication with their honey for fear of abandonment—and aren’t afraid to be upfront about it during first rounds of speed dating.

Lastly, there’s the “avoidant attached” person, whose caregiver rarely responded to their distressed calls and ignored their needs entirely as infants. It’s the avoidant adult who eschews intimacy entirely due to failing to form an emotional bond with one’s caregiver early in life. It’s also the avoidant-attached person who is at risk for developing severe interpersonal problems, like lack of empathy, callous, unemotional responses and other psychopathic symptoms. A caregiver’s sensitive and responsive nature towards children serves as a model for empathy in a healthy reciprocal relationship. Without this model, children who didn’t form a secure attachment with their caregiver fail to develop the skills for a healthy functioning relationship. This person might be cold and aloof at a speed-dating jaunt having only shown up at the coercive prodding of pushy friends.

When it comes to these speed-dating soirees, NYC daters are quite savvy and intuitive when making judgment calls. Those deemed “securely” attached adults by psychologists were more favorably rated by potential suitors. Unsurprisingly, those categorized as insecurely attached were given poorer marks. The good news is that these styles of attachment can change depending on our interpersonal experiences in life. Just as a bad breakup might make a securely attached dater turn anxious-ambivalent, a positive experience could turn an avoidant-adult into a diehard romantic. And lucky for us—it’s easier to change an insecure style into one that’s secure than vice-versa. So daters of every attached-type, take heart—we’re never done evolving and changing. And eventually one of these quickie-dating episodes will blossom into a longer-term affair and if anything, that’s something everyone can feel security from.

Kristine received her master’s in psychology from NYU. She currently works at Vanity Fair. E-mail her at StreetShrinkNYC@gmail.com for questions.

Don’t let the title scare, you, folks. I’m not presenting a “system” here. Personally, I’ve never seen a chart or graph designed to help me organize my life that I didn’t intentionally ignore. “Systems” designed by experts never seems to consider my life or personality. They seemed like cardboard cutouts, made for some dream life. Textbook examples often don’t take real life into account. My response to most “systems” would be a quiet, internal “You are not me.”

That being said, tips and thoughts from people whose lives have closely mirrored mine, in at least some aspects, have been generally welcome. I like stories. I like knowing how people make their lives work. If ideas are presented to me that way, I feel the flexibility of personalities and lifestyles blending, and that makes suggestions sound less like demands that I “shape up” and act like other people. I can then assimilate the story, take what works for me and ignore the rest—guilt free.

So, please take my suggestions in that manner. I’ve discussed some ideas with other caregivers, including those who care for elders and one man who cares for a child with disabilities. Our time management techniques aren’t that different. When we care for vulnerable people, we are all much alike.

Expect the Unexpected 

For me, the need to be prepared for anything is mandatory. During my heaviest caregiving years, I cared for two children, one with multiple health problems, plus multiple elders. During their last years, several of my elders lived in a nearby nursing home, while I worked full time, so that care was a blessing. I could visit daily, but still know they were cared for while I worked at my “real world” job.

However, a call to my work phone could mean that I needed to leave work to meet one of my elders at the emergency room, or that my son was very ill. It could mean something as simple as one more errand to run for one of my elders, or that it was time to plan hospice care for an elder. I must say a ringing phone can still, at times, be a scary thing for me, triggering a reaction much like the old days when people thought a telegram meant only one thing: someone had died. Knowing I was somewhat prepared for an emergency did have a calming effect to some degree. It still does. Here’s a little sample of my “plan.” Improvise to figure out what works for you.

My employer allowed me to take vacation by the hour, so I hoarded vacation hours for emergencies and for medical appointments for my care receivers.

I shopped as though I was preparing for a disaster, buying multiples of everything any of my care receivers could possibly want, because they always seemed to want what they wanted immediately, and something inside of me made me think I had to deliver. When my mother died, I threw out three—yes three—bottles of the makeup she liked. Shall we say I was a bit excessive about this?

I kept food around that my son could make for himself, should I be called away to tend to one of the elders, which happened frequently. Again, I often threw out my over-stocked food items, but having all needs met for each individual made me feel better prepared, which meant I felt less frantic.

I filled prescriptions as soon as the insurance companies allowed, knowing that a day could come when one person needed a prescription filled and I was too tied up with the needs of another to run to the store and get that errand done.

Many of us have a to-do list that is so long we feel overwhelmed. That is sometimes called analysis paralysis. Say, your mom wants you to go through her closet and get things organized, but your kids need a school project finished and only you can help. Your employer wants you to get rolling on a “fresh, new idea,” while the Medicaid papers for your dad are sitting on your desk at home. All of the projects are important. Where do you start?

Prioritize

That may seem obvious, but it does help. Make a list, yes, but don’t worry about perfection. Make the list flexible. But do write things down. That helps. I find that crossing off just one thing—even something as simple as getting the special shampoo dad needed—crossed off my list, made my day seem a little easier.

Bite off chunks

Realize that everything you do doesn’t have to be done completely or perfectly. The Medicaid forms need to be filled out accurately, but you don’t have to do it all in one day. The closet cleaning can be done imperfectly. Just do enough to make your mom feel that you are tending to her needs. Let the rest go.

Learn that good enough is good enough. Each and every thing you attempt doesn’t have to be perfect. Expecting myself to do everything perfectly can be my biggest time waster, as I can’t get started if I think I have to do it all to perfection.

Lower your standards

Yes, your mom kept a spotless house. Well, maybe that’s what she did during the day. You are working for several people here. Give yourself a break. Rarely has dusty furniture killed anyone.

Find shortcuts that make you feel better

A quick neatening up, even if it means tossing stuff in a closet, can help some people de-clutter their minds. That can bring some peace. Let the true de-cluttering wait until your life is a little smoother.

Less is more

Try to help others learn this, too. Getting rid of “stuff” and not replacing it can be freeing. I know this is a hard concept to pass on to someone who can’t let go of anything, especially an elder who is now forced to give up so much. But if you live your life with that philosophy, without trying to impose it on others, you may find some of that mentality gets absorbed through osmosis.

Taking Care of Yourself 

In a way, time management is a way of taking care of ourselves. Efficiency in “doing for others” may actually leave us a little time for ourselves. Frankly, for most of us, if we don’t do anything to take care of ourselves, even if it’s finding 20 minutes to take a nap, we’ll become less efficient with everything else, and that can cause a downward spiral. Perhaps, taking care of ourselves should be first on our “time management” list. I thought of that, actually. But I figured everyone would laugh and quit reading.

Do try it, however. Most of us are better people, and better caregivers, if we have a little time to do something we enjoy. Our burning out won’t help anyone. If we look at our priority list, we can surely find something that we can put lower on the list, and scoot up our own health care or mental health break a few notches. If we do that, the other time eaters may fall into place, or get so low on the list we can let them drop off, like dust when we shake a rug.

Good luck with your own list and please let us know if you have other time-saving ideas.

Article courtesy of AgingCare.com, a leading website that connects people caring for elderly parents to other caregivers, personalized information and local resources. AgingCare.com has become the trusted resource for exchanging ideas, sharing conversations and finding credible information for those seeking elder care solutions.

Caregivers are often so focused on managing their parent’s health and financial needs that they don’t even think about their own future needs. Although your focus is on providing care for your loved one, it’s important to think about and prepare for your own future financial and caregiving needs. If you haven’t done it already, now is the time to start planning for own your retirement.

“It’s hard to find the time, but planning for your financial future is a necessity,” says Erika Mielke, a Wells Fargo Private Bank senior wealth planning strategist. “Thinking about the dollars and cents of your own retirement is the best way to ensure you have the funds you need as you age.”

Mielke suggests these tips to help caregivers plan for their own financial future.

Take full advantage of employer programs

If you or your spouse is employed, make sure you are taking full advantage of the financial programs your employer offers. Some examples:

• 401(k) – The 401(k) is set up by your employer and is designed to help you save (and build) money for retirement. The money you contribute to your 401(k) is pooled and invested in stocks, bonds, mutual funds or other types of investments. You choose the type of investment from your company’s list of options. Usually your contribution is deducted from your paycheck before taxes and goes directly into your 401(k) account.
• Company matched contributions – Many companies will make a matching contribution to your 401(k). Your employer might match 10 percent, or even 100 percent of your contribution to your retirement account. This is like getting a bonus, so it pays to put in as much as you can afford. Understand how your employer is matching contributions. Some will match your contributions with company stock. As a result, a large portion of your investment will be in company stock. “Diversification is important. As a general rule, you don’t want more than 10 percent of your net worth in any one asset,” Mielke says. Check with your HR department on rules and restrictions for re-balancing your funds, which would enable you to sell some company stock and re-invest it.
• Flexible Spending Accounts (FSA) – Depending on the type of health plan you have, you may be eligible for a flexible spending account. An FSA lets you set aside money, and the funds are taken out of your paycheck before taxes. You can use the account throughout the year to get reimbursed for eligible health care and dependent care expenses (including elderly parent care expenses) However, FSAs are set up and owned by the employer, so how much you can contribute is determined by your employer. If you change jobs, you can’t take your FSA with you. Also, you must use all the money in the FSA by year-end, or you lose it.
• Health Spending Accounts (HSA) – If you have a high deductible health plan, you are eligible to create an HSA. An HSA has different rules than an FSA. The maximum a family can contribute annually is capped by the IRS at $6,250. It is a bank account that you own and you can invest it as you choose. You can only access the amount of money that’s in your account. When you start contributing – in January for example – you will have less money than you’ll have later in the year. An HSA is not “use it or lose it” meaning if you don’t spend all the money in the account by year-end, it rolls over to next year, and you can take it with you if you change jobs.

Explore alternatives

The IRS caps the amount you can contribute to your retirement plans at $16,500. That includes 401(k), 403(b), IRAs, etc. Once you have contributed the matching amount to your 401(k) and if you are able to contribute more, then you will want to explore whether to add more to your 401(k) or whether an IRA might be good for you. Depending on your income, a Roth IRA might be a good choice because the money goes in after you’ve paid taxes. The money grows over time, and when you take it out, you don’t pay taxes on it again.

Don’t “set it and forget it”

Whether you have your money in 401(k), IRA, company stock or any other investment option, keep tabs on where your money is being invested. Too many people make a choice when they sign up for the plan, then let it ride, and never make changes to it. “Don’t set it and forget it,” Mielke advices. “Be involved in how your money is allocated. In most cases, as you get closer to retirement, your portfolio should be shifted to include less risk.” She recommends having a conversation with a financial advisor. If your plan is administered by a financial firm, find out if they have advisors you can speak to. If not, hire one yourself. It’s a critical step in financial planning.

Think about long-term care now

“Caregivers are on the front lines of seeing first-hand how much long-term care facilities cost,” Mielke says. However, too many don’t think about their own long-term care needs. Long-term care is an insurance policy that covers costs that arise when a person needs on-going care including home care, hospice care, nursing home care or care in an assisted-living facility.

Mielke says the best time to buy long-term care insurance is usually in your 50s. That’s when the prices are the best, but it can still be affordable after that. Before you buy, know the terms, and fully understand the policy you choose. Some questions to ask about any long-term care policy you are considering: What are the maximum daily benefits? How long will coverage last? Is coverage transferable between spouses? If you don’t use it, does it turn into life insurance? Does the policy take inflation into account?

Insurance

Another aspect of financial planning is insurance. Do you have the right type of life insurance? There are many different options, such term or whole life available, and finding the right type depends on your personal situation.

Property and casualty is another insurance caregivers should consider. If other caregivers are caring for your parent inside the home, how are they insured? What if they are injured? What is the liability to the homeowner? “Getting umbrella coverage with your property and casualty that is equal to your net worth is relatively cheap, and it prevents against your net worth being wiped out due to an accident,” Mielke suggests.

Legal documents: Key to financial planning

In addition to building a solid financial base, caregivers must have legal documents in place, such as financial power of attorney, healthcare power of attorney, and a will. Each document serves a specific purpose. For example, POA indicates what will happen if you are incapacitated and unable to make decisions for yourself while you are alive. A will covers how your estate is handled when you die. The various financial documents work together to ensure your wishes are carried out.

Legal documents coordinate with financials – which is why they are a key part of good financial planning. Make sure you work with an expert to ensure everything is titled appropriately and that the POA, will, and life insurance documents are examined in conjunction with financial planning documentation.

Not all financial planners are created equal

When it comes to financial planning, don’t go it alone. Every state has different rules; IRS regulations are constantly changing; and legalese can make even the savviest consumer’s head spin. It’s best to work with a professional who will take the time to understand your goals and individual situation and advise you accordingly.

However, not all financial planners are created equal. Some financial planners are tied to specific companies, products and services. These organizations tout “free financial planning assistance.” However the financial planner you work with is incented to sell you that company’s products and services. They are being compensated for the products they sell. A better option might be to find an independent financial planner that is not tied to a particular financial firm. They charge a fee for their services, but you will get unbiased advice, and find the right products for your needs.

Article courtesy of AgingCare.com, a leading website that connects people caring for elderly parents to other caregivers, personalized information and local resources. AgingCare.com has become the trusted resource for exchanging ideas, sharing conversations and finding credible information for those seeking elder care solutions.