Photo via Flickr/Lynn Friedman

Clubs can be pretentious, exclusive, elitist and silly. Then, there are strip clubs. Offering equal opportunity under unflattering lights, buried feelings, and shifty eyes, strip clubs are the embodiment of the new American dream, where anyone with a wad of sweaty bills and slumped shoulders can join in watching other people do what they only avoid seeing in the mirror.

The same goes for guys and girls, of course, and should that day come, when you find yourself convinced, ambushed, or excitedly volunteering to enter those hallowed concrete walls, I want you to be prepared. Prepared not for the scandalous nudity and raw sexuality – please – but for the uncomfortable emptiness and ambivalence that fills the air.

How to Visit a Strip Club like a Lady

1. Whatever you do, don’t blush.
2. Like blood in shark-filled water, blushing will only attract the deadliest of attention.
3. There is nothing more irresistible, enticing, and challenging to a stripper than a bashful target. You present zero threat and will pay them nicely, if only to leave you alone.
4. To cover any unavoidable blushing, I recommend applying several layers of your thickest foundation.
5. If, like me, you’re scared of foundation, a thin layer of Silly Putty also does the trick. Simply find – or blend! – the color closest to your skin tone, stretch thin, and start pressing!
6. Watch the air bubbles. What was fun to pop as a kid can be quite disturbing to those around you. When you’re wearing it like skin, that is.
7. Mom jeans: confusing to the average stripper and male alike, mom jeans provide a force field that masks any potential sex appeal.
8. You may have mixed feelings about them now, but come 2:23 a.m., when there are two pairs of boobs coming directly at your face, and oodles of horny old men watching from a distance, Mom jeans will be your best friend and only defense.
9. Mom jeans also remind strippers – and, more importantly, those old men in sweatpants watching from the bar – of their own mothers and in turn make them feel embarrassed and ashamed, or simply not aroused. We hope.
10. Either way, that tapered leg, gentle fade, and girding waistband will keep you hidden behind the safe projection of everyone else’s childhood issues, which is where you are wisest to remain.
11. Avoid sparkles, sequins, glitter, or anything else that might attract a spotlight-like reflection. Actually, you shouldn’t be wearing any of these under normal circumstances either.
12. Wear glasses, fake ones if you need to. You will be wearing them not to disguise yourself but so that the lenses might fog up enough to hide the fear in your eyes.
13. If you can’t find fake ones, borrowing someone’s very strong prescription pair can at least help you better detach yourself from your surroundings.
14. Should you not wish to invest in a new, unflattering wardrobe for this adventure, a bit of advance research can easily accomplish the same effect.
15. Getting some insight into exactly whose assless chaps will be bent over you will allow you to interrupt with a simple “How are those Computer Programming classes going?” or “How’s Binky’s paw healing?”
16. She (or he) will either be creeped out enough to leave you alone all night, or ready to sit down and chat.
17. Bring a LOT of chewing gum.
18. If none of the above steps are working, stick as much gum in your mouth as possible, slide it all to one side and do your best Jimmy Stewart. “Ah you’re real shwell shweetheart but a lap danshe would be washted on the likesh of me.”
19. At the very least, you’ll deflect the attention away from yourself long enough for it to land on some poor unsuspecting Brother of the Bride who got dragged to the bachelor party.
20. You will notice that, like your visit to the cloob should be, this list is short and sweet.
21. Now order another round of drinks for everyone, and run.

It’s been an exhausting couple of weeks. You were evacuated. You lost power – in all senses of the word – for so long that you debated eating your pumpkin-scented candle and only source of light or heat. You saw cars floating by and started imagining yourself with the Waterworld-inspired cornrows of Spring Break 1996. You never wanted to go back there. Ever.

And then at last the sun came out, the water receded, electricity was restored, and, if you were lucky, not too much damage was done. But then it was time to vote! You saw Facebook friends battling Facebook friends, partisan on-lines being drawn. It got ugly.

Now your fingers are tired and you have a hollow feeling inside that even the largest Obama-shaped-pancake-face won’t fill.

How to post in a post-Hurricane Election world.

1. Don’t rush it.
2. The right tweet/photo/status will present itself in time, but you can’t force it.
3. Put your filter back on because the rapid fire sharing of news and experiences that may have made you a Hurricane Sandy star will not do the same moving forward.
4. Imagine, for example, if you treated the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday with the same level of urgency and importance: “The turkey JUST hit the table, but the mashed potatoes aren’t ready, and we’re all out of serving spoons. #DIDSOMEONEFORGETTHECRANBERRYSAUCE?”
5. Nobody wants to see, or read, that.
6. Instead, take a few breaths. Go ahead and eat your turkey. Enjoy it.
7. Take a photo if you must, but – like the bird itself, or a freshly baked pie – let it sit for a bit before posting. Otherwise, if you cut it too soon, all those delicious juices and glorious pie gooeyness will spill out into the dish and be lost forever.
8. Nobody wants a hollow, goo-less liquid mess of a pie for a Facebook friend. And nobody wants to follow your dry turkey ass on Twitter. Regain your composure. Let it cool, and chew carefully so you don’t bite your tongue.
9. Now, as for the election and those of you who voted on the “losing” side, do a few angry push ups and let it go.
10. Hell, “Like” some cute pictures of Bo already and be the bigger (wo)man.
11. If you start to swell up with the desire to post an angry retaliation comment, try and look on the bright side – at least now Mitt Romney can finally blink.
12. As for Sandy, if you were in the blasé bunch posting pictures of yourselves outside chugging beers in Battery Park until Sandy o’clock, tweeting “Hurricane Blackout here I – ” until you lost power and ate nothing but your unrefrigerated words for the next five days, now would be a good time to start posting some links to Red Cross relief efforts.
13. Make amends with the big guys (at the weather station) before the next nor’easter rolls in.
14. The hidden benefit of taking some time is that you may even give the illusion, whether it’s true or not, that you do in fact have a life.
15. So, go for a walk or something. Read anything that doesn’t require charging, downloading, or sharing. If you do feel the need to share, do it in person. You’ll be amazed at how quickly – or alarmingly slowly – live human interaction comes back to you.
16. Whatever you do, do not post about that empty feeling in the post-Hurricane Election social media lull. That is, unless you’re under the age of fifteen – in that case, convince your parents to take that Thanksgiving Caribbean Cruise, get yourself some cornrows, and start posting!

There is perhaps nobody with more questions—and the need for support—than a pregnant woman or new mother. To help, we’ve compiled a list of some of New York City’s best classes, venues and experts for maternal health and well-being.

Mind: Education, Information & Advice 

A group of trained HypnoBirthing practitioners based in Brooklyn, A Mother’s Instinct specializes in HypnoBirthing, doula services, fertility hypnosis and belly casting. Birthing while under hypnosis is taught in a series of five weekly classes; groups are limited to eight couples. Classes are taught in Brooklyn, Manhattan, Queens and North Jersey. amothersinstinct.com

Founded by two trained doulas and Lamaze educators, Birth Day Presence has a bit of everything on offer, including childbirth education, breastfeeding and newborn care instruction, belly basics, CPR and even prenatal belly dance and photography services in their Park Slope and SoHo studios. birthdaypresence.net

BklynBirth classes, led by local midwives, promote positive, safe birth experiences by informing women and their partners of all available options. Recognizing that the transition to becoming a parent is always unique, BklynBirth combines various schools of thought with professional and life experience to provide comprehensive guidance. Group and private classes available. bklynbirth.com

Caribou Baby in Brooklyn sells baby supplies and toys focused on simple, healthy living, in addition to hosting events and expert-led classes like breastfeeding support, prenatal yoga, prenatal and post-pregnancy Pilates and postpartum support groups. Check out the store’s very full calendar online. cariboubaby.com

From pregnancy through childbirth and parenting, Ellen Krug’s Choiceful Birth and Parenting offers information-seeking parents advice on how to make the most informed choices. Individualized counseling and psychotherapy offers parents the chance to explore various topics in a nurturing environment. choicefulbirth.com

Choices in Childbirth is an education, outreach and advocacy organization that assists mothers-to-be in considering their prenatal options, choosing a provider and creating a birth philosophy and support team. Alongside comprehensive childbirth education and workshops, postpartum services are also available. choicesinchildbirth.org

Destination Maternity on the Upper East Side has more than just great clothes. Classes in prenatal yoga, Pilates, breastfeeding and childbirth are held on a daily basis, as well as mom support groups. destinationmaternity.com

In small evening classes limited to eight couples, Ellen Chuse Childbirth provides moms and dads with the necessary information on labor, birth, breastfeeding and newborn care. Mother’s Meetings are a great place to share experiences and gain insights. Classes are held in Manhattan and Brooklyn; private classes also available. ellenchusechildbirth.com

The Tribeca Parenting education center offers a variety of classes like Expecting Reassurance, Preparation for Childbirth, Essential Baby Care and Breastfeeding Preparation. New parent classes include a Meeting Other Mothers series and Raise a Good Sleeper. Locations in Manhattan, Brooklyn and Jersey City. tribecaparenting.com

Twiniversity has (you guessed it!) classes for parents of multiples. Courses like Twins Prep 101 and the follow-up 201 Intro to Twins offer plenty of tips and tricks on how to prepare and adjust for multiple bundles of joy. Private Skype sessions and home visits are also available. twiniversity.com

The Upper East Side’s Yummy Mummy is a one-stop destination for information, products, services and classes devoted to the breastfeeding experience. Daily and weekly pre- and postnatal classes, including yoga, are offered for moms seeking support and guidance. yummymummystore.com

Body: Exercise & Fitness

In addition to classes focused on transitioning into parenthood, baby safety and caring for a newborn, 92Y hosts New Dad Boot Camp, prenatal Pilates and prenatal yoga. 92y.org

An eight-week weightless, water-based workout may be just the ticket for expectant mamas at AquaMom. These prenatal pool sessions promote strength, endurance, flexibility, better sleep and weight control. Small group classes are offered at private pools in the Midtown Sheraton Hotel and Léman Preparatory School in the Tribeca/Wall Street area. aquamom.com

An experienced fitness instructor, Pamela Keefer founded Baby Body Boot Camp for full-body conditioning targeted at moms and moms-to-be at all fitness levels. Classes are held outdoors in Battery Park City and personal training consultations are available. b3nyc.com

In its 10th year, Core Pilates NYC is conveniently located near Union Square and is open seven days a week. With classes in prenatal tower and prenatal props mat, pregnant women can focus on targeted muscles and challenge their bodies in new ways. All students can pay per class or buy packages. corepilatesnyc.com

Spearheaded by Julie Tupler, Diastasis Rehab offers the famous Tupler Technique for losing the mummy tummy after baby. Her maternal fitness offerings are conveniently packaged in books and DVDs. You can also attend local seminars in Manhattan or Brooklyn or take part in online sessions from the privacy of your own home. Individual consultations are also available. diastasisrehab.com

The first yoga center of its kind in NYC, the Prenatal Yoga Center’s schedule includes Pre- and Postnatal Yoga, New Mother’s Support Groups, Childbirth Education and a Breastfeeding Support Circle, all conducted in a calm, peaceful environment. Locations in Manhattan and Brooklyn. prenatalyogacenter.com

The great outdoors becomes a parent’s perfect playground at Strollercize classes in all five boroughs. Founded over 20 years ago by retired ballerina Elizabeth Trindade, Strollercize has a calendar full of postnatal exercise classes, as well as a prenatal fitness program called Preparing to Push. Classes are membership based. strollercize.com

Use your stroller to get a total body workout while spending time with your baby at Stroller Strides. If you’re expecting, try the Fit4Baby class to get in shape while pregnant, while Body Back offers high-intensity workouts for women at any stage of motherhood. Classes are held in the morning and on Saturdays in Manhattan and Brooklyn. strollerstrides.com

And don’t miss our New York Baby Show on the weekend of May 19 and 20 in New York City. For event news and ticket sales, visit newyorkbabyshow.com or email newyorkbabyshow@manhattanmedia.com.

The MTA cannot usually be counted on to raise deep philosophical and moral questions. But it happened last month during a ride on the 1 train.

The voice came through loud and clear. You know the voice—it’s the one that has replaced an actual person to provide announcements on the train. “We ask you not to give,” the voice told passengers, who, being New Yorkers, were not listening anyway. “Please help us maintain an orderly subway.”

The message is simple enough, but I question whether the MTA really needs to take a stand on whether its passengers should give cash handouts to panhandlers. Especially given that the MTA itself is so good at taking our money—without asking.

Don’t get me wrong: I’m not walking around with a lot of cash. And I tend not to part with it. I’m generally in the Don’t Give camp on the panhandling question, but that’s mostly because I think it’s unwise to flash money around belowground. Or aboveground. Or at a family dinner.

I wonder, though, if there are not costs to not giving. When I do hand over a little cash, I usually feel better than when I do not.

Yes, I’ve heard all the arguments against giving, mostly when they were coming out of my mouth. Like how the money is just going to be spent on booze or drugs; the money would better be spent in a donation to a social service agency; the money is not as important as stopping and speaking to the person in need and then going and buying them a sandwich or even a bottle of water.

The last piece of advice seems most valuable to me. I was moved a few months ago when I saw someone on West 78th Street, a customer of La Caridad, heading out the door to deliver a special order to a homeless man on the street. Realizing I cannot remember the last time I did something like that makes me feel ashamed. So does the act of not giving, of passing someone in need—even just a human being who is asking for something, whether he or she is really in need.

For about a decade I have lived here full-time. Somehow, this question of giving or not giving never really goes away. Neither does the larger subset of questions on the best ways to give. These issues resonate even more after surviving—sorta—the Great Recession. After a lost job and unemployment checks a while back, I have a lot less trouble imagining myself as the person doing the asking.

Still, I hesitate to give, partly because by not giving, I get to opt out of what feels like a bad reality show. Responding to pleas at some times and not at others may seem like a reasonable response, but it winds up requiring a constant series of judgments. I don’t like the idea of trying to size up whether someone is telling the truth, or the hugeness of his or her horrible circumstance, after listening to a brief diatribe. I feel like I’m the panelist on a bad game show, one called Are Your Troubles Bad Enough For Me to Care? Instead, I choose to try to ignore the plea and finish a Gail Collins column.

I guess I’m fairly good at shutting myself off into my own little world. Sometimes I’m proud of that; other times I think it’s a necessity in the bustling big city.

But when the MTA voice told me not to give and I realized that I’ve been mostly following that advice, it gave me a start. When the MTA and I are on the same page, something’s gone wrong.

Christopher Moore is a writer living in Manhattan. He can be reached by email at ccmnj@aol.com and is also on Twitter (@cmoorenyc).

By Lorraine Duffy Merkl

Success is getting what you want; happiness is wanting what you get.

If this Dale Carnegie adage is true, then the women of Sex And The City 2 certainly are successful, but they sure ain’t happy. If, like Carrie & Co., your attitude of late has been lacking gratitude, you must take in this movie. Seeing what ungrateful looks like 30 feet high and 70 feet wide is enough to scare anyone straight.

Dissatisfaction really lies in the storylines of Carrie and Charlotte, who had me wanting to throw my popcorn-filled hands in the air. (Samantha’s story is about menopause and Miranda’s is about having a new boss who doesn’t like her; both characters deal with their issues in a positive way.)

Carrie (a.k.a. Mrs. Big) is bored with her exquisitely decorated pad/millionaire husband/Manolos-are-no-object life. Straight out of the grass-is-greener playbook, she indulges a flirtation with her one-time fiancé, Aidan. Carrie a cheater? I’ll never tell. But just the mere idea is evident from the trailer. That she might even entertain the thought of stepping out on the man for whom, over the course of six years, she pined, saw off to Paris, waited out his marriage, cheated with and forgave after he left her at the altar, made this once “every woman” appear every inch the spoiled brat.

Charlotte “I want a husband! I want a baby! A baby! A baby!” York achieved her dream life, yet, “They’re driving me crazy.” This coming from a woman who does not work, yet has a full-time nanny. Her baby “cries all the time” (does she not have a pediatrician who can advise her?) and her daughter ruins her outfit while making cupcakes. Perhaps if she weren’t wearing vintage designer duds while baking, it really wouldn’t have been an issue.

Both Carrie and Charlotte are guilty of what my grandmother used to call “complaining with two loaves of bread under each arm.” They are living the lives people come here in hopes to attain, but most never do.

So why is it that when some people reach their goals, they can still feel let down?

According to www.slowdownfast.com, problems arise because we often don’t know what we really want. Do you really want to get married or have a baby or be a lawyer, or are those other people’s expectations you’re trying to satisfy? If so, when you finally get “what you thought you desired, it isn’t really what we wanted after all.”

In relation to the movie, discontentment can also occur when your life changes but you don’t—as in, when a married woman still wants to run around like a single gal. Also, when you go into a situation with unrealistic expectations: for example, thinking yours will be the children who’ll never have tantrums or get dirty.

“Being grateful for what one does have can promote a sense of well-being and diminish dissatisfaction,” advises www.slowdownfast.com.

Will Carrie and Charlotte see the errors of their ways? You’ll have to find out for yourself. Despite the snarky reviews, the movie is dazzling: the clothes, the shoes, the opulent locations alone are worth the price of admission. I could have done without the road trip. Part of the allure of SATC has always been that NYC was the fifth friend, if you will. New York beats the new Middle East and anywhere else any day.

Just as with the first film, whose bigger message was forgiveness, SATC2 could possibly have you ready to utter something New Yorkers aren’t always given credit for: saying “thank you.” 

—
Lorraine Duffy Merkl’s debut novel, Fat Chick, from The Vineyard Press, is available at amazon.com and barnesandnoble.com.