Social Adaptations

Switching lanes in mid-mingle By [Jeanne Martinet] When the email invitation arrived for a â??pre-opening event at a cool new speakeasy on the Lower East Side, I was somewhat daunted at the prospect of trekking all the way down there from the Upper West Side on the Saturday night of Halloween weekend, but I RSVP"d yes anyway. After all, I love cocktail parties. (They don"t call me Miss Mingle for nothing.) I wasn"t sure whether or not people would come in costumes; when the time came, I decided to hedge my bets by adding a little Halloween â??flavor to a black cocktail dress, in the form of a spiffy 1940s pillbox hat. I had been planning to bring a friend to the party, but he canceled at the last minute. As I am fairly fearless when it comes to parties, I went solo. The first inkling I had that I might have made a mistake was that there did not seem to be anyone else there yet, even though I had arrived 10 minutes late. Then I took in the dark, quiet parlor atmosphere. Upholstered chairs were arranged in groups of one or two around small tables, the seating areas isolated from one another. There actually were a couple of other people there, but they were hidden away in the private nooks in the room. I quickly ascertained that this â??event was not, in fact, a cocktail party, but rather an opportunity for couples or small groups to â??try out the place's to sample the ambience and the drinks. My very elegant host (also the owner), after exhibiting slight confusion at my having come alone, escorted me to a small table with two tall armchairs. At first I felt intensely conspicuous, sitting there by myself in my silly hat. A few people, passing by me to their own tables, gave me curious glances. This was not a venue for a single person. How could this have happened to me, a savvy New Yorker? (Later, when I re-examined the invite, I discovered that in addition to â??complementary drinks and chocolate there was a reference to â??limited seating, which should have tipped me off; actually it should have done more than tip me off, it should have knocked me over the head.) No matter how it happens, it"s always a good idea to expect the unexpected. You may go to an â??intimate dinner party and discover 60 people are there. You may be invited for drinks with a friend with whom you have been longing to have a heart-to-heart, only to find that he has brought his roommate, and you have to spend the evening talking about the Giants instead. What you assume is a lecture at the home of an acquaintance may turn out to be a fundraiser where you are required to contribute. You may think you are on a date when the other person thinks you just want to talk business. People come to this city with different ideas about social etiquette and different styles of socializing's not to mention different cultures, classes and generational proclivities. If you don"t learn to switch lanes at a moment"s notice, you can miss having a good time. If you try to avoid having preconceptions, you can usually field anything that comes your way. It"s really the image we have in our minds about what an experience is going to be that makes it hard to acclimate quickly to an unexpected situation. If you think you have third row orchestra seats at the opera, and when you get there, they are in the Dress Circle, you may be disappointed. But if you did not know where you were going to sit to begin with, you would merely be delighted to be at the opera! That evening at the speakeasy, it took about 10 minutes, but I did manage to regain my footing. I complimented the owner on everything. He was gallant enough to come and sit with me for part of the time, as we have a friend in common. When he was busy greeting other people and tending the other customers, I took out my notepad and pen (which I am never without) and, sipping a truly delicious Manhattan, happily wrote, stopping occasionally to observe the people walking by and the beautiful decor. Did I succeed in socially adapting that evening? Maybe. All I know is I started writing this column during my drink, and finished it on the long subway ride home. _ [ Jeanne Martinet](http://JeanneMartinet.com), aka Miss Mingle, is the author of seven books on social interaction. Her latest book is a novel, Etiquette for the End of the World. You can contact her at [JeanneMartinet.com.](http://JeanneMartinet.com)