Sister Goes CoBo!

Lip-biting Sanchez enjoyed
reading the interpretive drama Chris Nelson projected on the Smashing
Pumpkins! The Sonicnet writer reviewed a show at Chicago’s rock-circuit
standard venue, the Metro, meant to debut both bassist Melissa Auf
Der Maur–"‘Known to us simply as "the Auf Der Maur,’
interjects the insistent Sister of Sanchez," the Sister of Sanchez interjected
insistently–and material from the presumably bombastic, indisputably forthcoming
MACHINA/the machines of God. Nelson said "[the] Auf Der Maur’s
newcomer status was made most plain during ‘1979.’ While Chamberlin
left his kit to play acoustic guitar with Corgan and Iha, the
bassist remained on the far side of the stage, away from the other three."
Astute Sanchez advises Nelson to try moving a bass amp before suggesting
folks link hands and start a-wassailing! Fearful Sanchez notes that the
Auf Der Maur played with a music stand before her, clearly evidence that the
influence of band geeks has extended past mere ska band horn sections. Still-fearfuller
Sanchez splits the Auf Der Maur’s family name up, jumbles the letters,
and comes up with: Au Au FDR Me. "‘Egads!’ egadses the Sister
of Sanchez!" the Sister of Sanchez egadsed. "Au is the symbol
for gold on the periodic table of elements! Could the Auf Der Maur have
been silently pleading to us this whole time: The money! The money! I need
a new deal!?"

Crushed Sanchez is brokenhearted
to reveal that colleague J.R. Taylor–who opined to last year’s
Pazz and Jop poll that he hoped Lucinda Williams would be raped
by "a ward of AIDS-infected hillbillies"–has revealed himself
as a most thoroughly rockcriticish creature. Quoting Alternative Press
writer Jon Pecorelli, who thought poor album sales were "partially
due to a nationwide ban from such national retailers as Kmart, Wal-Mart, and
Target," J.R. snidely responds, "Yeah, that was the problem."
Well, phoo-hoo on you-hoo for thinking that the selling of compact discs had
anything to do with retail! Smiling Sanchez sure loves that idle class
of folk, armed with remote, recliner and laptop, who believe the process of
culture to involve neither bucks nor trucks! "And the Sister of Sanchez
chimes in with gratitude that her brother should finally criticize someone who
can pen a decent doo-doo joke for a retort!" chimed in the grateful Sister
of Sanchez.

But perhaps emotional Sanchez
is a little thin-skinned, having had to endure a Michael Stipe and Danny
DeVito double-feature interview teaming on both Charlie Rose and
Queen Latifah–though it should be noted that Rose had Stipe’s
bandmates, and Latifah had Heavy D as well, and furthermore gave the
so-called Overweight Lover two segments as opposed to Stipe and DeVito’s
one each. Mumbling Sanchez condemns the film Man on the Moon as tripe
without having seen it! For bitter Sanchez hates all things having to do with
Jim Carrey, and yet his weekend of invalidity was spent on a couch helpless
against the unstoppable spray of prerelease publicity! Snarling Sanchez, grasping
for his bottle of Xanax, will collapse if he hears one more earnest
testimonial that Carrey became Andy Kaufman for the whole of the
shoot! Sanchez can sooner imagine Matchbox 20 becoming John Coltrane!

But hark, what medicine
should arrive under the nose of Sanchez but a holiday recording as anti-CoBo
as could come! A collection of works from the vaults of the gigantic songwriters’
collection agency! Tickled Sanchez adores its supergeneric title: ASCAP
Presents Holiday.