Sign Language

Written by Caeriel on . Posted in Posts.


Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) Have you got big plans for 2011? If not, why not? This is a year you could accomplish a lot, if you diligently plant the seeds right now. It might seem early for a “spring planting,” but this is actually a very good time to sow some possibilities and begin carefully tending them. Be warned, this is not a casual project! By summertime they could have enough momentum to keep growing on their own, but between now and then, they will require quite a bit of regular extra attention and care. Still, if they grow into your dreams, isn’t it more than worth it?

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) Would you rather a thirty-minute drive or a one hour train ride? Obviously, the train takes twice as long, but you can nap, read, or do any number of things while you take it, whereas driving can be stressful, less environmentallyfriendly, and doesn’t lend itself well to multitasking (although, unfortunately, many people try anyway).This kind of decision reflects on your priorities, your need for control, and your ability to relax.There’s no right or wrong decision, of coursebut your preferences could teach you a lot about yourself, and how to approach challenges in the year ahead.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) In the strictest sense, the shortest distance between two points is a straight line. But in life, the direct approach occasionally results in a much longer journey than if you’d taken a subtler, more circuitous route to your intended destination. This is one of those times. Luckily, detours are a specialty of yoursalthough most of them happen less consciously than this one.You’ll find, though, that choosing to pursue a roundabout route can allow you to enjoy it more (and get more out of it, too). What are you waiting for? The road less traveled awaits. It’ll take longer than you planned, so the sooner you get going the less “late” you’ll be.

Aries (March 21-April 19) One of your strengths is your childlike sense of wonder and excitement about the new stuff in your life. However, one of your weaknesses is finding ways to stay interested and invested in stuff once the novelty has worn off.Without that enticing sparkle, many Rams simply move on the next new thing, which makes getting deeply involved with something (or someone) tricky. Of course, skimming the surface of life, while endlessly interesting, doesn’t get you very far so many things (and people) require a deeper commitment than that.This week, work on finding ways to happily dig in and stick around for the long haul, long after the glamour of the new has faded.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) As much as you’d like everything to run on a predictable and reasonably accurate schedule, you know it rarely works out that way. So many people are terrible at time management. They either can’t realistically predict how long something will take, or they get distracted and pursue schedule-destroying tangents.The “why” is mostly irrelevant, anyway, since our concern is coping with it. Since you rarely suffer from such problems, it’s up to you to work and plan around them. Maybe making stuff happen shouldn’t be so complicated, but sometimeslike right now it quite simply is. Deal.

Gemini (May 21-June 20) Some people can soundly and blissfully sleep through anything; others need climatecontrolled settings, blindfolds, and earplugs. Not much can be done for those in the latter category.They can’t choose to be one of those lucky deep sleepers, much as they might wish to. Similarly, there are things those around you can’t change, no matter how hard they might wish otherwise, and insisting that they try is both cruel and pointless. Either deal with it, or walk away from it, but trying to change stripes into spots is just not going to happen; quit hoping it will.

Cancer (June 21-July 22) All kids love to get gifts, but some of them grow up to be adults who get much more satisfaction out of giving than receiving. Of course, we all must do both in most normal human interactions, but recognizing which you like more can go a long way towards making you (and everyone around you) happier, because you can seek out people who synergize with your natural tendencies. If you’re a giver, go find a bunch of sweet and grateful takers who’ll appreciate all you have to offeror vice versa. Embracing your own nature is this week’s big lessonespecially a challenge when it’s not what you wish it was.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) Try to take things at face value this week. Sometimes, your intuition is sharp enough to read into things and correctly grasp the subtext. This is not one of those times.You’re apt to completely misinterpret anything you read between the lines, and make a mess where there doesn’t need to be one.That doesn’t mean there isn’t more going on than meets the eyejust that you’re not likely to guess accurately, so it’s safer and better to just go with what you can clearly see. No one can blame you for acting on that basis. Leaping to faulty conclusions, thoughthat’s something you can and will get blamed for.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) What you want is a crystal ball, one that works. What you’ve got is a situation that can’t be accurately forecast, no matter how badly you wish otherwise.You simply can’t know ahead of time all the crazy, fascinating ways things play out; if you want to find out you’ll just have to wait and see, like everyone else. That may be galling, frustrating, upsetting, or anxiety-producing, but the more swiftly and gracefully you can simply accept it and try to get into the absolute unpredictable, exciting, adventurousness of it all, the happier you’ll be.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) When you buy a gun, standard advice is that if you pull it out, you’d better be prepared and able to use it. Otherwise, it’ll put you in worse danger than if you had none. Same goes for any weapon, including a sharp tongue; whip it out and you’re likely to face equal or greater retaliation. Can you take what you dish out (or dish it out so decisively that there won’t be any backlash)? If you’re not prepared to see things through to the conclusion made inevitable by what you set in motion, it may be best to stay out of the fray altogether.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) Most people’s singing skills can be improved with instruction and practice, but this is one of those things where talent is a strong limitation.There are some who will never, no matter how hard they work, become great singers. It’d be cruel to lead them to believe otherwise.That said, singing skill isn’t necessarily a prerequisite to musical fame, as many huge stars have already proven. If you find yourself blocked from where you want to go by a limitation you can’t overcome, don’t necessarily give up on the dreamsee if you can re-envision it instead.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) If you’re going to go digging for buried treasure, at least have half a clue about where it might be hidden. Just randomly digging holes isn’t particularly likely to yield much.Without a treasure map, evocative riddle, or metal detector, you’re pretty much wasting your time. Don’t let the mostly imaginary lure of a big score tempt you from more consistently fruitful activities this week.You can go back to treasure-hunting later, when you’ve at least got a decent idea of where to look.

Sign Language

Written by Caeriel on . Posted in Posts.


 

sign.language.astrology@gmail.com

 

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) The show must go on, they say, and performers dedicated to this principle have endured tremendous hardship in order to make sure their team isn’t let down by their mishap. How much of your suffering can you put aside to spare others its consequences? How much are you willing to? Those are this week’s questions. Answer them honestly. It’s admirable to put aside some of your own well-being for the greater good of many. However, know ahead of time where and how to draw the line, so that you don’t realize you’ve reached your limit in the middle of the “show.” Calling in an understudy at that point is very awkward—doing so before you’ve begun, however, is perfectly acceptable.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) Not everyone is attuned to the same reality you are. In fact, you’re probably sometimes quite shocked at just how differently someone else might perceive a situation you see in quite a specific way. Here’s the problem: neither of you is “right.”That is, you’re both wearing certain filters that skew the scenario in certain (probably different) directions. Neither of you is technically wrong; you’re both actually perfectly correct—for yourselves. Understanding just how malleable reality is—and accepting that there is no one “real” reality—is the key to enjoying your week, and not getting stuck in a conflict that has no other resolution.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) We all appreciate the higher standard you hold yourself to most of the time. But occasionally you need to be willing to set aside that ideal and cut yourself some slack, in the name of getting things done.When you’re miserable, everyone around you is, too, so try not to get yourself to that state of dejection or disappointment. Normally, I’d say go for a good, self-pitying wallow if you need to, but there are more important things afoot.That means letting yourself off the hook, and being content with merely a job done satisfactorily, instead of brilliantly.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) Just because a dream is achievable shouldn’t make it less exciting. In fact, because its fruition is right around the corner, you ought to be thrilled.Try not to feel let down by how ultimately easy it was to get to where you wanted to go—that speaks to how ready you were, not how simple it was. For someone else, this might have been an impossible challenge. Don’t worry—there will be plenty more challenging goals. Some of them will prove unachievable. Enjoy this one, even if it was a no-brainer, nocontest piece of cake.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) You know you need to try a different approach. Given all the pat hs you’ve already pursued, you probably have a pretty strong inkling about which new method will work best to achieve your goals. You’re dragging your heels because that place is just somewhere you’ve been reluctant to go. However, you’ve tried every other way you could think of, and hit impassable obstacles. I think it’s time to finally acknowledge that there may be no better way, and swallow your distaste long enough to give it a try. Perhaps some success will assuage your antipathy.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) Your cynicism tells you that although people can change, they don’t do so very often. Sometimes, in an effort to be realistic, you unwittingly lock people into old behaviors. Even if they normally would act differently, you create parameters that encourage or even require them to behave just as they would have in the past.That’s hardly fair. Can you bring yourself to a place where you will at least allow for and at best actively promote transformation and evolution? Although it goes against the grain of your most pessimistic habits and fixed nature, that, my dear, is this week’s goal.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) You’re like a daddy long-legs spider who’s lost a few legs.You can still function with five, but losing another might prove disastrous. It’s time to stop taking so many risks and just play it safe for a while. I like you when you’re bold and take chances, and I appreciate how you’ve courageously forged on even when some of those risks haven’t panned out (perhaps buoyed by the successes of all the ones that paid off). However, this week take a break from that approach and stick to the tried and true.When it’s time to boldly take another great gamble again, you’ll know.

Aries (March 21-April 19) Consider the message, not how it was delivered. It’s all too easy to ignore what you’re trying so hard not to hear, and focus instead on the problems with the methods used, which are less than ideal (and might even be cruel, sneaky, or passive-aggressive). However, the only reason people are going to such lengths to communicate in such a roundabout way is that surely this is something you don’t particularly want to acknowledge, and they were afraid of how you’d react if they said it to you directly. Put aside the lousy conveyance and take the time to hear those things you desperately don’t want to, but desperately need to.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) Is this deal-breaker as much of a deal-breaker as you thought? Yes, you always told yourself that if you got to this crossroads, you’d know which way to turn.Yet, now that you’re here, the path isn’t as obvious as you thought it would be.This may be because your judgment is clouded; however, it could be that what you thought was so desperately important (in theory, at least) isn’t anymore, or never really was.To ensure that you don’t make a foolish decision because you’re bewildered by hormones, lust, or clever words, however, enlist the aid and advice of a trusted friend.

Gemini (May 21-June 20) When someone’s behavior skews wildly off course, it could be mental illness, drugs, or any number of other problems. However, consider the possibility that this is only new to you. Young adults who come out of the closet may surprise some of their friends and family, for example, but it’s hardly a revelation for them.This week, you need to put aside your own shock, judgment, or distaste for whatever’s been revealed to you, and consider what may be behind it, and how difficult it might have been to get to this place.Then, react with as much compassion as you can muster.

Cancer (June 21-July 22) It’s funny how sometimes, even when they have all (or most) of the power in a situation, some people can be fooled into thinking they have little or none.That ought to sound familiar, although I wouldn’t be surprised if you don’t think so. Ask yourself: Isn’t the ball in your court? Don’t you have ahold of the long end of the stick? You have all the leverage, and yet you’re behaving as if you must do exactly as you’re told.This week, please realize, finally, just how much power you actually have, and take ownership of it. It’s always been clear to others that you have the upper hand— once you figure that out, all that’s left is for you to decide what, exactly, you want to do with it.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) You don’t usually have trouble setting boundaries. Ask anyone who knows you; it’s very hard to get a Leo to do anything she doesn’t want to do. However, every once in a while, it’s good to allow those boundaries to get trampled on a little.They could be in the wrong places. People change, after all.What once was off limits might now be something you enjoy—and the only way you’d figure that out is by letting someone cross that line.This isn’t about adopting an “anything goes” attitude. However, this week, please notice which walls have stood unquestioned for way too long, and consider taking at least a couple of them down.

Sign Language

Written by Caeriel on . Posted in Posts.


GEMINI

In an episode of DoctorWho, the doctor and his companions were presented with a choice between dream and reality. They were forced to confront their desires, which might otherwise compel them to remain in the dream they wanted to be reality. Sound familiar? Of course, both situations before you exist in reality—nevertheless, one is still partially composed of fantasy.Which do you want? The half-imaginary scenario that may never become more real than it is right now, no matter how much you wish for it? Or the place where everything is exactly what it seems (and, yes, slightly less colorful than the one you half dreamed up)? I can’t choose for you—but this week you must choose nevertheless.

CANCER

Here we go again.You adore extremes like a fat kid loves cake.You’re like an Amish guy who decides to go from not allowing any photos to be taken to starring in gay porn.There’s a spectrum here, but you’re only looking at the two furthest points.You have more choices than that; it doesn’t have to be full-on or not at all.Try to find the middle path this week. All or nothing are terrible options, and neither one is particularly viable, or likely to make you happy.There’s a million shades of color between those two stark opposites. Notice that—once you do, finding one that suits you shouldn’t be all that difficult.

LEO

Not everyone will love you. Some people will actively dislike and disparage you. Of course, there’s always the youthful temptation to give as good as you get (and probably better), and sling back a few witty insults.This can be fun, and it’s okay if you occasionally indulge it. However, there are times when mucking around in the dirt is simply inappropriate.That’s when your marvelous grace and good manners (which are excellent when you choose to exercise them) will serve you well.This week is such a time. Stay frosty, no matter how low the blows go.

VIRGO

The golden rule serves you well—until it doesn’t.What happens if treating someone else as you’d like to be treated in their shoes is quite the opposite of what they’d prefer? Tell a wife about her cheating husband and she may not be as grateful as you’d be in her place—perhaps you’ve just shattered a comforting illusion she preferred to a complicated reality.This week, you actually need to step outside yourself and use all your intuition to figure out how to best honor the platinum rule:Treat as others in such a way as to create the greatest amount of happiness in their lives—even when that conflicts with the golden rule.

LIBRA

Blood family does not trump chosen family unless you decide it does.Wouldn’t you agree that someone’s adoptive father who raised them from infancy to adulthood has more of a claim to the “dad” title than the guy who originally provided the sperm? The same goes for the people you’ve chosen in your life.They get to keep being in your life and those bonds can be just as strong and valuable as any of those dictated by genetics—as long as you deem it so. Don’t let the world’s rules be your rules, not when you have the absolute power (at least in this case) to make your own.

SCORPIO

The appropriate response when you learn your assumption was dead wrong is probably embarrassment and apology. However, that’s not always the easiest thing for you proud and stubborn Scorpios to muster on the spot. I’ve seen Scorps come up with some pretty insane cover stories to explain their gaffes. Of course, this usually just digs the hole a bit deeper, because it’s perfectly obvious to everyone what’s happened. Relax. It’s no big deal; we’re all human, and everyone has had moments like these. Own it. Have a good laugh. It might be difficult at first—but you’ll get better with practice.

SAGITTARIUS

What’s your first response when your Internet connection seems a bit sluggish? Usually, you’ll want to reset the modem. Starting fresh isn’t always quite the same when you’re working with something more complex than a small home appliance, but it’s still possible to some extent. Sex life gotten a bit slow or stale? Conversation turning in circles? Career stagnated? You may need to unplug the pieces and try to start from scratch, being careful to head in a totally new direction (following the same path, of course, would force you to end up right back here). If you want to hit reset and start over, this week is the perfect time to try.

CAPRICORN

Go on. Get out on that limb. Stick your neck out. Nothing’s going to happen unless you put what you want out there.Yes, you may not get what you want, but at least you’ll know you’ve tried. Can you create an opening for the situation you desire, while being OK with whatever outcome results? I think you can. Let’s say for instance you wanted to hook up with someone. It’s perfectly viable to say, “Hey ___, I think you’re hot and would like to hook up. If you’re not into it, though, that’s cool— we can forget I ever asked.”Then, of course, it’s up to you to walk the walk you just talked.

AQUARIUS

They say that good things come to those who wait. False. Oh sure, it’s true some of the time—but most of the time, nothing comes to those who wait—it’s already gone to the people who stepped up and put themselves out there and strived for it. Patience can be a virtue, but it’s one I’d put aside for now, if I were you.You need to be hungry, impatient and motivated. It’s time to push for what you want, persistently and stubbornly. Sitting on your hands will get you exactly nowhere and nothing—so don’t do it.

PISCES

Don’t buy something just because it’s on sale. Enjoy a sale when it’s for something you purchase all the time, but otherwise this “opportunity” is just a scam, and you’re falling for it. Of course, there are exceptions, but much of the time you end up with something you’d never have gone shopping for in the first place. It may be difficult to ignore the flashing “75 percent off” signs, but you need to try. Attempt to clearly consider whether what’s on offer is really something you need in your life.The answer—despite the incredible “value”—is probably no. Stick to that.

ARIES

If you’ve got your heart set on a particular version of reality, why are you settling for the one you’ve got? Is it because you’re lazy? Or is it perhaps that you’re not confident that you could actually manifest anything like what you’re fantasizing about, and so are unwilling to risk the so-so version you’ve got now? That’s foolish. What is life, if not risk? In this case, you should never settle—not when what you really want is perfectly achievable with a lot of hard work and just a bit of luck. Get to it, already.

TAURUS

Do what you need to do to motivate yourself, within reason. Obviously, promising yourself a massive banana split sundae if you go to the gym isn’t particularly helpful. But surely there’s something you can offer yourself that wouldn’t be quite so self-defeating—that might, in fact, be simultaneously a motivating treat as well as advancing your goals, however subtly or slightly. You’ve always worked better when you have a carrot to goad you on. Don’t deny yourself that reward.There’s a way to make a total win-win happen here—it’s up to you to simply choose wisely to make it so.

Sign Language

Written by Caeriel on . Posted in Posts.


 

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) Are you a lead singer who sounds like shit without your backup singers? Are you able to shine only by leaning on your friends? It goes without saying that everyone looks better with an entourage, but this week is all about what you can do completely on your own. Of course, flying solo is usually less fun than running with a pack, but this week it should be an interesting and rewarding challenge to see how far you can go and how much you can accomplish without your wingmen and support staff. Show us what you can do.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) You may simply be approaching this from the wrong angle. You’re trying to whittle a sculpture from wood that would work out much better if you were carving a block of ice, or marble, or clay. How you work with a problem—especially a creative problem—has more to do with arriving at the solution than any “right answer.” Paint a landscape with oils, watercolors, and finger-paints, and you’ll end up with three very different paintings, even though the subject matter and artist were identical. This week don’t understimate how much the right tools, attitude, and perspective will matter, when it comes to finding your way through the puzzle you’re in.

Aries (March 21-April 19) What’s keeping you from greater love? It’s a good week to map out the length, height, and width of the walls keeping you from expanding your emotional horizons; pretending they’re not there isn’t working. It’s better to figure out exactly what shape the barriers are so you can best determine how to tunnel through, climb over, or work around them. No one said the path to where you want to go would be a simple straight line. I can’t tell you the route to more open, encompassing love— but you know that just staying here is the crappiest of options, so this week, try something else.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) A glimmer of light through a cracked eyelid might give you an opportunity to wake up this week, instead of sleepwalking through the situation as you have been. Of course, you could just squeeze your eyes shut tighter and ignore the merry twinkle trying to rouse you from your blissful ignorance. Sure, your somnambulatory strides through this particular chapter of your life are relatively painless, but they’re also unsatisfying. Waking up would be uncomfortable at best and possibly quite painful, but it’s the only way to get yourself closer to a scenario you can enjoy with your eyes wide open.

Gemini (May 21-June 20) If your greatest aspiration is for whiter teeth or longer eyelashes, then I feel sorry for you. I should hope that your self-improvement efforts have loftier, more holistic goals. If you want to go the gym to have a hotter body so you can get laid more often, or find love, then so be it. But don’t dream so narrowly. Have it also be about being healthier, happier, and capable of more cool stuff.When defining your ambitions, go deeper than the superficial, and avoid tunnel vision.When your dreams have multiple positive results, you’re much more likely to realize them.

Cancer (June 21-July 22) You may have learned as much as you can from this particular teacher.That’s okay. Maintaining the dynamic you’ve had indefinitely is kind of unnatural, awkward, and absurd; of course there should be a time for you to move on.That may prove to be now. Redefining relationships can be uncomfortable or even painful; however, it can also be liberating and potentially take things to whole new, more interesting levels for both of you. This is a good week for such a redefinition, so if you see one on the horizon, might as well make it happen now.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) The difference between those people who floor the gas pedal between every stoplight and those who take a more reasonable, steady pace is usually measured in wear and tear on the car, not a significantly shorter trip time. Usually, the slower driver catches up with the faster one at the next red light.Which approach have you taken? Slow and steady probably won’t win the race in the end, but you’ll still do well and, most importantly—enjoy the journey a whole lot more. Don’t make it all about the destination and getting there as fast as you can—since you won’t be able to get there much more quickly in any case, why not take your time and check out the scenery?

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) The more they say you can’t do it, the more determined you should be to prove them wrong.You are exactly as adaptable, flexible, and capable as you believe yourself to be. If you buy into others’ beliefs that you’re helpless, locked-down, or just too stubborn to change, even a little, you will quite easily make it so. Don’t just ignore the naysayers. Mow them down with the sharp blades of your intellect, crush them with your will, and bludgeon them with your sheer determination. Make them reluctant to ever doubt you again.Then, don’t doubt yourself.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) Stunning beauty is called that because of its often incapacitating effect: people find themselves speechless, clumsy, and dumb in the face of it. Did you know that you, at least occasionally on your good days, have that power? Did it ever occur to you that that stammering idiot in front of you isn’t actually abysmally stupid or inept, but merely flabbergasted by your loveliness? Instead of scorn, you should feel flattery and, hopefully, a desire to set others at ease around you. This week, take note of the effect you have on others, and do what you must to make it, as much as possible, more positive than negative.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) If wishes were horses, even beggars would ride. So goes the old proverb. However, I think a beggar who knew how to wish properly would ride any old time he wanted. Sometimes, fulfilling your desires is as simple as expressing them properly, and having them be heard by the right ears. Believe that your wishes can come true—and much sooner and more simply than logic strictly dictates.Then find a way to, if not instantly fulfill them, at least leave the door open to their fulfillment.You never know what might wander through. Even if it wasn’t exactly the horse you were wishing for, it’s likely to be something nearly as great.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) You may do your best thinking this week when you do so outside of the box—that is, in places and at times you’re not used to. Head to a church, or a bowling alley, or a seedy motel, or wake up at 4 in the morning just to get some inspiration. Some of your most outstanding ideas will come if you place yourself solidly into unfamiliar contexts. Shy away from your usual haunts in favor of new places and new experiences. They’re what will get the pot stirred and the juices flowing, which is precisely what you need this week.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) There’s a fairly misguided and slightly delusional movement to raise diaperless babies. Proponents promote this strange practice with the bizarre declaration that many cultures in the world raise their babies without diapers—never seeming to realize that these cultures generally have no access to such conveniences, and when the baby poos on the dirt floor it doesn’t have quite the same impact as when she stains your imported Persian rugs. How realistic are you being about your own goals this week? Have you really thought them through, or will it take a mess on your fanciest carpets before you’ll try something else?

Sign Language

Written by Caeriel on . Posted in Posts.


 

SIGN LANGUAGE CAERIEL sign.language.astrology@gmail.com


 

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) You’ve heard people say, “When it rains, it pours,” but in your case the expression should be, “When it rains, it hurricanes.” You don’t do things halfway, do you? Why settle for just pissing off one person when you could anger or aggravate virtually everyone you know? Well, now the damage is done, and you might as well run with it. Having already vexed everyone can be incredibly freeing.There’ll be time for damage control and making amends next week. For now, enjoy the liberation of having already screwed up, and simply do what you want.You’re not likely to make things much worse, so just enjoy yourself.


Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) When I go through a rough patch or have a bad day or week, I try to simplify a bit. Instead of focusing on my own problems or troubles, I just try to be kind and thoughtful towards those around me.The idea is that just by putting good stuff out there, I’ll not only feel better, but eventually—through oft circuitous and incredible ways—that kindness will circle back around and make my life a little better, too. Refrain from turning inward this week; there’s no point in dwelling on whatever’s going on. Instead, focus your attention and energy on what’s happening around you.You’ll forget your problems, and by the time you get back to focusing on them, you’ll find that they’re not as big as they were (or as you thought they were).


Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) Since you’re able to see the next few steps that must be taken, you might as well start preparing for them now. I’m surprised you haven’t yet. Perhaps it’s because you’d been hoping things might go differently.

By now it should be obvious which way they’re headed. Pretending otherwise would diverge from optimism and delve into delusional. Face the reality you can clearly see.This is a good week to set yourself up to survive and thrive in the new situations you’re moving towards. I know you’re too thoughtful and careful not to. Don’t prove me wrong.


Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) Leave a little bitter in your coffee this week.You want to make sure you have something strong to prep your mouth for all the subtle and varied kinds of sweetness coming your way this week. If your palate is already sullied by a cheap over-sugared coffee flavor, you might miss some of them. That’d be a shame. If you’re able to detect and appreciate them, you’re going to be a lot more capable of manifesting them more often. Your life could be a much sweeter place than it is; make sure you’re in a position to notice and enjoy it.


Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) Don’t be so quick to jump to negative conclusions this week.That elusive person may not be avoiding your calls; the culprit could be a lost phone, not your supposed lack of appeal. Lately you’ve been rushing to the most depressing assumptions.Why assume the worst, when in all probability the reality is nowhere close to that? I know where you’re coming from with this; you don’t want to get your hopes up and then be disappointed. But anticipating disaster only makes it more likely. Give everyone the benefit of the doubt whenever it seems like it may make your world a better place; it will.

SIGN LANGUAGE

Written by Caeriel on . Posted in Posts.


SIGN LANGUAG E

CAERIEL sign.language.astrology@gmail.com

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) It’s not hard to guess which will have more terror, more zombies, and more masks—Halloween or the presidential election. Halloween is traditionally the time to put on a costume that will enable you to tell a deeper truth or express a part of yourself that you don’t usually get to express. Same goes for the election, really. This is your time to communicate your perspective, and pull no punches. Do what you have to do to get your point across.When putting together a Halloween costume, you wouldn’t waver when considering those extra touches that would make it more likely to thrill, shock, and horrify. Don’t fail us here.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) Do nice people make you suspicious? I don’t blame you, after how many terribly disingenuous folks you’ve encountered. Perhaps I’m as cynical as you are; I also have this feeling that most people pretend to be nicer than they really are. That’s why it’s refreshing when you meet someone who is very nearly as sweet, generous, and caring as they appear to be. Luckily for you, there are at least a couple of these playing leading roles in your week. Go ahead and be cynical if you wish, but if you let your bitterness keep you from letting these people into your life, you’ll really be missing out.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) Your subtle suggestions have largely gone unnoticed or ignored (it’s hard to tell which). It’s time to throw your precious delicacy and tact out the window and attack the problem head on. Be forceful, direct, brutally honest, and uncompromising here. In this particular case there’s not much room for compromise, anyway; laying down the law is definitely the thing to do. Be the stubborn goat you are, lower your head, and charge. Don’t let people think there’s wiggle room when there’s not. They’ll just be that much more pissed when you pin them to the wall.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) It’s hard for me to imagine not voting. Nevertheless, that’s what nearly half of the eligible people in this country do on election day—exactly nothing (except, perhaps, complain). I don’t feel much sympathy for people who don’t exercise the power they have, even if it’s limited or they believe it to be ineffective. Don’t be one of those unimaginative losers. Go ahead and bitch about the state of affairs if you like—but please also exercise whatever power you have to reshape it to your liking.You’re usually one to stand up for what you believe in, even if it appears to be a “lost cause.” I’d be mightily disappointed if you let me down now.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) Just because you’re being pushed in a certain direction doesn’t mean you actually have to go there.You Fish are entirely too accommodating, in general, but you need to learn to defy the negative influences in your life.They are as pervasive and persistent as gravity, but they’re also as resistible. Don’t be so flimsy.

Stiffen your spine, harness your willpower, and choose to pursue the course that will make you happiest, regardless of your pathetic detractors. A little conscious effort will keep you from slouching at your laptop; similarly, a determined decision can keep you from succumbing to the forces at work upon you now.


Aries (March 21-April 19) Nearly every Aries I know has a superhero complex.

You believe you’re capable of superhuman feats.That belief is actually sometimes enough to carry you through some seemingly impossible situations. However, frequently confidence can’t sustain you by itself, and you end up injuring, exhausting, or screwing yourself over. An important part of every Ram’s journey is to recognize their own limitations.You should stretch those throughout your life, of course, but until you identify where they are, you run the risk of repeatedly pushing yourself too far. Remember that you can’t actually leap tall buildings, command legions of flying monkeys,or force people to tell the truth.Get over that, and show us what superhuman exploits you can do.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) You’re sometimes glacially slow to change, which is why it’s almost inconceivable that anyone could drag their feet more than you do. Nevertheless, that’s the case this week. Sometimes, wrapping your head around a transformation that flies in the face of everything you’ve ever known can take a while.

You understand this. Since it’s not you experiencing this sea change, perhaps you’ll be able to help the other person through it. I hope you have the patience and understanding you always wish people had with you when you were reluctant to leap into something. Remember, what goes around comes around—the good as well as the bad.

Gemini (May 21-June 20) If you watch too much reality television, you may begin to feel that deception and withholding information is the only way to achieve what you want when it comes to your peers, but that is absolutely the wrong way to go. I can only recommend leaving behind any tactic you might see on TV. You don’t need that kind of drama. Keep things more real than that, and more honest.You can actually get most of what you want simply by speaking the truth, and asking for it.While there’s a slight chance you might get more by using lies of omission or outright deceit, it’s just not worth it.

Cancer (June 21-July 22) I don’t mind when people complain, but I’ll confess it’s irritating when that’s virtually all they ever do. Cancers have a knack for focusing on the negative at certain times; this is something you have to make a conscious effort to thwart.This tendency can become self-fulfilling if you’re not careful. Watch yourself this week.You might be surprised by how many of the things you say could be taken as whining, bitchiness, or general negativity, even if you don’t mean them that way. Fix that. Make sure that 75% of what comes out of your mouth is positive; the best part is that 75% of your life is likely to start feeling that affirmative, too.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) I don’t blame you for your pride, but I hope you can see how it keeps you from certain opportunities or experiences.You slam shut some doors that a more humble person might leave open, in the name of being treated “fairly” or as you deserve.You’re probably even correct about the right or wrong of it. But the person who’s willing to bend further is going to have the experience, while you’re not. Could you be a little more flexible? It might involve forgetting how brilliant and great you are, for a while. This week, give it a go, just to see what happens.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Don’t take your service too far.When you do stuff that is above and beyond the call of duty, it’s all too easy for people to get into the habit of taking advantage of you.That’s likely to become obvious this week; but once you have dirty footprints on your face, it might feel a bit awkward or too dramatic to bring it up, since you did lie down in front of them. However, this is a now or never scenario. Stand up, brush yourself off, and set your boundaries straight. If you wait any longer, the only option you’ll have left is walking away entirely. After all the time and effort you’ve put in, that’d be pretty damn lame.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) Who broke up with who, really? It’s very hard to overcome personal feelings of rejection and reach out to someone when there’s been a rift (whether the relationship was romantic, work-related, or simply friendly); nevertheless, it’s usually a good idea. Unfortunately, in this particular case, you almost certainly have to be the bigger person here and make the first (and possibly the second, or third) move. Do you have that kind of enlightened, forgiving attitude? Can you step up and make the best of a bad situation? Or are you really going to let your sore ego ruin yet another great (if imperfect)

Sign Language

Written by Caeriel on . Posted in Posts.


Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

If I go a day without caffeine, I get a terrible headache. This “harmless” addiction definitely has me in its grip. It’s hard to view something as innocuous as a cup of coffee as a tremendous handicap, but that might just be the case. I’m somewhat incapacitated without it. There’s something in your life that looks an awful lot like this. You’re a mess if you don’t get it, but you don’t regard it as a problem because it’s not traditionally something people consider problematic (as opposed to a heroin addiction, which might raise a few more red flags). Take a second look at it. Does the pleasure of that cup of coffee really outweigh the negative impact of not having it? It may just be time to eliminate its hold on you altogether.





Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Don’t let your fear of confrontation make things worse for you or anyone else involved. Like it or not, your weirdly comfortable position straddling the fence didn’t work out this time, and you ended up tumbling down on one side of things. Don’t pretend you’re still up there, seeing both sides equally. You’ve got to go ahead and speak your new truth, from down here in the trenches, from your bias, from the side you chose, like it or not. Doing otherwise is not only unfair, it’s dishonest. Besides, there’s a reason you fell in with this side of things and not the other. Spend this week trying to figure out what it is.





Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Consider a stinging spree. You’ve got the itch to go around and stir up some shit. It’s for the greater good, perhaps. Sometimes a little pain is the only way we can break through to something better, more enlightened, more understanding, more compassionate. However, I would argue that you have so much of this life-enriching (but painful) venom stored up that to deliver it all to one person might be too much. It’s kind of harsh. Instead, I would consider giving small doses to everyone you know. It seems a little weird, but think about it this way: how could a little pain, delivered by you, make someone’s life a whole lot better?





Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)


You’re so good at calming drama queens that you often end up surrounded by them. I know it’s tiring to have to keep putting out fires, but don’t burn out now. Imagine what would happen if you just threw up your hands and said, “That’s it, I’m out.” Disaster! If you do think you need to extricate yourself from the situation, back out slowly. That alone will probably also elicit more drama, but you’d end up at least avoiding the total devastating (and much more histrionic) collapse that’d happen if you made a dramatic exit yourself.





Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Right now you’re a plump, juicy summer peach. You’re amazingly delicious and wonderful. But if someone doesn’t take a bite right away, you could very well go soft and past your prime. You won’t be nearly so delicious a month from now if all you do is languish on the branch. Rest assured that there are many, many people who’d be delighted to take a bite of you, so to speak. They just may not know it’s an option. Clue them in. It’d be a shame for people to miss out on what you have to offer just because you were too shy.





Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

There’s no rush, so stop pushing so hard. Your impatience to get to where you want to go is threatening to capsize the whole ship, and your frantic paddling isn’t directed enough to be effective anyway. I understand your frustration with other people, who are too slow to pick up the oars and choose a direction, but in this case goading them or scolding them won’t do anything but cause further delays. You’ve got to chill out and bite your tongue. That’s bound to be extremely difficult, I know—but it doesn’t change the fact that it’s this week’s test. Failing it will only cause more delays—and sore feelings, to boot.





Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Don’t freak out if things don’t play out the way you expected. Remember, whenever you’re able to roll with surprises like these, you end up much happier overall. Usually, things turn out better than what you imagined in the first place. For that reason, try not to be too attached to one particular outcome. Have faith that whatever happens will turn out to be the best possible scenario for you, even if its positive aspects aren’t yet obvious. When you can look back on this time, you’ll see just why it worked out the way it did.





Aries (March 21-April 19)

Dogs live in the moment. They have memories, of course—they’ll remember if someone hit them or gave them something good to eat. But I doubt they dwell on those memories or let them affect their behavior if that person isn’t standing right in front of them. Can you be more canine this week? I’m worried that you’ll let memories of totally different people negatively influence your reactions to new people coming into your life. It’s not fair to judge or mistrust them based on what happened to you before. Try to forget those things ever happened, and give these guys the blank slate they deserve,





Taurus (April 20-May 20)

This week is all about second, third, maybe even tenth chances. Actually maybe that’s not the best way to phrase it. It’s all about the time someone’s intentions finally “stick,” no matter how often they’ve tried and failed before. If you can actually be open-minded enough to give them the opportunity to make things happen the way they’ve always said they would—this time, against all odds, they may very well do just that. Of course, no one would blame you if you were reluctant to go out on a limb yet again, after they let you down so many times before. In fact, some might call you stupid for trying again. This time, though, it may be worth the risk. If the hopeful part of you says, “Give it another go,” I’d listen.





Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Don’t be foolish. You might as well decide to go on a three-day trek into the desert without bringing any water, confident that you’ll “find some somewhere.” That’s unrealistically optimistic, and so is what you’re contemplating. I don’t think you need to be horribly cynical or pessimistic here, but go ahead and prepare for the worst-case scenario anyway. I’m 90% sure it won’t happen, but why take the risk? This way your ass is covered no matter what happens. If you bring more water into the desert than you need, you can use it to irrigate a cactus on your way out.





Cancer (June 21-July 22)

You can be controlling. Sometimes you get a hold of an idea in your crab claws and you just won’t let go. You’ll do whatever it takes to steer things in the direction you want. What you’re missing is that sometimes it is simply better to just let things unfold. Many times they work out better than what you would have manifested by insisting that everything get done your way. I’m not suggesting you let go of an idea you feel passionate about. All I’m saying is that maybe you should just hang on and see where it takes you, instead of where you can take it.





Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

What if you could just make a decision to be ten percent louder, faster, stronger, and more effective? Would you do it? Remember, with that much increased visibility and power, your level of responsibility would increase, too. Would you want that? It’s okay to aspire to be more than you are, but be aware of all that comes with it. If you really think about it, it might be more than you want to do. If you do step up and accept the added power, make sure you also accept the responsibility that comes with it, with a whole heart and open eyes. Otherwise you could end up seriously letting people down.

Sign Language

Written by Caeriel on . Posted in Posts.


Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Because of the position you put yourself in, you’re subject to more scrutiny and accountability than you’d like. I’m sure it’s uncomfortable, especially given the irony that you try to get away with less than most people (though you’re no angel). Luckily, this week you should be able to get everyone to cut you a little more slack than usual. If you can’t force them to relax their judgment, perhaps get them to loosen their vigilance instead; evading their notice might be easier than escaping their nit-picking. Get your admirers to create a distraction for your critics, if necessary. That should buy you enough time to get into whatever kind of trouble you’d like to get into.





Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

I understand that sometimes people are reluctant to stretch and move after they’ve been injured, but that’s what life is: expanding, growing, learning and getting back up and continuing on after you fall. You need to figure out how to be open and compassionate and loving even though you’ve been burned in the past. Everyone’s been screwed over at some point. If you let that define you forever, you’re being criminally lazy, denying yourself and others the shiny brightness of your full potential. Luckily, it’s never too late. You’ve felt sorry for yourself long enough. Get up, now. Stretch. Open up. Make it a habit.





Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

The trip you’re on is not the intense, uphill-both-ways-in-the-baking-heat trek you’re making it out to be. Sure, there are challenges to the path you’ve chosen, but whining about and exaggerating them isn’t likely to garner you sympathy or help. Let’s see how just how rugged and self-reliant you can be; ironically the less help you need, the more you’ll get. Soldiering on in spite of the obstacles in front of you, without complaint, will get you a lot more positive attention than making a big stink about them ever could. This week, suck it up and try that.





Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

You’re right—you don’t have to prove anything to anyone. You know who you are, and what you’re up to, and none of that will change regardless of who does or doesn’t believe in you. However, I’m sure you can understand why some people might be suspicious, cynical or untrusting. On some level, you may seem too good to be true. Try not to take it personally if someone doubts you and all your bright and shining qualities. It’s a rough world we live in, one that often breeds suspicion and distrust. Cut people a break, and show them that you’re worth believing in.





Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)


Some friends and I were discussing whether most people looked more attractive naked or with their clothes on. In your case, I suggest leaving your metaphorical clothes on—not because what lies beneath isn’t beautiful, but because a bit of mystery is likely to be far more enticing than spelling everything out. No one wants to be deceived, so take care to avoid unpleasant shocks; however, leaving room for pleasant surprises could go a long way towards making your love life the unending thrill you’ve always wanted.





Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Sometimes people can push your buttons; everyone has a sore spot or two they don’t want anyone to touch. But when it’s hard for even total strangers to avoid setting you off, offending or insulting you, then there’s something deeper going on that needs to be addressed. Why has your skin gotten so thin lately? It’s one thing to be sensitive, and quite another to be fragile. This week, spend a little time figuring out just why your nerves are so raw. You can’t do anything about it until you know exactly what “it” is. That, my dear, is this week’s burning question.





Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)


If you really want to feel needed, ask an adventurous friend to put on a blindfold and let you be his caregiver all day. You want people to depend on you, but I’m not sure you know what you might be getting yourself into. Don’t set yourself up to let anyone down. Make sure you’re truly up for whatever you’re offering to do, and will be, no matter what happens in the near future. Will a tiny setback, delay, or bump in the road keep you from coming through? Then please don’t set anyone up to be disappointed, because you’ll surely encounter one or more of those soon enough.





Aries (March 21-April 19)

Do you know why you’re my favorite sign, Aries? Because around you I’m never bored, confused about your intentions or starved for attention. The things that bother other people about you—your occasional obnoxiousness, insensitivity or inconsistency—don’t really bug me much. Fortunately for you, there are a lot of people like me who are more into appreciating your positive qualities than harping on your negative ones. Play those up, and find the people who’ll love you for them, and have a great time this week with the Full Moon (which is in Aries). That’s not say you shouldn’t keep improving yourself whenever you can—just that the bulk of this kind of work can wait until next week.





Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Go ahead and be judgmental. One of the things I like and respect most about you is that you have robust opinions. Whatever you do, don’t pretend you’re chill about something you actually feel strongly about, whatever pressure you feel to make things look that way. It’s not fair to anyone, and this week doing that would lead to some terrible misunderstandings. Own your damn opinions, and don’t let anyone convince you you don’t have a right to them. You do. Being unequivocal about how you feel is an integral part of who you are. Embrace it.





Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Play the mediator, since you’re the only one in a position to do it. You don’t have to pick sides—in fact, since you’re the only one who can see that neither side is really in the wrong, you’re the best person for the job, like it or not. Be careful to stay neutral; after all, despite the intense emotions in the air, this is a conflict of perspective, not right vs. wrong. The people involved may never be able to completely see things the same way as those they oppose, but with your help they should be able to finally come around to a place where they can just agree to disagree. Without your help, I think it’s needless to say, they may just be doomed.





Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Shotgun wedding, here you come! If you’re not careful this week, you could walk unwittingly into insane commitments you aren’t really prepared for, and which you’d have an impossible time getting out of without causing a lot of pain and heartache. In other words, be as tightlipped as possible this week, and do your best to say nothing without thinking about it first. Consider what it might really mean. Be careful, people might try to goad you into saying stuff in the heat of the moment which you’d certainly regret later (and not for the reasons you might imagine). The more you can keep your cool and your mouth shut, the more likely you’ll get through this week without getting stuck somewhere you just don’t want to be.





Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Good or bad, at least you’re consistent. The closer you can get to the core of who you really are, the happier you—and everyone who chooses to be close to you—will be. What you should strive for is an authentic self who can exist in every situation you find yourself in. A lot of people present different sides of themselves depending on their circumstances; if you can be the same genuine person everywhere you go, you’ll find that most of the conflicts of your existence will recede into the background. You’re pretty lucky, if you think about it. Just being the real you, always and forever, is the best gift you can give—to yourself, and to anyone who loves you. The sooner you figure out exactly who “you” are, the better.

Sign Language

Written by Caeriel on . Posted in Posts.


Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

The curtain rises for the second act of your star performance and you discover that half the audience left during intermission. This is depressing any way you cut it, but you shouldn’t feel bad, because it has so little to do with you. In fact, given that what happened during intermission to make so many people leave was the equivalent of Radiohead putting on a free concert across the street, you should feel pretty psyched that so many people stayed to see what else you could do. You owe your many fans your best performance, even if it hasn’t turned out the way you envisioned it.





Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Remember that others don’t always share your balanced, somewhat distanced view of a situation. You can approach certain circumstances with equanimity; since you can see the benefits of multiple possible outcomes, it’s easy for you to simply wait and see what happens. However, others don’t necessarily share that perspective. Take their impatience, urgency, or distress into account. You have the power here to make things easier, more pleasant, or more fulfilling for someone. Or you can sit back and just watch—but I’m betting (and hoping) you’re not that unkind.





Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Just because you show up late to the game doesn’t mean you can’t excel at it. Many late bloomers have proven that it’s not an insurmountable disadvantage to discover a new passion later in life. Yes, you may have to work harder and overcome more obstacles than someone who’s been at this for years, but few can match the follow-through of a determined (i.e. obsessed) Scorpio. There’s very little you should rule out; unless your ambition is to be an Olympic gymnast or a child prodigy, it’s probably not too late. I would, however, quit wasting time, and get to it.





Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

You just can’t win, can you? Your original decision got you so much flak from someone important to you that you actually changed your stubborn mind. That made that person happy, but pissed off a whole bunch of other people. What a mess, and there’s no easy way out. You have to (yet again) accept a simple truth: you can’t please everybody. Stop trying. Ultimately, you need to measure your actions against a yardstick that’s more reliable than gauging people’s fickle acceptance or conditional approval. Try simply doing what’s right—or at the very least what’s right for you.





Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

What’s good for your love life sucks for your career right now, and vice versa. The more you go out of your way to please your boss, the more pissed off your lover will get. And your fervent wishes that your workmates could be understanding about the demands of your personal life won’t make it so. The difficult line you must walk now requires you satisfy enough of the needs of both career and relationship so that you get neither fired nor dumped. I don’t envy you that tightrope juggling act. Unfortunately, unless you’re willing to give up one or the other for good, that’s the one you’ll have to perform.





Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Some of the best opportunities in your life are fleeting ones. In order to take advantage of them, you have to be poised to act on a moment’s notice, to take a graceful, Matrix-like leap into the open window of a moving train, chasing something beautiful. Even if you can’t quite be that spontaneous and open, just keeping your eyes open and your courage fired up should keep you from missing out on much. Don’t be a chicken. You’ll almost always regret the things you didn’t do a lot more than you’ll regret the things you did.





Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

When you have few options, the path forward is clear. Having many brilliant possibilities before you, however, complicates the situation, and forces you to make the kinds of decisions you usually suck at. Would that we all were so “unlucky” as to have a plethora of amazing choices available to us. To you, it’s torture; to someone like a Leo or a Taurus (two signs that have no problem making up their minds), it’d be heaven. When faced with multiple possibilities, try to be like one of those decisive signs. Instead of agonizing over which of these potentially amazing paths is the right one, simply choose one that feels great and make it the right path.





Aries (March 21-April 19)

Considering how strong-willed, bullheaded, and focused you usually are, I’m shocked that someone is even close to convincing you to pursue something you don’t really want (or deny yourself something you actually do). I can’t believe I have to remind you of this: own your desires. There’s nothing wrong with them, and other people’s ideas about what you should or shouldn’t aim for have nothing to do with what’s truly in your heart. Don’t let them sway you. It’s okay to hear and consider what others have to say, but ultimately if the voice of your own heart’s true desires doesn’t carry more weight than the words of the person standing next to you, something’s wrong.





Taurus (April 20-May 20)

We’re more connected than we’ve ever been, and have less privacy. This is what it is. Times change, and you can cling to your old-school ideals all you like. Some may even respect you for it. But when they start holding you back from achieving your own hopes and dreams, it may be worth reconsidering some of them. Is it possible that your stubborn refusal to let go of outdated ideas is keeping you from a job, a lover, or some other opportunity? While it’s certainly possible that this simply means it’s the wrong career/relationship/chance for you, it could also mean that you’re holding yourself back just because you’re not willing to change. Don’t be stubborn just to be stubborn—and pay attention to what it’s costing you.





Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Consider your audience. You may be right and those you’re calling to accounts in the wrong, but the people listening to you might not see it so clearly. What do you actually hope to achieve by taking a stand here and now? Will the tactics you’ve chosen actually accomplish that? Do you think observers would have a more favorable opinion of you after your actions, or a less favorable opinion of those you oppose? Your heart’s in the right place, but the way you’re pursuing your goals is likely to leave you further from them than when you started. This is not an ends-justify-the-means scenario, but your desired ends should certainly inform your means; that is you should make sure the path you’re on actually leads to where you want to go—before you take another step.





Cancer (June 21-July 22)

All your best intentions amount to nothing if you’re really going to give up as soon as you encounter trouble. This is the path you’ve chosen, and you should have been able to see from the get-go that it would be a rocky one. Even if you didn’t, you ought to be guess that giving up now would invalidate most of what you’ve been up to the last couple months, putting you pretty much back at square one. Don’t be so wimpy. You can get through this, and you should. This is a bump in the road, nothing more. If you see it as an immovable mountain, you’re not yet looking at it in the right way.





Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Your patience has been at an all-time low these past few weeks. You’ve noticed, haven’t you? You feel like you’ve been waiting hours; you check your watch and are shocked to discover it’s only been minutes. Two weeks feels like a year. The clock may be ticking but it’s time to get yours checked out, since it’s obviously wound up way too tight. What do you need to slow it down to a more normal and manageable speed? This week, figure that out, before you sprint to the finish line so fast that the other people in the race with you decide it’s not even worth running.

Sign Language

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Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

What you’re up to now is like turning up the air-conditioning so high you need to wear a sweater indoors. You’re overcompensating, and it’ll probably backfire on you. Keep the air-conditioning at fifty degrees and you’ll likely catch a chill. Why are you trying so hard anyway? Is whatever you’re trying so hard to prevent really so disastrous that it merits this much time, energy, and effort? I don’t think so. You have more important things to worry about. Save yourself the stress and the energy bills (both actual and spiritual). Just open the windows, and let whatever wants to happen, happen.





Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Don’t pre-judge. What you think are deal-breakers (and usually are), might still be workable. The key here is to keep an open mind about the person in front of you. Could s/he be the exception to the rule? The guidelines you’ve made for yourself haven’t actually gotten you very far in the past, so an exception is precisely what you need, someone who’s able to get away with breaking most of the rules. Letting someone with this much power into your life might be scary, I know, but you already play it way too safe. Scare yourself by giving it a go. You know what fear is called when you embrace it? A thrill.





Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)


Stop making things so hard for yourself. Don’t go get a job in a pastry shop when your plan is to give up sugar. Give yourself more mental breathing room than that. Subjecting yourself to constant, compelling temptation is just about the dumbest thing you could do. Prove that you’re smarter (and less self-destructive) than that. Your goals are admirable. Please set yourself up so that they’re likely to succeed, not crash and burn horribly. Still confused? I don’t know how to spell it out any more simply, but I’ll try: Self-sabotage is bad. Please make sure you’re not engaging in it, consciously or unconsciously.





Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Imagine you accidentally left the baby sitting in his car seat on the sidewalk next to the car at the last rest stop. The second you realized it, you’d tear over to the other side of the highway and race back as fast as you could, kicking yourself the whole time and freaking out until you knew the poor infant was safe. You wouldn’t give a crap about speed limits or traffic rules or anything like that, would you? This is similar, even if it’s less obvious. Don’t worry about looking stupid or desperate. Do what you have to do to make this happen, and most likely that will mean you need to run, don’t walk, and break whatever rules get in your way.





Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Stop ignoring the facts. What you’re doing right now is examining the scenario and deliberately blinding yourself, saying, “I won’t see anything that’s the color red.” That’s excluding a lot of potentially important information, and isn’t going to lead to you making wise or insightful choices. Whether or not you find these particular facts and details distasteful is irrelevant. Your job here is to be sure you’re making sound, clear decisions, and those are impossible unless you open your eyes to everything, including the stuff you’d rather wasn’t part of the picture.





Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

What’s the point of buying a fancy phone that can surf the Internet, act as tour guide, take pictures, and mow your lawn, when you’re only ever going to use it as a phone? Keep things as simple as you can this week. You don’t necessarily need all the bells and whistles, so why pay for them (really or metaphorically)? Strip everything down to the bare minimum, and only add in ripples, complications and extras when you’re sure you need them. Be brutal. You won’t feel like you’re missing anything. In fact what you’re most likely to feel is a tremendous weight lifted from your shoulders.





Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

You could half-ass it and choose the easy but purely temporary solution, or you could really dig in and fix things for the long-term. That would definitely involve a ton more work and thought on your part, but obviously that’s preferable to the alternative, which is essentially the equivalent of wrapping duct tape around the thing. Bad idea. It’s time to either commit to it, repairing it up from the ground up, or walk away from it and let it fall apart. Patching it up for the moment might have worked before, but that’s not the answer anymore. Throw the duct tape away. It’s of no real use to you now.





Aries (March 21-April 19)

Abstract, you’re not. In fact, your motto is very much, “what you see is what you get.” However, spelling it all out and baldly exposing every detail of your psyche isn’t especially romantic or mysterious. There’s no need to be deliberately obtuse or lie at all, but consider the possibility of fuzzing the details. An abstract or impressionist painting has a beauty all its own, beauty it wouldn’t possess if it didn’t leave a certain amount of detail to the imagination. How much imagination must people employ when trying to figure you out? Up that total by 10-20% and you’ll be in good shape.





Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Don’t deprive yourself of the things you need, out of principle. This is not the equivalent of forcing yourself to go without chocolate for a week or two, or cutting down on your TV habit. This is like trying to quit breathing air, or sleeping. You’ll only be able to go without for so long, and then you’ll end up having to make up for lost time. Stop telling yourself that you shouldn’t need what you know you do. That’s just a waste of time. Wishing you didn’t need to eat or love just can’t make it so. Instead, focus on getting your needs —whatever they are—fulfilled in the least impactful way you can, and then you can get around to the stuff that really interests you.





Gemini (May 21-June 20)


If your heart were a kitchen, you’d have the refrigerator door gaping and turned all the way up, and the oven wide open, set to broil. You’re not only burning the candle at both ends, but you’re working at cross purposes to yourself. Stop tripping yourself up. Decide what temperature this room ought to be, and turn off the oven or close the fridge. I know it’s hard for you make up your mind and commit to one direction, but it’s about time. Until you do, you’ll just keep using up a ton of energy to go nowhere and accomplish nothing.





Cancer (June 21-July 22)

If you own a business with employees, you’ll go nuts if you don’t trust them. Micro-managing everything will set you on a path to a nervous breakdown. Eventually, your best bet is to simply let go and believe that they’ll correctly do what you ask of them. The same holds true of every aspect of your life. Trying to control the minutiae of what happens when you’re not looking will really screw you up in the long run, even if you can get away with it for a little while. Don’t delude yourself, though. For every second detail you attend to personally, you’ll piss off the person who would’ve taken care of it for you. Then, when you need them to come through for you, they won’t. Trust them sooner, rather than later, before they decide to not bother being worthy of that trust.





Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Insanity is sometimes defined as doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. And yet I see people do this all the time. They repeat identical patterns, and act surprised when something similar happens every time. Leos are notoriously bad about this, and yet I know you are also capable of change once you’re convinced it’s necessary. The problem clearly isn’t your flexibility; it’s your reluctance to exercise it. This time around, don’t take so long to figure out and accept that what you’re doing isn’t cutting it, so you can change things up in enough time to get the results you want before they don’t matter.

Sign Language

Written by Caeriel on . Posted in Posts.


Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

If you can’t be there personally, be careful who you choose to represent you. Not everyone who’d volunteer truly has your best interests at heart. In fact, most would put their own selfish desires first and only look after what’s good for you once their own needs are taken care of. This is likely to have small consequences if you’re just sending someone to do the grocery shopping, and tremendous ones if there’s more at stake, like a job or a lover. It might feel harsh to pass over the first volunteer and elect someone who might not even want the job; however, that is nevertheless what I’d recommend.





Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

You couldn’t be more surprised if the Queen of England showed up on your doorstep and declared you her heir to the throne. Unfortunately, if you land yourself in a position of power on any scale, it’s not likely to be as good a deal as it seems at first. In fact, if I were you, I’d be highly suspicious—whoever put you up for the job was probably trying to avoid falling into a trap themselves. However, now that the Queen’s here, it’s not like you can tell her to take the crown back and go home. Now that you know that this is a curse dressed as a blessing, you can start looking for the silver lining of this shit-storm. It may not be as huge or shiny as you’d wish, but it’s there.





Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

It’s like you’re desperately thirsty but refusing to drink because the restaurant only has lemonade, beer, and water, and you’re craving iced tea. Yes, the options before you are nothing like what you came in here looking for, but they’re what’s actually on the menu. Raising a stink isn’t going to make what you want appear out of thin air. Yes, you could walk out and try someplace different, but chances are it’ll be more of the same. Make the best of things as they are right now, instead of wishing they were otherwise, or passing them up because they’re not perfect. Have a damn beer, chill out, and enjoy it as much as you can.





Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Watch out for the sucker punch. You’ve gone so long relatively unchallenged that the only way anybody will have the guts to try to knock you down is by attempting to surprise you, go behind your back, or otherwise take advantage of your laidback nature and your trust. Now, don’t get all paranoid and suspicious. The vast majority of people in your life still deserve the benefit of the doubt. There are one or two people you know who are a little shadier. You know who I’m talking about. Keep an eye on them, this week.





Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Here’s to quitting your day job, or transforming it into something you actually like. That means being more imaginative, resourceful, and risk-taking than you have been this past year. While it’s not necessarily time to take the leap just yet, that moment is fast approaching. You already have some ideas about how you might bring about this exciting and hopefully more fulfilling chapter of your breadwinning career. Spend this week setting yourself up so that when it’s time to jump, you’ll be suited up and ready, with a parachute and a soft place to land.





Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

People change, even you. While your thorough self-knowledge can be a strength, as with all these things it can hold you back as well. What you knew about yourself years ago may no longer be true, only you haven’t bothered to check. Your assumption that you’re the same person you were a decade ago is more wrong than right. Take a minute to review what you think you know about yourself. Some of your dreams, desires, and preferences have mutated while you weren’t looking. Take a few minutes to reassess and reorder your priorities accordingly.





Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

How long will you let yourself feel stuck in your own skin? Everyone wants to change, and you’ve already figured out that you’re not like those impetuous Aries or determined Capricorns; you can’t wreak true transformation on yourself overnight. You need time to practice being the new you, time to unlearn your habits. Give yourself that time this week. Hint: It’s a lot easier to try on a new way of being someplace where no one knows you. Head out of town to get your practice in. When you get back home, you won’t be a different person, but you’ll be a step or two closer to the you you want to be than you were before.





Aries (March 21-April 19)

Learn tact. Usually, you just bumble through with your brash, uncensored honesty and people roll with it, forgiving you when you go too far and finding you hilarious and refreshing when it’s just enough. However, that strategy doesn’t always work, because it requires a certain amount of goodwill on the part of those listening to you. Your kind of somewhat brutal truth only makes those already hostile toward or suspicious of you more defensive. This week might require a bit more diplomacy. You actually know more about being polite and subtle than you let on. This week, show us just how inoffensive you can be.





Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Knowing what you like is mostly a good thing, but it’s also limiting. Just because the rut you’re stuck in is comfortable doesn’t make it any less of a rut. Go ahead and stick to the tried-and-true most of the time, but make openings so something fresh and unfamiliar can enter your life. Resolve to try one new thing a day, starting now. Out of the 365 things you’ll sample in the next year, I predict no fewer than twelve will make you wonder how you lived without them before, and one will have the potential to transform your life. On the one hand, this may not seem like a great ratio—343 “failed” experiments await you, after all—but on the other hand, I can’t see how you could pass it up, anyway.





Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Don’t get too upset if you’re disrespected by someone you barely know this week. Also, don’t go out of your way to try to “fix” their ideas about you. People are likely to not only see their own skewed version of you, but to misinterpret what you’re up to. I wouldn’t waste my time trying to correct them right now. Instead keep up with your own agenda, and give these people as little time, thought, and energy as you can get away with right now. There’ll be time to address their misconceptions later, if you still want to.





Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Some people just plain don’t like you, and they’re not likely to be shy about expressing it this week. What you have to ask yourself is this: do they hate who you are, or your actions? Obviously, if it’s your very identity they disapprove of, there’s not much you can do about it; I’d just ignore it, and them, in that case. If it’s what you’re up to that’s consternating them, however, that’s a different story, since it’s something you could actually do something about. Ask yourself if you could quit what you’re doing to make someone happy. In most cases, the answer would be, “Screw that,” but this week I’ll wager it’s worth asking yourself twice.





Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

You’re you without apology, and you wouldn’t really have it any other way. However, that does occasionally lead to some tough situations where you have to face the fact that some people just can’t stand you. Stick to your guns anyway, even in the face of what may turn into open hostility. Be real. What you’ll discover is that your enemies and critics are no less likely to back down than you are. However, when you boldly stand your ground and face them, your allies are much more likely to come out of the woodwork, and chances are—if you’ve been principled and consistent, anyway—they’ll outnumber your detractors two to one.

Sign Language

Written by Caeriel on . Posted in Posts.


Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Talk about barking up the wrong tree. Persistence won’t help you here; it doesn’t matter how determined you are if you’re looking in the wrong place. You’ll never find what you seek there. You may have to face the possibility that what you want just isn’t out there and available to you right now. That doesn’t mean you’ll never find it, just that there’s no real point in pursuing it at the moment. You already kind of suspected that all this effort you were putting forth would ultimately lead to disappointment; why not just call it quits now, and put that energy into one of the numerous things that are going well?





Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)


When you screw up, you get more negative fallout than you fairly should. This is because you rarely make big mistakes; it’s like the straight-A student getting caught cheating on a test. You get more than your share of disappointment and perhaps even punishment than the guy everyone thought would copy the answers if he could. It’s not the least bit fair, but complaining about it won’t change much. When you get flak for screwing up this week, just suck it up and move on, and realize this is what you get for elevating people’s expectations. It’s better than being expected to fail, isn’t it?





Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Encourage scrutiny. The interesting and appealing thing about the scenario you’re facing is that the more closely someone takes a look at who you are and what you’re up to, the more impressed they’ll be. A cursory glance at your agenda is not likely to catch anyone’s attention, but if someone manages to give it a second look—to give you a second look—chances are they’ll stick around to find out more. The trick is getting them to give you that crucial double-take—figuring out just how to do that, of course, is this week’s challenge.





Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Forget second chances. You already blew that shot. You probably don’t even deserve a third chance, to be fair, but this week you could land one anyway, if you wanted to. Before you go there, though, make sure it’s what you really want. After all, you already botched this twice. Don’t knock on, open, or walk through that door unless you’re pretty damn sure that this time you’re ready for what you’ll find there. I think it mostly goes without saying that this wouldn’t just be your third chance; it’d be your last one, too.





Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

There’s a time to get pissed off about the status quo, and a time to simply accept it. Determining which this is depends on you. You can change things, if you want, although it might require tremendous effort. Are you willing to make that effort? Bitching and moaning about something without bothering to try to change it is a useless waste of time and energy. Don’t bother. If you’re going to let yourself get fired up, then you’d better be prepared to step up and put your money where your mouth is. Otherwise, I advise just letting it go, and keeping your mouth shut. Change it or live with it. No griping allowed.





Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

It boggles my mind that some scientist believe Earth is the only place in the entire universe where life exists, just because we haven’t yet discovered empirical evidence to the contrary. It’d much harder to believe that in the vastness of the cosmos nowhere else had the conditions to produce life. Sometimes, it’s safe to make assumptions based on overwhelming odds that something is so, even if you have no proof. This is one of those times. You don’t know the specifics of the situation, but you have every reason to believe that your guesses are right. Given that it would be shocking if you were wrong about your hunches, stop wasting time waiting for confirmation and just proceed as if they’re proven fact.





Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

The sooner you realize that most people are assholes who don’t give a crap about other people until they’re given a reason to, the better off you’ll be. Once you embrace this cynical extreme and acknowledge the grain of truth in it, you can stop expecting people to be more than selfish or self-centered. At that point, instead of being disappointed because people don’t live up to the angelic ideal you wished for, you can be pleasantly surprised that hardly anyone is worthy of the pessimistic assessment I described above. Most people, of course, fall somewhere between saintly and criminally selfish. Learning to treasure them for their generosity will ultimately make you much happier than reviling them for their shortcomings.





Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Be as scientific as your intuitive, logic-shunning brain will allow this week. You need to be analytical, scrupulously methodical and, above all else, avoid leaping to conclusions, because whatever assumptions you make will almost certainly be wrong or inaccurate in some crucial way. Acting on hypotheses will get you into all kinds of trouble, and probably be embarrassing, too. Everyone must be innocent until proven guilty, and receive the benefit of your doubt.





Aries (March 21-April 19)

You know that thing that you keep butting your head against, with only a headache to show for it? Guess what? It’s not going to change. You already knew that, but your stubbornness forced you to persist, anyway. Give up. Once you accept that it’s immovable, your choice becomes simpler and easier to make: love it or leave it. Discard the options in-between. They’re just compromises that will only delay the inevitable. If you really can’t come around to accepting and embracing what’s before you, you need to walk away. There’s no point in sticking around, since it will just make it more painful when you split later on.





Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Whatever you decide to get into is totally okay; just make sure you own it. Doing something halfheartedly or in secret is likely to backfire on you right now, so it’s best to make your decisions and do your thing as openly, enthusiastically, and transparently as possible. If you really can’t be that honest about your actions and decisions, you may have to allow for the possibility that they may be the wrong ones. Reassess your choices and why you think you need to keep them hidden from those who care about you. It’s time to come out of the closet about what you’re up to or quit doing it altogether until you can.





Gemini (May 21-June 20)

You haven’t really done anything wrong, although I understand why you’re apologizing. In your head, taking the blame often seems the easiest way to move through the conflict and just put it behind you. However, it’s hardly fair, and doesn’t really give you much ground to stand on if and when you ever decide to take a stand. It also doesn’t allow for actual resolution of the conflict since you can’t solve a problem you’re not really causing. Stop undermining yourself for the sake of simply avoiding conflict, and start addressing the real roots of that conflict, no matter what it costs you to do so.





Cancer (June 21-July 22)

I’m not a big fan of all-or-nothing solutions. I don’t think completely cutting someone or something out of your life is necessarily the answer here. However, it could be the temporary transitional solution you need to get to a healthier place. Give yourself some mental breathing room and order a total blackout on a relationship that isn’t currently good for you. Make sure you have at least a week (or longer, if you think that’s what it’ll take) to think about what new place, if any, this person or activity should occupy in your life. Of course you can ignore my suggestion and just keep on as you have, but be warned: that path will lead to the all-or-nothing scenario I think you want to avoid, and when you get to that point, there’ll be no turning back.

Sign Language

Written by Caeriel on . Posted in Posts.


Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Thinking outside of the box is all well and good, and I encourage it in general, but sometimes the inside-the-box solution is perfectly viable, and a lot more convenient. Going out of your way to come up with an unconventional answer to a conventional question can be great fun, but in this case it’s not necessary, and will probably slow you down quite a bit. Wouldn’t it be better to just get this particularly uninspiring task over and done with, so you can move on to the more interesting stuff that actually requires your creative genius?





Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

You might be so busy fighting your personal battles that you don’t even notice who your allies—or, I should say, your potential allies—are. There are people whose goals are aligned closely enough with your own that you could easily team up, assuming you bothered to notice them, and make the suggestion. This is a total win-win; you need only take advantage of it. Naturally, if you’d rather forge on solo, that’s your call—but considering that together you’d all accomplish much, much more than you would have on your own, I can’t see why’d you pass up the chance.





Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

I know you think you’ve just been looking for the things and people you want in all the wrong places. Actually, you’ve been looking in most of the right places, but just turned up empty-handed. Usually it’s useful to leave no stone unturned, but sometimes that’s just a waste of time, as it would be this week. Don’t completely shelve the searches you’ve had such bad luck on so far; just put them on the backburner until new doors open and new opportunities present themselves. For now, consider the possibility that because you were so busying looking for A and B in all the scenarios available to you that you completely missed the stunning and awesome X and Z that were right in front of your nose all along. Go back and find them.





Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Sometimes all you can do is run down the list of excuses you have to not do something, and methodically eliminate them, one by one. You know what you’ve got to do, but there’s a stubborn part of your brain that’s going to insist on trying to trip you up or otherwise keep you from actually getting there. You can’t turn that part of your brain off, so all you can do right now is try to thwart it, which will involve being more creative, resourceful, and determined than it is. Can you beat yourself at your own game? This week, find out.





Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

The psychic vibe this week is like a hot, sticky, still summer day, where the air almost feels too thick to breathe. Luckily, your magic power is the ability to cut through that. You’re a thunderstorm rolling in and shaking things up, and washing the heat right out of the air with the very force of your dramatic presence. Your purpose right now is to break shit down. Don’t be afraid to knock out power to whole neighborhoods and give people a scare and a soaking they won’t soon forget. That’s what you’re supposed to be doing. If you’re not make a lot of noise and changing the dynamics of the situations you find yourself in (hopefully for the better), you’re not doing your job.





Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Last night I dreamt I saw an action-horror movie in which a glamorous vampiress devoured her enemies one by one. Gradually, as the “film” progressed, I realized that I was rooting for her to triumph, even though traditionally I guess you’re supposed to hope that the “good guys” win. When in the final scenes she hopped into a stolen sports car to flee from those who’d kill her, and had trouble operating the stick shift, I stepped into the movie and drove it for her, and helped her make a clean getaway. Most of the “good guys” and “bad guys” in your world are exactly what they seem; one or two, though, might break the mold. Reexamine them, and see if they might need your help. If they do, step in and give it to them.





Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Instead of waiting for the people who are supposed to take care of business to get off their asses and actually do it, step up yourself and get the shit done. It’s not technically your job, but you’re just as qualified, and certainly more motivated. The alternative is sitting around, stewing, and waiting for something that might never happen. Another possibility might be hanging back and watching as someone else volunteers and botches the job entirely. Suck it up and do it yourself. Given the crap that’ll hit the fan if you don’t, that really is the best-case scenario.





Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

You can’t avoid everything you find unpleasant, but you don’t have to be quite so tolerant. There are certain people and scenarios you could easily eliminate from your day-to-day without any major negative repercussions. All that’s stopping you is your own squeamishness and indecision. You’ll always be able to see the positive sides of everyone and everything in your life, but at this point it should be clear that in certain cases, the bad definitely outweighs the good. Stop putting up with shit you don’t have to, especially since you have ample evidence that it’s never going to change. Just get rid of it, already.





Aries (March 21-April 19)

What seems like definitive information isn’t. You’re only looking at part of the picture, so leaping to conclusions based on the limited information before you wouldn’t be wise, especially since you’re quite likely to embrace dramatic positions you’d regret later, once new information came to light. Don’t set yourself up for embarrassment. You already spend way too much time with your foot in your mouth, trying to cram words you need to eat past your toes. Hold off on the dramatic pronouncements for a while, and wait until you’re quite certain you’re seeing the big picture, and won’t need to recant whatever position you take.





Taurus (April 20-May 20)

What started out looking like a lot of fun has turned out to be a total drag. You weren’t led to this place by false pretences, per se, but you may as well have been, because what you saw is not what you got. In other words, the glimpse you got beforehand understandably caused you to make assumptions that were far from accurate. Sometimes that can lead to pleasant surprises, but in this case, it didn’t. That mostly lets you off the hook. I wouldn’t just walk away from this without a word, but I would walk away. Offer an honest, non-bitchy explanation about what you’re up to, then take your leave.





Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Are you sure you don’t have a hidden agenda? Sometimes you do, and don’t realize it until after the fact, when you get what you secretly wanted all along. You know how easy it is for you to fool people. Don’t gloss over the possibility that you might be deceiving yourself as well. What are your real motivations here? Can you be honest with yourself about what you want, and what outcome you’re trying to bring about with your actions, either consciously or unconsciously? If you can, you can also go about manifesting that directly rather than covertly, which could potentially prevent numerous misunderstandings and bruised egos later.





Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Unfortunately, the more you fret, the better you’ll get at it. Just like anything else, practice makes perfect. Tomorrow you’ll be able to cram more intense worry into less time than you could yesterday. Obviously, this is an unhealthy cycle, and one I hope you figure out how to escape from. Accept now that you’ll never be able to entirely let go of worry; in some ways it’s hardwired into your brain. Instead of trying to suppress it, your best bet is to counter it. Luckily, you can develop other, better thought habits, which you can use to drown out the nagging little voice in your brain that will always point out what might go wrong, forever. This week, practice those.

Sign Language

Written by Caeriel on . Posted in Posts.


Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Although you have your introspective moments, you’re mostly a social creature, luckily. Everyone wants a piece of you this week, and by all means you should try to give it to them. Visit with everyone. Cram your schedule with pleasurable social activities and try to dole out quality time liberally. It’s nice to be so popular and loved, but things will only stay that way if you take the time to give the love and attention back to those who’d lavish it upon you. Vow to give better than you get and you won’t go wrong.





Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)


You hate being a hardass. You avoid having to tell the harsh truth to people or make difficult, unpleasant decisions. This is one of the reasons you’re happy to leave someone else in charge and just do all the labor to make their ventures successful. Sometimes, however, you’re stuck doing this kind of dirty work, too, and must let someone know they’re being cut because of poor performance. “Why me?” you may wail, but you already know. It’s because you’re simultaneously kind and effective. You’ll get the job done, but in a much more compassionate way than anyone else would. You can’t shirk dishing out the “killing blow,” but at least you can make it as swift and painless as possible.





Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Sometimes you may have to lie to get what you want. This isn’t one of them, though. In fact, any lie you tell right now is a million times more likely to backfire and ultimately drag you further from your dreams and goals. Unfailingly tell the unvarnished truth, even if it isn’t what you think people want to hear. You might be surprised. Even if you can’t bring yourself to spill the entire honest story, at least don’t embellish it with fabrications. Just stick to frank disclosure when you can, and simply shut up when you can’t.





Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)


Although you have no problem being brutally honest with people when you must, you often find it expedient to mislead or misinform them instead, or at least let them carry on with their delusions. While bursting someone’s bubble can feel like an incredibly callous and cruel thing to do, sometimes you’re doing them a kindness—albeit one they’ll probably never thank you for. This kind of cruel compassion is actually one of your strengths. Exercise it this week. You won’t experience any gratitude for your efforts, but if you can steer people to paths more suitable for them (or harden their resolve so they might actually succeed at the goal they’re pursuing), that should be its own reward.





Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)


Be picky. Spread before you is a magnificent buffet. However, if you try to take a little bit of everything, you’ll be stuffed before you’ve sampled half of it. You need to recognize the limitations you’re stuck with and pick and choose which things you’ll pick up to taste, and which you’ll have to regretfully pass by. Sure, you might accidentally miss out on something that looks horrible but tastes great, but that’s always a risk. Being choosy now will make you more likely to discover the flavors your soul is craving than being gluttonous ever could.





Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Screw the office. Wherever you usually work is doing more to stifle you than make you productive. Do what you can to get out of that place this week. Luckily, if you’re creative and resourceful enough, you should be able to find a way to go someplace new, and probably get paid while you’re there. Now that you know this is probably an option, I can’t imagine why you wouldn’t pursue it. This is a win-win. You get a change of pace, and will consequently produce more and better work. All you have to do to make it happen is to convince someone else that that’s true.





Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)


Just when you thought it was all over, one last chance rises from the ashes, phoenix-like. Ride it. You may be able to get the job, the lover, or the opportunity after all, just as you’d given up on it. It’s a slim possibility, but that’s more than you had yesterday. All you have to do is be ready to leap on it when it appears. Don’t give up yet! You still may have to let this dream go, but save that for next week. For now, get ready to grab at this thin thread of hope. It might be strong enough to climb all the way to the top. How cool would that be if you did?





Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Relax! Why are you getting so tense about this? Oh, I get it. You have the feeling that you can actually control the outcome here, so you’re straining and stressing to have it go the way you want it to. I should be able to relieve you of that burden. Like so many other things, this, too, is out of your hands. That apparent influence and control you have is actually an illusion. There, isn’t that a relief? Be ready to do your best; beyond that you can just let it go. Now, go chill out.





Aries (March 21-April 19)

You’re probably foaming at the mouth for some of the big changes you see coming down the pike. It may feel like it’s taking forever for your new chapter to kick in, but it’ll be here before you know it. For now, instead of building up the new stuff inside your head, try to enjoy the old stuff while it’s still around. Even though you think you’re sick of it now, you’ll actually miss it once it’s gone forever. Since you know without a doubt that the next chapter will be kicking in soon, can you just slow down and savor the last few paragraphs of this one?





Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Who do you trust to be fair and compassionate, but willing to cut through the bullshit and tell you how it is? You desperately need someone like this in your life right now. Chances are, they won’t just step forward on their own and tell you what you need to hear. They need to be sincerely invited and encouraged to do so. Once you do that, you truly need to be cool with what they have to say, even if it’s not at all what you wanted to hear. My suggestion is to ask them, then really trust and heed them. That would lead to the best-case scenario. If you don’t think you can do that, then don’t bother asking them at all; it’s probably better you remain where you are a bit longer.





Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Simplify, simplify, simplify. Trusting people to be able to wrap their heads around the big complicated ideas you’re juggling these days would be a mistake. You need to break things down for them, into bite-sized chunks, or else set yourself up for infuriating disappointment followed by frustrating failure. Don’t tell yourself that people ought to be able to handle what you can. That’s true, they should be able to hack it—only they can’t. Recognize that, so you can adapt to it, and make things work in spite of it. Until you’re able to let go of your ideas about what ought to be, and instead embrace what is, success will be entirely out of your reach.





Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Let’s pretend you decided to produce, direct, and star in a theatrical production. You’d already decided which role you’d like for yourself. Since you’re calling the shots, the role’s yours if you want. However, someone else may come along this week who’s more qualified to step in and play that part, probably better than you could. Can you be generous and selfless enough—and devoted enough to the overall success of the venture—to step aside and let them have it? There’ll still be other parts you can play, and you can take solace in the fact that without you it wouldn’t happen at all. That’s the question of the week: Which will make you happier? Fulfilling your personal desires, or more fully realizing a bigger dream, albeit while playing a smaller part in it?

Sign Language

Written by Caeriel on . Posted in Posts.


Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

What good is royalty without royalties? It’s one thing to be noble, and another thing entirely to live like nobility. It’s not that you’re poor; let’s just say that your income doesn’t necessarily match the lifestyle to which you’d like to become accustomed. Luckily there’s a way you can bank in on the investments you’ve already made, specifically those improving your own character. If you take proper advantage of these, you may be able to nearly painlessly expand your worth. Chances are it will probably never quite hit the level of royalty, but this week you should have an opportunity to get a little closer to that dream.





Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

The kitchen where you cook up your ideas is running on reserve power. The light bulbs are flickering and dim, the fridge that normally keeps your ideas crisp and cool isn’t quite doing its job, and there’s just not enough electricity to operate the heavy-duty appliances at all. You need to tap into some new source of energy that will have you churning out inspired cupcakes and cocktails like you used to be able to. Luckily, this week such a source should be intensely obvious, shining like a beacon and just waiting for you to tap in.





Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

As I sat down to write your horoscope, I very clumsily doused myself with my morning chai. As I sit here, sticky, I want you to remember that sometimes shit just happens. At some point, fault and consequences have to cease to matter. Even if it was preventable, it’s over now, and it’s better to just move on from it, rather than dwelling on it forever. You’ve given this mistake—if that’s what it was—enough time, and done your best to make amends if they were necessary. Now go hop in the shower, wash off the mess, and move on.





Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

You’ve never made a point of seeking out comfort, at least not in the traditional sense. You’d rather force yourself to become comfortable in uncomfortable circumstances than compromise. Even if it doesn’t have to be all or nothing, you occasionally make it so, and end up putting up with a lot you wouldn’t have to, were you willing to settle for something less than ideal. Sometimes I wish you’d just make up your mind to make the best of things, rather than holding out for something that will probably never happen. I doubt you’ll change your mind just because I suggest it, but if you were going to implement a compromise, this would be a good week to do it.





Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)


The problem in front of you has a simple solution, but those trying to solve it just aren’t seeing it. You see it, but so far they haven’t listened to you. This week you’re faced with a dilemma you don’t often face—getting people to hear and heed you. Because you’re not especially soft-spoken, you’re at a loss, when your words go unheard, about what you can do to get the attention of those who need to hear what you have to say. On the other rare occasions when this has happened, you’ve thrown up your hands, said, “I tried,” and left them to court disaster on their own. Don’t do that this time. Make them hear you, whatever it takes.





Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

When you end up in a leadership role, you usually do things very much by the book—frequently quite strictly. However, that kind of rigidity won’t serve you well this week. You’ll encounter so much backlash and resistance that the project might get stalled entirely. You need to exercise trust in people and be as laissez-faire as you can right now. Let them succeed or fail on their own. If it does all fall apart, yes, you’ll get stuck picking up the pieces. However, as keeping faith and trust is the only chance to get the job done at all, I suggest you try it.





Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

This week’s influences have made you very easy to overlook or forget about. Don’t take it personally, but you will find that you’ll need to speak up louder and make a special effort to be noticed and heard. Of course this could work to your advantage as well; if there were anything you ever wanted to get away with on the down-low, this might be the perfect time to do it. However keep in mind that just because no one notices you getting into trouble now doesn’t mean that they won’t figure it out (and call you on it) later.





Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Since you’re always at odds with yourself, you frequently make bad choices. Which of your internal voices, after all, should you listen to? Choose poorly, and you may end up a long way down a path that’s no good for you. However, this can also be regarded as a source of strength. Because of your mixed internal signals, it means many different options are open to you. Choices are a good thing, even if some of them are necessarily bad ones. Don’t ignore your gut, but let your head get some say here. When choosing someone or something to bring into your life—if your gut is torn between two, allow your head to decide. Which one will ultimately keep you happiest, most cared-for, and most entertained, over the long-term?





Aries (March 21-April 19)

I don’t think it’s much of a secret. Although I have an appreciation for every sign of the zodiac, you Rams are by far my faves. I’ve simply never met an Aries who didn’t keep me entertained and make me smile more often than not. Best of all, you seem to thrive off the positive attention of fans like me. This week you’ll have a good chance of finding it. If you’re feeling starved for that kind of adoration, go out looking for it. Luckily, no one is depending on you to be subtle or slick. Just go be your brash, bold, outrageous self. It’s good advertising.





Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Reward compromise. There’s at least one person in your life who is so opinionated that they won’t allow compromise. He makes unreasonable demands and because everyone else involved is willing to bend, and he’s not, he gets his way most of the time. Don’t let that stand this week. You’re in the position of power here, and those who are most able to be flexible should be the ones who benefit from that flexibility, not the diva who can’t or won’t. Don’t feel bad because someone stubborn backed you up against a wall. Let him figure it out when the rest of you climb over and leave him alone on the other side.





Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Be wary of some of the attention you’re getting right now. What these people are enchanted with is perceived potential, not necessarily who and what you are right now. Whether or not you choose to go down the paths they’ve secretly selected for you will determine whether you continue to have their interest three months from now. While you certainly shouldn’t reject these people or this type of attention out of hand, I wouldn’t let it go to your head or change your course. You need to do what you want, not what they want. If that turns out to be the same thing, great. If not, I wouldn’t worry. There are plenty of amazing people who love you just the way you are; as cheesy as that sounds, it’s also true.





Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Chances are you are much the same person you were ten years ago. However, I do hope that your strong sense of self—both a blessing and a curse, in this case—hasn’t kept you from moving forward in your life. Things look less hopeful and shiny now than they did a decade ago, but hopefully your dreams are more realistic and achievable now than they were then. Personally, I think it’s better to have a handful of realistically achievable dreams than a thousand pies in the sky. Even if you’re not feeling as hopeful as you ought to, please remember: it’s never too late to start over.

Sign Language

Written by Caeriel on . Posted in Posts.


Cancer (June 21-July 22)

What started out as an exercise in flexibility may end up somewhere surprising. While playing devil’s advocate, you might come around to the point you’re making and take on that viewpoint for real. While play-flirting with someone, you could discover you’re actually attracted to them. This is what play is for, after all—it’s a chance to experiment with angles and attitudes that might not initially seem serious, but could turn out to fit you better than you ever imagined. Don’t be afraid to play, this week or any week. It’s the only thing likely to get you to where you really ought to go.





Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

It’s weird the way your behavior sometimes changes when you want someone to like you. Oddly, many Leos actually become less appealing when they shift into this mode. (This naturally ends up giving you the impression that you’re incredibly unlucky in love, which isn’t actually the case.) Keep being your somewhat abrasive, bossy, generous, and hyper-confident self! It’s real, and it’s the person any potential lover or friend would ultimately have to be cool with and into. Pretending you’re quieter, gentler, or shyer than you are simply can’t accomplish anything particularly good. Please don’t bother.





Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

What you’re up to is like browsing garage sales in the late afternoon. All the good stuff has been snatched up already, but if you’re open-minded and flexible enough, this is when you’re likely to find the best deals. The sellers are eager to unload their crap, and you could pick up a fixer-upper at an amazing bargain. If you really had your heart set on one thing, you should have shown up in the morning while they were still setting up. That moment has passed now, and your best bet is to let your imagination run free, and see what you can create out of what’s still available.





Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Some guy near Milwaukee came up with the insanely perverse and shortsighted idea of skipping out on bills by faking heart attacks. He got out of a bunch of cab bills, restaurant bills, and so on this way, before he was finally exposed. Now he’s likely to go to prison. Clearly this fellow hadn’t thought through his plan very well, and I wonder how the hassle of an ambulance ride to the hospital seemed like a better deal than just shelling out $25 for his dinner. I’m worried that your own scales are similarly (although hopefully not so extremely) out of whack, probably because of your emotional investment in the situation. Get them retuned before you start making choices like Mr. I’m Having Chest Pains. How? Check in with your sanest and most cynical friend. They’ll set you straight.





Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

When I was in school, I resented having to waste time and energy on skills and subjects that had absolutely no relevance for me, like perfecting my handwriting or learning trigonometry. It made the whole schooling experience lose credibility for me, because even my teachers couldn’t explain or justify why we needed to be good at that stuff. Your credibility’s in question, too, as you seem fixated on points as academic and largely irrelevant as, say, learning Latin. Correct your course. Make sure that the hoops you’re asking people to jump through are worth the effort they’ll have to make.





Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Everyone thinks they’re a natural at sex, but almost no one is. Of course, it’s possible to improve on your own, with experience, practice, and feedback, but for those not quite sensitive or imaginative enough, sex schools might be the answer. Workshops and classes are popping up everywhere, teaching people how to stimulate their partner(s), talk dirty, or even kiss. I think it’d be great to be able to point those who really need it in the right direction. You’re likely to be asked to go learn something you think you already know this week. Instead of being resentful, give whoever’s asking you the benefit of the doubt, and go anyway.





Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Everyone has vices. With your willpower and determination, you could ditch yours—if you chose to. What’s missing is a reason. After all, you can handle them, and even though you know that you’re not necessarily making the healthiest choices 100% of the time, what you’re up to isn’t all that bad, in the grand scheme of things. Unless someone could point to something amazing that you’re missing out on because of the choices you make, you’re not likely to unlearn those “bad” habits any time soon. However, if you ask someone you know to give you good reason to move on this week, they will.





Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)


I know you’re reluctant to take control of the situation, as you’ve already got a lot on your plate, but this week it’s likely to become apparent that you have to anyway. Without your intervention, it will either fall apart entirely, or end up a disaster. I know it’s frustrating to not have people you can rely on in this case, but don’t let the principle of the thing keep you from doing what you have to do to make it come off a success. You can go ahead and tear people apart (or quietly find replacements) afterwards. For now, make this shit happen.





Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

When forced to sing for your supper, you can usually deliver. Even though you dread like the plague being put on the spot, you nearly always come through when it actually happens. Perhaps it’s time to become less fearful of this, and stop doing your best to avoid any situation where it might occur? We can both agree that it’s less than ideal. However, can you see that sometimes, despite that, it leads to amazing opportunities and adventures (and yes, sometimes just a hassle)? It’s worth going there in any case, whenever you can stand to, especially right now.





Aries (March 21-April 19)

You are so impetuous and flexible that a lot of people get the impression that you’re also fickle and flaky. While some Aries are indeed those things, most are actually quite loyal and steadfast, if easily distracted in the moment. Ultimately your ideal partner will be entertained and inspired by these rapid shifts and not disturbed by them, and they’ll trust you enough to know that you’ll be back by their side before they’ve even had a chance to miss you. If whoever you’re currently hanging with can’t do that, it’s a good week to decide if they just need time to get there, or if they never really will. Once you know that, you’ll also know what to do next.





Taurus (April 20-May 20)

One of my favorite columnists says that every relationship fails until one doesn’t. This simple truth can keep people from telling themselves the story that they suck at relationships and will never have one that works. While it’s useful to look at yourself (because you really might suck at relationships), it’s not useful to believe that you’ll never get into a more or less healthy, happy relationship—that can all too easily become a self-fulfilling prophecy.  Look at yourself critically, and be the best person you can be, but this week be sure you’re not actually being too harsh, or sabotaging yourself. Remember this: Your own self-judgments and sabotage are much more likely to hold you back than your actual flaws.





Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Don’t paint meanness as a virtue. Sure, you might get a laugh now and again if your nastiness is clever enough, but if you can’t see the virtue of avoiding hurting people when you can, there’s something wrong. It’s very easy for those with sly wit to develop a habit of subtly or blatantly putting down others, just to get a laugh or artificially elevate themselves. What’s even worse is when they mock people who are obviously wounded by it. While most Geminis I’ve known are generally sweet and generous people, I’ve met a few who make a practice of verbally demolishing everyone in sight. I don’t know if they end up unhappy and alone, but a part of me hopes so. Please make sure you’re not one of them?

Sign Language

Written by Caeriel on . Posted in Posts.


Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Cancers are rarely early adopters. You’re happy to pick up a “new” gadget a year or three after it’s turned out to be a huge success, and you’re more likely to watch a trendy TV show once it’s come out on DVD. You’ve got enough going on without being concerned with what the hottest and newest thing might be, or wasting money and time on something that might turn out to be a bust. However, the opportunity before you is too good to pass up. Even though it’s hardly a sure thing, you need to jump on this one, or miss out entirely.



Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

If you’re given reason to second-guess yourself this week, heed it. Take another, much closer look at your choices and make sure that they’re the right ones. Generally, it’s best not to overthink things—usually your first guess is the best one. However, that’s not always true. Sometimes your initial impulse is very, very bad. Occasionally the universe even tosses you a little hint that you might be heading in the wrong direction. Ignore such an omen at your peril this week. It’s probably the only warning you’ll get before you make a terrible mistake.



Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Sometimes there’s no way to get through a situation without hurting someone. Frequently, the alternative is hurting yourself instead, an option you often choose. However, that’s not possible here. You’ve got to find your way through a very tricky situation. While you should by all means still pursue the course that causes the least amount of pain for the fewest people, you need to accept now that there’s no perfect option. Someone’s going to suffer, no matter what. It’s better you choose who and try to minimize the damage than to just let things run their course—that would certainly be worse for everyone concerned.



Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)


What’s this bullshit about keeping “the devil you know” around? You’ve got an opportunity to get rid of something or someone bad in your life and you’re wondering whether or not to take advantage of it? Why? Because you’re worried that something worse might swoop in to take its place? That’s just lame. It’s much, much more likely that something amazing—or at least tolerable—will fill the gap left behind by whoever’s currently playing Beelzebub in your world. You have an opportunity to figuratively throw him off the train, you take it. Don’t even think twice.



Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Imagine you’re crossing a tightrope over a deep, craggy chasm. The key here is to not lose your head. Keep moving, and don’t look down. Take little cautious baby steps if you have to, but never, ever stop. If you do, you might have trouble getting going again, and the longer you stay perched in the middle of this precarious scenario, the more likely you’ll plummet and fall to your doom. You got yourself into this mess, but there’s point in kicking yourself about it, and trying to back out is likely to be even more calamitous than simply proceeding. Keep on trucking, my dear. Forward is the only direction left.



Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Tales of unicorns, faeries, centaurs, sea monsters, prehistoric floods, alien visitations and yeti can be found in cultures the world over. Shared genetic memory? Odd coincidence? Similarly, you’re likely to discover that someone you know has a deep and intimate connection to your own personal mythology or faith, whether it’s a profound conviction that Jesus rocks, or that you’re Cleopatra reincarnated, or even that there’s simply nothing else besides this life. Because your beliefs are so specific and idiosyncratic, it’s unusual to find anyone who shares them. That alone makes this connection worth exploring.



Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Now that you have this new goal, you’re eager to start moving towards it, but hold your horses! You could do this willy-nilly and just dive right in. Knowing you, you would make steady progress, but you’d also make many mistakes along the way, because you’d encounter twists and turns that you might have been able to predict if you’d given it a bit more thought beforehand. Conversely, if you try to mentally map your route all the way to the end before you even take your first step, you’ll get tripped up by some of the things you simply can’t predict. This week, pursue the middle course. Don’t plan this thing to death, but do spend a little time sketching a loose course for yourself—the goal is to completely avoid the surprises you can predict, and gracefully roll with the ones you can’t.



Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Parents often lie to, mislead or conceal information from their children. Their intentions are good, but convincing your kid that Santa Claus is real may not actually be the best plan. It’s a blow for kids to discover there is no tooth fairy, babies come from sex, and that people die. Those children I’ve known whose parents were universally frank with them have developed into personable, curious, and intelligent people. Those whose folks tried to shelter them from life’s harsh realities sometimes have more trouble adjusting to them once their parents can’t protect them anymore. Whether it’s a kid or a companion, is it possible you’re being more protective than you need to be? Especially if it involves deception of any kind, I think it’s time to stop trying to shield those you love from reality. They can, and should, handle it.



Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

I heard someone say, “It’s like taking a sleeping pill and a laxative at the same time,” and I thought, “Holy shit—that’s Pisces!” You have a couple of easily solvable problems but the timing and methods you’re applying are only going to compound the situation and ultimately make it worse. Think this through. Take one thing at a time and deal with that. Trying to cope with everything at once will overwhelm you and probably create a whole new set of problems. What’s the most pressing issue on your plate right now? Address and resolve that, before you even look at the next one down the list.



Aries (March 21-April 19)


Sometimes your quickness to rush into action gets you into trouble or needlessly embarrasses you (later). This week that scenario is very likely. I wouldn’t dream of asking you to not address a problem—but would you consider holding off on doing so? Even an hour or two might do (though a day or two would be better). Sometimes these issues have ways of resolving themselves, or you may find that with a little time you can simply get over it without having to make a stink about it. Give yourself that time. If after 48 hours a fuss still seems necessary, by all means go make one.



Taurus (April 20-May 20)

How far are you from the things that make you feel secure, rooted, and safe? I’m worried you may have strayed further than strictly wise, or necessary. Most water signs, for example, are comforted by proximity to the ocean, a lake, or a river (although Pisces can often make do with a nice deep bathtub). What would give you earthy Bulls solace or strength in trying times? This week, if you can figure out what it is, you should have a chance of bringing yourself closer to a fount of strength and contentment. I can’t imagine why you’d pass that up. 



Gemini (May 21-June 20)


Let’s not get too hung up on “normal.” While no one would bat an eyelash to see an American woman walking around in shorts and a tube-top, she could be imprisoned for such “lewdness” in more conservative cultures. In other words, the concept of “normal” is very arbitrary and can change from year to year or as you cross international borders. Please don’t be shallow or shortsighted enough to let it keep you from getting to know someone. In fact, the weirder you think they are, the more you’d probably ultimately get out of knowing them.

Sign Language

Written by Caeriel on . Posted in Posts.


Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Congratulations on your new baby! Only, where is he? Okay, here’s the deal: Giving birth isn’t the only way to lose twenty pounds overnight. While ditching that extra weight might be more amazing if you had a baby to show for it, I’m not sure. You’re suddenly free of an incredible burden that was really beginning to take its toll. A baby, precious though it might be, would be a whole different kind of burden. Before you mourn its absence, consider: might you not be better off as you are, at least for the moment?



Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Some woman is suing a lingerie company because of a thong accident. She claims a metal clip flew off her underwear and hit her in the eye. While this might be legit, my Spidey Sense says she’s just fishing for a big payout from a rich corporation. Who knows? She might even get it. But she’ll have to live with being known as the chick who can’t put on her undies without getting hurt, and who’s petty enough to make a lawsuit out of it. Your own door to Easy Street might open a crack this week. Consider the price(s) you might have to pay to take a stroll down that road, and make sure they’re worth it to you, before you do.



Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

No one quite understands responsibility like you do. Because you’ve always taken yours seriously, you can easily assess what a new duty will cost you, in terms of time and energy. Thus you should already know that you just can’t take on this new burden without ditching a host of others. You simply don’t have enough room and time in your life. This isn’t a tank of low-maintenance sea monkeys; it might as well be a brand-new baby. In order to give it the care it deserves, you’ll have to completely upend your routine. Are you prepared to do that? If not, make sure you’re crystal clear with those who’d unload this responsibility upon you, and tell them, “Thanks, but no thanks.”



Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)


You know those friends, the good ones? If you showed up on their doorstep and needed a place to crash, there’d be no question whether or not they’d let you, and you wouldn’t be embarrassed to ask, either. Count yourself lucky if you have more than one or two of these gems. Honor them this week. The thing with friends like these is so much can go unspoken that you can end up taking each other for granted without meaning to. Let them know how much they mean to you. It goes without saying, and they know. But it’s still nice to hear.



Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Some people navigate the world wearing blinders. Since they only see a narrow sliver of reality, they make terrible decisions. While I hope you’re not one of these poor fools, you surely wear a few filters—some of which may compromise your ability to make wise choices. Some of these filters are likely to be forcibly stripped away this week. That might be a bit shocking (how shocking depends on how many you were wearing in the first place), but it’s the only way you’ll be able to arrive at the “right” decision. Cope as best you can with this new, less-censored version of reality on your own—but don’t be afraid to ask for help. You may need it.



Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

In India and elsewhere, you use your left hand to wipe your ass, and nothing else. In fact, it’s considered insulting (and, presumably, disgusting) if you employ it to eat or interact with other people. There are certain tools for certain jobs that you really can’t use elsewhere, at least not without offending people’s sensibilities. Language can work that way, too. Certain words and ways of interacting are only appropriate in certain contexts. Since you’re likely to get those mixed up, make sure you have someone on hand who’ll give you a warning sign when you venture into dangerous territory. Keep your left hand and your more colorful vocabulary to yourself this week; you don’t need them for the task(s) in front of you.



Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)


Imagine you’re a clam, using your entire being to keep the two halves of your shell sealed tight, making you more or less impervious to the world. But what’s happening? Against your will, your muscles begin to relax. The shell opens. You’re being steamed, my dear, and it’s no bad thing. This is what you’ve needed for a long time—someone who has the tools to gently force you to open up and make yourself vulnerable. Let them, even though it’s probably frightening. You’ve done as much as you can cooped up in your safe little world. It’s time to see and do more.  Don’t be scared. It’s going to be (mostly) great.



Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Inevitably, human life in the modern world generally has a negative impact on the planet. There are ways to offset this, of course. Let this be your focus this week. Plant a tree for every year you’ve been alive, and if you have any kids, one for every year of their lives so far. There are also other, less concrete (but no less effective) ways to subtly counterbalance your impact on the planet. You’ve already put off this kind of thing for too long. Since this is a great week to stop thinking about it and just start doing it, I can’t see why you’d wait.



Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Don’t let scare tactics get to you. These dogs are all bark. They could bite you, and hard—which is why the scare tactics might work. Recognize that it’s probably not worth their while, though. You needn’t be foolishly brave; I suppose if you give them reason enough they might make an example of you. However, there’s no real reason to let them totally derail you. Slow down and keep an eye on their sharp, sharp teeth. But continue on your way. They’ll do their best to terrify you, but once you’ve moved on anyway, they’ll find other things to do, and almost certainly forget all about you.



Aries (March 21-April 19)

Your frantic search for suitable and effective distractions has finally come to naught. You’ve run out. You can procrastinate no longer, because there are simply no excuses left. Now it’s time to put up or shut up. Either you finally deliver on your promises, or you fess up that you’re never going to, and bear the consequences of that. What’s it going to be, Aries? Were you as full of hot air as some people suspect (and, if so, are you brave enough to admit it out loud)? Or will you come through and make good on your word?



Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Imagine if making love to someone tapped you directly into their nervous system, so you’d literally feel what they felt. Rape would certainly become a thing of the past. We’d also have trouble lying to our partners or hiding infidelity. Would it be the end of intimacy altogether? Or would we explore a new kind of intimacy, where we acknowledged all of our own desires, instead of hiding, denying, or lying about them? I personally think it’s better to love the whole, imperfect person, rather than only cherishing some edited version of them. This week you have a chance to move to a new level of trust with someone. It’s not likely to all be good, but I think it’s worth going there, anyway. The question is, do you?



Gemini (May 21-June 20)

I’ve seen some Geminis undergo dramatic transformations in the space of moments. Some might find it alarming that one minute you might be mild-mannered Bruce Banner and the next you’re something akin to the Incredible Hulk; others will think it exciting. Whatever other people’s reactions, your goal should remain consistent: learning to keep your metamorphoses under control. They are potentially a tremendous source of power, if you figure out how to properly harness them. Until then they will always be a great weakness. Since this week’s a great time to transform your Achilles’ Heel to a secret font of strength, please focus on making that happen.

Sign Language

Written by Caeriel on . Posted in Posts.


Cancer (June 21-July 22)

If you’ve been disciplined about your new habits, you should have started seeing some modest results by now. If you haven’t, it’s because you haven’t been disciplined enough. Your first inclination at this point may be to simply throw in the towel and give up entirely, but I hope you can resist that defeatist urge. Look at my first sentence again; discipline would have yielded results by now. If you haven’t manifested that kind of perseverance and determination yet, take the opportunity to do so now, or in a month you’ll be in exactly the same place—only you’ll feel even worse about it.



Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

You’re likely to finally get a little much-needed support for one of your least popular plans, but it’s also likely to simply be too little, too late. Use this moment to notice that it might be time to just let this particular dream go—it’s not going to happen, at least not the way you’ve envisioned it. It’s time to release and rethink your ideas about it. Only when you free up this valuable time and energy will you have any chance of making anything interesting happen. It won’t be what you wanted; it might not even be nearly as good. But it’ll be something—which is a lot more than you have right now.



Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

You don’t have room in your life or schedule to add a whole new thing. There’s no solid block of time where you could put it. However, incorporating a new element into your life doesn’t have to be so dramatic. You could fit it into the cracks in your routine. For instance, although I also try to work out for an hour or two nearly every day, I fit in little five-minute workouts throughout my day. This isn’t necessarily ideal, but it’s what I can manage. By refusing to settle for anything less than the perfect arrangement, you’ll probably end up accomplishing exactly nothing. A compromise has to be better than that, doesn’t it?



Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

There you are, steadily dog-paddling your way across the lake. Your lips are blue and your muscles feel like damp clay, but you won’t give up. I admire your determination, but I do wonder if your stubbornness goes a bit too far. You said no to those people who rowed by and offered to give you a lift, and turned up your nose at the inflatable mattress you bumped into. I understand you want to do this for yourself, but isn’t it possible you’re taking self-reliance too far? After all, the whole point is to get there. While it does matter how you do it, does it matter enough to risk not getting there at all?



Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

I’m incredibly disappointed when parents give their kids boring names simply to keep them from being made fun of in school. They let the cruelty of other children determine their kid’s name for his whole life, saddling him with something ordinary and forgettable just to avoid having some idiot kids tease him for it. The problem is, if kids want to make fun of him, they’ll find a reason no matter what. Similarly, the precautions you’re taking won’t prevent the dilemma you’re trying to avoid; they’ll just block one avenue to it. Don’t bother with them.



Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Keep moving towards your goal, but try to be open-minded. There’s no need to explicitly change your mind about where you think you’re headed; just don’t pitch a fit if you never actually get there. Where you end up instead could be as fascinating as it is surprising, and might ultimately suit you better than your original destination. Getting thrown off course might turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to you, so don’t freak out if it happens, and especially don’t blow up at whoever you think is at fault. That person could be your guardian angel, trying to help you get to where you really need to go. You’ll want them to still love you when you figure out just how much you love them.



Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

There’s a fine line between persistence and obstinacy. You already know that only losers give up at the first sign of trouble. However, those who throw themselves repeatedly at a wall that will never come down are even bigger losers. Successful Caps are those that can figure out whether something is truly a lost cause, or simply requires godly determination. Can you see the line between the two, even though it’s faint and ever-shifting? This week, make sure you’re clear about where exactly it is, and which side of it you’re on.



Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

What would you do if you woke up one day and discovered you could no longer read, walk, or speak? How would you react if abilities you take for granted every day were snatched away overnight? I’ll tell you: you’d freak out, you’d cry, and then you’d adapt. You’d figure shit out and move on. If you could get used to something like that (and you could, I promise), you shouldn’t have so much trouble adjusting to your recent losses, which are much less dramatic. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and move on; remember, it could be a lot worse.



Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)


All Pisces are masochists to some extent. Consciously or not, you all invite some misery into your lives. Remember this the next time you suffer. This isn’t to say that you asked for it, exactly, but you also didn’t do what you might have to prevent it. This isn’t a critique; I think it’s a virtue to remain vulnerable and open, even if it means you may pay the price in pain and suffering. The alternative is to do your best to remain completely safe, and therefore closed-off and untrusting. That would go against your very nature and cut you off from what makes you special. Safety and security are illusory, and not all they’re cracked up to be. It may sound odd, but keep hurting, and be thankful that you can.



Aries (March 21-April 19)

Ah, the torture of waiting. Patience is not one of your virtues, and you will usually do anything you can to keep from waiting to see how something turns out. Some things can’t be rushed, however, and this is one of them. Jumping ahead here would be like skipping to the last page of a book before you’re done with Chapter Two. Not only would it make no sense, but it would rob it of any emotional significance it might have had otherwise. Bide your time, Aries. See how this plays out, in its own time. You might as well be cool with that; it’s your only real option.



Taurus (April 20-May 20)


I try not to kill bugs. I assume that on some level they value their lives as much as I value mine, and killing them just because they’re little and I can is cruel and unnecessary. Sometimes I destroy them by accident, and I don’t torture myself with guilt over it, but it feels good to consciously eschew needless nastiness. You should do the same. I’m not so sure you’ve made a great effort in recent times to simply be kind to other living beings. Everyone’s got a mean streak that gets the best of them sometimes. This week, do your best to develop a habit of reining yours in.



Gemini (May 21-June 20)

So things didn’t work out the way you’d planned, and, unfortunately, they didn’t turn into happy accidents that were actually better than what you had in mind. Shit. Unfortunately, that’s just how things go sometimes, and crying about the injustice of it all is more or less a waste of your time. In fact, the sooner you can cut your losses and move on, the better. Hanging out here will just compound your suffering, and ultimately make things worse. You can’t change what happened. Stop torturing yourself and just accept it.  There are greener pastures ahead. Go find them.

Sign Language

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Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Hey, Debbie Downer! You’ve been so negative lately that you’re likely to be surprised when something actually works out, contrary to your pessimistic expectations. Take it in stride. This is how it’s supposed to work, right? You anticipate the worst, then are pleasantly surprised when it doesn’t happen that way. Don’t let your cynical shock get the best of you and ruin a good moment. The people who helped make it happen are likely to be offended if they discover you thought it never would. Make them feel good, make yourself feel good—all by being gracious and genuinely happy, not distraught, when blessings are heaped upon you.





Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Ultimately many things in life are “useless” wastes of time. The accomplishments in that video game you like playing will never mean much in real life. That sweater you’re knitting will probably never be worn. That project you’re obsessing over likely won’t make it off the ground. That’s all okay. Not every minute of your life needs to be devoted to a sure thing that’s bound to be constructive and ultimately enrich and enliven your existence. It’s perfectly alright to spend time on something that’ll never amount to anything, just because you enjoy it. Do that this week. Don’t worry about making every minute “count”—as long as every minute is as fun as you can make it.





Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Ultimately there is no easy answer, so quit searching for one. This is one of those complex situations where every possible outcome is a compromise, and no one will be completely happy, ever. Wishing it were otherwise is completely useless and ultimately a waste of time, time that would be better utilized trying to figure out which compromise solution will put out the fewest people. Stop trying to please everybody, because that will only make you nuts, and put you back at square one in a week, a month, or a year (depending on how long you beat your head against it). Instead, just use reason, logic, and your well-honed sense of fairness to come up with the best scenario for the most people, and run with that.





Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

When given the option between buying the reasonably priced but slightly crappy version you can afford now, or going without until you can get the more expensive, higher quality version, you’ll almost always wait. To you this is simply common sense, but some other signs simply don’t have the foresight or patience to hold out for the better option. Help them. You have some influence over a reasonably important decision being made by someone you know. Exercise it. Talk sense into them. If you do your job right, they won’t even wait until later to thank you. They’ll thank you now.





Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Children and animals don’t always know what’s best for themselves. That’s why they require caregivers of various sorts to help them sort out how to keep themselves safe and healthy, something they’d likely fail miserably at on their own. Unfortunately, some adults require the same care in certain situations. No one properly trained them to figure out what’s best, and to keep themselves out of trouble. This should not be your job, to be fair, but unfortunately we sometimes have to take care of shit that really ought to be someone else’s problem. Step in and take charge this week. It’s that or watch someone suffer because you didn’t.





Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

You’ve been waiting so long for this specific moment that you’ll probably be caught completely off guard when it finally arrives. You might miss it! Hopefully, you’ll be able to react quickly enough and pull together all those dusty plans and half-forgotten thoughts to make the most of this time now that it’s here. If not, you’ll be stuck waiting again—possibly for an even longer time. I may be wrong about this, but just in case, why don’t you brush up on what you planned to do should this opportunity arise? It couldn’t hurt.





Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Some people perform some of the most impactful actions of their entire lives on their deathbeds. Knowing their lives are ending inspires them with the courage or insight to do stuff that will have ripples long after they’re gone.. I’m sure most of them regret not acting sooner. It takes some serious courage to muster the gumption to speak your mind and make things happen the way you know they ought to. Don’t wait until you’re close to death to find that courage. See if you can manifest even a fraction of it this week.





Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Let’s imagine for a moment that your body chemistry made you smelly. Not just your pits, but your whole body. Your current problem is something like this, and sadly, your current solution is about as viable as smearing deodorant over your entire body. What you’d need to do about your stinky self is go deeper, and address the roots of the problem, examining how diet and other factors might be contributing to it. You can’t cover this quandary in anti-perspirant and make it go away. Dig deeper and figure out what’s causing it, and deal with that. The stink is just a symptom. Get rid of the problem and you won’t need “deodorant” at all.





Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Dogs pant to release heat from their bodies, since they have almost no ability to sweat. What you’re up to now is the equivalent of panting, but it’s awfully dumb—since you can sweat. Why settle for a horribly inefficient method of addressing your problem when you have a far superior and effective one available to you? Don’t limit yourself out of principle. Whether it’s fair or not is irrelevant. You have options available to you that will provide neat, elegant solutions to your difficulties. Stop fretting because not everyone has the same choices you do. Exercise yours, and then you can see about helping those who are not as lucky.





Aries (March 21-April 19)

You’re quite the little soldier, aren’t you? Quite the tough one, too. These days nothing touches you unless you let it, or unless it’s smart or lucky enough to penetrate one of the miniscule and almost imperceptible chinks in your armor. That’s all well and good; it’s great to be rugged and self-reliant. What I’m worried about is this: you may have forgotten how to take that armor off. When was the last time you stripped down and let yourself be completely naked and vulnerable? Too long ago, I’m afraid. This week, do your best to take all that armor off—just to reassure yourself (and me) that you can.





Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Most of the year my old dog will find the cushiest spot available to him to lie down upon. He likes a bit of padding beneath those stiff joints. Come the summer months, though, and he’ll find any bit of hard cool floor far preferable to his doggie bed or the couch. My point is—even for a dog, priorities change due to the situation. Yours should, too. Sticking to the same set of goals and preferences out of habit is just silly and stupid. You’re smarter and more flexible than that, aren’t you? Well, aren’t you? Don’t just say it. Demonstrate it.





Gemini (May 21-June 20)

The Sun doesn’t change signs exactly on midnight on the dates listed next to the signs in this column. Rather it varies by a number of hours every year. You could be born on June 20th, and actually be a Cancer, for instance. Most of that day is still in Gemini, most years, but there’s a small chance some would-be Geminis are actually Cancers, and vice versa. Also, because most of the personal planets never stray too far from the Sun, it means anyone born on the cusp like this is likely to have several planets in the sign next door, and thus many qualities of that sign. This is a lot like your current mix-up. There is a line between the two sides, but it’s not where you think it is. Double-check the boundary so you can figure out which side you’re actually on. It may not be the side you thought.

Sign Language

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Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Tie up those loose ends, fast. You’ve been a terrible procrastinator, and now that buttload of unfinished projects, unanswered emails and voicemails, and all the other crap you haven’t gotten around to has become an incredible weight hanging over your head. Luckily, you could potentially take care of every last thing this week, if you’re really disciplined and determined. Wouldn’t that feel great? Of course, you could also just keep waiting. You won’t have to wait long, at least—all that stuff is due to drop like a ton of bricks very, very soon, and then you can spend the next month or two cleaning up the mess. 





Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Be an elephant. This isn’t a crack about your weight. I’m talking about patience. Elephants’ gestation cycle is 22 months. That’s right, Mama Pachyderm is carrying that fat baby for almost two years. Sometimes giving birth to something great takes a really long time. What you’ve got inside you now is exactly that: it’s brilliant, life-changing, and wonderful. Accordingly, it can’t be rushed. Trying to force it into the world before it’s ready will just mess it up. This isn’t a mandate to be lazy and unproductive, though. To the contrary; you have a lot to set up to make conditions perfect for your little baby once it arrives. Get to work.





Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)


Bring a cat home, and unless she has reason to think otherwise (like a bigger, meaner cat who already lives there), she’ll soon be convinced that she’s the queen of all she can see. The same can go for Leos. Whether you’re the bossy, loud type or not, you tend to move in and put yourself in charge in as many ways as possible, given the circumstances. This is no exception. Howeverr, there might be a fearsome kitty lurking beneath the bed, waiting to pounce once you make your move. Fortunately, this fellow can be made your ally. Before you crown yourself king or queen, find the royalty you’d be deposing and make friends.





Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

You’re incredibly competitive, perhaps more so than almost any other sign; you’re just better at hiding at it than they are. A Leo or an Aries wouldn’t bother pretending they weren’t out to win, and win big, but they’re not as clever as you are. If people don’t know you’re competing, there’s no shame if it doesn’t work out with you on top. As far as they know, you weren’t even trying to be on top. However, sometimes you have to sacrifice that subtlety and just go all out to have any chance at all. That’s the case this week. Get in there with those bloodthirsty fire signs and give them a run for their money. At this point, it’s anybody’s game.





Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)


Because you like everything to be nice and neat and balanced, you have an unconscious tendency to put things (and people) in boxes. Of course, as you know, life is much messier than this, and everything and everyone has a tendency to spill out of whatever box you put them in. If you insist on trying to bring balance to your life in this way, it’s time to at least come up with a new “filing system,” one that more effectively accounts for the complexity and contradictions inherent in every person instead of expecting them to consistently embody just one thing. Or, you could do away with these definitions altogether. Just a thought.





Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

The pull to move backwards will wax stronger than ever this week. Nostalgia, fear and habit will be tugging you to take steps in reverse rather than continuing onward in the direction you’ve been following for months. Resist that urge! This is just the tide pulling out to gather more strength for an even stronger forward push. Don’t go with it, or you’ll be swept out to sea, and lost for a long time. You have a goal in mind, and it’s been more or less the right place for you to go so far. You can always change course once you get there, just don’t let these negative forces keep you from arriving at your destination.





Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Break down your journey into smaller steps. It may usually be best to keep your eye on your most ambitious destination, but at the moment that’s just likely to overwhelm and dishearten you. Don’t forget where you’re ultimately headed, but set a bunch of short-term goals for yourself, to keep from getting discouraged and giving up. You need that validation and sense of accomplishment to make it for the long haul. Go ahead and celebrate when you reach points A, B, and C, even if they’re still a long way off from point Z. That’s what’ll get you to the finish line.





Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)


Try not to have too much contempt for humanity. Yes, by and large people are lazier, dumber, and more weak-willed than you are. Do your best not to despise them. Your hubris is probably your worst quality, and while it’s okay to not admire someone for being criminally indolent and deliberately ignorant, hating them for those things does no one good, least of all you. Dig deep and stir up some compassion and generosity, and exercise them, even for people who may not “deserve” it. They do, and you deserve to be the one who gives it to them. Trust me on this.





Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

What are your secret habits? For instance, I used to like to close up all the windows and the doors of my apartment (so as not to disturb the neighbors), crank up the music, and sing at the top of my lungs. Once, I would have been mortified to do this in front of anybody, but at some point I let go of my embarrassment, and trusted people not to hate me when I sang off-key. It feels good to just put it all out there, and find out people aren’t as judgmental as you imagine they’ll be. Open up the windows and air out one of your secret habits this week. You might not get acclaim and applause, but people aren’t about to start throwing rocks and rotten vegetables, either.





Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Get someone to crack the whip. You desperately want to get this shit done, but you absolutely suck at keeping yourself to the pace that’s required here. That means partially handing over the responsibility for your motivation to someone else, someone you trust, who you can’t ignore, and who will work you hard. Make sure it’s someone you value enough to bite your tongue when you want to snap at them. You don’t want to do that. You may hate them along the way, but you’ll probably thank them when they get you to where you want to go.





Aries (March 21-April 19)

When trying to get in shape and lose weight, most people’s bodies fluctuate, as does their discipline. Given enough time and enough determination, there will be a steady decline in body fat and increase in muscle tone, but if you look at a daily chart you’ll see lots of spikes and dips. This is normal for any kind of change, including the mental habits you’re trying to put into place. Steady progress is indeed desirable, but don’t be too discouraged or disheartened by tiny setbacks. They’re part of the path. Don’t let them keep you from pursuing it all the way to its conclusion.





Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Don’t get too attached to results, in this case. What you’re about to try is hardly a done deal. It’s certainly worth trying, and the worst thing that can happen is it’ll be a flop. Best-case scenario is of course a lot better than that. Give it a chance to happen, without getting too emotionally invested. A “wait-and-see” attitude will take you a long way right now, focusing on success. Epic failure is still quite possible, but as long as you’re not desperately crushed by such an outcome, there’s no reason not to give this a go.

Sign Language

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Gemini (May 21-June 20)

You may believe it’s egotistical to think it’s all about you, but that all depends on whether it’s your delusion or the reality. This week, it’s the reality. There are enough people who adore you and want to see you happy that they’ve made you the focus of their loving attention, at least for now. It might be a bit overwhelming at first, and you should certainly avoid letting it go to your head. But try to enjoy it, and be grateful for it. This kind of thing never lasts long. Eat it up while you can.





Cancer (June 21-July 22)

You desperately want to have your cake and eat pie, too, but it just doesn’t work that way. You chose the cake, so you don’t get pie. Can you deal with that? This week, if you’re convinced the pie’s really better, you’ll have the chance to trade in the cake for the dessert you think you really wanted all along. However, bear in mind that this is a one-time thing; if you try to sneak a bite of cake after the deal is struck, you will get caught, and you’ll never even see either cake or pie again, let alone taste it.





Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

When there’s something exciting or juicy going down, you hate being excluded. Luckily, that’s extremely unlikely right now. While the big events of this week don’t revolve around you, they might as well, since you’re likely to be right in the middle of all of them. Now’s your chance to snub all the people who’ve slighted you in the past. Don’t take it, though. That’s just petty and lame, and you are neither of those things. Be the generous star that you are, allow bygones to be bygones, and let everyone in on the fun.





Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

You’re not immune to flattery. In fact, you can get so caught up in the busy routines of your regular life that you don’t notice how starved for positive attention you are until you get some. Then you soak it up like a desert flower, and find yourself doing ridiculously out-of-character things just to get more. Avoid this scenario. You’re on a good track here, and you don’t need to get derailed by the sweet attentions of someone cute. Luckily, you have some sources of praise and adoration right on hand who won’t steer you completely off-course. Go hit them up for some.





Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)


Exercise your trust. While it would be nice to get to install a safety net and put in some handholds before you had to walk across the narrow tight rope in front of you, those things aren’t necessary. You have the skill to cross this thing just as it is now, and whoever’s waiting on the other side, hands outstretched, knows that. If you take the time to set up all these precautions and redundancies, you’re actually putting yourself at greater risk than you realize. Sure, crossing this gap will be made an easy and safe no-brainer by the measures you’ve taken, but by the time you get there, the reason you wanted to cross in the first place is not likely to be there anymore.





Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Play to your strengths. It’s good to stretch yourself and try new things and explore new routes to the places you like to go, but sometimes you just have to fall back on the old tried-and-true standbys. Use those this week. You know they work—at least most of the time—and they’re right in the middle of your comfort zone. Save stretching the boundaries of your being and exploration of your potential for another day. Right now this is about getting the job done. You know you can, and you know how. Just get to it.





Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Things have changed since the last time you tried what you’re thinking about trying. You’ll find that you’ve changed. What may have been an ordeal of sorts before will turn out to be easy now. So quit freaking out about it, just because your prior experiences in this area were so negative. In fact, the more that you can simply put those behind you and just forget about them, the better your chances of success will be. Naturally, if you set your mind to it, you can recreate those horrible past experiences almost exactly. By fixating on them, of course that’s exactly what you’ll do. Let them go. You’re a new person, and capable of having a completely new experience this time around. Please allow yourself that.





Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

There are all kinds of awful people who would jump at the chance to worm their way into your life for all the wrong reasons. They’d steal your credit card info, or your stuff, or your peace of mind, without thinking twice. You can’t take it personally, though—because it’s not—and you can’t get paranoid about it. Take reasonable precautions and accept that if someone really wants in, they’ll get in, no matter what you do. In other words, if you’ve done all you sensibly can to prevent disaster, just relax and let go of everything else, since your worrying won’t do you any good; it certainly won’t make you any safer. Chill out. You’re as safe as you’ll ever be, and for most everyone, that’s safe enough.





Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

You arrive at the home of an acquaintance, who requests that you remove your footwear before you enter. Now, you know that your feet (which have been sweating inside your shoes all day) are going to stink. You’re faced with a quandary; ignoring their request would be as unthinkable as simply leaving, but subjecting them to the reek of your feet would also be mortifying. What you’re left with is making the best of a far-less-than-ideal situation, and booking it straight to the bathroom after you enter the house, and giving your feet a good rinse. While the situation you’re dealing with isn’t exactly the same, it’s got parallels. This is hardly the disaster you think it is. It’s more an inconvenience. Go scrub your toes and get on with your evening.





Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

You were overdue for some drama, weren’t you? Things can only go smoothly for so long before someone’s bound to rock the boat, just to make life interesting. Don’t act so fed up. Although this is a hassle, no question, you’d be lying if you said you weren’t at least a little bit excited by it. Sailing smooth waters secretly bores you. Dealing with a bit of chop, or, heck, the risk of completely capsizing, is more your cup of tea. No need to rock the boat yourself, as someone’s bound to do it for you sooner or later. Also, no need to thank them for making your life more interesting; just don’t complain too loudly when they do.





Aries (March 21-April 19)

It’s a good week to indulge all your most romantic urges. Be vulnerable, be passionate, and put it all out there. The timing is right. This kind of display is not only likely to be well-received, it’s apt to put you in a position to experience a lot more sweet romance, playful companionship, and memorable experiences than you’ve had in a long time. Don’t you want to set yourself up for that? It might involve going out on a bit of an emotional limb, but I reckon it’s worth it. Once you’re out there, you’ll probably be scared. But you’ll also be glad you had the guts to climb out that far.





Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Ask and you’ll receive. It’s not always as easy as this, of course, but right now your life is pretty simple. Ask for what you want, within reason. If your requests are heartfelt and modest, you’ll almost certainly get them. Of course, the other trick is making sure you ask the right person. The supermarket cashier is not going to be able to grant your wish, but someone else certainly can. You know exactly who’s able to grant your wish, right? Don’t be shy or reticent. Make sure that person becomes aware of it this week.

Sign Language

Written by Caeriel on . Posted in Posts.


Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Look harder. Your seeming lack of options isn’t really because you’re wedged between a rock and a hard place. It’s actually about your lack of creativity. You haven’t been especially resourceful or imaginative when it comes to evaluating your situation. You saw a rock, you saw a hard place, and you concluded, “Well, that’s it. Damn, I’m stuck!” I will grant you that your situation is less than ideal, but it’s hardly inescapable. It’s just that gracefully extricating yourself from it will require more ingenuity than you’ve demonstrated so far. You’re a master of duality. Try to look at things from more than one perspective at once. At that point your route of egress will be obvious.



Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Let’s pretend you’re planning a vacation. You have your heart set on Fiji, but the person you’re going with is gung ho about Alaska. Now, there’s no need to talk yourself into anything you won’t be happy with. However, there’s a huge difference between convincing yourself of something and simply being open to it. Stop pretending to listen and really listen. This decision is about a lot more than whether you’d rather lay on the beach or go look at grizzly bears. Open up, damn it. Truly consider all the options. If you can’t, your vacation (or whatever it is you’re deciding) is going to suck, no matter where you end up.





Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Your ego is a dangerous thing. It gets you into all kinds of trouble. Someone charming knows how to stroke it and suddenly you’re swept up in a moment that’s actually about your pleasure, instead of real mutual respect or attraction. You need to be a hard-nosed realist right now, and not go somewhere that’s going to get someone hurt, just because it feels good right now. This doesn’t have to be an all-or-nothing scenario, but finding the happy middle ground will take a truly logical, almost business-like perspective. Figure out what you actually want, and make sure this is it before you travel further down the path. If it’s not, correct course now, before it’s too late.





Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

This is all about prevention. A small action now could save you from a heap of angst later. Kill a mosquito in springtime, and you’ve essentially killed thousands or millions of her descendants in one go. Just a small slap, and your summer has a hundred less mosquito bites. There is a bit of moral relativism here, and only you can decide where you draw the line. Is it okay to kill one mosquito in order to limit future aggravation from its offspring? How about kicking someone off the team because you know they’ll do more harm than good? It’s up to you to decide how much you’re willing to do to prevent outcomes you don’t want, but decide quickly, please. If you decide to act, the time to do so is this week, when you’ll get the most benefit from the least action.





Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

You can waste time with the best of them, you know that? You’re a champion idler. I’m not talking about just whiling away an afternoon here. I’m referring to your phenomenal ability to allow whole years of your life to pass without significantly moving forward on any of the things that are most important to you—in theory, at least. I can’t help thinking that if they were actually important, you’d actually do something about them. Tell you what. Prove me wrong, if I am. Use this week to make a move. Don’t waste a second. You’ll need every one.





Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

You may not enjoy it when someone pins you down and makes you squirm, but sometimes it’s the only way to get a straight answer out of you, or to get you to make a decision and then stick to it. While it might feel better to be simply left to your own devices, can you recognize that those who are intent on pushing you in this way are mostly doing it to make you happier and ultimately improve your life? Even if they’re the ones that make you the most uncomfortable, it may turn out that they’re also the ones who love you the most. Try to see that, and be grateful, not resentful, when you’re better for it.





Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Take pride in what you’ve accomplished but don’t slow down for accolades. You’re just getting started. The only real obstacle between you and your most ambitious short-term goals is your own ego. Stop to enjoy the fruits of your labors and soak up some recognition, and you’re liable to lose precious momentum, and never get to where you’re going. Save all that stuff for later. Yes, that means that you may never get to enjoy these particular rounds of applause, but if you get to where you’re going (and this is the only way you will), there’ll probably be plenty more.





Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

You don’t like being wrong. Who does? But you especially hate it when you’re caught in a mistake, and you’ll usually wriggle and squirm and try to get out of it. On some occasions you’ve even managed to get the blame pinned on someone else. In your book, that’s simply making the best of a bad situation. In my book, it’s understandable but it’s also going to get you into even more trouble. ‘Fess up. Own what you’ve said and done. However painful and embarrassing that might be for you, please trust me—the alternative would be much, much worse.





Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

You’re fine with bending the rules. In your world, they’re just loose guidelines, not meant for someone with vision and imagination. What you’re less okay with, of course, is getting caught. Sometimes you’re so slick that this is hardly a concern; other times you’re not quite as good at covering your tracks and making sure you get away with your little shenanigans. That might be the case this week. Have you gotten sloppy? If so, why? There could very well be a part of you that’s done with this kind of mischief. Is it possible you want to get caught? If not, I’d either clean up your act or get better at covering your tracks, now.





Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

There are rats nesting in your couch. Yes, just inches beneath your ass is a little den full of sleeping vermin. What’ll you do now that you know? Certainly continuing to watch television isn’t exactly an option. Chances are you’d destroy the couch and do your best to ensure nothing like this ever happened again. The good news is that there aren’t literally rodents in your furniture. The bad news is that a rat of some kind has burrowed its way into your life and is now nestled as close to you as your couch cushion. Expose it and get rid of it, pronto.





Aries (March 21-April 19)

Although you’re certainly capable of being incredibly romantic, sometimes you Rams can become a bit too hard-nosed for true romance. I find that tragic. Because in the past you’ve been embarrassed when your sappy gestures were sneered at by some thick-skinned cynic, you’re reluctant to go there again. But go there you should; think of all the other times when your sweet sentimentality was well-received, and how good it made people feel. It’s time to go out on a limb again. Be a sweet, romantic sap. It’s dorky, yes. It’s also one of your most endearing qualities.





Taurus (April 20-May 20)


It’s hard for you to separate your personal feelings from the situation. It’s not that you’re incapable of seeing things clearly, it’s that you like that your emotions cloud your judgment. You’re quite simply unwilling to make the effort to remove yourself and observe things dispassionately. You’re probably aware that this will get you into more trouble than not, but you probably also don’t care. Fine. You’re allowed to look at things however you please. Just one thing: some people are making assumptions about your input. They probably believe it’s founded in logic, not emotion. In the interest of full disclosure, make sure they’re clued in to where you’re actually coming from.

Sign Language

Written by Caeriel on . Posted in Posts.


Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Keep your head and heart in separate rooms, so you can only hang out with one at a time. They’ll each be telling you such different things that being subject to both their influences simultaneously would only make you confused, bewildered, and ill. Your brain’s loud instructions about what your heart ought to want could easily drown out your actual desires. It sucks to find out that you didn’t really want something after you get it. You might as well order up a round of hurt feelings for everyone, on the house! Or, you could just make sure neither head nor heart has the chance to override the other, but instead you do your best to heed both—separately.



Cancer (June 21-July 22)


Think through all the ramifications of the move you want to make. It’s more complicated than it at first appears. It doesn’t matter how “right” the decision feels, if it turns out you lack the skills or resources to carry it off properly. Take it five or ten steps further inside your head. What will you want or need to happen after that? Some aspects of your wishes will require luck, but as for the others, you should be able to accurately predict what you can or can’t do yourself. Make sure those jobs will get done and figure out who’ll do them—before you make the leap.



Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

It’s so easy for you to get swept up in the romance of a situation. Picture this: someone looks deeply into your eyes and says, “Let’s hold hands and jump off this cliff together. A leap of faith!” There’s a part of you that’s likely to find that very compelling, simply because it’s so dramatic and romantic. Even if you never thought of this person that way before, you could take them up on their suggestion, swept away by the romance of the situation. Just remember, before you leap: when the rush of the experience is over, you may look longingly at the high place you just sprang from. It could look a lot better than the person standing next to you down here at the bottom—and by the time you realize that, it may already be too late.



Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Although you think you’re speaking in plain, unequivocal terms, most of those you’re addressing are privately confused. Whose side are you on? What are you really thinking? What do you want to happen here? We all want to help you, but we need more direction. I think your lack of clarity is coming from a desire not to ruffle feathers, hurt feelings, or be a bitch. But since you’re more or less the leader in this particular situation, chances are you’ll have to do all three. Suck it up and get the job done, already.



Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

I tend to have strong opinions about virtually everything. Like you, I can see both sides of whatever issue I’m facing, but according to my perception, one side is usually clearly wrong. You’d probably never see it that way. I appreciate your willingness to consistently straddle a fence that surely can’t be comfortable, and your ability to truly want to be on everyone’s side. Unfortunately, that’s not possible here. Both sides will soon start throwing lassoes and rocks. The push and pull will make your balancing act painful and impossible. Pick a side, fast, so you have somewhere to hide when the shit starts to fly.



Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

There’s no need to go down with a ship that’s determined to sink. You’ve tried everything you could to steer it in a different direction. You’ve hollered at people, tried tricky navigational manipulations, and protested in every way you could. If everyone else involved is unwilling or unable to change their heading after all that, I’d bail out now, if I were you. They may know something you don’t, or simply have a different agenda than you do, or they could simply be self-destructive idiots. Whatever the case, you don’t have to be in the same boat with them, especially since there’s another ship passing by right about now. Don’t let it sail away with just a wave. Grab a lifejacket and hop on board.



Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)


It may feel like some of the other people involved are dragging their feet, but try to be patient anyway. There are a lot of things happening behind the scenes which you’re not privy to. That’s a good thing, because those dealing with them are far better equipped than you are to get the results you want. However, that takes time, and your impatient nagging and constant questions won’t make things go any faster. So chill out! Find ways to distract yourself, and practice trusting others to get the job done. If you do, they will.



Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

There’s always going to be someone who knows more, has more experience, or is simply better. There’s no need to feel outclassed or unable to get the job done, though, because there’s an alternative: enlist their aid. This is a great week to get the help you need to really excel. It might be as simple as just asking for it, or it may involve a bit more bargaining. Regardless, don’t be foolishly self-reliant when you’ve got someone great who’ll chip in. All you have to do is ask them the right way or give them the right thing, and they’ll get the job done far better than you ever could—which, of course, will actually make you look very good.



Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)


Some things come so easily to you that you excel at them without even trying. Thus when you encounter something you can’t do with one eye closed and both hands tied behind your back, you actually struggle more than most, because you’re not used to having to work so hard. This is one of those times. The task you’re attempting isn’t actually so difficult; it’s just much more of a challenge than anything you’ve been up to lately. You may have to roll up your sleeves and break a sweat here. Don’t freak out; this task is well within the limits of what you’re capable of; it’s just a lot closer to them than anything you’ve done in a long, long time.



Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Laziness, reluctance to be embarrassed, and excessive caution are your worst enemies right now. You can pretend there are outside factors, but really you’re the only one holding you back right now. There’s no easy, perfectly safe way to get what you want. You quite simply have to go out on a limb, and make some real effort. You need to risk humiliation and to try with all your might. Anything less and you might as well just give up and go home. Do that, though, and don’t expect to ever be invited back. Chances are you’d get the door slammed in your face the next time you came around.



Aries (March 21-April 19)

Keep a cool head. Your most stupid and embarrassing moments happen when you let anger get the best of you. I love that you have such passion that compels you to do ridiculous things, but at the same time, blindly riding your wild emotions towards some crazy action won’t take you anywhere good. On the other hand, being too reserved won’t serve you well, either, since people will be convinced that you don’t really give a shit. A middle road between the two is the route to victory. That’s tricky territory for you Rams to discover and navigate, I know, but try and find your way there, anyway.



Taurus (April 20-May 20)


Notice how much you’re complaining this week. Don’t bother assessing whether you have valid reasons to complain (you do), but simply look at how much you’re kvetching. At some point, it doesn’t matter how legitimate your beefs are. If people are sick of hearing you gripe about them, your complaints are likely to have more of a negative impact on your life than anything else. Bite your tongue when things are less than ideal. That’s likely to frequently be the case this week; your only real option, though, is to simply suck it up and deal. 

Sign Language

Written by Caeriel on . Posted in Posts.


Taurus (April 20-May 20)

What do you do when you throw your heart into something, and all you get back is derision, sarcasm, and spite? While some enlightened part of you may recognize that the negativity coming your way has its roots in jealousy, insecurity, and some people’s built-in defense mechanisms, that doesn’t stop it from hurting. You may be tempted to simply pack up your things, give up, and go home. In fact, it may take every effort of will to not do so, but I hope you can find a way to keep on keeping on. Don’t leave, and don’t lash back. Instead, see if there’s any shred of truth in the critiques you’re hearing. Take that on, and let the rest just roll off your back.





Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Unless your parents home-schooled you in the boonies far away from other people, deprived you of television, and didn’t even tell you about the Internet, there’s no way you’re as naïve as you’re pretending to be. You may actually be somewhat innocent here, but trying to play that up would just push it over the top, and everyone would start to have trouble suspending disbelief. Roll with what’s happening. If it’s truly new to you, soak it up like a sponge, instead of making sure everyone knows just how novel it is. You don’t have to be anything other than what you are, but if you decide to push perception in one direction, make us think you’re more worldly and experienced, not less.





Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Too much information is too much information. Even if you feel that what you’ve got to say is vital for everyone to know, pay attention to the cues you’re getting. Sometimes people just don’t want to know. Of course, you can always force this stuff on them, but why? Let people have their blissful ignorance if that’s what they want. Enjoy the privacy and personal space that gives you as well. It’s not going to hurt you much for them to remain unaware; it might cost them in some way, but that’s their choice—not yours.





Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

You’re good, but you’re not godly. This week’s struggle is versus that powerful ego of yours. When you receive well-deserved and hard-earned recognition for what you’ve done, it’s difficult to not let it go to your head. The line between simply feeling proud of yourself (which you ought to), and believing you’re a gift to all humanity gets blurry at these times, and too often you find yourself just a step or two on the wrong side. Grab some modesty and strap it on. Slather yourself in SPF 60 ego-block. Gorge on humble pie. Do whatever it takes to keep your pride from getting the best of you.





Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

At first glance, seeing the new person in your life may feel just like looking in a mirror, but as you get to know them, you’ll start to notice more and more differences—some of which are profound. Your first reaction is likely to be alarm. You might be disturbed that this person you thought was so much like you could disagree on such fundamental issues. Don’t flee, though. These cracks in the mirror are where are all the interesting stuff is; here you’ll find opportunities to learn about yourself, to grow, and to experience the exciting sparks that can be caused by that kind of friction.





Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

I’m kicking myself for my own prejudices. Some of my favorite people come from your tribe, but I’ve met so many Librans who bored the hell out of me that I confess I sometimes don’t give you guys the benefit of the doubt. It’s unfair that you may have to start with a kind of deficit when you meet someone, and have to prove how interesting you are before you’ll get your due. Unfortunately, you’ll encounter this kind of thing often. Try not to resent it. After all, if you’re a cool Libra, you’ve got more than enough talent to prove that you’re worth knowing, if you care to, and more than enough friends to not bother proving anything if you don’t feel like it.





Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

You’re feeling fairly strong and hard to topple these days, like a massive sequoia with roots spread deep into the earth, able to withstand hurricanes and forest fires and any other sort of massive calamity headed your way. But remove a small strip of bark from a tree in the wrong spot and it’ll die. This is what you need to watch out for. You’re relatively immune to the big stuff that could go wrong right now; the threat you need to worry about is insidious, tiny and hard to detect, let alone resist. Minimize the chances that it’ll find an opening. You know which weak spots need protection. Defend them well, but remember—it’s best if no one else even figures out where and what they are.





Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Your Jedi mind tricks won’t work this time. Once, you could dissuade your critics or disarm your opponents with a word or a smile, but these days they’re more persistent. They have more to gain now, and thus your usual tactics are no longer effective. You’ve got to step up your game, too. Your only real chance here is to stay one or two steps ahead of the people who want to trip you up, and that’s going to involve more diligence, guile, and sweat-inducing labor than you’re used to. Don’t rely on clever tricks, charm, or luck. Roll up your sleeves and get to work.





Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Don’t expect unearned slack, nor even slack you may deserve. Although people really ought to let you get away with what you’re up to this week, considering how much leeway you’ve given them in the past, don’t hold your breath. They’re going to call you on your shit, completely forgetting all the times you bit your tongue when your positions were reversed. Life’s so not fair. Feel sorry for yourself later, though. For now, you’ve got to work on covering your ass and making sure you’ll succeed despite the opposition and finger-pointing you’ll be subject to in the coming weeks.





Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Being patient sucks, especially when at the end of your long wait (which you endured as gracefully as possible), you don’t even get what you were waiting for. That’s why this week I’m giving you permission to toss patience out the window. Get out there and seize what you want. Do it as wisely and cleverly as possible, but don’t delay another second. Haven’t you waited long enough? It’s now or never. Since the answer’s going to be the same whether you ask the question immediately or wait, why not find out what it is right away, for good or ill?





Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Forget about walls, armor, or psychic forcefields. They’re all worse than useless right now. They can’t keep out unwanted intruders, and they’re only likely to signal that you have something worth protecting (and thus taking). Since you can’t block intrusion with a wall, your chief hope is escaping notice altogether. Go invisible, or as close to it as you can manage. Be subtle, covert, and wear just enough camouflage to blend in with your surroundings. Don’t go overboard—that’s just as obvious as wearing a suit of armor. Luckily, the danger’s clear; you’ll know exactly when it’s safe to come out of hiding.





Aries (March 21-April 19)

You’re a person of conviction. It’s written all over you, so you don’t usually have to prove yourself. This week, however, requires that you go the extra mile in order to keep people from getting the wrong idea about you. Luckily, you have all the skills you’ll require to navigate this week without hurt feelings, wrongful impressions, or disastrous misunderstandings. Those skills come naturally to you: being direct, forthright, brutally honest, and totally transparent. You may piss off or disappoint people by not telling them what they want to hear, but that’s something you can live with. The anger or disappointment you’d face if you lead them on, even by accident, would be much, much worse.

Sign Language

Written by Caeriel on . Posted in Posts.


Taurus (April 20-May 20)

It’s said that you can never go home again. Obviously, unless your hometown was destroyed in a fire, you can go home again. What’s virtually impossible to capture is the feeling you had when you actually lived there. This week, however, you could come close, if you wanted to.  You could infuse some of the most positive aspects of that chapter of your existence, reasonably permanently, into your current one. Maybe you’ll jump at the chance, or maybe you’ll realize that what you’ve created is actually better than what you had, once the nostalgic blur of romanticized memories has been stripped away. Whatever you decide, I hope you can feel truly at home in your current situation from now on.



Gemini (May 21-June 20)

You excel at the last minute scramble. Of course, this fuels your procrastination in general, but at least you can pull out all the stops when you need to, and deliver on time—if only just barely. This is a fine strategy, most of the time. When it doesn’t work very well is when you have to put aside other stuff—stuff you might really like to do—in order to finish the crap you should have done ages ago. Because there’s some excellent stuff coming up—and nothing amazing happening this week—why don’t you spend a little time getting caught up, or better yet, ahead of yourself? Then you won’t have to miss out later.



Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Sometimes you wish that you could just find a magic portal in your home. You’d step through it and most of your problems would simply evaporate. Well naturally there’s no such thing, but this week you may be able to create its metaphorical equivalent. The key? A few magic words you already know but haven’t had a chance (or the nerve) to say out loud yet. Once you open and step through that door, it won’t erase most of your problems, but it will eliminate a few, and probably make the rest a bit easier to deal with. Of course, there’ll be a whole new set of problems on that side of things, but go there anyway—for the change of pace, if nothing else.



Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)


Being good is about what you do when no one’s watching. I know how you love the spotlight, and you certainly never pass up getting credit and recognition for all the sweet and generous stuff you do. But what truly counts—especially this week, but really all the time—is the kindness you exhibit when no one could possibly notice or realize it’s you. I believe that you want to be not only a good person but a great person. This week you’ll have ample opportunity to move down that path if you can wrap your head around one thing—no one but you will ever know you did.



Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

This week is about not solving problems. You have the perfect solution to a complication experienced by a couple of your friends, but I beg you not to share it. Instead, look deeper and realize that this “problem” shouldn’t be solved. If you give them no choice but to fix it, that will only open the door to much greater and more difficult to solve quandaries. Can you see this as a necessary evil, realize that it’s not so bad, and resist your urge to make everything “better?” I hope so—if not, your well-intentioned meddling is only likely to make things much worse.



Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

I have never seen you have so much trouble with being patient before. “Time is running out!” you proclaim, as if that hasn’t always been the case. Perhaps you’ve only just realized it, but in reality nothing has changed, and rushing through this moment to get to the next one won’t actually make it come sooner. In fact, it will devalue the future when you finally get there, as well as making you miss everything that’s happening right now. Yes, you’re running out of time. That’s why you need to slow down enough to enjoy every precious second you have left.



Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Sometimes being naughty gets you exactly the kind of attention you want and deserve, and sometimes it gets you precisely the type of scrutiny and judgment you don’t want (but may also deserve). It’s the uncertainty that makes your “bad” behavior all the more titillating and exciting, like playing with electricity. Will you get a refreshing jolt or a painful zap? Somehow I doubt you could be happy without a little bit of both. Luckily both are on the table this week, and both are what you’ll get. It’s all or nothing. If you don’t want a little pain mixed with your pleasure this week, I’d suggest sticking to your best behavior.



Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Imagine you woke up this morning and walked out to your garden (real or imaginary), to find it choked with weeds. All the plants you’d carefully sown were struggling to poke a few leaves into the sun past the wild and hardy plants that had sprung up around them. Then imagine that instead of going on a weeding frenzy, you simply shrugged and walked away. That’s more or less the equivalent of what you’re thinking about doing. You’ve spent a lot of time nurturing this particular garden. Even though it would be a bit of hard, back-breaking labor to make sure it will survive and thrive, don’t you think it’s ultimately worth it? I do.



Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

You could run around the world a hundred times over and never catch the thing you’re looking for, because it’s running in the same direction, at around the same speed. I hope you figure that out soon—this week, ideally—and decide to give another strategy a go. Perhaps reversing direction? That’d ensure you’d encounter your objective, but it might hurtle past so quickly you’d miss it, unless your reflexes were amazing. What about stopping in place and holding up a big stop sign? Sticking out a leg to trip it as it sprints past? Whatever works. All I know is that what you’ve been doing most definitely does not.



Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Tone down the harshness. One of the things I appreciate about you is your willingness to tell it like it is, to speak the truth even if it’s a bit hard for people to hear. It’s one of the reasons you’re my hero. However, this week I suggest biting your tongue. There’s no reason to withhold your opinions if they’re actively solicited, but please refrain from sharing them with people who haven’t asked for them, because it will only get you into trouble, piss people off, and result in nothing especially productive. No need to lie, or to withhold requested information—just keep quiet whenever you can, and let things play out however they’re going to. That way you can still be the “good guy” when they do.



Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Let’s pretend that you got engaged. Your sweetheart, who was poor, gave you a cute kitschy plastic ring that was just as valuable to you as one with a diamond, because of its sentimental value. Now let’s imagine that you scratched it today and discovered that beneath its garishly colored exterior lay real gold. Would you be petty and pissed because you’d been deceived, perhaps even tested? Or thrilled that what you got out of the deal you agreed to is better than you ever imagined? Since either reaction is equally possible, why don’t you steer yourself towards the one that will make the most people happy?



Aries (March 21-April 19)

It’s almost like the more you want something, the less likely you are to get it. Although some of this is merely your own perception, there is a grain of truth here. Your desire is actually tripping you up, so that you stumble before you get to your goal. So we come to the lesson you’ve learned and relearned throughout your life: Let it go. Let this go and you may or may not get it. But at least you’ll get something, which is more than you’ll have if you keep trying to hang on to this.

Sign Language

Written by Caeriel on . Posted in Posts.


Taurus (April 20-May 20)
For some people, the best part of sex is the intimacy that can follow the act. Barriers go down (if only temporarily), and they can enjoy each other in ways that aren’t possible at any other time. This is the kind of openness you should strive for this week, especially when dealing with someone important to you with whom you haven’t always seen eye-to-eye. I’m not saying you should hop into bed with them (although that may be an option); luckily there are other ways to arrive at that place of mutual vulnerability. Perhaps explore one of those?

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
When did time become a tigress, stalking you in the tall grass and suddenly pouncing on you? With events sneaking up on you and making you feel as helpless and unprepared as a baby rabbit in the grip of a big cat, you might just do what the bunny would do—freeze up and wait for it to be over. However, I hope you can keep your cool. Even though it may not feel like it, there’s still time to react effectively. Do something, anything you can think of. It’s got to be better than just rolling over and waiting for the end.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Honestly, just relax. I know you’re used to stressing, and you feel like unless you’re really proactive, everything you’re working on will go off the rails or simply not happen. This week’s likely to mess with your instincts, though, because it’ll only take about 10% of the effort you’re used to putting into these things to keep everything on track. So just chill out, inside and outside your head! Pretend you’re a stoned Pisces or something. This week, consider yourself more or less free of Murphy’s Law; Murphy is on vacation and only phoning it in.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
I have no real problem with your idiosyncratic form of elitism; it’s your choice, after all, who you hang out with and who you don’t. You know already that sometimes it means you miss out on someone who could be great but doesn’t make a good enough impression to pass your screening process. You’re fine with that. This week, however, the situation you’re in makes snobbiness a big no-no—not just because you’d lose the opportunity to get to know someone awesome, but because people are likely to be snobby right back. Be open, and openness is what you’ll get. Shun, and prepare to be shunned in return.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Who cares what kind of grunge is lurking behind your fridge or under the stove? Those are places no one is ever likely to see unless they actually move these huge, heavy appliances. Well, you do, I know. There’s no changing the fact that you’re concerned with things that don’t concern most people. That doesn’t matter—you’re allowed to take an interest in whatever you want. Your problem: you have to get at least one or two other people fired up about stuff they really don’t care about. You need them to (at least metaphorically) help you move the fridge and stove, to clean up behind and under them. Is it a problem that’s really worth solving? Only you can decide that. However, should you put your mind to finding a solution this week, I’m sure you will.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Make yourself scarce. I rarely answer my phone so when I bother to log into my IM account, I’m suddenly deluged with friends who will jump at the chance to say hi and check in, in real time rather than via phone texts or emails. Too much saturation makes people take you for granted. Make them a little hungry for the delight and wonder that is you. And if you don’t believe you’re delightful and wonderful enough to have people missing you and seeking you out, wherever you are, I’d spend this time alone figuring out why.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Move in, already. Months into this thing you’re still living out of boxes. The walls are bare of decoration and you’re digging through a backpack for the day’s wardrobe. You still haven’t made yourself at home. You haven’t let yourself get used to this new situation. What’s it going to take for you to unpack your stuff, hang up some art, and really start living in this moment? I’d spend this week figuring that out, because otherwise you could continue as you have indefinitely. Move in or move out. Living in Limbo is just a waste of time.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Buried bodies have a way of coming back to haunt you. Some of your past mistakes are still out there, and you never know when one might pop up and make you feel like shit, all over again. That’s a strong possibility in the next couple of weeks. Don’t worry too much about the imminent return of the zombie problem that just won’t die, though. It’s an opportunity, not something to dread. This time, rather than trying to bury it or outrun it, try a different strategy—bring it back to full life. If you can get this particular zombie back to a place where he can digest regular fruits and veggies again, your brain can finally be taken off the menu.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
You may feel like you’ve been swimming against the current a lot in many of your recent endeavors, or that you simply have to work quite hard just to keep all the pieces working together properly. That may change this week—for a few days. Soon new forces will kick in to create a whole new batch of problems for you to solve, but before then you should have the better part of a week for very smooth sailing. Use that time wisely! If you’re lucky and efficient, you should be able to make amazing progress, so if you trip and fall later, and have to crawl to the finish line, it won’t be quite so far to go.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Don’t get settled into your ways. Sure, your ways work just fine. They’ve gotten you this far. But they’re hardly ideal. In fact, the habits you’ve developed are quite average, and a far cry from exercising your full potential. Explore new options. There are ways to maximize your effectiveness and success; you just need to figure out what they are. Luckily, this week is a good one to do exactly that—as long as you can avoid doing things the way you’re familiar with. Sure, they’ll work as they always have. But they’ll also keep you from discovering your true capabilities. You want to do that, right?

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
We’ve already established that the barriers between your tender psyche and the world are incredibly porous. What you may not know is that the permeability is two-way. What you think you’re hiding about how you’re really feeling is at times painfully obvious to the rest of us. This may be disheartening, but you should know: we can read you as easily as you can read us. This is why just expressing what you’re feeling in an honest and forthright manner is pretty much the only way to go, especially during weeks like this one, when the veil between you and us is even thinner than usual. We can see what’s going on anyway—you admitting to it and expressing it instead of pretending it’s not happening will help us actually get somewhere.

Aries (March 21-April 19)
There are certain signals that only you respond to. My dog will lie here and seemingly ignore all sorts of sounds, but another dog barking in the distance will have him listening intently, and the wail of a fire engine will make him howl. Other people have no clue what you’re picking up on, and they may regard you strangely if you respond to things they’ve tuned out. This isn’t usually a problem, and it won’t be this week—as long as you explain yourself. People are curious about what makes you tick; don’t leave them in the dark, as that will only alienate them. Clue them in. They’ll probably think you’re a freak—but they’ll also probably like that about you.

Sign Language

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Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Don’t underestimate how little logic comes into this. The arguments you’re up against are so out there that you may be tempted to laugh at them, certain they’re jokes, because no one could be that ridiculous. Right? Of course, if you do crack up, the situation will only worsen; if there’s one thing an irrational person dislikes more than their viewpoint being disregarded, it’s being mocked. So, what do you do when faced with a situation where logic has no traction, and your sarcastic comments are completely missed? You have to be wily and trick them into seeing things your way, if you can. That should be possible, given your advantageous position and perspective. Remember: no snickering!





Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Keep chipping away at it. Though the process you’re involved in is slow, like digging through a prison wall with a spoon, it will ultimately result in success, as long as you’re incredibly patient. I know patience isn’t your strong suit, but it should help you to know that you are getting somewhere, even if your progress at times is almost imperceptible. What might also encourage you is this: there’s someone on the other side of the wall doing exactly the same thing. See, it’s not so bad! You don’t have to get all the way through by yourself. Someone’s meeting you in the middle, and will be just as elated as you when you both break through.





Cancer (June 21-July 22)


A good friend of mine is trying to time her pregnancy to produce a Cancer child. I tried to warn her that you guys are moody, unpredictable, and sensitive. I told her that feeling trumped logic for you almost every time. “Yes,” she agreed happily. Evidently she likes all those things about you. Luckily for you, she’s not the only one. You have lots of fans (even if it sometimes doesn’t feel like it), and this week many of them will be coming out of the woodwork to express their appreciation of you. Make yourself easy to find.





Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

When someone gets pissed off at you this week, for no good reason that you can see, you’ll be tempted to hold it against them. I agree, it’s no fun being the victim of a stupid misunderstanding, wrongful assumptions, or a plainly faulty thought process, but I hope you can be the bigger person here, and not nurse a grudge or plans of vengeance. They’ll figure out their mistake sooner or later, and having to contend with you being annoyed or retaliatory on top of their own embarrassment will just needlessly complicate the situation and make it that much harder to resolve.





Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Man, you’re stubborn. Capricorns and Leos might dig in their heels in more obvious ways, but in the end they’re easier to move than you are. Personally, I love your tenacity and willingness to stick to your guns. That said, however, there are times when it’s really in your best interest to give ground. This is one of them. Can you see past your own decision to its long-term consequences? Remember there’s more than one person involved here, and even though you may be “in the right” the bigger picture might include elements that make you truly miserable, if “being right” remains your only consideration.





Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

This situation has been out of whack for ages, and you haven’t been able to bring to it the balance you crave. The reason why is because the people involved don’t understand the pieces you’re putting on the other side of the scale, or why they’re important to you. They’re never going to give those things weight or credence until you convince them of their worth. Right now, some of the stuff you’re allowing to influence your decision seems illogical or unimportant from their perspective. This week, enlighten them (again, if necessary). They’re more likely to listen than ever before.





Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

When under attack, you have a few choices on how to respond. You could run and hide, or turn over and surrender. You might toughen yourself up so you could simply take the punches with little to no effect. Full on retaliation—eliminating the threat entirely—is always an option. You could also simply refine your reflexes until you’re able to dodge nearly every blow. Naturally, continuing to simply suffer as you have been is a possibility, too, though I hope you’re ready to explore other options. The first two choices I suggested—flight or submission—are not at all your style, so I’d suggest any combination of the next three. This week, figure out and implement whatever you suspect will work for you.





Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)


Most of the Sagittarians I know are able to feel at home anywhere they go. They can curl up on someone’s sofa with the same peaceful serenity other signs can only experience in their own beds in their own homes. I have no idea how you carry this feeling of sanctuary with you when you go places, nor how you muster so much grace while doing without habitual comforts. Won’t you share at least one or two of your trade secrets? There’s someone you know and love who could really benefit from them right now.





Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)


People may give you shit for being so contrary so often, but it’s your unique perspective that makes you special. You see the beauty in a grim rainy day, how it makes the greenery outside look so lush. While everyone else is bemoaning the “crappy weather” and longing for sunshine, you’re simply happy. While you’ve learned to not always present the opposing viewpoint—because people get annoyed—in this case you ought to anyway. It might raise some hackles, but it could also bring a perspective that’s just a little more joyful (or at least serene) into some unhappy person’s life.





Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

You’re a tree on a trip. Someone bound up your roots in a dirt-filled burlap sack, threw you in a truck, and shipped you somewhere. Now you’ve finally been stuck in the ground and at last your poor cramped roots have a chance to unfurl, take hold, and feed you enough to allow you to grow. Your journey must have been uncomfortable at best, and miserable at worst, but please don’t waste time resenting those who put you through all that. Instead, take a breath, and a look at your new situation, which is rife with new opportunities, some you may never have even imagined before. Like it or not, they did you a favor. The sooner you can realize that and move on, the better.





Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

You may feel that recent events represent the last nail in your metaphorical coffin. Sure, if you keep on as you have been, it won’t be long before you’re effectively (and still metaphorically) dead and buried, but there’s still an amazingly good chance to turn this around. It’s just a matter of shifting your perspective and rethinking not only your destination, but your route. After all, a well-built coffin could probably make a decent boat, or shelter from the rain, or toboggan, with only a few adjustments. What minor alterations can you make to this seemingly untenable situation that will turn it on its head? This week is a good one to try to implement any that you can think of.





Aries (March 21-April 19)

While it might not always be your number one purpose to create more joy and beauty in people’s lives, please make it so this week. Why you? First off, you’re especially good at it, when you’ve a mind to be. Second, it’ll be a blast. Third, what else have you got going on? If you can really make an argument that whatever you’re up to is so important that you can’t spare a little of your time and energy—or preferably, most of it—to enlivening and enriching the live of a few others, then so be it. But if you can’t come up with an amazingly good reason for not doing so, I fully expect you to make this your top priority, pronto.

Sign Language

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Aries (March 21-April 19)

Your life this week will be like a badly-designed roller coaster; the ride is over just as it’s getting good. You’ve barely uttered your first whoop of delight when suddenly you’re pulling into the boarding area and someone else is waiting to take your seat. There’s not much you can about the ride itself; that’s sort of out of your hands. What I would do is focus on the positive. In your case that’s likely to be the person sitting next to you on the ride, who’s just as disappointed as you are, and just as likely to be game to help you make up something more exciting—and sustainable—to do.





Taurus (April 20-May 20)


While you’re anxiously and impatiently waiting for one specific thing to happen, you’re missing out on a whole host of other great stuff. It’s like you’re awaiting the dawn, and can’t enjoy anything that happens until the sun peeps above the horizon, just because it’s dark. Can you please accept that the sun will come up exactly when scheduled, no matter how hard you wish it would arrive sooner? Then you might be able to stop trying to will the day into existence and just enjoy all the good stuff that’s happening right now, in the wee hours of the morning.



Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Your cravings are desperately out of synch with reality, and that’s going to cause buttloads of problems for you this week. Not only will you not be able to enjoy the bowl of strawberry shortcake placed in front of you because it’s not the chocolate mousse you were longing for, but you’ll be so distracted by your desire for one type of companionship that you could completely miss the offers for other (in my opinion, better) forms sent your way. You know that song that goes, “If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with.” Consider that mantra this week. You may discover that the one you’re with is way better anyway; you just never bothered to notice before.





Cancer (June 21-July 22)

A bee in your iced tea at a family picnic could mean a lose-lose situation for everyone concerned. However, if you’re paying attention, you could make it not so bad, by fishing out the bee (still sucks for her) before you drink. Your correct anticipation of potential trouble and astute observation of the situation at hand could help you avoid all potential disasters this week. That’s the good news. The bad news is that there are plenty of crises that require avoidance. Keep your eyes peeled and don’t rest for a second. The bees will never cease contemplating kamikaze dives into your drink. Be ready for them.





Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)


Frequent encounters with the one or two chronically bitter sourpusses you know could be major downers, but please don’t let them get to you. I know these people are bitchy and impossible to please, and that’s horribly annoying. But letting it irritate you will never be helpful. Know that their situation is impossible for you to change. It may be useful to notice and remember that by and large these are desperately unhappy people. That concept, whose truth should be obvious, may trigger the lubricating compassion you need to let their bullshit slide off your back this week.





Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

As romantic as sex on the beach may sound, those who’ve actually tried it will recall that by and large it’s a rather gritty, potentially uncomfortable affair. You’ll find that to be the case a lot this week—what sounds good in theory will prove less practical when you get down to actually doing it. That doesn’t mean you need to abandon the venture entirely; it just might need a bit of tweaking to work as intended. There’s still plenty of whatever you’re looking for there—just getting to it might be trickier than you thought. Get creative, and sex on the beach will be just as dreamy and steamy as it was in your head.





Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)


Ooh, snarky! Your silver tongue has taken on an a surprisingly sharp edge of late. Usually you don’t like to risk offending people to this degree, but I guess the pressure just built up to intolerable levels, and you had to let people have it, come what may. Personally, I like it. But this shift in your dynamic might require more attitude adjustment than some of your friends are capable of. They’re used to the non-confrontational version of you, and the person who’s stepped forward, willing to make enemies instead of being desperate to be liked by everyone, is someone they may not recognize. There comes a time for every Libra when you have to make a choice between being liked and sticking to your guns. For some of you, that time may come this week.





Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)


Get your beauty sleep this week, Scorpio. The stresses you’ll face will seem negligible and ridiculously easy to deal with if you have a certain amount of serenity, patience, and energy. If you don’t have a stockpile of internal resources, however—like if you’re sleep-deprived—you could become completely overwhelmed and break down. So make sure you don’t stretch yourself too thin; you’ll need a lot of resilience and bounce when the shit starts to fly. In other words, take every break you can, and soak up every minute of rest. You want to be ready to jump into action whenever the action starts—and that could be any second now.



Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)


Find neutral mental territory. Let’s use animals as an example of what I mean. Some people treat their pets like children. Others think it’s OK to kick a dog because, “it’s just a dog.” There’s a happy middle ground here, where animals can be accorded respect and dignity, but not dressed in bibs and baby bonnets. You thought you lived in that reasonable land between extremes, but this week you may discover that you’re closer to putting diapers on your dog than you thought. Whatever the subject, find a place where equilibrium and common sense prevail, and move there right away.





Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

You like being prepared so much and knowing what lies ahead that you tend to spoil your own surprises. Chances are no one you know is as slick and crafty as you; thus you’re virtually impossible to trick. You tend to uncover plots (both benevolent and malevolent) long before they ever come to fruition. This week you may expose yet another less-than-sinister plan to make you a happier person. Luckily, if you’re clever, no one will discover your discovery. In other words: please pretend you’re surprised when the thing actually happens. It’ll make everyone—including you—happier, which was kind of the point all along.





Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

A friend of mine recently had a baby and was accosted by all kinds of Mommy Nazis when they saw her bottle-feeding her kid. For medical reasons, she wasn’t able to breast-feed the child, but these would-be do-gooders were relentless, verging on cruel at times, accusing her of child abuse for “denying” her infant breast milk. Beware this kind of thing this week, Aquarius. You may feel strongly about a subject, but just like those fascistic mammarians, you don’t know the whole story. Give people the benefit of the doubt (or just mind your own business), please.





Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

No one’s going to understand your “system” for doing things. By your own admission, it’s illogical and inefficient. The thing is, it works for you, and you’re the only person it has to work for. Don’t feel compelled to do things a different way just because other people don’t get it. Go ahead with the methods you know will get results, for you. Some people may bitch, whine, and question you, but as long as you don’t let that rattle you, you should be able to produce something that’s better than they expected. Allow them to make you nervous or filled with self-doubt, though, and it’s all for naught; they’ll have proven themselves right.

Sign Language

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Aries (March 21-April 19)

Finally, the spotlight is on you! Don’t blink, or you might miss it, though. Also, don’t look or listen behind you, or you might notice the handful of asses in the wings booing and jeering and doing their very best to salt your game. This is your very brief but glorious moment to shine; are you going to let your naysayers ruin it for you? Use that famous singlemindedness of yours to enjoy it to the fullest and tune them out completely. You can worry about them later, when you’re not in the middle of something that could be potentially incredible. Right now, though, I’d enjoy that.





Taurus (April 20-May 20)


Usually you’re happy with things as they are, but occasionally you get hungry for just that little bit of excitement and adventure. Most of the time, you suppress this urge, for fear that your desires could ruin all the good stuff you have. This week, however, you should feel free to indulge, within reason. You’ve earned a lot of good credit; go spend some of it. Enjoy yourself, and come back happy. Those you love will be glad to see you go there, even if you do misbehave a little. The only caveat to all these naughty good times: whatever you do get up to, don’t lie about it later.





Gemini (May 21-June 20)

You can’t rely on technicalities to save your ass. Obeying the letter of the law but not its spirit is sneaky, and you know it. I don’t care if you helped write the law and included this loophole specifically—those whose trust you violate are going to call shenanigans, and they’re right. If you decide to go there anyway, don’t try to defend yourself with semantics. There are so many people ready to call you out on that bullshit, it’s not funny. Go on and do what you want, if it’s that important to you, but don’t think you can do it and not get caught—and probably (at least metaphorically) spanked.





Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Your incredibly astute perception is more weakness than strength, this week. Because you’re able to read between the lines of what’s before you, and assess how people really feel—as opposed to how they say they feel—you have access to extra information. You could use that information to empower yourself, but you’re most likely to use it to make yourself feel bad, hold yourself back, and generally sabotage the situation. Can you stop yourself from doing that, Cancer? If not, perhaps you could try another strategy: ignoring your gut. That goes against what you’re all about, I know—but if your intuition is only going to make you miserable right now, what good is it?





Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)


Some people are simply always going to bug you. Being who you are, they’re probably going to notice, eventually, that you’re not exactly beaming love and affection their way. What do you do when they approach you about it? Your natural inclination is to just tell the truth, but in this case, I’d say spare yourself the headache. Stirring up this shit isn’t likely to get them to change, and, to be fair, this is as much your baggage as anything to do with them. Tell them you’re moody and not to worry about it—and resolve to try to be nicer to them in the future, starting this week.





Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

You’re good at letting the big stuff slide. You can make huge decision almost flippantly, because you’ve laid the foundation for them by attending to all the little details underneath. Unfortunately, it’s exactly those details that trip you up. Your focus on the nitty-gritty is frequently—and especially lately—a source of annoyance and frustration for you. I’m sure you often wish you could just ignore them the way other people seem to. However, I urge you to look at the flip side of that intense awareness—an appreciation for the details. There’s tremendous beauty to be found among them, beauty that most others simply aren’t privy to. Use that beauty to counterbalance the aggravation that comes with attending to those fundamentals that other people are able to (but shouldn’t) ignore.





Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)


You can be a little bit of an elitist. Although your standards don’t necessarily match those of others, or of society, you still place value on certain things and those who don’t seem to be up to snuff just don’t get the time of day from you. Fine. No one’s asking you to go out and make friends who don’t turn your crank. However, your snobbiness could have negative repercussions for you, this week, because some of those people you consider so far beneath you could actually contribute quite a lot to your life—if you’d bother to let them play even a minor role in it.





Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

You’re generally reluctant to even try something new unless you know, ahead of time, that you’re likely to be quite good at it right off the bat. That’s understandable, but also a shame, because some of the things you could be genius at would require plenty of time, practice, and embarrassing failures to get to that point. I know you’re disinclined to endure the mildly humiliating learning process involved in beginning something completely new. Screw that. We all start somewhere. Considering the awesome place you could end up, I say get over yourself and give this a go, already.





Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

This situation has nothing to do with you, right? Well, I guess so. You could easily walk away from it, mind your own business and wait for it to blow over. But once again, you have the advantage of a unique, reasonably objective perspective. Paired with your charisma, that could enable you to mitigate the drama and spare a lot of hurt feelings all around. I can understand your reluctance to wade into a huge mess you didn’t help create, but do its origins really matter? What matters is that you have more power to make it go away faster than anyone else already involved. Won’t you exercise it?





Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)


You get what you want except when you’re not sure what you want. Then you flounder. This is totally unfamiliar territory, and terribly confusing to you. That’s why you need to turn to someone who’s used to navigating in this kind of fog. A Pisces, perhaps? This may feel strange, seeking advice from someone you usually think of as flaky and undirected, but it’s the smartest thing you can do right now. They won’t be able to tell you how to make the swift forward progress that you’re used to—that, after all, simply isn’t possible right now. But they will be able to tell you how to at least move forward, slowly—instead of backward or in circles.





Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

You want to be generous to someone, but you’ve mostly been denied the avenue you would’ve preferred. Instead of giving up completely, you need to rethink your strategy. You’ll need to be a lot more creative about ways to exercise your generosity. You’ll also probably need to let go of any chance of getting “credit” for your gift. Be sneaky and make sure its origins are truly impossible to trace (a lame cover-up job will backfire on you), so that the recipient has no choice but to accept it. If it’s truly a gift, it shouldn’t matter that it’s come from you, should it?





Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Sometimes your friends regard you as a sage, possessing abundant philosophical wisdom. Sometimes, though, some people regard you with something akin to scorn for the way you live your life. This week, especially, the dichotomy may prove especially frustrating What you need to keep in mind to get through the hypocrisy is that no one else is in a position to really understand what your life is like and how you see things. They can’t judge you, one way or the other, because they can’t be inside your head. That’s not to say no one can or should expect anything from you—however it’s your choice whether or not you can or should meet those expectations. Regardless, they can’t and should not judge you for it, either way.

Sign Language

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Aries (March 21-April 19)

Everyone’s on board with your plan—everyone except the one person you’d most like to be on board. Because almost all of us love your plan, we’re praying that you don’t throw it all away for this one person. You’re prone to extravagant melodramatic gestures like that, sometimes. It’d be an awfully dumb thing to do just because one person won’t (or, more likely, can’t) get on board right now. Please move forward with your excellent idea. That special person may or may not ever climb on board, but at least give them a chance by actually setting sail.





Taurus (April 20-May 20)


This week is an exercise in patience and maturity—specifically, yours. You’re likely to be subject to a variety of obnoxious and inappropriate behaviors. These aren’t plots to undermine or destroy your peace of mind, but rather incredibly inept and desperate pleas for attention. Can you be the one adult in a sea of emotional teenagers? Or will you complain that it’s not fair? (It isn’t, but that’s just the way it is.) How generous and forgiving can you be? Can you rise above the annoyance and give those in question some of the tolerant, insightful attention they sorely need? They won’t thank you for it, probably—but the rest of us will.





Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Playing rock, paper, scissors may not be the best way to decide something, but at least something would get decided. Short of some kind of intervention, some of us fear that you’ll never come to any sort of point here.  I know you’d rather arrive at some kind of intelligent decision that’s less random than simply flipping a coin. But at least that way, you’d finally reach some sort of conclusion, instead of endless wavering as you have been for—how long now? Weeks? Months? Years? Way too long. Flip a coin already. Any decision is better than none.





Cancer (June 21-July 22)


Where will you choose to see (and show) the most beauty? In the big picture and the long view, or in the details? Do you want a portrait taken from far away, with Vaseline on the lens? Or do you want an extreme close-up, with emphasis on all the details, even if they seem like “imperfections?” If you present the former to the world, you’re likely to get lots of admirers but few, if any, will stick around once they get close enough to see the stuff that got left out of that image. The latter, however, might not net you any admirers at all, unless you find someone who’s able to see beauty in those details. Of course, that’s the kind of person you ultimately want to find, right?





Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Keep things simple. You’ve always had an appreciation for simplicity and forthrightness, and tend to possess those qualities yourself. Yet somehow you still end up entangled in nets of obfuscation, vagueness, and manipulation. Extricate yourself from that kind of bullshit, Leo, and the lame people intent on keeping you tangled up in them and more or less holding you back. They’re ultimately not worth your time, and should be left behind as soon as reasonably possible. Find the people who are as direct, honest, and clear as you are. You’ll appreciate them. What’s more, they’ll appreciate you.





Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Don’t be such a wimp! You’re like someone who goes snow-boarding for the first time, then wakes up sore the next day and decides, “This is not for me.” Of course things will hurt when you’re trying something new. This is the equivalent of exercising muscles you’ve rarely used before. I can’t believe you’re willing to give up this easily. I won’t let you, and I hope there are at least a few other people in your life who will push you to keep at it. Get your ass up! Stretch, work out the kinks, and then get right back to whatever it was you were doing to give yourself such an awesome workout.



Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Recognize that determination will only take you so far. I’m a big fan of mind over matter and an “anything’s possible” attitude, but sometimes you just have to face a big old reality check and admit that something or someone might simply be out of your league (at the very least, right now). If you want to build yourself up to reach new heights, you’ve got to make sure your foundation is solid enough to handle it, or you’ll collapse, regardless of your will to succeed. Take it down a few notches and check on your foundation. Is it cracked? Is it big enough and strong enough to hold you up as you grow? If not, spend this week (and perhaps much longer) working on it before you even contemplate reaching for the heavens.





Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Scars are not all that define us, as individuals, but the wounds we recovered from do play a large part in determining who we are. Thus they should be honored, and, if possible, cherished. Suffering, in the right quantities, can breed incredible, inspiring people. This is not to say you shouldn’t try to ease others’ suffering whenever you can. You should always do your best in this regard; life is hard enough! But when you simply can’t make someone’s troubles go away, you can take comfort in the fact that if they survive their woes, they’ll ultimately be better off for it.





Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Ants follow scent messages left by their sisters as they carry out their daily labors. You, too, are following secret signals that you might not even be consciously aware of. Luckily, I believe you to have far more capacity than an ant to become conscious of them, and choose how you’ll react to them, instead of just blindly heeding them. This week, try to take note of how many of your decisions you make without really thinking about them. This is not to say you should endlessly deliberate over every little thing. But actually noticing your decisions is the first step towards being able to assess whether they’re smart ones or not.





Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

When presented with a choice between two kinds of competitions—one a straightforward race, where the fastest person gets the prize, and the other something more devious, which involves analysis, manipulation, and even deviousness—most signs would unequivocally choose one over the other every time. Not you sly Capricorns. Asked to select a preference between those two possibilities, your answer would assuredly be: “Whichever one I’m more likely to win.” Unfortunately, you can’t know that ahead of time in this case, so think of it like this: run the race whose winner you would ultimately respect more.





Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)


When it comes right down to it, you do what you’ve got to do. You may turn up your nose, at first, to some of the necessities but once you’ve decided they’re necessities, you roll up your sleeves and get to them. Stranded in the middle of nowhere, you’d do what you had to do to survive, even if it meant hunting squirrels for their meat and pelts. We’d find you a couple years down the line garbed all in grey gnawing on a tiny rodent leg quite happily. The situation you’re faced with is one of those: rife with unpleasant necessities. You already know how adaptable you are once you’ve jumped into a situation; the delay is usually while you’re still on the brink. Go on, get it over with. Leap and adapt, already.





Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

These people mean business. They don’t mess around. You don’t think of yourself as someone who does, but by their standards, you may simply be too vague, non-committal, and ultimately too flaky to count on—unless you step it up. Can you do that, Pisces? Or are you so attached to your ways of doing things that you’ll let an opportunity like this pass you by? Intentions mean squat if you can’t follow through on them. Ultimately, this is a question you’ll always have to face. We know you can talk a big game—but can you, realistically, live up to it?

Sign Language

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Aries (March 21-April 19)

You’re one of the least conflicted people around. This is not to say you don’t have internal dichotomies, or that you never have trouble making up your mind. It’s just that figuring out what you want (and what you don’t) is easier for you than for most people, and deciding on which side of any given line you’ll fall is almost always a no-brainer. This week, however, people may very well mistake you for a Pisces, given how difficult it might be for you to express your position or even understand how you’re feeling. Don’t panic when things don’t immediately resolve into crystal clarity. In this particular case, they may never become clear. You’ll just have to get used to navigating in the fog.





Taurus (April 20-May 20)

In your life, there’s time to work and time to play, and you nearly never let the two blend. While not mixing business with pleasure might be a good general rule of thumb, occasionally it can create an experience that’s both fun and profitable. What playfulness can you bring to work that will make it a better place for everyone (including you), but also ultimately more successful? And can you find a way to connect your job to the rest of your life that doesn’t detract from it, but synergistically add to it instead? This week, look for one.





Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Stop burning your extra energy uselessly, like a zoo tiger restlessly pacing her cage. If you look for them, this week you ought to be able to find several new outlets for that abundant energy. They could easily soak it all up, and then some. This is a good thing, but it could go too far. Ironically, you don’t have quite enough energy or time to realistically handle all of your new distractions, in the long run. Some of them will have to go, but not yet. Take this week to try them all out, so when you have to choose between them, you’ll be able to make an informed decision about which will stay, and which will go.





Cancer (June 21-July 22)

You know grey areas better than almost anyone. Lately, your whole life is a grey area, with so little etched in black and white that your once-swift decision-making skills have gone out the window. Any decision you make has so many positive and negative ramifications that doing the math and figuring out which route would be best would require an advanced degree in quantum mechanics. There is a light shining through the fog, though. Your indecision is caused largely by a lack of information, too many things you just don’t know. This week, many of the “ifs” clouding your way are likely to become certainties, making the path before you much more clear.





Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Don’t become too obsessed with status. What’s a title or a trophy, anyway? It’s a symbol at best, and sometimes the bequeathing is so loaded with drama and politics that it’s robbed of all meaning anyway. What really matters are your relationships with other people, regardless of the labels applied to them or to you. Pay attention to those this week, rather than focusing on some artificial bullshit that’s supposed to mean something but actually doesn’t. How those you respect privately regard you is ultimately more important than whatever lameass public recognition you might (or might not) receive.





Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)


Forget review. You have this habit of going over and over something ad infinitum—from your shopping list to a love note to any kind of upcoming test of your abilities, until it’s “perfect” in your mind. The irony is that you consequently often end up with a much less-than-perfect result, because you’ve over-thought it. Usually your raw first gut inclination is the best one, and your incessant analysis can only rob that of strength. Will you stop doing that, please? This week especially, go with your first response—it will almost invariably be the best one.





Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Get it out. Whatever it is you’re holding on to that’s making you feel sick, disgorge it this week and get rid of it forever. Personally, I hate vomiting, but I have to admit that when you eat something bad it’s a relief just to get it out. The same can go for the mental and emotional poisons you’re hanging onto, because you’re reluctant to endure the uncomfortable process of ridding yourself of them once and for all. That’s nothing to look forward to, I’ll admit, but after the fact I guarantee: you’ll know it was worth it, because you’ll feel that much better.





Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

This week is about balance. Specifically, it’s about bringing into your life new elements to create equilibrium with some of the extremes you’re already engaged in. Pretend you’re a Libra (only not as boring) and figure out where and how to get the stuff you need to bring symmetry and stability to your life. Be proactive here; these things are not going to just fall into your lap. You can’t simply be open to them; you have to be aggressive about finding them and inviting them into your life. This week, please go do that.





Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Lose the crutches. I know you’ve used them to hobble this far, and that you’re slightly addicted to them, but the truth is you’re ready to be free of them (and have been for a while now). You may have doubted that, or been simply unwilling to let them go, but it’s past time. Cast them aside. That may prove difficult, but you should ultimately be able to free yourself of them and realize that instead of helping you, they’ve become sort of a hindrance. That realization—and of course the act of letting them go—should make it obvious what you’re now capable of: not walking or limping along as you have been, but running, full speed.





Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)


You’re like a curious child who’s wandered into her grandparents’ attic. There you’re apt to discover knowledge you never suspected existed—aspects of a parent’s existence before you came along, for example. After you’re done recovering from your shock, you’ll be faced with what may seem like a difficult decision (but is actually a no-brainer). What you do with these secrets is up to you, but I hope you use them for the purpose they’d best serve; whatever new information comes to light this week, allow it to bring you closer to the people it concerns, not increase the distance between you.





Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)


Sometimes people talk about you being disconnected from or not present in a situation. I think a lot of that has to do with the general equanimity with which you approach life, so what appears to be absence or diffidence is actually just the laid-back aspect of your nature. But it can be frustrating for those who desire a stronger reaction—good or bad. This week you ought to be able to more ably express your most engaged side in a very convincing way. This doesn’t mean you have to take everything over the top or ham things up. But if you do care, show it. If you have passion for something or someone, find a way to express it.





Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

There’s a point in most children’s lives where they have to admit to themselves that their imaginary friends aren’t real. This can happen to adults too, except for grown-ups, those imaginary friends are usually super-imposed upon real people you know. Without realizing it, you impart entirely made-up qualities onto people who simply don’t possess them. It’s amazing how long these delusions can continue despite a total lack of supporting evidence—sometimes until they are brutally shattered by some real-life event that complete negates any plausible deniability. You don’t have to wait until the shit hits the fan, though. This week, open your eyes, and do your best to see at least one of your imaginary friends as they really are.

Sign Language

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Aries (March 21-April 19)

You’d like to think that your past lovers sometimes wake up in the morning and think about you, just like you do them. They probably do, though they’d never admit it. The thing is, when people are done with you, they’re done with you for good, usually. They never forget you, though. Take comfort in that this week, when you’re likely to be haunted by things that might have been and people who are no longer in your life. They may want nothing to do with you, and ultimately what you have to do is let them go. But rest assured that they had to let you go, too—and it wasn’t as easy as they made it out to be.



Taurus (April 20-May 20)

It takes more than just hard work. There’s an element of luck for which there’s no substitute. You can dig and dig and put in as much hard work as you like, but unless you’re lucky enough to stumble upon someone’s buried treasure, all that digging is actually just a waste of time. There’s only so much you can do through sheer will. Part of success is sometimes as simple as being in the right place at the right time. Working hard is your M.O., I know, but don’t be stupid. Keep an eye out for the lucky breaks, this week, that will make all your labors worthwhile.



Gemini (May 21-June 20)

I once had a boss who was the kind of alcoholic who hated drinking alone, so he always brought plenty of booze to any kind of work get-together, and encouraged people to get quite drunk, even when it meant they would be impaired at work the next day. Beware of this fellow and anyone who’s likely to bring out the worst in you, especially if they put pressure on you to misbehave. It may be hard to turn your nose up at free booze, but steering completely clear is still your best option. Do you have the willpower to exercise it?



Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Don’t be bossy. Most people bristle at being told what to do, no matter how nicely you phrase it, and that tendency is likely to be even more extreme this week. You often know what’s best for others (though frequently not what’s best for yourself), so it’s understandable that you want to steer them in the “right” directions. Please refrain. Issuing even the most well-meant commands or suggestions won’t get the results you hope for; in fact, they’re likely to get people pissed at you on top of whatever other disasters they get themselves into.



Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

You may like doing the same things, over and over. For most Leos, if you enjoy something once, chances are you’ll enjoy it many times, if given the opportunity. But some of the people you associate with are more fickle and changeable than that. For them, repeating the same action is about as exciting as playing fetch with the dog. It’s fun a couple times and then it becomes insanely boring, even if it’s endless fun for the dog. Recognize that. Hopefully, the people you like are tolerant enough to humor you most of the time—return the favor and humor them by trying something new, every chance you get.



Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Just because you spent hours fussing around until everything was just so, exactly the way you wanted it, doesn’t give you the right to be prickly when other people arrive on the scene and mess it up. Haven’t you learned by now? That’s what other people do. They don’t mean to be annoying or spiteful. They just can’t help it. Entropy is other people. Can you accept that, and finally achieve serenity in your companionship and your labors? Or will you continue to be needlessly lonely and pissed when other people show up and screw things up?



Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Be open to randomness this week. The most interesting, exciting stuff likely to happen to you right now week is the stuff you couldn’t possibly predict, and might let pass you completely by if you’re not careful. If you’re used to giving strangers who approach you the brush-off, as a matter of habit, try to suspend that tendency for the moment. Of course, go ahead and give them the brush-off if it turns out they’re full of shit, but giving them a minute won’t hurt you. I’ll wager for every minute you waste listening to something that wasn’t worth your while, you’ll get ten minutes that trump anything else you might reasonably like to do.



Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

This week, you might feel like you’re buried up to the neck in the burning desert, with vultures circling overhead, squabbling about who’s going to get first dibs on your juicy eyes. What may surprise you most is how much you had to do with your current situation. You may even have helped dig the hole you’re now occupying, and given tacit permission to those who put you in this dire predicament. Unfortunately, you’ve sort of stripped yourself of a lot of the power required to extricate yourself; there’s simply not much you can do—except, of course, sheepishly hollering for help. You’re sure to get it, even if you’re also the butt of a few jokes, too. Still, that’s better than vultures eating your eyes.



Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Since when did your skin become so thin? You’re usually able to have a sense of humor about yourself, and take a little ribbing with good-natured aplomb, but lately you’ve been on the defensive so often that people feel like they’re walking on eggshells around you. Don’t we get enough of that with the Cancers and Pisces? Toughen up, Sag. Remember how great it is to be able to laugh at yourself, and do what you have to do to get back to that place. Hint: it may involve doing something even more foolish and hilarious than anything you’ve ever done, so over-the-top that it leaves you no choice but to admit the joke’s on you.



Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Given a small patch of ground to plant things in, what will you choose to put into it? Something relatively useless and lackluster but so low-maintenance that you couldn’t possibly screw it up and kill it? Some vegetables that might take a lot of work but could pay off deliciously? Or something neither practical nor easy, but beautiful, like gorgeous but high-maintenance flowers? That’s the kind of decision you’ll make this week, probably without noticing. I suggest you pay attention. There’s no wrong answer here, but what you choose will give you some very valuable information about yourself—information I’m not sure you had before.



Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

My dog is in the garden, sniffing out the chewed-up tennis ball detritus of a previous canine tenant. He’s thrilled to find these disgusting zombie remnants; I’m less so, but I humor him by throwing the slimy things anyway. You have to do that kind of thing for those you love. Had you forgotten that? Recently you’ve turned up your nose at anything that wasn’t perfectly up your alley, completely ignoring how happy it might make someone else. Lately, you’ve reaped the results of that kind of selfishness, and been less than happy with them. There’s an easy solution here, you know. Pick up the slimy dog ball and play along. It’s not that bad, and you’ll ultimately be glad you did.



Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

You’re swimming in a murky green pond. It’s so full of messy life that you can’t see more than a foot in any direction, and have no idea what might be lurking beneath your unprotected toes. Normally this situation would fill you with unease or even horror, but I hope this week you can trust me enough to relax and enjoy yourself. There are no sharks down there, of course. There aren’t even snakes or leeches. Actually, what’s hiding beyond your sight are delights and pleasant surprises, believe it or not. All you have to do is relax, enjoy yourself, and wait until they swim up to nibble on your toes.

Sign Language

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Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Your intuition is so often spot-on that you’ve learned to trust it implicitly. This, however, can occasionally lead you far astray; although it’s frequently accurate, it’s hardly infallible. Treating it as such, especially this week, could get you into serious trouble, because for once you’re just plain wrong. I know, it’s shocking, isn’t it? Can you imagine how failing to give someone the benefit of doubt (since for whatever reason you don’t have any) would probably piss them off, seeing as how they actually deserve it? To prevent such a scenario, do the inconceivable: ignore your gut for once, and trust your head instead.



Aries (March 21-April 19)

You may be one of the lucky Rams, who feels she’s found her place in a community of friends and family. If you’re not, though, don’t freak. I know how you like knowing where you stand with people, and feeling secure in their affections, and how awful it can be to wonder if people actually want you to stick around or not. In most cases, when you’re not quite getting the security and adoration you desire, you leave. You wander on, unsure, looking for something you can’t quite put your finger on. That would be a mistake here. What you’ve got is pretty good, even if it could use some tweaking. This week, don’t leave it—tweak it.



Taurus (April 20-May 20)

If I gave you the chance to go back in time and change just one thing you’d done, most of you wouldn’t. That’s not because you have no regrets. It’s because the majority of you simply wouldn’t be able to choose which single thing you’d like to turn around. Think about it. It’s almost impossible, isn’t it? However, if you can come to any kind of clarity on the subject, there’s a window here. You can’t exactly go back in time and undo anything that’s already happened, but—if you act before the weekend hits—you have an amazingly good chance to go a long way towards “fixing” it.



Gemini (May 21-June 20)

You thought you had it all figured out, didn’t you? You believed the issue sorted and settled. Only now, you’re not so sure. What if you were wrong? It’s unlikely, I know, but events this week are apt to plant doubts in your mind. As unsettling as it might be, second-guessing yourself right now would be a good thing. After all, you don’t want to have to live with potential mistakes (and their consequences) forever, do you? As for rectifying those errors, if you discover some—there’s no time like the present, my friend. Not everyone gets a chance to correct her mistakes. Here’s yours.



Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Molting time! As you outgrow your metaphorical shell, it’s time to find a new one. That means you may feel exceptionally squishy and vulnerable this week, and long for someone solid and strong to stand between you and the world, who’ll take all the knocks you’ve got coming. Bad idea. Part of your personal growth is about getting out there and really embracing your whole life—the knocks along with the strokes. That may feel tricky right now, but it’s not. Without your emotional armor, you’re ill-suited to take hard hits, but you’re also more lightweight and fluid; you may be able to dodge them instead.



Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Stop thinking that everything you want lies behind a single door, and that there’s only one way through that door. That only perpetuates the illusion that as soon as you do the one thing that will score you the key to that door, all of life’s best experiences will lay down at your feet, ripe for the plunder. There is no door and certainly no key, and nothing as simple as winning the lottery or getting that job (or that nose/boob job) would open it in any case. The reality is that there are many doors (and windows) and many treasures lurking behind each one. I hope you’re wise enough by now to find that a comfort, not a let-down.



Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

By now you should know how bad your shoes taste, having stuck your foot in your mouth many, many times. Tread carefully this week, for your toes are dancing precariously close to your lips. If you’re not absolutely sure that what you’re saying is exactly what you want to say, keep your naughty mouth shut. A slip of the tongue right now could haunt you for months. Find other, more careful and thoughtful ways to communicate whenever necessary. Write it down. Then, at least, you have a chance to edit your words before they condemn you to flossing with your shoelaces.



Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Which would you prefer? An annoying bug constantly buzzing in your ear, or not being able to hear at all? Unfortunately, your primary source of vital information right now happens to be someone who irritates the hell out of you (probably with good reason). Your choice is to shut them down, thereby cutting yourself off from where you want to go and the things you may need to know, or just dealing with it. If you do decide that you ultimately have to put the mosquito out of its misery, it’s better to do so sooner rather than later. If you do it this week, you may still have time to find another, less annoying conduit for the goodies you need.



Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)


Your Achilles’ Heel, my dear, is your deep resistance to compromise. You want it all or you don’t want any of it, and sadly, that means you don’t get any of it, much of the time. Aren’t you sick of doing without? Perhaps you’re finally ready to give the supposedly boring middle road a try. There are some very good deals on the table right now. Take another look at them. Although each of them lacks something you supposedly “need,” by taking advantage of at least a few of them, you could end up so far ahead of the game that you don’t even miss the pieces you were holding out for.



Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Just because you have your own private source of sunshine and happiness, you may have difficulty paying attention to or caring about how the weather is for everyone else. That’s understandable, but also very bad. Your own incredible good fortune should make you more solicitous about the wellbeing of others, not less. Hopefully your safety and joy means the parts of your mind usually devoted to securing those things can now be put to other uses—like noticing how miserable some of your friends are, and perhaps thinking of ways to help mitigate that misery. Quit daydreaming and counting your lucky stars and get to it, please.



Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Something is better than nothing. In a week rife with compromises and virtually no ideal solutions, that has to be your mantra. Keep repeating it, as you encounter one sub-par situation after another, and just try hard to make the best of each one as it comes. You’re an excellent negotiator, and if you’re cunning and bold enough, you could still shift the balance from red to black, if only just barely. Whatever you do, don’t spend time feeling sorry for yourself. You can’t afford self-pity; it’s not included in what’s already a very tight budget.



Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

What you’ve got, no one’s buying, at least not this week. The market’s flooded with knock-offs, and people aren’t clued in enough to spend more for the real deal. Don’t get too down on yourself. They’ll come around eventually. In the meantime, chill out. This isn’t the time for a hard sell, or even advertisement. Your best bet is finding a handful of die-hard worshippers and relying on word-of-mouth from there. It may take time, but ultimately that’s all you’ll need. The people who need you will find you, and be ever so grateful and appreciative when they do.

Sign Language

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Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Your unpredictability is what makes you exciting, but also frustrating. Take this week, for instance. How is anyone supposed to guess how you’ll react to this new situation? There are times when you desperately avoid trying anything new, and other chapters where all you want to do is try new things—during those, anything that seems like something you’ve done before bores and galls you to the point where you can’t be bothered. We don’t expect you to know how you’ll feel in a month, and whether you’ll be excited or petrified about the prospect of a new challenge. However, can you please let us know how you’d feel about it this week?



Aries (March 21-April 19)

You might feel a bit unpopular this week, but you’re not. Au contraire—people are looking for you everywhere but where you are. You’re a hard one to keep track of at times, and most of the people trying to get a piece of you will be just playing catch-up, all without you even knowing it. Don’t be bitter. You’re loved. It’s just that the people who love you can’t always quite keep up. Accept that they’re five steps behind you and likely to stay that way for now. Try to feel their love anyway. Alternatively, you could just slow down, but really, once you think about it—what’s the point?



Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Let your current issues with someone be water under the bridge. That’s certainly not fair to you, as those who’ve wronged you ought to suffer consequences for their actions, and you deserve a right to speak your mind. But I suggest letting it all go, nevertheless, fair or not. The problem here is that if you get your say, and they get their comeuppances, this situation will actually worsen. In other words, your misery will continue and be compounded. Biting your tongue now, and forgiving and forgetting, will ultimately be a small price to pay for the peace of mind that would otherwise elude you.



Gemini (May 21-June 20)


Spell it out. Whether it’s love or hate, praise or criticism, whatever you’re trying to express won’t be clear unless you forget subtlety altogether and just make it as obvious as possible. If you insist on tact and diplomacy here, or simply trust someone to be able to read between the lines, you’ll end up feeling frustrated, because they can’t (or won’t). I know you like being clever, and prefer to assume that people are intelligent enough to grasp a concept without being beat over the head with it, but in this case that’s too much to expect. Whip out your club and start knocking skulls with it.



Cancer (June 21-July 22)

It’s good to have general rules and guidelines but please remember that adhering to them slavishly will only result in a merely satisfactory experience. The best aspects of life exist just outside of the boundaries defined by the rules. That’s why they’re called exceptional. Breaking the rules is not only fun, it’s actually the only way to get to what (and who) you really want. Go ahead and stick to your general principles, most of the time—but make sure there’s at least a little window in your life for the exceptional to shine through, and perhaps even climb in.



Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

It’s time once again to acknowledge, thank, and lavish adoration (as only you can) upon those who support you. I know you like to think of yourself as independent, self-sufficient, and the rock upon which everyone else depends, but quite often the opposite is true; you’re supported in many ways by the people around you. Sometimes this isn’t so obvious, because they bite their tongues, let things slide, and just quietly fill in the gaps and clean up the messes you leave behind. I hope you’ve noticed them at least a little. This week, make sure you thank them, too.



Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Go ahead and share with everyone that song that’s stuck in your head. Go in after someone’s done something and do it better. While you’re at it, nag people for not adhering to the kind of discipline you insist upon for yourself. In other words, you might as well be as annoying as possible, because people are going to take whatever you’re up to this week in the worst possible way, regardless, and find reasons to be irritated by it. That’s right, you can’t win. What you can do, however, is find humor in all of it, and ultimately let it all roll off your back.



Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

There’s a difference between a little “harmless” flirtation and the kind of behavior that might lead to something, especially if that something is outside of the bounds of your current arrangement(s). Walking the line between the two is a dangerous proposition for you this week, because it’s likely to be a faint, hard-to-follow distinction. It’d be all too easy for you to end up on the wrong side of it. I know you hate to be a spoilsport and that it’s very hard for you to turn down the charm, but I suggest you rein that stuff in for the time being; the consequences otherwise are too steep a price to pay.



Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)


You’re sensitive enough to perceive and understand another’s emotional quandaries, even if you don’t respect or sympathize with them. In fact, you may even have contempt that they’re being such sad sacks about a situation that, for you, would be no big deal. You’re cut from a different cloth, though, and have a whole different (much less obvious) set of vulnerabilities. I suggest that even if you can’t exercise compassion for these hypersensitive freaks, you at least practice restraint, and leave them to their processing and fretting without adding a layer of scorn on top of their already overwhelming woes.



Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)


When you want to, you can get almost as much done in a day as any Virgo or Capricorn. The rest of the time, however, you’re a virtual paragon of low-key laziness, accomplishing less (with more enjoyment) than even the most under-motivated Taurus. Your problem, as I see it, is getting into the right mode at the right times, or knowing which is called for when. Sometimes there’s really nothing better to do than just enjoy life and play the grasshopper. Other times it’s more appropriate to be the worker ant and get shit done. This, my dear, is one of the latter weeks, when your marvelous laziness must be resisted. Go into high production mode, so you can maximize your downtime later.



Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

You’re good at compartmentalizing different aspects of your existence, and to some extent this is healthy. Smart Capricorns don’t bring their work home with them, for example. But you can take this too far, and be too rigid in defining the distinctions between different facets of your life. That’s not always a good thing, because a little thoughtful and careful mixing can enrich and enliven your existence. This week, if someone from one of the worlds you occupy expresses an interest in stepping across the line into another, at least consider inviting or helping them along.



Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Your problem is in not properly anticipating change. Consequently you’re unduly bitter when circumstances mutate, perhaps becoming less ideal than they were. Please remember: This is always going to happen. Keep that in mind this week. You may feel like you have it all (or at least a lot of it). Don’t be scared, but you won’t have all this forever. Some of it, at least, is going to go away, or become something you don’t want anymore. That’s not a reason to freak out, or fret. It’s quite simply cause to enjoy it as fully as you can right now, so when you lose it, you won’t feel like you missed out on anything.

Sign Language

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Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

If a song gets stuck in your head this week, don’t share it. Grit your teeth and keep the thing to yourself. You’re likely to get infected with persistent memes you just can’t get rid of right now, like tricky, antibiotic-resistant infections. It’ll take a tremendous effort of conscious will to keep from sharing this shit with the world, but please do that. Look at it this way: If you can quarantine this crap inside your own head, when it dies there it’s gone. If you spread it, though, even once you get rid of it, you won’t be safe. Sooner or later, it’ll come back around to haunt you again.



Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)


Stop being embarrassed by your desires. So you’re a guy who likes fat chicks, or you have a pie-in-the-face fetish, or you think wealth is sexier than six-pack abs. Own it. Sneaking around and indulging yourself only when no one else is looking is no way to live. Think about what a relief it’ll be to finally walk around with your large lady at your side, or stop scrambling to describe your lover’s better qualities when they’re all green and live in his wallet. You’re ready to own who and what you are, right? This week, show us.



Aries (March 21-April 19)

It’s so easy for you to take all the blessings in your life for granted—sometimes especially those you have no real right to. I’m not saying you shouldn’t enjoy the fruits of your good fortune; quite the opposite, actually. Do enjoy them, as fully as possible. Be grateful for them, and savor them. Sometimes you rush through stuff and barely notice it, which is more or less what you’ve been doing lately. When was the last time you simply stopped and really savored something wonderful? The next time you’re asked that question, I want the answer to be: “Five minutes ago.”



Taurus (April 20-May 20)

It’s astonishing to me that I have to remind and instruct Aries to take the time to enjoy the pleasures in their lives when you—the ultimate hedonists—live right next door. Your ability to savor your life’s delights is legendary. I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt when I ask why you haven’t been explicitly sharing them with everyone you know, and assume that it’s because you guessed they wouldn’t appreciate them. While it’s true few could squeeze out as much enjoyment from these things as you can, please share them anyway. They might not really know how to relish this stuff. That’s not a reason to deny them, though. It’s a reason to teach them.



Gemini (May 21-June 20)


You’re spending most of this week in line for an awesome rollercoaster. Most of the time you’ll be bored out of your skull, until suddenly everything will happen at once. Then the thrilling ride will grind to a halt and there’s nothing for it but to get back in line once again and wait. The insanity of your stop-and-go existence (with more stopping than going, these days) is probably perplexing to those around you. It’ll start to become confusing to you, too, after a few more rounds on the rollercoaster. At that point, though, don’t feel trapped. Exercise the option you’ll probably have forgotten about by then: get out of the line.



Cancer (June 21-July 22)

How are Pisces so relaxed, when they’re just as sensitive and perceptive as you are? Drugs, probably. It could also be a logistical thing. You conceive of a new worry and simply add it to your list, never doubting your own ability to get to fretting about it eventually. When a Pisces’ list gets too long, she crumples it up and throws it away, because she knows her own limitations. Your To-Fret-About list is too long, only you’re deluding yourself that you can get to it all. Can’t you find a reason to discard and forget about it, like your Pisces cousins? Never mind that your worrying won’t do any good. Accept that you don’t have enough time in the day and at least tear the damn thing in half.



Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Everything’s a trade-off. Eat that triple chocolate fudge cake and it’ll go straight to your ass. That’s just the way life is; we balance the good vs. the bad and we make decisions about whether or not dessert is worth the extra time we’ll have to put in at the gym (or fat we’ll have to look at in the mirror). Stop looking for the perfect deal. In fact, most of the deals this week are just sort of fair—no great bargains, but no huge rip-offs, either. If you wait for the amazing deal that’s likely never going to come, you’ll end up not getting anything at all.



Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

You’ve gotten so into the habit of giving good advice that you forgot to notice that some people stopped asking for it. In fact, that you keep giving it without prompting completely cancels the fact that it’s probably sage wisdom; they’re too busy being pissed off to notice. Shut your mouth, right now. Stop dishing out your two cents for a while. Don’t be bitter about it. Just hang tight and wait. See who asks for it, and of course give it to them. As for those who never speak up—well, they’re one less thing you have to worry about. Take that and run with it.



Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

As you age, you’re going to look and act more and more like your parents. That may thrill you or horrify you (probably the latter), but I hope you find a way to accept it gracefully. You’ll probably realize that in some cases they weren’t as deluded or unreasonable as you thought they were—either that, or you’ve become nearly as bad. Whatever the case, don’t dwell on your newfound perspective, but use it to wrangle some newfound appreciation for your parents from your sorry, ungrateful ass. They’re hardly perfect, but they’re better than you thought they were. Go tell them.



Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Some Scorpios say something is “water under the bridge,” but they don’t really mean it. They secretly harbor resentment, and express it in nasty, passive-aggressive ways. You may have guessed that this is not a good thing. But how to let this shit go? That, my dear, is the question of this week, this year, this lifetime. How do you forgive and forget—or, even if you can’t truly forget, how can you truly forgive? I assure you it’s possible, even for you stubborn Scorpions. This may not be something you can learn on your own. Find your most compassionate and laidback friend. Ask them for lessons. This week your homework is this: truly letting go of at least three wrongs you’ve been hanging onto for far too long. Don’t rest until you figure out how.



Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

There should be no surprises here. If there are things that shock you in this situation it’s only because you’ve deliberately blinded yourself to them and refused to acknowledge their reality. This is like when parents of a gay kid  go into denial about it. They know, but they just don’t want to know, and think they can retain plausible deniability as long as they’re not told about it. You think you can, too, but it’s hardly plausible in either case. Just open your damn eyes already. This is what it is. Nothing you can do will change that. You can, however, finally accept it. This week, please do that.



Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Get your own house in order before you try to set someone else’s straight. There’s a reason psychiatrists are supposed to receive mental therapy as well as give it; you can’t help other people if your own head is all kinds of screwed up. That doesn’t mean things need to be perfect before you’re able to lend a hand to someone who’s worse off than you. But a degree of stability is desirable—one slightly higher than what you’ve got now. This week is work-on-your-foundation week. If someone else is raising a barn, they’re going to have to do it without you.

Sign Language

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Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Because you’re gifted with a keen sense of fairness, it especially hurts when you get shafted, particularly if it’s because of stupidity or shortsightedness. It’s likely to be very hard for you to forgive or forget this shit, even if there’s some effort made to make things right, but nevertheless that’s what you’ve got to do. Some people are petty, and unless you act grateful for the effort they made to correct their own screw-ups, they’re not likely to bother next time. It goes without saying that this would be a bad thing, since these people are likely to mess up again (and again).



Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

This week you’re likely to wake up with sore muscles in unusual places. Whether that’s because you helped someone move, or experimented with a few new positions in bed, it’s tangible evidence that you’re willing to go beyond the routine. Use it as a reminder to push yourself even further. There’s a lot of room for expansion right now on all fronts, but it requires a bit of stretching and pushing on your part. Imagine if you could add a new room to your apartment just by shoving the walls back. Right now—metaphorically, at least—you can.



Aries (March 21-April 19)


When you discover someone’s been spraying bullshit at your face, you’re likely to react in one of two ways: explosive anger or a lust for cold, calculated revenge. Either response would be a mistake right now. What you need to do is defuse the situation, not escalate it. Being pissy or vengeful would only seal the situation in cement. I don’t know how you can get the liar to start telling you the truth, but I do know that that—rather than getting back at him or her—needs to be at the top of this week’s agenda.



Taurus (April 20-May 20)

There’s a golden opportunity here that you’re missing, and it’s not because you’re not looking for it. It’s probably because you’re virtually incapable of seeing it. You’re essentially colorblind in this situation, and this message is written in red letters on a field of green. You need to have someone else point it out to you, which—because of the less than gracious way you’ve occasionally received unsolicited advice before—you’ll need to specifically ask for. Asking for help has never been your forte. However, I hope you get over your resistance to it. Doing so could be very lucrative.



Gemini (May 21-June 20)

You could walk around the car you’re thinking of buying, kicking the tires and pretending you know what the hell you’re looking at. But that, my dear, would be quite stupid. People who do know what they’re doing can see through pretenders without trying. You need to recognize your own shortcomings and find some way to compensate for them—bring along your auto-obsessed buddy, for example. Don’t bumble around blindly this week, feigning expertise (which is more likely to get you ripped off than an outright admission of ignorance would). Figure out who can compensate for the holes in your knowledge, and ask for their aid.



Cancer (June 21-July 22)

You just couldn’t stay away could you? Even after you decided that you were done with so-and-so or such-and-such once and for all, you found yourself called back. It’s even more embarrassing because of your dramatic declaration that you were through with the situation forever—anyone who spots you now will judge you not only weak-willed, but a drama queen, besides. What, though, are you going to do? This time, you may have to simply slink back into the situation you declared you were finished with and eat the sardonic comments about the stink you made when you left. Next time, though, you might remember that how you feel today isn’t always the way you’ll feel tomorrow, and wait before you tell everyone about the new status quo, at least until you’re sure it will stick.



Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

You have trouble with recycling, not because you hate the environment, but because dealing with petty details like sorting your trash is so not your style. This goes for emotional garbage as well as the real life stuff. Unfortunately, there’s a lot you need to get rid of that could conceivably be put to brilliant constructive use, instead of piling up in some mental landfill of things you’ll try to never think about again. Instead of hiring someone, you’ll simply have to roll up your sleeves and get down to this distasteful task on your own.





Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)


Bedbugs are back. They’re infesting America, living in couch cushions, between sheets and hitching rides to new homes on people’s pants cuffs. This is the kind of thing likely to fill some Virgos with panic, but I hope you can stay calm. Bedbugs are as hard to keep out of your life as unwanted ideas. You can certainly practice caution, but worrying won’t do you a whit of good when faced with invasion by physical or mental pests. May I suggest a well-exercised sense of humor instead? It’ll serve you better in either scenario.



Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Stop punishing yourself. You may claim you haven’t been, but that’s only because you’re not obvious about it. You’re more likely to torture yourself in subtle, only semi-conscious ways, ways you might not even notice until you’ve been practicing them so long they’ve become hard-to-break habits. How insidious! Whether or not you ever deserved the chastisement you’re giving yourself, you’ve certainly “done your time” by now. You deserve a clean slate and a fresh start. Do what you have to do to give that to yourself—even if that means calling in outside help to identify and quell your devious means of self-torture.



Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

A house constructed of fieldstone and rough-hewn beams might not look as sturdy as one made of concrete and finished lumber, but it’s quite likely to be more than solid enough for your purposes, and have character, besides. Don’t be overly captivated by the new, the flashy, and the perfect. The rough edges are more interesting and have likely already withstood quite a bit of abuse. Where do you want to live, after all? In the standard prefab bullshit everyone else is occupying? Is that really your style? I can’t imagine you’d find it more comfortable, ultimately, than the unconventional, unique, imperfect, scrappy place off the beaten path. When it comes to choosing between the two this week, keep that in mind.



Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)


Don’t be lazy. Filleting that fish might be tedious, messy work, but it’s better to be slow and careful than to let someone choke on a fish bone because you couldn’t be bothered to do the job properly. You’re in a position to benefit many people (who won’t bother to thank you, I’m afraid) by doing your job correctly and well, or to screw over many more, by slacking off. The people whose lives you inconvenience or derail, by the way, won’t have any problem calling you out on your sloppiness, even if they wouldn’t have bothered expressing their gratitude for a job well done. In other words, stay sharp. Being great may not net you appreciation, but it will certainly spare you grief.



Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

You’re the zodiac’s most reasonable, cool-headed and rational people—except when you’re not. Very occasionally (usually in regards to love), you go off the deep end and become what can only be called obsessive. Surely you realize that your maniacal, stalker-like behavior will only terrify people, but sometimes it seems impossible to stop yourself, or you rationalize that it’s not as bad as it seems. I hope you recognize that there are times when your usual clearheaded perspective becomes way too skewed to be trusted, and you get someone you have faith in (and who has some sway over what you actually do) to give you the reality check you desperately need.

Sign Language

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Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Don’t invest too much meaning into what are almost certainly random coincidences. I’m quite fond of drawing connections between things that seem to be related, and reading between the lines of regular life. But sometimes shit happens just because it happens, and it doesn’t mean anything in particular. Making a big deal out of it, or changing your course because of it, would be silly. This week, it’s also likely to irritate people, and get you started on such a wrong path it’s ridiculous. Just let stuff play out and write it off as more or less completely random. It is.



Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Carrying around this idea is much like being pregnant. You may feel heavy and cumbersome. It might limit your activities. But you ultimately want to bear this burden and have it blossom, eventually, into something with a life of its own. Be patient and nurturing with yourself, and remember that at some point you’ll have “given birth” to the project you’re growing—and then you can get back to your old tricks. Trying to participate in those shenanigans now would be an embarrassing disaster. Example: People are titillated when a hot 20-something drunkenly flashes her breasts at a party. A heavily pregnant woman doing the same thing gets a totally different response. Keep that in mind and wait for the right time. This isn’t it.



Aries (March 21-April 19)

You can’t get off the treadmill this week. No matter how fast you go, you won’t get anywhere. Trying harder will only make you more tired. This is only partially a trick of your perception. In some ways, your destination is receding nearly as quickly as you run towards it. Chill out. Don’t stop moving, but slow down to a pace you can maintain for a long time. Eventually someone will unplug the treadmill and you’ll close on your target so fast your head will spin. It just might take a while before that happens. Make sure you haven’t fallen off the thing before then., keep walking, and try not to fall off the path before then.



Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Spoil yourself. I’ve been astonished recently by your capacity for self-deprivation. You’ve probably had good reason to deny yourself some of the things you want, but let’s not get carried away here. There’s no need to endure a truly Spartan lifestyle, which is especially brutal for you luxury-loving Bulls. Keep up the discipline, for the most part, if it continues to be justified, but allow yourself one splash-out this week; nothing that will break the bank, of course, just a little taste of pleasure to savor and help you get through these self-imposed lean times—or you won’t.



Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Watch the ego. You’ve done something you can and should be proud of. But don’t get carried away. This was a good thing, but it wasn’t all that. You haven’t saved the world (yet). You need to be humble and focused right now, and use this success as a springboard to even better things. Consider this just a start, not the end goal, even if this was as far as you originally planned to get. It’s time to (intelligently) expand upon those original dreams, and when people congratulate you on your recent successes, thank them, then tell them how they can help you do the next great thing on your agenda.



Cancer (June 21-July 22)

As tempting as it may be to brag and share the kudos you’ve received with other folks you know, keep them to yourself. Consider them a private treat to savor alone, since others won’t like their flavor nearly as much. You’re great. The people who need to know that already do. The ones who haven’t figured that out yet aren’t going to learn better by finding out what you’ve just accomplished or about the praise and recognition you received for it—at least not if you share it with them. Keep quiet. If and when they do figure out how awesome you are, the fact that you were modest about it will only impress them all the more.



Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Darling, bite your tongue. There’s a bee in your panties this week and it’s likely to make you bitchy. People who usually just mildly irritate you will have you grinding your teeth. Please resist the urge to let them know. Trust that whatever issues you’re dealing with this week might not be issues in another week or two, and you’ll be embarrassed later if you make a big deal about them now. It’s not worth the fallout and drama, which would haunt you for months after this week’s annoying bee sting is just a memory.



Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Control yourself or you’re likely to make things worse. If you get hurt, that’s the time to nurture yourself, not freak out and suffer a far worse injury. That would be like stubbing your toe, then punching the wall to cope with the pain in your foot. I don’t want you to suffer the emotional equivalent of breaking three fingers just because you couldn’t keep your feelings a little bit in check, especially when the initial “injury” is one you’d recover from quickly under normal circumstances. Take a deep breath and a few steps back, and wait it out.



Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)


By lighting a thousand candles and waiting for your lover to come home you could be setting yourself up for a very romantic evening—or a visit from the fire department. Most of your schemes are walking this kind of line at the moment; if they go well, they’ll be lovely, but the potential for them to go seriously awry is very high. I’m not a fan of second-guessing yourself, or over-thinking things, but trying to critically poke holes in your ideas might simply be in your best interest right now, since many are fundamentally flawed. You want to prevent disasters, right? Unfortunately, questioning your own impulses right now is the way to go.



Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Everyone knows Cancers and Pisces are sensitive; they wear their hearts on their sleeves. Your own emotional vulnerability is much less obvious. You make a point of not letting people know how much they affect you, thus they’re not as careful with your feelings as they probably ought to be. This week your tender emotions are in peril. You could, of course, run like hell. That would work, but it would also unravel much of your recent efforts. Or you could simply admit to what you want and how you feel. Even if that seems unthinkable, think about it. It’s easier than you think, and it’s your best option, besides.



Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Take off your metaphorical dark sunglasses. While it may seem that you’ve walked into a sinister chapter of life, it’s just your perspective, not the reality of the situation, that makes it seem so grim. Things aren’t actually that bad. You can make anything look like a potential disaster, if you view it from the wrong angle in bad light. You’re usually such an unshakeable optimist that you might not have noticed when you crossed over to the dark side and started viewing everything so negatively. Since you’re not literally wearing sunglasses, it might be hard to shed them (it probably involves eliminating something (or someone) that might be unduly coloring your view). Nevertheless, since you’re useless while wearing them, please don’t rest until you figure out how to take them off..



Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

You can only use that tired excuse so many times before it stops working (and becomes boring). There comes a time when you either need to come up with a new and better one, or finally admit that you just plain don’t want to do whatever it is you’re avoiding, or look into why you’re making excuses in the first place. This week, my dear, is that time. Will you please finally admit to your true feelings about the situation, and act on them, rather than basing your behavior on how you think you should feel? And if your excuses have been genuine, and not reflecting your true desires, it’s time to eliminate them. No more excuses. Only heartfelt action will cut it, now

Sign Language

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Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

It’s probably hard to tell whether the stars are lining up for you, or if it just seems that way. You wish I’d tell you whether or not to make that big, bold move, the one you think will only work if all the random elements happen to go your way. However, you shouldn’t be waiting for an astrological go-ahead to play a serious game. You should try to hit a home run every time you step up to bat, not just when the winds are blowing in the right direction and the crowd is chanting your favorite cheer. The odds are what you make them, and the level of your determination will decide whether or not you succeed this time, not random chance or astrological fortune.



Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Pisces can range from wildly high-maintenance to so low-maintenance they’re virtually invisible, often in the same day. What freaks most people out (besides the shocking incongruities you regularly embody) is that they can’t understand how you went from point A, where everything had to be just so or you were going to lose it, to point B, where everything is hunky-dory just the way it is. This week, even if you can’t make the transitions less jarring, could you at least try to explain them to the people who are zigzagging madly just to keep up?



Aries (March 21-April 19)

Anything can be a source of spiritual fulfillment, if you approach it from the right direction and travel deeply enough into it. Some things lend themselves more easily than others to enlightenment, I’d wager, but I’ll also contend that there is no one true path, nor even a finite number of true paths. It could be difficult to make a profound, soulful practice out of shopping at the mall, but I’m certain it’s possible, should you choose. Don’t try to conform to someone else’s path unless it really speaks to you. Instead, really focus on forging your own. You know where you’re going, right? So stop worrying about the precise route it takes to get there.



Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Once, the more wealth, status, or power you had, the closer you lived to the royal palace. Each echelon of economic status huddled around the next one above it, so you could visually see someone’s place in society by where they lived. Feeling royal, Taurus? People aren’t likely to move their houses and restructure their lives to revolve around you, but they may move ever so subtly in that direction this week. Don’t let your unasked-for virtual nobility go to your head, though. Tyranny won’t get you far. Benevolence, fair-mindedness, and generosity are, naturally, the orders of the day.



Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Don’t judge. You can’t afford it. Everyone’s a critic, it seems—except you, right now. Your job this week is to let things slide, to bite your tongue and bide your time. There are more than enough critics around, and adding your voice to the mix isn’t likely to generate any significant change, besides pissing off your fellow critics (“What? We didn’t say it right the first time?”) as well as those you’re criticizing (“I know, I know! Quit nagging me!”). I envy you; letting go of your judgments—or at least not expressing them—may not be easy, but if you get the hang of it, it sure is fun.



Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Go give blood. Find unusual ways to share parts of yourself with others. With this week’s Full Moon in Leo, some of your worst qualities may be coming out in force, especially your occasional tendency to be bossy or selfish. The only way to counteract them is to also consciously embody some of Leo’s more redeeming traits, especially their warm generosity. You’re already naturally generous to those you love, so this week focus on ways to be openhanded to people you don’t know, and finding new ways to help those you do.



Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

When things are good, being a Leo rocks. People lavish you with adoration and attention. You respond by being the generous, radiant superstar they expect. When things suck, it’s less fun; without the validation of all that attention, acting like a superstar—generous or otherwise—just makes you seem like an egotistical moron. Don’t you wish there was some way to pocket some of the overflowing brilliance of the good times, so you could let it out during the bad ones? There is. Since this week’s likely to rock, see if you can figure out how to bank some of its delicious goodness for use at a later, less fortunate date.



Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Don’t let your cleverness be a sticking point. In other words, don’t rub people’s faces in it. They’ll notice it eventually. If someone misses a brilliant joke of yours, don’t repeat it until they acknowledge it. Let it pass unremarked. There’s more where that come from. It’s not often that your ego gets the best of you, but this is one week where it might do just that. Trust that people will ultimately get a handle on who you really are: a modest, smart, and extremely good person. If they don’t get that right away, don’t go out of your way to try to prove it to them; that’s likely to have exactly the opposite effect.



Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Just shut up. I mean that in the kindest way possible. This week you may have a tendency towards long-windedness, without even noticing. If you’d like to make a good first impression, the less you say, the better. That might feel taciturn and rude, but it probably won’t come off that way—people will tend to interpret your relative silence to mean you’re self-effacing, intelligent, and a good listener. If you blather on, you won’t get the benefit of the doubt all that often; in fact, people will assume you’re a pompous windbag. Neither extreme is especially justified, based on the information given, but if they’re going to go one way or the other, wouldn’t the former be the better way to go?



Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

At a party recently, a Scorpio friend of mine and I were cornered by a notorious name-dropper. My sting-wielding friend shut her down by calling over another acquaintance we know who’s unduly impressed with celebrity. “Sharon,” Scorp said, “This is Bill. Bill loves dropping names, too! You two should get along famously. Ciao!” Tact, I learned, is for the weak. Calling it like you see it is totally the way to go. Don’t forget compassion as you share the unadulterated truth with people who need to hear it, but don’t let it stop you from imparting important information that people need to hear. They’ll never thank you for it—but the rest of us will.



Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Leave scorn off the menu, whatever else you decide to bring to dinner. People are likely to be especially sensitive to what you think of them this week, so be at your kindest and most generous, and be willing to give people every benefit of the doubt. There are enough sharp-tongued people shooting others down when they disapprove right now; adding your voice to the mix could push some folks over the edge. That’s not say you’re not entitled to your own honest opinion; I would simply suggest being careful and caring if and when you express it.



Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

You probably feel slightly abandoned and left out in the cold. That’s because you have been, but don’t take it too hard. It’s not that you don’t have supporters, it’s that they’ve dropped the ball on rallying to your aid. They will, eventually, and when they do, don’t be bitter and reject their help just because it didn’t come when you could have used it most. They’re likely to have good excuses for not being around when you most needed them. Adopt a better-late-than-never attitude and thank them instead, or next time it will be never rather than late.

Sign Language

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Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Things have gotten much too complicated to bother with anymore, haven’t they? Why not just throw your hands in the air, let it go, and walk away? Screw that. Let’s not forget the fact that this situation won’t disappear that easily. Let’s also recall that a while back you decided (correctly) that the path you’re on is the right one for you, even if it’s hard. Luckily, there’s a way to look at all of this that will allow you to move forward without feeling knotted in a hopeless tangle of complications. It might require a dramatic shift in perspective. However, I reckon that even if getting a better angle on the situation is difficult, it’d still be easier  and more desirable than escaping it.



Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

You prefer being consistent in certain ways (and wildly unpredictable in others). However, it’s not in the stars for you to be a paragon of reliability this week. There are too many extraneous factors for you to keep track or control of. Do your best, but don’t be too hard on yourself when you have to make exceptions to what are normally hard and fast rules. Your rep as a dependable rock (though one prone to occasional exciting earthquakes and explosions) may suffer ever so slightly, but never fear; you’ll have many chances to repair it in February.



Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

You have a fascinating relationship to change. Sometimes you play the catalyst of revolution, and surf tsunamis of turbulent transformation with gleeful abandon. Other times you sense the tide turning and you run for the hills, strapping on the status quo like a pair of swim floaties. No one—least of all me—can accurately predict how you’ll react to the choppy waters of change. However, you could do us a favor and clue us in to what you’ll do this time around—especially those who actually share your day-to-day life. A warning or assurance regarding which way you’ll sail when the winds shift would be mighty nice right about now.



Aries (March 21-April 19)

A week into 2008 and you’re already disappointed. I get it. You thought things would be different by now, but let’s face it: although you made some effort, you didn’t work that hard to manifest change in your life. However, it’s not too late. If you get your ass in gear right now, January won’t be a total wash. I mean today. Wait another day and you might as well wait a month, or a year, or ten years. When is it that you’ll actually move forward with your plans? How long have you already waited? Only you can decide how much longer you’ll keep waiting. If it were up to me, you’d have put your plan into action yesterday.



Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Relax. As much as you can, just chill out. I know you like to be prepared, but some things you simply can’t practice ahead of time. You just have to do the best you can, the first and only time they happen. There are milestones like this throughout your life—losing your virginity, having a baby, and, eventually, dying. Stop angsting about them. You can’t effectively anticipate or practice these things. You just have to roll with them whenever they occur. You’ve done all the prepwork you can for whatever’s on the horizon. Now you just have to wait for it to happen, and try not to have a nervous breakdown in the meantime. Go take a bath. You’ll be fine.



Gemini (May 21-June 20)

You’re definitely over-thinking things. (What else is new?) Instead of endlessly fretting about and planning around a hopelessly complex “what if” scenario (that hasn’t even happened yet, mind you), relax. Assume everything will play out as simply as it possibly could, even if that seems highly unlikely to you. Prepare for that, no more. Even if it doesn’t work out that painlessly, your improvisations at the time will be far more elegant and successful than whatever painstaking measures you may have taken beforehand. Keep it simple; it’s easier, less stressful, and it’ll work better.



Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Hey, could I have five bucks? No? Fine. Just don’t get pissed off that I asked, since you’ll likely be hit up for a lot this week, by friends and strangers. Many people have no qualms about asking for shit they have no right to, or deluding themselves that it’s theirs by right. You know better, but don’t hate them for not being as smart as you. You learned your lesson by stepping over lines and having your wrist slapped (or occasionally worse). See if you can gently pass along the same wisdom this week.



Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)


Stop saying no to stuff. Having clearly defined boundaries is great, but you’ve been defending them rather habitually of late, and rather too zealously. Try to be more flexible. It’s nice to bend the rules for those you love. The next time someone asks you for something that’s over a line you’ve drawn, don’t say, “No,” automatically. Consider what it would cost you to make this one small concession. I think you’ll find the price is one that’s very easy to bear, and the potential rewards too great to pass up.



Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Just when I think you’ve gotten over the worrying habit, you come up with some preposterous new anxiety to fret about. Fine. What you do inside your own head is your own business, naturally. However, once you start letting it dictate your actions, it’s time for an intervention. Hopefully your friends are inviting you over for one right now, but just in case they’re not, I’ll do my best from here. Some of the measures you’re taking are as outlandish as refusing to drink water because you’re afraid of drowning. Stop that shit. Drink the damn water, and quit curbing your actions based on irrational fears.



Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)


Do you live in terror of germs? Probably not. You’ve found that reasonable caution (washing your hands once in a while, using condoms, etc) will do for the most part to keep you safe. Your healthy attitude regarding bacteria and viruses is laudable, but it makes me even more surprised by your extreme paranoia regarding something even smaller and harder to pin down (or inoculate yourself against) than germs: ideas. There’s only so much you can (or should) do to protect yourself against those. If, after all, your own philosophies deteriorate when presented with somebody else’s viewpoint, perhaps it wasn’t that solid to begin with. Rather than trying to protect weak, crumbling foundations from the erosive forces of critical thought, perhaps you should think about building them anew, on more solid ground.



Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Can you be part of a team, Scorpio? Usually, you prefer to play the loner and do your own thing. That strategy doesn’t work so well when forced to join a group, though. Even if you contribute your all, you have to be careful; if people think that whatever you’re doing makes them look like lazy slobs, they won’t thank you for it, even if it makes the group more successful overall. I’m not suggesting you gimp yourself in order to make your sorry collaborators look better, but this week please see how you can give a lot to the group without taking anything away from them, especially not their pride.



Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)


To most people you’re a Doer, not a Dreamer. You and I know the truth, though. When it comes to implementing bold plans that don’t require anything more from you than hopping on a plane or into bed with someone, you’re ace. Things that require more time, commitment, patience, and consistency, however, tend to get put on the backburner forever. We both know what I’m talking about—the unwritten screenplays, abandoned workout regimes, undelivered proposals, and so on. Darling, the back burner has so many things on it by now that it can’t possibly keep even half of them warm. It’s time to pull at least one of those long-delayed projects to the forefront and at last, finally make it happen.

Sign Language

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Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Some rules are made to be bent or broken—but only by experts. No rule is sacrosanct; if you’re good enough, you can swim against the current and still end up getting farther faster than those who choose to go with the flow. This requires insane amounts of cunning, charm, and self-knowledge, as well as the will to knowingly break the rules. You’ve got all that. This week’s a good week to exercise it, should you choose to. You’ll probably get to your destination either way—but this way will be quicker, and a whole lot more fun.



Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

You don’t need your cup of coffee in the morning, no matter how often you claim it’s so. Yes, it greatly facilitates you having a great morning but the truth is you could go without it (albeit miserably) if you had to, just as you could also suffer through not having most of the other things you profess to require. What do you truly need? Aren’t your other supposed necessities just strong preferences? At least one thing you actually can’t survive without, you regard (bizarrely) as an unnecessary frill, and at least five of the things you think you can’t live without aren’t even that good for you. This is a good week to figure out just what’s what and change your priorities accordingly.



Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

I recently went to a sex machine museum, whose exhibits ranged from charmingly titillating (an adorable hand-cranked vibrator) to extremely grotesque (dildos so shockingly large they could also be found in a museum of torture devices). In other words, you’re not as weird as you think, whether we’re talking about your sexuality or any of your other qualities. There’s always someone stranger than you, and everyone else is odder than you know. Proudly own what you are. Don’t bother shamefully hiding your dildo; your neighbor’s got a bigger one, and anyway, nobody cares.



Aries (March 21-April 19)

Rams suck at staying truly depressed. Provided you haven’t done something ridiculously dramatic (like killing yourself), you usually bounce out of your misery swiftly. You’re simply not heavy enough to get stuck in the muck for long. There will be many more swamps of sorrows to slog through after this one. Don’t worry—you’ll get through them just like you’ll get through this one: by staying calm and being patient. As long as you don’t struggle so much that you sink in over your head, you’ll be back on solid ground before you know it.



Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Consider ignorance; it might just be the better option. If you don’t get where I’m coming from, here’s an example: city dwellers rarely know much about their neighbors. They’ll spend years less than 10 feet from another person and still know virtually nothing about them, because of that thin wall separating them. I believe this lack of knowledge helps make the wall feel a little thicker, and helps a flimsy, crappy, overpriced apartment feel like a safe haven. In this case, too, not knowing might help you feel better. Since finding out the truth won’t help you in any way, shape, or form, I ask you: why bother?



Gemini (May 21-June 20)

I generally dislike gimmicks but sometimes they’re simply the easiest, fastest, and (most importantly) most effective way to achieve your goal; in this case, getting someone’s attention. Sure, you could put in the time, and hope that eventually they’ll notice you for your quiet, upstanding qualities, subtle sense of humor, etc. That might work out for you. But let’s be real here: it probably won’t, at least not on any tolerable time table. I’m not talking about donning a clown nose or a funny hat (though I wouldn’t rule out those options). Still, using something flashy to draw someone’s attention to your finer qualities might not be a bad idea.



Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Your self-image as righteous warrior has become a bit tarnished. You raced to war with passion in your heart and what you thought was impregnable emotional armor, and discovered that your passion was misguided and your protective shell more fragile than you believed. Now, you’re understandably hesistant to storm into battle again. What if, after all, you’re wrong this time, too? What if your armor falls to pieces? I sympathize with and understand your concerns, but I’m here to dismiss them: you’re not wrong and your armor will hold. Now go fight the good fight.



Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Want a little bitter with your sweet? No? Tough shit. If I were you, I’d get used to the taste. You’ll probably never love it (unless you’re unusually masochistic), but you could still learn to appreciate how it makes the sweet stuff that much more delicious. Take your bitter pill this week and remember to keep eating afterwards; dessert will be served. You’ll find the bad taste becomes not so bad, after a while, and you won’t dread it so much. And please, don’t forget to savor every drop of sweetness that comes your way. That, after all, is what this is all about.



Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Don’t be a seeing eye dog. It’s lovely that you can really be there for someone, and help them in a way you’re uniquely qualified for. But I despise how you’ll sublimate your own desires in order to fulfill someone else’s needs. Even seeing eye dogs get time off to play and just be dogs. When’s your time to play? You don’t need to cut off the leash and go chase balls in traffic—that’s as dangerous for a Virgo as any golden retriever. But you ought to have enough slack in the ties that bind you that you can run and play when you need to without getting your nose slapped with a rolled-up newspaper. In fact, if you’re not getting a cookie and a hug when you come back to do your duty, you’re getting ripped off.



Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)


Neglect is a kind of abuse too, and Libras are more likely to suffer it than any other sign. That’s mostly because you’re so adaptable, polite, and sensitive to others’ needs—often at the expense of your own. This isn’t necessarily about being a squeaky wheel (though it would be good if you could learn that raising hell is just what’s necessary sometimes), but about creating balance, something you’re supposed to be good at. Where’s the balance in this situation? You give a lot and get essentially ignored in return? Bullshit, and staying in the situation just because you’ve already been in it this long is even more and stinkier bullshit. Call shenanigans on the whole situation and demand that it be fixed, or get out altogether.



Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

You might want to humor that little gnat buzzing in your ear. We both know that you’d have no problem bowling over this childish and almost laughable opposition, but I ask you: what’s the point, really? Pick your battles. That means perhaps choosing to lose some just because it will smooth things out in the long run, make someone else feel good about themselves, or just because in this case it really doesn’t matter either way. You have the luxury of the superior position here. That should inspire kindness, not sadism. If it doesn’t, get yourself to a therapist and figure out why not.



Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)


Tell your truth. All of it, without compromise. Revealing only facets of your story will probably be disastrous; expressing every last bit could work miracles. This is the time to let it all hang out, under fluorescent lights, the good with the bad. Shyness has to stay the hell out of the way; that boat has sailed. If you try to hide anything, people will always imagine that whatever you’re concealing is far worse than it actually is. Own it all, and take the risk of showing it all to someone else. Your “bad” stuff isn’t as bad as you think; those you let see it might even surprise you by considering it beautiful.

Sign Language

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Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Cancers may be frequently inflexible sticks-in-the-mud, but you Capricorns are 50 percent more intractable. There’s nothing wrong with finding someone or something you like and sticking to it—as long as it works out. But what happens when whatever you’ve become attached or accustomed to simply isn’t available (like this week, for example)? Usually, you just hunker down and wait out the drought. May I suggest a better strategy? Seek out new potential habits. Usually, you’d have to sacrifice a known pleasure just to make space to experiment. This week, though, it’s risk-free, since you’re already missing out on your favorite routines; so you might as well spend that time developing new and better ones.


Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Things simply can’t always be good. You think you want everything to run smoothly and for everyone to be happy. But remember the times when that actually happened in the past? You still found reasons to be dissatisfied. Perhaps you even sabotaged the situation—probably subconsciously, but nevertheless, it was you who screwed it up. You need variety, and that means shittier times to contrast with the better ones. This week is liable to be at least slightly crappier than you’d like, but just remember: It’s not here to make you feel bad, but good about all the many weeks that are better.


Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Screw your self-destructive urges. Whenever you feel down, you’re inclined to turn towards crap that’ll just make life worse. “Why the hell not?” you figure, and it’s all on: smoking, heroin, living in squalor, unsafe sex, or unhealthy overindulgence in chocolate cake. I get it, but I heartily disagree. Since your life’s already shit, why not do all the crap you ought to do, but just don’t want to do? Deep clean your apartment. Go the gym. Eat healthy. Give it a try. I suspect you’ll drag your ass getting into it, but be skipping and smiling coming out.


Aries (March 21-April 19)
The brilliance of Alfonso Cuarón’s latest film, Children of Men, which is set in the future, is that his version of the year 2027 is eminently recognizable as something very much like today, only more extreme. It’s frightening to consider the future we’re setting up for ourselves, and to imagine how today’s problems will only multiply as time goes on. Your personal difficulties are something like those facing humanity and our society as a whole: they’re actually easier to solve today than they ever will be. Not that they’re easy now, but ignoring them won’t erase them. The longer you wait, the more complex and difficult to fix they’ll become.


Taurus (April 20-May 20)
To a young child, magic appears possible simply because they’re not quite sure how reality works. A friend of mine even imagined that he could somehow grow up to be Wonder Woman; that seemed perfectly viable to him. Gradually, as we grow up, adults teach us the concept of impossibility, roping off what’s available to us bit by bit. Eventually we call this limited perspective “being realistic.” That’s lame-ass crap. Realism is for losers. Everyone who’s ever done something amazing did it despite the fact that people told them it was impossible. This week, keep that in mind before you rope off every dream you (and those you love) ever had.


Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Cold weather’s a lot more pleasurable if you have someone to share it with. Instead of viewing it as a harsh time that limits your options, consider it a chance to indulge in pleasures unavailable to you during warmer seasons—cuddling under a quilt with someone sweet and a cup of cocoa would be a drag at the height of summer, but it’s ace now. Try it. In fact, try anything and everything that might transform the present moment from simply bearable to brilliant. If you don’t learn this trick, you’ll be just as unhappy come summer when it’ll be too damn hot and you’ll miss wearing your favorite sweater. 


Cancer (June 21-July 22)
As if the last couple weeks, with all that holiday business, weren’t stressful enough, now you’ll be hit with a whole new flavor of stress—and it’ll be one you’d rather didn’t exist, like pistachio-melon or bubble-gum walnut. Unfortunately, there’s no easy out here, so it’s grin-chew-swallow-grin all the way. It will get better, as long as you don’t spit it back in the faces of the idiots feeding it to you. It’s not like you’re about to acquire a taste for this brand of misery, you’re simply apt to get better at handling it. Yeah, it sucks that you’re being handed heaping platefuls of crap to eat, but the quicker you can choke it down, the quicker you can get to dessert—which will actually taste all the more fantastic for what you had to get through to get to it.


Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Everyone’s exploring new ways to commit to each other. Old-school marriages don’t often work because they involve (at least for most of our grandparents) an awful lot of lying, deceit and self-deception. These days, we all want to have our cake and eat it, too. We want honesty and openness, but that involves acknowledging that our actual desires rarely fit neatly into perfect relationship boxes—at least not for more than a few years. Sometimes, being each other’s perfect partners means being sexually open, or sharing intimacy with more than one other person, or otherwise stretching our preprogrammed ideas about what love and commitment really mean. Yours are badly in need of a stretch; they can’t even touch their toes anymore. This week, work on that—even if it hurts a little.


Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
You’ve been known to overdose on forgiveness, and I usually counsel you to cool it before you start doling out sixth and seventh chances. But this week, I rescind that general advice. Go hog wild, Mother Theresa. Extend forgiveness to anyone who honestly asks for it, whether it’s their second, fifth, or twenty-third chance. You’re allowed to be cynical, of course, and believe that you’re like to get burned again. In fact, acknowledging that likelihood makes your act of compassion all the more beautiful. It also gives that one person who’s really ready to try something new a chance to actually do it, and your blessing makes all the difference. Could you really withhold that? I sure hope not.


Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
You’re such a comfort to the people around you. How many times have you (figuratively) talked people down from the ledge, or dragged someone up from the dumpster behind your building? You’re a natural diplomat, comforter and shoulder to cry on. When, however, was the last time you allowed yourself to be rescued or otherwise reassured? You shouldn’t go out of your way this week to require consolation or rescue—but if you do happen to need someone to tell you that everything’s going to be OK, please, please ask for it, won’t you?


Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
I can usually trust a Scorpio to be relatively unmotivated by money. You might have a lot of other ulterior motives, but pure profit is usually pretty far down on your priority list. You can be trusted to ignore capital gain if it interferes with your principles or other desires. That’s why your actions of late have confused me, because they seem—at least on the surface—to be motivated by something akin to monetary gain, at the expense of much more valuable ideals. Is there something more to your recent actions? Or was it a momentary lapse in judgment? This week, fix whatever’s wrong: our perceptions or your actions.


Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Us non-Sags need help letting go. We’ve come to you because you’re as close to an expert on the subject as we’ve got. Surely, you have some amazing tricks up your sleeve in this department. We’re hopeless. Even when we know release is the only choice, sometimes we just keep hanging on. What should we do when desire overwhelms rationality? How do you let go when you really don’t want to? This week, you’re the teacher, imparting this crucial skill to those of us in need of it. What’s your secret? Clue us in, won’t you? 

Sign Language

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Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Surprise, surprise. One of those people who’s always opposed you has decided to speak up again this week to tell everyone how wrong you are. You’re used to this by now, so hopefully you’ll be able to defend yourself without getting huffy or petty. Making a good impression right now is an especially good idea because someone you’ve never teamed up with before is considering hopping over to your side of the fence. I don’t need to tell you what a great ally s/he’d be, but it might motivate you to know this: if you get him or her to come around, you’ll get everyone to come around.



Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

You’ve never been gung-ho for instant gratification (just find a Leo or Gemini if you need an expert on the topic), but you do fall prey to its charms occasionally. You’ve learned that there are often consequences that come with demanding what you want, now, and they’re only occasionally worth the satisfaction of having your whims granted. This week, beware the temptation to push too hard to get what you want as soon as possible. Letting things unfold at a more natural pace may take patience but is more likely to result in success. What’s more, if you allow events to happen that way, they’re also likely to come with at least one or two pleasant surprises.



Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

A friend of mine is taking some medicinal drug whose side effects often include intense, frequently unpleasant dreams. You, of all people, should know what he’s going through, since you often have these without the help of any pharmaceutical substance. His strategy for shaking them off as quickly as possible is to have a sense of humor about them. Follow his lead. Making things funny (even when they’re awful) is your best weapon this week against unpleasantness of all sorts, both inside your head and out in the world. Make jokes of everything that bothers you; the worse they are, the more you ought to make fun of them. Laugh long, laugh hard, and laugh often. It’s better than crying.



Aries (March 21-April 19)

It’s so easy to get distracted, I know. And all those distractions are such great fun, since whatever you’re supposed to be paying attention to really isn’t all that thrilling. It might even be a drag. However, toeing the line now will result in more excitement later than can be had from indulging even your wildest whims now, so it’s well worth it. In other words, put up with the drudgery of doing your job, whatever it may be, and wait until later to be whimsical and carefree, when you can afford to, and have a clear conscience, besides.



Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Misery loves company. In this case, someone else’s misery would love your company. Don’t go over to their dark side, though, no matter what tactics they use to get you to come there. You don’t need to sever your connection with whatever sad sack is trying (probably unwittingly) to drag you down, but you need to be sure to dig in your heels and resist being sucked in. Tugging them free of their doldrums might be an option, and is certainly worth a try, but don’t be too hard on yourself if it’s not possible. You may have to settle from waving to them from your side of the fence, where the grass is greener, and making sure they know they’re welcome to clamber over and come hang out.



Gemini (May 21-June 20)

You’ve worked hard to get to where you are. Let’s be realistic, though; most of your motivation has been mostly selfish; you did it to make yourself better off in some way. There’s nothing wrong with that, of course. However, here you are, and because of all that hard work, you’re in a position to help another—perhaps many others. It might not immediately occur to you, because it’s not exactly in line with your original intentions, but I hope you’ll consider doing it anyway—not because it’s the holidays, but just because it’s a really good thing to do.



Cancer (June 21-July 22)

In conflicts like the ones you’ll face this week, there is no right and wrong. Because of your loyal nature, you’re likely to see things in stark moral black and white, but in actuality all of this stuff is cast in shades of grey. You’re not exactly in the best position to mediate these kinds of fights, because of your strong personal opinions on the subject, but it would be brilliant if you could take yourself out of the equation as much as possible (since it has very little to do with you, anyway) and try to be an unbiased negotiator. If you can help both sides get along—or amicably agree to disagree—you’ll have done your job, and then some.



Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

You’re a creature of routine. Don’t deny it. Although you’re perfectly capable of rolling with surprises and breaking from your rhythms, secretly you’re quite attached to certain things you do every day, and miss them when you don’t have the chance to indulge in them. The holidays are full of fun but that’s mitigated somewhat by being away from your tried and true, reliable sources of comfort and joy. This week, try not to be too attached to your pleasurable old habits—though recreating some might be possible, finding new (and possibly better) ones is even more likely.



Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

On a long plane ride, blood pools in your feet, causing them to swell. If you can, it’s a good idea to get up and walk around periodically, or raise your feet a little. Your emotions can settle like that when unstirred for long periods, becoming sluggish and hard to cram into your shoes. Exercising them, too, so you can stay limber and open, is a good idea this week. How to do that? Crying and laughing (even at the same time) is a good warm-up, even if it takes a movie to get the tears flowing and the giggles jumpstarted. But don’t stop there. There’s plenty of tragedy and hilarity in your real life. Maybe now you’ll notice.



Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Remember that every gift has a dark side, including yours. Being able to see both sides of an argument means you’re a brilliant mediator, but it makes it difficult to take an unequivocal stand on anything that’s the least bit questionable. I’m sure you wish you never had to face another “it’s us or them” situation, but this week is likely to present you with one. Here, seeing the positive and negative aspects of both sides’ positions will make choosing one over another seem nearly impossible. However, neither party will allow you to abstain from this one. Quit begging everyone to “just get along,” pick the boat that seems least likely to sink, and hop on board.



Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

One of the things I like about you is your attitude: “I am what I am. Love it or leave it.” It’s clear and honest and open. But the truth is you’re not quite as badass as you make yourself out to be. There’s room for flexibility and compromise. You don’t need to bend yourself over backwards to accommodate someone, as your Libran neighbors might, but allowing a hint that other possibilities are even possible is a fantastic idea. Contortionist, you’re not. We know that already. But can you be a little bit flexible? Let’s see if you can touch your toes, or agree to give something new a try this week. That, at least, would be a start.



Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Things aren’t as dire as you think. Yes, you’re caught in the grip of a fast current with a potential lethal and certainly unavoidable waterfall up ahead. However, you have some time. You don’t need to grab at the first paddle or lifesaver thrown at you. You have a few minutes to pick and choose and consider your various options. They’re all better than your current situation, but one is probably a lot better than the others. Avoid having to go over the falls in a barrel or an inflatable raft. Head for the helicopter.

Sign Language

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Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

This week promises to be one of the busiest, astrologically, and the most dramatic, socially, this year. I see you quivering with dread, because if there’s one thing you’re not good at, it’s drama. There’s a part of you that already can’t wait for the holidays to be over with. However, the sooner you accept that you’re a key player in this week’s soap opera and that skipping out on the show is simply not an option, the better. One way or another, you’ll be dragged (probably kicking and screaming) onto set and forced to perform. Why not just accept (and, indeed, embrace) the role you’re stuck in, and do the best you can to deliver a brilliant, inspiring performance?



Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

You think your life’s hard? Bullshit. Get over yourself. Feeling sorry for yourself or moping of any kind is strictly forbidden this week, Aquarius. At the moment, your life is cake compared to most of the rest of ours. If it feels difficult, that’s because you’re just being way too wimpy about it. It’s big picture time, sweetheart. Recognize that almost everyone around you is worse off in some way than you are. They need your help, help you’ll only be able to give if you’re not immersed in your own Lite version of misery.



Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Watch in amazement as many of the people you know are thrown into the kind of inner and outer turmoil you’re already accustomed to in your day-to-day. This week you get to be the stable one that everyone clings to as they navigate all the confusion. You rock at surfing this kind of chaos—even if you feel hopeless inadequate, remember that it’s all relative; you’re still loads better than anyone else you know. Fish people out of the mess, wring out their sopping wet clothes, hand them a cup of hot cocoa, and tell them it’s going to be alright (as only you can, since you know). Someday, my dear, they’ll return the favor.



Aries (March 21-April 19)


Your inability to tell when your unique ideas are inspired or insane is both a strength and weakness, and one of the many things I love about you. However, there are times to ignore the naysayers, and times to take them seriously. This week, when folks you respect try to divert you from the path you’re on, don’t just bowl them over and tear on down the road anyway. Your destination will still be there in a month if you decide later that you do really need to go there. For now, forget about all that and let your friends sit you down and stuff you full of Christmas cookies and eggnog.



Taurus (April 20-May 20)

You’re stuck in a talent rut! Please recognize that there are good and bad times to exercise your gifts, and try to be more flexible about which ones you use when. Break your habits. Your green thumb, for instance is mostly wasted at this time of year; even the houseplants are sort of lackadaisical about it. Take a vacation from your most-used talents this week, since they’re hardly called-for, and revisit ones you’d nearly forgotten about, but which would be much more handy right now. The houseplants will survive without your most top-notch care, but some of the people in your life might wilt without it.



Gemini (May 21-June 20)


Don’t get carried away by your vivid imagination; this week it’s likely to take you preposterous places that’ll only make you crazy, by promising you riches you’ll never get, threatening you with disasters that’ll never happen, or both. You’re a kite in hurricane winds. You’d better be sure someone reliable and strong is hanging onto the string. Without that anchor, you’re worse than useless, likely to do a nose dive or get stuck in a tree. Who’s your rock? Be sure they know it. With their help you can soar; without it, you’ll only crash and burn.



Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Are you wondering why people are always pushing your buttons? It’s because you wear them on your forehead, silly, and they’re surrounded by blinking neon signs that say “Push me.” You’ve got to work on your poker face. When people know how to wind you up so easily, it’s very hard to resist doing exactly that. Don’t let someone know they’ve accidentally brushed up against one of your sore spots unless you’re absolutely certain they can resist the temptation to keep poking at it. Most people can’t, so if they land a lucky hit, get better at hiding it. If they never know how close they came to sinking your battleship, they won’t keep firing shots in that direction.



Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

You have a long history of being churned through the gossip mill as well as of buckling yourself into the epic rollercoaster of hopes and dreams. Both can be harrowing but fun rides, but only the latter will actually get you anywhere good. This week, resist the temptation to jump onto the high-speed merry-go-round of pettiness and drama. It won’t take you anywhere, and you’ll come off it without any change in your pockets, feeling queasy and sick-at-heart. The other ride’s just as likely to empty your pockets, and scare the shit out of you, but you’ll also feel inspired, and probably get right back in line to ride it again.



Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Don’t try to paddle backwards, just because you see rapids ahead. That’s actually the worst thing you can do. You’re in the grip of a current, and the most you’d accomplish by frantically trying to reverse direction is to hold your position for a little while, and exhaust yourself in the process, thereby making the imminent whitewater that much more harrowing and dangerous. No, what you should do when you glimpse the choppy, chaotic scene ahead is plunge immediately into it, since right now your energy and concentration are as high as they’re going to get. Waiting will only make the ride more dangerous. Marshal your courage, Virgo, and dive in—now.



Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

For some signs, doing something is as easy as deciding it. For a Leo, all she has to do to quit smoking is really decide to quit smoking. Unfortunately, for signs that have trouble making such unequivocal decisions (I’m looking at you, dear), taking action and committing to it can be a lot trickier. That, regrettably, is exactly what’s required of you this week: a quick decision that you can and will actually stick to. I know this isn’t your forte, but you’ve got to dig deep and figure it out, fast. Choosing and committing to your choice may be difficult, but it’s nothing compared to coping with what you’ll lose if you don’t.



Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Show your love more. Scorpios sometimes feel things so deeply that they’re scared to show them, and keep their emotions well hidden behind a façade usually composed of cynicism or sarcasm. But this week a heartfelt display of your actual feelings—with emphasis on the positive ones, of course—would serve you well. It might feel corny to you, but it’ll go over well. I want to see an exponential increase on hugs, affection, and declarations of love, pride, and loyalty this week. Ignore (or bask in) the shock and confusion you may cause; it’s all part of the plan.





Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Invest in your future. There’s nothing wrong with living in the moment, and you Archers are especially good at it. But there’s something to be said for planning ahead and setting yourself up for nice moments to live in later, especially when you’re gifted with an awesome opportunity to get a lot of return on your investment, be it money, time, energy, or emotion. This week ought to present you with just such a chance, and you should grab it and make the most of it. It’s really quite simple. Take this week to plan ahead and set yourself up nicely, or take many weeks later to just kick yourself for not doing it.

Sign Language

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Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

As you revisit half-forgotten haunts from your past, you’ll probably encounter pieces of yourself you thought you’d left behind forever. That’s part of the deal. Luckily, it’s not all bad, and neither are these old incarnations of you. Each of them has positives and negatives, and something to teach or remind you that will enhance who you are today. Try to welcome them like old friends and acquaintances, with as open a heart and mind as you can manage. Chances are, you’ll leave the whole experience feeling better about who you’ve become then you ever have.





Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Here’s your week: You’re cruising along the side roads, making steady progress, and finally you pull onto the highway—and your engine dies. At the very moment the road opens up before you, giving you the freedom to really cut loose, something’s likely to keep you from hitting the gas and speeding down it. Don’t get frustrated when gazing down that long, promising, inaccessible highway. Because this is likely to happen, I recommend picking up any sexy hitchhikers you might pass along the way—then at least you’ll have their company while stranded in limbo, which might make it not so bad.





Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Jump the gun. Though you’ve been patiently waiting for the starting pistol to go off before you run this race, it’s totally okay (and even wise) to get a head start when you can. This will help a lot when unforeseen (except by me) disasters, delays, and obstacles crop up. Get going now, even if it seems like you have more than enough time to finish this race twice over, so when shit happens, you’ll be so far ahead of the game you’ll manage to finish on time anyway. Anyone who’s got a clue will be seriously impressed.





Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Because you’re such complex, multifaceted creatures, many Pisces have trouble bringing all the different aspects of yourselves to the table when tackling any given task. This week is all about learning how to show up for the job with all the useful tools you have in hand, and leave the clown noses and dog collars at home until you actually need them. The most successful Pisces I know are able to change up a situation so that it will bring out the best in them. The sooner you can figure out what you need, and master how to manifest it, the sooner you’ll be able to bring all of yourself to everything you do.





Aries (March 21-April 19)

I know you hate this job, but this week you’re our official Bubble Burster. I think you despise doing this mostly because so many of your own hopes and dreams have been dashed over the years, and you know exactly how awful it feels. Use that experience to make you a kinder, gentler Shatterer of Dreams. Sometimes breaking down someone’s unrealistic expectations is actually the nicest thing you can do, since tearing those down will force them to build up some new, hopefully more achievable goals. Take heart. Those whose hopes you trample may despise you now, but they will love and thank you later.





Taurus (April 20-May 20)

This week’s mantra: It’s not your job to educate people. Sometimes that is your job, but I’m afraid in this case these dolts are too stupid to get it, no matter how simply you put it. You’ll just have to work around them. Dispassionately consider them as obstacles, and plan a route circumventing them that will still efficiently allow you to arrive at your destination. Sometimes it’s a good idea to put in the time to try to transform adversaries to allies. These guys, however, just aren’t worth it. They’re speed bumps and lamp posts, no more.





Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Be a jellyfish. Forget having a backbone or standing tall but instead be fluid, transparent, and apparently harmless. Remember that most jellyfish are venomous (some lethally so), despite their seeming helplessness and beauty. Being bold and righteous may make you feel powerful, but it’ll only needlessly make you a target. Chill out and act squishy and spineless. You might take a more circuitous route to get there, in the end, but eventually you’ll float gently to your destination without a problem. What’s more, you won’t feel like you had to work that hard for it; it’s likely to feel more like you’re coming back from a vacation.





Cancer (June 21-July 22)


When you ask advice, you usually already know what you want to do. You’re actually just seeking permission or validation. There’s nothing wrong with that, but it might not be the best strategy when your advisors don’t give you the advice you want. It’s good to listen to your friends’ counsel, but in this case your instincts are paramount. No one else can know what it’s like to be in your shoes. What seems right from their perspective just isn’t, from yours. You know what you want to do. Stop fishing around for reassurance and just do it.





Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

I advised your Gemini buddies to chill out and drift and appear helpless this week. I wish I could give you the same advice, but I’m afraid you suck at hiding your power, and you’re already too much of a target for that strategy, in any case. You might as well stand up and take the most direct approach you can think of. That, of course, is likely to make you even more of a target than before. Luckily for you, you’re a tough little Lion, and they probably won’t be able to do much more than slow you down (and perhaps wound your ego just a bit; that, too, however, should be sturdy enough to take it).





Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Bugs don’t get glass. They’ll hurl themselves against it until they die, trying to reach the sun they see. Sadly, I’ve seen humans act like this, too. They’ll hit an obstacle they don’t quite understand and they’ll try the same thing again and again trying to get through it or past it, confounded and confused when they always fail. I root for the bee trapped behind the glass, and hope she’ll try moving two feet to the left, where the open window will allow her egress. I’m rooting for you, too. I hope you’ll soon stop doing the same thing you’ve done a thousand times before, which has never worked except by accident, and instead try something completely different and new.





Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)


It’s all about love and hate this week. Basically it’s a simple equation: you’ve got to use what you love to get through what you hate. Without keeping all the people and things you adore firmly in mind the entire time, you might not have the fuel and wherewithal to do what you’ve got to do and finally get it over with. They’re the weight on the other side of the scale that will keep you from going completely out of whack and falling down, hard. They’re also the ones who’ll be there for you when you’ve finally gotten the hard shit done, to comfort and celebrate with you.





Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Worry, worry, worry! What are you, a Cancer? Since when did you become the zodiac’s chief Nervous Nellie? Sure, you’ve got problems. You’ve got fears. But you’ve never before let them eat away at you like this. Look at you, you’re all in a tizzy. I don’t mean to minimize your concerns; they’re legit. But please recognize that there’s very little you can do about them, at least right now, and, if it does anything at all, worrying is only likely to make everything worse. Do your best to take your mind off that shit and just enjoy what’s actually happening around you. Enlist some help if needed. I’m sure you know at least two people who’ll leap at the chance to distract you by any means necessary.

Sign Language

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Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

You’ve got so many people on your side. Why can’t you see it? Your tendency to focus on your few detractors rather than your numerous supporters is not only mentally destructive self-sabotage, it’s also mean to those who love you. They’re starting to feel like cheerleaders on the sidelines, screaming their adoration and support, and their favorite team responds by giving them the finger. This is a home game, my dear, and almost everyone who showed up is rooting for you to win. Stop paying attention to the little knot of die-hards who will never be on your side, and give it those who deserve it: the people who know and love you.



Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

There are a million reasons to keep trying, not least of which is that you’re a Capricorn, renowned for persistence and determination. That’s why I’m shocked that you’re considering giving up, after tripping over a tiny stumbling block. I’ve seen you leap tall buildings! Don’t tell me you’ve had enough, lest I lose all faith in your fortitude and tenacity. Buck up, soldier. What’s happened to you? You’re able to take a little criticism and rejection, and learn from it, believe it or not. Pull that famous thick skin out of the closet, wrap it around yourself, and charge back into the fray.



Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Sleep on it. I know you, like all Aquarians, pair a general open-mindedness with a deep stubbornness. It’s the latter that’s making you flat-out reject the advice of your friends. Please consider the possibility—however unlikely—that they might be right, and sleep on it. If you wake up still feeling strongly about it, then by all means continue with your plan. They could be wrong, after all, or lack your vision. And if they’re right—well, you’ll just have to learn your lesson the hard way, which isn’t so bad. At least that way you won’t soon forget it.



Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)


Some people have simple fears. They’re scared of dogs, or flying in planes, or of the number thirteen. Those kinds of fears are easy to confront and practice surmounting. Your fears, though, are generally more complex and subtle, and there’s no simple way to get over them. The best you can probably do is learn to live with them, or in spite of them. The first step, though, is figuring out—as much as possible—just what they are. This week you have a good chance of renegotiating terms with your fears. You may not be able to forge a peace, exactly, but some of kind of truce is certainly possible.



Aries (March 21-April 19)

I’m simultaneously pessimistic and optimistic enough to imagine aliens coming upon the ruins of our civilization someday, and using it to teach their children the perils of selfishness and shortsightedness. “They tried to save themselves,” they’d say, “but it was too little, too late.” The same, I’m afraid, might be said of you in a few weeks, though the stakes aren’t as high as the life or death of civilization. Your heart’s in the right place, and I won’t say you’re not trying. But might I suggest that you—and all of humankind—perhaps consider trying a lot harder, a lot sooner?



Taurus (April 20-May 20)

You may feel grievously overlooked, but you’ve actually been noticed. It’s just taking time for the good word to trickle back to you. Don’t screw this up by demanding recognition that’s already coming, before it actually gets to you; it’ll be retracted straight away, and you’ll be left looking the idiot. There’s nothing you can do but be patient, or risk screwing it all up. It may take much longer than you’d like, but eventually your hard work and talents will get the praise they deserve. Until then, keep quietly and modestly showing them off.



Gemini (May 21-June 20)

I know one Gemini whose catchphrase is, “Who are we talking about?” Because of the way she pounces on each tidbit of juicy gossip as if it’s the first morsel of food she’s seen in months, people tend to clam up around her, forcing her to wring details out of them with the tenacity of a pit bull worrying a bit of flesh off a bone. Dial down the desperation and relax, whatever it is you’re hunting. You might miss a chance or two because you’re not clutching at it desperately, but I’m sure you’ll pick up many more as a result, without even trying.



Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Sometimes your unpleasant dreams are simply the detritus of your days being shat out; it’s a psychic digestive process. Occasionally, however, they’re a message from the you that lives below conscious thought. That message might be obvious, like, “You’re anxious about that upcoming change,” or it might be something more subtle that’s harder to figure out. It’s worth getting to the bottom of it this week, because it’s probably something important, and not necessarily bad; knowing what’s going on beneath the surface of your thoughts could not only help you avoid imminent trouble, but it could also enable imminent success.



Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

I know, it’s depressing that the sun has set before you even get out of work, but don’t let it get you down. A gloomy Leo is a crime against humanity, albeit just a misdemeanor. We need the sun, too, and when that’s not around much, you’re the next best thing. Shine, Leo. It’s your astrological duty to the rest of us who put up with your shit the rest of the year and forgive you your flaws. Now we need you to glow more than ever. This week, concentrate on finding a source of psychic fuel that will enable you to do just that.



Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

One thing I like you about you is your “what you see is what you get” nature. You don’t have time to go around pretending to be something you’re not, or that you’re cooler than you are. You’ve got stuff to do. Sure, there are many little quirks or idiosyncrasies (some might call then neuroses) that only become clear once someone knows you very well, but there are generally no big surprises; you’re essentially the same person ten years on that you were the day we met you. This information might be enormously comforting to someone you know; please be sure they get it. Since simply telling them yourself might lack credibility, find a messenger to subtly do it for you.



Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

“Hey loser, zip it up. We don’t want to see your junk!” That’s the way a Scorpio might point out that someone’s fly is open. You Libras, on the other hand, proudly proclaim that you’re masters of tact, and wouldn’t dream of openly pointing out someone’s screw-ups in front of everyone. Unfortunately, you sometimes also balk at the kinder option of taking them aside and giving them a helpful bit of advice. Instead you choose to say nothing at all. That, in the end, is more malicious and dirty than a Scorpio’s tactless comments. Speak up, Libra, or someone else will—or, worse yet, no one will.



Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

You call people on their shit. I personally find this to be one of your more endearing qualities but I’m generally tough enough to take it and appreciate it. Some more thin-skinned folks, however, might consider you brutal and uncompromising (and even hypocritical) when you tell them to look at their own shortcomings or blind spots. Have a little sympathy for these softies this week. The holidays are coming up, after all, and if the sad sacks can’t catch a break then, when can they? In fact, I’d suggest using any way you can to show the softer, gentler side of you this week (even if it means biting your tongue until it bleeds).

Sign Language

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Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

This is a terrible time to crash diet (as if any time was great for that kind of thing). I know you just had Thanksgiving and all, and with the holidays approaching, you’re worried about the extra pounds piling up. But the drastic measures you’re likely to be drawn to at the moment are a really awful idea. Feel free to implement any sensible, moderate plans of action, but anything that smacks of a get-rich-quick scheme, designed to get results fast, just won’t work, and it’ll probably leave you worse off than when you started.





Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

The days are getting mighty short—depending on your schedule, you might not get much sunlight in any given day. That’s depressing—literally. Please don’t underestimate how much good a little natural daylight could do for you. So many of your problems would be easier to contend with, if you had more vim and vigor. Where do vim and vigor come from? Not from fluorescent lighting, that’s for sure. Go outside! A daily morning walk could do wonders for your mental health. Specifically block out some time in your schedule to get your dose of sunlight-induced happiness—in my opinion, it’s better than Prozac.





Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Whoa, what’s this? The stage is empty and the spotlight is standing vacant. Sure, the theater may only be half-full and no one’s waiting with bated breath, exactly—but it’s still an opportunity. This week you have a great chance to break into a new scene and get noticed. Perhaps that’s because some of the usual big fish are currently off swimming in other ponds. So what? Take advantage of the opening. Get your ass up into that spotlight! The extra attention may not last, but it sure wouldn’t hurt to start things off with an unforgettable bang.





Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Has your life felt slightly lackluster of late? Where have all the colorful characters that usually populate your little fable gone, the contortionists and pie-in-the-face fetishists and bearded drag queens? Your guess is as good as mine; my good news isn’t about their return. I’m here to remind you of a talent you’ve always had but haven’t properly practiced in months or years: the ability to step into the role of colorful character yourself, and thus provide your own entertainment. Go on. I’m sure you can come up with a pair of mutton-chop sideburns and a ball gown, at least. See what fun you can make with that.





Aries (March 21-April 19)

This is an abysmal time for big changes, Aries. You’re always capable of drastic action, but at the moment it’s not likely to get you where you hoped to go. There are simply too many factors you can’t control; by the time you’re done zanily swerving around them, you’ll have driven yourself to a location you’ve never heard of, not on any map. That, of course, could be its own adventure, but I’m guessing you’re more focused than that right now, and would actually like to arrive within hitchhiking distance of your actual destination. If that’s the case, foot-to-the-floor acceleration and crazy stunt car maneuvers are a terrible idea—slow and steady will win this race.





Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Vagueness irritates you, doesn’t it? You don’t usually have time for anyone who can’t be bothered to make up his mind and be considerate enough to give a straight answer about it. It’s a wonder you’ve put up with one of these flaky wafflers for so long. This week your tolerance may find its limit, however. Please resist the urge to grab this scatterbrain between hem and haw and shake him until he says something conclusive. It won’t do any good (and could get you into trouble). Instead, walk away. That, ironically, could be just the thing to elicit a decision and a straight answer. Be warned, however—it might not be the decision you wanted to hear.





Gemini (May 21-June 20)


Although it’s sometimes a good idea to call someone’s bluff, I wouldn’t advise trying it this week. What seems like a possible put-on designed to manipulate people might just be the real deal. The only way to find out for sure is the hard way, and you really can’t afford that at the moment. Keep your head down, soldier on, and see what happens a little ways down the line. You wouldn’t want to keep this up indefinitely (and I hope you don’t), but you’ve got to be smart and pick the right time to make your move. This, I’m afraid, is not that time.





Cancer (June 21-July 22)

You never know what someone’s really made of until they’re subjected to a little heat. Some people crack, revealing gooey interiors you never dreamed of. Others get harder and stronger. Some flee, some out-blaze the fire. I’m not suggesting you go around testing people to see what happens when they’re pushed to their breaking points. That’d be a bad idea. However, if you just happen to be around, pay attention. What you learn could be useful; how you put that information to use is, of course, up to you—but I might hope you’d learn from it how to best be there for someone in need.





Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Leos are hardly renowned their patience. Instant gratification is often the name of the game for Lions, and “to hell with the consequences!” There are ways and ways to rationalize this kind of thing, and some of the arguments you come up with are very convincing. That doesn’t, however, make listening to them the right thing to do, especially this week, when pursuing your own desires without regard for the potential fallout could land you in deeper, hotter water than you anticipated. Practice patience, my dear. You’re long overdue to grow some. And remember—the holidays are coming up.





Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

When Virgos see a problem, they try to solve it. It’s almost a compulsion. Other signs can watch the houseplants wither away from day to day and never get around to actually watering them until it’s too late. You, on the other hand, would be virtually incapable of doing anything else until the poor household flora had gotten a good soak. That’s all admirable—right up to the point where your entire life consists of putting out fires, and just running from one blaze to the next. Is that what your life’s become? Perhaps since you can’t see problems without trying to remedy them, you should give yourself a break and find a refuge where those problems will be out-of-sight, and at least half out-of-mind.





Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

I’m not a big proponent of the whole soulmate thing. But sometimes you do just meet someone and you get them, right off the bat. They can see right through you—in a good way, because they like what they see. This, my dear, is rare. This should also be easy. You’d actually have to try hard not to forge a connection. But some Libras, sadly, are just self-sabotaging enough to screw it up by suddenly becoming insanely shy or disappearing right when things are just getting good. Don’t worry if you act like an idiot—either they can handle that or they can’t, and if they can’t, the connection wasn’t what you thought it was, anyway. Go out there and be your great goofy self. Do that, and you can’t screw it up.





Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

This week is all about weighing the cost of the sacrifice against the value of the pay-off. Burning books for heat is not a good trade-off, for example. Burning furniture might be a better one, but it’s still far from ideal. Don’t settle for a horrible bargain, as if nothing better is available to you. Of course, most anyone would burn books if it meant the difference between life and death. But your straits are not yet so dire. You don’t need to settle for such bad deals, and shouldn’t. Hold out for a better offer, or—if one’s not forthcoming—walk away from the situation altogether.

Sign Language

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Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

You’re like a member of a band who’s spent weeks practicing for a gig where only 5 people show up. Your band is barely outnumbered by its audience. You could, of course, pack up your instruments and go back to the garage where you practice. Or you could do a wimpy abbreviated version of the set you planned. Or you could play your hearts out as if the place was packed to the gills with screaming fans. I think it’s a no-brainer which you should do. Give it your all for the sake of giving it your all this week, regardless of who might (or might not) benefit.





Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

I know you like being an observer, and watching certain situations from the outside in. But don’t tell me that it doesn’t hurt when you consequently get overlooked or forgotten. It’s not a slight that you didn’t get that invitation in the mail; it’s just an oversight. Still, that probably doesn’t make it feel much better. The situation right in front of you, for instance—are you really enjoying being the almost-invisible outsider? Why not wade in and get your hands dirty? Go get noticed. I’m betting the attention will be mostly (but probably not entirely) positive. Get involved. The fly-on-the-wall thing is getting old.



Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Quick, contact the authorities. You’ve surely beat the world record for holding your breath. How long’s it been since you took in a proper lungful of fresh, cool, clean, refreshing air? A few months, at least. Whatever constrictive force has restrained you from truly breathing and relaxing is about to let up, whether it’s a self-inflicted emotional corset or a predatory metaphorical boa constrictor. Your ribs might crack, and it might hurt to drawn in that first delicious breath—but you’ll know it’s the good kind of hurt. Yawn, gasp, sigh, and pant—and know that things will have to be at least a little easier from now on.





Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

It’s truly hard to create happy art. Making people experience pure joy isn’t impossible, but it’s way more difficult than disturbing, upsetting, or depressing them. It’s weird how people have more walls up to wonder than to horror, more resistance to happiness than misery. It takes a special talent to successfully subvert, penetrate, and transcend those tall, thick, invisible barriers and help people to experience delight in spite of their unconscious determination not to. You, my dear, whether you know it or not, have that talent. To not practice it—especially this week—would be a crime.





Aries (March 21-April 19)


Venture to the dirtiest part of your home, that cubby, cabinet, corner, closet, or crawlspace where you never go and rarely clean, home to dirt, dust bunnies, and dead bugs. Scrub and scour it, even if it means slithering under the bed with a headlamp and a bucket, or moving stacks of boxes. Not only might you find something you thought lost forever, but it’ll be beneficial to your mental health. People have places just like this inside their heads. It’s good to occasionally relate that to the real world, where concrete actions can have psychological repercussions. Getting rid of all that crud can and will help you eliminate some of the internal crap, too. Clean it up, then shower. You’ll feel a million times lighter, happier, and just plain better, guaranteed.





Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Just like any lazy bull, the only person who can move you is you. When necessary, though, you can move fast. I’ve seen it. And those decisions, sometimes made on a whim, can have life-changing consequences, due to your extreme spiritual inertia—which translates into real world stick-to-it-iveness. I know a Tauren who was too lazy to go out and buy a pack of cigarettes, so he decided to quit. Ten years later he still hasn’t had a smoke. You can change your life (and others’ lives) even when you’re just phoning it in. What might you accomplish (especially this week) if you actually set your mind to it?





Gemini (May 21-June 20)

I overwrite. When composing anything—horoscope, email, novel—I write too much. Then I have to go back and pare it down, make it more succinct and simple than my original text. I suck at sprucing things up. It’s better for me to go too far and then pull back. My strategy ought to work well for you this week. Take whatever you’re doing—whether it’s writing a love letter, putting up Christmas decorations, or planning a Thanksgiving menu—to the Nth degree. Then rewrite the letter, take down half the decorations, and cross out a third of the menu, keeping only the best parts. I guarantee you’ll end up with something better than if you’d stopped at the point you thought was “just right.”





Cancer (June 21-July 22)


When people start to get depressed, it’s usually because their world has gotten too small and restrictive. The truth is, the world is huge and filled with insane variety (even if humans are constantly trying to actively destroy that and make everything the same). If you’re feeling down, break out of the little microcosm you’re trapped in. Watch some nature documentaries if you can’t think of any other way to remind yourself that there’s a phenomenally incredible universe full of things you never imagined out there. You haven’t seen and done it all. You haven’t even scratched the surface. This week, find a way to start doing at least that.





Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)


Some Leos have a reputation for shallowness. This is more about laziness than about lacking emotional depth. Some Lions are content to know a little about a lot, or be pretty good at a huge variety of activities, but they never dig deeper than that. Are you a surface skimmer? Calling yourself a Renaissance (wo)man may make it sound nice but doesn’t change the fact that you’re leaving massive amounts of your potential virtually unexplored. Pick one or two things and dig deeper—a lot deeper. I reckon you’ll have to dig twice as deep as where you thought the bottom was before you’ll realize there actually is none. Hopefully by then the prospect will excite you rather than frighten you.





Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)


You simply can’t foresee all the potential outcomes of your actions. That’s not to say you should stop trying; Virgos are so good at being prepared that you’ll probably still be covered for a good 80% of what might happen. However, please quit worrying about that remaining 20%. Enjoy how good you are at this, instead of flipping out about the possibilities you can’t anticipate or control. The future is a series of unknowns and trying to plan for every possible scenario is what makes some Virgos annoyingly neurotic. Keep your planning and preparations reasonable, especially this week. On the rare occasions when things veer outside of what you expected, try to laugh at the surprise, rather than freak out about it.





Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Libras absorb a lot of shit through their own peculiar voodoo osmosis. I’ve seen Libras pick up accents, attitudes, and perspectives just by hanging out with people who possess them naturally. You’re like sponges, or mirrors, which can make a lot of really vain people drawn to you, and make some insecure ones run for the hills. This isn’t a judgment, just an observation. I think it’s also a good motivation to surround yourself with good people. Do those around you make you love and enjoy yourself more? If so, you’ve made some good choices. If not, you might want to look at that.





Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

I know your trust has been broken, but it’s no one’s fault, least of all the one you’re taking it out on. That’s like blaming your bank for getting robbed. How long are you going to keep your cash buried in the backyard or stashed inside your mattress? Forever? That’s your choice, I suppose; banks are overrated. But what about love? You’re practicing the emotional equivalent of keeping your heart hidden and buried, instead of invested and collecting interest. That’s your choice, too. But consider choosing differently. Your life would be richer for it, I promise.

Sign Language

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Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

My favorite lovers have been wild boys in and out of bed, but I’ve also had loads of fun with guys who were outwardly prudish but insanely passionate behind closed doors. That sharp contrast felt like a dirty secret I was excited to be in on. Is the person you’re currently interested in all they seem? Not really. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised to learn that they’ve got layers and layers—each one more interesting than the last. So what are you waiting for? It’s going to take time to get to that juicy, fascinating center. Start peeling!





Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

In the past, when choosing between safety and adventure, you’ve nearly always selected the riskier option. Why bask in the familiar when you can venture into the unknown? Now, though, something in you is urging you towards the safer, more comfortable option. I’m surprised you’re resisting it so much. What’s that about? Adventure out of habit? You’ve done the venturing-boldly-into-the-unknown-thing, many times. Weirdly, that’s the familiar choice. This would actually be venturing into the unknown: being safe, secure, and responsible. If you have an impulse in that direction, why don’t you give that a try this time?





Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Tiny details can hugely affect your day-to-day happiness and wellbeing. For me, sunlight, warmth, and a few sensual pleasures can make me start my day happily (I’ve grown fond of hot bubble baths and creamy cold coffee drinks, for example). Sure, it’s possible for me to be happy without these things, but I’ve got to work harder at it. Why bother? It’s easy enough to set myself up with a few things that’ll automatically make my life much more pleasurable. This week, improve your baseline of happiness. Make it so you don’t have to work so hard to be euphorically happy—simply because it’s not so far from where you start each day.





Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)


You’re neither imbecile nor enlightened monk. You’d have to be one of those to enter new situations with a truly blank mind, free of all expectations. Don’t delude yourself into thinking you’ve managed to rid yourself of all preconceived notions about something. You may have succeeded at burying them out of sight, so you’re not even aware of how they’re skewing your perception, but they’re still there. Acknowledge that, and you’ll at least be able to account for them, and adjust accordingly. This week dig them up and put them on the table. You want to see things clearly, at least, don’t you? That’s the only way.





Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Admit it, you’re in love with the tension between what you have and what you wish you could have—perhaps more in love with that delicious limbo than with the dream that’s generating it. In other words, you’d rather stay here, between reality and fantasy, instead of proceeding onwards to actual fulfillment of that fantasy. Deep down you know that getting what you want would mean sullying it by bringing it down into the gritty real world, rife with compromises. Accept it. This is actually where you want to be. Relax. Take pleasure in where you are, instead of pretending you’d really rather be someplace else.





Aries (March 21-April 19)

Get over it. Yes, your feelings are hurt, and with good reason. But in the grand scheme of things this is no big deal. It might be hard to let go of, because this time you’re 100% in the right (and how often does that happen?). But you should let go of it, anyway. The person who did you wrong has done you right many, many times, so letting them off the hook for this one (admittedly grievous) mistake is the least you can do. There’s no need for emotionally grueling discussions, begging for forgiveness, or any of that. Just move on, without drama. Once you do (and once the indignation passes) you’ll realize it was exactly the right thing to do.





Taurus (April 20-May 20)

As I age, I reflect on people who influenced me growing up. I’m fascinated by how my perception of them changes as I approach and pass the ages they were when I knew them; my respect for them grows or diminishes accordingly. You know how difficult it is to understand someone who’s coming from an incredibly different place in their lives, especially if it’s somewhere you’ve never been. Give them the benefit of the doubt this week, and don’t judge them too harshly, even if you currently disagree. Watch what you say. You may have to eat your words in a couple decades. Not only will they not taste good—it might then be too late to take them back in any case.





Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Miscalculations are the name of the game this week. If you plan a party, you’ll either be swimming in food and booze for your paltry handful of guests, or you’ll be drowning in partygoers complaining there’s not enough food or booze. Goldilocks is on holiday and “just right” is a phrase that will not apply to anything you do this week. I know I’m always encouraging people to trust their instincts, but this week your normally astute intuition is way off. Err on the side of caution, and choose the options that accommodate the widest range of possibilities. It might cost more money, but it’ll will save your nerves.



Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Prepare to square off with your significant other (or the closest thing you have to one). This is a tough situation. The problem is s/he’s being unrealistically optimistic and idealistic about a certain aspect of your future, and you’re trying your best to see and deal with things as they are. Recognize that it’s painful for some people to wake up to reality, and it sucks for you to have to play the role of alarm clock. However, resist the temptation to let them sleep in. Even if that feels like the kind thing to do, it’s actually patronizing and cruel. It’s time, my dear. Ring your bell and wake them up.





Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Your two  astrological commandments this week are: Be more responsible, and play more. At first blush, these two things may seem to be at opposite poles, but they’re actually quite symbiotic. The fewer loose ends you’ve got lying around or weighing on your mind, the more free you’ll feel to cut loose, without the guilt or anxiety that otherwise might weigh heavy on your mind. It’s actually quite simple, and immediately viable—you’ll get instant, very gratifying results. Now go get shit done, Leo, so you can do nothing. Pay your bills so you can play!





Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)


Let there be delighted confusion! My wish is for you to experience bewildered joy. It’s not often you let yourself get swept off your feet by a person or experience. It’s not exactly in your control freak nature. But I hope by now you’ve gotten at least a chance or two to experience the exhilarating thrill of truly letting go  and not knowing exactly what will happen, or when, how, or why. This week, give that another go. The astrological currents are flowing strongly in very delicious directions; the worst thing you could do is try to swim against them.





Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)


These aren’t irreconcilable differences, though they may feel that way. You and your buddy, though you usually see eye-to-eye on most things, are viewing this particular scenario from such different angles you can’t even be sure you’re looking at the same thing. Each of you finds the other’s perspective virtually inconceivable. But let’s keep molehills from becoming mountains. Your buddy isn’t arguing that killing people is alright, or that his heroin addiction is healthy. The topics under debate are abstract philosophical ideas. You don’t have to agree with his views on reincarnation, or Machiavellian ethics. If he can accept that your principles are different than his, you should be able to do the same. Then you’ll find you can probably go back to getting along famously.

Sign Language

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Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Some months back I decided I was bored with my summer birthday and resolved to be a Scorpio this year. I chose your sign not only because I wish I was as sexy as all of you, but because I’ve always had tremendous respect for Scorpios—mostly because of your conviction, passion, and willingness to explore nearly every nook and cranny of your personality, no matter how extreme. Since then, though, I’ve encountered several Scorpios who were indecisive, lackluster, and afraid of their own shadows. That’s right, some members of your hot little tribe aren’t living up to the hype. You’re not one of those, are you? Step it up, just in case.





Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)


This week, be a skunk. As you contemplate new defense mechanisms to protect you from the rough and tumble world, forego anything like claws, venom, and spiky fur. Go for something essentially benign, yet just as effective. I’m not suggesting you skip showers for a week or three (though that might work, too). However, I do believe there are non-violent, and possibly humorous, ways to keep at bay those you don’t want around. This week, work on finding one of those. When those undesirables start walking swiftly in the other direction the second they spot you, you’ll know you found it.





Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)


We know you have staying power. But this week let’s talk about the joy of quitting. I hope at some point you’ve experienced the euphoria of shrugging off the shackles of an oppressively bad job, and finally telling your crappy boss exactly what you think of him. Remember how you couldn’t stop grinning like an idiot as you walked away? This week there’s pleasure and benefit to be had in quitting something that’s played a central role in your life for too long (if you haven’t quit smoking and would like to, give it a try now). Don’t be afraid of your attachments. Cutting free of them won’t be a hardship. It’ll be bliss.





Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

There are now more overweight people in the world than underweight people. There are of course still hungry people all over, but in general the world’s population—even in developing nations—is fat and getting fatter. Cross-cultural trends (overwhelming consumption of high-calorie beverages, for example) are slathering pounds on people all over the world. Your own life’s on this track, too. I’m not saying you need to lose weight, necessarily. I’m just pointing out that your bad habits (of thought and practice) are starting to outweigh your good ones. See if you can tip that balance back, before you break the scale.





Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

You’re too hard on yourself. It’s good to strive for positive changes in your life, but attempting to do so by making yourself feel guilty, obligated, or lame just won’t work. Those strategies might do in a pinch, but to create lasting, beneficial changes in your life you’ve got to come from a more positive place. Be gentle and encouraging with yourself, but firm. You know what’s best for you, and what you’ve got to do. What’s left is to quit dragging your feet and get it done. Be as supportive and positive with yourself as you can. You need all the encouragement you can get; even if it has to come from somewhere within you, that’s better than nothing.





Aries (March 21-April 19)

Rams are vulnerable. Most people don’t know that, because you’ve got these big curly metaphorical horns that you can use to bust some serious ass. Since on some levels you’re so badass, some people overestimate your emotional toughness. Your skin’s not as thick as they think it is, and you can be wounded by a lot of the shit that comes your way. Don’t be afraid of your sensitivity. A tough guy or gal with a secretly warm squishy heart is incredibly attractive. Let people know it’s there, not just so they’ll go easier on you, but hopefully so they’ll get into bed with you, too.





Taurus (April 20-May 20)

You know that nest egg/emergency fund you’ve got squirreled away somewhere? Dip into it. You have the chance to dramatically improve your life right now. I know it’s a risk, tapping into that cache for anything less than whatever it was intended for—and you must strictly forbid yourself from ever doing it again—but just this once it might be worth it. The way you live is too safe, anyway. Live it up, a little, joyfully, firmly banishing guilt or anxiety. You’ll be able to recuperate the money you spent—and because of how you spent it, you’ll have a lot more fun than you did the first time around.





Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Forget preemptive strikes. Breaking up with your lover before they dump you or quitting your job before you get fired may seem like a good idea, but it’s not. In this case, your paranoid fantasies about what you think will happen aren’t entirely accurate. The conclusion you fear can still be prevented, and rushing towards it and making sure it’ll happen is simply not the appropriate solution. Forget that self-defeating bullshit. This week, defy your cynicism and self-doubt and behave as if everything will work out beautifully, instead of willfully manifesting the worst-case scenario. Things might not work out, despite your best efforts—but at least you’ll have allowed for the possibility.





Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Crack that whip. It’s going to take all of your best goading, pleading, nagging, cajoling, and bribery to keep yourself on track this week. It’s in your best interest that you do, though, since the path you’ve chosen is a positive one for you, even if it’s difficult. It’d be a shame to give up now (even though the naughtiest and laziest parts of you think throwing in the towel would be a brilliant idea), since you’ve already put in so much time and energy. You’re almost to the home stretch. Kick your own ass and get there. You’ll be glad you did; the last ten miles are all downhill.





Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Change your passwords. It’s in your nature to be trusting of other people—and you should. Most people are trustworthy and suspecting them of anything shady would be insulting. Don’t get paranoid. However, it’s also better to be safe than sorry; it’d take only one miserable asshole to shatter your faith in humankind, when the vast majority of us are actually deserving of that faith. Change your passwords. Also take other reasonable precautions to keep yourself safe. Then you can relax and enjoy all the people who’d never steal from you—and know that you’re secure from the one or two who might try.





Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Don’t be a perfectionist, unless you like screwing yourself over. Life is imperfect. Accept that, and you’ll be much happier. Perfectionists defeat themselves almost all of the time. They’ll take something that’s almost perfect, and ruin it with their attempts to improve it further. Know when to stop and settle. 98% of what you hoped for is better than what you’d end up with while striving for 100%. I know there’s part of you that’s into the whole self-sabotage thing, but I hope you’re working on outgrowing that.





Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

This situation has an expiration date. I don’t know whether that’s good news or bad news, but it is what it is. There are ways you can postpone the inevitable, if you want to; stick that carton of milk in the a very cold fridge and it won’t go bad nearly as fast as it would sitting on a sunny windowsill. But eventually that milk will become sour and undrinkable no matter what. So what to do now that you know the carton of milk in your hands is about to go bad? Well, that’s up to you. You can stash it in that cold fridge and only sip it on odd-numbered days, trying to stretch it out as long as possible, or you can just gulp it all down now and get it over with. Whatever you do, enjoy it to the best of your ability—and when it’s gone, let it go.

Sign Language

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Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

When your usual sources of support and co-conspiracy aren’t available, it’s time to search further afield. Luckily, there’s someone with whom you have regular contact that you’ve never yet teamed up with. You’ll probably be surprised by who I mean, because you’d never guess that this particular person could potentially be your perfect collaborator. Drop a few hints, watch for signs that an alliance is possible, then go for it. What do you have to lose, after all? Your other choices are nonexistent or unequivocally inappropriate. Chances are, things will work out even better than you had reason to expect.





Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Obviously, our planet is in trouble. Pretty much anyone who actually knows about this shit says that if we continue as we have our certain doom is a done deal—almost certainly in our lifetimes. I’m glad that “going green” is finally becoming trendy, but it’s not enough. Waiting for people to invent better technologies and tap into other sources of energy isn’t such a hot idea, either. We all have to make sacrifices; the problem is many of us are too lazy and/or selfish to do it. Are you really okay with having an overall negative impact on the planet? I think we’d all like to leave things better than how we found them. This week’s a good one to work towards that goal. Start with going carbon neutral (visit _______).





Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)


Since the millennium, our world has started to look more and more like the sci-fi future imagined in my youth; things we now regard as commonplace would have been regarded as fantastical just two or three decades ago—though everyone already expected them anyway. What’s that? You still haven’t gotten your jetpack or moon base vacation? Well, get on that! Your childhood conceptions of adulthood’s possibilities are closer than you think. I don’t care whether we’re talking about a hover car, or a kind of relationship, or some form of spiritual enlightenment. It’s not entirely out of your grasp. This week, actively reach for it—even if it means you have to practically invent it from scratch.





Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Halloween is a time for people to don disguises, right? Not necessarily. It can also be a chance for some of us to reveal hidden truths. In a way, we’re all witches in hiding who can only safely emerge once a year. Halloween is the perfect chance—if you’ve got the guts—to show off your secrets instead of concealing them. Consider it a test drive. You can laugh off anyone’s negative response—it was just a costume, right? That’ll give you a chance to retreat and rethink. However, I’m guessing that you’ll mostly get positive reactions. Wouldn’t it be great (metaphorically speaking, at least) if you never had to take this “costume” off again? 





Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Sometimes conflicts are unavoidable, no matter how hard you try. This week mismatched expectations could start fires. One of you isn’t aiming high enough, and settling for something adequate that could be much, much better. Are you the one who’s happy with mediocrity (perhaps without knowing it)? If someone’s pushing you to put in that extra effort, they probably have a reason. Humor them, even if you don’t see the point. And if it’s someone else who’s under-achieving, here’s your chance to relish a role you rarely get to play: inspired ass-kicker and whip-cracker.





Aries (March 21-April 19)

You’re just one person, but people can get wildly different impressions of you depending on how they get to know you. If someone’s only experienced you by viewing your Myspace page, or picking through your garbage, they’re only getting a narrow, edited version of the real you. It’s virtually impossible for anyone to ever get to know the complete, real you, but it’s certainly possible for everyone to get to taste a few more slices of the whole pie. Won’t you make a few more servings available this week?





Taurus (April 20-May 20)


When was the last time you were truly thrilled about something? I know you Bulls have a reputation to maintain—something about being “down to earth,” or perhaps a bit cynical. However, I’d hate to think you might have given up altogether on being excited (or showing it). There’s got to be something that would truly electrify you (besides a fork in a power outlet). We all want to see you squeal and jump up and down like a little girl, and not just for the laugh factor.  What would do that to you? Come on, give us a hint. We just might pick it up and run with it.





Gemini (May 21-June 20)


How many examples of people following their dreams do you need to see, before you’ll give it a try, too? All the people I know (or know of) who are doing something cool are simply people who decided to take a leap of faith and try doing something new, without any real assurance that it’d succeed. It’s not easy, but it is easier than you think to make your labor of love replace your day job. The internet is an amazing place to find likeminded people who’d help make it all happen. You might fall flat on your face, but unless you put yourself in a position to do exactly that, you’ll also never soar.





Cancer


(June 21-July 22)

You’re such a creature of habit that breaking that habit—even if it’s something you really want to do, which is good for you—can make you irritable and out of sorts. Don’t mistake the transition period for the new chapter, though. It will take you a while to settle into and enjoy your altered routines. In the meantime, you might feel a bit cranky. So what? Let yourself be cranky. Have faith in your original concept—what you’re doing is a good idea, even though that seemed a lot more certain before you actually gave it a try. Persist. You made the right decision. Once you see it through to its conclusion, that’ll be so obvious, you’ll wonder how you ever doubted it.





Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Last night I dreamt about a pair of redheads who were both competing for the same political office. I commented: “Why do all redheads end up in politics or showbiz?” I should have asked that about Leos, though. Even if you’re not onscreen or currying votes, most Leos semi-regularly find a way to bask in the spotlight of people’s attention. It could be at work or socially, but Lions usually feel relatively unfulfilled unless they get to shine in a crowd, organizing or entertaining people. Where does this integrally Leonine trait get expression in your life? This week, work on finding at least one more place for it. Once you do, you’ll be so glad you did.





Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Buy a comfy couch. It’s not for you; we both know you’ll rarely actually sit on it long enough to notice. It’s for all the people who might visit you; they need to be cozy, since you won’t let them do anything while you bustle about preparing snacks and entertainment for your guests. You’ve been looking for ways to make your general selflessness less strenuous and simultaneously more effective. There’s one. You’ll discover more, if you try. All you need to do is really put yourself in other people’s shoes (or, in this case, butts).





Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

It’s not that you don’t have opinions. It’s that you don’t feel the pressure to always loudly express them (like those boisterous Leos you know), and that you’re open-minded enough to consider changing them when presented with compelling information. However, there are a few times when this approach is actually counterproductive. This week, you may be presented with a leadership void, when a group of people flounder because no one will step up and say what they think and guide them in any one direction. (Where are those bossy Leos when you need them, right?) Even if it’s all the same to you, the universe has dumped this one on your shoulders. It’s time to pick a side, and take everyone else there, too.

Sign Language

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Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Your life is like a beach town. There are months when it’s bustling, packed to the gills with people on vacation, eager to have a good time. Then there are times when even some of the most stalwart folk abandon the place, leaving it a virtual ghost town of boarded-up shops and desolate, empty streets. Unlike a beach town, though, it’s sometimes hard to predict when the peak season is due, since there are practically no external signs (like nice weather). Not this time, however. Unboard those shops and buy a new surfboard. Come this week, you’re open for business, and ready for fun.





Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

People want to believe in ghosts, UFOs, and yeti (and astrology, for that matter), and do, despite having little to no tangible proof that they’re real. I believe we have a hunger for mystery and wonder in our lives; they’re as essential as water and as satisfying as chocolate. What looks like depression is often actually acute wonder-deprivation. When people don’t have enough mystery in their lives they end up shuffling dully through a grey doldrums that’s hard to escape from. Is your world feeling a little lackluster? Find something you can’t quite understand, and embrace it, before it’s too late.





Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Parents who diligently keep their kids perfectly safe and sated often end up with boring, entitled kids. Children who’ve suffered hardship and risk are more likely to become motivated, generous, rugged, and inspired. It’s hard to not protect those you love from every bit of hurt they might suffer, but it’s important to let them stick their hands in the flame once in a while. Pain tempers people, and teaches them how to properly dream (I’ve met more than one pampered child whose greatest aspiration was to become a manager). This week, please keep that in mind. When it comes time to stand between someone and some kind of pain that might actually be good for them, please step aside.





Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)


Some people’s Achilles’ heels are more obvious than others. When someone has an addiction to alcohol or abusive partners, it’s easy to spot—though figuring out what to do about it is frequently still a quandary. Other personal weaknesses are more subtle and subversive. This week, however, you have the unique perspective that puts you in a position to help someone resist or get a handle on their failings. This week, someone teetering on the brink of succumbing to their internal darkness might reach out a hand that only you can grab. Therefore please stay alert, keep your center of gravity low, and don’t let them fall.





Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Some people confuse being vulnerable with being weak. They see you sensitive, impressionable Fish as feeble because you have a hard time shielding yourself from the world. The reality is that for the most part that’s made you stronger, even if it doesn’t always look that way. Someone who puts up walls between herself and the parts of the world she doesn’t like is only fine until something knocks down the walls. Then she falls apart. Even though to some eyes you seem perpetually on the brink of falling apart, you never quite do. That, as we both know, is strength. This week, help someone who’s judged you wrongly see it that way, too.





Aries (March 21-April 19)


This week, kiss people’s scars. Cherish them for having suffered and still being able to hope, dream, and love. Everyone’s endured mountains of hurt; every beam of light they can allow to shine past all that occluding emotional scar tissue is a kind of miracle. Remember that. Pour adoration on patched, once-broken hearts. Experience is sexy, especially when it makes someone funnier, stronger, and more vivid. Beautiful innocent unscarred youth already gets enough attention. This week, please focus on the more battered, bruised, and brave beauties in your life.





Taurus (April 20-May 20)


I enjoy flavored water, despite my rational mind, which points out that most of them taste like (and essentially are) watered-down Kool-Aid. Still, that little bit of added sugar can help me down several liters a day; when drinking pure water, despite my intentions, I have a hard time managing one. Being absolutely disciplined and pure regarding your intentions is all well and good, if you can manage it, but it’s not always possible. This week, use a little sugar to get the medicine to go down, if you have to. It’s better than not taking it at all.





Gemini (May 21-June 20)

You’re quite likely to rub elbows with someone you admire this week. Make sure you notice. Lately you’ve been so involved with the business inside your own head that you’ve missed some truly fascinating things that have happened right in front of your own nose. This could be one of them. I know your busy brain is a compelling and exciting place to live, but so is your world, if you care to notice. You’ve developed a bad habit of ignoring all but the most pressing and urgent stimulus in front of you. Unlearning that may be a lengthy and difficult process, but it needs to be done. Beginning that process is this week’s task, and the reward is getting to get close to one of your heroes. Missing that would suck, so don’t.





Cancer (June 21-July 22)

A gemstone can be cut any number of ways that would completely alter its appearance. Sometimes those cuts can make it look fake, pretentious, or worse. Nature has its own charm, too, and occasionally it’s best to leave it alone. This week, if you find a diamond in the rough, don’t take it home to clean it up and polish it. Leave it where it is, and enjoy it just as you found it. Remember, once you take away those rough edges, you can never have them back. Are you really sure you’ll still love that sparkling treasure without them? I’m not. Best leave it be.





Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Mind your own business. Leos can be terrible gossips and love having their fingers in lots of pots, and expressing their opinions about virtually everything. Sometimes that’s hilarious, interesting, and brilliant. Sometimes it’s just nosy and annoying. Learning to recognize which is which, and where to draw the line is an important lesson right now. It turns out yours is in the wrong place. This week, see if you can figure out where it really belongs. You’ll know it’s in the right place when you start being privy to even more secrets and juicy gossip than before—because people have learned they can actually trust you with them.





Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Don’t confuse need with love. That’s a dangerous Virgo tendency. You’re needed by many people. That’s what you get for being so generous with your time and energy. To be fair, you’re loved by many of them. But there are those who are just using you; the second you cease being useful to them, they’ll ditch you. It may be depressing to think about, but it’s important to learn how to discern which kind of person is which. This week, if someone presents you with demands that essentially boil down to “put out or get out,” please get out—and don’t look back.





Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

A little bit of dysfunction is natural with any group of people, especially if they come from many different backgrounds and perspectives. While I admire your diplomatic instinct and your determination to smooth over and resolve any conflict, I’m afraid you might be too driven in this regard. Not every clash of wills or difference of opinions has to be moderated and addressed. Sometimes people have to hash it out on their own, and they won’t appreciate you getting in the way of that. This week, work on recognizing when your input is desired, and when people would rather you simply butt out.

Sign Language

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Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

It’s always feast or famine, right? Whether you’re hunting for a job, lover, or anything else that matters to you, it’s sometimes hard to find that perfect, much-sought-after balance. Forget “just right.” All of October it’s too much or too little of everything. This week, though, you’ll see a significant flip. That could be either good news or bad news depending on which side of the coin you’re on, and which you prefer; by the 23rd you’re quite likely to find yourself in the opposite situation from where you were when the week began.





Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

I’m a passionate feminist, but there were some hardcore feminists at my (phenomenally left-wing) college who took the whole concept too far. These (exclusively) women called themselves womyn and referred to history as herstory, all without a drop of humor or irony. They weren’t fun people to be around, and generally only kept their own company. While I appreciate extremes in general, since they make life interesting, I find that leavening them with laughter is never a bad idea. No one should expect you to abandon your convictions; being able to express them with humor and humility, however, will take you much further, and be more fun, besides.





Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Sagittarians love playing other roles, stepping into lives different from your own. You’re good at it, too. But inevitably you’ll want to return to your own lives. The problem is some Archers can be so good at embodying supposedly temporary characters that finding your way back to whoever you were before is a confusing, tortuous journey. Some get lost. This is the danger: the more compelling the role, and the better you are at playing it, the more difficult it’ll be to excise it from your daily life, once you decide you’re done with it. This week, when doors to “other selves” open, don’t necessarily just slam them closed, but consider that before you step through, please.





Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Sometimes things simply don’t click between you and another person. It looks like you should be compatible, on paper, but in reality it just doesn’t work. This can be hard for you Caps to wrap your heads around and accept. I’ve seen some of stubborn old Goats beat their heads against something because of how they thought it should be. Don’t. Let “it is what it is” be your mantra. Reasonable attempts to change or modify a situation are of course a good idea; the problem is you usually go too far and try too hard. Learning where to draw the line is the lesson I’d like you to work on this week. It could come in handy very soon.





Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Aquarians have a reputation for being brilliant but erratic. What I love about my Water-Bearing friends is that no matter how much time has passed since last I saw them, the next time I encounter them I still feel as close to them as I ever did. What I don’t love is that frequently long periods can pass between these encounters, as these inquisitive geniuses are often AWOL for ages, pursuing some adventure or interest or other. This week, work on your reliability. If you want someone to come to count on you, you have to give them reason to believe they can. This week is a good time to do just that.





Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Your confounding ability to embody contradiction and magically circumvent conflicts of interest is at the heart of this week’s events. How, people wonder, can you be in love with two different people at once, or give so much of yourself to a job you want to sabotage? Don’t let others’ confusion derail you, though. The ability to be be more than one thing at the same time is the secret to success this week. Only you have the power to love those you oppose, even as you take them down, and that’s the key. Without that love and compassion, effective action is just not possible.





Aries (March 21-April 19)

Pisces make excellent double-agents not because they’re masters of deception but because they’re not bothered by the paradox of playing both sides. You can’t do that. Not only do you habitually wear your heart on your sleeve, you also suck at lying. Therefore, don’t bother. Use the truth. It’s the best tool you have, even if it’s less than ideal. At least it will hold up to repeated uses, unlike a lie, which will crumble the first time it has to bear any kind of stress. The truth may not exactly be your best friend at the moment but it’s still better than any falsehood, which would, effectively, be your worst enemy.





Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Change up your routine. I know Taureans are frequently comforted and comfortable doing the same thing, day in, day out. Other signs call that a rut. That might be a bit harsh, but there’s something to be said for a little variety in your life; it opens up possibilities you didn’t even dream existed before they appeared. This can be as simple as altering your schedule. Try it for a week or two, as much as your obligations allow. If you’re usually an early bird, become a night owl, or vice versa. You’ll see doors where you thought there were none. Open them. See what’s on the other side.





Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Light can make you happy. People with seasonal affective disorder feel depressed in winter, and most theories suggest this has something to do with a lack of light. This is the kind of simple and obvious explanation that Geminis often overlook, since you’re usually more interested in complex or convoluted reasons things are the way they are. Chances are, whatever your problem is at the moment, you’re over-thinking it. Look for a simple solution to your conundrum, for once, and you’ll probably find it. It could be as easy as buying a nice lamp, rather than rethinking your entire life.





Cancer (June 21-July 22)


“I loved them too much.” I’ve heard these words come out of more than one Cancer’s mouth. What they’re trying to explain is how their abundance of love and nurturing came to be seen as smothering and clingy by the object of their affections, who eventually fled in terror. I don’t know a single Cancer who hasn’t had something like this happen to them at least once. Moving on, though, isn’t easy. How do you respond to an experience like this? Learn to love people less, or show it less? I don’t know the answer, I’m afraid. I suspect it’s different for everyone. This week, though, should bring you substantially closer to it.





Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Learning To Love You More (learningtoloveyoumore.com) is an art concept whose inclusivity is inspiring. Artists Miranda July and Harrel Fletcher come up with “assignments,” like “make a portrait of your friend’s desires,” and invite anyone and everyone to participate. The collected works range from the predictably mundane to the marvelously surprising. I love the way their idea attempts to bring out the most inspired best in other people, which strikes me as a particularly Leonine thing to do. This week, your “assignment” is to come up with ways to elicit brilliance from everyone you love. Begin now.





Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

I love seeing how people work. Being privy to the creative process is sometimes more interesting to me than the end result of that process. I once saw an exhibit of the artwork of Chuck Close which chronicled in detail his process and I loved it. Similarly I adore reality shows like Top Chef and Project Runway as well as behind-the-scenes documentaries, for the same reason. It’s that whole journey vs. destination thing. To me, the journey, the process, is always more interesting than its goal. Focusing too much on that end point could rob you of the best aspects of what you could be getting out of it. See where I’m headed? Shift your focus. It’ll make you happier than you are now.

Sign Language

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Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

You’re actually quite a level-headed sort. Sure, you can get caught up in the nauseating whirlwind of your own oft-contradictory thoughts, and have trouble making up your mind, but when presented with similarly confusing and confounding external stimulus, that supposed “weakness” becomes a strength; you can respond serenely to large numbers of vociferous demands on your attention, energy, and even affection, because it’s nothing compared to the blinding weather inside your own head. This week will give you a chance to showcase that talent, impressing someone who may have been less-than-impressed by you in the past. Don’t miss it.





Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

You can probably forget being the best at anything. Chances are there’s someone out there willing to devote such obsessive amounts of time and energy to your interest that you could never sanely compete. Work on finding new standards to measure yourself against. Accept that you’ll probably never be the best at any one thing without sacrificing virtually everything else. That’s so not your style; if anyone’s into having their cake and eating it too, it’s you. Let go of that whole concept. Instead, focus on being really, really good at several things you love. That’ll open enough doors to keep your life interesting, and then some.



Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Access to information and communication is an integral part of a free society; when it’s restricted in any way, the very premise of freedom is endangered. This plays out on a grand as well as a personal scale. Depriving anyone of the truth, for any reason, is quite simply not in your best interest, and something you’ll regret later—especially if you did it for some arbitrary reason, like their age. Erase “You’re too young to know,” and its ilk from your list of viable denials. That’s not your style. Pretending it is will only make you miserable—and dumb.





Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Pisceans may excel at truly non-linear thought, but you’re almost as good in that regard. The routes you pursue to similar destinations are totally different; while they’re making half-blind, intuitive leaps, you’re following hidden connections invisible to other people. Nevertheless you can work amazingly well together. If you’re on the hunt for the perfect partner for your maddest schemes, start by checking out the Pisceans in your life (or recruiting a new one). They may confound and bewilder you, but they’re likely to bring out the best in you, too.





Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

It’s astonishing how some of the most educated people seem to completely lack the ability to truly think. Analytical thought, the kind that allows you to read between the lines, penetrate smokescreens and perceive layers beyond what’s being presented, is a rare and valued talent. You happen to be good at it, when you don’t let your emotions cloud your vision too much. The problem is you haven’t been practicing it much lately. You can’t afford to slack off like that. After all, you’ve got to compensate for all the ignorant oafs who can’t be bothered to question what they’re told. This week, turn your Superman vision back on and start blasting through walls and lies. Someone should.





Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)


Your mind is a river, and you’ve spent far too much time and energy lately attempting to swim upstream. While I appreciate and applaud your efforts to at least steer the ship of your thoughts in those changing currents, you’re trying too hard. Part of your process involves incorporating tangents and detours, while remembering your ultimate goal. When those kinds of distractions beckon this week, don’t ignore them. (You can’t.) Instead, indulge them, briefly. When it’s time to get back to your real goal, you’ll know. That’s when the current will finally flow in the direction you intend. Hop back in your boat and paddle like mad.





Aries (March 21-April 19)


This week, shed some outdated habits of mind. Let’s say you figured out ten years ago that you don’t like cauliflower, to use a rather mundane example, and so you never bothered revisiting that idea. If you did, you might discover that your relationship to that vegetable has changed entirely. Of course, many or even most of the things you figured out in past chapters will still hold true today—but not all of them. The only way you can figure out which ideas about yourself have changed (in other words which doors are open to you now that weren’t before) is to test all of them, again.





Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Don’t slide from hard-nosed realism into irredeemable pessimism, Taurus. I like that you’re slightly cynical, and don’t waste tons of time on fanciful daydreams that’ll never come true, or belaboring “what might have been.” However, you’re currently teetering on the brink of becoming such a hardcore pessimist that you might have trouble ever being truly happy again, or, worse, allowing those around you to be happy. Don’t become a chronic balloon-popper. Start by leaving at least a few of your hopes afloat. Sure, many of your recent dreams have crashed and burned. What you don’t know is that no one else is shooting them down; it’s been you, all along. That, my dear, is a terrible and depressing habit. Please quit.



Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Mercury starts doing the retro moonwalk this week. As usual, that means you’re going to have to roll with numerous screw-ups and glitches you can do nothing about. Don’t get frustrated. While your power to mitigate or eliminate the hazards and obstacles you’re presented with this week is limited or nonexistent, that doesn’t mean there’s nothing you can do. Not every problem needs to be solved. Some just need to be endured, or, if possible, enjoyed. Wielding a sense of humor, for example, can help you get through any number of otherwise stressful and confounding situations. Try it.





Cancer (June 21-July 22)

A woman in Brazil gave birth to her own twin grandchildren last month. Her daughter was having trouble having children, so she offered to be a surrogate for her. This loving (and yes, slightly odd) gesture was probably beyond the call of motherly duty. Having said that, you’re likely to be called upon this week to deliver more than is strictly your responsibility, though probably not someone else’s babies. I hope you rise to the occasion, anyway, although you’re certainly under no obligation. However, you’ve often leaned on people often in the past, right? This, then, is your chance to make it up to them.





Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

For someone so popular and outgoing, you’re lonely an awful lot. Part of the problem is you may need more attention than some, but a lot of it is that you keep playing other people’s weird social games and losing. Your game is the only one worth playing, since it’s the only one you’ll probably ever excel at. Eventually, you’ll have to figure out how to make everyone else’s games fit inside yours. In the meantime, do what hardly anyone does: review your game’s rules and strategies. Make sure they’re fair and, of course, fun.





Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

This week, treat yourself. You Virgos are notorious about denying yourselves joy (or finding reasons to delay it). I don’t presume to know what will really float your boat these days (you guys take pleasure in the oddest things) but I’m not here to judge your quirky eccentricities; what I’d like to do is simply convince you to allow yourself to indulge in them. Because of your ruling planet, Mercury, going into retrograde this week, and generally screwing with even your most efficient and thoughtful plans of action, it’s a good time to let your usually hyper-busy agenda slide a little in order to allow for a few random pleasures to slip in. Try it. How can you not enjoy it? That’s sort of the whole point.

Sign Language

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Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Of course, you get as many chances to start over as you can create, but there are certain times of year when those fresh beginnings are more likely to work out. Next week is one, thanks to the New Moon in your sign. Old grudges can finally be put to rest. This opportunity to begin again is good, but not necessarily lengthy. So this week set yourself up well: get rid of baggage that’d hold you back or slow you down, and put yourself in a good position to make the leap to wherever you’d like to go next. Don’t miss this chance, and don’t say you weren’t warned!



Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

I’d wager that the vast majority of professions people end up in aren’t things they fantasized about doing in their youths. Who dreams of being a middle-management cubical inhabitant, a gravedigger, a tobacco spokesman or any number of other less-than-glamorous and/or morally ambiguous jobs? This is not to say that we should all be miserable. But I’m worried: Have you given up on all your childhood dreams? Perhaps there’s one that’s still actually achievable. If you aren’t already actively pursuing it, start this week.



Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Can you be like India? Westerners have been going to India for more than two centuries, yet it’s somehow preserved its cultural identity remarkably well. It has a way of absorbing various influences and making them indisputably Indian, while other countries’ cultures can be quickly subsumed by the cultural and economic forces wielded by Western society. I want you to be like that: take everything on, absorb everything, and make it your own. Can you be absolutely open to every last thing that comes your way, and yet not forget exactly who you are? This week, try.



Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Make awkward tension a new acquired taste. Why not? It’s a frequent part of your week. While it may be more comfortable to simply avoid the people with whom you create those nervous sparks, sometimes that’s just not possible. Don’t just grit your teeth and get through these encounters, though. Go one step further: learn to enjoy them. Look at the situation from the outside. There’s probably humor (and possibly pathos) in it. Once you can see that, you might delight in those awkward encounters, and even look forward to them. Of course, don’t enjoy them too much, or they might cease to be awkward at all.



Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

According to The Church of Google (thechurchofgoogle.org), Google is God or the closest thing to it. Googlists contend “She” is practically omniscient, omnipresent, immortal, infinite, and prayer-answering, among other things. While on the surface their contention is preposterous, I’m impressed by their ability to see things in a new way, and by their surprisingly reasonable arguments, which make Google’s status as God easier to prove than any other God’s. Turn whatever you’re obsessing about on its head this week. Toss it around until it looks like something totally different. You’re not likely to invent a new god, but you could be lucky enough to found a new minor cult.



Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

You’re commonly regarded as the most changeable of signs. Wrong. That’s an illusion. While there’s no question that you often suck at making up your mind, and you’re prone to second-guess virtually everything you ever do, those are all superficial traits. Beneath that ever-shifting surface, you’re actually extremely unlikely to change much very quickly. Perhaps your indecisiveness makes your personal evolution very slow and careful. There’s nothing wrong with that; in fact, it’s likely to give this week’s special guests comfort: That makes you someone they can count on. Pull aside the curtain of your wishy-washy outer persona and reveal the solid and dependable person beneath it. Most folks will like what they see.



Aries (March 21-April 19)

Stepping up and taking any kind of leadership role frequently puts a target on your back. People who were too chickenshit to take charge are often only too eager to criticize what you’re up to—behind your back or in your face. That, my dear, is the price you’ve got to pay for having the guts to proudly advocate what you believe in. Don’t bitch and moan about it. Those people are too lame to matter much in the end; while most critiques ought to be at least considered, don’t let theirs drag you down or keep you from doing what you always intended to do.



Taurus (April 20-May 20)

You’re going to need an especially astute eye this week, when it comes to judging people. Everyone has their filters and their baggage. Put whatever they’re saying into that context. A complaint from someone you know to be levelheaded, reasonable and positive ought to naturally be given a lot more weight and credence, don’t you think? You don’t necessarily like to judge people, but you’re good at it, and this week—it’s your job.



Gemini (May 21-June 20)

There are so many things you enjoy. The problem is there’s simply not enough time in the day for you to really get into all of them. Some are just going to have to fall by the wayside. How do you decide? Lately it’s been more random chance and opportunity than anything else, but this week’s a good one to make your decisions at least slightly more conscious. What makes you happiest? What’s most likely to advance your dreams? What will bring the most joy, inspiration, and excitement to the most people, including yourself? Don’t let random fate steer you. Steer yourself.



Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Although you’re ready to offer your support and allegiance to one side or another of a conflict, you may be shocked and dismayed to find that they’re just not interested. In terms of this conflict, you don’t matter, and what’s more—your involvement is simply unwelcome. In other words, butt out, and don’t make a big drama about it. They’re not you. While you might appreciate the love and support offered by your friends, these guys would rather just work this out on their own, without their well-meaning friends nosing in on the action. Bite your tongue, turn the other cheek, and get on with your life.



Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

What you wouldn’t give for a personal assistant! Then you could focus on the big ideas that excite you and let him take care of all the little shit you despise wasting time and energy on. Dream on. Until you’re rich enough to hire one, you’re on your own, which means you’ve got to divide your time between the bold fantasies you adore and the mundane details which keep your life from falling apart. Many Leos err on the side of too much dreaming and too little doing, and get so bogged down in neglected details that their dreams become even less achievable. Don’t be one of those. This week’s a good one to take steps—both big dramatic ones and careful tiny ones—towards becoming one of those impressive, accomplished Leos who can afford to hire help. Don’t let the week go by without taking them.





Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)


Leos may avoid nitpicky details like the plague. You embrace them. You may not love it, but you’re damn good at it. What worries me is your diminishing view of the big picture. Leos never lose sight of their grandiose hopes and dreams, but they forget to do stuff like wash dishes and buy people birthday presents. You have the opposite problem: you’re so busy tying up loose ends that you lose sight of your biggest and best aspirations. This week, tear down the virtual wallpaper of To-Do lists obscuring your view of those brilliant fantasies; at least a glimpse of them is long overdue.

Sign Language

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Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

You’re lucky enough to have people you can depend on. But there’s a difference between leaning on them when you’re in need and taking them for granted. You might be in danger of erring on the self-indulgent side and counting on your friends to be more forgiving and generous than the call of duty demands. They’d probably still give you what you’re asking for, but they’d resent you for it. Counter any mistakes you may have made in this direction by brainstorming ways you can give back to all the people who’ve been there for you. It shouldn’t be that hard; in many cases, a heartfelt “thank you” would do the trick.





Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Are you one of those Scorpios who can dish it out but not take it? For someone with such a potent sting, you sure are thin-skinned sometimes. Someone gives you a dose of your own poison/medicine and you’re screwed. That’s probably why you avoid—like the plague—most people who actually remind you of you. However, there’s tons you could learn from your dangerous kindred spirits. This week, try to get to know one. Sure, there’s risk involved, but you’ll learn what many of us already know: the thrill of that danger is half the fun!



Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Some people think Sagittarians aren’t territorial, because many of you move around or travel so frequently. Actually, you’re quite fastidious about whatever space you’ve marked out for yourself. It’s just that this so rarely pertains to the physical world; usually it’s some mental territory you regard as sacrosanct, and woe to whosoever dares set foot there. Sags can put down perceived intruders so fast they don’t know what hit them. Fine. You have a right to defend your turf. The problem is, since it’s purely metaphorical sacred ground, we don’t exactly know where its borders are. This week, should someone trod upon it, give them half a chance to beat a swift retreat. It’s only fair, and nine out of ten trespassers will—no drama necessary.





Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Don’t bother with subtlety this week. The sly wink that would usually let people know that you’re in on the game will almost certainly be missed. What would be hilarious to anyone in the know becomes offensive when they’re left in the dark, and can lead to major drama you have no time or energy for. Either skip the clever shenanigans altogether for a while, or spell them out a little more obviously. Sure, that robs them of some of their humor, but nevertheless that’s loads better than the alternative; at least you’re still soliciting laughter, not anger.





Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)


In your mind, the truth is a mighty weapon, a holy, glowing sword that can cut through all kinds of bullshit and cast a revealing light on any situation. In reality, the truth is powerful, but not all-powerful. There are those who wield deception and illusion in ways that reduce the truth to a toy light saber, easy to deny and ignore. That’s why you need to develop more tools in your arsenal to fight the good fight. I’m not asking you to cultivate deceit, and truth will certainly always be your best tool—but having a few other tricks up your sleeve will make things more likely to go your way—which, my dear, is what we all want.





Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Some people get this idea that you’re phenomenally confident and powerful, simply because of this aura you’re able to project (and of course because of your many talents). Few realize just how sensitive (and often insecure) you actually are. This is one of the quintessential quandaries of Pisces-hood. People are drawn to you because of one aspect of yourself, and bewildered by another you who’s completely different than they expected. Reconciling these two apparently contradictory sides of your personality is going to be a challenge your entire life. However, that said, this week you ought to be able to actually move them just a couple of steps closer together.



Aries (March 21-April 19)

I wish that simply pouring your heart out in an honest and vulnerable way would always get you what you want. It’s such a sweet and amazingly sexy quality of yours. But, as you know, even your most heartfelt truth sometimes falls on deaf ears. What’s more, it’s occasionally been the subject of ridicule, which naturally has made you reluctant to give it another go any time soon. I hope, however, that you can overcome that reluctance this week, because opening the floodgates and spilling some honest, unedited truth is exactly what this situation needs. And, bonus: this time, at least, it’s quite likely to get you exactly what you wished for.





Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Sometimes you get to play the glamorous role of punching bag. I know this sucks, but it’s part of the price you pay for surrounding yourself with such fascinating and volatile people. Luckily, you can take whatever they dish out, and then some. You’re not likely to be thrown into a downward spiral of self-hate by a few rounds in the boxing ring. Let those you love vent (to a point); it’s better they take out their frustrations with you, rather than someone who’d be crushed by them. However, there’s a difference between venting and out-and-out abuse. Know where that line is. If someone crosses it, nip that shit in the bud—for your sake, our sakes, and, of course, theirs.



Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Don’t take your duality to extremes. Things don’t have to be either one way or another. For instance, it’s a shame to completely sever an intimate relationship just because one or both of you is moving on. Presumably, you’ve both invested tons of time getting to know each other, and could still be valuable friends, even though you’re no longer having sex. Usually a comfortable new resting place for your changing relationship can be found somewhere on the spectrum between intimate sex partners and total strangers. All you have to do is look for it.





Cancer (June 21-July 22)

This week starts with Wednesday’s Aries Full Moon, which is likely to either kick your ass or rev you into high gear, depending on how ready for it you are. Imagine yourself standing in the ocean, being battered by waves. If you’re not paying attention, a six-footer could easily knock you off your feet and drag you into deep water. But if you’re ready for it, you’ve got several options: you could ride it for a thrill, duck under it if you’re not in the mood for conflict, or just stand your ground, feet firmly planted, and let it roll over you. You like options, right? This week, stay alert and you’ll have them.





Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

You’re no backstabber. If you’re going to do someone in, you’ll usually do it to their face, with lots of warning. Leos rarely strike without loudly roaring first. People know when you’re gunning for them. That doesn’t cut into your potential scariness, because you’re still pretty ferocious and badass. But it does occasionally cut into your effectiveness. People have time to prepare for your fury to rain down upon them. This week, access one of the other big cats I know you have lurking inside you. Crouch down in the tall grass and stalk your enemy for once. I suspect you’ll be pleased at the results.





Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Let’s not forget the dark side of being a Virgo. While you guys have this great (and well-deserved) reputation for being generous, selfless and energetically helpful, you also have a sinister talent for being extremely manipulative. The thing is, you’re so good at it that most people don’t have a clue you’re doing it. Lately, you’ve gotten some idea of the kind of power you’re unwittingly wielding, and now I’m worried that it’s gone to your head. This week, check your motivations. Usually, you manipulate people to do stuff that’s actually good for them. Can you honestly say your influence is that altruistic, or might it be more than a little selfish? If that’s the case, quit your voodoo hoodoo, right now—or it’ll come back and bite you in the ass.

Sign Language

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Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Take your own advice, damn it! You’re so intelligent and chock-full of wise counsel for your friends, but when it comes to yourself, you sometimes make astonishingly poor choices. I think the problem is you’re reluctant or unable to take the necessary step back from your own situation and view it with the dispassionate eye and perspective that’s necessary to see the big picture and make the right decision. Personally, I think you can separate yourself from the situation sufficiently to give yourself excellent advice, but if you really think you can’t—ask someone to do it for you. Choose the smartest person you know regarding this type of situation—someone who’s had a lot of success—and ask them what you should do. Then, by all means, regardless of your mixed emotions, do what they advise.





Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

For someone who’s so indecisive, you sure can be impatient. I’ve known Libras who suddenly decide they want a long-term lover (after ages of adamant singlehood) and get frustrated when one doesn’t magically appear. Of course, part of the problem when you’re impatient is you’re not actually doing that much differently than you did before, so the openings through which change could come are few and far between. You want something new in your life, you’ve got to throw open a few big barn doors, put down some bait and see what comes waltzing in. Mostly you’re going to get the neighborhood riff-raff and want to shoo it away with a broom, but if you’re alert and open to possibilities you might just get what you’re wishing for—much sooner than you would, otherwise.





Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)


“Solid as a rock,” is an almost meaningless phrase: According to modern physics, even stone is composed of mostly empty space. Most of what we perceive is actually a clever illusion, it turns out—one that our minds interpret in a certain way just so we can make some kind of sense of the world and operate within it. You know this, but sometimes you can let your beliefs in your own self-generated illusions really drag you down and keep you from doing what you really want to do. Come on, Scorpio. You have a talent for cutting through other people’s bullshit, right down to the bone. This week, try slicing through some of your own. Afterwards, you might discover you can walk through walls.





Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

When a plant thinks it might die, it bursts into bloom. It uses up most or all of its remaining energy to produce flowers, which will in turn produce seeds. I understand that this is a side effect of what it’s actually trying to accomplish—the survival of its species—but I love that the floral response to stress creates beauty. Can you do the same? Try it. The more stressed out you get, the harder you should try to generate some original beauty to share with the world. I reckon that will make you feel a whole lot better: Even if it doesn’t, it sure will make life nicer for the rest of us, and that can’t be a bad thing.





Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Just because you’ve walked quite a long ways down a certain path doesn’t mean you can’t switch routes and destinations now. Sure, you should be naturally reluctant to leave all that behind, but you shouldn’t let your reluctance keep you from ultimately doing it. As far as we know, this is your one shot, your one life, your one chance to be happy. One of your strengths is what I call stick-to-itiveness, but that can also be a weakness, if you’re sticking to something (or someone) that makes you unhappy. Go ahead and think long and hard about your options before you give up something you’ve invested time and energy in. But there may come a time when it’s time to jump ship or go down with it (or just sail on, miserably). Hopefully you have the guts to do what you’ve got to do.





Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

The reason you’re likely to obsess over ridiculous emotional bullshit is because you have too much free time inside your head. If you were busy solving the world’s problems, you wouldn’t have the opportunity to make yourself (and some of the people around you) nuts. Your brilliance can and should be put to good use, not this endless mental masturbation about things you can’t figure out or resolve. Ignore your own problems this week, as much as possible. Turn your attention to other people’s, and solving them. They’ll be grateful and feel better, and—weirdly enough—so will you.





Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

It’s just in line with your endlessly complex and self-contradicting nature that you are usually the most beloved among your friends, and also the one who causes the most aggravation, confusion or frustration. We can’t help but like you; you’re so sweet and cuddly. But that’s not a blank check to just ride on your cuteness. You frustrate us because you’re the most talented person we know, and you’re doing the least with your talents. Exercise your brilliance or it’ll get soft and flabby. This week, if you can’t summon the motivation to do it for your own benefit, do it for us.





Aries (March 21-April 19)

Tastes change. Yours certainly do. Remember that song you were so gung ho about three years ago? You’re cringing in embarrassment about that now. That bore you dated for so long is someone your friends are forbidden to even mention these days. Of course, some bands and people are in your life for the long haul. It’s just hard to tell in the moment how you’ll feel about them in years to come. Luckily, this week you should have an easier time telling whether whoever or whatever you’re currently enthusiastic about is a short-term fad or an instant classic.





Taurus (April 20-May 20)

I don’t know if it’s true, but many of my massage therapist friends talk about how people “store” emotions in different parts of their body, creating isolated tension or even long-term problems. I reckon it’s an idea worth exploring, especially because you Bulls are notorious for holding certain emotions back and not expressing them. Where did they go? This week, turn hunter. Track down your lost and repressed feelings wherever they might be hiding—not to shoot down and kill them, but to capture and release them somewhere they’re free to roam without hurting anyone (especially you).





Gemini (May 21-June 20)

You’ve probably noticed already that sometimes things happen in threes. You’re especially prone to notice triplets of this kind this week. A smart Gemini might be able to find some way to take advantage of this—by cashing in on the opportunities, or avoiding the negative stuff. You can’t be sure that something you experience will be echoed twice more, or what forms those echoes will take, but why not take a stab at putting yourself in (or out of, as the case may be) their path? If you’re lucky, it might be the best thing you do this year.





Cancer (June 21-July 22)

I wish I could tie you up and spank you—and not to be kinky! I’m pissed because you know that one of the choices you’re making is really wrong for you. It’s not even that pleasurable, yet you’re making it nevertheless! Is it a desire for self-destruction? What’s it going to take to make you quit abusing yourself with your own actions? The world is harsh enough without your adding to your own burdens. Can you stop yourself, please? And if you can’t, will you please find someone who will?





Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Sometimes a really good email message accidentally gets sorted into your junk mail folder, and you have to sort through all the penis enlargement and Viagra bullshit to find it. That happens to certain people, too. You meet them and for whatever reason, your brain files them in a category where they don’t belong—and one you don’t invest much time in. This week you may have a chance to discover that what looked like a bit of bogus “LOTTERY WINNER” spam, in human form, is actually the real thing. Take a chance and open it up.

Sign Language

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Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

When I was a kid, I was entranced by the ads in the backs of comic books I read. Of course I wanted x-ray glasses, a hovercraft, a frog with transparent skin, and a tank full of sea monkeys who would make funny faces and perform tricks. I never ordered any of these, which means I never had to face the disappointment of shattered expectations. This week, you might be exactly as disappointed as a kid who doesn’t get the magical make-believe thing you thought was real. I’m sorry. The question is: can you be as resilient as a child, and go on believing that the real thing’s out there, you just haven’t found it yet?





Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)


Hedonism is a valid life path. I heartily condone the steadfast pursuit of pleasure as your highest priority. Problems only arise when your definition of pleasure is too shallow, unimaginative, or petty, or relies on others’ unhappiness. You’re not guilty of that, are you? Pursue pleasure. That’s part of who you are. But please opt and aim for pleasures of the deepest and most richly positive variety, ones that not only make your life more vivid, intense, and rewarding, but others’ lives as well. Blaze us a trail through hedonism to enlightenment, Libra. We’ll follow.



Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Your fantasies are dangerous. Having such a compelling and engaging imagination is both blessing and curse (often both at the same time). Many of us envy your inner world, and lots of people vie to be part of it. You’re lucky enough to be able to dive into them whenever you wish. That, of course, is a double-edged sword. Pisceans may wallow in drugs as escape from reality. Virgos use work. All you need is your imagination and your ability to manifest it in the real world. That’s dangerous. This week, run with your imagination, of course, but double-check that you’ve got the reins firmly in hand.





Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)


Beware of too much of a good thing. It might be a good idea to limit your access to some of the best things in life this week, in order to prevent a major overdose that could leave you more or less allergic to them for months to come. Who doesn’t love ice cream, or a nice cold beer, or hot fudge? Drowning in any of those things, however, would be a particularly unpleasant death. I doubt the good things in your life will kill you this week, but they might kill your taste for them, if you’re not careful.





Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

You look down scornfully upon people who are as changeable as the weather. However, you’re like the climate that never changes. If you were weather you’d be rain that goes on for days, without pause, or snow that buries houses, or sun that scorches everything, relentlessly brutal, without a cloud in sight. Do you see where I’m going with this? Being reliable is one thing; being rigid, another. Are people drowning in or being scorched by your “reliability?” Bend, already. Let it rain, snow, or shine—whatever it hasn’t been doing lately.





Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)


I tend to regard Aquarians as mostly pragmatic and levelheaded. Then they’ll shock me by uttering phrases like, “It wasn’t meant to be.” Do you really believe in destiny? Has free will been thrown by the wayside, in favor of God or the universe or someone else determining what will or won’t happen to you? I desperately hope not. While I agree there often seem to be signs pointing us in one direction over another, I would emphatically argue that it’s our decisions that carry the most weight. Don’t forget that. I’m worried you’re about to.





Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Good morning, Sleeping Beauty. In truth I envy your ability to sleep and sleep. But I also worry. Aren’t you wasting time? Don’t get me wrong. I am not suggesting that you should get even one minute less shut-eye. I’m just reminding you that one of your great strengths is dreaming. Are you using it? Do you remember your dreams? Are you getting enough out of them? Sleeping’s not just for the body, you know. Your mind and soul need rejuvenation, too. Can you carry at least some of the ideas, inspiration, and hilarity of your dream world into your waking life? This week, please try.





Aries (March 21-April 19)


Beautiful is ephemeral and fleeting. However, there are also many different incarnations of it. As the bloom of your youth fades, don’t spend too much time mourning it. There’s a cycle here, and an opportunity to create new kinds of beauty, ones that stretch your conception of the word and challenge others to do the same. Each iteration of beauty could be more lovely and complex than the one before—that is, if you don’t spend too much time lamenting the loss of whatever you had before, instead of using the imagination required to bring you and yours into bloom, again, and again, and again.



Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Superficially, at least, you’re not scared of much. That stone-faced exterior has earned you the trust of so many friends, who view you as their rock, their steady, reliable, unshakeable friend. That’s also lead to one unfortunate side effect: you’re hesitant or unable to share the few things you are afraid of. Your friends are lucky; they know what a relief it is to share their anxieties with someone else. You’re stuck carrying yours all by your lonesome. That can’t and shouldn’t continue. Don’t be embarrassed to admit your fears, even if they sound pathetic when said out loud. Most fears do—that’s part of the beauty of sharing them. Out loud your worries are puny. Inside they can (and will) reach monstrous proportions. Don’t let that happen.





Gemini (May 21-June 20)


There are no sweet talkers in the zodiac to compare with you, Gemini. Sure, Scorpios can whisper poisonous truths that make people crazy, and there’s nothing quite like the sharp tongue of an angry Aries, but your silver tongue had power to match theirs and more. Your speech is prehensile, like the long, skinny tail of a monkey. It can slide under metaphorical doors and unlatch them from the inside. That, in fact, is exactly what you ought to use it for this week. Nothing’s impossible, given the right words. Remember that. Also remember that if anyone can find and use them correctly, it’s you.





Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Some Cancers do this thing when they’re having a good time: they anticipate its end. While I appreciate that you’ve learned the lesson that everything changes, I’m afraid you took the wrong thing out of it. Sure, things can’t stay great (or terrible, for that matter) forever. However, that transience is a reason to maximize your enjoyment of a beautiful moment, rather than tense up in anticipation of its conclusion (which can often hasten it, by the way).  Take a deep breath. Shake out your bad habits regarding pleasure and good luck. Now, this week and the rest, do your best to enjoy them—all the more so because they’ll eventually end.





Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Give something back. Leos are frequently lavishly generous, but I’m afraid you can have the habit, when you’re not paying attention, of being unthinkingly selfish, or failing to notice exactly how much someone else does for you, or you take for granted. This week, exercise your famous generosity by giving something meaningful back. This means something more than buying them a book or taking them out to dinner—though there’s nothing wrong with those things as well. However, it’s time you really put some thought and effort and time into whatever you decide to give. Everyone knows how much you already value those. This week, please share them.

Sign Language

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Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

One of my favorite Virgos was born on September 11th, decades before it became infamous in 2001. Now her birthday is completely eclipsed. I reckon she ought to change it, just as you should do what you can to escape whatever’s keeping you from having a special day of your own. Virgos suck at taking time for themselves, and you’re so unstintingly generous that it’s hard for us to get a good deed in edgewise. Let us give you a day (at least) that’s devoted to your happiness and wellbeing. A birthday is a convenient and familiar excuse to do just that, so make sure (by whatever means) yours falls on a day when nothing else will get in the way.



Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

You haven’t lost your game, though it may feel like it. It’s just that your ruling planet (Venus) is in retrograde, moving backwards and fouling up even your most tried-and-true techniques for charming people and getting things done. Luckily, Venus is set to pull out of that depressing slump on the 7th, and all your old tricks should start working again (assuming they ever did)—if, that is, you haven’t let self-doubt settle in under your skin. That would botch all your best-laid plans far more effectively than any measly astrological forces ever could.



Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

According to Biblical apocrypha, the Grigori were angels who rebelled against God. They had sex with humans (giving birth to giants called Nephilim) and taught people all the stuff that God wanted kept secret from them, like the arts of cosmetics and war. I understand why God might have wanted to keep his children innocent forever, but every kid needs a rebellious big brother or wild aunt who’ll teach him to smoke pot and listen to decent music. Some of you Scorpios, like the Old Testament God, can sometimes be a bit jealous regarding your partners, children, and even friends, and resent it when they’re exposed to things you don’t approve of. It is, however, inevitable. Resisting it will only lead to more rebellion. I suggest that even if you can’t exactly support and enable this kind of thing, at least get out of the way.



Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)


People who are able to perform prodigious feats of memory are occasionally simply quite gifted, but more often have simply mastered intelligent tricks that help their brains better retain long strings of information. You’ve relied on your natural talents more often than is wise, so you’ve failed to develop the kinds of skills that help less gifted people keep up. Imagine how much you could accomplish if you picked up a few of those kinds of tricks, ones that might magnify or build upon the talents you’ve already got. This week, see if you can learn a few.



Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Most of the people you know respect you. Most of them probably like you, too, but how many of them know you like them? How many actually feel close to you? I know you’re a private (and busy) person, but do yourself (and the rest of us) a kindness and open up a little this week, would you? It’s not necessary for success, nor even, necessarily, for your happiness (though I’d bet it’d make your life feel richer). However, can you deny that it would raise the sum total of joy in the lives of those around you? I think it would, and there’s no good reason to deny them that, is there?



Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

What if children were taught to truly value difference, creativity, and independent thought? They are, superficially, but the underlying lessons they learn are more about conformity and toeing the line (Remember: “Which of these things is not like the other? Which of these things does not belong?”). Imagine how great it might be if both cooperation and extreme individuality were widely encouraged and celebrated, rather than an emphasis being placed on “fitting in.” “Normal” and “average” are boring. This week, do what you can to make sure the extraordinary and unusual get the kind of validation they deserve.



Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Sometimes being sick isn’t such a bad thing. Having a cold, for instance, can be an excuse to wallow in bed, play hooky from work, and do the things you really want to do, guilt-free. Some Pisces even make themselves sick simply to acquire such an excuse. This, however, shouldn’t be necessary. Being a Pisces should be excuse enough. You simply need occasional periods of intense downtime, and you shouldn’t have to make yourself physically ill to get them. Do what you’ve got to do to get what you need, but surely there’s a way without resorting to such extreme measures. This week, see if you can find it.



Aries (March 21-April 19)

You can’t quantify love, and asking those who care about you to do so just isn’t fair. I know sometimes you simply want some kind of proof that people really give a shit, but pushing them to extremes so they’ll “prove it,’ is a terribly bad idea. Asking for sacrifices as demonstration of fidelity was petty and horrible even when the Old Testament God did it; how much better do you think it would make you look? Loads of love is about trust and faith, and if you really require proof of that, consider the possibility that maybe you’re simply looking for love in the wrong places.



Taurus (April 20-May 20)

True courage is doing whatever’s right regardless of whether anyone will know about it. True generosity is the same; giving a gift with an expectation of anything—even a thank you—isn’t quite as altruistic as giving one anonymously, so the beneficiary would never even know where it came from. How well-rooted are your principles? Studies about altruism show that for most people doing what’s right often depends on whether or not other people will know about or acknowledge it. This week, try to do the right thing in a way that takes social factors out of the equation. Make praise, recognition, and appreciation irrelevant. Now what will you do?



Gemini (May 21-June 20)

It’s one thing to live in the moment, Gemini, but it’s another thing to fail to prepare for your own future. I don’t even mean specifics, necessarily; I mean that some of you are in denial about one of life’s basic truths: everything changes. You won’t be able to continue on as you have indefinitely, whether it comes to your sex or love life, your job, your looks. Even your habits will have to change. A smart Gemini plans for this. She gives herself some options. Have you done the same for yourself? If not, devote this week to coming up with some good ones.



Cancer (June 21-July 22)


You’ve heard of taking things one day at a time. Sometimes, though, even that’s too much. You might have to resort to taking things one minute at a time, or even one second at a time. Concentrate on visualizing yourself on the other side of whatever miserable mud-pit your find yourself in, and just slog through it without looking too closely at just how much misery lies between you and that distant end-point. How much can you handle? A second? A minute? Then take that on, and worry about the next minute when you have to. Eventually, you will get to the other side.



Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

I used to read 3-5 books a week, but in recent years, I’ve slowed down, so now I only read 3-5 books a month. I miss it, especially since my book-buying habits haven’t slowed down as much as my reading habits; I now have a towering stack of books waiting to be read. Your mental habits or proclivities have also recently diverged from what you actually do in real life. Whether it’s a stack of unused condoms, unanswered emails, or unread books that’s starting to haunt you, a change is necessary. Maybe you need to make room for your old habits, or else acknowledge that other things have really and truly shown up to take their place. Either way, see what you can do this week to bring your real life back into synch with your mental one.

Sign Language

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Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

A vegan Virgo friend finished a round-the-world trip and discovered she was host to several insect larvae—worms coiled beneath her skin, slowly turning into winged insects. To get rid of them, she had to coat the area in pig lard, which would compel the worms to poke their heads out, at which point they could be tugged free. Her revulsion for the parasitic larvae easily outweighed her powerful distaste for pig lard (she was a vegan, remember). To get rid of the undesirables living under your skin, you may also have to overcome your own personal tastes and do things you find repulsive or uncomfortable this week.





Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

You’re not exactly suffering through a jail sentence, though it may feel like that at times. Luckily, like most prison terms, this situation has an end date, too. Have faith that it will come and that you’re drawing closer to it every day. Also, bear in mind that just like many sentences of imprisonment, this unpleasant situation can be shortened dramatically by exhibiting extremely good behavior. And if it’s really and truly unbearable, consider this: a prison break is always possible. Just be sure you take into account the potential consequences of such a drastic measure before you give it a go.





Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

If the zodiac formed a royal court, Leos would of course be the kings and queens, Capricorns the powerful Machiavellian advisors, Aries the royal jesters and Scorpios would be the most powerful of all: the royal consorts. The most frantic string pulling of those Capricorn puppet masters can’t compare to your whispered pillow talk, so there’s no reason to feel threatened or jealous or compete for the kinds of power others control. You’ve got your own brand of might and influence, and it’s just as effective (or more so) than the kinds wielded by everyone else (and, despite the bit about pillow-talk, it’s not all about sex).





Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Sagittarians are typically solo adventurers, but I think you’re truly at your best when you hitch your wagon to someone else’s. When your worldview expands to include others, you grow and excel in ways you couldn’t even imagine before. Whatever it is that inspires you to include others in your exploits (common reasons include falling in love or having kids), I’m excited for you. You’d never otherwise know just how incredibly creative and resourceful you can actually be. It may be easier to go it solo, but life’s richer when you’re part of a team.





Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Who gives a word its meaning, ultimately? Most likely it’s a kind of mass-scale collaboration in which both influence the other, back and forth. How a tool—be it a word or anything else—is used is just as important as what it was originally intended for. Don’t let anyone else completely define for you what something is, how it’s to be used, or what role it’s supposed to play in your life. You’ve got the power to change every facet of your existence, from words to tools to your relationships with other people. The best part is you won’t just be changing them for yourself—everyone is likely to benefit from the new definitions you come up with.





Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)


We’re probably too selfish, in general, to do what has to be done. We all know the kind of danger we’re in due to all the shit we’re collectively throwing at our poor beleaguered home, but we’re only willing to go so far in terms of compromising our lifestyles, even when it means the difference between saving and dooming ourselves. You’re just as guilty as most of the rest of us; in this case you know what needs to be done and exactly how far you personally have to go in order to be effective at all. This week, please decide: Will you go that far? If not, don’t bother going anywhere at all. There’s no point.





Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

A lot of life is accidental, isn’t it? We navigate through our existences with the best of intentions, but only a fraction of those actually see fruition. The rest of life is the stuff that happens to us that we can’t predict, or things we do without thinking or meaning to. Obviously, you can’t completely control your life. But I reckon you could exert a tiny bit more influence on which directions it takes. 49% of your life may always be made up of things you can’t control or anticipate but this week, do what you need to do to ensure that 51% of it is composed of things you consciously choose.





Aries (March 21-April 19)

You’re not especially known for your wise investments. Usually, you spend money fairly whimsically when you have it and suffer through the hard times when you’re less flush. Continuing as you have been is certainly a viable option, but if there’s some reason to change your relationship with money (if someone you love desperately wants you to, for example) this is a good week to do it.





Taurus (April 20-May 20)

You occasionally resist change simply out of habit. Sometimes you dig in your heels so hard that you actually keep things more or less as they are out of sheer stubbornness. Once in a while, you may regret this. Not all change is bad, despite your usual initial reaction to it. Once in a while, a big change could be an extremely good thing. That’s likely to be the case this week. If change comes, do all you can to embrace it, even though it may fill you with anxiety and frustration at first. Rejecting it would be something you would kick yourself for later.





Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Being bombarded with as much information as you typically take in is fine most of the time, but bad for your soul and general morale in the long term. It’s important to periodically take a media and technology diet. Spare a week from your life in which your cell phone stays off and you shun any technology more advanced than a fridge or a light bulb. Take yourself to a past century and enjoy only the news you hear from your neighbors. Read. Hang out with people who are actually in the room with you. I predict the first few days of your media diet will be a struggle, but by the end of your week away from the insanity you’ll be vowing to repeat the experience every year.





Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Family is important to you, of course, but is your definition of family broad enough? Limiting it to people who are related to you by blood or marriage would severely impoverish your life. Who are the people who’ve been there for you, and will be? They’re your family. Your blood relatives might be assholes, after all. Who are the people you’ll helplessly love forever? Those people are your family, whether or not they share your name or genes. This week, make sure they know it and this year, remodel your life so it truly reflects it.





Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

You’re making the wrong wishes, Leo. How do I know? It’s because every time one of your desires is fulfilled, you’re still dissatisfied. That’s because many of your dreams and wants have been thrust upon you—by clever advertisements, compelling lovers or other circumstances. It may be a noble and mostly good idea to embrace the things your lover or boss wants for you—but not so completely that you forget your own wishes and fantasies. This week, make sure your heart’s true desires get the same time and attention you give to your adopted goals.


Sign Language

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Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

We humans are more instinctual creatures than you think. Most of us, many times a day, respond to various stimuli without really thinking about it. We often react unconsciously to people based on their appearance, scent, and so on, rather than their intentions or actions. Your problem is you expect everyone to be as rational as you are, and to not act like the animals we essentially are. Unfortunately, that’s simply not the case. Follow the lead of certain politicians this week—when reasoned arguments won’t get you what you want, play to their basest instincts instead.





Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Some things simply can’t be easily undone. You can get an embarrassing tattoo removed, for instance, but the process is imperfect, painful, and expensive. Undoing a break-up can be all of those and more. Un-quitting a job is almost never possible. Of course it’s consequences like that which are often at the root of your indecisiveness, but not in the way you think. Because certain decisions are virtually irreversible, you start to dither over all decisions as if they were. This one, however, is not. Sure, there’ll be consequences either way, but nothing you can’t live with or work around. So get to it: make up your mind.





Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)


Do you believe in soulmates, Scorpio? Or are you already too cynical to embrace the concept? Is there really some special person out there with whom you’d be perfectly compatible, throughout your lives? Let’s assume it’s possible, for the sake of argument. What, then, are your chances of finding your “other half?” And what about all those lovely people you’re 80-95% compatible with? Is it really worth rejecting them because they don’t quite live up to this ideal imaginary perfect partner (who may not even exist)? Only you can answer those questions, and while you’re at it, ask yourself this: Ultimately, is your belief (or lack thereof) in a soulmate helping or hurting you?





Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

What you’re feeling must, this week, play second fiddle to what you’re doing. It doesn’t matter whether you’re euphoric or exhausted, angry or mournful, miserable or horny. Expressing yourself, in this case, is futile. You’ve just got to do what you’ve got to do, and your long-term situation has to take precedence over your short-term one. The bad news is you may have to ignore or set aside how you’re feeling, for the moment. The good news is that those feelings won’t last long, anyway, and once they’re gone, you’ll be immensely grateful (to yourself) that you didn’t make a huge stink about them.





Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)


The ever-changing big picture may be in remarkably clear focus for you, but some of your friends or colleagues might be surprisingly clueless. They’re apt to respond strongly to whatever sliver of the situation they’re privy to, with little awareness of how their actions might affect everyone else involved. Fill them in, or cut them off—whichever strategy will minimize the damage done by their blundering. It might seem harsh or condescending, but I promise—once they can see what you can see, they’ll be swooning with respect, admiration, and even gratitude to you, for keeping them in check.





Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

See those bulldozers rumbling towards your house and at least some of the things you love? Don’t bother lying down in front of them. They’ll just run over you. Squish, squish. While I admire your fortitude and bravery, they won’t do you much good. What’s needed here is patience, wiliness, and subterfuge, if you want your opposition to be even remotely effective. I choose to believe there’s a way you can triumph against the people and ideas you object to, but you have to wait for the right moment, and do exactly the right thing—preferably something that doesn’t involve putting yourself directly in harm’s way.





Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Resist the temptation to wallow. While staring at the wall and feeling very sorry for yourself is a wonderful way to spend the day, you lack the luxury of that kind of self-indulgent self-pity this week. Take five minutes right now to remember eleven brilliant things about your life, things you love. Even if they’re totally eclipsed by all the other shit you’ve got going on, focus on them anyway. If just coming up with eleven totally fantastic things to think about is a problem, you’ve really got to light a fire under your ass, because clearly you’ve been doing too much wallowing and not enough doing. Snap out of it. Time to get to work.





Aries (March 21-April 19)

Naturally, you despise feeling helpless. There is a certain liberty in it, however. Being able to let go and feel truly free is actually an enormous gift, and when there’s nothing you can do anyway, that’s an enormous opportunity. Stop railing against the inevitable. You’re just throwing away time and energy. What’s going to happen will happen regardless of what you do. Accept that, won’t you? It’ll be such a relief when you do, I promise. Besides, once you cease struggling against the things you have no power over, you’ll find you have tremendous energy for everything else.





Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Don’t destroy the things that are troubling you. They can’t be gotten rid of that easily, in any case. Rather than contemplating their destruction, consider their transformation. One man’s trash is another’s treasure, right? A problem for you might be a blessing for someone else. Transmute your troubles into treasures. Look for the people who’d eagerly and joyfully take them off your hands. They’re out there, believe it or not. You might be able to lovingly pawn off all your problems this way, but you should be able to ditch a few, making the ones you’re forced to hang on to that much easier to bear.





Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Give yourself a break. Get someone to put their arm around your shoulders, lend you a sympathetic ear, and then have yourself a good cry. After twenty minutes of sharing your misery with someone who’s willing to be there for you, you probably won’t have solutions to your problems, but I guarantee you’ll feel more able to tackle them, nevertheless. When was the last time you laid down your burdens? Too long ago, I’ll wager. This week, remove the world from your shoulders and set it down for a while. Ask someone to help you keep it from rolling away. Then relax as you haven’t for years. It’s overdue.





Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Usually, you feel safe and secure behind your crablike emotional shell, behind which almost no one ever gets to venture. Sometimes though, something happens to put a crack in it, and suddenly it’s like the curtains have been drawn back, and you’re standing there naked in fluorescent light, for all the world to see. But wait. Quit your frantic struggles to cover your bits. No one’s running away in horror. Hardly anyone’s laughing, either. Most people are looking at you with understanding and compassion. A few might even think you’re hot. Stop imagining negativity that isn’t there, and give yourself the acceptance, appreciation, and delight that others would give you, if you only gave them a chance.





Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Although superficially Leos can often seem high-maintenance, fragile, and even prissy, you’re actually arguably the strongest sign in the zodiac. When push comes to shove, you know how to stand your ground, and nothing can really knock you down for long. Remember that, even if you’re feeling weak and vulnerable. Don’t believe the tabloid-esque hype that’s flying around about you. You’re better than that. You don’t have to prove it to anyone else. Screw them, if they’re stupid enough to believe that shit. Proving it yourself, however—that might be a worthwhile use of your time.

Sign Language

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Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

You learned long ago that most things in life are colored in shades of grey (or various other hues), instead of pure black and white. Yet, you’ve never quite lost your taste for the clarity of clearly defined issues, intentions and boundaries. While you recognize that most people (including yourself) don’t fit neatly into one category or have just one feeling about something, it’s undeniably appealing when someone definitively makes their intentions clear, or something is obviously completely right or totally wrong for you. You’re in luck this week, because transparent intentions and stark contrasts galore are coming your way.





Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Prepare for sensory overload, Virgo. Even you famous multitaskers will be hard-pressed to keep up with your own lives this week. Astrologically, there’s so much happening that it’s impossible to pick what to write about. Most of it’s good, some of it’s more challenging (to put it mildly), but the point is that there’s just so much of it. It’s actually too much to wrap your head around or plan for. In fact, you’ll have the same problem I’m facing in formulating this horoscope: so much is happening that you’ll probably have trouble focusing on (and appreciating) any one thing.





Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)


Excellent writers, in my opinion, come in two basic varieties: some wow you with incredible writing that’s astonishingly beautiful, clever or surprising. Others just get out of the way of the stories they have to tell, and you find yourself totally immersed in the world they’ve created, not even noticing the writing, simply compelled to turn page after page. Storytelling is similar. Keep this in mind when you’re telling stories, even if you’re just talking about what you did last night. The more compelling you can be this week, either through your brilliance or your ability to get out of your own way, the happier everyone (including you) will be.





Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

When you spend a week at the beach, it’s virtually impossible to keep sand out of everything: it’s perpetually in your clothes, bed, food and all your cracks and crevices. This, effectively, is what’s happening to you. One tiny aspect of your life is infecting all the rest, so that every meal, dream and moment is flavored by it. There’s no easy solution for this, of course, besides leaving the oceanfront entirely, which would mean you’d also miss out on all the fun to be had there. However, you can take measures to make sure that sand (or its equivalent) has a minimal impact on your life. This week, I’d suggest you do so.





Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)


In order to get a better view of the big picture, you’ve climbed to the top of a very tall, skinny tree. Unfortunately, the gusty winds are tossing you this way and that and it’s all you can do to hang on for dear life. Consequently your supposedly better perspective only serves to make you dizzy, nauseous, and terrified. Don’t let this encourage you to climb down, put on blinders and focus only on the goal just ahead of you, as you may be inclined. While that’s certainly a valid temporary strategy at times, this isn’t one of them. You need to see what’s only visible from way up here. Hang on tight a little longer, and keep looking, all the way to the horizon.





Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)


Tolerance for incompetence and stupidity isn’t one of your fortes—nor should it be. Don’t let kindhearted Cancers or forgiving Pisces talk you into cutting these losers any slack. If they can’t cut it, cut them loose, despite what supposedly more compassionate sorts might think is the way to go. Sure, they might have untapped potential, but you don’t have time to wait for them to figure out how to access it, nor the energy to help them, so in actuality the kindest thing you can do is free them to find something they might already be good at or someone who actually has time to help them figure it all out.





Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

People do change, but so slowly and with so much backsliding along the way that it’s foolhardy to count on it. If being with someone is contingent upon them altering something about themselves or their behavior, forget about it, right now. They just won’t be able to do it in a timeframe that works for you, and expecting them to will only lead to bitterness and resentment and an unhappy ending for both of you. You need to decide right now, today: Can you live with them just as they are, even if they never succeed at becoming who you wish they’d be? If the answer is no, then get out and stop torturing yourself, and them.





Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Your main enemy this week is distraction. Something simple like cleaning out a drawer could lead to a million other tasks, until you find yourself at your neighbor’s house, chatting and sipping tea, while the drawer’s contents are strewn messily across your home, half the houseplants are watered, three bookshelves are dusted, a garbage bag is stalled on the front stoop on its way to the bins, a letter is half-written to a neglected friend, laundry  is mildewing in the washer, and a friend is still waiting to be called back. Messy, messy, messy. Avoid this kind of minor disaster by staying on task, even when something seemingly “more important” intrudes.





Aries (March 21-April 19)

People are impatient when it comes to transformation. Overweight people hope to become thin overnight, and unhealthy folks want to pop a pill and wake up in perfect condition. When it comes to not wanting to wait for change, you Rams are the worst. You’ve learned to apply patience in so many other areas of your life, especially regarding other people. When it comes to yourself, however, you’re impossibly demanding. Ambition is one thing, but no one could live up to your unreasonable expectations of yourself. Cut yourself some slack, and give yourself some time.





Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Do what you love, whether or not you’re good at it. If you do it with enough passion and enthusiasm, people will adore you for it, despite whatever shortcomings you have. I love singing, for example, even though I’m not especially good at it (fortunately I’m not tone deaf, either), and people usually good-naturedly put up with my frequent bursts of song even when they’re out of key. Your friends will do the same for you, because they’ll be happy to see you happy, right? This week, ask them to humor you rather than humiliate you when you try something you won’t necessarily be good at. Chances are, they will.





Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Add love to the world. This is something I reckon we all ought to be doing, all the time, but I want you to focus on it especially this week. Every minute of the day, in every situation this week, as often as you can remember, I want you to think, “How can I add love or joy to this situation?” Don’t be discouraged if your efforts seem to go unappreciated; this isn’t just about what you get back, and anyway, people aren’t necessarily used to loving and joyful activity while waiting in line at the DMV, or wherever you are. Trust that there will be a positive ripple effect, and what goes around will, eventually, come around.





Cancer (June 21-July 22)


It’s all about untying knots this week. You’re good at unraveling twisted tangles, but it’s frustrating when some of the knots you’re forced to undo are ones you spent a long time creating in the first place. Unfortunately, they’re keeping you from getting at tangles that are long overdue for loosening and freedom. It’s better not to use scissors, because keeping those connections between people is generally always a good thing, but don’t be afraid to make a strategic snip here or there if it’ll dramatically simplify your task. You can always re-tie the ones you’ve undone; if they’re meant to stay bound, they will.

Sign Language

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Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Every sign has its ruling planet, and yes, you’re ruled by the sun. That’s how amazing and badass you are. You get to own all that radiance and power this week, and embody it as only you can do, but please don’t let it go to your head. Humility is a virtue that’s sometimes hard for your average shining, brilliant Leo to master. You’ve at least grasped the basics, and it’d be a shame to lose your grip on those now; being humble could come in handy in the weeks to come—resulting, ironically, in more glory, attention, and adoration.


Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
End the internal debate at once. Sometimes you just have to make a decision, and resolve to simply live with the consequences. In this case, there are too many unknowns. Making a clear choice is just plain impossible; nothing’s the least bit obvious. Trying to factor all those variables into your plans would only make you nuts (or an unevolved Libra, endlessly dithering and never acting). It sucks to have to make a leap of faith while partially blindfolded, but let me assure you—it’s far better than not leaping at all. Let me also remind you: you almost always land on your feet, regardless of the mess you jump into. You will this time, too.


Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Don’t mess with success. I offer this trite cliché as valid advice, because your admirable ideas to shake things up and try something different will almost certainly backfire this week (making you doubt yourself even more than you already do). Save those great ideas and experiments for another week, when they’re more likely to succeed. For now, go with what you know. When in doubt, go retro. You don’t need to be cutting edge; your forte is being classy, not trendy. Why bother with the new when you can do the tried-and-true better than anyone you know?


Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Poor Pluto. First it was demoted to “dwarf planet” status, and recently scientists discovered that there are even bigger versions of those roaming the edges of our solar system. What does this mean, astrologically? From some perspectives it could indicate that Scorpio stock is way down, that what you have to offer is steadily losing value. But I think it’s actually indicative of a new era—a new way of being a Scorpio. Our society is sorely in need of fresh, revolutionary perspectives about sex and death—two of your primal foci. No one is more qualified to figure out how to take what we think and feel about our sexuality and mortality and turn it on its head.


Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
In Centralia, Pennsylvania, unpredictable subterranean coal fires have been burning for decades. A while back the government declared the place too dangerous for habitation and offered to buy residents’ houses. Nearly everyone moved; less than a dozen die-hards remain. I can’t explain why they stuck it out, except, perhaps, out of sheer stubbornness; surely practically everything they ever loved about the place must have vanished with the fleeing residents. Are you still inhabiting somewhere (perhaps an idea, a relationship, or a situation) that no longer resembles the place you moved into? Maybe it changed for the better, but if it got worse, isn’t it time you moved out, especially if there’s a good alternative deal on offer?


Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
You might prefer not to multi-task. In general, you might even prove to be more efficient when you focus on only one thing at a time. This week, however, that’s a luxury you can’t afford, as there are likely to be thousands or millions of demands on your attention. If you give them each a number and ask them to wait their turn, you’ll soon be facing a mutiny. This is where you have to take your organization skills to new levels, and figure out how to do three, five, or eight things at once, without killing yourself or screwing them all up.




Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Many Aquarians devote significant chunks of their lives perfecting skills that arguably have little practical purpose, beyond being an enjoyable “waste of time.” They write poetry, they play ping pong, they build model airplanes, and so on. Sure, at the outer edges of those eclectic interests lie possible sources of income or notoriety, or chances to make the world a significantly better place. I know you do what you do because it’s fun, and no other reason, but now is a good time to explore just how viable those options might be. How far can you take this obsessive hobby of yours, really? This week, find out.


Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Try to remember how insecure everybody is. Sometimes you get so caught up in your own self-doubts that you forget that everybody else is experiencing something like them, too. Consequently you take on more negativity than you ought to, convinced that any shit going down has everything to do with your shortcomings, when it could actually stem from someone else’s fears and doubts, or something else altogether. Because most of the crap floating your way this week has virtually nothing to do with you, I ask you to remember that we’re all weak, sometimes, and imperfect. Then you can quit feeling bad about the situation, and start improving it instead.


Aries (March 21-April 19)
Rams are supposed to recreate reality to suit them. It’s what you do. I know I’ve frequently asked you to temper that urge, and be sensitive to situations that you shouldn’t butt your big head into. Still, I hope you haven’t lost the knack, because this week it’s time for you to take charge, whip things into shape, and make them conform to your own (in this case) brilliant ideas about how things should be. Don’t take no for an answer. Be bossy. You know what’s best, this time, even if others don’t want to admit it. Make them see the light. They may be too stubborn to thank you later, but never mind that; most of us will.


Taurus (April 20-May 20)
I have a friend whose teeth hurt when she eats things that are too sweet. Another feels weary and lethargic if he doesn’t do his daily stretches and workout. I get slightly chapped lips whenever I’m stressed out or especially sleep deprived. The point is we’re all given subtle hints about how to best take care of ourselves, from our bodies, dreams, and other sources. You’ve been ignoring yours, or denying them. Unfortunately, when you don’t heed these gentle reminders, you’re usually given more forceful ones you can’t so easily disregard. Don’t let it come to that, please.


Gemini (May 21-June 20)
There have been so many times you’ve been forced to eat your words. It wouldn’t be so bad if they were forgotten after you chewed them up, forced them down, and shat them out. Unfortunately, they often keep coming back to haunt you. Sometimes this serves as a useful reminder about what kinds of mistakes and missteps to avoid in the future; usually it’s just annoying, because you’re not about to forget those hard-learned lessons. This week, if someone tries to make you chew up and swallow something you said more than a year ago, consider yourself within your rights to spit it back in his face, and gently assure him that you don’t need to taste that particular dish ever again.


Cancer (June 21-July 22)
You can get sunburn on a cloudy day. It might be windy and chilly, so you wouldn’t even notice the UV rays scorching your skin. I don’t believe in living in fear of unforeseeable consequences, but sometimes preventative measures are just so easy that it’s pointless not to do them. Slapping on a coat of sunscreen would take just a few seconds. Consider similarly simple protective efforts this week and in general; they could keep you safe from boatloads of suffering and misery. They may also prove to be entirely unnecessary, but do you really want to find out the hard way?

Sign Language

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Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
I’ve decided to be a Scorpio this year. The timing of my Leo birthday is just way too inconvenient. I can do that. So can you. We’re Leos; we’re entitled. No one will really be fooled by my astrological switcheroo, of course, but out of love people will probably humor me and play along, and show up to my party in November. They’ll cut you some slack, too, regarding any similarly quirky and outlandish decisions you decide to make, so long as there’s a strong element of fun involved. Indulge your imaginative whims. Remake reality to suit yourself. There are no rules, so long as no one gets hurt. Self-reinvention is one of your superpowers. You’re not only allowed to do it, you’re encouraged.


Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
You think you know efficiency? You haven’t even scratched the surface of being efficient. You need to take your ideas to a whole new level, and think of ways to conserve energy and time and have fun, too. Oh, it’s possible. Imagine playground equipment that generates energy as kids play on it. Every pump of the swing or turn of the merry-go-round does us all good. You see where I’m going here? We need more of that kind of creative thinking in the world. This week, luckily, that’s exactly the kind of thinking you’re especially good at. Wow us.


Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Your astrological symbol is the scale. You weigh things. The problem is that when they come out nearly even, you’re virtually paralyzed by indecision. Ironically, that means that whichever path or option you choose is as likely to work out as the other. Let me kick you back into action, by reminding you of this: there’s a third option you’ve forgotten to consider: running out of time, and missing out on either of the paths you’ve got before you. That would be unquestionably worse than those, I think you’ll agree. Choose, already. It’ll be fine.


Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Some miracles are more inane than inspiring. Sure, it’s pretty fantastic when someone’s terminal cancer goes away, whether the cause is divine intervention or chemotherapy, but who cares if the Virgin Mary appears on a piece of toast? Lately you’ve let yourself drift so far into the world of the mundane that you’re wowed by the truly mediocre. A cinnamon bun that looked like Mother Theresa (don’t they all, though?) would floor you, and that’s not good. It’s time reset your perspective. Simple “miracles” like nun-shaped pastries are all well and good; just don’t forget to look for truly transcendent ones, too.


Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
As individuals, we’re each becoming more and more powerful, with greater access to information, communication, and resources than most humans have had in the past. With greater power, however, comes greater capacity for harm (or help). Unfortunately, I think most people have a negative impact on the world at large; no one is pure evil, of course, but many people’s actions are generally making the world a worse and worse place to live. I believe we have the power to reverse that trend, but it won’t be easy. For everyone who chooses to improve the world, there are ten who don’t bother. It will take every ounce of our conscious choice and commitment to counter that. Are you ready to give that little bit more, to pick up the slack for those who can’t be bothered? I hope so. If not you, then who?


Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Some things you just can’t rush, even inside your own head. Even when you know exactly where you’d like to end up, it’s hard to just leap to that place. You’ve got to hit all the milestones along the way, whether your journey is mental, spiritual, or physical. It’s good to be ambitious, and to push yourself. But be kind and patient to yourself too, please. Don’t let your keen drive to succeed steer you into a wall. This trip will take some time to complete, especially since there are whole sections of tortuous mountain roads entirely shrouded in fog. Give yourself that time, so that you can arrive, and in one piece.


Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Some birds have no sense of smell. Even if they had bigger brains, it would still be very hard for them to conceive of what an odor is. Similarly, you may think that what you see is what you get, when in reality there are so many things going on beneath the surface of what’s available to you. Luckily, you’re a lot smarter than a bird, and you have an imagination that can stretch infinitely far, if you exercise it enough. Since succeeding in the situation before you means becoming aware of more than what’s immediately apparent, I hope you’re able to be flexible enough to do so.


Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
I’m glad that you’re done letting people push you around. However, I hope you have enough awareness to be conscious of why they might try. They can’t know better than you do about what would make you happy, but that doesn’t mean they’re entirely clueless either. Consider what they have to say. Factor it in. Most likely the best solutions for you are ones that are complicated, and allow for the most possibilities, despite your general indecisiveness. Forging a complex reality in which many, many paths are open to you is of course more difficult and complicated than just settling for what’s right in front of you. Nevertheless, I think you’re capable of it, and ought to try.


Aries (March 21-April 19)
The shortest route between two points isn’t necessarily the best one, especially this week. Take a moment to stop and think, and check the map. Don’t opt for efficiency over effectiveness, joy, fun, or beauty. Your goal right now shouldn’t be getting from point A to point B as quickly and painlessly as possible. That route will leave you feeling miserable and empty, not accomplished. I’d rather you choose the path that adds the most richness, adventure, and inspiration to your life. Even if it takes ten times as long to make the trip, it’s well worth it.


Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Sometimes you may feel as if you’re in a submarine. Life feels like a billion trillion gallons of water pressing in on you from all sides, and only your will keeps it from crushing you completely. Still, every submarine needs to periodically surface, to refuel and restock supplies. You need to take a break from the crushing pressure. Even a day, a week, or a month might be time enough to check for cracks and change the air so you can properly breathe. Take the time you need. You have no choice, anyway; if something breaks, there’s no way you can do repairs down there. Better to surface now before you drown.


Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Even wet wood will burn, if you’re patient and persistent enough. You might have to work very hard to get it to turn into a strong, warm blaze, but it’s absolutely possible. Is it worth it, though? That’s the question before you now: Will you keep trying to get the soggy pile of twigs in front of you to ignite? It would turn into something like the bonfire you crave, eventually, but it might take a very long time. Or is it perhaps time to go searching for new wood that’s already dry and ready to burst into flame?


Cancer (June 21-July 22)
There’s something about your life right now that makes you weary, I know. It feels like a tremendous weight that you’ll be stuck with forever. It’s true that you might not be free of it for a very long time. However, it’s not yours alone to carry, even though it might seem that way. There are ways and ways, to shift the weight, or have someone else take over, if only for a little while. This week, work on that possibility. Get out from under the world you carry on your shoulders. Give yourself a couple weeks at least. The next time you pick up that burden, it will still be just as heavy as you remembered, but also a million times easier to bear. 

Sign Language

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Cancer (June 21-July 22)
The worst thing that could happen right now is if you accepted your necessarily narrow and limited view of reality as the big picture. In that scenario, you’d probably feel that you had few or no choices, instead of recalling that the world is in fact rife with possibility. There are so many things you could do, so many different facets of life you could access. You might simply have to practice first remembering that they exist, then open yourself to them. This week, please make that your number one goal and pursue it diligently and relentlessly.


Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Screw multitasking. Sometimes you rock at it, sometimes you don’t. Right now…not so much. You’re so busy thinking about all the shit you have to do that you only devote half your attention to the task currently at hand. In other words, your performance sucks, at least compared to how fantastic it would be if you devoted yourself to it completely. The key: Don’t allow yourself to be distracted by all those other things you’ll need to get to, eventually, nor by the many pure diversions that could derail you completely if you’re not careful. Be single-minded. Focus. Do one thing at a time, and nothing else. Not only will you finish it, and well, but also in record time—freeing you to move on to the second thing (but don’t even think about the third until that one’s done, please).


Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
What would you tell someone whose plan to lose weight involves eliminating cheesecake, and nothing else? Hopefully, you’d mention that she’s sadly deluding herself. Darling, that’s what I’m here to do for you. Your goal may have nothing to do with losing weight; nevertheless your approach is about as realistic as the No Cheesecake Diet. It’s sad that you’re entertaining such preposterous illusions; you’re usually so accomplished and down-to-earth. Where’s your hard-nosed realism now? You need a dose of it. Wake up and figure out what you really need to do, to get the job done. Otherwise, you’re just missing out on delicious cheesecake for no reason.


Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Stop biting your tongue. If you’ve got an opinion, by all means share it. Your famous open-mindedness often translates into blandness, because you rarely appear to have strong feelings in any particular direction. Now, I know that’s not true. Although you rock at seeing both sides of any equation, there are times when you are solidly on one side of the fence or the other, instead of straddling it. Speak up, baby, and now. The folks you want to impress are so bored by wallflowers and flip-floppers that they might not give you a second chance.


Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
I’m mostly annoyed by that cliché about new doors opening when old ones get slammed in your face. That old saw’s stuck around so long, however, because there’s truth in it. That relationship or opportunity that slipped through your fingers was not perfect for you, even though you probably thought it was. There are a million new possibilities before you, even though they might not be immediately visible. Part of the problem is you’re not exactly looking for them. Even right in front of your nose, you might not see them, because you’re blinded by disappointment. You don’t have to get over that disappointment, not yet. But can you at least try to look past it? 


Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Sometimes you just have to bite your tongue. When your friend hooks up with someone you dislike (or despise), watch how you express your disapproval. That can quickly spiral downwards into a lose-lose situation, if you’re not careful. On the one hand, you wouldn’t be a good friend if you didn’t put in your honest two cents. On the other, don’t you dare put in three. It’s your job to stop them from making any huge mistakes, even if it means risking your friendship. But letting your buddy make a bunch of smaller mistakes, and learn a lesson the hard way (which sticks) might ultimately be the kindest thing you can do.


Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
You Caps can be a little bit clueless about certain social situations. Sometimes you’re not aware that you’ve crossed a line until long after you stepped over it, and been slapped for doing so. To you, some of those lines are just plain invisible. There are ways around these limitations, though. Heck, even some autistic people, who have trouble interpreting ambiguous social cues (like facial expressions, for instance) find ways to navigate the world nevertheless. This week, you ought to be especially good at recognizing your own blind spots. Luckily, you’ll be even better at inventing ways to work around them.


Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Next week’s Full Moon in your sign is a brilliant time to try to bring some project, idea, or personal goal to fruition and fulfillment. Can you possibly swing the timing? I know it’s short notice, but I think it’s still possible to get your shit together, if you try. See that mile marker up ahead? The one you’ve been headed towards for a while now? Accelerate. Pedal to the metal, baby. See if you can reach it before the moon is fat, bright, and round. If you succeed, the light it sheds is likely to make the route beyond that intermediary goal incredibly, excitingly clear.


Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
One thing I like about you Fish is that you don’t usually have contempt for people who are simple, even though you yourself are eminently complex. In fact, sometimes I think you envy anyone who can be single-minded about anything, because that’s something you’re not generally good at. There are times, however, when you might be able to put on blinders and devote most, if not all, of your attention and energy towards a single goal. This week is one of those rare, lucky occasions. Pick an ambitious target, block out everything else, and go for it.


Aries (March 21-April 19)
Rain hangs heavy overhead. Poke a hole in the clouds and they’d explode, drenching all of us. You shouldn’t stay inside, though. The threat of downpour is worse than the reality. What’s holding you back is this illusion that if you don’t shake things up, the rain might not fall, or it might float on to fall on some other place, someone else’s life. Forget that. Expect to get wet. Know that you’ll be drenched to the bone, and shivering. You’ll also get to where you want to go, which ultimately outweighs all other considerations. Here’s your choice: Stay inside, dry, and go nowhere, or endure a little misery and discomfort, but reach your destination. Come on. It’s a no-brainer.


Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Bodies have their own equilibrium. Studies show that it’s extremely hard to change the point at which your body is comfortable, when it comes to weight. It takes profound discipline and a lot more time than most people are willing to give it, to truly change the shape of your body. A lot of things take more time than you’d expect, and unless you really commit to them, for the long haul, you’ll never get anything but ongoing disappointment out of them. If you’re going to do something half-assed, you might as well spare yourself the trouble and not bother at all.


Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Don’t be shortsighted. I know part of this is actually a good thing, a desire to be present. But sometimes you fail to look far enough ahead to accurately gauge how you’ll feel a month from now, a year, a decade. Of course, knowing the future is impossible, but you could stand to do a bit more guessing about it. For example: Is the person you’re with someone you’ll still like in a year, or 10 or 50? How’s your job (or the prospects it enables) going to suit you in a decade? It’s time for some projections. Send your imagination into the future and see what you can see. Then, when it gets back, it’s time to act on what you saw there.

Sign Language

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Cancer (June 21-July 22)
This weekend could be your most important one this year, or it could pass entirely unremarked. It will be precisely what you make of it, like any other weekend, but the New Moon in Cancer is a unique opportunity to inaugurate new chapters or finally put into action carefully-considered decisions. Will you take advantage of it? Please don’t complain that you’re not ready. Get ready. This is your kick in the ass. How long were you planning to wait before you got your shit together, after all? Step up and do it now. Or wait another year (and probably three more, besides). It’s up to you.


Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Choose your battles more carefully. Sometimes, you get carried away, simply because you know you’re right. This, however, isn’t about right or wrong. It’s not worth arguing about for so many reasons: Perhaps the person you’re complaining to doesn’t actually have the power to change anything, or it might simply be too complicated. Your head’s already dented enough, from slamming into brick walls. Spare yourself further injury by carefully assessing the obstacles before you. Some are squishy and malleable, and some are as immovable and solid as mountains. Learn to recognize which is which, already, would you?


Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
I’m a realist, especially about love affairs. I’m both incredibly romantic and phenomenally cynical. I advised a friend of mine, who’s dating a beautiful 18-year-old French model, to enjoy every minute of it, precisely because it won’t last forever. He was adamant in his naïve faith that they’d die together, of old age, in a hundred years. “Come on,” I scolded him. “How many teen models stay with their first boyfriends for the rest of their lives?” I think it’s better to recognize the ephemeral nature of all things—especially things like love affairs with teen beauties—so as to better enjoy them, rather than deny that they’ll ever change or go away, and possibly take them for granted until they do. Don’t you?


Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Telling someone you’re in love with them will change everything between you two, forever—sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse. Librans are notoriously susceptible to illusions regarding this very subject, both in how they imagine people might react to such a declaration, and how things could be afterwards in either case. I don’t mean to make mountains out of molehills. Maybe this ought to be a molehill. Unfortunately, it’s simply not. It’s a mountain. Make sure you’re ready for such a radical change in your internal landscape before you invite Mount Everest in to stay. 


Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
In all my travels, I’ve learned to cherish being lost the most. Even when it’s stressful, I’ve found that these are the moments that will become stories and treasured memories later—and lead to discoveries I never would have made otherwise, both in life and about myself. This applies to emotional journeys as well as physical ones. Remember this the next time you’re lost: It’s actually the best thing that could have happened to you, far cooler than just arriving at your destination, uneventfully and on time.


Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
You’ve got an opinion about everything. Luckily, you’re also usually quite flexible and open-minded. You’ll admit you’re wrong, if someone makes a good case for the opposing viewpoint. You do, however, have a couple blind spots, born out of social programming you absorbed when you were just a little kid, mostly about relationships. In those cases, it hardly matters how well someone presents another viewpoint; you just refuse to see it. This time, though, an 18-wheeler looms in that blind spot. Either you acknowledge it and at least make some effort to accommodate it, or it’s going to send you crashing into a tree, and you’ll be in emotional traction for a year. Adjust your mirrors. It’s easier to fix a dented dream than recover from a full-on crash-and-burn.


Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Some people are content to just toss some food into the microwave, then eat it when it’s hot. Others, though, want to know how it got hot, how the thing works. They take apart televisions, computers, cars, and—emotionally, at least—people. They want to know what makes you and everything else tick. Whether or not you’re one of these curious kittens, I suggest you borrow a bit of their inquisitiveness this week, because some fascinating stuff lurks just beneath the surface of things. It would explain a lot about why your life is the way it is, and why your relationships are the way they are. Don’t dismantle anything you can’t put back together, but at least open the lid and peep inside.


Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Of course I’m addicted to the Internet. It’s the closest thing to the sum total of human knowledge that has ever existed, and I love having all that information no more than a Google search away. It has made my brain a bit lazy, in some ways, though. I’ve never been much of a retainer of trivia, but recalling random facts is mostly beyond me now. Instead, I remember how to find that information; which websites to begin with, and how to extract that particular nugget from the vastness that is the Web. I’ve accepted my cyborg-hood. When will you acknowledge, admit to, and own the crutches you’re using—both good and bad—to make you more than you are?


Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Expose yourself to stuff. The city mouse is more wily and resourceful than the country mouse not because he’s gifted with superior genetics, but simply because he’s encountered a greater variety of challenging situations that have forced him to become more than he was. Leading a sheltered little country mouse life may appeal to you sensitive Pisceans, but it’s poor preparation for the future. Life intrudes, even in the country. Wouldn’t you rather be exposed to its dangers on your own terms, by your own choice? It’s certainly better than waiting until they simply barge in, unannounced, and force you to deal.


Aries (March 21-April 19)
Start hollering and waving your arms, Aries. Jump up and down. Make sure everyone knows where you are. People are looking for you, but you’ve maintained such a low profile lately that they can’t find you. Emerge from your little bubble of familiar people and situations. I’m glad you’ve outgrown your need to always stand out from the crowd, but I hope you haven’t forgotten how. Make a spectacle of yourself this week, so that those who need someone like you in their lives can figure that out, and ask you to join them.


Taurus (April 20-May 20)
I’d bet that far fewer than 1 in 12 early adopters of the iPhone were Taureans. You guys are generally more cautious about your acquisitions, and rather than waiting in line to be the first person you know to have the nifty gadget, most of you would prefer to wait to see how much of an issue fingerprints are, or how else the thing might fail to live up to its hype, before you shell out your own hard-earned cash for it. Let other people be the guinea pigs, you figure. Fine. Sometimes, though, you have no choice but to try something out for yourself. The iPhone’s not one of them, but the relationship before you is. You can’t accept others’ reviews, this time. You have to write your own hype, then live up to it.


Gemini (May 21-June 20)
The reason alternative medicine is so popular these days is only partially because it’s surprisingly helpful. It’s also more fun than waiting for your HMO to screw you—and it’s more affordable. The mainstream health care industry is totally screwed up (go see Michael Moore’s Sicko if you doubt me). There are ways and there are ways, whether you’re trying to heal your body or your heart (or someone else’s body or heart). Don’t just stick to the most obvious solution: Experiment with alternatives. Good ones, preferably. They’re out there. All you have to do is look.

Sign Language

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Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Don’t be impatient. You actually have the answers to most of your questions already. Three seconds of reflection would make you realize it. While I admire your willingness to simply ask others—a skill many other signs utterly lack—it’s often unnecessary. Sometimes you ask the question to whoever’s nearby before you ask it of yourself, and realize you already knew the answer (or could have easily figured it out) if you’d just bothered to try before opening your mouth. I’m being nitpicky, I know. But sometimes nitpicky stuff like that means the difference between getting the job, the date, the adoring spotlight, or not.


Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
It’s so great how you already know everything, Leo. It makes my job a lot easier, as well as anyone who thought they could actually teach you something. How do you live with being so perfect? Oh, you’re not perfect? Because sometimes you come off as if you think you are. Sure, you’ve got some tricks up your sleeve. You’ve been around the block a few times. But when it comes right down to it, you are, like every other human on the planet, pretty much clueless about, well, about everything. Inject some humility into your routine. Remember that you, too, have tons left to learn, and will never get it all. Then, and only then, will you even get some.


Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
If you were here last week, I would have sat on you, and forced you to enjoy some sunshine and beautiful weather, and to ignore everything else you had to do. Of course, you wouldn’t have been able to relax and enjoy it, because of some incredible panic and frenzy about your neglected To-Do list. Has anyone tried to sit on you lately, and make you be lazy? I hope so, even though I doubt they were successful. Still, this would be a good week to chill out. Do it the Virgo way, if you have to (which you probably do), and get the most important shit out of the way, so when you ignore the rest, you don’t freak out. Then, really ignore the rest and, naturally, don’t freak out.


Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Libras are sponges. You soak up whatever’s around you, good or bad, and incorporate much of it into who you are. Sometimes you need a good squeeze, to lose some of your crap, stuff you absorbed ages ago and have never gotten rid of. You also need to surround yourself with high-quality people. I hope you’ve already done that, at least, and if you haven’t—what the hell have you been doing? Find yourself some keepers, pronto. Then, get those good, caring, smart, and inspiring people to give you the squeeze you need—both metaphorically and for real, to get rid of the old bad, and make room for the new good.


Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
We are, in general, getting smarter as we get older. For example, people usually score higher and higher on IQ tests as they age. Of course, that makes sense. Using your brain is practicing thinking, which means you’ll get better at it. The main problem here is atrophy. There are parts of yourself you haven’t used in ages. You’re way out of practice, whether it’s your tennis backhand or your heart you’re trying to use. You might be too daunted to get them back into play. I understand your trepidation, but it’s time to get over that. Oil up those squeaky, rusted joints, and give it a go. You’ll be amazed at how quickly all those half-forgotten skills come back.


Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Some people feel paralyzed because they feel disempowered. They imagine they have no choices. That’s usually not you, Sag. If anything, you’re paralyzed by too many options. When you can make virtually anything happen, go anywhere, and do whatever you like, choosing just what you’re going to do can be a trial. Some Sags are so befuddled that they end up not doing anything. I hope that’s not you, squandering so much brilliant potential. If you really and truly don’t know what to do with yourself, I bet you know someone who’ll give you an earful on the subject. Why not try listening to them?


Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Stop thinking of your body as a machine that needs to be maintained and fed. It’s time to consider it, instead, as simply a source of pleasure, whatever its shape, limitations, or imperfections. Many Caps regard their corporeal forms as simply vehicles to carry their brains around in, and do their absolute best to ignore their bodies, ignoring or denying the pleasures of a hedonistic meal, a good shit, a fantastic shag, a massage, or a million other things. Is your body inconvenient and annoying? That’s screwed up. Find a way to regard it as a pleasure-manufacturer, and let it be just that.


Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
There’s a difference between confidence and ego. You don’t need to be the best at anything, or push harder than everyone else. Go for that, if that’s your thing, but I would suggest a more modest, achievable, and satisfying goal: simply being well and truly comfortable in your own skin, your own life. Ambition is all well and good, and I hope you don’t give it up. All I’m suggesting is that in the meantime, you also be happy with who and what you are. Being sweetly comfy in your own skin isn’t perhaps your ultimate goal in your life—but if your dream doesn’t at least include this vital step, you’re
missing something important.


Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
People practice stuff in their dreams all the time, and then show amazing, measurable improvement the very next time they try it. Studies have found that virtually the same neural pathways are exercised in the brain when you dream about doing something as when you actually do it. It’s true, you can only get so far by thinking (or dreaming) about something; eventually you just have to actually do it. However, you can get a lot further than you imagine. Perhaps a bit of mental practice (awake or asleep) is what you need, to succeed.


Aries (March 21-April 19)
If all you need are willpower and determination, you’re golden. However, if a situation requires more from you—tact, say, or long-term discipline—you might be screwed, as they’re hardly your natural strengths. You can develop them, however, until you can deliver a back-handed compliment as well as any Capricorn, or put your nose to the grindstone with the humble fortitude of a Virgo, or listen as sensitively as a Cancer. There are a few skills you could stand to improve on. You know what they are, and you know pure desire and drive aren’t suitable substitutions. This week, work on the pieces you’re missing.


Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Just take a chance. Sometimes people are open to you, but lack the confidence or the motivation to stick their necks out and take a risk making the first move. It might not be fair that you always have to be the one who risks appearing the fool, but right now that’s just the way it is, if you want anything exciting or interesting to happen. Of course, you always have the option of the same old nothing you’ve settled for so far; simply do nothing. Don’t risk rejection or embarrassment. That’s certainly easier. It’s also incredibly dull. I believe you’re more fascinating than that. Prove me right.


Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Forgive and forget. Holding a grudge, no matter how justified, is like wearing a fifty-pound weight around your neck. It requires so much energy and represents such a burden that you might as well just give up doing anything fun, dynamic, or brilliant until the score is settled. Geminis are supposed to be footloose and fancy-free. It’s part of your charm. That means getting over and moving on from your setbacks as swiftly as possible, and remembering how to delight in life again, good and bad. This week, shed the fifty-pound weight (and any others) you might be carrying, and get over whatever they are, already. It’s time to fly again. It’s already been too long.

Sign Language

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Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Fear captures the imagination. It compels. It’s sensational and attention-grabbing. It’s also soul-numbing and incredibly restricting. How limited are you by fear? First, count all the influences on you that try to make you afraid. That might mean your well-meaning friend delivering a warning, or a 10-second spot for the evening news, or some “War on Terror” propaganda, or your intimidating boss, or a million other things. Then consider this: Only the tiniest fraction of all that shit is worth listening to and worth limiting yourself for, in the name of reasonable caution. Reject, utterly, the other 90%. Then do your best to excise it from your life.


Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Finally, you’re ready to get real concerning your relationships. For too long you’ve been letting your totally unrealistic (and beautiful) dream relationships get in the way of having real ones. It’s a tougher choice to make than it sounds, choosing between the gorgeous fantasy and clunkier, chunkier reality. But eventually you’ll realize it’s no choice at all—something (with its own beauty and satisfaction) is a whole lot better than nothing. You can still indulge in the dream, in the privacy of your own mind. But never let it come between you and the real thing, which is, ultimately, harder to live without.


Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Consider the wisdom of your body, the way it can absorb knowledge and make actions automatic. I’m talking about the way you can drive, or ride a bike, without thinking about it. I love how I can look at my computer screen and watch the words I’m thinking simply appear, because my fingers are so used to finding the keys. Too many of your screw-ups happen simply because you overthink them. You try too hard. Just relax, and trust to the work and practice you’ve already put in. You might find you already rock at whatever it is you’re trying to do.


Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Sum peepl advoekaet sum kiends of spelling reform, as a wae of elimnaeting redundint lettrs and to supoesdly enhants corrispondnts with the wae we speek English. As U can see heer, it’s serpriezingly reedibl, and yet sumthing about it leevs U coeld. Saem goes for the cuts and chaenjs U hav contemplaetid laetly. Lief wil go on without thoes missing peesis. It miet even be mor efishent (tho it’s aktoouly mor liekly to be similerly complikaetd bi ur eferts to simplifi it). The maen qestchun is: Will it be betr? I think not. Leave the extra letters and pieces in, and make the best of things as they are.


Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Escape the oppression of noise. You need space to unfold, relax, expand. You’d be surprised at how noise prevents you from properly doing that. Nearby construction, lawn-mowing, neighbors’ stereos, dogs barking, traffic, and so on; these can all build up and make it so you can barely hear yourself think. You may believe you’ve developed a technique to screen most of that shit out, but it’s actually slowly wearing you down. Find some true peace and quiet this week, whether that means retreating deep into the country, or into a sensory-deprivation tank. You won’t know what you’ve been missing until you find some actual silence. Then you’ll wonder how you functioned happily without it.


Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
If you’re going to travel, do it right. Being a weekend tourist’s simply not the Sagittarian way. Sure, it’s fun to see the sights and splash out on a nice meal, but you’re not really fulfilling your potential unless you get under the skin of a place, and that means staying there for weeks or months, at least, and learning at least a bit of the language. Not many people have that luxury, but I hope you find a way. Until you do, practice. Don’t flit along the surface of your life. Even when you encounter situations you find unpleasant, dig into them. Find out what’s behind, underneath, and inside them, what makes them tick. You might just find something surprising there that makes your life richer.


Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Capricorns have this reputation for practicality that you simply don’t deserve. Efficiency and effectiveness? Absolutely. But pragmatism? Not so much. Your tendency towards extremes is what makes you so successful, at times. It can also destroy your relationships and sometimes your happiness. You just don’t do things halfway, most of the time. Generating perfect equilibrium and walking the middle of the road is boring, I know. This week, though, I hope you’ll make an exception to that general rule, because only going halfway to the extreme you’re capable of would be just the right amount.


Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
You’ve done the nightmare relationship. The break-up is like waking up. “What was I even thinking?” you demand, and your friends, who tried to give you a reality check all along, can only shrug and wish you hadn’t ignored them back then, before you “wasted” all this time. It doesn’t have to be wasted time, though—if you learn your lesson from it. Ignore what those experiences taught you, and you’ll just find yourself sleepwalking through another few months, years, or relationships while your friends roll their eyes and gradually lose patience and faith. Is that you, destined to be an old fool who can’t help reliving history over and over? Or can you get wiser while you get older, too?


Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
The mid-20th-century residents of Tulsa, Oklahoma created a time capsule for folks fifty years later, burying a 1957 Plymouth Belvedere Sport Coupe under the County Courthouse lawn. Although it was swaddled in rust-resistant preservatives and placed inside a concrete sarcophagus, it was essentially a car-shaped pile of rust when they unearthed it a few weeks ago. Those 1957 folk probably pictured the future mayor proudly getting into that car, starting it up, and driving away, amidst cheering masses, but that didn’t quite work out. That happens to many of our intentions for our future selves. They don’t play out quite as we imagined. Keep making them anyway. Even if the car you bury now doesn’t start in a few decades, you’ll at least generate a pretty cool piece of conceptual art.


Aries (March 21-April 19)
Everyone wants to be loved. Sometimes having such a strong personal viewpoint, you Rams can forget that other people are as insecure, scared, needy, or hurt as you are. Most of the time when they act badly towards you, it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with their own shit. Try to retain that perspective this week, and not take it personally when someone buries you under their baggage. You don’t have to carry it, but adding to it with your own will just make everyone (including you) more miserable. This week, do what you can to lighten others’ loads, without adding too much to your own.


Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Last year, billions of bees mysteriously disappeared. They simply never came back to their hives. No one knows why. Without bees, human survival is very unlikely, so losing those little pollinators is a frightening prospect. So much of life is dependent on their busy little lives. We need bees. Love the bees! In fact, take note of all the little things that make your life better, the things other people and creatures do for you, and give them all a little overdue love and appreciation this week—in hopes that they’ll keep doing it.


Gemini (May 21-June 20)
It’s an exciting time to be alive. We teeter on the verge of greatness and disaster. I believe we will, in our lifetimes, either get to some kind of significantly different chapter of human existence, or destroy ourselves (or both). I also believe that we aren’t always aware of just how much of an impact we can have, as individuals, on the kind of future we create—in any case, it’s more than you think. Don’t believe yourself powerless, even if you’re not as powerful as you think you should be. Do everything you can, even if you think the effort meaningless; it’ll turn out to be more impactful than you think.

Sign Language

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Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Equilibrium and stability are possible. They’re just boring, compared with the precipitous ups and downs that normally characterize your existence. However, those chapters of constancy and routine, though less exciting, are chances to get a lot done, because it’s easy to be productive when you’re not coping with emotional crises. You haven’t steered for calmer waters in a while, since you generally (secretly) prefer stormier seas. But as you have an awful lot going on right now, perhaps this is a good time to sail your boat into some tranquil port to make repairs, and simply get shit done?


Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
For some Leos in relationships, the other person barely matters. These Lions don’t so much especially love their partners; they love themselves, with that person. I don’t expect all of you to utterly shatter the mirror you always hold up to yourselves, but some Leos really do need to cut it down to a smaller, more manageable size. (You know who you are.) See past your own reflection long enough to notice people in their own lives, not simply for the parts they play in your grand drama. In other words, love people for who they are, not just who they inspire you to be.


Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Subconscious expectations determine so much of our experience. Children told a scary story about bears, even if they laugh all the way through it, will be quite likely to mistake bushes for beasts on a night walk through the woods afterwards. So often, we see simply what we think we’ll see, whether it’s there or not. This week, work on stripping down some of your filters, and trying to dispassionately perceive things more as they are. If you must delude yourself by seeing things that aren’t there, at least conjure images that will empower you, not frighten or intimidate you.



Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Every sign evolves, naturally. Leos mellow out and become more modest, generous and loving. Capricorns become more charmingly childlike with every passing year. And Libras learn how to leave things out of balance. While equilibrium is certainly a pleasant state, it isn’t especially conducive to change. It’s also—when you’re the one providing the balance to a situation—quite limiting. You only get to be what the group dynamic, job, or relationship requires, instead of fulfilling your true potential, which is likely much, much more than what’s being asked of you in any given moment. Screw that. Let things be out of whack, if it means you get to be who you really are, rather than what everyone else “needs” you to be.


Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
I’ve been mostly vegetarian for 17 years. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with eating meat (though don’t get me started on the damnable horror of factory farming). That’s nature. Animals eat each other. I’ve simply made a choice that’s right for me, and I wouldn’t think to impose it upon anyone else (though I would encourage everyone to consume free-range animals, for your health, and soul). It’s quite likely your decisions are right for you, and only you. Insisting that someone else follow your exact path is robbing them of the freedom you enjoyed when you chose it in the first place. Don’t do it.


Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Some people think that dreams access some other plane of reality; others assume they simply tap into some internal wisdom not consciously available. Many people use their dreams to ask questions they don’t know the answers to in waking life, and get answers that surprise, inspire, and enlighten them. In my experience Sagittarians—notoriously relentless truth-seekers—are the best at this (I’d love to hear about a time you got an answer to an important question in a dream: sign.language.astrology@gmail.com). The answer to your life’s current most burning question might not be found in your dreams (though I’d look there first), but it will almost certainly be found someplace nearly as unusual.


Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
What are you, a Pisces? Suddenly, you’re as giddy and distracted as a virgin on prom night. Perhaps it’s next week’s Full Moon in your sign, or maybe you’re preoccupied with some other big event, so you can’t focus all your attention on the present. Snap out of it, Cap. We need you to be in especially sharp form this week, to cut through some of the spin and bullshit that’ll be flying our way. What is it that’s buying up so much of your mental real estate? Is it anything you can do anything about now? No? Then take your thoughts off the market and bring them to bear on the situation at hand, which you can dominate and own—if you actually show up.


Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Pirates are huge these days. Like other similar recollections of past eras (renaissance fairs, for example), popular perception of pirates reflects a sort of “best of” mentality. We take (and exaggerate) the best bits, and ignore or leave out the rest. You’re good at this, aren’t you? You romanticize memories so well, you end up pining over someone who actually made you miserable at the time. It’s nice to remember the sweet moments; just don’t forget the shit, too, lest you lose perspective. Spinning a fairy tale out of pirates and knights is one thing. Making one out of your past relationships, though, is nothing short of disaster.


Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Despite my frequent Pisces-bashing, you should know I adore you. You seem to operate in another, parallel reality which differs from ours in many subtle, incredible ways. This is occasionally confounding or bewildering, but also almost always fascinating and inspiring. That’s a gift. Just by being yourself, you get to encourage us to experience life in ways we might have had trouble imagining before. If you could also be on time or develop some consistent stick-to-it-iveness, that’d be great. But never forget your true strength: You’re weird, and unique in how you live and see the world. Sharing that truly outweighs all the rest.


Aries (March 21-April 19)
You’re like a plant whose leaves are drooping from lack of water. Unfortunately, no one’s noticing, and there’s no rain for days. Luckily, you’re not actually a plant, doomed to wither away in the summer sun. You’ve got a voice, one you’re not usually afraid to use to demand what you want and need. Since when did you start letting yourself get shut down? I know those holding you back insist you ought to not require so much water and sunlight (or love and affection) to live and thrive. But you do. Stop depriving yourself because of those assholes. Speak up and ask for what you need, regardless of what they think.


Taurus (April 20-May 20)
How comfortable are you inside your own skin? Some Taureans still maintain a certain facade to hide their true selves. When people are coming over, for example, you clean the house the way you never would for yourself, hiding the porn and junk food detritus. A lot of that has to do with simply making your guests comfortable, but some of it reflects a kind of certainty that people will only like a cleaned-up, more “acceptable” version of you. That’s selling most of your friends short. Let us see the real you. We’ll like it, I promise—and you’ll like us liking it, because that means more fun and intimacy all around.


Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Geminis hate missing out on anything. You hear music, fireworks, excitement, or chaos down the street, and you’re off like a flash, dropping whatever you were doing without a second thought. You hate it when you hear about something exciting your friends did that you totally missed out on. This pressure to always be there, in the thick of things, means you don’t always take the time for yourself that you need. You can’t bear to say no to an invitation to anything, because what if it turns out to be the most exciting event of the month? Well this week, there’s nothing to miss. It’s time to chill. Say no as often as necessary until you get the “me time” you desperately need, and then some.

Sign Language

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Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Hasan Elahi is on the FBI terrorist watch list, but he’s no terrorist. To prove it, the Rutgers professor and artist has documented virtually every waking minute of the last few years by frequently uploading photographs to his website (trackingtranscience.net) of everything he does. He carries a GPS device that reports his location 24 hours a day. Think of him when you have to work way too hard to prove your own innocence this week. It’s not easy being the subject of someone’s unfair and unreasonable suspicions, but getting bitter and defensive is the wrong way to go, at least right now, especially since you actually have nothing to hide. Make your life an open book, if necessary, and laugh when your detractors have to eat their own ill-considered distrust.


Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Sure, you can punish a kid for doing something bad, or reward her for being good, but ultimately this is absolutely the most limited way to prepare someone for a rich and fulfilling life. Forget consequences and treats, which might work on a small child but would never work on anyone able to think for himself. At some point, the only way to get a person to conform to your ideals or methods is to convince him that it’s simply the most satisfying or effective way to live life. If you can’t convince anyone of that, you have to ask yourself: Why the hell did you choose it?


Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Leos, ruled by the sun, are sometimes as impossible to ignore as the massive ongoing nuclear reaction that sustains life on Earth. People do ignore the sun, though, or forget about it, or take it for granted. Clouds get in the way. Air conditioning cools them down, and they forget all about the warmth and radiance you offer. That’s not easy on a Leonine ego, but you have to get over it. Although people can do without you for short periods, they do ultimately need you. Get through your social dry spells without getting bitter. They won’t last long.


Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
We’re moving ever closer to a transparent society. Lots of people blog, twitter, or otherwise document their lives. UK traffic wardens have begun video-recording every encounter in case the footage is useful in court. Stuff like Google Street Views utterly shatters the illusion of privacy. Although this has its down-sides, I think it’s mostly positive; greater transparency means greater accountability. The more people know about you, the more impressed they’ll be, and the more you know about them, the more choices you’ll have, like whether to nail their asses to the wall, or forgive them, for what they’re doing (or not doing).


Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Information wants to be free,  they say, and sometimes it breaks out and spreads virally, like the code that lets tech-geeks copy HD-DVDs. The supposed powers-that-be tried to censor it; consequently, it exploded all over the Interweb. Trying to cover something up, or suppress it, will only backfire, Libra. (Books banned by the Christian right, for example, often skyrocket up bestseller lists.) Secrets get out. You’re deluding yourself if you think yours will stay hidden forever. When information you don’t want known surfaces this week, don’t get in its way. It will just knock you down and continue on stronger.


Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
You’ll find as you get older that you just get better and better. Some other signs find aging bewildering, and don’t know how to cope as they and their friends become old people and die. But Scorpios are more prepared for these inevitabilities, and so you’re not shocked by wrinkles and other signs of age. In fact, you can be a bastion of strength and support and guidance as people freak out. Scorpios need to ripen, I often say. That should be a comforting feeling to know that every taste of you someone gets will, generally, be more satisfying and delicious than the last.


Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Anyone who’s determined can make a podcast. The genre’s exploded in the last few years not because there’s money in it; very few people are living off their podcasts, and no one (as far as I know) is successfully charging people for them. And yet, I still think you could call them a tremendous success, if you judge them simply on their variety, interactivity, and phenomenal creativity. What values are you applying to your life at the moment? Is the thinness of your wallet influencing your sensibilities? Please don’t let it. Assess things (and people) on the richness they bring to your life, not their riches.


Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Capricorns excel at selective deafness and deliberate ignorance. Sometimes you choose to dumb yourselves down or blind yourselves to certain things in order to maintain the status quo. It’s not that you can’t cope with inevitable change, it’s that sometimes you’re the last ones to do so. Screw that. I’m fed up with your reputation as the intractable dinosaurs of the zodiac. The truth is you’re better equipped, resources-wise (financial, personal, and so on) than most of the rest of us to thrive in dynamic circumstances. I’ve never, ever doubted that you can. The question is: will you?


Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
The scientific community, throughout the last century or two, has usually presented its findings as fact, when in fact they’re simply theories. We human beings actually don’t know much about anything, even though we sometimes act as if we’ve got it all figured out. Most people just accept what they hear without questioning it. You can’t be so generous. One of your jobs, Aquarius, is Bullshit Detector. This week, read between the lines, out loud, for the rest of us. Don’t be swayed by propaganda and unsubstantiated accusations or statements. We need the truth, and you might be the only one who can penetrate that far and share it with us.


Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Every Pisces I know uses coping mechanisms that ultimately make things harder on themselves. Getting wasted, to use an obvious example, might enable a grand night, but will make being productive and happy during the next day or two much harder. My advice? Take a month off from your crutches. Don’t drink, smoke, have cheap sex, or whatever it is you do to supposedly make life a little easier to bear. After 30 days without your comforts and buffers, you will know more clearly what you should add back in to make life better—and what you shouldn’t, because it does more harm than good, overall. Sure, that means you may have a rough month ahead of you, but it also means you’ll have a much easier life ahead of that.


Aries (March 21-April 19)
The Tyrannosaurus Rex we grew up with is a myth. So might be the one some paleontologists present now, but still they believe their theories to be closer to the truth: T.Rex was probably a slow-moving scavenger, not the roaring, monstrous predator that tickles our imaginations. The Aries most people have in their brains is a myth, too. Sure, just like the supposed king of the dinosaurs, you can have your impressive moments, and you’re certainly capable of being larger than life. But you’re also a million other things. Even though those other aspects are less dramatic than most Ram stereotypes, they’re no less relevant. Unravel some astrological prejudices this week by showing off some of your less obvious facets.


Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Most studies about weight loss or weight gain seem to show one thing: fat people tend to stay fat, in the long run, and skinny people tend to stay skinny. Of course, a determined person with a long-term plan could probably have whatever body shape she wants, but mostly our bodies find a size they’re comfortable with, and push us to return to that whenever we diverge from it. So what does this mean? We can’t change? We might as well give up? No, I don’t think so. It’s just that the change you’re contemplating might require a bit more effort than you’re putting in. You choose: Call it quits, or step it up three notches. There’s no point in simply continuing as you have. You’ll just fail. 

Sign Language

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Gemini (May 21-June 20)
We sometimes regard being conscientious, generous or altruistically good as the province of those better off than we are. Sure, if you’re already wealthy, you may have the luxury of quitting your job and devoting the rest of your life to some grand (but achievable) goal like ridding the world of malaria. (I sure wish more rich folk would do just that!) Still, there’s always something you can do. Why aren’t you doing it? Is it because you’re lazy (why many affluent people do virtually nothing to improve others’ lives)? Don’t waste another day (we can’t afford) waiting on richer folk. Get off your ass and do something worthwhile. If you can’t be bothered, pretend you’re rich and open your wallet and give generously to people who can.


Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Recently approved drugs (which shall remain unnamed, as I’m no shill for exploitative pharmaceutical companies) enable women to cease menstruating. No more periods, period. Frankly, I can’t see the problem with people having more choices, but I’m sure some people will declare that these pills oppose the natural order of things—never mind the fact that until relatively recently, women hardly menstruated at all; they were too busy being pregnant. Screw those naysayers, anyway. There are some things only you should have control over. This week, claim your right to determine what happens to your own body, mind, and soul by telling anyone who thinks they have a say to get lost.


Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
What is royalty, noble Lion? Once, it was about which family you were born (or married) into. Now, it’s called celebrity, and it’s about beauty, or wealth, or a host of other things. The biggest difference between old-school royalty and the new-school variety is that kings and queens once had a duty to their people; few celebrities seem to feel the same way. (Can you imagine Paris Hilton doing anything truly for “the greater good?”) You are royalty, at least in your own circle. The question is, are you new school, in it for the ego-boost, or old school, a leader whose edicts and decisions benefit everyone?


Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
If a plant isn’t getting enough nutrients, sunlight, or water, it often sacrifices parts of itself; select leaves wilt and fall off, so that the rest of the plant might survive (and even thrive in less than perfect conditions). I know you’re loathe to lose any pieces of yourself or aspects of your life, but I hope you’ll consider this strategy anyway. It’s either wither away entirely, or cast off some dead weight that’s not really helping you at the moment. It shouldn’t be that hard; If you choose correctly, you should feel lighter and stronger, so much so that you’ll go from struggling to soaring, virtually overnight.


Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
I’m grossed out by perfume. In fact, if I notice someone smells, like anything other than a human being, it’s a huge turn-off. This isn’t because of some body odor fetish, but simply an allergy to anything that smacks of being fake or artificial. I value realness above niceness or prettiness, so whenever I think someone is hiding behind a scent or some affected attitude, I usually walk away. I don’t expect you to change your values to conform to mine (I know you prefer it when some of life’s rough edges (and odors) have been smoothed out.) I’m just explaining why someone you want to admire won’t even notice you: they might want someone who’s more real than nice.


Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
When people first become lucid in their dreams (aware that they’re dreaming), they nearly always do one of two things: fly or have sex. Advanced dreamers get more creative; they start with flying sex and move on from there to virtually limitless possibilities. Scorpios have tremendous potential to break from the norm and explore uncharted new territory, in dreams and life. When you choose to be, you’re the shamans of the modern age. Some of you, however, aren’t exactly doing your jobs. This week, get back to work. People need to know they have more than two choices; a lot of them need help figuring that out. Give them a hand, won’t you?

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
I’ve known a couple pathological liars in my life. They were consistently entertaining and compelling people (as they ought to be; anyone who makes up his entire life and still comes off as boring must have a shitty imagination.) They’re largely successful not because they’re Oscar-worthy actors or genius storytellers, but simply because people meet them halfway. They choose to believe the lies they’re told, even quite outlandish and incredible ones. Sagittarians are notorious truth-tellers; this ironically makes you astonishingly susceptible to more deceitful sorts. You’re unwittingly collaborating in someone else’s constructed fantasy reality, and it might get you in (emotional) trouble. Better identify, then pop, that bubble now, before you’re too far off the ground.


Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Some women get surgery to “restore” their virginity. However, even though they may bleed as if it’s their first time, the next time they have sex, their previous experiences will always be with them. Similarly, you might be able to create an equally hard-to-penetrate illusion about yourself. Those women have their own reasons to hide the fact they’ve had sex. What’s behind your own disguise? I doubt any of them start to believe that they’re really virgins again; you, however, have shown signs of starting to buy into your own smoke-and-mirrors act. Don’t do that. Whatever you make other people believe, once you start fooling yourself, you’re in deep trouble.


Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
The most interesting aspects of your life should teeter between exciting and overwhelming. If they don’t at least briefly veer into those wild emotional territories, it means you’re not aiming high enough or pushing strongly enough to manifest your dreams. What in your life makes your heart pound, your hands clammy, and your hopes soar? If your answer is “nothing,” then you’re screwing up. You’re wasting time. There’s got to be something out there that could simultaneously thrill and terrify you. If you haven’t found it yet, this week you ought to start looking in earnest.


Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Holding onto your rough edges can take courage and determination, especially for a Pisces. You Fish can find it terribly tempting to lie down and let life course over you like a swift river, until you’re as smooth and rounded as all the other river rocks. Losing your peculiar spiritual shape would be a shame, since you’re generally the most quirkily creative and idiosyncratic sign in the zodiac. We need the whimsical, impractical weirdness only you can bring to the table (only if you resist the pressure to conform). I understand the urge to go with the flow; I just hope you’re still willing to slice through it some of the time.


Aries (March 21-April 19)
Non sequiturs are the name of this week’s game. Your best strategy for moving forward, avoiding conflict, or triumphing in a fight of any kind, is simply to keep people guessing. That means stretching your creativity to its limits and surprising even yourself. When was the last time you did that, Aries? I want you to shock yourself to the roots of your hair with what you’re capable of. If you can do that, you’ll not only be living a very exciting and interesting life indeed, anyone who might get in your way will be so off-balance you could knock them over with a feather, or a word.


Taurus (April 20-May 20)
When you can’t win, laugh. I can understand why you’re letting yourself get angry, frustrated, or upset, but I wish you wouldn’t. There’s simply nothing you can change about the situation—except your reaction to it. Since whatever’s bugging you is likely to continue, you have two choices: continue to allow it to screw with your well-being, or get over it. At the very least get to a place where it’ll roll off your back; if you can manage to find some way to genuinely laugh at the thing, we’ll all be much, much happier.

Sign Language

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Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Relating to matters of the heart, you have some relationships that are strictly one way. That is, your dear friend tells you everything that’s going on for her, but when it comes time to share your own feelings, your mouth might as well be sewn shut. I know you don’t want to bitch or whine about your inner turmoil. You might not even need to share that stuff, since you’re perfectly capable of coping on your own. But sharing isn’t always for you. Sometimes, it’s for your friends. Letting them know what’s in your heart isn’t selfish; it’s actually a kind of gift. Won’t you give it to them?


Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Geminis often have difficulty expressing their emotions; some Cancers, on the other hand, can tend towards the opposite extreme: over-articulation of every little thing they’re going through. Your ability to speak eloquently about your inner world is one of your talents, but it can be taken too far, and ultimately drive people away from you. As I told Geminis this week, letting people be privy to your private inner world is generally a gift. But there’s also such a thing as over-sharing. Are you guilty? Is it a feeling of intimacy you’re creating, or simply too much information?


Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
You can rock this week’s Sagittarian Full Moon, if you play their game. Let’s review what that means: Archers are truth-tellers and truth-seekers. Check. Wearing your heart on your sleeve and cutting through bullshit are no problem for you. They’re born adventurers, and like things wild and chaotic. Check. You do like to be in charge a lot of the time, but you’re able to occasionally let go and go along for the ride. Sagittarians are never snobs; they’ll gladly and amiably talk to anyone. Yeah. That one might be trickier for you. This week, deliberately develop amnesia about any judgments you’ve made. I’m betting you (and everyone else) will be much happier.


Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
You’re actually not an especially brilliant multi-tasker. It’s more that you’ve mastered the art of making everything you do serve multiple purposes. Sometimes, though, that doesn’t always work. It may be frustrating to have to do something that’s uneconomical and only serves one end, but this week, do it anyway, because it’s not for you. It’s for someone you love. Making other people happy is rarely a streamlined, efficient, or logical process. Nevertheless, I hope you realize that, even though you could be accomplishing 10 times as much in the same time, this is more important. So quit your bitching and do what you have to do—and do it well.


Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Dressing up like a little girl in pigtails and ribbons won’t make you appear innocent; in fact, in most cases it would have exactly the opposite effect. Similarly, you can’t simply put on the appearance of whatever you want to be and hope you’ll come off that way. People will see right through it. If you want to transform, you’ve got to wreak that metamorphosis from the inside out. This will take much longer and require tons more effort than you may have originally wanted to put into this life change. Are you up for it? On the plus side, by the time you manifest whatever it was that you wanted to bring into your life, it won’t matter what you wear; the transformation will be written all over you.


Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Some plants are resilient. You can cut off a stem, plop it in water, and the plant will magically grow some roots, new leaves, and become viable on its own. Others will simply wilt and die. You could take either metaphorical route this week: opportunistically expanding, even though you’re cut up and put in unfamiliar territory, or giving up and wilting because you don’t have access to your usual sources of nourishment and comfort. Obviously, we’d both prefer you take the former path, but you might not quite know how. Here’s a hint: without roots or leaves, you’ll have to figure out some other way of getting the things you need to survive and thrive. If a plant can do that, you can, too.


Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
There’s nothing wrong with allowing yourself to be led from the path you’d chosen for yourself. That’s often how you discover new, better ways of living. Sometimes, though, you don’t even realize you’ve been led badly astray until you meet someone who reminds you of who you really are (or were). Some people challenge you to become something or someone new. That’s great. But some people don’t expect you to be anything more (or less) than you already are, quite naturally. You’ve done enough rising to the occasion lately. This week, find someone who’ll let you take a seat, relax, and enjoy just being yourself.


Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Some people are always late because they just don’t give a shit. Being punctual isn’t the least bit important to them, and they only pretend to feel guilty when they’ve kept you waiting, again. Others, however, are frequently tardy because they simply don’t have a very firm grasp on time; a passing hour can seem like 10 minutes inside their heads. You’re habitually punctual, and get annoyed when others aren’t, regardless of their reasons. Since you’ll have to deal with both types of late-comers quite a lot this week, circumvent your annoyance by short-circuiting their lateness. Ask them to meet you a half-hour before you actually want to, and everyone will show up at the same time, happy.


Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Anyone who’s had a kid, a beloved pet, or a lover knows that feeling of fierce protectiveness that seems to sprout from some deep, instinctual place that’s at least somewhat irrational and only partially subject to our conscious minds. That animal self is a source of power, insight, and strength. While you’re right that you shouldn’t let it rule you, sometimes Aquarians put a bit too much distance between their overbearing, overanalyzing minds, and it. This week, tap into that primal inner spring. What you need the most to get to the next chapter—be it passion, drive, or guiding instincts—can be found there.


Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
People are often willing to cut you slack. But sometimes you’ve just got to bring it, without excuses, regardless of what else is going on for you. They don’t care if you have a fever, a broken arm, or a broken heart. You either deliver, or you don’t. Many Pisceans are quick to give up when they face this kind of ultimatum. It’s not that they lack the ability to succeed and even thrive despite adversity. They could (and many Fish do). It’s simply because they don’t have the kind of drive and rebellion that would keep, say, an Aries on his feet with two sprained ankles. This week, work on your drive. Are you hungry enough? Show us.


Aries (March 21-April 19)
Rams are creatures of extremes. Even though they often come off as the boldest and most confident people around, they’re frequently also the most insecure. Aries I know to be brilliant, extroverted, and wildly successful have confessed that they secretly thought that virtually everyone they knew was cooler than they were. How many pedestals have you built to put your friends and heroes up on? How disappointed (or relieved) were you when they fell off, in the past? I don’t know that you need to go running around knocking down imaginary pedestals just to bring your friends down to “your level.” Personally, I’d rather you built a new one and climbed up.


Taurus (April 20-May 20)
What’s perfect isn’t perfect. In fact, this week you ought to live for the imperfections, the cracks in the façade, the unexpected. You need distraction and adversity to really come into your own. Given total serenity and the “perfect” working environment, for example, I doubt you’d get anything done. You’re stiff and you need to stretch out and use your emotional (as well as physical, muscles). That means putting yourself in situations where they’ll get a workout, that will truly challenge you. Choose circumstances which require tremendous flexibility. Forget what’s ideal. Go for what’s exciting.

Sign Language

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Gemini (May 21-June 20)
It’s new school vs. old school this week, and guess what? You, of course, get to push for the new, better way of doing things. Newer isn’t always an improvement; quite often the opposite, actually, which is where the old school gets its strength. However, this time, traditional sticks-in-the-mud have it wrong, and it’s up to you to show (and prove) it to them. Are you up to the task? I think you are. Hint: “Do as I say, not as I do,” won’t cut it this week. You can’t tell them how things could be better. You have to show them.


Cancer (June 21-July 22)
A strong desire for surprises can often help you in life. In fact, they’re about the only thing you can, ultimately, count on. Having expectations—of your children, say—will only lead to disappointment. However, entering parenthood or a relationship with excitement about all the unknowable things the new person will bring into your life is going to make you much happier than the vain hope that you can effectively steer them or your connection in any direction. How deep is your thirst for exploring uncontrollable, thrilling new territory with someone new? This week, swallow a spoonful of salt or do whatever it takes to make sure it’s fairly unquenchable, because that’s what you’ll be up to.


Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Imagine you were an animal with only one chance per year of having a baby. If predators or circumstance claimed a few of your precious infants, it would be quite hard to contemplate trying again. Hopefully, you would, anyway, and you’d also be smart enough to attempt a different strategy to help your child survive. Luckily, you can breed whenever you like. Falling in love, however, is another matter. Most Leos only open to that every so often—and with less frequency after being hurt or screwed over. However, I hope you haven’t given up forever—and that, when you do allow the possibility again, you try something truly different, something that might just allow your love to survive.


Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Although world-renowned as the epitome of practicality, you ought to be equally well-known for some of your cockamamie ideas. You’re usually a miracle of efficiency, so practically no one notices when you pour your abundant energy into these truly twisted and deluded ventures, except those closest to you (who probably tried to stop you, and would have, if you weren’t so stubborn). I won’t try to convince you not to pursue your latest private obsession (these zany side trips are part of what I love about you). However, if your idiosyncrasies get in the way of something undeniably real (like your relationship), would you consider, at least this week, taking them down a notch or two?


Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
If you ask advice of a friend, be prepared to seriously consider taking it, even if it’s not what you want to hear. You’re under absolutely no obligation to do what they say—but you ought to give it a fair listen. If you’re simply fishing for validation, don’t piss off your friends by ignoring them if they don’t give it to you. Everyone deludes themselves at times. Sometimes you have the benefit of a straight-talking, no-bullshit friend who’ll help you cut through an illusion or two, if you let them. This week, won’t you let them?


Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Instead of looking at how much you have left to do, consider how much you’ve already done. Yes, the road ahead of you is long, but you’ve come a long way so far. That ought to give you strength and hope. Regarding the stretch ahead of you at the moment is too daunting. Instead, look back at what you’ve already endured and survived, and remind yourself you could do it again, and then some. Your trials and travails may have worn you down on the surface, but underneath they’ve tempered and developed your strength. Dig deep. You’ll find underneath your weary, exhausted exterior, you’re steel.


Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
As I write this, it’s been raining for days, and even the most adventurous Sags I know have become homebodies, staring glumly out their spotted windows and waiting for the sun to return. You know the feeling, don’t you? Sometimes there’s nothing you can do about a situation except cool your heels and wait it out. That’s exactly the case this week. Being proactive will only frustrate and exhaust you, and possibly make circumstances worse. Chill out. The more you can give this knotty situation a bit of breathing space, the more likely it will untangle itself.


Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
You need carrots, not cattle-prods, this week. You’ve had enough nagging and ass-kicking in your life lately. You deserve some kind of reward. Not a vacation, not yet. You’ve still got a lot to do. But maybe you can find a way to treat yourself after every step along the way? You might need the promise (and delivery) of sweet treats, or massages, or dates, or screws, to get you through the next few chapters. Don’t deny yourself. Being stern and hard on yourself isn’t going to cut it at the moment. Be sweet, gentle, and encouraging instead.


Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Don your verbal boxing gloves, because it’s time to step up (again) and go to battle for what you know is right and just. Why you? It’s your job, I’m afraid. You’re the most versatile and rugged of the air signs, and uniquely qualified. Libras make great politicians and moderators, and Geminis are funny and inventive. But only you can marry emotion to fact effectively and not be knocked out by a determined counterattack. That’s what’s required this week: someone to stand up for what they believe in who can take a few punches and keep on fighting. Like it or not, darling, that’s you.


Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
It’s like you were bitten by a Volkswagen-sized spider, and now you’re just waiting, paralyzed, for it to return and suck out your insides. Only the waiting can last months or years, and there’s no spider venom; this incapacitation is purely self-induced. What you need to know is that it only gets worse; the longer you wait before you act, the harder it will be. The thing you also need to know is that it’s never too late to step up and do something. Quit waiting, you delusional creature. Haven’t you suffered enough? I guarantee that whatever you do now will hurt you less, in the long run, than not doing anything, and, even if it stings a bit now, you won’t regret it.


Aries (March 21-April 19)
Is anybody still listening to you? Sometimes, you get so impassioned about something that you can go on. And on. And not even notice that everyone you’re talking to has tuned out, or even walked away. Pay attention, darling. Most of the people around you adore you, but if you take that adoration for granted, it might just get a bit frayed around the edges. Success and happiness this week means seeing the world as it is, and that means noticing that not everyone quite shares your enthusiasms. You still ought to share them—but perhaps in slightly smaller doses.


Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Your Earthy cousins have it rough. Capricorns never take a break because their ambition won’t let them, and Virgos can’t relax and chill out because they simply have too much energy. Sometimes I wish they’d both take a page out of your book, since you know how to get shit done and occasionally stop and enjoy life. Won’t you share your hard-won wisdom with them, and get them to sit down long enough to smell some roses, drink some iced tea, and simply do nothing more than shoot the shit? Hint: getting them to stop what they’re doing may involve sitting on them and pinning them to the ground. (Watch out: they may bite; luckily, you can take them.)

Sign Language

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Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You’re tough. Sometimes that means it’s your job to take on more than, say, your partner or your friends, simply because you can. You can handle that little bit of extra abuse or punishment, while they’d crumple beneath the pressure. It’s not fair, not at all. But it is, somehow, right. I guess you’re thinking how much it sucks to be you right now, but maybe you can see it another way: It may be twisted, but you’re actually lucky that you’re strong enough to take it, and to be able to show those you love just how much you adore them by picking up some of their slack.


Gemini (May 21-June 20)
You did stuff a decade ago that you’d be embarrassed about now, and chances are in 10 years you’ll be sheepish about whatever you do tomorrow. That’s life. Resisting change is futile, especially this week. Shit finds you either way, but the good stuff only comes along if you’re willing to embrace and seek out the new. Besides, if you’re really the same person you were a decade ago, I feel sorry for you (as well as everyone who knows you). How dull. I know you value certain things about who you were 10 years ago, but there’s a way to keep those essentials while welcoming vital transformation. This week, show us you know how to do exactly that.


Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Some of your friends have discovered that you’re a convenient mouthpiece they can use to voice anything dissenting, unpleasant, or unpopular. Being outspoken is one of your talents, but it’s also a kind of curse, because you get all the fallout from shit other people have actually started. Don’t let yourself play the role of ventriloquist’s dummy. If your buddies have something unpleasant to say, let them say it themselves. They probably won’t, which begs the question: if it wasn’t worth it to them to open their mouths to speak their piece, why should you?


Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
My mom used to frequently (half) joke that the main reason she had kids was for the free labor. There’s nothing wrong, of course, with giving your children chores and responsibilities, but it’s important to remember your duty to them, too. Whether you’re a parent, a boss, a teacher, or anyone who has some degree of authority over others, you have an obligation to them as well. Their wellbeing, to some extent, is your responsibility. Your job, especially this week, is to use that authority in the way that will benefit them the most, not you.


Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
I’m always astonished by how many people believe in heaven and hell. The apparent sheer idiocy required to embrace such outlandish concepts is mind-boggling. However, I’m not entirely certain that these ridiculous people are stupid so much as lazy. They obviously haven’t thought through their ideas to their logical conclusions, and seen how completely preposterous and unworkable they are. You’ve been a bit lazy, too. What you’ve chosen to put your faith and energy into isn’t as crazy as believing in heaven, hell and purgatory, but plainly you haven’t taken more than one or two mental steps further down that path. This week, take the time to clearly picture that trail’s destination. Before you take another step, make sure it’s really some place you’d like to go.


Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
I suppose we’re lucky your god doesn’t jump at your beck and call, or else we’d have lightning striking people down left and right. Maybe you’re right in passing judgment, and maybe you’re not. In any case, can you shut up about it a bit? It’s none of your business. Although you’ve got pretty good armor between you and the world, it does have chinks, and those you’re talking shit about (however justifiably) will find and exploit them, if you don’t chill out. This might involve temporarily removing yourself from the situations that are pissing you off, but if that’s what it takes to keep from going on the holy righteous warpath, then that’s what you ought to do.


Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Some say that the best offense is a good defense, and while I disagree with that in general (especially when it’s as misguided and screwed up as our supposed “war on terror”), in your case it might be your best strategy. You have a chance to knock down some of your opposition before it can pose a threat. Your alternative is waiting until those you love get hurt and fixing them up afterwards (which, of course, you’re quite good at). But wouldn’t you prefer to mix it up a bit and spare them the emotional bruises and scrapes? You can’t always do that. This week, you can.


Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Jack-of-all-trades, but master of none—that suits you down to the ground most of the time. But every once in a while you acquire a longing to be great, truly great at something, instead of quite good at most things. This, too, lies in your grasp, you amazing creature, but it does involve a certain amount of sacrifice (greatness generally always does). This week, a higher level of achievement is available to you, but to get there you really have to be almost insanely focused, putting pretty much everything else on the back burner, including family, friends, downtime and fun. Now that you know it’s possible, and what it will take, it’s up to you to decide whether or not it’s worth it.


Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
You’re wiser than you think. It’s not like you have all the answers and are ready to play spiritual advisor to all your friends. But you do have one or two answers, ones you shouldn’t hesitate to share right away. After all, you’ve spent years figuring this shit out. Just think, if you and your friends (most of whom also have one or two different answers) pool your collective knowledge in an open, honest, and constructive way, you’ll all be that much closer to real wisdom and enlightenment. Of course, to do that, you might have to stop biting your tongue and just call it as you see it. Are you ready to do that (and to hear it, too)? If so, this week, let it rip.


Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
You can only pour so much caffeine down your gullet before it ceases to be useful. Eventually, nothing can replace a good night’s sleep and a solid meal. Similarly, trying to compensate for other lacks in your life with artificial substitutes won’t get you anywhere (although, like chugging espresso, they might seem to help for a little while). You need the real thing, whether it be love and affection, support and encouragement, or simply a purpose in life. Luckily, this week you should be able to get quite a bit closer to getting some of that good stuff into your life, and foregoing coffee (or its equivalents) forever.


Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
You’re practically a shape-shifter, the way you can dramatically take on different roles in various situations. Someone who meets you in one context may have tremendous difficulty recognizing you in another, because you’re not at all the same. You act differently, and may even look like someone else. This is an amazing talent, but it can also inspire mistrust in people who require a bit more consistency (or, you could say, a bit less elasticity) in those around them. Can you be reliable as well as flexible? If so, this week make that undeniably clear.


Aries (March 21-April 19)
Where’s your moral compass pointing these days? I think it could benefit from a bit of stretching and exercise, because things are never quite as black and white as you’ve made them out to be lately. You’re likely to be operating in a very foggy gray area, this week especially. While in general you do have a good grasp of “right” and “wrong,” you’re not the be-all, end-all authority on the subject. Sure, you could sit on your high horse and be hardnosed and unyielding, but that’d be mighty hypocritical of you (even if you don’t realize it yet). Practice compassion over principle this week. Sometime soon, you’ll be glad you did.

Sign Language

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Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Last time you locked horns regarding this particularly touchy topic, you lost (or won so indecisively it doesn’t count). What confounds me is that you’re heading back into battle wielding the exact same strategies and arguments you used last time. Why would you think the outcome would be any different? Be more creative than that, Taurus. Can’t you find another, better way to advance your agenda? You will need to be open-minded and flexible—so much so, that you might begin to see things the way your opponents do. And that, you may realize (if you’re not too stubborn), is hardly the worst thing that could happen.


Gemini (May 21-June 20)
We don’t give much value to dreams in our culture. To be fair, most dreams probably don’t mean anything, at least on any level that’d be useful to you in your waking life. But occasionally your subconscious mind uses that forum to communicate something essential that your conscious mind may be missing or (semi-deliberately) overlooking. You needn’t necessarily act on one seemingly significant dream along these lines (although I’d consider it, at least), but once you’ve had three, you’d be kind of foolish not to, even if (perhaps especially if) it’s something your conscious mind isn’t all that crazy about.


Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Resist the urge to “test” people. Setting traps for people to get caught in, proving correct your own worst fears and suspicions about them, is incredibly screwed up. It’s also a form of self-sabotage; if you set someone up to trip and fall, they probably will, thereby proving your most negative views about the world. It doesn’t have to be that way. Hope for the best (or at least the very good), especially this week, but really every week. This means you’ll be disappointed, perhaps even often. But it also means you’ll be occasionally delighted—an option the test-and-trap scenario simply won’t allow.


Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
In some cultures, a girl’s first menstruation is proudly, publicly announced and celebrated. In our culture, it’s generally a different story. Some of the women I know experienced fear and confusion when they got their first periods; most suffered some form of embarrassment. In some cases, this purely natural and inevitable phenomenon is a continuous source of shame or disgust that must be shrouded in secrecy. I’m sick of the way people allow themselves to be programmed to reject or hide the natural functions of their own bodies. We all shit, stink, bleed, and get horny. Why are you still feeling shy about any of that? This week, get over at least some of that lameass uptight bullshit, if you can.


Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
When things are going really well, you get delusional. The pervasive conviction that you can control everything creeps up on you, and, before you know it, you’re fully in its thrall. Then when things inevitably go awry, you get your panties all twisted in a knot. If you simply insist on being deluded, please head in the opposite direction, and assume nothing is yours to command or define. The truth, of course, lies somewhere between, but you may find that while the illusion of absolute control produces only anxiety, disappointment, and frustration, letting go of that control is likely to bless you with relief, satisfaction, and delight.


Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
I’d love to see you puff up your chest and take dominant control of a situation. I’m picturing you—perhaps dressed in black leather and wielding a whip—barking commands and dishing out consequences for others’ mistakes. You’re probably laughing at me, though, because you know even better than I do that this just ain’t your style. You tend to opt for more diplomatic, polite, non-confrontational methods. However, I hope that even if you forgo the black leather, you’ll consider being more direct and forceful this week. The situation requires it, since tact and gentle reminders won’t get the job done.


Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Don’t confuse yourself. You know what you want. You know what you like. What’s messing you up is that you wish you desired and adored different things than you actually do. It’s very tricky. I’ve seen people marry someone because they look like the person they think they ought to marry, instead of choosing the one who actually makes them happy (and horny). Screw that goody-goody programmed self, who’d have you ignore your actual desires. I promise you that your perfect lover and partner will not look or act anything like what you imagined. Continuing to cling to those illusions will mean you might miss out on the real thing entirely.


Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
I have an unemployed neighbor who can be seen at all hours restlessly strolling around with his dog or lounging in the sun smoking a joint. At first glance, it might seem like he’s living the nice life (he gets a nice government check that keeps him in clothes, food, and pot), but I know better. That kind of thing is lovely for a week or two here and there, but after months on end, I suspect he’s dying for something to do. You’re so intent on your pursuit of freedom that I’m not entirely sure you’d know what to do with it if you got it. In other words, I’ll whip out that old saw: be careful what you wish for; you just might get it—and it might not be nearly as good as you thought it would be.


Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
If you’re not ready now, when will you be? You’ve been avoiding fulfilling your dreams or getting into a serious relationship (heck, some of you are even avoiding casual ones) for how long now? Ages. Way too long, and way longer than you intended, if you’re honest with yourself. And what’s changed? Not a whole lot. Now, if you can truly promise that you’ll be ready on a specific date in the near future (six months, tops) to finally let yourself go there, and provide good reasons for waiting until then, I might let you off the hook. Otherwise, my command is unequivocal: Stop waiting. Open up. Dive in. Now.


Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
The person (or people) you want to impress doesn’t give a shit about mitigating circumstances. In fact, your ability to cope with mitigating circumstances is part of what they’re evaluating here. “You make it sound like I’m auditioning for something or interviewing for a job,” you might say. In a way, you are. Negotiating a relationship, for example, is a lot like closing a business deal, even if the language is a lot different and much of the give and take is non-verbal and not in contract form. Don’t bother complaining that this isn’t fair, that you’re not ready, etc. Nobody cares. Just rise to the challenge, shine, and impress. You can.


Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
You have a powerful intuition, but sometimes simply heeding its urges isn’t enough, especially when there are so many different (and often conflicting) ones; you end up taking a couple steps in a dozen different directions, and ultimately don’t go anywhere. Aren’t you tired of being stuck in the same place? I’m a big fan of trusting your gut, but you have a head for a reason. I still say go with what your instincts are telling you—but this week use your brain to decide which instincts to heed, and which to at least temporarily ignore, in favor of forward progress.


Aries (March 21-April 19)
Ah, hindsight is a wonderful, miserable, terrible thing, isn’t it? Sometimes it’s only by looking back on a situation, relationship, or job that you can see how absolutely wrong it was for you. In retrospect it’s astounding how long you endured those circumstances without realizing how bad they were for you. It’s good that you realized it eventually, at least, even if it took you ages longer than it should have. There’s no point in kicking yourself about those past mistakes. What you really need to concentrate on instead is trying to keep yourself from making new, similar ones, which is far more likely than it ought to be.

Sign Language

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Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Forget explanations, excuses, or apologies, even if they’re what’s being requested of you. What the person you’ve slighted really wants is something like the tiniest piece of your heart. A confession of emotion would be perfect, if it’s genuine. Don’t bother explaining all the mitigating factors, your good intentions, accidental circumstances, and so on. Even if they’re technically accurate, your aim is to make someone feel better (or at least stop being so mad at you), so that shit won’t carry much weight. Try a simple, sincere “I love you,” instead. I bet it will do the trick better than any excuse (no matter how good) ever could.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Some people respond to stress by becoming bitchy, irritable, selfish and demanding. Ultimately, that’s a forgivable and understandable offense, but automatically switching into crap-on-everyone mode when something shitty happens isn’t really the best scenario. The next time you’re stressed out, don’t dump on everyone around you and then demand they forgive you for it. They would absolve you, and love you regardless, but imagine how much more they’d adore you if you managed to respond to misery-inducing situations with serenity, and asked for their help without rudeness or self-indulgent whining.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Don’t let your generosity get the best of you. By that I don’t mean look out for yourself, but, ironically, look out for others. Sometimes they don’t want or need your help, and what they especially don’t need is to feel guilty for not accepting it once you’ve offered it. No one questions that your heart’s in the right place in suggesting you could help out. However, try not to take it personally when someone can’t or won’t accept your aid. They have their own reasons for refusing, and chances are, those have nothing to do with you. The next time you offer help, make sure you snip any attached strings first.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
This week you might discover a big heavy safe, like the kind found in a bank or a crime kingpin’s secret back room, in the middle of your hallway. Not only is the immovable thing practically taunting you with its inconvenient location, but also with the possibility of immense riches being held within. Of course, I’m talking figuratively rather than literally. The “safe” is probably a person who is simultaneously an obstacle, a mystery, and a possible source of hidden treasure. Luckily this week is also quite likely to present you with a key, so even if you can’t move the thing, at least you can find out what’s inside it. Keep your eyes peeled.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Proving someone stole a car, or even a credit card, is way easier than demonstrating they ripped off an idea. They can always say: “Hey, I just thought of the same thing at the same time!” Sometimes that’s even the case. I also don’t think over-the-top paranoid protection of our ideas is the way to go, especially in this day and age when a lot of cool art and music is being made by recycling and reinventing other people’s creations. However, since getting credit for your brilliance (and other people’s, when they copy you) is important to you right now, all I can suggest is making sure you document it in some way. Then, when someone tries to pass off your work as their own, you can nail them to the wall.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
I’m always astonished when I meet people who appear to utterly lack noble aspirations. I’m not suggesting that we should all necessarily dream of “saving the world” (although it’d be nice if we did), but I’m depressed when someone can’t even imagine herself outside of the impossibly tiny, dull, limited bubble she calls reality, and doesn’t hope for anything better for herself than a decent-sized TV and clothes that don’t make her ass look big. I know you’re not guilty of not having big dreams, Libra. Lately, however, you may have let your pettiest aspirations eclipse your more noble ones. Remedy that this week, won’t you?

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
The worst mistake you could commit is expecting reason, logic, and calm to prevail in someone who’s rarely displayed these qualities before. Not that you should go into the situation with your dukes up, ready for a smackdown (that would surely invite disaster). Give them a chance to act like a mature human being, but should they fall short of that admirable goal, don’t freak out. One of you needs to remain mature, and that means you. Wield your infamous tough love, and gracefully fix this, without taking any shit. You’ve got the power to make this all okay—for everyone, not just yourself. Please use it.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Hunters and environmentalists often come from quite different socio-political brackets and can tend to disagree on many, many issues. However, when it comes to conserving parklands and wilderness, they’re suddenly on the same page, if for different reasons. Most of those people are willing to gratefully accept help from wherever they can get it, and you should be, too, this week. Within reason, accept aid from whoever proffers it, whatever their motives. You’ll probably be surprised who steps up to help you out, and who doesn’t, and why. Worry about the specifics later. For now, get done what needs to get done, and sort out the whys and hows when the dust settles.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
What tricks do you have up your sleeve, you wily magician? This week it’s time to explain the mechanics of some of your best metaphorical sleight-of-hand masterpieces. This won’t put you out of a job or make people lose respect for you. Quite the contrary, actually; you’ll be more in demand than ever, because so little of what you do relies on illusion; most of it’s wrought through hard work and skill, which are hard to reproduce. Once people realize there are almost no gimmicks contributing to your coolness, they’ll be awed, as they ought to be. You want that, don’t you?

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
You’re not as unlucky in love as you think. Sure, you’ve had some shitty times and made some bad decisions. But you’re being just a little too hard on yourself. A few bad runs and you’re ready to throw in the towel. Do you think every good baseball player scored a home run on his first game, or a painter managed a masterpiece the first time she picked up a brush? Sure, some people get it on the first try, but most successful people worked at whatever they’re successful at, and did it a lot before they managed to succeed. Don’t give up after five, 10 or 100 failed relationships. They’re all just practice for the one that’ll work. Learn from each, and hope for the best every time. One day, you’ll get it.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
I’ve fielded many complaints about you Fish over the years. That’s not unusual; everyone complains about everyone, and no one’s perfect. What’s interesting, however, is that although the details differ, virtually all the complaints about Pisceans boil down to just one thing: failure to match your great (and often inspired) intentions to a concrete and comprehensive follow-through. In other words, you say you’ll do one thing everyone would be thrilled for you to do, and then you do another (or, frequently, do nothing). This week, make your deeds match your words, not because of the complaints, but because it’s quite simply a good thing to do, once in a while, and especially this week.

Aries (March 21-April 19)
For crying out loud, don’t bite anyone in the ass for doing you a favor. If someone goes above and beyond the call of duty, accept it at that and be grateful for it, even if it’s not exactly what you might have wished, or done as you would have. I just watched a Ram bitch out someone for mistakes they wouldn’t have made if they weren’t doing something especially generous and nice in the first place. Don’t make people regret sticking their necks out. You should be encouraging generosity, not criticizing it—especially this week, when that generosity will directly benefit you.

Sign Language

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Taurus (April 20-May 20)
I heard a theory that after we die, we simply stay ourselves, for eternity. For some people, stuck being themselves forever is hell; for others, heaven. Forget the afterlife; the theory can be applied right now. Life is hellish for some because of circumstance (or heavenly despite circumstance); for others existence is miserable simply because of who they are. Whether or not you’ll still be you after you die, focus this week on making yourself easier to live with and love. Finding a way to more often enjoy being you is, for obvious reasons, a great thing to do; it might also be an investment in an enjoyable eternity.


Gemini (May 21-June 20)
You became boring, suddenly. Why? It’s because you’re just sitting around waiting for something to happen. Sure, your intentions are good; you want to give someone else a chance to be a catalyst, which is sweet of you. However, other people mostly suck at it. Embrace your vital and exciting role as mover and shaker. We need you to stir things up and jumpstart action and change. Please forget taking the backseat this week. You belong in front. If someone else wants to step up, let them push you out of the way and do a better job, if they can.


Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Next week features the Scorpio Full Moon. It might be a bit obvious to point out that this full moon is a sexy one. It’s springtime, and the full moon always makes people a little wild; having it fall into the most lascivious and sexual slice of the astrological pie only makes things so intense that resistance is futile. In other words, I’m encouraging you to embrace your spring fever wholeheartedly and run with it as far as you can go. This is not the time for staid, conservative baby-making missionary-position sex. No, you should be indulging your wildest fantasies instead. Spend this week thinking up and perfecting them.


Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
I used to resist my frequent role as group organizer and motivator. I’d say, “This time, let someone else pull it all together.” Then I’d watch, frustrated, as everything fell apart and time was wasted. For a while I debated which was more frustrating: putting in the time and energy to communicate with and organize everyone (and then feel a certain sense of responsibility when anything went wrong), or taking a break from all that and watching a whole lot of nothing happen. Eventually, I realized that, whether I like it or not, I’m pretty good at it, and it’s easier (and better for everyone) if I mostly embrace it. You’re good at it, too. If that’s what your friends and coworkers want and need from you, you might as well stop resenting it and give it to them.


Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Trust is a funny thing. Distrust someone and they’ll almost certainly justify it. In choosing to trust them you may set yourself up for disappointment, but you’ll also give them a chance to come through, which is really the best-case-scenario for everyone. Life is full of disappointments, but allowing that shit to change you for the worse would be a tragedy. I think letting yourself migrate from reasonable caution to habitual distrust is about the worst thing you could do, and—especially this week—you ought to kick the ass of anyone who moves you even incrementally further in that direction.


Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
I occasionally offend people with my bluntness. That is a problem you almost never have; in fact, it’s usually quite the opposite: people miss your point because you’re too indirect. Subtlety may circumvent confrontation, but if your message isn’t communicated, why bother opening your mouth at all? This week, screw tact. If you’ve got something to say, say it unequivocally, in terms no one can misunderstand or misinterpret. It’s in everyone’s best interest that you get your point across. If you’re too afraid or you can’t be bothered to do that effectively, then I suggest just keeping your mouth shut.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
This is a good week for sleep deprivation. Not only are you likely to want to skip some sleep because of all the fun and excitement you’ll hopefully be experiencing, but also because going without sleep once in a while is, perversely, good for you. Yes, you make more mistakes when you’re tired, but your brain is also more apt to experience flashes of a kind of brilliance not available to your rested, more rational self. One of those bursts of inspiration is likely to change your life for months, years, or forever. All you need do is open the door (by staying awake at odd hours), and welcome it in.


Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
I wouldn’t say you’re unfashionable or anything, but you Archers are rarely lauded as paragons of good taste. You don’t care much about trendiness and although you can appreciate a good design, you’re not likely to want to pay extra for it; in general you choose function over fashion. I only mention this habit because sometimes you shortchange yourself; because of your easygoing, pragmatic nature, you frequently settle for the first thing that’ll work, when something equally useful and much more beautiful might be just around the corner. This week, hold out a little bit and shop around—whether you’re looking for a computer, car, house or lover. If you can have something that works perfectly and is also gorgeous, why settle for drab and functional?


Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
You’ll never really know what’s inside someone else’s head. You might as well try to read the mind of a dog or cat. Even our pets’ thoughts are entirely unknowable, and those are probably quite a bit simpler than those of your average human. Trying to read between the lines of anything someone else says or does is a surefire prescription for a kind of insanity, preceded by a nervous breakdown. Leave it alone. All you can and should do is take what someone gives you at face value, and serenely leave it at that.


Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Eliminate all unnecessary distractions immediately. You already have way too many of those, and this week’s likely to dump a whole slew of new ones on you. So, while you can, get rid of anything and everything that’s likely to come between you and the things you really want to get done. Keep it simple has to be your mantra right now, or else your life is likely to dissolve into ineffective chaos and clutter. Simplicity is your salvation at work, at home, with your friends, with meals, clothes, and so on. As for anything that’s likely to unduly complicate your life, see if there’s any way you can (nicely) postpone it for a while. In a couple of weeks, you’ll be able to take it on with aplomb.


Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Are you making progress or treading water? If you sat down today and decided to draw one thousand pictures of trees, would they all be more or less identical to the very first one? Or would the last hundred be far better than your earlier attempts? You shouldn’t expect anything unreasonable from yourself. You can’t have a perfect body two weeks after starting a workout at the gym. But I don’t think forward progress and evolution is too much to ask of yourself. This week, make sure you’re moving on, not standing still (or worse, drifting backwards).


Aries (March 21-April 19)
You’ll never know if this particular idea will work until you try it. In fact, you might need to try it a few times before it’ll work; if you’re discouraged by your first failure, you’ll never get anywhere. Persistence is the key to this one, at least to a point. Having said that, I should add that there’s no point in beating your head against a brick wall, either; some ideas are simply doomed to failure. There will come a time when you might have to recognize that this is one of those. However, that time hasn’t yet come. Your idea is new, fresh, and has every chance of succeeding. No, scratch that. It has every chance you give it.