Shaky Sanchez’s ‘Gau Jones!
Startled Sanchez, deep The rest of Sanchez’s "‘KEYBS!’ Saluting Sanchez is proud
in the trance-state into which he submerges–well, belly-flops retardedly–to
attune himself to the mysterious galactic energies that transmit Britney
Spears jokes into Sanchez’s mind, emerged from his one-man seance with
a loud, wheezy gasp! Woozy Sanchez didn’t know if hours or years had passed,
but he looked down at the screen at saw that–apparently having viewed the
Foo Fighters’ appearance on TRL–his pudgy fingers had
typed: "Phooey on Foos: petulant Sanchez pooh-poohs latest release There
Is Nothing Left To Lose, Except The Other Guy That Used To Be In Sunny Day Real
Estate…" without even bothering to open the envelope from RCA
publicity that, come to think of it, might actually not contain the Foos but
rather the new ZZ Top release. Thankful Sanchez bows to the powers of
the universe for granting him the incredible responsibility of his superpower;
the ability to pan CDs without listening to them! (Though grass-is-greener guy
Sanchez sometimes covets his friends’ superpowers, such as the Wookie’s
supernaturally professional phone manner, and his roommate Glum Whitey’s
uncanny ability to tell whether a surface is hot enough to cook a grilled cheese
sandwich on just by squinting at it.)
rough-draft page was covered in the three words "…Leprechauns
Sunday NBC Leprechauns Sunday NBC Leprechauns…"
Apparently the cosmic forces of show business were absolutely bursting with
the broadcast premiere of the made-for-tv fantasy flick, which will be absorbed
into the annals of television history by the time you read this column.
shrieks the Sister of Sanchez," shrieked the Sister of Sanchez, choking
back a sob, and Sanchez hiccoughed out of yet another reverie, nervously turning
to find his Sister pushing a copy of the Voice, open to the Christgau
(or X-gau as he’s known in superhero circles) page where he gives
records grades–you know, whatever they call that shtick–into Sanchez’s
face. Anyhow, Sanchez had to soothe his sobbing sister with reassurance that
the phrase "he’s not above keybs" that the ’Gau included
in his capsule review of the new Marshall Crenshaw record was simply
an acknowledgment of the organ-playing on the record. Elsewhere in the same
piece, Christgau opines that the new Mos Def "would pack more power
at 55 minutes than it does at 71." How precious, cutesy Sanchez
coos, that Christgau should write this kind of faux-old-timey review, as if
this record came out back in those cold, dark days when the kids didn’t
have remote controls with track-skip buttons on them for their CD players! How
quaint! Eager Sanchez is hoping for a recipe for churning butter in Christgau’s
copy next week! And though Sanchez did not make a single phone call last week,
he will nonetheless pretend that he called up Rawkus and asked, and thusly
found out that the label is not planning to release the Mos Def record
on piano roll. Elsewhere in last week’s Voice, scary old hippie
guy Richard Gehr says, "Have you ever looked at the ceiling of the
Hammerstein Ballroom? I mean really looked at it?"
to congratulate colleague Adam Heimlich on joining Rolling Stone’s
crack team of hiphop experts! Reviewing the Family Values tour, sharp-eared
Heimlich files a fascinating report on having witnessed "throw-your-hands-in-the-air
tactics known to work on urban audiences." Word! Whewing Sanchez feels
a little safer just knowing little Adam stands as ethnomusicological sentinel
over a world too complicated for simple Sanchez to understand! Elsewhere in
Rolling Stone, RZA reveals that Ol’ Dirty Bastard
"…is all-out offensive to women…that’s the artistry of what he
is," and later describes a bizarre road trip that began with picking up
Dirty after the guy escaped from the hospital. "He had a Natalie Cole tape
in his pocket that had ‘Good Morning Heartache’ on it," RZA told
Matt Diehl, "He put it in and started singing along. There was a
van full of us, and tears were coming from all of us." Kelis, the
young r&b singer who sang on ODB’s single "Got Your Money"
and has–fortuitously–just debuted her own single, said of Dirt to
the MTV Radio Network: "I think a lot of people thinks he’s faking.
I don’t think so… I think he’s definitely genuine in his, in his,
uh, stuff, you know?"
Saddened Sanchez says:
Au Revoir Cherone! Former Extreme member not named Nuno and recent
Van Halen recruit Gary Cherone has left Eddie–hilariously, just
three months after being quoted on an official Van Halen website as saying,
"We’re really pounding out the songs. Personally, I couldn’t
be happier!" Lazy Sanchez did not bother to try to contact Cherone and
ask him if "Non-Nuno" sounded like a cool name for a solo project.
Meanwhile, the onetime McCoy Tyner to Edward’s Coltrane,
David Lee Roth, has filed suit against former manager Edmund Anderson
for selling unauthorized David Lee Roth memorabilia. In other Roth-related news,
the happiest man in the entire 1980s attended a party for the release of a Ken
Burns documentary called Not for Ourselves Alone on the subject of
early feminists such as Susan B. Anthony and Elizabeth Cady Stanton. Also in
attendance were Meryl Streep, Geraldine Ferraro and Cokie Roberts. "Women
know instinctively that they’re included rather than demeaned in what I
do," Dave told an AP reporter. In still more fun Roth facts, lucky residents
of Corpus Christi, TX, will be treated to one whole night
of pure Dave as the man will play the 14th of this month at local hot spot Woolly
Bully.
The Backstreet Boys
declined to meet with a five-year-old leukemia victim in Michigan last week
when they came to the state to play the Palace of Auburn Hills, in the Detroit
area. The girl’s father contacted a local newspaper, the Macomb Daily
News, and told them that the band was contacted by dying-child’s-wish-granting-organization
the Rainbow Connection (not uncoincidentally named after a song from The
Muppet Movie showcasing Kermit the Frog on banjo) but couldn’t do the
appearance. In a development that must make every publicist on Earth feel glad
to be alive, AP picked up the story and gave it the headline "Pop Group
Refuses To Meet Ill Child." Perceptive Sanchez thanks the Lord that times
have changed, as five years ago the biggest band in pop music would have met
with the same torrent of bad publicity for not realizing that "Ian MacKaye"
rhymes with "evil eye," or perhaps claiming publicly to be
vegans while putting cheese on their gardenburgers behind closed doors.
In an eerie coincidence,
Creed vocalist Scott Stapp developed strained vocal cords while
on tour in Texas, and canceled a show scheduled for Saturday, Dec. 4,
at the Bowery Ballroom–a date that was then subsequently filled,
suspiciously, with a benefit for beleaguered cartoonist "Dirty"
Danny Hellman. "What?" asked the misinformed Wookie, turning around
in her chair suddenly. "Does that mean that Ted Rall had his knee
on the Creed guy’s throat, too?"
NEXT WEEK:
Diplomatic Sanchez officially recognizes Chris as a member of ’N Sync now
that he’s lopped those hideous dreds off!