Save Moral Court!; Ames & Sohn at Locus Media Gallery; Good?ro;”Make that Really Good?ro;”Bands at CBs; Six Goumbas to Help with Sopranos Withdrawal

For those not in the know, Moral Court is the fake court program that takes two parties with a "moral" dilemma and puts them in front of radio personality Larry Elder. Dressed as a judge, Elder renders a decision on who's "morally right" and gives as much as $2000 to the victor. Along the way, hot court reporter Vivian Guzman talks to the participating weirdoes.

"Yeah, they hit on me when I'm trying to interview them," she says. "It's happened between [segments]. There were two brothers on the show once who would put roaches on the top of meals as a scheme to get free food. One brother would go to a restaurant and order, and the other would pass by, put a dead roach on top of the plate. Then they would tell the management and get a free meal. Now this one brother was bringing the other one to court to try and be moral. The guys were hitting on me and asking me out and whatever. 'Stick to your roaches, buddy.'"

Vivian has strong words for anyone who suggests that her show trivializes the American justice system:

"Absolutely not. [Moral Court] has nothing to do with, and yet it says something about, our legal system. Here you are, you're brought into court by your boyfriend for damaging his car, right? But they don't take into account all the times you cooked his meals and took his crap! And now you finally snapped and messed up his car, and you are being punished? Maybe our legal system should take morality into account. Maybe we should factor in what happened in the background."

You can catch Vivian hanging out with her good friend Howard Stern ("I think he's hot... I took a lie detector test to prove I had the hots for him") at WWF New York (1501 B'way at 43rd St., 398-2563) on the weekends. Or you can see her in action on Moral Court every weekday at 11 a.m., on channel 9.

...A sure fan of Vivian's is former New York Press regular Jonathan Ames, who likes strong women and is even funnier in person than in his self-deprecating articles. You have a chance to see him live at the "Month of Mundane Sex" reading this Wednesday; Ames is telling stories with his former girlfriend, fellow ex-New York Press columnist Amy Sohn, in a sultry display of codependent fame whoring.

Ames' delivery (think Woody Allen as a kid, with ADD) and appearance (think a tall, bald hawk) turn his tales of transvestites, gay camp counselors and "Florid Psychotic Moments" into gems that will rattle in your head for months, too long and involved to repeat to friends. During the Wednesday show, he'll take material from his book What's Not To Love? and debut stories from his upcoming one-man performance, "Bald, Impotent and Depressed" (or "How to Eat P____y!"?Jonathan isn't clear on the title just yet).

Background imagery during the storytelling will be provided by James Maszle, whose "Bachelor Series" of oil paintings depicts various romantic predicaments that single males get into. A "Month of Mundane Sex" takes place at the Locus Media gallery (594 B'way, betw. Prince & Houston Sts., 334-6424), starting at 7 p.m. Admission is free but there aren't any drinks?you'll have to go around the block to Puck Fair (298 Lafayette St., betw. Houston & Prince Sts., 431-1200) once the readings are finished.

...A bunch of good bands comes to CBGB this week, and while you've been avoiding the place because of its obviousness (and/or filth), it has maintained the best sound system in New York. On Thursday, Time Warner Cable staple Rockin' Clubs (Sun., 5:30-6:30 p.m., on channel 35 in Manhattan) sponsors an eclectic bill featuring the Rosenbergs, Lourds, Soulfarm and the New Mexikans.

The Rosenbergs are jangly pop, coming off a successful Napster-sponsored tour; Lourds is a small female who looks like Bjork and plays wicked electric violin, to the delight of Lower East Side lesbians. Soulfarm used to be Inasense, the jam duo formed locally in 1991; they still regularly pack Wetlands. And the New Mexikans are the hardest-rocking bunch of 70s druids you'll ever meet, with psychedelic guitars loud enough to make folks vomit. Check them out at [www.thenewmexikans.com](http://www.thenewmexikans.com).

Just giving you a taste of what's out there?it's easy to skim rock listings and not consider any of them. Fans of mellower stuff can get the fine East Side of Fascination CD, available at [www.gnyctv.com](http://www.gnyctv.com) and featuring live tracks recorded at wussy CBGB sister club CB's 313 Gallery. New York used to have some semblance of a scene for music made by actual people; we owe it to ourselves to bring that back. Action starts 7 p.m. this Thursday at CBGB (315 Bowery at Bleecker St., 982-4052); tickets are $6.

...Six weeks ago, during a misguided attempt to stumble into the New York Press offices, I stumbled upon the Cap 21 Theater (15 W. 28th St., betw. B'way & 5th Ave., 684-1500), home of the Off-Broadway comedy Six Goumbas and a Wannabe. What kept me there wasn't the play; it was the parking lot full of gigantic SUVs with Italian flag decals and petite brunettes in every passenger seat. Yeah, the audience at Six Goumbas was almost exclusively Bay Ridge mobsters, with their pagers set on vibrate, and since I like The Sopranos as much as everybody else, I sat with them and watched the proceedings, basking in their wealth and danger.

The situation is a little different now, as Six Goumbas has become a minor hit, escaping from Cap 21 to the stage at the Players Theater in the Village for whiter white people (115 MacDougal St., betw. Bleecker & 3rd Sts., 254-5076). But hey, Sopranos female Katherine Narducci (Charmaine, the woman who runs Vesuvio) still has a starring role, and costar Dan Grimaldi's sister is still the long-time girlfriend of real-life Bath Beach boss Anthony Spero. (Yes, an actual mob boss?let's exfoliate his back and keep the pus!)

As a play, Six Goumbas and a Wannabe is decent; as an event, it's worth your while, especially since The Sopranos is over. Showtimes are Tues.-Sat. at 8 p.m., Sat.-Sun. at 3 p.m. and Sun. at 7 p.m.; tickets are $49.50?what are you, cheap?