Sanchez Ponders Sisqo’s Painted Head!

Concerned Sanchez
hopes to open a national dialogue on the nature of Sisqo’s head,
on which he appears to paint, in silver, the outline of hair. Confused Sanchez
is less interested in why a person would decide that the most prudent beauty
move would be to paint his head, than why the American public and its media
servants have thus far chosen to not ask questions about Sisqo’s painted
head. Authoritative Sanchez has heard from sources that when Sisqo sweats, the
paint or dye or whatever it is runs down the back of his neck and makes him
look like the Tin Man. "The jolly Sister of Sanchez can’t decide
which lame joke on the phrase ‘chrome dome’ to interject with,"
interjected the jolly Sister of Sanchez. Muckracking Sanchez persists with more
tough questions: What sort of substance does Sisqo use to paint his head? Does
he paint it himself or is the paint applied by a henchman? Is the henchman who
applies the paint by trade a hair or a makeup artist? Who was the fashion innovator
Sisqo first spied painting his head, whom Sisqo saw and thought: That’s
the move for me? Or is Sisqo so much farther advanced than the rest of us that
he could pioneer such an awesome haircare innovation? Or should Sanchez backspace
over the word "haircare" and replace it with "skin care"?
If Sisqo were to get a particularly bad zit on his chin, might he paint on a
silver goatee? If pressed, would Sisqo balk at his painted head being referred
to as "silver" and insist that in fact the color is "platinum"?
Is Sisqo just a pawn in the mass Cash Money-ificaton of precious metals
and the crayons associated with them? Is it a coincidence that on Sisqo’s
MTV dance-party show "Sisqo’s Shakedown" semifinalists
are selected by the judges spray-painting the letter "S" on their
bellies?

Amused Sanchez
finds little more entertaining than superbland pop singer Vitamin C,
a lady whose most admirable show business quality is her hair, dyed a shade
of orange Sanchez admiringly admits he’s never seen anywhere else. The
lady used to sing for cookie-cutter alt-rock band Eve’s Plumb, a
moniker taken from the name of the actress who played Jan on The Brady
Bunch–historical Sanchez reminds his children that once these kind
of supergroovy pop-cultural references were very cool with the hip and
happening set! Vitamin C finally scored herself somewhat of a hit with an incredibly
simplistic, pandering schooldays anthem called "Graduation (Friends Forever)"
that did predictably well during the recent high school commencement season.
The song bites its chord progression–hilariously–from Pachelbel’s
"Canon," features a choir belting out its supersyrupy chorus and,
in a most innovative promotional move, was sent out to radio in special versions
with the names of local high schools edited in. Doting Sanchez adores nothing
so much as an unrepentant sellout, and what could be more indicative of an artist
making a last grasp for cash before her youthful looks run out than such a blatantly
dumbed-down stab at the prom dollar? Sanchez was enthralled upon viewing a recent
MTV interview with Vitamin C in which–deflecting an interviewer’s
comparison with the Orlando blondes–Mandy, Christina, Britney–she
snootily asserted that her stuff was "more postmodern." More postmodern!
Sanchez must grudgingly agree–what could be more postmodern than such a
cynical milking of teen sentiment? But disappointed Sanchez wonders why Vitamin
C would harsh his high by pathetically demanding that her cool pass not be revoked.
Still, thankful Sanchez counts his blessings–better that burnt-out alternavistas
insincerely ape what Mandy Moore does with almost painful sincerity than to
have Mandy Moore witlessly quoting Camus on her Sub Pop single-of-the-month-club
selection!

NEXT: Lost
and lonely, Sanchez cries out in the night for Super Dupe–his Burger King
DJ!