R. Tortellini (D-NJ)

The Germans have a word for it, schadenfreude, which means taking pleasure in other people's misery. Although I have many defects?excessive love of booze and pussy, for example?schadenfreude is not one of them, although I must admit I was tickled to death upon reading of Sen. Robert G. Tortellini's latest problems. Tortellini is a hell of a fellow. When anywhere near a television camera, he makes Chuck Schumer seem shy by comparison, and in his endless quest for fame, glory and power, he reminds me of Bianca Jagger in drag. Incidentally, the aging Nicaraguan firecracker and Tortellini were once upon a time an item, and it was said when they broke up that it was due to money. Neither wanted to pay for the other.

Tortellini then went for bigger, sorry, richer fish, as in Patricia Duff Medavoy Perelman. The four-time-married blonde and Sen. Ravioli made beautiful music together, but after the eventual break-up it was said it was due to money. Neither wanted to pay for the other. As of the moment, I have no idea who Sen. Lasagna is with, but I am certain that it's for love, not money. My spies in Washington, DC, tell me that although Sen. Pasta-Fagioli was a Clinton hitman harassing Judge Starr, it was the Clintons who released the damaging papers. It seems Sen. Spaghetti offended Bonnie and Clyde Clinton with his reaction to the pardon of Marc Rich. And speaking of Rich, I think Sen. Pasta should go after Denise. La Rich gives it away like a frisbee?money that is?which should make it a match made in heaven.

Mind you, I predict Tortellini will beat the rap. Claims of cash payments are extremely difficult for the government to prove, as are the claims of Chang Hwan Choi, the kung-fu expert and tailor who claims he took the measures of Sen. Pizza and made 10 suits. The kung-fu expert says he does not remember the Senator's face, but recalls the fact that Pasta-Fagioli insisted he (Kung-Fu) cut the trousers in a way to make his (Fagioli's) crotch look bulkier. David Chang, the Chinese scholar and Way of Shaolin ten dan karate expert who has made the allegations against the Senator, I know very little about. When I was studying under him in a Chinese monastery he never once addressed a word to me, preferring to stand on his head at all times. But he did give me a watch worth almost $3000, a 52-inch Toshiba television set, an Acura Legend sedan, 10 pinstripe suits and a pair of bean-shaped cufflinks the day I captured a fly with my chopsticks.

One could see the martial arts training of Sen. Torricelli?Tortellini?during his press conference, when he banged on the lectern to make his point and ended up ripping it in half. The Way of Shaolin master David Chang, would have been very proud. When Tortellini was in the Chinese monastery learning the art of You-chew-me-me-chew-you-too (he was a 69 dan) he was known for his propensity of accepting gifts from strangers. By the time he left the monastery he was so loaded down with presents he had to charter a ship from my father to bring the loot back to Hoboken, where my father's boat was seized by customs for carrying contraband. Controversy has followed Tortellini-Fagioli ever since. But even back in elementary school, in Paterson, young Bobby Lasagna was always in trouble for accepting gifts from strangers. By the time he graduated he had something like 82 giant television sets in his basement, 43 automobiles, 255 watches and more than 1000 pairs of cufflinks.

Still, as I said, all these things are very hard to prove. If Tortellini can keep his temper in check and not chop the Chinaman's car in half, he will most likely get away with it. After all, what's a Toshiba or Acura Legend or two between buddies who spent years together in a Chinese monastery contemplating how to find rich and glamorous pussy? When I called the Senator's house and gave my name, I could hear him cursing in Chinese so I quickly hung up. Ditto with the Way of Shaolin grandmaster. He called me a "chungatumadre," which means motherfucker in ancient Cantonese. Last but not least, the Chinese tailor and kung-fu expert, Chang Hwan Choi, did a triple somersault, chopped down a maple tree, ripped a door out of its hinges and called me a "scatopusti," which means a motherfucker in ancient Budo, a dead language familiar only to a few martial arts experts in Tibet. Oh well, I was only trying to do my job. Moral of the story? Do not take gifts from Chinese laundry tycoons because they will always come back dirty.