Puppet Show
Cautious Sanchez rose slowly "‘How can you Eventually the steaming Somewhat nervous Sanchez MTV also took time to note NEXT WEEK: The Orson Welles
into the proscenium hole in the little Punch and Judy theater he had built out
of a refrigerator box. His fatty fingers clutched celebrity faces clipped from
the glossies and affixed to chopsticks–the stars of the gala Sanchez
Celebrity Christmas Pageant, for which preproduction had just gotten under
way. At the time, brainstorming Sanchez was gazing at the clipped visage of
Christina Aguilera and wondering whether the diminutive blonde would
better rub-him-the-right-way as a shepherd or one of the three kings.
(Supersmart Sanchez had already decided to cast fave ’N Sync member
Lance Bass With The Big Weird Face in all three roles as the principals
of the holy family.) Aguilera, incidentally, performed this Sunday at
what MTV online–its big gooey dot-com eyes glistening with hope–called
Santa.com’s "first annual" Christmas parade. Anyhow, scared
Sanchez cowered behind his tightly clutched Lance on a Stick as his Sister glowered
at him, hissing as she crossed the room waving a copy of last week’s New
York Press at him. She pointed to the illo above Armond White’s
column–her beloved Pikachu shot in its gentle little Pikachu face
by the Tom Hanks-voiced cowboy doll, captioned "Toy Story 2
kicks Pokemon’s ass."
work for these awful people,’ wheezes the teary-eyed Sister of Sanchez!"
the teary-eyed Sister of Sanchez wheezed. At which point she rolled up the New
York Press and batted startled Sanchez square in the face. Sanchez fell
against the back wall of the cardboard booth, which then hit the floor with
an understated wumpf! as the Sister of Sanchez began to kick at it. Tumbling
Sanchez rattled in his box like a tiny turtle trapped in a shell nine sizes
too large!
Sister of Sanchez stomped away, and relieved Sanchez was left to weakly recount
for his readers the comings and goings of the world of show business. The Judds
announced last Wednesday that they’d start a tour on Feb. 4 of 2000 in
Denver, and keep on rocking in the free world ’til roughly April. "We’re
red, we’re raucous, and we’re ready to roll," mama Naomi–a
recent hepatitis C recoveree–told AP. "We’re going out
on tour because I’m not dead, and she’s not pregnant." Elsewhere
on the AP online home, psyched Sanchez read that Jack Klugman won a palimony
suit filed by former lover-of-20-years Barbara Neugass. "I feel like I
just won the Kentucky Derby!" 77-year-old Klugman enthused after winning
the suit, in which Klugman testified for the record that he never loved Neugass,
who, according to AP, "told reporters that the former co-star of television’s
‘The Odd Couple’ lied about their emotional involvement." Current
star of his own private psychedelic reel–in which the boot-bottom-patterns
of his Sister make ghostly appearances on his sides and limbs in lovely shades
of purple and blue–wistful Sanchez only wished that he could relish that
kind of rare and real romance in his own life!
notes that Britney celebrated her 18th birthday on Wednesday at Halo,
here in New York. MTV Online mentioned that Enrique Iglesias and ’N
Sync were on the guest list–superbored Sanchez just can’t believe
how hopped up people get about the rumors of her ongoing affair with Justin
Timberlake; it’s much more interesting to contemplate the absolutely
ridiculous gossip item that links her with former A Tribe Called Quest
second-banana Phife. But, superior Sanchez sniffs, the people do like
a note of realism in their rumors, don’t they? In the same item, MTV trots
out old Kentwood school pal "Tara" to dish on Britney’s
days on the track team. "Everybody got on the line, the starting blocks,
and they shot the gun, and everybody just went, but Britney just stood there…
She had no idea… She didn’t know what the gunshot meant." Superconfused
Sanchez wonders why anybody at any high school in America would pause to ponder
what a gunshot means, when there are clearly at least 10 stations on
cable built for that very purpose, and it’s far more pressing to figure
out whether the shots are coming toward or away from the cafeteria.
Still elsewhere in the piece, "Erin" bitterly accuses her erstwhile
homegirl of happiness. "She always had someone to go out with," Scorsese-homaging
"Erin" spat, adding, "Always always."
that Pavement is–gasp!–not breaking up. "Who got excited
about that?" asked the Wookie, wrinkling her nose. She had let herself
in, and leaned far back into the couch with her cigarette, placing the ashtray
atop Sanchez’s box, in which he still cowered. Polite Sanchez cares for
his friend–who labors in the executive-assistant trenches of the music
industry, from whence all the worms of rumor are dug–and thus will not
bring up, as evidence of her contention that WebRIOT is MTV’s most
expensive show ever, that the show "has its own budget codes!" Slang-savvy
Sanchez would love to utilize the euphemism "getting one’s knickers
in a twist" for this one, if the physical reality of the saying–and
the British usage within it–did not confound and scare him so.
of his own home, rugged individualist Sanchez sticks to his decision to cast
Pikachu as the Angel of the Lord, not as the Baby Jesus–at least until
his Sister knocks another molar or two out!