NOV. 22-DEC. 21
I heard that, following the presidential election, hits on immigration
websites (especially those for Canada, Australia and New Zealand) increased exponentially.
Sites offering (foreign-citizenship-conferring) marriage to Americans sprang up all over the
place, as sympathizers outside of the States offered to help the disillusioned disenfranchised
escape their divided nation. Recent personal decisions you’ve made have parts of yourself running
for the borders, or simply jumping ship. It’s hard being so torn, and understandable that even though
you feel like you made the right decision, you can’t help simultaneously cringing about its potential
consequences. Sadly, right or wrong, this one can’t be undone. Forgo regret. It’s time to marshal
your resources and just make the best of it.
DEC. 22-JAN. 19
Capricorns evidently possess an extra sense that most other people lack:
ethical vision. It doesn’t seem like much of a superpower, though; it actually resembles a handicap
more than a boon, as it seems to occasionally keep you from doing things that your friends do without
a second thought, like downloading pirated music, or grazing the produce section at the grocery
store. Fortunately or unfortunately, you’re likely to encounter your own personal kryptonite
this week, freeing you from the burden of always seeing such stark rights and wrongs. However, I
hope you don’t take up shoplifting or insurance fraud just because you can’t see a victim. In these
cases, there may be no obvious victim, but there still is one: you, or at least your long-term self-respect.
JAN. 20-FEB. 18
When you were a kid, you were an expert at playing your parents off each other.
Mom would say one thing, Dad another, and with a couple of strategic maneuvers on your part, you’d
soon fly beneath the radar while they argued. You have a similar opportunity now—only Ma
and Pa have been replaced by more current figures of authority. You could easily take advantage
of the conflict that’s brewing between them and reap great personal reward (if you don’t care about
the tricky moral issues of this kind of opportunism). Or you could stay out of it completely. Your
choice. I wouldn’t exercise option three (coming between them), however: You’d simply be crushed.
FEB. 19-MARCH 20
Help people unlearn their fear. Fear’s got a tight grip on the world. It’s
used to steer people, like cattle, all the time—it got Bush reelected, for example. You can
help cure this epidemic of taught terror, because many Pisceans are curiously immune to it. You’re
afraid of things, yes, but they’re almost never the things you’re instructed or encouraged (by
parents, politicians or the nightly news) to fear. Help those around you see how much harm and how
little good their carefully inculcated anxiety is causing. It’s hard to become fearless—maybe
even too hard, for now—but I think it’s possible to learn (and teach) the distinction between
real and present dangers and unlikely, conjectural ones.
MARCH 21-APRIL 19
This week you may be presented with a gift that’s the equivalent of 17 stunning
white ponies. There’s no denying the generosity of such a gesture, but there’s also no avoiding
the fact that you simply can’t afford to accept it. Where would you keep these beautiful beasts?
In your apartment? How could you feed them, or care for them? You can’t consistently keep your houseplants
alive, let alone several tons of magnificent horseflesh. No matter how shell-shocked you are,
don’t be stupid enough to say yes. This offer is more than you can handle, and you know it. Do the right
thing and say: “Thanks, but no thanks.”
APRIL 20-MAY 20
Snow is sensual, esthetically beautiful, pure, even luxurious in some ways.
You can see why some people despise it, but most Taureans love the stuff—even the hard labor
and disruption of routine it precipitates doesn’t bother you like those lazy, heat-seeking Leos,
for example. So I’m confused why the person who’s recently entered your life has gotten such a bad
review from you. Try to think of him or her as snow; the description certainly applies, as s/he’s
beautiful, limited, inconvenient, disruptive, messy, and ultimately exactly as good or bad as
the weather—in other words, it all depends on your perception.
MAY 21-JUNE 20
The Moon waxes full in your sign this week, making emotions—especially
those directed toward you—bigger than you’re generally comfortable with. Tough shit.
This isn’t a bad thing, it’s just bewildering. Embrace it, if you can, rather than resisting it.
Think of this as your chance to channel and express all the melodrama and pathos of a chick flick or
ancient Greek tragedy, without anyone batting an eyelash, as it will all seem to be perfectly appropriate,
even called for. That’s right, you get to be a drama queen without earning the label. Most people
would jump at the chance. Can’t you at least give it an enthusiastic try? Sobbing, screaming, ranting
and raving can actually be quite fun, satisfying activities. You’ll see.
JUNE 21-JULY 22
You’re in for a refreshing break, a long stretch of calm internal oceans,
with a strong, steady wind at your back. In other words, a quiet, low-key period in which you can make
a surprising amount of forward progress, without the struggle that usually entails. The only danger
lies in the possibility that you might fuck yourself by overcomplicating things, by suddenly adding
more to your plate. Stick with the original plan and it should all go swimmingly. Modify it now and
you could get stuck in a Bermuda Triangle of your own ambitions, and might even sink the entire ship.
JULY 23-AUG. 22
Some people just have really bland palates. They can’t tolerate food that’s
the least bit exotic or spicy. They’re into familiar meat and potatoes and bread; anything that
diverges too far from that well-trod territory might as well be poison. Face it, Leo. You are
spicy food. You’re a little exotic. Therefore, you’re not for everyone, or just anyone. So
quit trying to ram yourself down the throats of those who wrinkle their noses at non-processed cheese;
you’re simply too much for them. You may be convinced, like a well-meaning parent, that you’d be
good for them, that they might even love you, if they could just be compelled to take a taste. But that’s
not your call. Let them know you’re on the table and available for sampling. Then leave them alone.
AUG. 23-SEPT. 22
Virgos love deadlines, secretly. They work for you, whether you admit it
or not. Without them you’re a little lost—so much so that you often make arbitrary ones for
yourself, even for tasks that aren’t especially time-sensitive. Nevertheless, external cut-off
dates always work better than imaginary ones, so here’s one from the planets: Get your five most
important short-term goals done before the 29th, when Mercury goes retrograde and starts to fuck
with you, big time. Not sure what your top five immediate objectives are? Well shit, you have your
work cut out for you then, don’t you?
SEPT. 23-OCT. 22
Your fantasy world is about to intersect with your real life. Sadly, I don’t
mean that Jennifer Aniston or Brad Pitt plans on visiting your bedroom this evening. Actually,
it’s a bit more negative than that, as whoever you’re fucking is likely to uncover one of your deepest
darkest sexual or romantic secrets. This could lead to some seriously tense moments and profound
embarrassment for both of you. But if you stay calm, own your (ultimately minor) perversions, and
work it out, you could get what you’d never before imagined: actually living out your desires, instead
of just imagining them.
OCT. 23-NOV. 21
You’re an entire rhumba of rattlesnakes this week. With both Venus and Mars—the
two sexiest planets—on your side this week, you’re more than just one lethal creature; you’re
a whole horde of them. This is not a strike against you by any means—being more dangerous only
makes you more attractive. Advertise it. You’ll see. You’re a quiver of cobras, a shiver of sharks.
Wear a sign, make bold declarations. People will run. Some of them will flee (from your cocky arrogance
as much as any danger). But most of them will be sprinting toward you, not away.