Preview Review: The Motorcycle Diaries

Opens Fri., Sept. 24

(Special Guest Preview Review by Tony Montana)

Las' weekeng, I go to a fahkin movies, mang. My fahkin llello-head wife, she say she wanna see a fahkin pelicula, fahkin Stepfor' Wife, mang. I say, "Lay's go see Spider Mang, mang." We fahkin compromise, see a fahkin scien' feection movie Fahr'hei' 9/11. Thees guy come onna screen, and I say, "Hey mang, I know thees cockaroach. I fahkin sell him two ki's like 20 o' 30 year' ago, he fahkin rip me off, mang!"

My wife say, "Tony, he a fahkin presiden' now."

Thees why I fahkin love America, mang. Wha' a fahkin country, djou know? He like me, Tony fahkin' Montana! He no afrai' a nobo'y, mang!

Ees true, I fahkin love America. An' djou know wha' I fahkin' hate? I hate communees, mang. Deese communees try a' ruin my fahkin life, mang. I fahkin kill communees for fung, mang.

So when a fahkin preview come on abou' Che fahkin' Guevara, I can' believe my fahkin ojos, mang! Thees maricon mo'erfahker, they make a fahkin movie abou' heem? Wha' he have tha' I don', huh mang?

Thees fahkin movie, eet call A Fahkin Mo'orycle Diary, Mang. Eet star thees malaca fro' Y Tu Mama, Tambien. Anyone say "y tu mama, tambien" to Tony Montana, I fahkin blow hees fahkin head off, mang. For fung.

So I watchin' thees fahkin preview, mang. Thees cockaroach Che, he a reech mo'erfahker. He got heeself a fahkin' motorcycle, mang. He fahkin cruise aroun' Sud America like he a fahkin' big sho', mang.

Theng, he do so'thing pretty fahkin' smar', mang. He hang ou' weet a fahkin' campesino, mang. He wan' everyon' see how he fahkin' sad an' angry cuz thees fahkin campesino real fahkin poor. Hey mang, I was a fahkin' barrio hijo, no' like thees fahkin reech Che fahkin Guevara. I have-a work har' to make a money, mang, an' thees fahkin communees Che, he take it away, mang. Fahkin reech people always take djour fahkin money, mang. Even worse when they see a fahkin poor people an' star' feel fahkin' sorry, mang. Don' make reech people feel fahkin' sorry, or they star' fahkin revolution, mang, take all your fahkin' money.

In las' par' of fahkin' preview, thees fahkin Che, he havin' a sex weet all pretty campesina womeng, mang. He get all a fahkin womeng!

My bodyguar', Chi Chi, he say he wanna fahkin womeng like Che Guevara. I say to him, "Chi Chi, ees like thees, mang. Firs', djou getta mo'orcycle. Deyn, djou getta sorry for fahkin poor people. And deyn, djou getta womeng, mang."

Tha's a poin' of a fahkin' preview of A Fahkin Mo'orcycle Diary, Mang, mang.

Mark Ames