Preview Review: Before Sunset

Directed by Richard Linklater

This isn't just any Ethan Hawke. This is a chick-flick Ethan Hawke, widely considered to be the most venomous Ethan Hawke known to man.

And it's pimping poor Julie Delpy with some of the worst pick-up lines in sports-bar history: "Your marriage doesn't have that same energy it used to have. You start to think about all those guys you've met in your life and what might have happened if you'd picked up with one." The Ethan Hawke points to itself with both thumbs and smiles cutely. A wave of groans sweeps the theater.

On the surface, the plot of Before Sunset is a burlesque of chick-flick cliches: sensitive American guy bumps into uniquely deep Freedom femme nine years after their all-night life-altering spooning orgy. What more could you want? Exotic European locations! Chance meetings! Nine years ago, they did Vienna. This time, they're doing Paris.

(One would have thought that the chick-flick-in-Paris genre was closed decades ago by Pepe Le Pew: "Come to me my lee-tel dahling, mwah-mwah-mwah!" The great skunk was born 50 years ahead of his time.)

Meanwhile, Delpy flashes her sexy new wrinkle implants and asks, "Do I look any different?"

Hawke replies, "I'd have to see you naked." And tosses off a snuggly laugh with a kind of "No, just kidding, aren't I cute?!" playfulness.

At this point, the groans in the movie theater turned to open revolt. A man behind me snapped at his wife to hand him his heart medicine. To my left, a heavy-set Indian woman slapped her daughter.

And there were still two minutes of spasm-inducing Ethan Hawke pick-up lines! The whole time Julie Delpy has this look on her face like, "Jesus Mother of Mary, he won't shuttup! When are you gonna stop groveling and just fuck me, huh Mister?! I haven't seen a dick in nine goddamn years! There's a worn-out set of benoit balls under my bed that've got my name on 'em, so either you bend me over in the next alley, or you're sleeping in the Ibis!"

I've got a feeling that Hawke just keeps talking and talking. And that Delpy is so lonely and wretched that in the end, she suffers it all, and so will you.

Which brings me to the practical part of this preview-review. I would strongly recommend Before Sunset to you women who want to torture your men-folk. As the move progresses and your man starts to double over in pain, you can whisper vindictively, "Remember when you made me do anal last week? Huh? You liked that, didn't you? Now, sit back and enjoy the fucking movie, pal."

Mark Ames