Pretend We’re Dead—2009

In case you missed the awards ceremony, my Overrated Albums list for 2008 was chosen by Popdose.com as the Best Overrated Albums List of the Year. My acceptance speech went like this: “I’ve been ripped off so much that the thing’s become a goddamn category?” Now the idea of writing about the Overrated Albums of 2009 seems overrated itself.  Besides, the critics and fans showed some restraint this year: R. Kelly’s wretched new album got the respect it deserved. Nobody got too excited over Sonic Youth’s The Eternal, either, though it did receive the reviews you’d expect for the best ever Concrete Blonde album.

But, as always, there was plenty of hype handed out to the undeserving—made more tragic by gullible music fans who are too lazy to seek out all the quality acts that litter the Internet. The best albums of 2009 were made by Tris McCall, Don McGlashman, Adam Marsland, McGinty & White and Mitchel Musso. The worst were by this crowd, made even more irritating by popular acclaim.

The Dirty Projectors Bitte Orca A discordant opening track turned The Dirty Projectors into discordant critics’ darlings. Then the reviewers had to ignore the rest of Bitte Orca, including the sappy soul music and the cutesy rootsy shit—not to mention the uninspired hip-hop. Now the critics face the daunting task of deciding whether it’s cooler to rank Dirty Projectors above or below Kelly Clarkson. Math is hard!

Wilco Wilco (The Album) These guys would be retired to the Overrated Hall of Fame if the cornball lite-rock of Wilco (The Album) hadn’t been accompanied by this year’s Ashes of American Flags (the documentary). The footage followed our dullard heroes while they played small Southern venues and whined incessantly about the corporatization of the American landscape. Wilco has no clue that it’s the Olive Garden of Americana.

The Avett Brothers I and Love and You The band looked ready for the Disney Channel at the start of the decade, or at least a remake of Adventures of the Wilderness Family. Then the Avett Brothers’ mix of emo and Americana caught the eye of Rick Rubin, who groomed the group for the glossy debut of I and Love and You—where, as feared, the humble backwoods act was turned into the house band that Rubin should’ve used for Reba McEntire’s hipster makeover.

Phoenix Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix a-ha announced it was breaking up this year, and Phoenix is probably why. The Norwegians just can’t compete with a full boy-band experience modeled after The Pretenders, Adam Ant and lesser new-wave acts. At least Phoenix perfectly captures the most irritating aspects of new wave. Meanwhile, the fine Frenchmen of Poni Hoax go unheard. That makes them the only Frenchmen who deserve to complain about stupid Americans.

Wavves Wavvves Douse yourself in Axe Body Spray and enjoy Wavves as ’90s punk-pop dumbed down (yes, even more) for aging frat guys who pine for emo music worthy of a sports bar jukebox. Don’t forget to admire how Nathan Williams combines the arrogance of Bono with the toothy obliviousness of Clay Aiken. It’s like watching that Germs biopic if Darby Crash was played by Dane Cook.

Bell X1 Blue Lights on the Runway The Irishmen of Bell X1 are so white that ACORN should be financing them a new Cadillac. Bell X1 is so white that the moronic praise for the wispy pop of Blue Lights on the Runway should skip the Talking Heads comparisons and cite DEVO as the band’s personal James Brown. Any woman who can dance to Bell X1 probably used to attend the John Phillips Day Care Center. I’m not even sure what that last line means, but it can’t possibly be as unfunny as the idea that any young person has been listening to Bell X1 and thinking, “Yeah, get down on it.”

Yeah Yeah Yeahs It’s Blitz! This sort of dance-pop got tired long ago, but It’s Blitz! is where ’80s-throwback Karen O got desperate enough to insist that the Yeah Yeah Yeahs’ music “almost feels like a John Hughes ’80s movie.” In an awesome display of survival, Hughes waited five months before dropping dead from embarrassment.

Green Day 21st Century Breakdown Billie Joe and his supporting cast have made an album that is entirely interchangeable with Bon Jovi’s The Circle—except Jon Bon Jovi never committed the sin of giving aging punks something to actually be right about when complaining about pathetic sell-outs. Bon Jovi would probably also be too embarrassed to be caught rhyming “hero” and “zero.”

Jay-Z The Blueprint 3 He’s still the Madonna of rap, with Jay-Z working busy dance beats under the auspices of a brand name that’s mysteriously respected. His jet-setting socialite days have also turned him into the white Ashton Kutcher. This one is the blueprint too far, with the busy businessman working through a checklist of hip-hop clichés while sounding as tired as Humpty Hump on an oldies tour.