OLIVIA WILSON’S bumpy ride through the porno-sphere

Written by admin on . Posted in Breaking News, Flavor of the Week.


Fresh off a sticky breakup and working an internship while embarking on my final year of college, my sex life is not the stuff of raucous frat house films.

In May, I moved home after a semester abroad, where I left a hopeful and loving boyfriend who wanted to “make it work.” Being a realist, I was fully aware that thousands of miles is an insurmountable hurdle at this point in my life. Being a complete coward, I could not and still cannot be the one to break that poor boy’s heart. So my current relationship status is lingering in limbo and my sex life has been basically nonexistent.

If you’ve passed the 2nd grade and can count, you’ve probably put it together that this makes almost six months since I have had any kind of encounter with the opposite sex. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want to convey the desperation of my situation. I am not the kind of girl who will go home with the first guy who buys me a drink at the bar, so with my tight schedule and lingering boy troubles, I have had zero opportunity to find someone to, ahem, help me out.

Friends have offered several solutions to this problem, the most frequent of which is to cruise the world wide web to find a little viewing material and some self-love. Watching porn is not really my style, but I figured I would give it a go just to see what all the fuss is about.

Diving into the porno-sphere was difficult enough just in the execution. Am I the only person who didn’t know that there are about a zillion websites featuring everything from foot fetishes to needle play (yikes)? I had no idea what I was getting into. My Google search history is now fairly hilarious—and pathetic—with queries like “normal porn” and “regular sex scenes.” I didn’t know where to look for standard stuff, sex that doesn’t involve vegetables or riding crops.

Through several embarrassing and awkward conversations with friends, I did manage to find some sites that have things close to what I am familiar with. I’m no prude, but the websites I have seen do the opposite of turning me on. I don’t know if it’s a girl thing or just a me thing, but the idea of a girl taking it from behind while she robotically moans or, worse, screams like a banshee, basically ensures that I will not be wanting anyone or anything south of my border. Call me a romantic, but I wouldn’t mind a little plot.

Which led me to a revelation that could perhaps simultaneously help lift both the economy and the female libido out of the recession. There is an industry that is (according to my extensive research) completely untapped: Girl Porn. Any lady who has seen the extended version of the sex scene in The Notebook or the library scene in Atonement knows exactly what I am talking about.

I have made peace with the fact that men’s porno fantasies are often a dark and scary place and I have no place in a male porn world. I wouldn’t mind a little visual stimulation, but are my only options hardcore doggy-style or two-hour-length feature films? I am not ready to make a commitment to either, so I propose this: short, but plot-driven films that are graphic but not gross.

I don’t need sweeping romance, but I do need the sense that the two people involved may have met before, and aren’t immediately going at it like farm animals. Is that too much to ask? The first company to produce female-friendly erotica will be a wealthy one. Until then, I suppose I will continue my search for adult entertainment that doesn’t make me want to Purell my brain.

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