– New York author A.J. Jacobs may trump No Impact Man in The Most Drastically Altering One’s Life To Sell A Book contest. The title of his latest effort, “The Year of Living Biblically: One Man’s Humble Quest to Follow the Bible as Literally as Possible”, pretty much says it all. Among the more interesting aspects: Jacobs didn’t touch his wife (or any woman) at certain times of the month, and he pelted an adulterer with a pebble.

– Is it still performance art if nobody’s there to see it? A Chinatown artist strangled his new girlfriend to death and then slept beside her corpse for two nights. Before that, the couple went to a topless bar where Michael Lenahan bought his date a couple of lap dances, then they went back to his apartment, which he shares with his ailing grandmother. As if the date weren’t bad enough already, the next day Lenahan demanded the $50 he spent on lap dances back! When the woman refused, kicking him in the groin, he lost his temper. Lenahan was charged with second-degree murder and held without bail at his arraignment yesterday.

– It’s like the Jersey shore is actually seeking out new ways to make itself unattractive. If you rent a place in Sea Girt, don’t expect to play beer pong with your friends on the lawn or deck. In response to neighbors’ noise complaints, the council passed an ordinance that outlaws drink games played on private property but in public view. The penalty for a first offense is $100, and your pride.

–In an obscenely ageist move, Charles Friedgood, 89, the oldest inmate in the New York state prison system, has been denied parole. His crime? The wealthy Long Island heart surgeon was convicted in 1976 of injecting his ailing wife with a fatal dose of Demerol after being arrested at JFK trying to flee the country with more than $450,000 in cash and valuables from her estate to be with his girlfriend in Europe. And they didn’t let him out to enjoy the last 10 or so years of his life? For shame.

•    See You Later: Early Saturday morning, an off-duty peace officer’s stroll on the beach took a turn for the weird when he stumbled upon a pillowcase reading “Live Gator—Please find him a home.” Sure enough, a 30-inch long reptile fitting that description was inside. The Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals rescued the great lizard from Overlook Beach in Babylon, L.I., and will bring it to a rescue sanctuary out of state. Wow, city beaches really are in trouble.
•    Loin Cloth: The ads for a bidet company that were barred from going up in Broadway’s theater district on the exterior of a church because of the naked bottoms pictured have been suitably modified. A white band now extends across the tushies, masking their cracks and baring the slogan, “Clean is happy. No ifs, ands, or…” But unfortunately, somebody forget to tell the reverend who sued for the removal of the billboard that cleanliness is next to godliness.
•    Bird Brained: The man who savagely beat an innocent peacock in Staten Island earlier this month because he believed it to be a vampire has been found unfit to sit trial. Shocking, we know. A court-ordered psychiatrist said John Potts, 32, suffers from paranoid schizophrenia, and neither understands his crime nor is able to aid in his own defense. Kind of like that poor bird…

•    Yes, cops found cocaine in Lindsay Lohan’s pants when she was arrested Tuesday in Santa Monica for driving under the influence and with a suspended license, but the “actress” claims it’s not hers. That’s right folks, it belongs to all the little critters that us bloggers love to say live down there.
•    Apparently, “shy bladder syndrome” won’t get you out of a drug test, so says a state judge. Probationary garbage man Jerry Medard sued the city after he was fired for not being able to produce a suitable urine sample, a requirement after getting busted for pot in 2006. Medard’s first attempts yielded hot piss—outside the accepted range of temperature at 100 degrees—which he explained may have been sitting next to someone’s coffee cup. He drank several bottles of water in an effort to squeeze out something clean, but to no avail. “This is a terrible, terrible injustice,” says Medard’s lawyer.
•    A lesson to all teachers: If you talk about your predilection for oral sex during class, your students will surely talk about it after school. Michael Williams, 49, a former substitute teacher at Long Island City HS in Queens, was charged with endangering the welfare of a child yesterday, after allegedly lecturing to his 13- and 14-year-old students on the wonders of third base. “What I say in this class better stay in this class,” he allegedly told a student who complained about the sex ed, according to a report released by Special Schools Investigator Richard Condon that also notes Prof Williams denied discussing his private sexual life, just those discussed in hip-hop lyrics.
•    An MIT student with smarts akin to Will Hunting (according to friends) died this past weekend after plunging three stories onto the ledge of an East Village building in what authorities believe to be an alcohol-related incident. James Albrecht, 21, who was working as an intern for the summer at D.E. Shaw & Co., is believed to have spent Saturday night at a party, at which friends say “nobody was drinking excessively,” but he apparently left sometime after 2 a.m. Albrecht’s mom, Marita, told the Post that he was “a nice guy.”

•    My Hero: Not one to turn down a dare, a Brooklyn teen climbed into a mailbox yesterday, only to get stuck and subsequently pried out by cops. Oddly enough, the 16-year-old was not charged with mail tampering.
•    Organic Dates: The New York Sun reports that Whole Foods Bowery boasts a thriving Fauxbo pickup scene. A local 22-year-old Nolita girl told the paper that a 40-plus-year-old man held the door for her and asked, “Is this the exit for the beautiful girls?” Let’s not all rush over there at once.
•   Politically Incorrect: In Buffalo on Saturday, a bunch of thugs beat an amputee with his own prosthetic leg. Richard Kelly, 43, suffered several broken ribs and a punctured lung, but is still thankful to the Lord that took his right leg from the knee down in a car accident eight years ago.
•    No Good Deed Goes Unpunished: A New Jersey woman accidentally sold her mother’s .75 carat diamond and platinum wedding ring for $140 at a church yard sale on July 7. She’s willing to pay upwards of 141 bucks to get it back.