Is there a line outside your window in Midtown yet? Yeah, those would be the hordes of people possessed to wait for 48 hours to buy a sofa whose name they can’t pronounce. The grand opening of IKEA in Brooklyn is nigh, so anyone looking to justify their $3,000-a-month studio apartment rent with the purchase of a coffee table that’s a downright steal, drop everything and make way for Red Hook immediately!
Brooklyn-dwellers forced to make room for that burns-the-retina combination of blue and yellow on their skyline have been less than enthused about the store for quite some time now, despite claims from the folks at IKEA that the new location will provide jobs for Red Hookers (pardon the moniker) and mend the neighborhood’s racial divide. Chiefly among many people’s concerns is the effect the new store will have on already slow-moving traffic in the area. (I myself am not much looking forward to sharing a subway car with the Tylösand chaise lounge.) But buck up, ye who dare to clog the city with your assembly-not-included happiness and piss off an entire outer borough! IKEA wants to reward you for coming out early with goodies galore:
The first 35 adults in line on June 18 will receive a free Ektorp sofa, a $399 value. After that, the next 100 adults will receive a Poäng chair, an $89 value. The first 100 children in line will receive a red heart-shaped cushion—because every child dreams of: 1) standing in line with their mom for two days at a furniture store in Brooklyn and 2) decorating their couches with the perfect throw pillow, a $59 value. Prizes dwindle significantly from that point but include 1,000 3.25” “tropical” plants and 2,500 gold envelopes that contain gift cards valued between 50 cents and $250. Waiter, another round of Swedish meatballs for everyone, if you please!
If the thought of your slower-still morning commute from Brooklyn is frustrating, delight in knowing that anyone willing to camp out for two days has clearly never actually tried to assemble anything from IKEA before. The frustration in discovering ill-fitting teeny tiny pieces of hardware provided with slabs of blond wood supposed to resemble a bookcase is plenty punishment for not leaving well enough alone in Red Hook, y’all.