New York Sports Express
Jason Phillips-even with his Bono-like insect glasses-has hit over .300 all year and has played solidly at first and catcher. Ty Wigginton-he looks like the chubby white cop "Herc" in The Wire-has been New York's best third-baseman.
The other three, Jeff Duncan, Aaron Heilman and Jae Seo, have shown promise. At least the Mets are going down with new faces and young men getting a shot at stardom. We'll take six kids over a dozen burnouts like Mo Vaughan any day.
Yo, Jet fans, clam up. Injuries are a part of football-that's why each team has 50 players. Take your licks out at the Meadowlands and hope Vinny and the Jets can fly again. If not, tough titties. There's no curse: The Jets just suck.
Family-owned and -operated, this step-down joint pulls no punches when it comes to hefty drinks, like a rum and Coke that equals five of the same beverages at other places. The rum bottle is held high, and a mist comes off the downward pour destined for extra-large plastic cafeteria cups. That Glacken's is not Stan's, adds yet another dimension to its already abundant greatness.
Glacken's also has free popcorn and thousands of uniform patches on its walls, some from public servants as far away as Idaho. The locals play chess and get serious about playing dominoes and watching the NBA offerings on the tv, but with Mike Glacken behind the bar, the night is always young and more often than not, he's got a story about Wes Unseld or Mike Stanley or Ed Koch.
Be sure to ask him how he manages to be a Giants fan with Jets season tickets. Or is it the other way around?
Best Queens Bar on Mets Game Nights
None. Shea Stadium is surrounded by parking lots and an auto-restoration yard, yo. God bless Robert Moses and his grand ideas. We can thank him for the "atmosphere" on game day in Queens.
Yeah, right, as if any of Benigno's listeners ever leave their houses. At least it's not another hair-restoration ad.
Best Reasons the Nets (and Devils) Should Move to Brooklyn
We got lots. Because BAM would no longer rule that part of downtown Brooklyn with its cultural-district iron fist. Because the local bars hit hard by the smoking ban could use a boost. Because the scalpers would have plenty of nooks and crannies in which to operate on Flatbush Ave. Because Post columnist Andrea Peyser says they should. Because the dollar vans on Flatbush might get national tv exposure. Because it would make developer Bruce Ratner seem less of a nerd. Because it's more exciting than Target and Red Lobster, and Brooklyn is dying to root for something-anything-to call its own. Look at the insane support for the Cyclones as an example.
Best Reason the MetroStars Should Build a Stadium in Harrison, NJ
Brilliant, innit. Because it would be reachable by public transportation, unlike that NFL dump in East Rutherford. Because ersatz hooligans could take over the entire PATH train, go to the game, then a curry shop and do a runner. It would make our pal Tony Blair quite proud, and the MLS would no longer be an embarrassing co-tenant victim of the ever-crooked New Jersey Sports and Exhibition Authority.
Best Way to Wake Mets Manager Art Howe from his Stupor
Art, we hardly even knew ya'. Give Jay Bell one of those annoying airhorn cans. In fact, give Jay Bell the chair in the manager's office and change the locks. Art should know that JetBlue has some great deals from JFK to Oakland, and while we appreciate his time and efficient oversight of the dismantling of the horrible collection of overpaid veterans and sandbagging mid-career louts, it's time to scoot back to the American League. Or to Pittsburgh.
Best Yankee Stadium Subway Platform Renovation
You fools! It's Earth! The D-train renovations of the past year have resulted in a bit of platform seating that would make Dr. Zaius proud. Set designs from The Planet of the Apes-in particular the tribunal scene when Taylor is paraded around in front of the council-seem to have inspired designers over at the MTA. We're thinking of the individual seats with large pylon formations of tile behind them. May we suggest Yankee reliever Jeff Nelson stand in for James Franciscus in the sequel? We'll let you do the rest of the casting, just let us know where you would put Ruben Sierra in all this.
Best John Huston Real-Life Sports Movie Moment
The oval in Queens. It's the mecca of pick-up soccer and regional leagues bearing teams with kooky Anglophile spoof names and some pretty good game action. One fine day during the Champions tour in July, a few Manchester United players showed up to have a kick around with whoever was there. Paul Scholes and Ryan Giggs were out punting with the punters. Oy mate, ever seen the Yankees do that with the local softballers? No word on bodyguards or security for these soccer superstars slumming it in Queens.
Best Blade Runner Sports Info Innovation, Pt. 1
Do androids dream of electric doubleheaders? A cab drifts by the snooty hotel bar you are stuck in. There's no tv, and there is plenty of sports action going on in the real world, away from the Prada this and the Birken bag that. You've got a window seat, and here comes this cab and there is an orange electronic sign on its roof with Matrix lettering, an ESPN logo and the score of the game. Pirates 5, Marlins 3 (F).
Another round of $24 Manhattans, please.
Best Blade Runner Sports Info Innovation, Pt. 2
Scores of scores. You're stuck in a cab and the driver has the radio wedged halfway on KTU and halfway on his Rai music cassingle in the rigged Audiovox tape player with half a speaker dangling in the rear. Drifting down the mess that is 7th Ave. as it becomes Varick, high in the sky near Spring St.-there's an ESPN billboard that flashes real-time scores and updates. Pirates 8, Marlins 3 (F).
Driver, take the scenic route!
Best Uses for Madison Square Garden While the Knicks and Rangers Play Golf
Shoot out the star, win a prize. Maybe a fractured Green Party convention, or an egg basket for Godzilla, or a large swap meet would be nice. Actually, the Shoot the Freak paintball attraction at Coney Island could be moved here, and the freak in this case could be ownership mogul James Dolan and his GM toadies Scott Layden and Glen Sather, with Knicks and Rangers season ticket holders getting the first shots while the "freak" sports suits attempt to hide behind large tractor tires and various concrete planters.
Best Prospective Franchise Additions for YankeeNets
Empire building. George Steinbrenner should be able to get along with the senior management from the following glowing competitive entities:
The Long Island Lizards of Major League Lacrosse, the Newark Bears independent league baseball team, Riker's Island junior varsity team handball, the Martha Stewart Living softball team, Jared Paul Stern's upstate butler, the Brownsville chess club and the Atlantic City bus driver's b-league bowling champions from the Port Authority league.
The Epsteinettes. Any tavern founded in 1918 with a terrible Peavey sound system that with a lame last call at 1:30 a.m. Early October dates will be fine. Or perhaps our very own MUGGER will suggest a place where the overrated preppy baseball executive can gig down in Baltimore?
Best Use for Unused Knicks and Rangers Tickets
Do your part. The Department of Sanitation website has listings of cardboard recycling days for various neighborhoods. Otherwise, these dusty ducats can be used to light cigars on the top deck of the Wall Street ferry to Jersey.
Best Candidate to Light the 2012 Olympic Torch
A special blue flame. Don Zimmer via his old Brooklyn Dodger-era fart-lighting trick, wearing the same generic uniform he wears in his hemorrhoid-cream commercial. He can borrow Lee Mazzilli's Bensonhurst Knights of Columbus Zippo lighter to do it. The IOC will be sure to send a tape to Lee's lodge and to the Yankees clubhouse.