New York Sports Express

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Best Knicks trade



Best
Knicks trade


Latrell Sprewell to Minnesota, Terrell Brandon to Atlanta, Glenn Robinson to
Philadelphia and Keith Van Horn to New York.



This is
a great trade for the Knicks, despite outward appearances. What Van Horn lacks
in toughness, athleticism, leadership qualities, and statistical productivity,
he more than makes up for in the ability to hit the wide-open 17-foot jumper
at least one-third of the time, and this is an important part of Don Chaney’s
offense. True, Van Horn is too weak a rebounder to play the four spot, and can’t
play defense at the three spot, and he often looks lost on the court despite
the fact that he apparently has no other interests in life, but he will reenergize
a fan base that for too long has had only good, overachieving black players
to cheer for. GM Scott Layden should be applauded for this bold move to lock
up a disappointing young player with a max contract for many years to come.



Best
Rookies


The New Mets



We believe
the children are the future. The 2003 season may be a wash for the Mets, but
they brought up six players this season who may be around for many New York
summers. The best of the New Jacks is Jose Reyes who, by next year, may unseat
Derek Jeter as New York’s best shortstop. Reyes is hitting over .300 and
may be the fastest man in baseball. He gets down the first base line faster
than a crackhead chasing a dealer.


Jason Phillips—even
with his Bono-like insect glasses—has hit over .300 all year and has played
solidly at first and catcher. Ty Wigginton—he looks like the chubby white
cop “Herc” in The Wire—has been New York’s best third-baseman.


The other
three, Jeff Duncan, Aaron Heilman and Jae Seo, have shown promise. At least
the Mets are going down with new faces and young men getting a shot at stardom.
We’ll take six kids over a dozen burnouts like Mo Vaughan any day.



Best
Whiners


Jet Fans



Bomber fans:
you’re number two. Jet fans moaned like they were in a nursing home when
their golden boy, Chad Pennington, went down with a broken wrist in the August
preseason game against the Giants. Sports radio was filled with Jet fans claiming
the team was cursed and Pennington’s injury was the final proof. Never
mind that the Jets have an excellent back-up in Vinny Testerverde—who,
11 months ago, was the starting quarterback.


Yo, Jet
fans, clam up. Injuries are a part of football—that’s why each team
has 50 players. Take your licks out at the Meadowlands and hope Vinny and the
Jets can fly again. If not, tough titties. There’s no curse: The Jets just
suck.



Best
Bronx Bar on Yankee Game Nights


Glacken’s


135 E. 149th St. (betw. Gerard & Walton Aves.), 718-585-7082



From bombers
to bombed. It’s not really in the shadow of the stadium, but then again,
everyone and everything lies about “being in the shadow” of this particular
structure. To get to Glacken’s, go down toward the Sanitation Garage, near
the black prostitute leaning on the orange Mercedes, the homeless shelter, the
freelance valet parking attendants and the Bronx lock-up. The stroll itself
has provided the proper post-game atmosphere for the Glacken’s experience—an
oasis of booze and bonhomie that’s been anchoring the block since 1940.


Family-owned
and -operated, this step-down joint pulls no punches when it comes to hefty
drinks, like a rum and Coke that equals five of the same beverages at other
places. The rum bottle is held high, and a mist comes off the downward pour
destined for extra-large plastic cafeteria cups. That Glacken’s is not
Stan’s, adds yet another dimension to its already abundant greatness.


Glacken’s
also has free popcorn and thousands of uniform patches on its walls, some from
public servants as far away as Idaho. The locals play chess and get serious
about playing dominoes and watching the NBA offerings on the tv, but with Mike
Glacken behind the bar, the night is always young and more often than not, he’s
got a story about Wes Unseld or Mike Stanley or Ed Koch.


Be sure
to ask him how he manages to be a Giants fan with Jets season tickets. Or is
it the other way around?



Best Queens Bar
on Mets Game Nights



None. Shea
Stadium is surrounded by parking lots and an auto-restoration yard, yo. God
bless Robert Moses and his grand ideas. We can thank him for the “atmosphere”
on game day in Queens.



Best
Late-Night WFAN Commercial


Umberto’s Clam House



No relation
to Eco. It’s almost worth it to stay up and hear overnight host Joe Benigno
read the Umberto’s Clam House copy with the extended “o” at the end. He
always points out that at 3:30 in the morning or whenever, “you still have 15
minutes to get over there” to see “Robert and the boys,” as they claim to be
the late-night destination in the “hawt” of Little Italy.


Yeah, right,
as if any of Benigno’s listeners ever leave their houses. At least it’s
not another hair-restoration ad.



Best
Bob Murphy Mets Radio Call


Any routine Mets single



Lye-een
drive left-center field, a base hit for Edgardo Alfonzo. Fill in the name of
any player who has worn the sickly blue and orange over the years. Take any
play, like a ground out to short that ends with “got ‘eem!” and the retiring
broadcaster who has been with the Mets since day one shines again. After this
season, the radio will have to go into the shop—something’s wrong
if the Mets are playing and Bob Murphy’s not describing.



Best Reasons the
Nets (and Devils) Should Move to Brooklyn



We got lots.
Because BAM would no longer rule that part of downtown Brooklyn with its cultural-district
iron fist. Because the local bars hit hard by the smoking ban could use a boost.
Because the scalpers would have plenty of nooks and crannies in which to operate
on Flatbush Ave. Because Post columnist Andrea Peyser says they should.
Because the dollar vans on Flatbush might get national tv exposure. Because
it would make developer Bruce Ratner seem less of a nerd. Because it’s
more exciting than Target and Red Lobster, and Brooklyn is dying to root for
something—anything—to call its own. Look at the insane support for
the Cyclones as an example.



Best Reason the
MetroStars Should Build a Stadium in Harrison, NJ



Brilliant,
innit. Because it would be reachable by public transportation, unlike that NFL
dump in East Rutherford. Because ersatz hooligans could take over the entire
PATH train, go to the game, then a curry shop and do a runner. It would make
our pal Tony Blair quite proud, and the MLS would no longer be an embarrassing
co-tenant victim of the ever-crooked New Jersey Sports and Exhibition Authority.



Best Way to Wake
Mets Manager Art Howe from his Stupor



Art, we
hardly even knew ya’. Give Jay Bell one of those annoying airhorn cans.
In fact, give Jay Bell the chair in the manager’s office and change the
locks. Art should know that JetBlue has some great deals from JFK to Oakland,
and while we appreciate his time and efficient oversight of the dismantling
of the horrible collection of overpaid veterans and sandbagging mid-career louts,
it’s time to scoot back to the American League. Or to Pittsburgh.



Best Yankee Stadium
Subway Platform Renovation



You fools!
It’s Earth! The D-train renovations of the past year have resulted in a
bit of platform seating that would make Dr. Zaius proud. Set designs from The
Planet of the Apes
—in particular the tribunal scene when Taylor is
paraded around in front of the council—seem to have inspired designers
over at the MTA. We’re thinking of the individual seats with large pylon
formations of tile behind them. May we suggest Yankee reliever Jeff Nelson stand
in for James Franciscus in the sequel? We’ll let you do the rest of the
casting, just let us know where you would put Ruben Sierra in all this.



Best John Huston
Real-Life Sports Movie Moment



The oval
in Queens. It’s the mecca of pick-up soccer and regional leagues bearing
teams with kooky Anglophile spoof names and some pretty good game action. One
fine day during the Champions tour in July, a few Manchester United players
showed up to have a kick around with whoever was there. Paul Scholes and Ryan
Giggs were out punting with the punters. Oy mate, ever seen the Yankees do that
with the local softballers? No word on bodyguards or security for these soccer
superstars slumming it in Queens.



Best Blade Runner
Sports Info Innovation, Pt. 1



Do androids
dream of electric doubleheaders? A cab drifts by the snooty hotel bar you are
stuck in. There’s no tv, and there is plenty of sports action going on
in the real world, away from the Prada this and the Birken bag that. You’ve
got a window seat, and here comes this cab and there is an orange electronic
sign on its roof with Matrix lettering, an ESPN logo and the score of the game.
Pirates 5, Marlins 3 (F).


Another
round of $24 Manhattans, please.



Best Blade
Runner
Sports Info Innovation, Pt. 2



Scores of
scores. You’re stuck in a cab and the driver has the radio wedged halfway
on KTU and halfway on his Rai music cassingle in the rigged Audiovox tape player
with half a speaker dangling in the rear. Drifting down the mess that is 7th
Ave. as it becomes Varick, high in the sky near Spring St.—there’s
an ESPN billboard that flashes real-time scores and updates. Pirates 8, Marlins
3 (F).



Driver, take the scenic
route!



Best Uses for
Madison Square Garden While the Knicks and Rangers Play Golf



Shoot out
the star, win a prize. Maybe a fractured Green Party convention, or an egg basket
for Godzilla, or a large swap meet would be nice. Actually, the Shoot the Freak
paintball attraction at Coney Island could be moved here, and the freak in this
case could be ownership mogul James Dolan and his GM toadies Scott Layden and
Glen Sather, with Knicks and Rangers season ticket holders getting the first
shots while the “freak” sports suits attempt to hide behind large tractor tires
and various concrete planters.



Best Prospective
Franchise Additions for YankeeNets



Empire building.
George Steinbrenner should be able to get along with the senior management from
the following glowing competitive entities:


The Long
Island Lizards of Major League Lacrosse, the Newark Bears independent league
baseball team, Riker’s Island junior varsity team handball, the Martha
Stewart Living
softball team, Jared Paul Stern’s upstate butler, the
Brownsville chess club and the Atlantic City bus driver’s b-league bowling
champions from the Port Authority league.



Best
Sports-Related Item that Screams out “Mug me!”


All those preppy guys walking west on 23rd St. toting their golf clubs.



Best NYC Venue
for Red Sox GM Theo Epstein’s Stupid Rock Band



The Epsteinettes.
Any tavern founded in 1918 with a terrible Peavey sound system that with a lame
last call at 1:30 a.m. Early October dates will be fine. Or perhaps our very
own MUGGER will suggest a place where the overrated preppy baseball executive
can gig down in Baltimore?



Best Use for Unused
Knicks and Rangers Tickets



Do your
part. The Department of Sanitation website has listings of cardboard recycling
days for various neighborhoods. Otherwise, these dusty ducats can be used to
light cigars on the top deck of the Wall Street ferry to Jersey.



Best Candidate
to Light the 2012 Olympic Torch



A special
blue flame. Don Zimmer via his old Brooklyn Dodger-era fart-lighting trick,
wearing the same generic uniform he wears in his hemorrhoid-cream commercial.
He can borrow Lee Mazzilli’s Bensonhurst Knights of Columbus Zippo lighter
to do it. The IOC will be sure to send a tape to Lee’s lodge and to the
Yankees clubhouse.




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