Meet 'The Bard' and Horny Judges at 'The Gong Show' at Arlene's Grocery
With everyone wanting to make a fool of themselves on reality TV these days, it only makes sense that the silliness of the '70s game show, The Gong Show, would have a resurgence. In New York alone, theres [The Gong Show] organized by Horse Trade Theater the third Thursday of every month and, recently, Dana Sterling started a [Gong Show](http://newyork.going.com/gongshow) at Arlenes Grocery. And lets not forget the [Falun Gong show](http://www.slate.com/id/113365), even if its not the kind of Gong Show Im talking about. Plus, when the gong is struck at the [Orchid Lounge](http://www.orchidloungenyc.com), everyone gets a free shot on the house.
Last week, I went to the newest iteration at [Arlenes Grocery] for a fantastically surreal experience. Im a little too young to have seen the original program on TV, but when I stepped into the LES bar, I walked into a fictional world where everyone becomes a two-dimensional character on some sort of show. If they're not a vicious, narcissistic (or horny) judge, then they're a crazed audience member shouting take off your pants! to every performer on stage. It's really just a trumped up talent show, with a judge who strikes the gong if they hate an act. Audience members vote for one of the finalists whom the judges choose.
As I took a seat, a minstrel named [Captain Zorikh] in a kilt with a guitar strapped to him came over and kissed my hand and asked me to please vote for him when it came time for audiences favorites. Then he gave me his card, which looks something like a Magic The Gathering game card. On the front, it says The Bard. On the back, after stating his race, height, weight, class, alignment (vertically symmetrical, natch), and weapons, it reads: Whether in the far-flung future or the dimly remembered past, his powerful voice and dry wit has brought a smile to the lips and a tear to the eye of many a hardened warrior and lovely lass.
Dana Sterling, the woman who brought us [Amateur Female Jello Wrestling], has managed to attract an eclectic contingent of folks full of pretend perviness. The Gong Show is like a twilight zone space, where you become part of this invisible script, and ham it up for a night of good-natured, cheesy badness. For all of the kinky attempts, there is something downright wholesome and a bit Brady Bunch about it alland its not just people wearing vintage clothes. I felt like I was joining an oddball family that enjoys spending weekends going to Medieval Times or Colonial Williamsburg.
Sunday nights acts included Juan Scissor Hands, a sales manager for Diesel who had two beautiful women come on stage in ugly T-shirts. He cut their clothes up and reshaped them into stylish fashionable tops. A judge gonged him for taking too long. Rodney Ramos, an illustrator from DC comics, drew a Joker on the female judges back, and for the encore, drew a Wonder Woman on another womans back. There was also a Mr. Stiffee Ice Cream Man boylesque act and Rebecca Macabre, an amateur burlesque debut.
The finalists included Mortimer the Steel Baron: The Worlds First White Collar Comedian who joked about diamond studded tampons, blood diamonds and being rich. Jon Darling singer/guitarist of Greyrace wowed the women with his voice and bare torso for the encore. Jessica Delfino, the hilarious Rape Whistle Girl sang, rapped, danced and played the rape whistle, and won the $100 cash prize.
There were also spring rolls going around the room made by Missy from the "italiaricankitchen." The whole experience was pleasantly bizarre. One of the judges, Adam, the Real Man, did some stupid human tricks, but I looked away because Im sensitive to gross things (and these were certainly unsavory). When I looked back too soon, there was a nail in his nostril. He asked my friend Lucy to volunteer and to pull the nail out of his nasal passage. When she gave it to him, he licked it! See what I'm saying? The other judges, Tracy Thompkins and Greg Hoy entertained the audience with their music, with Hoy on guitar and vocals and Thompkins on drums, as the audience members voted.
Other than [Amateur Female Jello Wrestling] (on 3/9), Sterling also hosts silly basement games during [Disco Crisco Twister](http://newyork.going.com/discocriscotwister) on March 16, which has been described to me as spin the bottle and other games "for adults" (or adults who want to feel like children), all at Arlenes Grocery, 95 Stanton (bet. Allen & Ludlow).