You’ve tried being a model citizen, but now you’re getting frustrated. Discouraged, even. After all, if you enjoyed watching two people talk over one another and twist the facts in their favor, you wouldn’t have moved out of that one bedroom, post-college triple. But alas, that gave you chronic acid reflux, and so does this.
How to… watch the debates with no regrets, or indigestion.
1) Before even turning on the TV, shut your laptop.
2) Just shut it. In fact, put it to the side – somewhere it won’t tempt you – and don’t worry about the outline of dust, tan, or cobwebs its absence may leave in your lap. That will fade.
3) Turn off your phone. Or at the very least, disable your Internet. One… two… three… Airplane Mode!
4) I know, I know. How will you promptly create a Tumblr for each and every office-supply-of-the-90s Romney mentions?
5) Now, for the love of god, wait until the i-cloud of dust has settled and people have come to their virtual senses before going online again. Is that clear?
6) Then if you do feel the need to comment, at least you’ll have the distance and clarity of having filtered the debate through your own brain, if not other resources, rather than vomiting it up and onto Facebook before you’ve even had a chance to swallow. Digest. Whatever.
7) Hell, wait until after the Daily Show and you might even sound smart.
8) Have you turned on the TV yet? You’re missing it!
9) Okay, hold on to your hopes – here we go.
10) Take a moment of silence every time a candidate smiles. After all, “Every time a politician angry-smiles, a speech writer loses his wings – uh – gets fired.”
11) I’m already losing you, aren’t I? Stay with me.
13) Let’s play a little game. Every time they say “deficit,” you hear “cupcakes.” Got it?
14) “That is just an unreasonable amount to increase our nation’s cupcakes. It’s irresponsible.”
15) [Angry smile.]
16) “President Obama fails to mention the intricacies of my cupcake plan! It’s all about balance; where I add some cupcakes, I withhold others.”
17) When Romney loses the election – gasp! – sorry, we’ll keep this nice and impartial. When Romney is looking for unspecified employment in 2013, I predict a new baking cookbook, with his face on the cover. Romney in my Tummny. Or to keep it simple, like the American people, Oven Mitts.
18) Every time Romney (or, to be fair, anyone else) interrupts, play a Kanye song. “I’mma let you finish, but –” this ones for Biden.
19) Do not, I repeat do not, look directly into Romney’s eyes.
20) Wait, what day is it again? Oh! False alarm, this is SNL. Now pay attention. They’re getting to some key issues here!
Trackback from your site.