Juice. Cleanse. Are any two words in the English language more hated? More feared? More cringe-inducing? No, “The Holidays” don’t count. That’s one word because you don’t count “the” in the – you know what? Forget it.
Anyway, I hope you’re ready to burn some money – I mean FAT – because we’re doing a pre-holiday juice cleanse!
How to survive a juice cleanse:
- First rule of the juice cleanse – don’t talk about the juice cleanse.
- Just kidding, talk about it endlessly! No one should NOT know that you’re doing a juice cleanse.
- Be sure to choose your juices wisely.
- The thicker the better. You shouldn’t be able to see through that juice at all.
- Stick to the brown colored juices that have “chocolate” or “milk” in the title.
- What? Yes it’s a juice – cow juice. Shut up.
- Also acceptable ingredients are almonds, coconuts, dates, any variety of nut or nut butter, straight up butter. You know, to balance the acidity.
- Don’t pay attention when the salesperson starts pushing those watery green juices. If we’re really trying to flush out toxins here, watery juices aren’t going to move SHIT. Literally.
- If they tell you the calories in the brown chocolate-date-almond-milk-juice, they’re LYING. They just don’t sell enough of those gross clear juices and you look like an easy mark.
- If you insist on trying the watery ones, at least opt for those with fruit.
- Assuming they provide nutritional information, be sure to check the sugar content. The more sugar it has, the better it will taste. Plus it’s fruit sugar, not chocolate or something.
- What? No, I was talking about chocolate JUICE before and yes of course it’s healthy they SELL IT HERE, DON’T THEY?
- Fine. Why don’t you try this teeny green shot of grass juice then? Wheatgrass, eh? That sounds right up your alley!
- Oh! You don’t like that, do you?
- Always be sure to keep those reusable bags they give you. Those are not just because they feel guilty for charging so much – those are barf bags. You know, for anyone who has never tasted chlorophyll and tries to be a hero.
- If you insist on torturing yourself with the murky vegetable waters, be sure to drink them as quickly as possible. Don’t exhale until it’s all down.
- Don’t burp. Dear god, don’t burp.
- Make sure the juices are as cold as possible. The colder they are, the less you will taste them.
- That funky vegetable one should practically be frozen. In fact, try freezing it, breaking it into little pieces, and then swallowing them whole.
- Once your reach the third “meal” of your cleanse, you may start to consider eating things you might not otherwise.
- Put down the cat.
- Take that pencil out of your mouth. I don’t care if they no longer use real lead in them.
- When you get truly desperate, start wearing the same clothes you wore earlier this week. Try on the sweater you wore for that cheeseburger on Wednesday.
- Sniff sniff. Ahhh, that’s the stuff.
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