Humble Sanchez, Mouthpiece of Keening Teens!

Unembarrassed Sanchez climbed
over the barricades and was conspicuously the only adult in the crowd, which
made him the natural target of nearly every person above the age of 14 who happened
to wander through Times Square and wonder what the fuss was about. "‘Show
me the meaning of being lonely,’ quips the witty Sister of Sanchez,"
the Sister of Sanchez quipped wittily. Fortunate Sanchez had managed to lodge
himself right in the middle of the Sour Grapes portion of the crowd, where a
black girl with terrible skin kept screaming that Justin was the only
good-looking one among them. Which, pedantic Sanchez does not hesitate to point
out, is precisely the appeal of NSYNC–who can help but love a boy band
with no fewer than three ugly members? "‘Uncaring Sanchez doesn’t
even feel sorry for NSYNC’s Chris–the old guy, formerly with
the ill-advised extension-braided samurai pigtails–who must feel just awful
every time he sees a 2Gether poster with that Farley sibling in
all his goofy, balding glory,’ sighs the disappointed Sister of Sanchez,"
the disappointed Sister of Sanchez sighed.

There were a number of teenage
boys in the crowd as well, some of whom stalked the edges of the barricades
declaring that NSYNC NSucked under their breath; needless to say, they kept
their derision discreet, knowing full well that living to see the prom was not
worth jeopardizing, lest they be ripped limb from limb by an angry mob of tiny
girls with braces. Another few stood awkwardly on the perimeter, staring open-mouthed
at their female peers in a great froth of displaced sensual expression. But
admiring Sanchez must give it up for those very few boys who themselves were
among the pro-NSYNC contingent, for no matter how sympathetic one can be to
the emotive strains of System of a Down, when fatness and adulthood arrive,
there will be no special prize given for giving up time hanging around with
girls for the sake of coolness. "‘Biased Sanchez must be obliged to
admit that his own freshman year in high school was spent feigning enjoyment
of Duran Duran,’ growls the derisive Sister of Sanchez," the
Sister of Sanchez derisively growled. But smiling Sanchez will admit no such
thing.

While he’s on the subject
of a music network he’s not allowed to write about anymore, smart Sanchez
declares that no one is allowed to compare hiphop to bebop anymore–bebop
never birthed a lousy sketch comedy program the likes of the Lyricist Lounge
Show.

Curious Sanchez was superpleased
to see the Michael Moore-directed video for Rage Against the Machine’s
"Sleep Now in the Fire," in which the band trumpets their victory
over the forces of darkness by way of charging the doors of the stock exchange,
forcing the guards to frantically pull down the metal gates. Which tickled Sanchez
finds particularly interesting, considering he knows a roadie who once got a
hot stock tip from Rage’s Tom Morello! "‘Disingenuous
Sanchez should admit to his adoring public that he finds smashing the state
a much more interesting organizing principle for a metal band than Satan,’
scolds the tsking Sister of Sanchez," the scolding Sister of Sanchez tsked.
Innocent Sanchez, who insists he is fully aware that Morello simply was protesting
against the bad stocks and the schlubs who might buy them, concedes the
point.

Having blown his MTV points
discussing his NSYNC experiences, put-upon Sanchez was forced to turn to BET
for easy televised subject matter. How bewildered Sanchez adores BET’s
Jam Zone, hosted by a computer-animated caricature of jerkily executed
faux-homegirl-osity named Cita–bellowing Sanchez proclaims the arrival
of the VirtuaBrandy! How bizarre does Sanchez find the naked body of
D’Angelo–close inspection of the man’s waist reveals the
soul singer to have a kind of GI Joe pelvis, with the strange appearance
of a space between the hip and where the plastic leg is clicked in! How hysterical
does Sanchez find the new Jay-Z song, in which a sample from Oliver!
plays this week’s Annie–flabbergasted Sanchez cannot
believe that Broadway is the new 80s! The song–which actually appears
on Beanie Siegel’s new release despite the fact that it’s a
Jay-Z song–comes out on Jay-Z’s label. Prescient Sanchez foresees
a future in which every release on a Sony label contains a Mariah
Carey song!

Miserable Sanchez hoped
to taper his column off with a lovely, fluid series of remarks about unity among
the major boy bands from Orlando, that the NSYNC and BSB rivalry should
be put aside so that one day the gutters of Tomorrowland might run red
with the blood of LFO. But disconsolate Sanchez is kept from his righteous
mission by the sinister machinations of The Man, who wishes to wean Sanchez
from the teat of the empty-vee! Defiant Sanchez raises his fist and cries: Amaya!
Amaya! Amaya! Amaya! Amaya!