I have been seeing this guy for the past month. He is great, but I worry that he thinks we are in a quasi-relationship and is getting a little too attached. He wants to tell our friends about us, but I have just been avoiding the question. To make matters more complicated, he is the brother of one of my roommates so he drops by all the time unannounced. How do I get him to stop coming over? And how should I respond to his emotional intensity?
Congratulations! You just asked the million-dollar question. If only I knew the answer to that one …
I must admit, you really do need help. Not only are you stuck in the “my booty call is getting too attached” dilemma (which, by the way, you just proved happens to girls too), you have to deal with a major complication as well!
His sibling is your roommate? I think you just set a new standard for making matters more complicated.
I’ll be honest: My instinct is telling me to tell you that you are pretty much in a bad situation. But that wouldn’t be very nice. So, being the (cough) gentleman that I am, I’ll do my best you give you some pointers.
What you want to establish first is whether he’s worth it. Because to me, the obvious solution would be to dump him. But if he’s really that great, or if you think that maybe you could fall for him eventually, you should probably consider the alternatives first.
Speaking about alternatives, it’s not like you have that many to choose from. But worry not! After a very painful brain-rattling session, I came up with two possible plans to make that guy understand that you need your space.
My first brilliant idea: Talk to him (any ungrateful reaction vaguely resembling a “thanks, Captain Obvious” will be met with severe punishment). Wait, there’s more.
So you talk to him, and try to explain in the nicest possible way that he is slowly draining the life energy out of you. Thankfully, you’re not the first person this has happened to, which gives you an abundance of clichés to chose from. Here’s an arbitrary selection:
“I need my space.”
“I’m not looking for a relationship right now.”
“I feel like I have no privacy with you dropping by unannounced all the time.”
“I think I may have pinkeye.”
“What has a tail, a head, is brown and has no legs?” (Granted, this one will probably just buy you some time.)
Seriously though, once you’ve jumped in, the conversation should flow by itself. The hard part is bringing it up. I guess you could just pout all day until he asks you what’s up. That’s what I would do.
Okay so, brilliant idea number two: Let’s say you really want to avoid the whole “let’s talk” thingy. You could always go for subtlety. Just grow increasingly distant. Don’t reply to texts that often, tell him you’re busy, especially when he drops by to “see his brother.” In theory, he should get that he’s being too involved. In theory. Then again, men are pretty clueless creatures.
In the end, whether you go for the direct or indirect approach, your success will largely be determined by a factor you can’t really control: his reaction. Of course, chances are that he is a mature, reasonable individual who would rather see a little less of you than lose you completely, and he’ll start being less clingy.
Or he’ll just go into a nervous breakdown, cry like a baby and beg you to stay with him, because, you see, he loves you. If that’s the case, we are pretty much back to square one.
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