By Rachel Khona
Ever since that fateful episode of “Sex and the City”, when Berger says to Miranda “He’s not just into you,” I’ve questioned the validity of the statement “He’s just not that into you.” And why is the onus on the woman? On the contrary, what if he just doesn’t have any balls? What if he’s just a nut?
Not that you should date a ball-less nut, but the idea that if a man acts strangely it’s because not into you assumes the fact that all men are self-confident and emotionally available.
For every guy who knows what he wants, there’s another one who’s insecure, overly analytical, and/or just plain kookoo for Cocoa Puffs. For example there was a guy I knew who basically ignored me for 2 years until confessing his undying love for me in a drunken stupor. Then there was the super cute Mark Wahlberg look-a-like who had convinced himself that I would never go out with him. Um hello?! MW is HOT. I would go out with Mark Wahlberg’s left pinky toe.
This phenomenon is one which I like to call “He Just Doesn’t Have Any Balls.” Maybe he never had any balls or maybe he’s a leper and he lost them. Sometimes while I’m talking to a guy, I actually hear them drop and roll away. Yep sometimes you can hear a thud and the sound of them rolling away, much like a bowling ball down an alley. It’s enough to make me want to scream “WAIT! Go get your balls!! They’re rolling away!”
Alas that never seems to work. Take this situation with the Tin Man for example. We met at a coffee shop and hit it off right away. We had witty banter, the same sense of humor, a shared taste in music, and he was gorgeous. Unfortunately he didn’t have any balls.
On our first date the chemistry was thicker than the humidity of an Amazonian jungle. I went home floating on cloud nine, thrilled to finally meet a guy that seemed to be everything I was looking for. He texted me the next day to tell me what a great time he had, and how he couldn’t wait to see me again.
We texted back and forth and I mentioned going to Coney Island at some point, because what girl doesn’t like Ferris Wheels and cotton candy on a date?
And then….radio silence. I didn’t hear from him for 4 days. We were mid-convo so it made next to no sense. I wondered what could have possibly gone wrong. Was my idea that terrible? Did he have a secret girlfriend hiding somewhere? Was he abducted by man-eating aliens? Was he just not that into me?
Though I didn’t want to, I finally caved and texted him, because at the very least I felt he should let me know what happened.
Me: Hey did you get my last text? I never heard back.
Tin Man: I was gonna ask you if you want to hang tonight or tomorrow night and I was thinking about this weekend but I have obligations to help with a friend’s wedding this weekend so I was thinking of when we could meet and then you mentioned that you liked Coney Island but I don’t like Coney Island, so I was trying to think of something similar but I couldn’t think of anything.
Me: So you’ve been thinking about where to go for four days?
Tin Man: Yeah. Well I was thinking there is mini golf which is kind of similar but then I was thinking it might be too hot so then….”
And on his rambling went. His thought process involved more analysis than an episode of “Hardball”. Instead of just suggesting something else, he analyzed his response for FOUR days. His lack of response was not because he wasn’t that into me, it was because he lacked the “balls” to make any sort of decision. Not exactly a flattering trait. I realized immediately he was more than I could deal with. Fortunately I had the balls to end it.
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