Gift Guide 2004: Gift Guide
NAUGHTY BITS
133 Mercer St. (betw. Prince and Spring Sts.)
212-965-0229, agentprovocateur.com
Also good for Mother's Day. Not everyone can afford a $100 pair of Chantilly lace knickers (never mind the $150 Virginie bra to match), but for that odd instance when you can-end-of-year bonus, tax refund, a forgotten security deposit-it's Agent Provocateur. Women flock to their Collette garter-belts ($72) and Marilyn no-cup bras and matching miniscule thong ($225) for a reason. While your average bloke buys at a XXX-novelty shop-only to slapped in the face by his girlfriend for being stupid enough to think she would ever wear such getups-Agent Provocateur offers real fabric and the marketing to match. We swear by AP for one reason: maximum pleasure while shopping, be it online or in their Soho boutique.
On the website, each piece of lingerie is paraded by a sexy lady styled by a fashion photographer. Unlike Victoria's Secret, which deletes nipples from photos of sheer lingerie and will never show a full-on V-string, the spreads are uncensored. Agent Provocateur lingerie can also be viewed from various angles, which is superb for those Jolene thongs ($63), and has an incredible zoom option.
In real life, upon entering an Agent Provocateur store, one is greeted by a sexy saleslady wearing the signature tight pink dress and a pair of thigh-highs from the collection. We can't help but wonder what's underneath. Is it the frilly Cookie brief that is see-through all over, or the leather cat string that's so tiny it has to be uncomfortable? We advise browsing the store thoroughly, sneaking peeks at the help when possible. When she asks if you need help, impress her with your credit limit and purchase the hottest item in the store: the Stella satin bra, with matching thong and Roll On garter belt (which should set you back a mere $342). This lovely set is a sleek black with certain provocative sections cut out in the shape of a star and replaced with sheer mesh. And don't forget stockings ($18), or to daydream of the salesgirl modeling it for you.
A BODY MOD
NEW YORK ADORNED
47 2nd Ave. (betw. 2nd & 3rd Sts.)
212-473-0007, nyadorned.com
Excessorize. As a child, our pudgy lil' sausage fingers were pretty cute. Years later, taller and with improved grammar, the chubby little-boy fingers remained-not exactly the height of sexy to which we aspired, and a particularly woeful bodily condition when trying on any standard rings. It is perhaps this sad truth, with an "if you can't join 'em, beat 'em" decorative mentality, that long ago prompted our foray into the world of stretched ear lobes and septum spikes. While mom claimed the septum ring made us look "like a pig, you know, on a farm" she also admitted that we had good taste in jewelry. Looking for a variety of gauges and materials not stocked at Claire's or Macy's led us into a finer world of fine things.
Lately, we've calmed down a bit with the needles and studs, but we haven't stopped visiting our favorite jewelry spot: New York Adorned. Besides being a skilled and sanitary spot for piercings and tattoos, the glass cases lining this warm-hued shop house an amazing collection of pieces you won't see on anyone else. A changing lineup of earrings in hard-to-find jade and amber can be seen in back by asking the piercer. Meanwhile, they carry unique lines of necklaces, bracelets and other jewelry that's friendly to those without man-made holes. Think metals, wood, glass and stone, from delicate to dangerous.
Our nose ring still makes Grandma a bit squeamish, but at least people are so busy eyeing our heavy jade earrings that no one notices just how fat our fingers are.
EASIER TRANSFERS
AIRPORT TRANSIT GUIDE
800-962-4943, magellans.com
Dude, where's my gate? For those on the fly, a gift of the compact and complete Salk International Airport Transit Guide is an indication of your loving consideration, understanding and support-and a reminder for them to hurry home to you as quickly as they possibly can. With the help, of course, of this pocket-size, 144-page tome that imparts all essentials for efficient negotiation to, from and through 455 airports both large and small. Chock full of A to Z info, including latest details about airport hotels, car rentals, public rides to downtown and more, it's an invaluable gift for just $10.
RARE BOOKS
12TH STREET BOOKS
11 E. 12th St. (betw. 5th Ave. & University Pl.)
212-645-4340
Stack macking. Despite a sometimes ornery staff, this is one of the best places to find gifts for the discriminating book lover. There are ample sections devoted to history, political science, fiction, entertainment and philosophy, as well as an entire wall stacked with large-sized art and design books. Everything is well organized and the prices are some of the best in town.
This year we found an 1874 edition of Prescott's Conquest of Peru, in good condition, for just $4. Another year a rare book from 1899 on the Spanish American War (priced at $15 and in fine shape) became a gift that is still cherished by its recipient. With an extensive, navigable collection and convenient location, 12th Street Books provides a quiet, accessible alternative to the chaos of the nearby Strand.
HARD TO FIND BLACK FILMS
HARD TO FIND BLACK FILMS
243 W. 125th St. (betw. 7th & 8th Aves.)
212-280-3302
Black in black and white. Up a flight of rickety stairs in an ancient building next to the Apollo Theatre is a treasure trove of black entertainment history. Hard to Find Black Films specializes in movies and television shows representing many eras, from electrifying clips of James Brown's fancy footwork to Pam Grier blaxploitation flicks of the 1970s to classics like Green Pastures and Stormy Weather. The store has practically every black-oriented film that has ever appeared on video, and many more that haven't.
We don't know where else, for example, one could obtain a copy of Otto Preminger's rarely seen 1959 version of Porgy and Bess, starring the luminous Dorothy Dandridge. The copy may be murky (it's probably been taped from an old tv screening), but historically it's invaluable. With low prices and knowledgeable service, the store provides a quintessentially Harlem experience-right down to the television screen on the street that blares the latest gospel stage plays. While you're in the neighborhood, head around the corner to Bobby's Happy House (run by 1950s and 60s record impresario Bobby Robinson) and buy CD stocking stuffers for less than what you'll pay at Tower.
FANCY UMBRELLAS
RAIN OR SHINE
18 W. 55th St. (betw. 5th & 6th Aves.)
212-741-9650
Don't rain on me. For mourners of the umbrella store known as Uncle Sam, last of its kind until it went under in April 2000, life has been good, or better than it was, since last year's opening of Rain or Shine, a scaled-down version of the old Uncle Sam and a salvager of perhaps Uncle Sam's greatest asset: Mr. Gilbert Center, umbrella repairman, now in his eighties and still going strong.
There isn't enough space for a workroom at Rain or Shine, so all the repairs are done off-site. But even in absentia, Gilbert is a force. Recently when showing us a Pierre Vaux folding umbrella (men's basic black, $35), Peggy Levee, who owns and runs the operation, hit us with a sales line impossible to resist: "Gilbert flipped when he saw this umbrella." The sturdy fiberglass frame is what got to him, that and the wide canopy, or "cover," as it's called-a cover as wide across as a regular umbrella's.
Gilbert phoned in to the shop while we were there, and Peggy invited us to speak to him directly. Whatever this country's feelings toward the French, Gilbert himself is in love with their umbrellas, three of whose lines can be found at the shop: the aforementioned Pierre Vaux, Piganiol and Guy de Jean.
"They're out of this world," Gilbert said of these makes, his voice going high up the scale with emotion. For beauty and craftsmanship in the mid-$100 range, he also singled out the Italian-made Maglias (half the price of the English-made Briggs).
The shop, though small, is nicely designed, with the umbrellas lining the walls, making for ample room on the floor to open and close umbrellas at will (and parasols, too, if that's your taste).
EX LIBRIS ANONYMOUS JOURNALS
AVAILABLE AT BLUESTOCKINGS
172 Allen St. (betw. Stanton & Rivington Sts.)
212-777-6028, exlibrisanonymous.com
Instant history. A couple years back, Jasmine and Jacob Deatherage of Olympia, WA, came up with a creative solution to dealing with Jasmine's mountainous collection of old books with cool covers. Jasmine realized that turning the books into journals would give them a useful new life; the couple took their savings and created a home bindery.
As every journal is made of an old book, no two are alike. Each is bound by black spiral plastic, has 75 pages, and is filled with a fine journal- or sketching-appropriate weight of paper. What further distinguishes Ex Libris Anonymous journals from others is that they include select pages from the original book. That could be charts, beautiful illustrations or enticing bits of story. One we picked up lived its first life as The Soup Stone: The Magic of Familiar Things. The cover has a genie on it, as well as some old library tape. It's even got that old- book smell.
Bluestockings is carrying a large stock of Ex Libris Journals, and the books are also available on the couple's website; $11 includes shipping anywhere in the U.S. Or, you can send an old book to Ex Libris, and they'll convert it into a journal for you for $9; you can specify up to five pages that you'd like interspersed throughout, even where you'd like them placed.
JAPANOPHILIA
TOY TOKYO
121 2nd Ave., ste. 2F (betw. 7th & 8th Sts.)
212-673-5424
Never-never land. For the Japanophile who's moved beyond Pokemon, but who hates porn, it's Toy Tokyo all the way. While horny Japanophiles would be well-suited to the latest volume of Yellow Fever, those with a palate leaning more toward anime than ass-fucking could stand some of this action. Sitting on a second-floor East Village roost, Toy Tokyo is a plush and plastic dream. Within the multicolored crannies sit some extended-childhood pleasures like Astro Boy action figures, dolls from Akira Kurosawa's oeuvre and Dragonball Z.
But that's just the tip of the toy iceberg. Well represented are cuddly Spirited Away dolls, ubertrendy Bathing Ape bears and, for Western-leaning tastes, Ugly Dolls and more Star Wars action figures than you could shake a hard plastic light saber at.
NUDE PEOPLE
SALMAGUNDI CLUB
THE SPRING STUDIO
64 Spring St. (betw. Lafayette & Crosby Sts.)
212-226-7240
No giggling allowed. Naked poseurs are a gift they're sure to like. Give a series of classes in drawing and painting from live nude models. We recommend the Salmagundi Club, a private artist's club located in a beautifully restored mansion on lower 5th Ave. Several studios around New York offer this service-for example, the well-known Spring Studio, below-but Salmagundi's classes are uniquely suited to those just getting started or hobbyists.
In the comfort of its belle epoch rooms, you learn without pressure. Gift certificates are available, and you can choose the number of classes you want to give, as the club has a pay-as-you-go policy. No registration is necessary; just show up with your materials. Classes are three hours long and start promptly on Monday evenings at 7, and Thursday evenings at 6:30. Monday's classes cost $7 per session without instruction, $11 with. Thursday's classes cost $9 without, $13 with.
The Spring Studio has a more professional student base, but beginners are welcome. They offer 20 different sessions a week with models at $12 per session (five classes for $50).
A DRINK
LUCKY 13
718-499-7553
"It's all set." Here's a gift we'd love to wrap our lips around. Over at Park Slope's leather-clad metal bar, Lucky 13, a chalkboard promises to perk up everyone's yuletide spirit. When lushie friends stroll in and try to order one of Lucky 13's one-buck (until 8 p.m.) Busch Lights, their cash will be rebuffed. Why? You've plonked down the dough in advance.
Select how many beers you want to buy and the choker-wearing waitstaff will mark your friend's name on the board, along with his bounty of pre-ordered brew. All he has to do is stroll into the ex-karate dojo, plop some Hatebreed into the jukebox and tilt his Christmas cheer bottoms up. It's just the ticket to temper the relative insanity.
TOON TIMEWARP
Warner Bros.
Kill dat waaabit! When the first Looney Tunes Golden Collection was released last year, fans (the pathetic ones, at least) began complaining almost immediately about what was and was not included, and how the cartoons were organized on the four-disc set. Then they all went out and bought it anyway.
Guess what? With the release of Vol. 2, they're complaining again.
"Where's "Robin Hood Daffy"?" they ask.
"Where's "Beanstalk Bunny"?"
And so forth.
No, those two aren't here. But What's Opera, Doc? is, and so is One Froggy Evening. And so are 58 other uncut Warner Brothers 'toons on four discs (again arranged roughly by character). Half the cartoons come with commentary tracks, and each disc is loaded with other fancy extras. So if you pick this up for a whiner who looks crestfallen to learn that his favorite Speedy Gonzales cartoon still hasn't been digitized, don't feel bad-he's still thrilled to have the set, and he still loves you, deep down, for saving him $65.
SETH & ALICE PARKER
646-312-9941
No-plumber's-crack guarantee. They say the couple that screws and bangs together, stays together. We are, of course, talking about making good use of a screwdriver, a hammer and a host of power tools in the name of domestic design and marital bliss. Seth and Alice Parker are 24-year-old Astoria-based newlyweds who form a popular handyman/woman team. With a decidedly anti-Home Depot approach, the happy couple (former dancers both) brings a human touch to the intricate ballet that is home repair.
"We like to keep things casual," says Parker. "Our customers like our friendly style, and that results in lots of referrals."
If your holiday list includes a special someone lacking the HGTV level skills needed for repairs, renovations, remodeling or just finding a space-efficient way to hang that damn snowboard, give the gift of handiness. Available in house calls from two people who can pirouette if necessary.
ORGANIC GOODS
SAI'S ORGANICS
36-07 30th Ave. (betw. 36th & 37th Sts.)
718-956-1793
Good enough to eat. Holiday shopping at the health food store? Welcome to the new Astoria, where Sai's Organics has the goods to get the wheatgrass crowd ready to ring in a non-toxic 2005. A pound of Jim's Organic coffee (go for the hazelnut) makes for a smooth stocking-stuffer surprise, while a Super Sai's gift certificate would allow the Queens-based Holistic Harry in your life a field day choosing from the fresh soups served daily, juices and smoothies, and the uncanny selection of un-tuna, un-chicken and un-turkey heroes.
Prepared gift bags overflow with chemical-free shampoo, moisturizer and other cosmetics, soothing herbal-tea sampler packs, and decadent organic chocolate bars of all shapes and varieties. What better way to say Merry Late December than with a goodie bag filled with good taste and good health?
SOME NICE TRIM
BOCAGE
177 Orchard St. (betw. Rivington & Stanton Sts.)
212-979-2909
Make it pretty. Decorators rise! It's your time of year. Now trim the tree, the house, your hair, your cards, your jeans, your underwear. We satisfy our craving to create at Bocage, an Orchard St. boutique specializing in vintage trims and craft items. A great source for holiday supplies for the do-it-yourselfers, they also offer design services for the you-do-it-I'll-watch crowd. We love their classes and private "parties" that teach even the un-artistic how to giftwrap, make cards and journals, jewelry, decoupage and more.
Owner Stephanie Kheder's creative energy is contagious and her range of craft skills impressive. Give lessons as a gift, or throw your own wrap party and create packages even Martha would be proud of. Prices run from, oh, give me a dozen, to wow, I'll just take one, but are generally moderate. Warning: Once you start embellishing, no surface will be safe.
AVAILABLE AT BARNES & NOBLE
Wasn't that Randy Quaid? True, they should have put the kibosh on Saturday Night Live a few years ago. Recently the show's suffered from piss-poor writing, indecipherable sketches and lip-syncers who think they're musicians. But just because the show sucks shouldn't prevent erstwhile fans from enjoying or testing one another's knowledge of past eras. Trivial Pursuit now features an SNL version of the game on DVD. Put all those long hours of wasted Saturday nights to good use and answer the following: What Brat Pack star was an SNL cast-member? Which season did SNL's roster include such comedic luminaries as Billy Crystal, Martin Short and Christopher Guest? What did Damon Wayans do to get kicked off the show? If you guessed Anthony Michael Hall, 1984 and because he played a gay cop, you win three wedges.
AMERICA'S DOG
AMERICAN PITBULL
By Marc Joseph
Steidl, 248 pages, $69.95
It's a dog thang. Our girlfriend gave us American Pitbull for our birthday and we gotta say, it kicks all other coffee-table books' asses, hands down. If you know a Staffordshire-terrier owner who doesn't already have a copy, making a present of this 248-page olla podrida of pitbull culture will surely ingratiate you.
Heck, you might enjoy it too. Photographer Marc Joseph traveled the states for three years, shooting hundreds of rolls of film to put together the definitive pictorial resource on the breed. Some interesting people featured in the book are John Colby, one of the living legends of the breed (the Colby strain is more than 100 years old) and Big Boi from OutKast, who co-owns Pitfall Kennels in Fairburn, GA, where they breed several championship bloodlines. But of course it's the dogs that make the book special. And while waxing rhapsodic over glossy photos of pitbull terriers sleeping, jumping, fighting and fucking may seem a bit, you know, weird, you'll just have to take it on faith: The pleasure is genuine. Given to the right person, this is one coffee-table book that'll actually be read.
JENNY'S GIFTS
cutxpaste.com
Handmade in the People's Republic of Brooklyn. Jenny lives in a tiny Brooklyn apartment and can make all sorts of things with her hands. Jenny knows a fair amount of other "crafty kids" (can you say 70?) who are also rather deft with the DIY touch. Jenny started a website called "Cut + Paste" to sell their goods and, well, Jenny's site rocks. It's filled with items like a Battlestar Gallactica tote, boys' sailor undies and donut dolls.
What else inspires her these days? That list would include: Valentine's Day, Alfred Hitchcock movies, anything in 3-D, yellow shoes, flats, polka dots and wide stripes, childish haircuts, dangly earrings, lightning bolts, the Kinks, graham crackers, Jean-Paul Belmondo and Jean Seberg, Criterion Collection DVDs, metallic eyeliners and dark nail polish. So if you're stumped and need a gift for someone who appreciates funky goods without the trendy label or sweatshop exploitation, Jenny has what you need.
Did we mention the donut dolls?
HIGH TEA
LADY MENDL'S TEA SALON
56 Irving Pl. (betw. 17th & 18th Sts.)
212-533-4466
Leaf me alone. Your guest will think you're in on New York City secrets, since no sign identifies the Inn at Irving, the home of Lady Mendl's Tea Salon-just a plaque with the street address. For some reason, the Inn finds that significant enough to announce on their home page. Whether they're trying to keep a low profile or keep out the riff-raff, this tucked-away, august Gramercy Park brownstone is worth a moment of head-scratching upon arrival.
Wednesday through Friday (3 p.m. or 5 p.m.) and Saturday and Sunday (2 p.m. or 4:30 p.m.), Lady Mendl's Tea Salon serves a five-course high tea, by reservation only. As we generally only see things like fireplaces and silver tea services on the rare visit to aunts and grandparents, Lady Mendl's is as much a taste of simpler, more civilized times as it is tea and scones. Things start off with a salad and move on to tea sandwiches. Then there are scones with jam and clotted cream, then cake, cookies and chocolate strawberries-even a glass of champagne. And yes, there's a variety of tea.
VESPA ALTERNATIVE
BAJAJ CHEETAK SCOOTER
Scooters Originali
973-743-6060
Vroom vroom. Has your significant other fantasized about owning a scooter? When some soi-disant Parisian rolls past you down Houston on a gunmetal-gray 1964 P90, scarf fluttering in the breeze, does your lover turn to you and muse, "Damn, but life'd be nicer on one of those"? Seems like everyone's drinking the Vespa cool-aid these days, and we can kinda see why. They're easy to ride, easy to park and, well, they look fucking great. Problem is, a new Vespa ET4 costs no less than $4500 out the door. What's more, the used ones are neither cheap, nor carefree to own.
Thankfully, Indian automotive contender Bajaj offers one of the best Vespa knock-offs going. Styled after a standard Vespa, the Bajaj Cheetak is powered by a four-stroke, 150cc engine. Owing to cheap labor, an efficient assembly process and the use of less-expensive body parts, the Cheetak is about one-third to one-half the price of its Italian counterpart. But understand: While the Cheetak is less expensive, it's not some fragile soda can that'll disintegrate on the first pothole. With a suspension that stays in true over the long haul and a reliable U.S. dealer and service network, you might think of Bajaj as the Toyota of Vespas. An added measure of assurance can be gained from knowing the company has been in business since 1926, cranking out scooters, tuk tuks and motorcycles. (It's only recently-with the growing popularity of scooters here-that they began importing their wares to Western markets.) So go ahead, treat someone to a Cheetak this holiday season and experience the joy.
FILM MEMBERSHIPS
FILM FORUM
209 W. Houston St. (betw. Varick St. & 6th Ave.)
212-727-8110, filmforum.org
ANTHOLOGY FILM ARCHIVES
32 2nd Ave. (2nd St.)
212-505-5181, anthologyfilmarchives.org
Admit one. At Film Forum, the quality of new independent films and repertory programming (not to mention the popcorn) is unparalleled. It's one of the only theaters in the city to consistently premiere documentaries, and not just the high-profile ones. December holds new Godard, a documentary about creepily enigmatic naive artist Henry Darger and another about sex workers in Calcutta by photojournalist Zana Briski. We are salivating in anticipation of the film noir festival, starting late November: four weeks, 34 films.
Anthology Film Archives' contribution to film culture extends beyond the boundaries of the five boroughs. Their archives house tens of thousands of films that would otherwise be extinct, as it were, including those of Joseph Cornell and Harry Smith. The Essential Cinema Repertory collection, founded in 1968, comprises 300 works that Anthology calls "monuments of cinematic art." Moreover, Anthology has compiled the world's largest reference library of paper materials relating to American and international avant-garde and independent film and video, which is open to scholars and researchers by appointment.
There are different levels of membership to both organizations; all are at least partially tax-deductible. Film Forum membership starts at $65, and while that 20 percent discount on merchandise is great, the big prize is only paying $5 to see a film. Joining at the $95 level extends that benefit to a guest. Five-dollar films are also a benefit of Anthology membership, which starts at $50 for a year. In addition, entrance to Essential Cinema selections is free; members can call ahead to reserve a seat, and also can attend special members-only screenings.
POLITICALSHOP.COM
Did you think they just threw all that stuff away? Still disappointed about the election? Indulge your fantasies by buying political memorabilia for all of your friends. At politicalshop.com, there are stuffed donkeys and Kerry Edwards t-shirts, outdated bumper stickers and Martin Luther King pins, even Nader buttons for the truly insane. All make excellent stocking stuffers or-if you're a Republican-great ways of sticking it to those weepy liberals on your list.
18 STORIES
ONE STORY
one-story.com
The short form. With George Plimpton pushing daisies, the Paris Review doesn't seem to matter much anymore. What's the alternative? Granta went to shit years ago when editor Bill Buford left for The New Yorker, and McSweeney's has always been too smirkysmart for us. As for Open City, well, we just can't take seriously a lit mag that lists Parker Posey as a contributing editor.
Luckily, there's One Story. Every three weeks, you're mailed a single, staple-bound story. The authors, mostly recent MFA grads, aren't yet at the top of their game, but the invitations to monthly readings featuring drink specials and good-looking literati more than make up for it. $21 buys 18 issues.
VINYL-GEEK THINGS
TURNTABLE LAB
120 E. 7th St. (betw. 1st Ave. & Ave. A)
212-677-0675, turntablelab.com
Wheels of steel-and felt. Last year you gave your aspiring-DJ boyfriend a gift certificate to Tower or Virgin Records. Sorry to tell you, but the guy still likes vinyl, and those stores hardly sell any of it. He went and bought a few mix CDs and a book, and feels like he wasted your money.
We understand; you have neither the time nor interest to follow him on his Saturday excursions around the East Village, digging for vinyl gems. We're reasonably sure of one thing-he most likely stops at Turntable Lab. Whether it's the new Snoop single, DFA dance rock, reggae, classic funk and disco, or the much-buzzed-about EP from SA-RA Creative Partners, you can be sure he'll find it there. And on wax. Plus, there's all kinds of production and DJ equipment for him to get on with the making of the hot beats.
We sympathize with you. Your boy has a nerdy hobby that's only cool if he's good. And he probably isn't. Send him out one Saturday morning with a gift certificate; he may not come back a better DJ, but at least he'll be happier.
THE GIFT OF GOODNESS
UNICEF GIFT SHOP
212-326-7054
Do they even know it's Christmas? With the U.S. running out of countries to invade, treaties to refuse to ratify and friends to piss off, many of us are feeling uneasy about our perception abroad. To feel better, pay a visit to the UNICEF gift shop. Hidden among the concrete LEGO blocks around the United Nations, the shop boasts an impressive collection of toys, artifacts and memorabilia to make even the toughest cynic feel good about the state of the world. Who doesn't love a furry teddy bear bearing the inscription "hope@world"? Or Eco-Brazil monkey masks? Or giant floor puzzles of our planet? Or UNICEF-stenciled silverware? Scrooge, that's who. And Don Rumsfeld. Are we the only ones to notice how you never see those two in the same room together?
FUCK YOGA
212-995-9171
And puppies, too. Looking for something that's at once ironic and a little bit bitter? Something that says, oh, we don't know-"Fuck Yoga"? Then pay a call on Barnaby, the cigar-puffing, Albert Finney-loving former Broadway stage manager turned owner of a Ludlow St. t-shirt boutique. Urging joyful participation in the shittiness of the world, Barnaby has been selling his "brand" on the internet for about a year and a half, only recently making his foray into LES schmattaland. His tops feature faux-inspirational sayings like "Prayer Ain't Cutting It," "7300 Cigarettes a Year" (a reference to his late father's demise) and the eponymous "Fuck Yoga." This holiday season, get your gal a hoodie or ribbed boy-beater emblazoned with one of these snarly little aperçus and rest easy knowing she's the bane of the ashram.
SCTV NETWORK 90-VOLS. 1 & 2
Shout! Factory
Isn't that scaaary, kids? Yes, the damn things are expensive at $90 each, but you're paying to cover music rights. See, along with some clunker musical guests, you do get some wonderful performances from the likes of Roy Orbison on "Mel's Rock Pile" and the Plasmatics on "The Fishin' Musician." And with five discs (nine 90-minute episodes) each, both sets are indispensable.
There's never been a sharper or funnier comedy troupe on television, and whatever each member has gone on to do since, it's never topped their work here. If you know SCTV, you already have your favorite bits. We vote for Gregory Peck in Taxi Driver, anything with Count Floyd or Kirk Douglas, and The Grapes of Mud, just off the tops of our heads. Oh! And The Godfather, too, and Indira, with Indira Gandhi and Slim Whitman. And G. Gordon Liddy on "Mrs. Falbo's Tiny Town," and-
This holiday season, if you happen to know someone who isn't familiar with SCTV-some of your young people, for instance-then you have a mission. More than that, you have an obligation. You must, by all means, shell out the big bucks and foist this upon them. Shove it down their throats. Show them what real sketch comedy can be.
If they don't like it, you have all the proof you need right there that they're mentally deranged, and should be locked away. And once they're locked away, you can keep the sets for yourself.
CHRISTINE CHIN SPA
79 Rivington St. (betw. Allen & Orchard Sts.)
212-353-0503
Porn-star pootie. Just because every celebrity cooch in Manhattan gets done here doesn't mean, like, your girl's has to. But then again, why take chances? Christine Chin Spa is the ne plus ultra of groinal depilation. (Full leg and bikini: $85; Brazilian bikini: $55) They also do killer facials, nails and microderm abrasions. If your sweetie happens to be discerning on these matters, she'll appreciate that you've gotten her the very best. Gift certificates are offered for all services.
AVAILABLE AT BLATT BILLIARDS
809 B'way (betw. 11th & 12th Sts.)
212-674-8855
Know the odds. Your loved one started out with a pocket pair and then made three of a kind on the flop. What are the odds against her landing a full house or quads on the river?
If she studied her Texas Hold 'Em poker flashcards, she'd know. Playing limit Hold 'Em well-by which we mean winning more than you lose-requires an understanding of odds, the chances you'll make your hand, as well as something called "pot odds," the chances you'll make your hand versus the amount you're betting, all in relation to the total amount of money in the pot. Thing is, calculating pot odds on the fly is the stuff of genius. If by megrim of her creator, your gal was born a mathematical savant, then screw this gift idea and move on to something else. But if she's merely average like the rest of us, then the $10 you plunk down for this deck of 52 memorizeable odds and pot odds lessons should prove to be a wise wager.
As for that hand, she's looking at 7:4 odds, a 36 percent chance of making her hand. We say take it to the river.
AVAILABLE AT COLLECTOR'S KINGDOM
178 Rivington St. (Attorney St.)
Argh, I always wanted one o' these! We stuck one of these Jean LaFoote gigs in our girlfriend's stocking last year. Seeing how she too was weaned on the great American crapulence, she went nuts for it. What can we say? Too much tv and sugar cereal as a kid.
Collector's Kingdom is a good resource for this kind of thing. They carry a smattering of comics, baseball cards, games and action figures. By hardcore gamers' standards the selection is a bit thin, but no matter. The place has been a last-minute standby for us for years thanks to the cut-rate prices. Currently, everything in the store is 50 percent off!
COOKING CLASSES
THE NEIGHBORHOOD KITCHEN
718-246-CHEF
They gotta learn sometime. Paris, late July 2001, we enjoyed a post-coital cigarette on a 19-year-old's couch while she drew down knives and skillets in her kitchenette. What? we thought. Fucked us rotten and now you're going to cook for us too? Cook she did, like only a pro or someone born with French genes could-and with just a few basic ingredients: herbs & oil, fresh vegetables, two lamb chops, some wine.
Since then we've been enamored of easy gourmands and effortless-in-the-kitchen types who can turn a treasure from otherwise meager resources. It's in this spirit that we'll be reserving a special someone a few slots at the Neighborhood Kitchen Cooking School this winter. The Neighborhood Kitchen offers hands-on cooking classes covering all styles of ethnic cuisine including, but not limited to, French Bistro, Tuscan, Vietnamese, Korean, Thai and Soul Food. There are classes solely devoted to sauces, wine pairing and braising and there's even a course on knife skills. The school is run by a local couple with 20 years in the restaurant/catering business.
If you know someone who desires the knowledge, skills and tools to be a well-rounded and resourceful home chef, the Neighborhood Kitchen might just be the ticket. ($150/person; $250/couple)
JACK SPADE
56 Greene St. (Spring St.)
212-625-1820
Neither paper nor plastic. First we lost our Manhattan Portage sack. Then our Freitag bag was ripped off at a restaurant. So this year when our birthday came around, our girlfriend got us a Jack Spade waxwear bag. It's the best shoulder bag we've ever owned. Big enough to hold our laptop, a few books, pens and a phone and clean enough not to call attention to itself, it's the perfect marriage of subtlety and utility.
It's tough as shit, too. And the tight-stitch striped liner, while just a tad sporty, offers the added benefit of visual contrast. Smaller items-half-smoked joints, nail clippers and such-do not disappear into the inky depths. ($225)
CHINESE FORTUNE-TELLING STICKS
AVAILABLE AT DARKELF.BIZHOSTING.COM
Wheel of fortune. Who doesn't know someone who's mindful of the future? Give them confidence and some plain fun in the form of Chinese Fortune-Telling Sticks. Kau Chime-a set of 78 numbered sticks held in a bamboo case-is the world's oldest-known method of foretelling the future and is still ubiquitous at Chinese temples from Kowloon to Mott St.
The Kau Chime (aka Chien Tung) gift set is attractive and easy to use. You hold the handsomely decorated black and red bamboo container in both hands, and shake it until one of the six-inch-long wooden sticks rises and falls out. Look at the stick's number, then cross-reference it with the ancient poems of prediction printed in a compact companion text. With rather cryptic and philosophical soothsaying messages about environmental conditions and tendencies, the rhymes are open to user interpretation about future situations and possibilities-sort of like the I Ching, but less complicated.
You can search for Chinese Fortune-Telling Sticks in traditional Chinese shops and hip gift boutiques, but we predict that the lowest price you'll find will be online at Dark Elf Collectibles, in the Chinese Collectibles section-$8.95.
B'WAY & 81ST ST.
Southwest Corner
Scarves in the sock. It's hard to pass by Khairy Guirgis' colorful street-vendor stand without pausing to try on the plethora of shawls, scarves and hats. They're all in the latest shapes and shades, but there's nothing shady about the terrific deals being offered: flat out cheap for the fashion finery. For $10 each, 100 percent merino wool or 100 percent silk neck wraps in a rainbow of colors make elegant stocking-stuffers, as do the mix or match angora or psuedo-shearling caps and hats, priced from $10 to $15. Buy fleece or leather gloves to make a full set for an extra $5 to $15.
For big splurges, fluffy fox (in 18 hues) or mink headbands cost $90 to $125, and matching earmuffs are $30. Also ask to see the delicate hand-painted pure silk shawls ($65) stowed safely out of reach of touchy-feely patrons.
HOMETOWN TOURING
CITYPASS
citypass.com
That's the ticket. Most of the excuses we dream up for staying at home can be countered with CityPass, a stocking stuff-able booklet containing actual admission tickets to New York City's most-visited cultural and tourism attractions: American Museum of Natural History, Guggenheim Museum, Museum of Modern Art, Intrepid Sea Air Space Museum, Circle Line Sightseeing Cruises and the Empire State Building Observatory. CityPass booklets cost $53 for adults and $41 for teens-or about half the total regular prices of tickets to the included attractions. Booklet holders are entitled to bypass waiting lines, and there's no expiration date on CityPass until the date of first use (each ticket is valid for nine consecutive days from the first day of booklet use).
Tickets indicate hours of operation, on-property dining choices, public transportation and special insider's tips on best times to visit attractions. Heck, treat yourself to a CityPass booklet so you, too, can tour your hometown's best for less. For travelers, CityPass is also available for Boston, Seattle, Chicago, Hollywood, San Francisco, Philadelphia, Southern California and Toronto.
THE MILLENNIUM EVO.PEN
AVAILABLE AT MOMA'S DESIGN SHOP
44 W 53rd St. (betw. 5th & 6th Aves.)
212-767-1050
Signature touch. Hello stylus chic, bye-bye writer's cramp. Hell, Millennium's Evo.pen's smooth flow might even help with writer's block. It's an ideal gift for special friends and colleagues who like to journal, doodle or do crossword puzzles. Ergonomically correct, space-age design distinguishes this fine ball-point writing instrument from all others. Shaped like an enlarged kidney bean, the Evo.pen has smoothly rounded silvery surfaces that feel remarkably like a mood-soothing touchstone. It's so comfortable to hold, it even makes signing credit-card slips or bank checks easier. Nicely packaged, too. It sells for $30, and that price includes two easy-to-insert blue or black ink cartridges. Only problem is, once you get your hands on the Evo.pen, you might not want to hand it over.
SMART STYLES
AN REN BOUTIQUE
315 E. 9th St. (betw. 1st & 2nd Aves.)
212-388-9486
Stimpy an Ren. This stretch of 9th St. is a cornucopia of small-storefront treasures and potential sources of quality, inventive gifts. There's Dinosaur Hill's floor-to-ceiling stock of magical toys. Lord of the Fleas bursts at the seams with affordable fashion finds, be they skirt, sweater, hat or scarf. Among an honorable dry cleaner, a neighborhood copy shop and cobbler dwell Jill Anderson's crisply tailored modern vintage, Selia Yang's bridal wares, the now-ubiquitous Eileen Fisher's outlet, numerous other boutiques and coffee from Mud.
An Ren has now joined the E. 9th St. community. For 10 years Ren has been designing women's clothing and distributing her work to boutiques; this is her first go at a storefront of her own. The elegant space, with its muted ochre walls and tasteful metal racks is home to Ren's coats and sweaters: the focus of her winter offerings. Fetching pieces, cut to flatter a range of shapes and sizes, bear the collars, buttons and feminine boxiness of the 1950s styles that paid graceful homage to Art Deco. Like neighbor Jill Anderson, Ren succeeds in creating clothing that bows to past fashions from a distinctly urban vantage point.
If the gift-certificate recipient is like us, a certain amount of black clothing forms the core of her closet. Though Ren accommodates that reality, deep orange, camel, navy blue and a warm lime green encourage women to slip some color into dark winter wardrobes. Sweaters and sweater-coats are cut from a toasty, durable basket-weave; the jackets are lined, and work nicely as extra-warm sweater, suit jacket or 50-degree coat. Other coats, bearing that same meld of 20s and 50s, come in a single size that somehow flatters every size of woman, and for many, leaves ample room for layering beneath.
AVAILABLE AT FRANK'S BIKE SHOP
553 Grand St. (Lewis St.)
212-533-6332
Quite possibly nature's most perfect gift. There are those who'll say bicycles, as gift items, lack romance. Perhaps. But we'd be hard-pressed to think of an object containing more positive karmic baggage. Efficient and clean-running, bikes represent the perfect blending of art and purpose. Bikes age. They have personality. They do the work for you. Ever have your bike stolen? Did it maybe feel like your soul'd been ripped out through your eye sockets?
There is simply nothing bad about bikes. They can only be good. Thus, giving someone a bike is an act of pure goodness; it's 100 percent love in the physical and on the metaphysical. Store that away when you're weighing the purchase of some new crap. So why a Dahon folder? Well, there's no better theft prevention than storing your bike inside your apartment, and the Dahon makes that task a no-brainer. When we're not using ours, we fold it in three, pop it in the closet or the trunk of our car and that's that.
We're partial to the Boardwalk model, a six-speed made of lightweight yet incredibly durable chromoly steel. As a daily rider, we've found that it holds up better than many of the hybrid mountain bikes we've owned over the years. And with a low-slung center bar that makes mounts and dismounts easier, it's simply an easier way to ride in the city. Word to the wise: If you do give a Dahon (or any bike, for that matter), be sure to buy a set of Mr. Toughies tube liners. These streets can be gnarly.BODY SHOT
COYOTE UGLY
153 1st Ave. (betw. 9th & 10th Sts.)
212-477-4431
Mmm?you can really taste the lint. Holidays got you down? No family or friends fixing you dinner or buying you gifts? Go ahead-treat yourself. After all, you sad bastard, if you're gonna drink your blues away, you might as well do it off the belly of a twentysomething co-ed. Costs $20, your choice of house liquor.
BABY-BLUE HOT SHORTS
AMERICAN APPAREL
Various locations
Yes, they're for you, and no, that's not a handgun in our front pocket. We love our girlfriend, but can't help blaming her for the demise of the thong. As an editor at a high-end fashion rag, she was among the cabal of fashion gatekeepers who recently called an end to thong straps, butt cracks, bare midriffs and the like. The move now is toward ladylike, she says.
At least we have American Apparel's all-cotton Classic Girl Hot Shorts to be thankful for this holiday season ($12). Apparently hot shorts, which are the underwear equivalent to the lowers chick volleyball players wear, are not only acceptable, they're fashionable. We must admit that we quite appreciate the way they cover and tuck, leaving precious little to the imagination while at the same time holding something in reserve. Have we been brainwashed? Perhaps. But then relationship is all about compromise. It's in that spirit that we'll be sticking a half dozen of these things down her stocking come Christmas morning.
JAPANESE CALLIGRAPHY
JAPAN SOCIETY
333 E. 47th St. (betw. 1st & 2nd Aves.)
212-832-1155
Be a Hero. Lessen stress with a gift of lessons in calligraphy. We recommend the Japan Society, where classes are taught by Masako Inkyo, an award-winning Japanese master who started her training at the age of six. Young and vibrant, Inkyo teaches technique as well as the history and spirituality of this ancient art form. Learning starts with the drawing of a straight line, which sounds simple, but in traditional calligraphy the line is more than a mark; it symbolizes and expresses ideas. Classes are limited to five to 15 students, and beginner, intermediate and advanced levels are offered. All materials are supplied.
Tuition is $240 for 10 weeks of classes, and there is a $10 paper fee. Level I classes are held on Fridays from 4 to 5:30 and run from Jan. 28 through April 1st. Level II classes are held on Mondays from 4 to 5:30 and run from Jan. 24 through April 4. And Level III classes are held on Wednesdays from 4 to 5:30 and run from Jan. 26 through March 30.
Available at Barnes & Noble
betseyjohnson.com for store locations
Over the bump. Two great gift items from two great women celebrating their survival of breast cancer and spreading the word that other women and men can, too. Early detection is the key.
No, we're not suggesting you sponsor friends to a mammogram-although that's not necessarily a bad idea. Less intrusive, however, is the gift of awareness, and that's delivered in abundance through author Geralyn Lucas' moving, entertaining and informative Why I Wore Lipstick to My Mastectomy (St. Martin's Press) and designer Betsey Johnson's nicely naughty and flamingly pink "XOX Betsey" tank top ($44) and three-quarter- sleeve t-shirt ($54), adorned with neon pink hot lips on the front at breast level and "Courage Girlfriend!" on the back. These are gifts to be given, read and worn with pride, knowing that a percentage of the proceeds goes to breast cancer research.
DIY POTTERY
WONDERVASE
800-962-4943, magellans.com
No relation to Wonderbra. If you make a paint-it-yourself pottery vase for a friend, you might choose the wrong color or shape. Give Wondervase instead!
The wonderfully inventive Wondervase is a flat-as-a-pancake heavy-duty plastic envelope that, when submerged in warm water, can be molded into any desired shape and, when submerged in cool water, retains its new form. Wondervase can be used to hold trinkets or pencils, but it's intended for posies-and it makes creative flower arranging easier than ever before. Wondervase is reusable, so can be molded into a different shape to fit each fresh bouquet.
Practical and fun, Wondervase is a must-have for the wannabe sculptor in your in-law side of the family. It's easy on the gift-giver's wallet, too-a package of three (in small, medium and large sizes) costs $15. If you want the Wondervase to make an even bigger gifting splash, shape one up and fill it with flowers before delivering the set.
PINK NECKTIE
DUNCAN QUINN
8 Spring St. (betw. Elizabeth & Mott Sts.)
212-226-7030
The noose might as well be pretty. We don't normally go in for foofaraw. There's something about proudly metrosexual types that makes us want to pull a terror spree. That said, the silk neckwear at Duncan Quinn is impossible to deny (think thick, double Windsor embossed solids). And the courtesy and knowledge of the young staffers there is more than commendable; our special thanks to the blond chinbeard who helped us with the emergency purchase of a pink necktie two weeks ago.
Vibrant silks, Italian hand-cut button-downs and custom tailored suits are this London-based designer's métier. Women looking for a gift of expressive formal wear for their special guy could do a lot worse. Buy ahead of time or pick up a gift certificate and choose something together. Ties go for around $125; shirts, $195.
AVAILABLE AT BED, BATH & BEYOND
620 6th Ave. (betw. 18th & 19th Sts.)
1932 B'way (betw. 65th & 66th Sts.)
410 E. 61st St. (1st Ave.)
800-462-3966
We do spend a lot of time on it. In the realm of bathroom décor, fancy crapper cappers are perfectly legitimate elements, and many designs are attractive or adorable. Priced from $40 to $150, they're not cheap, but the wide variety of themed design choices will let you hint at any underlying opinions and/or resentments you may hold toward the recipient. Give, for example, rubber duckies in plastic to childish tantrum-throwers. Or coins in plastic to penny-pinching free-loaders; dollars in plastic to business cheats; the rear view of a pair of blue jeans to an obnoxious fashionista; solid oak to the loggerhead who took a hatchet to your dreams. On a gentler note, you might subtly suggest that they improve their performance by seating them on meditative bamboo shoots in plastic, or soothing scenes of ocean or sky.
You'll find a discreet sampling of designer toilet seats at Bed Bath & Beyond, or you can browse and buy from a crowning collection available online at bathroomexpress.co.uk, a virtual trading company based in Great Britain, a cheeky country that seems to know quite a lot about thrones.
theWelcometoLVSign.com
What happens in Vegas?now comes home. Brightest among the lights of Las Vegas' shimmering strip is the famous "Welcome to Fabulous Las Vegas" sign. Located at the far south end of Las Vegas Boulevard, its flashing lights have become Vegas' symbolic, beckoning beacon. Used to be you had to visit Las Vegas to be flashed by that high-energy sign. But a newly released replica in miniature now allows you to bring that pleasure into your home-or someone else's. With all the original's attributes except size, this 12-and-a-half- inch-high by nine-and-a-half-inch-wide red, white, blue and gold plastic replica is pure Vegas. Its back-lit white face is surrounded by flashing yellow mini-bulbs and topped with a star that flashes in red and yellow alternately, and it has the word "welcome" illuminated in orange. An ideal gift for kitsch collectors, who can plug it in for use as a decorative accent in home or office, or as a backgrounder for anybody's weekly poker night, or as a night light for those who dream of gambling, or as a substitute for Christmas tree lights. The sign gives a whole lot of flash for $39.95.
HALF-HEIGHT CRUISER MOTORCYCLE BOOTS
BMW OF MANHATTAN
555 W. 57th St. (11th Ave.)
212-586-2BMW
Harley not included. Whether or not your man rides motorbikes, he's sure to like and look swell in the mid-height cruiser boots from BMW. Made for dual bike/leisure use, these kicks are constructed of strong 2mm-thick cowhide, with reinforced toecap and heel sections plus gear-change and ankle protection. Because a degree of firmness is necessary, the stretch section at the ankle runs only two-thirds as deep as most leisure boots of this same style. This lends a look that's street familiar yet somehow more stylish. The button strap across the top seals the deal.
We do a lot of walking in ours and are pleased to say they're easy on the feet. They've also held together well over time. As for riding boots, they're the perfect complement to steel tips.
IRISH GOODS
CELTIC CROSSROADS
The Lincoln Bldg. Lobby
60 E. 42nd St. (betw. Madison & Park Aves.)
212-490-0848
A real Irish hunt. For two years, our sole source for Irish shirts and shirt-jackets was an Irish goods catalogue by the name of Aireagal. When it came to our attention that this catalogue was no more, we turned in desperation to the Irish Trade Board, one of whose functionaries, after listening to our sad story, recommended we pay a visit to Celtic Crossroads, a small shop tucked away in the lobby of the Lincoln Building.
Patricia Foley, owner of the shop, doesn't stock the raw-silk Magee shirts we so crave, or the Jonathan Richard lambswool shirt-jackets ("will invite interest," as the catalogue used to say). But Pat has graciously offered her help in tracking down the suppliers of both. As of this writing, she's still on the case, and we still have faith she'll deliver the goods. At the moment, we're down to our last tweedy Magee, the one in the soft tan windowpane print whose beautiful drape on the shoulders and arms still brings a marveling pleasure to our eyes.
FRENCH KITCHENWARE
LA CAFETIERE
160 9th Ave. (betw. 19th & 20th Sts.)
646-486-0667
And they won't make fun of your bad accent. With its antique wooden floors and quiet ambience, La Cafetière ("the coffee pot") has the feel of a sleepy French farmhouse. This relatively small space boasts a wonderful variety of kitchen, bath and tablewares imported mainly from France-at prices that are significant without being formidable. The colorful plates, utensils, glasses, towels and cloths are of the finest quality and are handpicked by the store's attentive owners. It's a great place to find gifts for those who always seem to have nearly everything they need. One year we found a beige linen table runner that provided the right finishing touch to a sister's dining room.
The store is rarely crowded and the staff is always helpful, taking extra time to wrap your gifts with the utmost care. Friends who appreciate the art of presentation will be delighted by a simple hand towel, rolled into bright yellow paper and tied at both ends like a giant bon-bon.
TING'S GIFT SHOP
18 Doyers St. (Bowery)
212-962-1081
Little plastic pleasures. When we were in grade school, the highlight of the Sugnet School year was the carnival. Oh, the mysteries of the dry fish pond, and the even better wet fish pond, where little plastic ducks would float by and you would scoop up one in a net. Whatever number was on the bottom, that was the prize you got. They were all wonderful-Mexican jumping beans, Chinese finger cuffs, little clamshells that bloomed into flowers when you dropped them in a glass of water.
Ting's has all these trinkets and more. It's a perfect spot for old-fashioned stocking stuffers, like magic coin boxes or tiny tambourines or those boxing men that peck at each other for eternity when you squeeze the handle underneath them. They also have great little figurines, some representing animals and nursery-rhyme characters like Little Jack Horner, and also one of the Buddha. What's fun about these is that they usually come with extra items; Jack, for instance, comes with a dog and a miniature pie.
One of their best items is a miniature china tea set. While you might not be able to exactly identify the characters on them, so what? This is a very small corner shop on a small street in Chinatown; it's fun to just walk around and look at everything on offer.
CUTES FOR THE KIDS
FARFETCHED
110 4th Ave. (12th St.)
212-460-8873.
Aw, now that's adorable. Christmas is all about the little ones, and if you're in need of a snappy yet nostalgic gift for a tyke, Farfetched is a card shop that doubles as a gift shop, with items so sweet they'll make your teeth hurt. You will be forced to buy them all the same: little embroidered bibs that look like old-fashioned pillow cases with charming lambs and chicks on them; knitted hats that will make a baby look like a butter bean or a strawberry; picture frames and photo albums that beg to be stuffed with snapshots of adorable tiny tots, their eyes aglow.
YOUR OWN T-SHIRTS
STANDARD SCREEN SUPPLY
121 Varick St. (betw. Dominick & Broome Sts.)
212-627-2727
ABC NO RIO
156 Rivington St. (betw. Clinton & Suffolk Sts.)
212-254-3697, abcnorio.org
EISNER BROTHERS
75 Essex St. (betw. Delancey & Broome Sts.)
212-475-6868
All you. Two kinds of people live in New York City: trend leeches who drop $90 on a threadbare thrift-store t-shirt with I FUCKED THE STROKES written in pink iron-on letters, and those who would rather craft their own tees. It's deceptively simple.
Stroll to Standard Screen Supply and purchase a fresh silkscreen. It should cost about $18 for a t-shirt-sized 'un. Drop another $10 for water-based ink, and head to a copy shop like Kinko's. Sketch out your design (say, "The Village Voice Sucks Cock") and have the copy lackey transfer it onto an acetate, or transparency.
Eisner Brothers offers $2 wholesale t-shirts. Buy a handful and walk down the block to ABC No Rio (check the website for hours). The anarchist collective that was once heroin-needle scary houses one of the city's best print resources.
Ante up $5, and a h