Get Your Red Hots!

Written by Russ Smith on . Posted in Breaking News, Posts.

Skip the Library, Max
like Max Boot, the editorial features editor of The Wall Street Journal. He
has impeccable taste in choosing writers for his page and is an accomplished
author, with Out of Order, a scathing study of the judicial system, published
last year. But Boot, like many serious journalists–Michael Kelly and James
Pinkerton come to mind–just strikes out when it comes to satire. Boot writes
the "de gustibus" column in the Journal’s Friday weekend section,
and in the last two weeks he’s come up with duds. On Aug. 27, in a slap
at animal rights activists, Boot imagined the future, as a grandfather, and
delivered a predictably trite piece, despite the agreeable political stance.
He doles out allowance to a grandchild: "Sure, honey. Here’s $3,000–go
see a movie. Too bad ‘Porky Pig’ cartoons have been outlawed. You
know, currency just ain’t what it used to be, either. ‘Four Legs Good,
Two Legs Bad’? I can remember when the bills still said ‘In God We

But that
was Jonathan Swift compared to his effort from Aug. 20, in which Boot
rants about how boring baseball is. Boot and George Will, the self-appointed
deacon of the American pastime, actually have a lot in common. I can see them
both at Camden Yards, in corporate seats, dressed in creased chinos,
polo shirts and sensible shoes, chatting about Medicare and the First
-busting folly of campaign finance reform between innings. But
then a batter comes to the plate and Will studies his scorecard, pencil in hand,
to chart the progression of an infield out, while Boot rolls his eyes and returns
to the international section of The Economist.

Boot writes:
"Even baseball’s most ardent defenders implicitly acknowledge its
somnolence. Why else is there increasing moaning about games that run an average
of three hours? If those hours were diverting, who would object? Nobody ever
complains about having too much ice cream, but then watching a game isn’t
like eating a sundae; it’s more like swallowing tofu. Have you been to
the ballpark lately? Neither have I. But whenever I’ve gone in the past,
I’ve discovered that those in attendance were awfully busy chatting to
each other, munching hot dogs, solving Fermat’s last theorem–doing
just about anything to avoid watching the on-field action."

Max: Ease
up on the starch in your boxers. I can’t think of a better diversion than
having a team to root for all summer long; waking up and checking the box scores
before subjecting yourself to a Times editorial or Bob Herbert
op-ed column. Now that’s somnolence. As regular readers know, I root for
the Bosox, and have since I was seven years old. Right now, the team’s
in a wildcard race with the hated Blue Jays and Oakland A’s;
the Yanks have pretty much locked up the AL East Division. Boston’s
Nomar Garciaparra and Pedro Martinez might not be heroes of the
magnitude of Churchill, but their performances on the field brighten
up my day, and both of my sons’, and that’s no small pleasure.

while most sports reporters can’t write worth a lick, the top of the class
make for far superior reading to James Atlas, Bob Woodward or
Martin Amis. For example, Tom Scocca had a scorching column in
Baltimore’s City Paper a few weeks ago that trashed Mark
, the whitebread home run king who’ll never be as fascinating
a player as Babe Ruth, Bill Lee or Reggie Jackson. While
Scocca does get on his high horse about steroid abuse–I don’t particularly
care if McGwire has 18 shots of tequila before he gets up to bat, it’s
his own business–he just obliterates the notion that this better-than-average
slugger is in the same league as Cooperstown’s immortals. Scocca
told me he was shin-deep in hate mail for his "Incredible Hulk" column,
and this passage is just a sample of why that is. He’s telling the truth.
Scocca writes: "As of Aug. 15, McGwire had hit 47 home runs this year.
That puts him on the same pace as last season. By extension, it demonstrates
just what a load of crap last season’s accomplishment was. Nobody, in more
than a century of baseball, had ever hit 70 home runs. Now this guy is in a
position to do it twice in a row. That’s not evidence of how great he is;
it’s evidence of how cheap home runs are."

I also like
The Boston Globe’s Michael Holley, who doesn’t
stint in the least in giving the home team a raft of shit. In an Aug. 18 column
headlined "Yankees should be first priority," Holley says: "Since
the Oakland A’s and their fans aspire to be the American League’s
wild-card team, I have two words for them: Congratulations, guys. Some people
are unrealistic about their goals, but not you. This system was created for
those who dream as you do.

since the Red Sox and their fans have also mentioned the wild card a few times,
I have some words for them as well: Yo, what’s wrong with you?

wild card is to baseball what welfare is to the rest of the United States. If
you’re on it, you are certainly glad the option is available, but you don’t
want to be weaned on it forever."

Guess I’m
guilty of complacency, too, on the wildcard front. But it doesn’t look
like the Sox can top the Yanks this year, at least in regular season play. Anyway,
that column caused some catcalls from Oakland fans. Last Tuesday, Holley reported
that a woman named Joan e-mailed him, saying, "It’s soooo nice
that the Red Sox have soooo many World Series trophies. How many? Let me see.
Two? No. One? No. Let me guess!! None. Wow, they really have something to be
proud of." Holley, who even admits the Bosox aren’t his team, which
is pretty cool writing in a Boston newspaper, responds: "As for the Sox,
all they can do is beat up on the bad teams in front of them and hope that the
A’s handle the baseball the same way their fans handle history. It’s
been a long time, but the Sox do own some World Series titles. Five of them.
The first one was in 1903. And there were even some fans there to watch it [Holley
had made fun of the A’s low attendance]."

after the Sox swept the Angels this past weekend, Holley wrote on Aug.
30, in a positively giddy mood: "The Red Sox should be hearing voices this
morning. They spent their weekend beating up on Angels, so now they have caught
the attention of the baseball gods… All of this began yesterday when the Sox
beat the Motown Angels, 7-4 at Fenway Park. About an hour later, the A’s
lost to the White Sox and began preparing for a four-game series in Yankee Stadium.
At the same time in Minneapolis, the Royals lost to the Twins and started heading
east to Boston… I know [Sox manager] Jimy Williams likes to give credit to
every team in the majors, but the Royals are terrible… Kansas City is the
birthplace of bebop legend Charlie Parker. It is also the Midwestern land where
a baseball team frequently gets bebopped upside the head… At this point, the
gods are playing air guitars and yelling like thrash-metal vocalists."

Me & Iso On 8th Ave.
I’m way out of touch. Last Thursday, when a rainstorm clogged up New York
City, it was business as usual for me: up at 5, logging onto Drudge, waiting
for MUGGER III to awake while I drank a can of Coke, chased by a bottle of Evian.
It was pouring outside, that much I could figure out from the pounding I heard
on the skylight above. I went downstairs to the bodega for coffee and the papers
an hour later and got soaked, and realized it was a day for my duck boots rather
than the Paul Stuart slippers I’ve been wearing all summer. (By the way,
fashion intelligentsia: I’ve stumbled onto the next jazzy trend. Remember
in the late 70s and 80s when everyone wore those $5 Chinese slippers around
town? The Paul Stuart rendition is just a pricier update on the style, but far
more comfortable, and surprisingly durable.)

I never
watch the local tv news in the morning, so when I arrived at my usual taxi post,
with the sun shining, I couldn’t figure out why there were so many frantic
people competing for cabs. This is odd, I thought, in an uncharacteristically
relaxed mood: The rain has stopped, yet why did this blubbery hag run from out
of nowhere, huffing and puffing, to snag a lit taxi that was rightfully mine?
I wasn’t yet in fighting mode, just perplexed to see anxious New Yorkers
at every damn corner hysterically waving down drivers, only to move to another
spot in hopes of better luck. A full 30 minutes later, I did get a cab, and
asked the frustrated Japanese man what all the commotion was about. He told
me what everyone else already knew, that the trains weren’t running, the
FDR Dr. had turned into a lake, the George Washington Bridge was
backed up, and he wasn’t making a plugged nickel lumbering up and down
city streets at about 2 mph.

The next
day, naturally, the dailies were full of storm coverage, none of it readable,
although I managed to skim the Times’ lead editorial, "The
Day Rain Crippled New York." I got up to this point–"Instead,
clouds like those that had merely puckered overhead all summer suddenly discharged
up to four inches of rain in less than three hours"–and then stopped.
I suppose there’s an infrastructure problem with NYC’s mass transit
system, but it’s not like this breakdown is even an annual occurrence.

Still, like
I said, getting to work was a pain in the ass. It took a full hour from Tribeca
to 8th Ave. and 29th St. and I was barely prepared for the commute: I’d
already read all the dailies, my copies of The Weekly Standard
and Commentary were at work, and I whipped through the current Rolling
before we’d even arrived at the Holland Tunnel. I’d
picked up a copy of the current Voice at the deli, to skim the advertising
in preparation for a sales meeting later that day, so this gave me an opportunity
to actually read the paper. I don’t do that often: On Tuesday afternoon,
I pull up the Voice website and get my 10-minute fill. That means looking
at Cynthia Cotts, to see if she’s fallen another notch in credibility
(the answer is almost always yes), James Ridgeway for the latest in conspiracy
theories, and Nat Hentoff, if he happens to be printed that week. That’s

But this
taxi entrapment was good timing, since the Voice unveiled an updated
design two weeks ago, a move that the Post absurdly headlined in a short
article "Village Voice is cleaning up its act," and horrified The
New York
Observer’s Carl Swanson, a George Will
in short pants, because of the weekly’s addition of an anal sex column.
I happen to find the new look just swell, if only a modest noodling around with
different typefaces and column headings. Editor Don Forst was quoted
in the Post as saying he wanted "a cleaner, more unified, more modern
look," the same mumbo-jumbo that’s blurted out to a reporter when
even the point-size of the classifieds real estate ads is altered. Not much
else has changed, although Ted Rall’s mainstream, syndicated comic
strip is given more prominence, as is the tired "Tom Tomorrow" cartoon,
another sloppy second that appears in scores of alternative and daily newspapers.

I navigated
through the paper, stopping briefly at the letters section, but since they were
about subjects in previous issues of the Voice that I hadn’t read,
I moved on to Michael Musto’s stuck-in-1989 column. That was good
for half a block, the only thing notable being a picture of actor/Henry
Hyde-harasser Alec Baldwin looking thinner than he did just two
weeks ago in the Post. Lynn Yaeger’s an awful writer, and
I’d rather look at billboards on the streets than read her "Material
World." Hentoff had a decent column about Tom McGowan, the faxman
who’s being persecuted by WABC’s Sean Hannity and Steve
Malzberg, but Andrey Slivka already covered that story to my satisfaction
in NYPress. I did read every word of Peter Noel’s
fascinating "Hillary ‘Banned’ in Crown Heights," a piece
that details the First Lady’s problems with the Hasidic community,
notwithstanding her recent discovery of faux-Jewish roots. I don’t often
agree with Noel, and he’s in need of a diligent editor, but this is a man
I’d be happy to publish every week.

As luck
would have it, my ride was almost over when I’d advanced to page 55 and
Richard Goldstein’s silly "Culturati" was staring me in
the face. He was writing about Rufus Wainwright, the pop singer John
assures me is "so last year." Goldstein’s
lead paragraph is a marvelous example of why the Voice sucks so hard
and why Goldstein should be sacked immediately. Brace yourself: "The Chelsea
Hotel is the perfect setting for a Tennessee Williams play, with its almost
accidental decor of art and ruin. Sitting in the musty lobby, you can easily
imagine the Princess Kosmonopolis meeting her latest beau for hire. This museum
of the famous and the fallen is the ideal habitat for Rufus Wainwright, Tennessee’s
closest kin in the ruffneck world of rock."

Yes, I almost puked too, and that’s why I told the driver to pull over
and let me out. Homework was done: After my most lengthy Voice reading
experience in at least five years, I was reassured that the beatnik paper is
still exactly that, an increasingly quaint artifact of Americana, stuck in a
time warp of a generation ago.

As it happens,
the Voice was one of many topics Ellen Willis and I discussed
in Slate’s "Breakfast Table" exchange during the week
of Aug. 16. (By the way, Slate is getting left behind in the Internet
world. If you’re an early riser, looking to log onto daily newspapers,
Drudge is much faster: On Aug. 30, for example, I was able to read The
Washington Post at 5 a.m. On Slate, Sunday’s paper was still
online. And it appears almost no one is reading the Daily News on their
computers. On the same day, at 5:32, just four people had voted in their daily
poll, including myself.)

In an attempt
to get Ellen’s goat, since she’s an ex-Voice writer, I wrote:
"As for the Voice, don’t make the trek to Woodstock [to pick
up the paper]. The design changes are minimal… No Nat Hentoff this week. I
wonder if he’s being phased out? The Voice never takes my advice
in MUGGER, but what they need to do editorially to make it vital again is this:
Bust the union, get rid of all the dead wood that’s cramming its pages,
reduce its staff by half, find some writers who have distinct views, and give
Robert Christgau a gold watch. Perhaps you’re a loyalist, but the Voice
is far more dull than say, The Nation, even though the politics are
roughly the same."

Willis responded:
"Bust the union, indeed! I’m for unions on principle–and in practical,
self-interested terms, the union was what allowed me to make some semblance
of a decent living when I worked there, not to mention its role in representing
a militant staff culture and defending the autonomy of writers and editors,
especially in the Murdoch era–but all that aside, the union has nothing
to do with the Voice’s editorial problems. The Voice was
much better in the ’80s when the union was stronger, relatively speaking–not
that it was ever really strong, but it seems totally toothless now. On the contrary,
the Voice has been done in by ’90s corporate culture with its emphasis
on cost-cutting, its cult of efficiency, and its deep distrust of creative work
because it’s ultimately unquantifiable and resistant to control from the
top. If a publication is built around writers with strong, individual views
and identities, and people read the paper because of those writers, it gives
the writers and editors a lot of power; and I think it has suited Leonard Stern’s
business agenda (I’m not suggesting it’s a conscious conspiracy) for
the Voice to stop being a writer’s paper."

Willis then
goes on to say that the Voice is where she "really developed as
a writer and editor," and so she’s not bitter, but "frustrated"
at its current incarnation. She writes: "There was a time when something
like the Monica Lewinsky scandal would have prompted an outpouring of debate
and analysis from all angles. If something like Littleton happened, the Voice
would have sent a reporter out there for a few weeks and would have had
the best story on what was really going on there. And so on. Well, R.I.P."

while the Voice successfully raided yuppie astrologer Rob Brezsny
from NYPress, our publisher Michael O’Hara struck back and
announced last week the hire of Ann Marie Collins as our paper’s
new Classified director. She held the same position at the Voice for
the past six years.

David Broder Can Bebop Too!
friend Chris Caldwell writes in "Hill of Beans" this week (p. 9) that
most of the Beltway pundit class is vacationing with him in Delaware currently,
filing thumbsuckers studded with cliches like "silly season" and "August
story" just before reaching for another cocktail or steak from the grill.
Some columnists, like the Times’ William Safire, are smarter–they
simply don’t write anything at all until after Labor Day.

But there
was plenty of political news last week. I’d been hard on The Washington
Post’s David Broder for several years, tired of his "on
the one hand…" mushy sermons, but Bill Clinton’s behavior
in the past 18 months has seemed to give the veteran reporter a second wind.
His Aug. 29 column, on the subject of drugs and violence in America’s
cities, was first class, if only for kicking his colleagues in the balls. Broder
writes: "The pontificators in my world of journalism have been having a
field day speculating about Texas Gov. George W. Bush’s possible use of
cocaine earlier in his life. They are so fascinated by the question that they
have neglected the most basic obligation of our craft–finding the facts
and assessing the evidence. Without any substantiation, the relentless questioning
of the Republican presidential contender is nothing but harassment."

sensible position isn’t good enough for Jesse Jackson. Last Friday,
at a meeting with reporters, Jackson said Bush must answer the question
as to whether he’s ever used cocaine. "There is no place in the law
for youthful indiscretion in the consumption of cocaine," Jackson said,
ignoring the fact that not a single person has alleged Bush ever sniffed the
drug. "Here is a rich favorite son who is now caught in a poor man’s
trap," Jackson continued. Hypocrisy on the reverend’s part? I’d
say so. After all, Jackson never insisted that Clinton must answer questions
about whether he raped Juanita Broaddrick, even though she publicly accused
him of that crime. Nothing like bonding over the Super Bowl and meaningful
pray-uh to let things slide.

The Boston
ran an equally slimy editorial last Sunday on the same subject, saying,
"There is no evidence that Bush used cocaine, but if he really wants to
be a positive role model, he could find useful ways to come clean." Well,
if there’s no evidence, what is there to "come clean" about?
The editorial suggests that Bush "share insights on something the public
knows about: his past drinking." He has: the terrible hangover the day
after his 40th birthday and the subsequent religious conversion. By now, it’s
the oldest story in the world and I’ve had my fill. Bush is correct in
maintaining his silence about his "reckless" youth a generation ago.
As polls bear out, the public isn’t as interested as the New York Times-owned
Boston Globe.

Ken Bode,
the deposed moderator of PBSWashington Week in Review,
shows how out of touch he is in a Sept. 13 New Republic article about
Bush’s supposed drug use. He writes: "Also, in the young Bush’s
elite circles–Andover, Yale, Harvard–coke tended to be a social drug
available at parties, where people used it in groups. So, chances are there
actually were multiple witnesses." Bode, who turned 60 last March, doesn’t
know much about the drug culture. Bush began his undergraduate career at Yale
in ’64, when marijuana was only being used by hip cats who grooved to Joan
and Bob Dylan. Bush didn’t fall into that category: As
Democratic partisans in the press, and Marilyn Quayle, like to say, he
was a "frat boy," and those dudes were square, man; they drank
bourbon and beer. Cocaine didn’t reach the mainstream until the 70s. That’s
one of the reasons I don’t think Bush touched the stuff. He wasn’t
a pioneer.

, in a piece on his entertaining new website,,
agrees with my last point, but wants to put on the record that Bush "is
clearly hiding something." Kaus is an intelligent writer, but he’s
spent too much time with Slate’s Michael Kinsley, and now
he wants to cause some mischief. So, ignoring the journalistic ethics that Broder
advocates, he speculates: "What if it was LSD? What if it was amphetamine
or–this would be too good to be true–heroin?"

Bush had
the good fortune last week to be bumped off the front pages in favor of John
McCain’s fabulous flip-flop on abortion, when he told the San
Francisco Chronicle
that he wouldn’t support the repeal of Roe v.
. Taken out of context, an unintended comment, sputtered McCain’s
staff when the right-to-lifers huffed and puffed like the Big Bad Wolf.
No skin off my nose–I’m pro-choice–but the Christian right, seeing
their political clout wane as the presidential election nears, wants it to be
known that they’re still a force to be reckoned with. Uh, no, I don’t
think so.

on the McCain front, I’m so fed up with guilty boomer journalists trotting
out the Arizona Senator’s "story," his heroics in Vietnam
and the character that demonstrated, that even if I thought McCain was Oval
material, which I don’t, I’d look at other candidates just
in protest. McCain has just released a book, Faith of My Fathers,
which Lars-Erik Nelson, in last Sunday’s Daily News, praised
as "a harrowing account of his five years of beating, starvation and disease
in North Vietnamese cells…[the] best possible reply to his Republican rivals
for the nomination who try to win votes by wrapping themselves in Christianity.
In prison, McCain lived–and survived because of–his Christian faith."

Bully for

get a few facts straight. McCain, specifically because of his captivity and
torture during the war, is a horrible choice for president, not only for Republicans
(his tax-bloating tobacco bill is just one reason for opposition), but for all
Americans. Those five years understandably dented McCain’s mind, which
is why he’s such a hot-headed loose cannon, making inappropriate jokes
and ill-considered policy proposals. That’s why he’s considered a
"maverick" by the Beltway media elite. But do you really want a commander-in-chief
who’s still demonized by his wartime experience? Seems to me he’d
be more apt to, in the words of Randy Newman, drop the big one than other
men who weren’t on the brink of death at the hands of foreign enemies.

I guess
Thomas Oliphant, who serves as both a Boston Globe pundit and
court jester to the Clinton White House, would think I’m daft, since McCain
(who, on the off-chance he wins the GOP nomination, won’t get Oliphant’s
vote; that’s reserved for Al Gore or Bill Bradley) is The
Natural. Completely behind the curve, Oliphant wrote the following drivel on
Aug. 30: "If McCain were [campaigning] the shallow way like Bush, he would
travel the country as the Vietnam War hero and prisoner who endured unimaginable
torture, and ride the image the way Bush rides his political media status. But
he doesn’t; he almost never brings it up. [That’s why he wrote a book
about it, I guess.] It’s simply there, offering him instant respect and
a hearing. So, also, is his extensive record as a very tough conservative and
an independent cuss with a knack for making big things happen bipartisanly–the
sort of stuff presidents do."

Tommy Boy, your "independent cuss" hasn’t made a damn thing happen.
Don’t you read the papers? Rat-a-tat McCain’s tobacco bill failed.
His campaign finance reform bill failed. Didn’t your science teacher tell
you never, ever, to put anything larger than a football between your

I find Steve
Forbes’ vanity campaign more irritating daily, but even this pander
bear didn’t deserve the rude treatment doled out to him by Lawrence
on the Aug. 19 edition of Hardball. O’Donnell,
subbing for the vacationing Chris Matthews, is a proud Democrat–bad
enough–but is also a grating television host. In reference to the New
court decision about allowing gays in the Boy Scouts, O’Donnell
grilled the doomed presidential candidate.

"What about gays in the Boy Scouts?"

"[I]n terms of the Boy Scouts, I think that was a wrongly decided decision.
It is not a public accommodation. It will go to the Supreme Court, and I’m
confident they’ll overthrow that decision."

"OK. But if you were joining the Boy Scouts and you had a friend or someone
close to you joining the Boy Scouts at the same time who was suspected of being
gay and they excluded him, or if you had someone who you thought would make
a good Scoutmaster and they excluded him because they thought he was gay, would
you have had some difficulty with that?"

"One always wants to be with one’s friends and to help them out. But,
again, this is a decision, not for the courts, not for the government. This
is a decision for a volunteer organization, the Boy Scouts. If they have certain
rules and you don’t like them, you don’t have to be part of it."

"So if the Boy Scouts had said, ‘We don’t want,’ for example,
‘your father to be a Scoutmaster or to sponsor a Boy Scout troop,’
because your father, as The Economist called him, was one of America’s
richest and most flamboyant closet homosexuals, I mean, isn’t this an awkward
issue for you personally to take this position on?"

"Lawrence, if the organization decides to have certain policies and they’re
not a public accommodation, they’re free to do them. I don’t have
to agree or disagree with everything every organization does in America. This
is what freedom is about. And also, too, in terms of my father, I’ll remind
you, Lawrence, I’m running for president, not my dead father who’s
been dead for 10 years. Let’s play it straight, Lawrence."

I don’t
agree with Forbes’ stance on that particular issue, but it was refreshing
to see him stick it to O’Donnell, a man whose manners are more lacking
than even David Bonior’s.

An Unnecessary Tribute
be hard-pressed to find a bigger fan of Gram Parsons’ meager catalog of
country-rock recordings than myself, but his sainthood, anointed posthumously
by hack pop critics like The Washington Post’s Richard Harrington (who
last week called Parsons the "Vincent Van Gogh" of that genre) is
another matter altogether. Obviously, this is the John Lennon syndrome at work:
Parsons ODed in ’73, at the age of 26, after brilliant work with the Byrds,
Flying Burrito Brothers and Emmylou Harris. Roger McGuinn, always the Byrds’
frontman in all the group’s incarnations, is unfairly neglected today,
just for still being alive. But it was McGuinn who first introduced folk-rock
to the Top 10 with his electric cover of "Mr. Tambourine Man"; it
was McGuinn who prodded (or needled) David Crosby to produce the best work of
his career, with gems like "Everybody’s Been Burned," "I
See You" and "Dolphin’s Smile." And it was McGuinn who fully
embraced Parsons’ influence on the band during the Sweetheart of the Rodeo
days; sure, there were intra-band squabbles and jealousies–what can you
expect from kids in their early 20s who were producing music way over their
heads?–but the rep of the Byrds came down to McGuinn.

barely mentioned these days, while Parsons is now the subject of a sub-par tribute
album, Return of the Grievous Angel: A Tribute to Gram Parsons
(Almo). While Harrington and scores of other reviewers have gushed over this
mediocrity, the writer most on the mark is LA Weekly’s Dan
Epstein, who branded the recording as "about as interesting as a TV Guide
cover story." Epstein’s correct: For instance, the Cowboy Junkies,
who lost me after their fine rendition of "Sweet Jane," are ultra-snoozy
on "Ooh Las Vegas"; Elvis Costello, who hasn’t written
a significant song in about 15 years, is deadly dull on "Sleepless Nights";
Gillian Welch just destroys one of Parsons’ top-five efforts, "Hickory
Wind"; and Wilco simply demonstrates that in ’69 they’d
be roadies for Poco with an awful misreading of "One Hundred Years
From Now."

I was surprised
to see Beck on this well-meaning travesty, but there he is, playing the
upright rock citizen, the modern-day Tom Petty, by delivering a by-the-numbers
performance of "Sin City," the classic Burritos song from The Gilded
Palace of Sin
. Buy the original recordings instead: Sweetheart’s
my favorite, but the Parsons-Chris Hillman collaboration on the two Burrito
albums was truly influential, even if Burrito Deluxe showed Parsons’
legendary restlessness. Still, on Deluxe, there’s his version of
the Stones’ "Wild Horses," released before Sticky Fingers,
in which Parsons blows away Jagger’s later vocal.

It was stunning
news when Parsons’ death was announced. I remember hearing it from a layabout
in Baltimore by the name of Barry Hoffman, who was hanging around
the Johns Hopkins campus when I was a freshman there in ’73. My
roommate Mark Reuter and I were sitting on the quad benches, smoking
a joint, when this prematurely bald, short, guitar-toting figure came up to
us and out of nowhere said, with the gravest of intonations, "Gram Parsons
died today." To me, this was a senseless rock ’n’ roll obit with
greater implications than Brian Jones (wasting away), Jimi Hendrix
(heretical, I know, but he went downhill after "All Along the Watchtower"),
Janis Joplin (an overrated drunk) or Jim Morrison (never surpassed
the Doors’ first album). It’s true that Parsons might’ve
sunk into junkie oblivion had he not overdosed, but I’ll bet had he survived,
he’d have pulled an Eric Clapton, cleaned up and produced a lot
more memorable work.

the three of us retreated to Mark’s and my dorm room in Gilman Hall,
got another guitar, smoked one more bone and walked down to St. Paul St. and
, an awful regional fast-food joint that sold the most disgusting
subs I’ve ever eaten. Cool thing was, at Harley’s, which was in rapid
decline, the night staff didn’t really care how you behaved, mostly because
they were hippies too. So the three of us, after wolfing down coldcut sandwiches
and fries, opened the six-pack of tallboy Natty Bohs from Eddie’s
a few doors down, and began a four-hour hootenanny that featured
our favorite Byrds and Burrito songs and inevitably led to half of Bob
Dylan’s country phase. I’m not much of a singer, but on that
night, I transfixed the crowd at Harley’s with mournful renditions of "Dear
Landlord," "I Shall Be Released" and "I Threw It All Away."

years later, Barry started working for my fledgling City Paper.
He had a vivid imagination and was a good writer. His only problem was getting
the facts straight. One time, he handed in a scathing article on a crooked city
official: really incendiary material filled with conspiracy, felonies and bribery,
a piece that, if picked up by the dailies, would land this bastard in court.
We were ready to run with it, but first let our lawyer take a peek. Barry was
with me when the barrister questioned him line by line: "Barry, who was
your source for this accusation?" "Mouse." "Okay, and who
is exactly is Mr. Mouse?" said Jeffrey, growing a little frustrated. "Oh,
he’s this teenager I buy dope from in Wyman Park." That’s the
way the meeting went. After half an hour, Jeffrey asked Barry to excuse himself,
and said to me and Al From Baltimore: "Are you guys nuts? Mouse?
Songbird? Don’t mess around with libel. All of Barry’s accusations
could be true, but we’d be laughed out of court. Pay closer attention,

And so Barry’s
career with City Paper hit the skids. I haven’t the foggiest where
he is now, but I’ll bet he’s still strumming a guitar in a Baltimore
park, bending the ears of some gullible students or fellow 60s burnouts. Probably
listening to the Gram Parsons tribute CD on headphones, harmonizing with Emmylou
Harris and rhapsodizing about the good old days. Singing the words, "It
seems like this whole town’s insane," and saying to himself, "Uh-huh,
uh-huh, Gram always did have it right."

Waiting On Oct. 20
month finally came to an end for MUGGER III with a rooftop party last Wednesday
evening, and his grownup friends from 333 bringing more Pokemon gadgets, Star
Wars action figures and Beast War monsters than he could find room for in the
bedroom he shares with Junior, who also got a few trinkets. Funny, as Mrs. M
and I told the boys, in our youth, presents went to the birthday boy or girl
and the sibling got a nice pat on the head. George and Wendy Tabb gave the kids
t-shirts with their dog Scooter as the star attraction; Daddy gave his youngest
son a big fat lump of coal. That was in addition, of course, to a bunch of keychains
for his collection, a box of Hot Tamales, and all the Pokemon trading cards
Mrs. M had bought a few days before. While John Strausbaugh and Jeff Koyen competed
to see who could be the noisiest pizza eater, the boys and their friend Reuben
got into swimsuits and terrorized the adults with their water guns. Mike Gentile
and Tara Morris came up with the niftiest gift of all: a poster that read: "MUGGER
III Rocks With the Powerpuff Girls." That might not mean much to you, but
in our home, the artifact attained instant museum-status.

during the week, Junior got hooked on Beanie Babies again. Remembering
the treks we took in London to find that damn Britannia doll,
I was glad when he moved on to other fads like Nintendo 64’s
, James Bond movies, I Love Lucy reruns and Star Wars.
But no: Now he sits in Mrs. M’s study, which he considers his private screening
room, and watches this really dumb Beanie Baby video, with a nerdy little kid
talking about the value of "Clubby" in Germany and how you
should always buy three Beanie Babies–one for encasing in mint condition,
one for trading and the last for actually playing with. Believe me, I
appreciate and applaud the capitalistic lessons of the program, but it gets
old on about the 10th viewing.

On Saturday
morning, the boys and I made a stop in the Balloon Saloon, a cool novelty
store on W. Broadway, so they could purchase individual containers for especially
rare Beanies. The fellow in charge that day, Jeff Hershkowitz, was very
patient as they ran amok in the store, playing with the fake dog poop, severed
arms and goofy sunglasses, even as he was trying to ship out bundles of balloons
to that day’s round of birthday parties. We then went for an urban adventure
walk, which means they got to see their dad play Pecker, taking photos
of downtown graffiti and cigarette signs, flowers in unusual settings and a
few of the advertising snipes that still make Tribeca seem "funky"
to clueless visitors from the Upper West Side.

toy that our five-year-old received was a t-ball stand, and so on Sunday we
retreated to the roof to hit a few fungoes. Turns out that MUGGER III is a lefty,
and he clubbed those balls off the furniture, down the stairs and into the wading
pool. He got fairly upset when Junior knocked a ball over the fence; not so
much because we couldn’t find it, but because it was a "better"
hit. Competition is a sacred word in our household, but it can be tough when
the little guys don’t quite understand all its implications.

Leisure Reading
through the Times’ first section Friday, mostly to see if Richard Berke
had distorted any of Gov. Bush’s statements any further, I came across
a striking full-page subscription ad for Talk, the Hearst/Miramax/Disney monthly
that caused a stir a few weeks ago with an article about Hillary Clinton’s
theories on child abuse. The ad reads: "There’s only one way to guarantee
you’ll never miss an issue…SUBSCRIBE TODAY." I hope Times readers
who fill out the coupon or call the toll-free number have better luck than I
did. When Talk finally launched a direct-mail campaign to lure potential readers
some six weeks ago, I sent in the card immediately, ignoring all the happy-chat
enclosed in the pitch. I read the debut issue, of course, but had to buy it
on the newsstand: I still haven’t received my first issue.

Tina Brown
is still on her speaking, as opposed to listening, tour, and appeared on CNN’s
Reliable Sources with hosts Howard Kurtz and Bernard Kalb
two weekends ago. She parried well with her interviewers, disputing Kalb’s
assertion that Talk is "a little of this, a little of that,"
by saying, "I think that the whole aim of the magazine is that people can
picnic visually and intellectually." Kurtz was polite but funny as he continued
the conversation by prefacing a question about Brown’s well-known trait
of spending lavishly on talent (at least for her journalism "stars"
and "pets") by saying, "At the risk of being the skunk at your
little picnic…" Brown countered, correctly, that she left Vanity Fair
in terrific shape financially, and less convincingly that The New Yorker
"was losing less money when I left."

But this
was my favorite back-and-forth:

"In fact, you know, when you were at Vanity Fair and The New
Yorker, you kind of inherited well-oiled machines. What’s the hardest
thing about starting a new magazine from scratch?"

"I think the hardest thing really is the fact there is no well-oiled machine,
that every single thing, from, you know, how to actually buy pencils has to
be sort of thought up from scratch."

sure the accountants at Hearst/

Miramax/Disney have had a dilly of a time answering that question themselves.
How, dear me, does one "actually buy" a pencil?

at the Talk shop, the staff grows restless, I’m assured by two discreet
sources, with mini-rebellions popping up amongst the have-nots in Tina Brown’s
pecking order. One person told me: "It’s a miserable workplace, with
Tina driving her little staff as if she’s got the giant staff and infrastructure
of Conde Nast. And now they’re trying to hire higher-priced grownups."

Moving on
to other magazines, I got a real charge out of the following letter in Entertainment
’s Sept. 3 issue. Brent L. White, of Tucker, GA,
writes: "Having read your coverage of Woodstock 99, I must ask: When did
you hire my mother to write for your magazine? Kurt Loder’s troubling vibes
and ‘bad feeling’ aside, the foolish antics of a tiny percentage of
kids in attendance didn’t make Woodstock 99 another Altamont… Finally,
before you complained about public nudity and the media exploitation of it,
you ought to have thrown a wet blanket over that oiled, seminude body of Sarah
Jessica Parker on the cover."

But it appears
that EW’s editors won’t be following President Clinton’s,
or Bill Bennett’s, recommendations to tone down the sex in
their publication. In an intro to the mail section, an unnamed staffer writes:
"Our cover shot of a barely dressed, oil-slicked Sarah Jessica Parker (#497,
Aug. 6) sure sparked some lustful thoughts." Maxim strikes again.

And, as
reported in People’s Sept. 6 edition, Ike Turner sure is
full of beans, suggesting that a reunion with his ex-wife Tina would
cause a worldwide ruckus. Why, I imagine even Talk would devote five
pages of an issue to it–maybe stop the presses if the timing was tight.
In his forthcoming book Takin’ Back My Name, the wifebeater writes:
"‘Ike and Tina back together’ would make the front page of every
newspaper in the world. It would be no sweat off her back… We don’t even
have to talk. If she don’t want to see me, she don’t have to see me."

In a letter
to the editor in that same issue of People, Janelle Tate-Beyerlein
of Kansas City heaps praise on Sen. Teddy Kennedy: "For years
I’ve heard negative comments and snide remarks about Ted Kennedy. I hope
your story will allow people to see the person and not just the political figure.
You don’t have to agree with his politics to respect the role he has played
in the lives of the fatherless young Kennedys." I’m assuming sweet
Janelle must be about 22 years old. Old Teddy is a swell uncle, I’m sure,
but it ain’t just his wiggy politics that’ve caused those "snide"
remarks. There was a reason Kennedy was mute at the farcical inquisition of
Supreme Court Judge Clarence Thomas back in ’91. Does
Chappaquiddick ring a bell? Palm Beach? Teddy and Sen. Chris
on the prowl in DC restaurants, mauling waitresses?

it’s that time of the season again: my quarterly reprimand from the North
Shore Agency
, a phony-baloney collection outfit that tries to extort money
from people who’ve never subscribed to Time Out New York. As I’ve
written before, my preferred name on the TONY fake sub list is: Ross
Smyth, of NY Pyss Co. and I’m warned by collection manager E.J. Sullivan
that "The amount owed is important enough to our client that it be paid
in full." Memo to Señor Rudy: Dude, I know you’ve got
a lot on your plate right now, and I’m with you on keeping New York
safe from a fraud like Hillary Clinton, but can’t you sic just one
or two hundred members of your Goon Squad on the circulation department of Time
? Every vote counts.

Al From Baltimore Reports
29: I was grocery shopping this Sunday a.m., had the Giant Food store all to
myself, am cruising to checkout and see a magazine with the late Carolyn Bessette
Kennedy on the cover. My Sunday morning idyll is now over. She’s got an
entire magazine devoted to her life–a 76-pager. Unbelievable. I’m
reminded of the great line written by Joe Queenan reviewing David Crosby’s
600-page autobiography: If Crosby’s life merits 600 plus pages, then the
life of Keith Moon or Ringo Starr would exceed the collected works of Balzac.
The things that people will spend money on in this country. Why I ever felt
the least bit bad about selling a $3 cup of coffee is beyond me.

You asked
me what I thought was going on in the mayoral race here. It’s a close three-way,
with two black candidates and one white. The race will turn on how the white
liberal voters in the wealthiest neighborhoods vote. The Baltimore Sun
endorsed Carl Stokes, who is black, very early in the season to give
his campaign a chance. He was a distant third in fundraising and was presumed
to be trailing the other black candidate Lawrence Bell, who is president
of the City Council. Bell’s supporter’s think the Sun is racist
and trying to split the black vote. For some reason nobody likes this guy anymore.
I’ve met him and thought he was a good guy. Everybody complains he’s
too young. He’s 37 years old.

I think
the Sun endorsed Stokes to try to ensure that a black was elected mayor.
It’s an uncomfortable situation for the daily newspaper, as a powerful,
white, liberal institution, to also have a white mayor in a majority black city.
Stokes has nothing to really recommend him. He seems nice enough too, although
he’s had some "credibility" problems. Like pretending he graduated
college. And some financial difficulties. Bell has been ridiculed for spending
$4300 on fancy clothes from his campaign funds. And he’s had a car repossessed,

I think
Martin O’Malley wins because the two black candidates are both so
lackluster. Stokes leads in the polls by a bit, but Bell still has a lot of
dough to spend. O’Malley will get the working-class white votes, 10 or
15 percent of the black vote (he has some substantial allies in the community),
and will win if he can get a majority of the upper-class white neighborhood
vote. Which, of course, is where the Sun’s endorsement comes in,
because it is in these neighborhoods where the paper’s opinion matters
most. I think O’Malley wins because there’s just not that much passion
for or against any of the candidates. Stokes and Bell will split the black vote,
even in the liberal white neighborhoods. With a total of about 25 candidates
on the ballot, 35 percent of the vote could be enough to win the Democratic

You also
asked why Baltimore hasn’t followed the trend of Los Angeles
and New York thus far, and replaced an unsuccessful black mayor with
a tough, businesslike mayor. That could’ve happened four years ago, but
Kurt Schmoke played the race card blatantly, won handily and has governed
the city with even less support than his previous eight years as mayor. And
unfortunately, I think the time for Zero Tolerance policing–in spite of
its great success–has passed. And though O’Malley and Bell endorsed
the concept four years ago, I don’t think we’re going to see it here,
no matter who gets elected, despite our obvious need for it.

: As for the Sept. 6 Time piece on the mayoral race, well it’s
a tad on the negative side about Baltimore, not quite what you’d call bullish.
I only noted the one blatant mistake, David Hill Park (instead of Druid Hill
Park), and I don’t think that discredits the whole article. It is
boilerplate, but mostly true. Near-term, there just aren’t enough taxpayers
left in Baltimore City to pay the bills. We have big deficits projected in the
midst of the most powerful economic boom of our lifetime. Businesses are setting
up shop at a much faster rate in the nearby counties; it’s easier/cheaper.
The death of the smokestack economy bit in the article was also dated and trite,
and 25 years ago would have been accurate. Everybody’s had to deal with
that in one form or another. Clearly, the racial divide has been the big issue
for cities like Baltimore for the last couple of decades, and it would have
been better if Time had acknowledged that directly.

What an
article like this doesn’t reflect is the day-to-day reality of the majority
of the people who live here, including me. Which is, that despite all the statistics
cited and the fact that the political system in Baltimore City is broken, life
here can be good. I remember visiting you in New York in the early 90s, wondering
how you dealt with all the bums. You told me then you get used to them after
a while. I guess it’s the same thing here.

thing to remember is that Baltimore is one of only two cities in the country
that is completely separate from a surrounding county. The picture of Baltimore
City itself is grim, but what really matters is the entire metro area and it,
like the rest of the country, is booming.

And on a
(genuine) positive note, the emergence of a black middle class in Baltimore
is really happening. They’re part of the group that’s leaving the
city. Bad news for the city’s tax base, but good news on the metro area’s
economic/social integration front. If the racial divide in our area can be overcome,
then maybe Baltimore can tackle crime and drugs and housing, and maybe one day
people with children will stay in the city. If mayoral candidate Bell’s
black solidarity message isn’t playing well, maybe that’s a good sign.
He never sang that tune until he started to run for mayor. As I already wrote,
I think the white candidate O’Malley will get some black votes,
and if he’s elected, he’ll be able to work effectively with the black

Call me
an optimist. It’s going to be in the 70s here today. People in Baltimore
are going to hate that Time article. Jesus, it brought out the
booster in me.