The two-dick threesome is something I never thought I’d involve myself in—I like to be the only cock in the room, thank you. But when confronted with a beautiful woman and an existential enlightenment, I reconsidered my principles.
I was scrolling the Craigslist roommate ads 30 times a day, praying and aching for an affordable room bigger than a shoebox in an apartment where I wouldn’t die of bullet wounds or parasite infestation. I had visited over 10 places and none of them matched my narrow criteria. I was desperate. Time was running out. It was getting so that I would have been happy with the place as long as it had a floor.When I got a response from a girl named Britney to check out her place, I pretty much decided I was going to take it before I got there, so I practiced my “casual” facial expressions before I arrived. But when she opened the door, and I saw her giant tits bulging halfway out of her flimsy tank top, any casualness I had was now just another erection-induced casualty.
“Sorry,” she said. “I don’t like to wear a lot of clothes at home so I keep the heat up. That doesn’t bother you does it?” “Bother me?” I said, trying to simultaneously stifle a guilty laugh and a raging hard-on. “Not really.”
“I’m from Florida, so I like hot weather. That’s just me. So if you don’t like it, oh well.”
I normally found this pointless suburban individualistic rebelliousness irritating, nauseous and indicative of the downfall of American society. But those tits were heaven with nipples—and I’m not even a titty man! I felt an urge to press my face against her chest and make sweet, dirty love to this rebel without a mall.
“I’ll take it!” I said.
“But you haven’t even seen the room yet.” “I don’t care. I can see by your choice in interior décor you’re a good roommate. That’s all I care about.”
“Riiight…” she said. “I hope you don’t think you’re gonna fuck me if you move in.”
She said those words with prior experience in the matter. I imagined a mile-long line of rejected young men who moved in here with the sole purpose of getting into her pants only to be anxiously masturbating every night to the sounds of her eating chocolate almonds in bed and watching Leno in the other room.
“Not at all,” I said. “I’m just looking for a home.”
I moved in and thus began my journey through hell. Britney cranked up the heat full blast all day and all night while wearing skintight cut offs and flimsy tank tops that showed nearly every inch of her body except the holes. Her ass was the perfect combination of big and tight. Her legs went on and on and made you want to kneel down in front of them.
I made a few pathetic attempts to hit on her like asking her out for a drink or complimenting her hair, but I wasn’t man enough and her ego was tied up with ropes of false self-importance. She just walked around shaking her ass and talking about how she was just who she is and fuck you if you don’t like it. Britney had no personality and was so wrapped up in herself that it was impossible to get to know her. But that was the essence of her perfection: She was purely a sex object and nothing else. She was incapable of being anything else. For a straight man, that’s true freedom.
One night I woke up to what sounded like a contest of who could hump harder and groan louder. It was coming from Britney’s room. She never mentioned a boyfriend. I felt a bit jealous, so I went to get some ice cream from the fridge because living with a beautiful women you are not having sex with will turn any man into an estrogen-rattled, obesity-prone, non-man with flabby tits and raisin balls.
I passed by Britney’s door, it was wide open. A big, muscle-bound black guy with dreadlocks was pounding Britney from behind. They both continued their humping and screaming as they stared at me; their eyes displaying intense concentration and brilliant force. I smiled and waved.
“Hey, Ray! Could you do us a favor?” Britney said. Shit.Was she gonna ask me to join? I always said I would never have a twoman threesome. Too many cocks for me. One dick maximum, I always said. But when actually confronted with the challenge, what would I do? When under pressure, would I persevere?
“Could you get us a glass of water?” she said. “With lemon. There’s some lemon in the fridge.”
My dick dropped. But I was relieved, too; I wouldn’t have to be put in the uncomfortable situation of accidentally making eye contact with the other guy in the threesome. That’s awkward enough on the subway, but while banging the same girl in a threesome? No, thanks!
I stood at Britney’s doorway with the water and lemon, not sure if it would be inappropriate to come all the way in. “Alright!” the guy said. “Water!”
Dreadlocks took his dick out of Britney, grabbed the water, and drank it in one gulp. “Ahhhhh.”
With Dreadlocks closer to me than Britney, I figured it was appropriate to hand her the water.
“Thanks, Ray,” she said. She took a gulp. “So, what’s going on?” she asked.
“Not much. Yourself?”
“Just fucking around,” she said.
“Cool…well, I think I should be going now,” I said.
“Wait!” Dreadlocks said. “Would you mind fucking Britney for a while? I have to go to the bathroom, and I don’t want her to dry up.”
“I’m allergic to lube,” Britney explained.
“Ummm…I don’t know if I…”
“Don’t be gay. Just fuck her,” Dreadlocks said, and walked out.
I looked at Britney. She looked at me. “Is he serious?” I asked.
“Yeah,” she said. “We’ve been together a long time and like to spice things up, so if you wanna get involved, it’s cool.”
“But…but…” I stammered.
This was too weird. Sure, I watched a lot of porn and fantasized about having sex all day, but hey, I was baptized Catholic.
“Don’t worry,” Britney said. “It’s totally not gay if you fuck me while another guy is fucking me. I mean, it’s not like your dicks will touch. That’s physically impossible.”
We were both shallow and couldn’t care less about each other as human beings. When it comes to being horny, the greatest humanitarian will become the greatest perv.That’s why the human race goes on, our sheer lack of shame about who we share our genitalia with.Therefore, screw homophobia. I didn’t care if another dick was in the vicinity. I was gonna bang this extremely hot chick and that was that. And so I did.
And I didn’t even have to worry about Dreadlocks. I came in about three seconds, long before he came back from the bathroom.