By Helaina Hovitz

On Tuesday night, hundreds gathered for the 17th Annual Webby Awards at Cipriani (55 Wall Street) in a ceremony that honored excellence on the Internet.

Patton Oswalt speaks onstage at the 17th Annual Webby Awards at Cipriani Wall Street on May 21, 2013 in New York City. (Photo by Bryan Bedder/Getty Images for The Webby Awards)

One of the first to arrive on the red carpet was DJ Steve Porter — who we hope went to the bathroom first.

“If I get the chance to meet Ben Stiller or any of the ‘superstar celebs’ here tonight, I’ll pee my pants,” he said.

Porter credited the Webbys with boosting his career, which skyrocketed after he won the same award last year, the People’s Vote in Online Film & Video. This year’s video, his mash-up hit, “So Disrespectful,” features sound bites from Steven A. Smith’s ESPN talk show.

“It was a hit because it has a nice beat. A nice beat and a nice topic,” he reasoned about the LeBron James themed bit.

Later that night, ESPN won their own award, Best Documentary Series, for “30 for 30,” but Harper Reed, one of the three gentlemen who spearheaded Obama for America’s 2012 campaign, said that ESPN.com is one of the worst things about the Internet.

“ESPN sucks,” he said. Along with Michael Slaby and Teddy Goff, he accepted the Breakout of the Year award. The group was credited with revolutionizing the way future campaigns will be implemented across the globe.

Their speech: “Made possible by Mitt Romney.” (All award winners are confined to a 5-word acceptance speech.)

Patton Oswald began by observing, “Look at all these people taping this. By all means, record this shaky iPhone version, because this will never be on the Internet.”

Ben Stiller, Ken Marino and Erica Oyama speak onstage at the 17th Annual Webby Awards at Cipriani Wall Street on May 21, 2013 in New York City. (Photo by Bryan Bedder/Getty Images for The Webby Awards)

He went on to say, “This whole thing was Kickstarted, but we didn’t quite make our stretch goal, so instead of Louise C.K., you have me as your host.”

Arianna Huffington, a member of The International Academy of Digital Arts and Sciences, said that Oswald’s Twitter feed should be “printed onto a scroll, so that future generations can learn about us, because he talks about everything from Oscar Wilde to his farts.”

Chris Kluwe, Recipient of Webby Athlete of the Year, sent in an acceptance clip.

“I already lost one job this year, and I don’t want to lose another,” he explained of his need to stay put with his new team, the Oakland Raiders. Kluwe was honored for his use of the Internet as a tool to end homophobia in professional sports and campaign for other LGBT rights. His speech: “Treat others with empathy. Bye!”

Honored for similar efforts was the absent Frank Ocean, who also accepted the Person of the Year award via video. Commended for using social media as a “cultural tool” and attempting to bring an end to discrimination in hip-hop, he promised to come out next year to see someone else “fumble through their acceptance speech.”

Dinner was herbed chicken, potatoes, and asparagus, and vegetable lasagna for the vegetarians.

The ceremony continued with a tribute to Aaron Schwartz, the Demand Progress founder who committed suicide earlier this year. His father, Robert, said, “I wish he was here to see this response.”

Steve Wilhite, who patented the graphic .GIF, didn’t speak at all in his Lifetime Achievement Award acceptance speech, but pointed to the in-house screens, which read, “It’s pronounced jiff, not gif” thus ending years of speculation.

Kevin Spacey and Dana Brunetti, founders of Trigger Street Productions, picked up the Special Achievement award for their Netflix series “House of Cards” and their use of technology “for creative experimentation.”

Their five choice words were, “The Oscars should do this.”

Aria Finger, COO for DoSomething.org, accepted the award for Best Charitable Organization/Non-Profit with, “Apathy can kiss DoSomething.org’s tuchas!”

“Dirty Yiddish, I like it,” Oswald mused.

Comedian Collin Quinn presented the final award of the night to Jerry Seinfeld for Outstanding Comedic Performance in the web series “Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee.”

“Jerry doesn’t need this award. It’s an insult to him. I need it, and I’m not getting it, and that’s life,” he said.

Seinfeld’s acceptance speech wasn’t, as Quinn predicted, “I can buy this place,” but instead, “Why five words? It doesn’t…”

Neighbors and jazz lovers of all ages attended last week’s medallion ceremony at Miles Davis’s former Upper West Side residence, in which a medallion was affixed to the landmark against the backdrop of jazz pouring forth into the street. One former neighbor of Davis’s recalled visiting him in his home and seeing paintings he had produced, highlighting the dimensionality of his artistry.

The Harlem School of the Arts Advanced Jazz Combo joined renowned jazz musicians in rememberance of Davis.

“This is where [Davis] made so many ground-breaking compositions,” said Barbaralee Diamonstein-Spielvogel, a prominent voice in the arts’ preservation movement and Landmarks50 advisory committee chair, calling him one of the most influential musicians in the world.

Many of his albums, explained Diamonstein-Spielvogel, were conceived in the house’s basement studio.
“Davis’s music reflected diversity before the word ‘multicultural’ was born,” said writer Quincy Troupe, who’s written extensively on Davis, addressing the crowd.

“He was like a portal,” added Troupe, highlighting the ways Davis could seamlessly channel his musical predecessors, like Charlie Parker.

“He was never afraid of failure because failure taught him what he needed to do.”
Troupe also called Davis the quintessential New World artist and a great poet, noting how closely his sound mirrored that of a human voice and his inclination toward the metaphorical.

“There was a scary intensity to the way he played,” said Troupe. “He also never wanted to become a museum piece; he knew nothing is forever.”

Troupe quoted Ralph Gleason who once said, “The greatest single thing about Miles Davis is he does not stand still. He is forever being born.”

Other notable artists, including Davis’s own nephew Vince Wilburn, also commented on his legacy and echoed his propensity to always push forward.

Percussionist and radio host James Mtume teared up as he noted he had not been back to Davis’s former residence in over 40 years.
“Miles Davis is more than music,” said Mtume. “He’s still in there.”

Photos by Alissa Fleck
Percussionist and radio host James Mtume payed tribute to Davis’ legacy.

“I met Miles 25 times and the 26th time, he met me,” said Saxophonist Gary Bartz, emphasizing the renowned musician’s particular brand of humor. “He taught me the essence of being a true artist.

Before the men joined together in performing in commemoration of Davis, jazz musician George Coleman added: “I loved him, he was a great man. Wherever he is, I hope to meet him again.”

Landmark West contends that the proposed reconstruction by the CPC doesn’t go far enough, only restoring the space as is instead of bringing it back to its former glory. The group is calling for “a full restitution of the original site furnishings, including the custom-designed balustrades, benches, lighting, paving and pleached trees that together created a cohesive, elegant garden room in midtown Manhattan.”

The Landmarks Preservation Commission will hear public testimory on the restoration plans this week.

“We are very happy to let you know that Marina is expecting a baby in the fall,” the couple wrote. “Nessie can’t wait to welcome her new baby brother. We are filled with many emotions as we look to the future, but the most important one is hope. We are very grateful to you all for your amazing support.”

The joyful announcement received 139 supportive comments and 1,233 “likes” as of press time.