DVD: Carnal Knowledge

“All over the world, kids are getting down,” states the opening narration of The Boys and Girls Guide to Getting Down. This is accompanied by images of kids drinking, dancing and having sex in public bathrooms and office copy rooms. I’m sure this international legion of young people are indeed “getting down,” but I’m quite sure it’s not like this. But seeing as the DVD serves as part teen sex romp and part instructional video on all things nightlife, it can be used by anyone to sharpen their skills and attain the levels of live-for-the-moment hedonism that it so happily promotes.

Real life experience is comically referenced for advice on subjects like how to deal with bouncers, maintaining your relationship with your bartender and the difference between “fun” and “sketchy” drugs. The non-linear story’s intercutting of how-to demos and faux scientific hypotheses smartly covers up the lack of acting experience from the cast of unknowns who, whether they be hipster, punk, beat kid or horndog, have all been freshly styled to type. It’s as if they were pulled from the hippest, glossiest of MySpace pages.

They collectively jump through hoops for “pussy power,” a female’s Jedi-like ability that causes men to hand over their nickelbags, buy them drinks and (I’m assuming), enables them to craft those Bratz doll-shiny lips that make them resemble porn stars. According to the movie, the ultimate goal for everyone involved is to get laid: Even girls who say they are going out with their friends to “just dance” are actually expecting to “get hammered and talked into bed.” By the end of the movie, they’re all happily coupled off in carnal bliss with Mr. Right Now.

Getting Down will either inspire or fulfill your need to hit the streets and, surprisingly, the tips provided within are actually pretty practical for navigating the desperate characters and tragically hip nightspots of any Party City USA. But frankly, none of the situations presented couldn't be fixed by a regular paycheck and some adult priorities. There’s a reason this guide is for “Boys and Girls,” because “Men and Women” just don’t have the energy.