DMX Digs Weed and Fine Asses!

Weisbard complains that
the celebrity-profile game calls for "restatement of well-known details"
and then graces us with the following original discoveries: Emceeing requires
"rhythm in the voice," it’s surprising that somebody from the
projects should make loads of dough and, in pop music, "that simple shit
really wins, man." "‘Death to all pig dog GQ editors who
would keep the truth away from the people!’ rages the Sister of Sanchez,"
the Sister of Sanchez raged. "Long live supermagical Weisbard, who can
snag himself a Voice check with a few control-V’s of text clipped
from other files into a new file!" Of course, embarrassed Sanchez must
admit he’s happier reading Weisbard’s lazy Do I Have Enough Words
Yet? stuff than the rambling, unreadable Pareles-with-a-gram-of-Northern-Lights
fare of fellow Voice dork Frank Kogan, who in the same issue contributes
something long and unintelligible about the Rolling Stones and James
Brown and call-and-response this week.

"‘Tiny purple
fishes run laughing through his fingers,’ notes the Sister of Sanchez incisively,"
incisively noted the Sister of Sanchez.

Supersensitive Sanchez chafed
last week at the suggestion of his editor that he was becoming too entranced
with MTV–even going so far as to suggest that complacent Sanchez
start listening to music! Mortified Sanchez begins to hyperventilate!
Not only did the editor deliver his own volley of sneers at Eric Weisbard
last week–infringing on the beat of territorial Sanchez!–but he remained
unimpressed when valiant Sanchez retorted, "Well, if you don’t want
to hear about MTV in Sanchez’s column, why don’t you call up MTV CEO
Tom Freston and ask him to loosen his network’s stranglehold on
youth culture, that Sanchez might find his material elsewhere!"

Though Sanchez was unable
to gain his editor’s sympathy, he is somewhat validated in reporting that
the Dept. of Justice is investigating MTV for potential antitrust violations.
Sanchez read a Rolling Stone story on the subject, by Matt Hendrickson,
that alleges that the cabal of major labels is behind the investigation, pissed,
as they are, by the low fees MTV has to pay the labels for the right to air
their videos–perhaps if there were another video music outlet in North
America other than super-Canadian MuchMusic, those fees would be a tad
higher? Shrugging Sanchez doesn’t know, but he sure bets that no matter
what comes out of the investigation, MTV will not start paying songwriting royalties
to ASCAP or BMI.

How will despondent Sanchez
get through this week if he can’t transcend the editorial mandate and comment
on the premiere of the Real World/Road Rules Challenge 2000? "‘How
can Sanchez live with himself if he cannot deploy his startling observation
that Piggy Don’t Bungee?’ asks the fearful Sister of Sanchez?"
the fearful Sister of Sanchez asked. Terrified Sanchez doesn’t know, but
he sure is glad that the Australian stick-in-the-mud is around to balk at the
tasks assigned the Real World/Road Rules casts, openly stating
that she’s in it for the money. "I need a car," Piggy sniffs
as self-fortification for the bungee jump off Las Vegas’ Stratosphere
Tower. Which she chickens out of, needless to say.

The brave Road Ruleser
also gains mad Sanchez points for being the first of the season to address rumors
about bubbly Bostonite David’s–the guy who made the weepy,
inspirational "That’s realer than anything you have!" confessional-booth
tirade on the exemplary Seattle season–cock size. Hand-rubbing Sanchez
wonders happily how the season will develop, what with the supermighty combined
whining capabilities of Piggy and Hawaii season mistress-of-complaint
Amaya. Amaya won the prestigious Spin magazine readers’ poll
for "Most Annoying Real World Hawaii Cast Member," beating "all
of them" by one place.

"‘What could be
more exciting in a young person’s life than to be recognized as individually
more annoying than yourself plus six other people?’ rhetorically asks the
Sister of Sanchez," the rhetorical Sister of Sanchez asked. "And will
Sanchez get through this paragraph without observing that Road Rules
is still the thrift-est program on MTV’s schedule?" And so sighing
Sanchez relents: Road Rules is indeed still thrift.

Shockingly, the Spin
poll contains but a single citation for the Backstreet Boys, while, in
a testimony to the magazine’s relevance, Spin readers voted Nine
Inch Nails "best band" and Tori Amos "best solo artist."
Shaking Sanchez can’t bear the wait until Spin’s "Superstars
of the Early Nineties!" issue comes out. In a sidebar, Spin also
printed the top-5-of-’99 of Prince Paul, which were, in the order
Spin printed them: BSB’s Millennium, Ricky Martin’s
Ricky Martin, the Dixie Chicks’ Fly, Britney Spears’
…Baby One More Time and Brooks & Dunn’s Tight Rope.

"‘BROOKS &
DUNN?!’ proclaims the overwhelmed Sister of Sanchez," the overwhelmed
Sister of Sanchez proclaimed. "Brooks & Dunn! Brooks & Dunn! Brooks
& Dunn! Huzzah!"

The Teen People readers
poll turned out–thank the good Lord–much more positively for BSB,
whose most tremulously voiced member, A.J., snagged top in honors in
both the "best celeb facial hair" and "most creative coif"
categories. The only thing Sanchez found funnier was the Rolling Stone
poll, released earlier this month, in which BSB swept pretty much every category
bar the ones with "female" in the title. And smartypants Sanchez figures
they probably won those fair and square too, but were discreetly disqualified
by RS editors amped for Britney.

"‘Death to all
running dog editors who would hold BSB back,’ yelps the hopped-up Sister
of Sanchez!" the hopped-up Sister of Sanchez yelped. "Who dares imply
that Brian Littrell and company might be lacking in the ability to transcend
mere gender?!"