Dirty Who?

Carson was absent for TRL’s
notable upset of the past week, in which Korn’s "Falling Away
From Me" displaced BSB’s "Larger Than Life" at number
one. "‘How it chills the fearful Sister of Sanchez that the anthem,
perhaps the first time in history an act has baldly sung a syrupy love song
to its fanbase, should get booted by the scions of Hug Yourself and
Bob Like an Autistic Child Metal,’ whispers the Sister of Sanchez fearfully,"
the fearful Sister of Sanchez whispered. Bright Sanchez reminds his Sister that
the omission of other telltale tics may in fact constitute progressive
change in the ever-shifting sands of Rock–why, let us now take a moment
to thank our lucky stars that it’s not teeth-chattering, eye-rolling, diabolically
grinning, hug-yourself-and-bob-like-an-autistic-child metal! "True,"
the Sister of Sanchez capitulated, "capitulates the Sister of Sanchez,
but did the Sister of Sanchez happen to mention that BSB have a song called
‘The Perfect Fan’ addressed to Brian Littrell’s mom?"
Honest Sanchez says yes, ma’am, he did, and quickly segues into a mention
that Korn played the Apollo Theater last week as part of the new-release
press rigmarole for its latest, Issues.

Clear-eyed Sanchez just
has to insist: Robbie Williams does not have a hit. Repeat: Robbie Williams
does not have a hit. Please, forlorn Sanchez pleads to the media hoze, let the
bastard go; Lance Bass will go through a wild-eyed crazy-man period soon
enough. Can’t we just wait until one of our own goes cuckoo? Patriotic
Sanchez hereby offers to spike 98 Degrees’ backstage Gatorade
stash with hallucinogens the moment he gets the chance.

The superbuff quartet,
incidentally–the Blue Cheer to ’N Sync’s MC5–is
slated to perform as part of the 73rd Annual Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade
along with Christina Aguilera, recently pictured on the cover of Teen People
working her ass off to shed her Mousekateer past in favor of a edgier
image, and Lou Bega, the Euro-Mambo-Bandwagon-Jumper (the man’s
website address is www.loubega.de, the "de" being the suffix standing
for Deutschland), whose first and by most reckonings final hit contains
instructions for a theoretical dance craze so unfathomable it has broken the
stalwart Sister of Sanchez to uncontrollable tears. "Jump up and down and
move it all around, shake your hands to the side put your hands on the ground?!"
the hysterical Sister of Sanchez yelped. "The Sister of Sanchez yelps hysterically
that she’s too fragile to withstand an inscrutable combo of Simon Says
and Twister rendered as a novelty song!" Bega recently explained
to Teen People that the lack of Mambos number 1 through 4 is not yet
another piece of obscure mathematical evidence that Tupac faked his own
death, but that "‘Mambo Number 5’ means five continents."
As for the remaining two continents on the planet Earth, snubbed by Bega, soothsaying
Sanchez predicts that the millennial Sturm und Drang shall not begin with airplanes
falling from the sky or wayward Russian ICBMs, but rather with incensed Australians
and Antarcticans swarming his record company’s office and busting it up
Bastille-style.

In other 98 Degrees news,
the muscly bunch will fly in for the Thanksgiving shindig the day before, and
perform a primetime special on the Home Shopping Network the day after,
on which the group will perform a song or two, not to mention shill some limited-edition
tour merchandise and autographed photos of the band. "‘I want a honk,’
pants the salacious Sister of Sanchez," the Sister of Sanchez panted salaciously.