Dirty Sanchez Gives In, Mentions Jennifer Lopez’ Booty

Written by Dirty Sanchez on . Posted in Posts.


Slumbering Sanchez dreamed of himself and Princess Leia trapped in something that felt like a fleshy cocoon! Panicking Sanchez at first thought he was buried alive with a girl that not only had her breasts taped down but had witnessed both the destruction of her home planet and Paul Simon naked and wigless!


Then Sanchez noticed a pinpoint of light in the distance and crawled toward it. When finally he reached it, the walls started closing in around him! Princess Leia squealed in terror as the walls clamped her dual cinnamon rolls and crushed her! Sanchez, on the other hand, was pushed by the squeezing muscles out through the dilating pinpoint of light, and suddenly Sanchez emerged—like Porky Pig at the end of a Merrie Melodies cartoon—from the asshole of Jennifer Lopez!


At this point Sanchez was awoken by the Lumpy Lass, knocking him on the noggin with a mop handle, peeved that Sanchez rampaged through her stoner’s stash of Jell-O Snack Packs the evening previous.


“Shifty Sanchez is lying about the dream—he made it up so the illustration accompanying the column would be a grinning Sanchez wedged between the cheeks of Jennifer Lopez, the accusing Sister of Sanchez accuses accusingly,” accusingly accused the accusing Sister of Sanchez. Sanchez’s hissing Sister continued, “The Sister of Sanchez hisses that her ass is now so overly covered, so endlessly hyped as the eighth wonder of the world, that the media powers had no recourse but to take her musical career seriously!”


The observant Sanchez enthusiast will note that this is Jennifer Lopez’s debut in his column—conceding Sanchez admits she had yet to make a major appearance in Sanchez’s column due to the statistical certainty that Sanchez would write the same joke about Jennifer Lopez’s ass as some other unfortunate ass-commentator elsewhere in the media world. Not to mention that anyone who knows the Lumpy Lass would be aware of her tremendous respect for the act of sleeping—she’d wait until Sanchez was well awake before busting him in the face with a stick!


Jennifer Lopez’s single “If You Had My Love” is number one on the Billboard chart this week. The song depresses Sanchez immensely, as the lyrics are an itemized list of requirements for those who might apply for the position of Jennifer Lopez’s beau, ass-touching privileges and all. Certain Sanchez knows if he got his grimy hands on an application, the very first question—”Are you an unattractive, unbuff person lacking money, ambition and charm? Check One: __Yes __No”—would immediately eliminate him!

 

In other Jennifer Lopez news, when Jennifer Lopez was asked by the Associated Press whether she planned to continue her acting career, Jennifer Lopez replied with the startlingly bland quote, “I really have a desire to keep striving and doing more.” Encouraging Sanchez advises Jennifer Lopez that should the well of glamour run dry, she has a great career ahead of her as a ghostwriter for high school yearbooks!


Puzzled Sanchez has no idea why he can only refer to Jennifer Lopez as “Jennifer Lopez,” as opposed to “Jennifer, “Ms. Lopez” or even a fluff writer’s boilerplate multihyphenate of age, origin and dual career such as “the 28-year-old Bronx-born actress-turned-singer.” However, Sanchez does know that the Sony Music flack arranging Lopez’s autograph session at a mall in Bayamon (apparently the Paramus of Puerto Rico) is named Lourdes Laboy.


Brandy told MTV that she was cutting her U.S. tour short due to the demands of the Moesha shooting schedule. Sanchez heard, actually, that the tour was tanking—as in 400 tickets sold for shows in amphitheaters. Apparently the shed circuit is having a bad year. Sanchez hears that Jewel‘s tour is also a failing enterprise, as are a number of other tours by other acts that have sold shitloads of CDs—Sanchez hears even Lilith isn’t selling out. Languid Sanchez is too comfortable on his futon to get up and subscribe to Pollstar so that he might actually be able to speak with authority on these issues.


But Sanchez digresses. In the same interview with MTV, Brandy waxed philosophical on moviemaking: 

“It’s so expanded,” she said. “Your face is so big on that screen, they can see everything you’re thinking.” The page on MTV.com that dodgy Sanchez bit the quote from was bannered with an ad for the Army Reserve, “One weekend a month, and two weeks a year will give you an edge year-round,” the ad said, juxtaposing a picture of a guy in fatigues with a picture of the same guy in a suit and tie. How lighthearted of the Pentagon’s ad agency to keep the nasty you-might-get-called-up-sent-to-lord-knows-where-and-have-your-legs-blown-off content away from the kids. For further information on the Army, the reader is invited to “click here” on a big $ in a circle.


The Wookie tells Sanchez that all the MTV VJs are high-fiving each other over the lackluster first-week sales of Jesse Camp‘s debut on Disney‘s Hollywood Records label. Witty Sanchez quips: So much for the Rebirth of Hair Metal Scare. Caring Sanchez comforts Camp, assuring him that by the time his voice changes, grunge will be back and the public will be begging for melancholy low-tenor voices and brooding balladry!


Mickey Gilley is opening a new Gilley’s, this time in downtown Dallas rather than suburban Houston. Sanchez was unable to confirm whether or not sawdust or mechanical bulls were involved. “If it’s handled properly, the Gilley phenomenon can
live on,” Gilley said confidently, adding, “The tv stations show the movie Urban Cowboy every three to six months in Dallas.”


Sanchez, desperately web-surfing to find another hillbilly item to segue into, found out that Dolly Parton and Conway Twitty will be inducted into the Country Music Hall of Fame at the Grand Ole Opry on Sept. 22. Twitty is dead. Both had eponymous theme parks—Dollywood and Twitty City, respectively.


In another segue item—one so good Sanchez believes it was given to him by the Powers That Be for saving a kitten from a burning orphanage in a previous life—Snoop Dogg talked to MTV about “…A place where I plan to build back for my community, where my mom and pops was born at, so it’s basically my home too. It’s McComb, Mississippi…Magnolia, Mississippi, that little area right there. It’s about 60 acres. I’m going to build, like, Disneyland, and I’ll call it Doggyland.” The man who once rapped, “I got bitches in the living room getting it on, and they ain’t leavin’ ’til 6 in the morning,” continued, “It’s going to be for the kids. It’s going to be amusement parks, it’s going to be theaters, skating rinks, ’cause they don’t have no type of entertainment or nothing out there.”


Sanchez is unsurprised that Snoop should be so interested in diversifying his interests, being now under the wing of Master P, who recently unveiled his “All Star MP” basketball shoes, to be manufactured by Converse. When asked if he had run out of cross-marketing ideas, P said: “The only other…thing I would think is a…car alarm. You know, every time you turn your car alarm on, or if somebody tries to steal your car, it goes, ‘UNNNNNGH’!”


NEXT WEEK: Sanchez congratulates Phil Collins for being awarded a star of the Hollywood Walk of Fame—better than a statue, ’cause not only pigeons but bums can shit on it, too!

..