Did Jesus Travel at Warp Nine? Plus, Record Roundup

Written by George Tabb on . Posted in Miscellaneous, Posts.


"There’s
no way Jesus could possibly be in heaven," says this guy, Steve, a paparazzo
who lives in my building.

"What
are you talking about?" asks Jeff, taking a break from whistling a tune from
South Pacific.

"Yeah,"
I say, "what are you talking about?"

We
are in front of the apartment building in which I live, and with us is my dog,
P.J., as well as our mutual pal, Jose.

"He
just can’t be in heaven yet," explains Steve, "It’s not possible–if
you think about it."

"What
the fuck are you on?" asks Jose.

I
nod my head in agreement, wondering why I’m even listening to this guy. Then
I remember. Things have been really boring lately.

First
of all, no good bands are playing. Anywhere. I mean, yeah, once in a while I catch
someone good at Continental, Don Hill’s or CBGB. But for the most part, it’s
Limp Bizcut wannabes and shitty boy bands that sound like girls.

I
have had to find entertainment near me. And since my wrist has been very sore
lately from playing with my joystick, I’ve found pontificating about the
universe with the locals to be both fun and enlightening.

Anyway,
Steve goes on explaining why Jesus can’t be in heaven.

"If
you travel at the speed of light," he explains, "you still wouldn’t
be able to make it out of the galaxy in 2000 years."

"What?"
says Jeff, who for once wasn’t telling us about a great musical he’d
seen on television, or about how the guys he likes like it rough. With rope and
everything.

"What
does 2000 years have to do with anything?" I ask Steve.

"Well,"
explains Steve, "it’s 2000 years since Jesus, and there’s no way
he’s left the galaxy yet."

"Give
me whatever you’re on!" says Jose.

"I’m
not on anything," protests Steve. "It’s just that if Jesus hasn’t
left the galaxy, how has he made it all the way to heaven?"


"Maybe he took a bus,"
says Jose.

"Bus
Stop
is such a fabulous movie," says Jeff. "Marilyn never looked
so good."

"Maybe
Jesus travels faster than the speed of light," I say.

"Like
on Star Trek," says Steve. "I never thought of that. You’re
right!"

"Yeah,"
I explain, "if Jesus were to travel at warp nine, nine times the speed of
light, he’d get to heaven a hell of a lot faster!"

"True,"
Steve explains, "but even at warp nine, Janeway and the Voyager still
haven’t been able to leave the Delta Quadrant."

I
tell him that if Jesus were to somehow modify some dilithium crystals, or find
a wormhole, it would get him to the Pearly Gates much faster.

"You’re
right," says Steve.

"Thank
you," I say.

"But
I was thinking of another thing," says Steve.

"What’s
that?" says Jose, who should have kept his yap shut.

"How
the hell can Pegasus fly around in space when there’s no oxygen?"

"And
what about his wings?" asks Jeff.

I’m
about to answer them both when P.J. barks for me to take him for a walk. He, like
me, probably figures the shit that’ll come out of his ass will be more exciting
than this crap.

Talk
about exciting,
the new Puny Human CD, now out on Small Stone Records, is
actually exciting. I mean, it’s the first post-Norman Bates & the Showerheads
recordings I’ve heard by Jim Starace, the singer for both bands. Jim, along
with the Diamond brothers, Josh and Jason, and Iann Robinson, kick out a healthy
mix of heavy and metal. But not heavy metal. This stuff sounds like Prong meets
Soundgarden meets, well, fuckin’ Black Sabbath, dood! My favorite tunes here
are "Eating Cigarettes" and "Jesus Has My Leg." These guys
are from Queens, near where the Ramones grew up, so you know they’re a-okay
in my book.

Megadeth
has a new album out, speaking of the devil. Or heavy metal. Whatever. Anyway,
it’s out on Sanctuary Records, it’s called The World Needs a Hero
and it’s surprisingly good. I mean, compared to their last album, Risk,
which sounded like Fleetwood Mac. Anyway, on this disc Dave Mustaine and the boys
kick out some awesome tunes including one off their recent greatest-hits album,
Capitol Punishment. Now I don’t know how a new song could be already
released on a greatest-hits record, but it’s probably got something to do
with Jesus and warp factor nine. Anyway, the tune is called "Dread and the
Fugitive Mind," and it rocks so fucking hard I play air guitar to it. Always.
Also, the last tune, "When," is a nice Mustaine reworking of "Am
I Evil," written when he was in Metallica. Yee-haw!

Don’t
Label Us
is the name of the new Two Man Advantage CD on Go-Kart, and the title
says it all. These guys don’t like to be labeled. Not "Hockey-core."
Not "Punk Rock." Not even "Beer Drinkin’ He-Men!" Nope,
these guys don’t wanna be called anything. So of course I gotta call them
something. But the only word I can come up with is "great." No shit.
This record is it. The bomb. The thang. That little "extra" that makes
me spew my wad, with a hint of a Tony Soprano smile on my face. Don’t
Label Us
is Minor Threat meets Zeke meets Dwarves meets Two Man Advantage
(the early years). This CD is so fucking good it’s scary. Much like Zeke’s
Kicked in the Teeth, and the Dwarves’ Blood, Guts &
Pussy
. Spag sounds more like Ian McKaye than ever, and the guitars and drums
are so tight you’d swear these guys invented the genre they play–whatever
you want to call it. Five out of five beers, here. Go out, get this album, and
SUCK IT DOWN!

Speaking
of Go-Kart Records, one of their old acts, Anti-Flag, has a new one out called
Underground Network on Fat Wreck Chords. I didn’t expect much when
I popped it into my CD player, so I was pleasantly surprised. The band’s
gotten a lot better since last time I heard them, and they actually have some
decent melodies and songs that remind me of my pals, the LES Stitches. Good tunes
here include "Angry, Young And Poor," "Vieques Puerto Rico: Bikini
Revisited" and "Watch the Right." Obviously, these guys are a little
"left" and hey, it’s great to hear that in this day and age.

Metal
Gear Solid: Sons Of Liberty is the new video game demo by Konami that comes with
the game Z.O.E. (Zone of Enders). While Z.O.E. is a beautiful-looking giant robot
game for the PlayStation2, Metal Gear Solid (MGS) kicks its ass in every way possible.
Actually, MGS kicks the ass of any video game I’ve ever seen. Welcome
to the next century, folks. This game looks so fucking real you can actually feel
the warm blood spray on your face when you shoot some Russian terrorist. You can
also feel your heartbeat on the dual-shock controller, and as the action speeds
up, so does your heart. If you are lucky enough to find any photos of hot Asian
women on the disc’s one level demo, just keep pushing the "first-person
view" button, and hear that "thawka-thawka" sound of joy and liberty
that your right hand can offer at any time. Did I say this thing was amazing?
Holy Solid Snake!

Also
out for the PlayStation, or PS1 as they now call it, is Kiss Pinball, put together
by Tarantula Studios, Take2Interactive and Rockstar. It’s a video game where
you play pinball. Duh! But how could a game with Gene Simmons’ extra-long
tongue be bad? Also, it lists for $9.99. And while you’re playing it you
can put in your own favorite CD in exchange for the game disc and rock out to
anything you want.

Saliva’s
new album, Every Six Seconds (Island), sucks. In that dry-mouth sort of
way. Like when you’re having oral sex, and nothing gets wet. Plus
they look like a bunch of rejects from Oz. Nothing blows more than this
pseudo-metal crap except for an old girlfriend of mine.

I’ve
been reading a lot about a band called the Strokes lately. About how they are
the rebirth of punk and garage, and how truly wonderful they are. Even some friends
suggested I check them out. So I did. And I’m sorry, but if this is punk
then the Talking Heads are New York hardcore.

"Sex
Bomb" is my favorite Flipper song, and although it’s not on the new
Blow’n Chunks (ROIR), this thing rocks anyway. Hearing these guys
again after so many years reminds me of just how inventive they where. You know,
In Utero would have never existed without the contributions of these guys.
Also, I’d have never gotten to fuck that drunk chick with three nipples in
college. But that’s another story.

In
a Paper Suit
(In the Red) by Knoxville Girls rocks. This CD is rockabilly/country/punk.
And no, there’s no chicks playing on this thing. Just a bunch of guys who
know that Link Wray was "da bomb." Does anyone have a newer, "hipper"
term I could use? Something the kids say? Anyway, check out track nine if you
don’t believe me about the Link Wray stuff.

Buckcherry’s
new one, Time Bomb is, well, okay, I’m not gonna say it. So there.
Anyway, it’s on DreamWorks, and if you "Love the Cocaine," you’ll
love this. Of course the whole thing is just a remake of that one song, "Lit
Up," but what the hell. It’s a good song.

Finally,
I got the new self-released Nothing Is So Bad… EP by Worse. Seven
songs here from angry New Jersey dudes who play like they really don’t give
a fuck. Songs range from titles like "I Still Hate Your Guts" to "Everything
I Touch Turns to Shit" to "Nowhere Fast." Funny, angry and fast,
these guys are destined to go places. Like through the Holland Tunnel.

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